Divorcing someone with a disability
October 4, 2018 2:55 AM Subscribe
We have a child together, married less than 7 years in a "father's rights" state (FL). I am concerned that my co-parenting cannot safely manage the child solo and will be seeking custody accordingly. I am getting ready to see a lawyer about my options and need help formulating questions to best use that consultation time.
My husband already has limited visitation with children from marriage 1 due to mental health issues including attempted suicide as they were initiating the divorce process. I like her visitation requirement that the children will see the father when family are present. Perhaps I could modify to include mutual friends, who have made contact with me ahead of time for planning purposes.
He is a good dad when he has someone around to manage executive functioning. Otherwise, lunch happens at 4pm, kids get left at the big box stores for over an hour so he can go home and get his wallet, kids sit in the car for thirty minutes while he is figuring out where to take them during his planned parenting time.
So basically, as overwhelming as it will be to become a mostly solo parent, I am afraid that my spouse is just not equipped to do parenting time on his own. His ex even told me that my presence is the reason he sees those children for long weekends and overnights on holidays. In other words, there is a pattern beyond me being a micromanaging gatekeeper.
He also does not seek treatment for his disability on his own. He does not follow his treatment plan consistently. When our child is more self reliant and able to ask for what he needs, call me on the phone, or serve himself a meal, it would provide more flexibility in visitation.
I also have concerns about my spouse finding suitable housing that is safe for a toddler due to my spouse being on a registry that causes housing discrimination (rightfully so, although the circumstances of his need to register are mostly harmless consequences of said executive dysfunction). Is it possible to request visitation to be dependent on suitably safe housing? Is it reasonable to ask that my child not be permitted to visit if my spouse's residence is surrounded by criminals?
I prefer not to mandate supervised visitation through the courts. That seems unecessarily clinical. I would be willing to volunteer to be nearby during planned visits if other family is not available.
I am going to ask the lawyer about how to navigate the divorce process in light of these things.
I am also wondering how the courts tend to divide property, assets and liabilities "equitably". For example my spouse owes five figures of unpaid support to his ex. I assume that I will not be held responsible for that. Is it generally personal debt stays personal, joint stays joint?
What else do I need to ask or know? What did you find helpful in your preliminary inquiries prior to divorcing?
I don't really have the money for a lawyer but my spouse has made it clear that any divorce proceedings will be contested so I guess I will have to go into debt over it. He won't do mediation and based on my research mediation wouldn't work for us anyway.
Any suggestions for containing the cost of a contested divorce?
Also just some reassurance that I can suddenly become a single mother even though my family lives out of state? My work has childcare vouchers, but I am nervous about suddenly needing to be the only parent for sick days, and not getting any breaks.
And how about the pain of watching my child disappointed by his father repeatedly? Not calling because he forgot to, or being unable to manage visitation for financial reasons? How do I cope with the guilt of knowing my decision is going to have a permanent impact on their relationship because my spouse is just not capable of managing the logistics independently and his self esteem issues exacerbated by all of the above tend to leak out in his parenting?
My husband already has limited visitation with children from marriage 1 due to mental health issues including attempted suicide as they were initiating the divorce process. I like her visitation requirement that the children will see the father when family are present. Perhaps I could modify to include mutual friends, who have made contact with me ahead of time for planning purposes.
He is a good dad when he has someone around to manage executive functioning. Otherwise, lunch happens at 4pm, kids get left at the big box stores for over an hour so he can go home and get his wallet, kids sit in the car for thirty minutes while he is figuring out where to take them during his planned parenting time.
So basically, as overwhelming as it will be to become a mostly solo parent, I am afraid that my spouse is just not equipped to do parenting time on his own. His ex even told me that my presence is the reason he sees those children for long weekends and overnights on holidays. In other words, there is a pattern beyond me being a micromanaging gatekeeper.
He also does not seek treatment for his disability on his own. He does not follow his treatment plan consistently. When our child is more self reliant and able to ask for what he needs, call me on the phone, or serve himself a meal, it would provide more flexibility in visitation.
