Motivated by Divorce, Asperger’s or Something Else?
July 27, 2018 11:06 PM Subscribe
We have a romantic history that has played out in nonstop conversation over several decades. Then this past year, we got serious. Most of our relationship takes place over daily email and phone calls since he lives in another country, and I live in the U.S. But we recently met up, and had a fabulous time. The trouble is only a few weeks after I got home, my partner suddenly wrote and said he doesn’t want to provide for me if I relocate to be with him. It turns out, he is counting on a possible inheritance to provide for me instead, and has been giving me advice to help make that happen, all of which he disclosed in his note. My long-distance partner is diagnosed with Aspergers and is currently dividing up his assets as a prelude to divorce. Can you give me your best guess as to how he is reasoning?
I am single and have been largely unemployed for the last year. I have no assets. However, my parents, to whom I am extremely close, are getting on in years. I stand to inherit a low six-figure sum, barring interventions from a sibling I’ve always mistrusted. In recent months, I’ve been talking to my partner B. about these worries, while at the same time making it clear my foremost goal is for my parents to make their own decisions. He’s been counseling me to take preventative action in regard to my sibling, which I’ve listened to, but not acted on once I was reassured that my parents were doing what they wanted.
B., meanwhile, is a bit older than me at past 50, a former lawyer, very well off, and an Aspie. He is also in the middle of a divorce. In his country, that requires an even split of assets and full agreement by both parties on how assets are to be arranged, or risk having to spend years in court. He has played the traditional provider role with his wife, even preceding their marriage. His goal with her has been to offer her such a generous arrangement, she’ll sign the papers without protest.
Over the course of the past year, in extended daily emails, we have talked of my joining him in his country after he divorces, though my introduction to his life there would have to be gradual, as he has two teenagers, and I need easy access to my parents. We have not really discussed future economics, barring my discussion of my likely having difficulty finding a job there, given my skillset and experience here. He also knows I don’t want to be single anymore and want to marry, and I know he prefers not to remarry, which makes sense to me given his current situation. We have not attempted to come to any agreement about how to arrange a permanent relationship.
We recently saw each other in person, and spent 24-7 in non-stop conversation, which is only an extension of what’s been happening long distance, only better. However, the trip itself was an economic hardship for me because I’m unemployed. He kept offering to pay for it, but even that put me in a precarious economic situation because I needed to time my going according to rent payments and other bills. Finally, a friend of his intervened, and insisted on paying for my ticket, without which I would not have gone. Shortly before leaving, however, I had to ask B. for additional help, so I wouldn’t return to financial catastrophe, and he gave me $500, which made a huge difference. During the trip, he also paid for all the food and lodging. En route home, I got a job interview. Now, about a month later, I just had a different interview, and I’m about to go in for my second interview there.
Meanwhile, the other day, in an email discussion about “what nexts,” he wrote to say he no longer wanted to be a provider and, in fact, had never wanted to be a provider. Moreover, he thought were he to play that role with me once we were living together, it would ultimately doom the relationship. That was part of the reason, he said, he’s been strongly pushing me to take action in regard to the inheritance and my sibling. Were I to join him, he said, he would of course pay for my room and board. But he would otherwise want me to use the inheritance to support myself, so that I would remain completely independent, and he could always understand my motivations for being with him. He then repeatedly made reference to my focusing on getting a job right now.
So in a short note, I told him that if he’d reached the point where he was imagining the demise of my parents because it would provide more economic equity in the relationship, he’d both lost me as an audience, and had lost the thread.
Over the course of the day, however, I got even more upset. So I followed up with a longer note, reiterating that it seemed clear it would be most comfortable for him if my parents died, then I inherited. I also questioned whether he shouldn’t talk to his therapist about how angry the division of assets between him and his wife was making him, given the fact he seems to think it reasonable to arm me with money from my not-yet-deceased-thank-you-very-much parents in order to make himself feel better. I went on from there and, in retrospect, got nasty and sweary, accusing him of classism, pretension, and scoffing at his use of his own money, saying perhaps he should get involved with an independent woman of means instead, and that I was sorry he’d ever made any money at all. I have not heard back from him.
I feel like he has been manipulating me and has breached my trust. I also feel like I’ve been “accused,” somehow of bad faith because of his feelings about his divorce. I agree my economic independence would be preferable, but not at the expense of my parents. Who is wrong here? Is there something I’m missing? To what degree is Asberger’s playing a role?
I am single and have been largely unemployed for the last year. I have no assets. However, my parents, to whom I am extremely close, are getting on in years. I stand to inherit a low six-figure sum, barring interventions from a sibling I’ve always mistrusted. In recent months, I’ve been talking to my partner B. about these worries, while at the same time making it clear my foremost goal is for my parents to make their own decisions. He’s been counseling me to take preventative action in regard to my sibling, which I’ve listened to, but not acted on once I was reassured that my parents were doing what they wanted.
B., meanwhile, is a bit older than me at past 50, a former lawyer, very well off, and an Aspie. He is also in the middle of a divorce. In his country, that requires an even split of assets and full agreement by both parties on how assets are to be arranged, or risk having to spend years in court. He has played the traditional provider role with his wife, even preceding their marriage. His goal with her has been to offer her such a generous arrangement, she’ll sign the papers without protest.
Over the course of the past year, in extended daily emails, we have talked of my joining him in his country after he divorces, though my introduction to his life there would have to be gradual, as he has two teenagers, and I need easy access to my parents. We have not really discussed future economics, barring my discussion of my likely having difficulty finding a job there, given my skillset and experience here. He also knows I don’t want to be single anymore and want to marry, and I know he prefers not to remarry, which makes sense to me given his current situation. We have not attempted to come to any agreement about how to arrange a permanent relationship.
We recently saw each other in person, and spent 24-7 in non-stop conversation, which is only an extension of what’s been happening long distance, only better. However, the trip itself was an economic hardship for me because I’m unemployed. He kept offering to pay for it, but even that put me in a precarious economic situation because I needed to time my going according to rent payments and other bills. Finally, a friend of his intervened, and insisted on paying for my ticket, without which I would not have gone. Shortly before leaving, however, I had to ask B. for additional help, so I wouldn’t return to financial catastrophe, and he gave me $500, which made a huge difference. During the trip, he also paid for all the food and lodging. En route home, I got a job interview. Now, about a month later, I just had a different interview, and I’m about to go in for my second interview there.
Meanwhile, the other day, in an email discussion about “what nexts,” he wrote to say he no longer wanted to be a provider and, in fact, had never wanted to be a provider. Moreover, he thought were he to play that role with me once we were living together, it would ultimately doom the relationship. That was part of the reason, he said, he’s been strongly pushing me to take action in regard to the inheritance and my sibling. Were I to join him, he said, he would of course pay for my room and board. But he would otherwise want me to use the inheritance to support myself, so that I would remain completely independent, and he could always understand my motivations for being with him. He then repeatedly made reference to my focusing on getting a job right now.
So in a short note, I told him that if he’d reached the point where he was imagining the demise of my parents because it would provide more economic equity in the relationship, he’d both lost me as an audience, and had lost the thread.
Over the course of the day, however, I got even more upset. So I followed up with a longer note, reiterating that it seemed clear it would be most comfortable for him if my parents died, then I inherited. I also questioned whether he shouldn’t talk to his therapist about how angry the division of assets between him and his wife was making him, given the fact he seems to think it reasonable to arm me with money from my not-yet-deceased-thank-you-very-much parents in order to make himself feel better. I went on from there and, in retrospect, got nasty and sweary, accusing him of classism, pretension, and scoffing at his use of his own money, saying perhaps he should get involved with an independent woman of means instead, and that I was sorry he’d ever made any money at all. I have not heard back from him.
I feel like he has been manipulating me and has breached my trust. I also feel like I’ve been “accused,” somehow of bad faith because of his feelings about his divorce. I agree my economic independence would be preferable, but not at the expense of my parents. Who is wrong here? Is there something I’m missing? To what degree is Asberger’s playing a role?