I also have concerns about my spouse finding suitable housing that is safe for a toddler due to my spouse being on a registry that causes housing discrimination (rightfully so, although the circumstances of his need to register are mostly harmless consequences of said executive dysfunction). Is it possible to request visitation to be dependent on suitably safe housing? Is it reasonable to ask that my child not be permitted to visit if my spouse's residence is surrounded by criminals?
I prefer not to mandate supervised visitation through the courts. That seems unecessarily clinical. I would be willing to volunteer to be nearby during planned visits if other family is not available.
I am going to ask the lawyer about how to navigate the divorce process in light of these things.
I am also wondering how the courts tend to divide property, assets and liabilities "equitably". For example my spouse owes five figures of unpaid support to his ex. I assume that I will not be held responsible for that. Is it generally personal debt stays personal, joint stays joint?
What else do I need to ask or know? What did you find helpful in your preliminary inquiries prior to divorcing?
I don't really have the money for a lawyer but my spouse has made it clear that any divorce proceedings will be contested so I guess I will have to go into debt over it. He won't do mediation and based on my research mediation wouldn't work for us anyway.
Any suggestions for containing the cost of a contested divorce?
Also just some reassurance that I can suddenly become a single mother even though my family lives out of state? My work has childcare vouchers, but I am nervous about suddenly needing to be the only parent for sick days, and not getting any breaks.
And how about the pain of watching my child disappointed by his father repeatedly? Not calling because he forgot to, or being unable to manage visitation for financial reasons? How do I cope with the guilt of knowing my decision is going to have a permanent impact on their relationship because my spouse is just not capable of managing the logistics independently and his self esteem issues exacerbated by all of the above tend to leak out in his parenting?
Your definition of a good dad is very limited if it requires an additional person to provide structure for limited visits for him to manage functioning. You should start documenting what he has and hasn't been able to do as a parent now both for the court and for yourself so you can see the massive imbalance already existing.
The guilt gets better once you realise that you are replacing the guilt of subsidising a false 'happy' parenting relationship with his children by faking a happy marriage that exhausts you or giving your kid the support and tools to build a relationship with her father as he is while giving her a solid home with one happy healthy parent.
It takes time but it really does get easier with distance to see that their shitty parenting and the impact on your kids is their thing, and not yours. Your job is support and help, and a good home, not shielding your children from the reality.
There are some really good practical divorce guides out there. I really liked Splitting, about divorcing a narcissist, but I had a pretty standard nasty domestic abuse mean divorce. If he's refusing mediation, that's not a good sign at all. Be calm and go in prepared to be firm and hard.
Different places have rules about custody and maintenance. You may have an algorithm that automatically calculates it for you, or you may get some flexibility. If you have flexibility, what helped me was looking at other people's parenting plans for ideas and expectations. Ask other divorced friends with kids and look online.
You should interview several lawyers and pick the one you're comfortable with and who takes you the most seriously.
Look carefully at your budget and think how much you can afford for a lawyer. Talk to the lawyer about where you can save costs - writing up your own statements, filing parts yourself, etc - and payments over time. A lot of divorce lawyers offer installments.
Visitation on safe housing, with safe friends or family etc - all that stuff sounds totally reasonable. You can offer visitation in an alternative place like an indoor park.
And being a single mother is about 500% better than being a mother in a horrible marriage. Sure it sucks when the kid is vomiting at 2am and you have to get up for work anyway and you are bone exhausted, but when you were married, you almost certainly were the parent who was cleaning up the vomit anyway and getting up to work with a complaint about how the kid's noise disturbed their sleep followed up by a hasty "you're such a good mother" before they dashed out the door.
It will suck baaaad. Then it will get better. So much better.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:50 AM on October 4, 2018 [6 favorites]
The guilt gets better once you realise that you are replacing the guilt of subsidising a false 'happy' parenting relationship with his children by faking a happy marriage that exhausts you or giving your kid the support and tools to build a relationship with her father as he is while giving her a solid home with one happy healthy parent.