It is beyond weird for him to be counting on you getting an inheritance, while your parents are both alive. It feels ghoulish. Furthermore, it's not really possible for you to move out of the country and still be in easy reach of your parents. Travelling back and forth is expensive and seems to be above your means. Plus there is the little matter of him being married to someone else.
All of this seems premature at best.
Does it really matter who is wrong or why he's acting the way he is? Even if you completely understand his behaviour, that won't change it one bit. The two of you seem incompatible in many ways and I think it would be best for you to distance yourself from him and not worry about whether or not his behavour is rooted in Asperger's.
Honestly, do yourself a favour and throw this one back.
posted by Too-Ticky at 11:28 PM on July 27, 2018 [6 favorites]
All of this seems premature at best.
Does it really matter who is wrong or why he's acting the way he is? Even if you completely understand his behaviour, that won't change it one bit. The two of you seem incompatible in many ways and I think it would be best for you to distance yourself from him and not worry about whether or not his behavour is rooted in Asperger's.
Honestly, do yourself a favour and throw this one back.
posted by Too-Ticky at 11:28 PM on July 27, 2018 [6 favorites]
This isn’t directly answering the question but is something important to think about if you haven’t already: is there a way for you to move to his country legally without a job or marriage? In most countries this is extremely difficult/impossible.
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 11:31 PM on July 27, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 11:31 PM on July 27, 2018 [9 favorites]
I am perpetually broke and struggling and usually my instincts would be to sympathize with the poor person in a relationship like this, but... I feel like you were too harsh with him. So, he was looking at your financial history and worrying about getting into a "provider" role again, and he was pushing you to try to get a job and get your inheritance squared away with your parents. None of that is unreasonable. Maybe he was jumping the gun a bit, talking about you relying on your inheritance while your parents are still alive, but was he talking about you somehow collecting the inheritance while they're still alive? Something doesn't add up there. I think it's more likely he was saying that when you do eventually get your inheritance he wants you to rely on that, not expect him to pay for everything.
It seems like you're really under-valuing his offer to pay for your room and board. It sounds like he was expecting you to buy your own clothes and transportation but he'd take care of all the main necessities. That's incredibly generous, especially for somebody who claims he doesn't want to be a "provider" for his partner.
I see this as him having some (perhaps understandable) cold feet and struggling to set some boundaries, and you responding with a lot of anger and defensiveness. Again, I say all this as somebody who is always struggling financially and knows all to well the shame and struggle that can come with dating somebody who makes a lot more money. You got nasty, by your own admission, and I think you owe him an apology.
(I'm not sure if he is a cheater. He and his wife are in the process of a divorce and dividing up assets. As to what happened before that, we don't really know. If he was engaging in a LDR while he was married, that would be cheating. But the description of the chronology here is a little confusing to me.)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 11:32 PM on July 27, 2018 [17 favorites]
It seems like you're really under-valuing his offer to pay for your room and board. It sounds like he was expecting you to buy your own clothes and transportation but he'd take care of all the main necessities. That's incredibly generous, especially for somebody who claims he doesn't want to be a "provider" for his partner.
I see this as him having some (perhaps understandable) cold feet and struggling to set some boundaries, and you responding with a lot of anger and defensiveness. Again, I say all this as somebody who is always struggling financially and knows all to well the shame and struggle that can come with dating somebody who makes a lot more money. You got nasty, by your own admission, and I think you owe him an apology.
(I'm not sure if he is a cheater. He and his wife are in the process of a divorce and dividing up assets. As to what happened before that, we don't really know. If he was engaging in a LDR while he was married, that would be cheating. But the description of the chronology here is a little confusing to me.)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 11:32 PM on July 27, 2018 [17 favorites]
He’s not even divorced yet and he’s already worried about getting fleeced by you. He’s not ready for another relationship, much less a permanent partnership. Both of you need to slow waaaaaay down.
posted by Jubey at 11:48 PM on July 27, 2018 [26 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 11:48 PM on July 27, 2018 [26 favorites]
we have talked of my joining him in his country after he divorces,
completely ridiculous. he's the man of means, he's the one able but unwilling to financially maintain a foreigner with no visible means of support, he's the one who can afford to relocate. obviously you can't take on the risk and burden of moving to his country all alone and your biggest mistake was indulging him in this fantasy.
he wants to be the sun around which your impoverished earth orbits. this has fuck-all to do with the autism spectrum. he does not have to provide for you and is right to tell you in advance that he will not be doing so. but that means he doesn't have any business expecting you to be the one to do all the life-changing and expensive parts of building a prospective partnership. absurd.
you may have broken up with him already, without realizing it. and if you haven't, you may want to consider it. but if you don't, you can at least declare your parents' financial decisions belatedly out of bounds for his input.
and don't move to be with him.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:51 PM on July 27, 2018 [30 favorites]
completely ridiculous. he's the man of means, he's the one able but unwilling to financially maintain a foreigner with no visible means of support, he's the one who can afford to relocate. obviously you can't take on the risk and burden of moving to his country all alone and your biggest mistake was indulging him in this fantasy.
he wants to be the sun around which your impoverished earth orbits. this has fuck-all to do with the autism spectrum. he does not have to provide for you and is right to tell you in advance that he will not be doing so. but that means he doesn't have any business expecting you to be the one to do all the life-changing and expensive parts of building a prospective partnership. absurd.
you may have broken up with him already, without realizing it. and if you haven't, you may want to consider it. but if you don't, you can at least declare your parents' financial decisions belatedly out of bounds for his input.
and don't move to be with him.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:51 PM on July 27, 2018 [30 favorites]
He didn't even pay for your ticket for your first visit- his friend did?!?! That's not cool. He's mad at his long lack of financial boundaries with his wife, and now he's taking it out on you. You'll never have as much money as he does; this will never be ok.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:52 PM on July 27, 2018 [20 favorites]
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:52 PM on July 27, 2018 [20 favorites]
Were I to join him, he said, he would of course pay for my room and board. But he would otherwise want me to use the inheritance to support myself, so that I would remain completely independent, and he could always understand my motivations for being with him.
& you cannot depend on him for room and board -- i.e. survival, what keeps you from starvation and homelessness -- and simultaneously be independent. that is nonsense. Using your own money for everything else -- entertainment and transportation, I guess -- will not make you independent at all; it will just eat up your limited theoretical funds so that you are completely dependent. no secure savings, no growing investments. just this guy making sure you eat or don't eat, day by day or month by month. this, if you go for it, will make you helpless. helpless and required to be grateful.
meanwhile, what has he done to prove to you the purity of his motivations for being with you? do you feel you will always understand them, as he expects to always understand yours?
posted by queenofbithynia at 12:01 AM on July 28, 2018 [21 favorites]
& you cannot depend on him for room and board -- i.e. survival, what keeps you from starvation and homelessness -- and simultaneously be independent. that is nonsense. Using your own money for everything else -- entertainment and transportation, I guess -- will not make you independent at all; it will just eat up your limited theoretical funds so that you are completely dependent. no secure savings, no growing investments. just this guy making sure you eat or don't eat, day by day or month by month. this, if you go for it, will make you helpless. helpless and required to be grateful.
meanwhile, what has he done to prove to you the purity of his motivations for being with you? do you feel you will always understand them, as he expects to always understand yours?
posted by queenofbithynia at 12:01 AM on July 28, 2018 [21 favorites]
I will agree with him on one thing: you should work toward being as financially self-reliant as possible.
This is all I can endorse. LDRs and emotional affairs can offer the Lite version of a relationship, where none of the pesky seams of real partnership stick out. If it stings like this now, it will be so much worse when you live with him.