It takes time but it really does get easier with distance to see that their shitty parenting and the impact on your kids is their thing, and not yours. Your job is support and help, and a good home, not shielding your children from the reality.
There are some really good practical divorce guides out there. I really liked Splitting, about divorcing a narcissist, but I had a pretty standard nasty domestic abuse mean divorce. If he's refusing mediation, that's not a good sign at all. Be calm and go in prepared to be firm and hard.
Different places have rules about custody and maintenance. You may have an algorithm that automatically calculates it for you, or you may get some flexibility. If you have flexibility, what helped me was looking at other people's parenting plans for ideas and expectations. Ask other divorced friends with kids and look online.
You should interview several lawyers and pick the one you're comfortable with and who takes you the most seriously.
Look carefully at your budget and think how much you can afford for a lawyer. Talk to the lawyer about where you can save costs - writing up your own statements, filing parts yourself, etc - and payments over time. A lot of divorce lawyers offer installments.
Visitation on safe housing, with safe friends or family etc - all that stuff sounds totally reasonable. You can offer visitation in an alternative place like an indoor park.
And being a single mother is about 500% better than being a mother in a horrible marriage. Sure it sucks when the kid is vomiting at 2am and you have to get up for work anyway and you are bone exhausted, but when you were married, you almost certainly were the parent who was cleaning up the vomit anyway and getting up to work with a complaint about how the kid's noise disturbed their sleep followed up by a hasty "you're such a good mother" before they dashed out the door.
It will suck baaaad. Then it will get better. So much better.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:50 AM on October 4, 2018 [6 favorites]
I can't help with the legal stuff, but I am a child of divorce and my father had a general unawareness of what it took to be a "father" rather than a big kid. Your examples about lunch at 4:00 and sitting in the car deciding what to do rang very true to me. It turned out that when divorce proceedings happened, he got very vindictive and this somehow focused his ADD into one seething agenda of hating my mother and her family and doing everything possible to get me in his possession. Once they were divorced and he did have custody of me for limited periods of time, he usually dumped me with his parents, or a babysitter, or just left me at home with whoever (or no one) while he did other things.
I wanted to tell you about my experience specifically with this question you had:
If you have difficulty coping generally with the transition, I encourage you to try out some therapy. My mom never did and she is in her 60's now and has low-level clinical depression that ratcheted up after I left home for college, and then again at retirement when she lost her main coping mechanisms (raising me, and then work). She is weirdly resistant to therapy but gosh I think it would have done her a world of good. I never got therapy as a kid, and in hindsight, I could have really benefited from it, so that's an avenue to explore too. I am in therapy now and it helps. Wish I'd been in it sooner.
posted by juniperesque at 7:18 AM on October 4, 2018 [25 favorites]
I wanted to tell you about my experience specifically with this question you had:
"And how about the pain of watching my child disappointed by his father repeatedly? Not calling because he forgot to, or being unable to manage visitation for financial reasons? How do I cope with the guilt of knowing my decision is going to have a permanent impact on their relationship because my spouse is just not capable of managing the logistics independently and his self esteem issues exacerbated by all of the above tend to leak out in his parenting?"This was painful for me as a child, and I didn't understand it, but my mother chose to plan our lives accordingly. Call time? We called him, or we set a rule that we waited for the appointed call for X minutes and then we had a backup plan like writing him a letter instead. Pickups? Just because he was late didn't mean I got to be dropped off late; mom picked me up from visitation at the appointed time, even if it meant leaving just ten minutes after my father and I had departed. I came to understand later that he was just not equipped to be a parent, and while I have some anger towards my situation as an adult now, I realize that my mom did the best she could - which was really darn good! - and it really made an impact on me that she never badmouthed him, but he badmouthed her and her family around me all the time. Don't feel guilty about making the best decision available to you and your family. Save guilt for when you do things you know are wrong (if ever).