Admittedly, I may have a jaundiced view of these scenarios; I have seen enough men his age (or even younger) sulk in resentment at some supposed expectation that they should be “providers,” only to take on a younger partner as a sort of meal ticket for their “second acts” in life — finally free of commitments to earlier partners or careers, coasting on the hope that someone with earning potential and low self-esteem adopts them. Please don’t discuss your potential inheritance with him anymore; he has an obvious conflict of interest here, and it makes me uneasy.
Go on those job interviews; keep doing that until an offer manifests, and savour that feeling of being valued and chosen. Cherish this time in which you still have both parents living; cherish being close to them while you can. Fall in love again someday, if you like, with someone who isn’t bitter, or already married, or eerily eager to see you become an orphan. Note the example of the Baby Boomers: never take an inheritance for given. Plan on you.
You are so much more than just a post-divorce landing spot. You are so much more than an arm-candy retirement plan. You deserve so much more than emotional sloppy seconds. Trust your instincts.
posted by armeowda at 12:11 AM on July 28, 2018 [24 favorites]
This is all I can endorse. LDRs and emotional affairs can offer the Lite version of a relationship, where none of the pesky seams of real partnership stick out. If it stings like this now, it will be so much worse when you live with him.
Admittedly, I may have a jaundiced view of these scenarios; I have seen enough men his age (or even younger) sulk in resentment at some supposed expectation that they should be “providers,” only to take on a younger partner as a sort of meal ticket for their “second acts” in life — finally free of commitments to earlier partners or careers, coasting on the hope that someone with earning potential and low self-esteem adopts them. Please don’t discuss your potential inheritance with him anymore; he has an obvious conflict of interest here, and it makes me uneasy.
Go on those job interviews; keep doing that until an offer manifests, and savour that feeling of being valued and chosen. Cherish this time in which you still have both parents living; cherish being close to them while you can. Fall in love again someday, if you like, with someone who isn’t bitter, or already married, or eerily eager to see you become an orphan. Note the example of the Baby Boomers: never take an inheritance for given. Plan on you.
You are so much more than just a post-divorce landing spot. You are so much more than an arm-candy retirement plan. You deserve so much more than emotional sloppy seconds. Trust your instincts.
posted by armeowda at 12:11 AM on July 28, 2018 [24 favorites]
I would be worrying about the opening I was creating for his next emotional affair, were I to become the new wife whom he would resent supporting.
posted by KateViolet at 2:37 AM on July 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by KateViolet at 2:37 AM on July 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
Maybe it’s because you’re broke that it seems like a lot, but a “low six figure” inheritance isn’t a fortune that will end your need to work.
Anyway this guy’s a joke. DTMFA.
posted by spitbull at 4:03 AM on July 28, 2018 [28 favorites]
Anyway this guy’s a joke. DTMFA.
posted by spitbull at 4:03 AM on July 28, 2018 [28 favorites]
We have a romantic history that has played out in nonstop conversation over several decades.
Really? You've been having a decades-long emotional affair with a married man? Do you think you're the only one he's been carrying on with all these years? I'd bet $$$ you're one of many.
Your post makes me painfully sad for you. You refer to him as "your partner". Honey .. he's not your partner. He's not even divorced yet.
This is a mess. Walk away, get yourself into therapy and be glad he's far away in another country and you never have to see him again. Cut off all contact. You can't afford to spend any more time, money or energy on this loser.
posted by Kangaroo at 4:13 AM on July 28, 2018 [62 favorites]
Really? You've been having a decades-long emotional affair with a married man? Do you think you're the only one he's been carrying on with all these years? I'd bet $$$ you're one of many.
Your post makes me painfully sad for you. You refer to him as "your partner". Honey .. he's not your partner. He's not even divorced yet.