If you have difficulty coping generally with the transition, I encourage you to try out some therapy. My mom never did and she is in her 60's now and has low-level clinical depression that ratcheted up after I left home for college, and then again at retirement when she lost her main coping mechanisms (raising me, and then work). She is weirdly resistant to therapy but gosh I think it would have done her a world of good. I never got therapy as a kid, and in hindsight, I could have really benefited from it, so that's an avenue to explore too. I am in therapy now and it helps. Wish I'd been in it sooner.
posted by juniperesque at 7:18 AM on October 4, 2018 [25 favorites]
My heart goes out to you and I respect how carefully you're trying to balance your soon-to-be-ex's needs with those of you and your child. A few thoughts for you...
The other ex-wife sounds like a potential ally who holds similar views about the importance of family and father|child relationships and working within the context of your husband's disabilities while keeping everyone safe, especially given that he owes her so much delinquent child support. If your presence was necessary to her peace of mind, then she's going to be renegotiating her parenting agreement (and/or its enforcement) too. If you've grown attached to her kids at all, then maybe there are possibilities for mutual assistance. Can you work together, share some lawyer costs, figure out a set of boundaries/supervisory requirements together, present a unified front, and watch out for each other's kids?
If your current marital home is acceptable vis-a-vis the registry requirements and its safety as a place for your toddler/ex wife's kids to spend time, should he stay there (or, say, in a smaller apartment in the same complex) if financially possible, at least for the short run? It may create more financial strain and it sucks to be the one to move out but it will give you more control, especially if it will take awhile for him to find suitable accommodations.
Speaking of the registry requirements, though you have a charitable view of whatever caused him to be included on this list, the courts and other social agencies will be sticking to the letter of the law. Do not join your husband in any quest for lenience on those requirements because doing so might undermine your position if/when should you need to seek further adjustments or limitations to your negotiated parenting agreeement. You do not want to appear unconcerned about your child spending time with someone convicted for whatever.
Does your husband have a parole officer or someone else charged with monitoring his compliance? If so, s/he is going to wind up being involved.
The road ahead sounds long and difficult. All the best to you as you navigate it.
posted by carmicha at 7:24 AM on October 4, 2018 [6 favorites]
The road ahead sounds long and difficult. All the best to you as you navigate it.
posted by carmicha at 7:24 AM on October 4, 2018 [6 favorites]
I’m not sure how germane this is in terms of answering your question, but I remember your previous questions and I’m so glad you’re finally getting out of this relationship. You are a strong, capable person, and this mefite has faith you can do it— and it will be SO much better than trying to parent with someone who makes obsessive diaries trying to “prove” you have a personality disorder. Good luck; a lot of people on the green are rooting for you.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 7:37 AM on October 4, 2018 [21 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 7:37 AM on October 4, 2018 [21 favorites]
Best answer: What is in the best interest of the children. That is your ONLY concern.
He is not a good father. Oftentimes mothers say their co-parent is a “good father” out of guilt. He is actively dangerous to your children’s safety and unable to prioritize their needs. He may feel love towards his children, but love is a verb, and he cannot act in a loving way towards them so they feel safe and loved. Saying he a good father, even to yourself, is not a wise thing to do. With his personality he will take the one time you called him a good father and try to justify all sorts of unsafe arrangements. Being safe is in the best interest of the children.
You children need a stable home, which they cannot have with their father. You, however can provide the stable home that will be a refuge from the chaos their father brings. My father always said it was better to be from a broken home than from one that was breaking in a new way every day. Stable housing is in the best interest of the children.
Can you move closer to your support system? His behaviour, as you have discussed in the past, is abusive. Reach out to the domestic shelters for legal and practical advice about moving (hopefully to a juridiwction that takes domestic violence more seriously than they do “fathers rights”). A stable parent with a support network is in the best interest of the children.
Do you know “grey rock”? Be a grey rock, no emotions, just facts, with minimal contact (if someone else can be the go-between for visits/communication even better, usually narcissists are on better behaviour when they no longer have intimate access to their victims). If you need to go into debt that is fine, you will be further ahead financially than if you had remained with him as he was going to ruin you financially. You will now have a solid foundation to re-build your life with the children’s needs (and not his) at the fore front.
Stop trying to manage his parenting. You should not care where he lives (except that if it is not safe he does not have access). If he wants access he will have to arrange and pay for a suitable supervisor. Do NOT try to do deals with him outside the court system - he is clearly able to manipulate you, he will have a harder time manipulating professionals. Do not try to make things “easier” for him by bending rules because you are prioritiesing his wants over your children’s needs. Black and white rules are in the children’s best interests.
posted by saucysault at 8:02 AM on October 4, 2018 [18 favorites]
He is not a good father. Oftentimes mothers say their co-parent is a “good father” out of guilt. He is actively dangerous to your children’s safety and unable to prioritize their needs. He may feel love towards his children, but love is a verb, and he cannot act in a loving way towards them so they feel safe and loved. Saying he a good father, even to yourself, is not a wise thing to do. With his personality he will take the one time you called him a good father and try to justify all sorts of unsafe arrangements. Being safe is in the best interest of the children.
You children need a stable home, which they cannot have with their father. You, however can provide the stable home that will be a refuge from the chaos their father brings. My father always said it was better to be from a broken home than from one that was breaking in a new way every day. Stable housing is in the best interest of the children.
Can you move closer to your support system? His behaviour, as you have discussed in the past, is abusive. Reach out to the domestic shelters for legal and practical advice about moving (hopefully to a juridiwction that takes domestic violence more seriously than they do “fathers rights”). A stable parent with a support network is in the best interest of the children.
Do you know “grey rock”? Be a grey rock, no emotions, just facts, with minimal contact (if someone else can be the go-between for visits/communication even better, usually narcissists are on better behaviour when they no longer have intimate access to their victims). If you need to go into debt that is fine, you will be further ahead financially than if you had remained with him as he was going to ruin you financially. You will now have a solid foundation to re-build your life with the children’s needs (and not his) at the fore front.
Stop trying to manage his parenting. You should not care where he lives (except that if it is not safe he does not have access). If he wants access he will have to arrange and pay for a suitable supervisor. Do NOT try to do deals with him outside the court system - he is clearly able to manipulate you, he will have a harder time manipulating professionals. Do not try to make things “easier” for him by bending rules because you are prioritiesing his wants over your children’s needs. Black and white rules are in the children’s best interests.
posted by saucysault at 8:02 AM on October 4, 2018 [18 favorites]
Just - from experience, don't set yourself up too much as his support person in parenting post-divorce. Make your visitation and custody plans crystal clear and do not volunteer to be nearby etc, so that he can have visitation. Follow his current parenting plan with his previous child/ren and insist on supervised visitation (insist on it. If he can't make it happen, he can't be with the kid. He will either figure it out or your kid will be safe with you). I know that sounds harsh to you right now, but you've been in a pattern of trying to "make things work" and accommodating him and there isn't anything wrong with that but that needs to end with the marriage. You need to picture your life two to three years from now when you want to make plans on the weekend and can't because you've promised to be nearby during your ex's visits so your kids are still taken care of. Don't do his job for him - do your best to make sure you have all the support YOU need to do YOUR job going forward.
posted by annathea at 8:03 AM on October 4, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by annathea at 8:03 AM on October 4, 2018 [13 favorites]
Get a lawyer. Tell your lawyer everything you've told us, in all the gory detail. Then do whatever your lawyer tells you to do.
Include with the lawyer whether the registry you're talking about is for sex offenders, because the judge will care about that quite a bit. If he's going to contest you, it is absolutely worth going into debt to make sure that your kid is safe and appropriately cared for.
Also,
I prefer not to mandate supervised visitation through the courts. That seems unecessarily clinical. I would be willing to volunteer to be nearby during planned visits if other family is not available.