This is a mess. Walk away, get yourself into therapy and be glad he's far away in another country and you never have to see him again. Cut off all contact. You can't afford to spend any more time, money or energy on this loser.
posted by Kangaroo at 4:13 AM on July 28, 2018 [62 favorites]
Nothing about this scenario seems good for you, or as if it can possibly end well. The issue here isn’t “who is wrong in this particular argument” or “is his Asperger’s playing a role in this discussion.” Even if we could wave a magic wand and settle that you are 100% in the right, it wouldn’t fix the bigger issues here. This is one of the most clear cut examples of “end this relationship now” that I’ve seen in a long time. Walk away. Or decide that long distance has worked for you so far and you’re okay with long distance forever, I guess. But there is no way that moving to his country is going to work out given the facts you’ve laid out here.
posted by Stacey at 5:17 AM on July 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 5:17 AM on July 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
This honestly reads much more like a scam than a relationship, except that instead of money you're sending him emotional validation. I'm not saying it's literally a scam, but there are a lot of parallels. The whole situation just sounds like really bad news. Nothing good will come of you pursuing this one inch farther. You need to get out, get therapy, and one day find yourself a real relationship with someone who isn't so awful. This guy is bad for you.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:28 AM on July 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:28 AM on July 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
I imagine that from his perspective, you are financially inept, since you needed to ask him for money and have not been employed for a year. Your discussion of your concerns about your inheritance probably feed into that perception too.
Because of that, he is letting you know what his boundaries are for financial support. It sounds like he's willing to pay your room and board but does not want to be handing out cash for your other expenses. That's a pretty important boundary for him to convey, and an important thing for you to know.
He probably specifically mentioned your inheritance because it was something you had been talking about, which may have led him to believe it was more certain and imminent than it is.
I recommend putting some thought into what you want and expect in a relationship and determine whether he meets those needs. There isn't anything else you need to understand about him to figure that out.
posted by metasarah at 5:53 AM on July 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
Because of that, he is letting you know what his boundaries are for financial support. It sounds like he's willing to pay your room and board but does not want to be handing out cash for your other expenses. That's a pretty important boundary for him to convey, and an important thing for you to know.
He probably specifically mentioned your inheritance because it was something you had been talking about, which may have led him to believe it was more certain and imminent than it is.
I recommend putting some thought into what you want and expect in a relationship and determine whether he meets those needs. There isn't anything else you need to understand about him to figure that out.
posted by metasarah at 5:53 AM on July 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
There are enough red flags here for a Chinese military parade. I like to read murder mystery books, and this could be the beginning of one. I don’t actually think he would murder your parents, but you shouldn’t move to his country.
posted by Anne Neville at 6:24 AM on July 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Anne Neville at 6:24 AM on July 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
Even with the most charitable reading of his statements and intentions, this is not a healthy relationship for you. It's going to suck, but you need to go cold turkey on communicating with this guy, because you've messily intertwined yourselves.
posted by Candleman at 6:29 AM on July 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Candleman at 6:29 AM on July 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
You seem incredibly naive about supporting yourself. That is worrisome, especially if you are considering moving to a foreign country where you will be completely dependent on someone who has told you flat out they don't want to support you. Having a good time with someone while on vacation (that someone else is paying for) and being in a solid committed relationship are not the same thing. The former does not guarantee the latter.
My advice to you would be at the very least, forget about moving to this guy's country. Make sure the inheritance that you seem to be depending on will actually be yours - and I mean in writing, not "this will all be yours someday." In the meantime, secure your own financial independence.
This is definitely one of those times where I can imagine the other person's Ask...
posted by lyssabee at 6:41 AM on July 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
My advice to you would be at the very least, forget about moving to this guy's country. Make sure the inheritance that you seem to be depending on will actually be yours - and I mean in writing, not "this will all be yours someday." In the meantime, secure your own financial independence.
This is definitely one of those times where I can imagine the other person's Ask...
posted by lyssabee at 6:41 AM on July 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
He of course has every right to choose not to be your provider, though it’s not compatible with his desire for an unemployed person to move to his country.
It’s good he’s telling you this now because as you’re seeing, it’s throwing a wrench in your plans (fantasies) of being with him. I would consider room and board “providing” for you— but he has to know you can’t simply materialize a job, and the inheritance thing is gross. Neither of you should be looking at that as any sort of plan, not just because it’s gross but because you can’t live off of that amount. It’s disgusting of him to encourage you to rely on the future inheritance, but he’s not out of line to encourage you to find a job.