Don't fool yourself about this. He will use this to make your life very difficult. Go for mandated supervised visitation. It's not about whether it's clinical, it's about keeping your toddler safe and cutting down on his opportunities to be abusive to you both directly and via your child.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:47 AM on October 4, 2018 [32 favorites]
Include with the lawyer whether the registry you're talking about is for sex offenders, because the judge will care about that quite a bit. If he's going to contest you, it is absolutely worth going into debt to make sure that your kid is safe and appropriately cared for.
Also,
I prefer not to mandate supervised visitation through the courts. That seems unecessarily clinical. I would be willing to volunteer to be nearby during planned visits if other family is not available.
Don't fool yourself about this. He will use this to make your life very difficult. Go for mandated supervised visitation. It's not about whether it's clinical, it's about keeping your toddler safe and cutting down on his opportunities to be abusive to you both directly and via your child.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:47 AM on October 4, 2018 [32 favorites]
So based on moonlight on vermont's comment I went back and looked at your AskMe question history. Holy cow! This guy's past history of gaslighting you and attempting to manipulate situations to his advantage is really worrisome! The fact that he once built a diary to make a case about you allegedly having bpd is absolutely chilling. Do not underestimate his capacity to manufacture similar narratives, with "documentation," to undermine your case for custody and/or supervision of his parenting time. I do not doubt that he will use your child as a pawn in his larger game of hurting you.
I fear, once you're clear of the situation, that you're going to discover that there is much more to his deception than you knew contemporaneously. Protect yourself, both by building your own documentation trail and by having the support systems in place (including therapy) so you can process the fallout to your sense of self in an appropriate setting.
posted by carmicha at 9:31 AM on October 4, 2018 [10 favorites]
I fear, once you're clear of the situation, that you're going to discover that there is much more to his deception than you knew contemporaneously. Protect yourself, both by building your own documentation trail and by having the support systems in place (including therapy) so you can process the fallout to your sense of self in an appropriate setting.
posted by carmicha at 9:31 AM on October 4, 2018 [10 favorites]
I prefer not to mandate supervised visitation through the courts. That seems unecessarily clinical. I would be willing to volunteer to be nearby during planned visits if other family is not available.
I see people say things like this, because they are still in the mode of placating and mitigating but it is in the best interest of your child and yourself that you have a formal custody agreement, filed with the court.
If he needs supervised visits, that should absolutely be ordered by the judge, and you should not be the person who is nearby to supervise.
I wouldn't recommend an informal custody arrangement for a couple divorcing under the very best terms, and certainly not in your case where your soon-to-be ex-husband already has a history of blaming you for all the dysfunction in the relationship and has already let you know he will not even participate in mediation.
posted by Squeak Attack at 9:39 AM on October 4, 2018 [8 favorites]
I see people say things like this, because they are still in the mode of placating and mitigating but it is in the best interest of your child and yourself that you have a formal custody agreement, filed with the court.
If he needs supervised visits, that should absolutely be ordered by the judge, and you should not be the person who is nearby to supervise.
I wouldn't recommend an informal custody arrangement for a couple divorcing under the very best terms, and certainly not in your case where your soon-to-be ex-husband already has a history of blaming you for all the dysfunction in the relationship and has already let you know he will not even participate in mediation.
posted by Squeak Attack at 9:39 AM on October 4, 2018 [8 favorites]
How do I cope with the guilt of knowing my decision is going to have a permanent impact on their relationship because my spouse is just not capable of managing the logistics independently and his self esteem issues exacerbated by all of the above tend to leak out in his parenting?
You cannot build a relationship with your kid for him - if (when) he screws it up, its all on him, not you, and definitely not your kid.
posted by florencetnoa at 9:40 AM on October 4, 2018 [3 favorites]
You cannot build a relationship with your kid for him - if (when) he screws it up, its all on him, not you, and definitely not your kid.
posted by florencetnoa at 9:40 AM on October 4, 2018 [3 favorites]
He leaves your kids alone in big box stores for an hour while he goes home to get his wallet?!?! If the kids are under the age of, say, 14, then he is not a good father. Please reconsider this definition and start to wean yourself of the habit of making excuses for him.
Ok, sure he has a disability or mental health issues or ADD or whatever. As long as those issues influence his behaviour and cause him to abandon his kids in stores, he is not a good father, period. That is dangerous.
When Black women do similar things just once, because they have job interviews, they get arrested or 18 years' probation. Routinely pulling this kind of crap because of bad planning? Not a good dad, sorry.
Also your "on a registry" comment raises huge red flags for me. Is he a sex offender? Please be harsh when making choices about your kids' safety, even if it hurts to think harshly of someone you love(d).
You sound like a very caring person. Please- harshly restrict this dangerous person's unsupervised access to your kids until he gets his shit together, and realize that that might be never.
You'll be a great single mom. You're enough. Wishing you all the best.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:20 AM on October 4, 2018 [9 favorites]
Ok, sure he has a disability or mental health issues or ADD or whatever. As long as those issues influence his behaviour and cause him to abandon his kids in stores, he is not a good father, period. That is dangerous.
When Black women do similar things just once, because they have job interviews, they get arrested or 18 years' probation. Routinely pulling this kind of crap because of bad planning? Not a good dad, sorry.
Also your "on a registry" comment raises huge red flags for me. Is he a sex offender? Please be harsh when making choices about your kids' safety, even if it hurts to think harshly of someone you love(d).
You sound like a very caring person. Please- harshly restrict this dangerous person's unsupervised access to your kids until he gets his shit together, and realize that that might be never.
You'll be a great single mom. You're enough. Wishing you all the best.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:20 AM on October 4, 2018 [9 favorites]
Your responsibility is to your child and to yourself. It will be counterproductive to make things complicated with you also acting as an advocate for your soon-to-be ex. I'd go for full custody with traditional-style supervised visits. If your ex manages to address his mental illness and get into stable, child-appropriate housing, you can always adjust the visitation and custody arrangements then. Do not spend time trying to optimize them for him now with all sorts of extra accommodation for him.
Trying to create special arrangements custom-fit to his deficiencies will end up costing you lots of money. Cut and dry and by the book will likely keep costs lower, especially if you prepare well with your own records (financial and otherwise), documentation (especially of the abuse), and piggy-backing on the established custody arrangements for his other child. If he improves significantly, you can always change things, but he should get no benefit of the doubt or special accommodation. Getting distracted by trying to make things optimal for him may help you with your guilt, but it will not be in the best interest of your child who has already been harmed by your ex. One of your past questions mentioned that you often don't feel safe because of your husband. Your child feels that, except greatly magnified because they don't have the agency or experience of an adult. Your spouse is responsible for his relationships with his children and, right now, it appears that he's chosen very different priorities. He shouldn't have extended access to children until that reverses.
If he responds poorly to the divorce and does anything to make you feel as though you're in danger, PLEASE CALL THE POLICE. Having a record of the call can be incredibly helpful in cases of abuse, especially in cases of escalation due to divorce.
posted by quince at 2:36 PM on October 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
Trying to create special arrangements custom-fit to his deficiencies will end up costing you lots of money. Cut and dry and by the book will likely keep costs lower, especially if you prepare well with your own records (financial and otherwise), documentation (especially of the abuse), and piggy-backing on the established custody arrangements for his other child. If he improves significantly, you can always change things, but he should get no benefit of the doubt or special accommodation. Getting distracted by trying to make things optimal for him may help you with your guilt, but it will not be in the best interest of your child who has already been harmed by your ex. One of your past questions mentioned that you often don't feel safe because of your husband. Your child feels that, except greatly magnified because they don't have the agency or experience of an adult. Your spouse is responsible for his relationships with his children and, right now, it appears that he's chosen very different priorities. He shouldn't have extended access to children until that reverses.
If he responds poorly to the divorce and does anything to make you feel as though you're in danger, PLEASE CALL THE POLICE. Having a record of the call can be incredibly helpful in cases of abuse, especially in cases of escalation due to divorce.
posted by quince at 2:36 PM on October 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
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posted by metasarah at 3:40 AM on October 4, 2018 [4 favorites]