On balance I agree with others that this guy is bad news. However, I think you both are behaving in slightly wtf ways. Why did you visit his country if you had no way of getting there, risking financial ruin? Why didn’t you accept his offer to pay but accepted his friend’s offer— do you know this friend? It’s presumptuous and unrealitistic of you to count on him for marriage and money based on a largely online emotional affair. Now that you know he is not willing to provide these things, you will have to re-evaluate everything realistically.
I think drawn-out online romances like this can be blank screens onto which we project all our hopes and dreams, and it’s SO painful when they come crashing down in the harsh light of day. It might be time to let it crash down, though, so you don’t get yourself stuck in another country, broke, with a person who isn’t at all who you hoped he’d be.
posted by kapers at 6:42 AM on July 28, 2018 [13 favorites]
It’s good he’s telling you this now because as you’re seeing, it’s throwing a wrench in your plans (fantasies) of being with him. I would consider room and board “providing” for you— but he has to know you can’t simply materialize a job, and the inheritance thing is gross. Neither of you should be looking at that as any sort of plan, not just because it’s gross but because you can’t live off of that amount. It’s disgusting of him to encourage you to rely on the future inheritance, but he’s not out of line to encourage you to find a job.
On balance I agree with others that this guy is bad news. However, I think you both are behaving in slightly wtf ways. Why did you visit his country if you had no way of getting there, risking financial ruin? Why didn’t you accept his offer to pay but accepted his friend’s offer— do you know this friend? It’s presumptuous and unrealitistic of you to count on him for marriage and money based on a largely online emotional affair. Now that you know he is not willing to provide these things, you will have to re-evaluate everything realistically.
I think drawn-out online romances like this can be blank screens onto which we project all our hopes and dreams, and it’s SO painful when they come crashing down in the harsh light of day. It might be time to let it crash down, though, so you don’t get yourself stuck in another country, broke, with a person who isn’t at all who you hoped he’d be.
posted by kapers at 6:42 AM on July 28, 2018 [13 favorites]
A man who gets this bitter about having to divide assets with his decades long partner who birthed 2 of his children is not a good or giving person. He's showing you who he is, believe him.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 8:33 AM on July 28, 2018 [26 favorites]
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 8:33 AM on July 28, 2018 [26 favorites]
How you get them is how you lose them.
Think very carefully about moving one inch further with this dude.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 9:20 AM on July 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
Think very carefully about moving one inch further with this dude.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 9:20 AM on July 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
I am autistic and let me tell you, his AS is irrelevant here. Others have already said the rest.
posted by frantumaglia at 9:34 AM on July 28, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by frantumaglia at 9:34 AM on July 28, 2018 [7 favorites]
I stand to inherit a low six-figure sum
You and he are both pretty naive to think that an amount this low will be 1) enough to live off of in a foreign country at all, and 2) even be left for you to inherit at all.
My maternal grandmother had an amount like this saved but it was all gone by the time she died at 96 - spent on nursing home care in the good ole US of A. You have two living parents and you have no idea how they will go, or how much of a protracted process that will be.
My paternal grandfather actually had more than that - maybe half a million or so? Partly from his hard work and partly the final remnants of my great-great grandfather's wealth. However, it was almost all gone by the time my grandfather died at 94 because he fell prey to a predator who specialized in fleecing elderly people. There was a court case that got some of it back but much of it went to paying the lawyer.
These experiences have left me with an iron-clad refusal to count on an inheritance at all, in the slightest. The only money I can count on is the money I earn myself.
Anyway, this man is not your partner - he's a married man you've been having an affair with. He is not nice. You should not count on him for anything. You should extricate yourself from this sad, limp, unsatisfying fantasy of a relationship.
posted by Squeak Attack at 9:35 AM on July 28, 2018 [23 favorites]
You and he are both pretty naive to think that an amount this low will be 1) enough to live off of in a foreign country at all, and 2) even be left for you to inherit at all.
My maternal grandmother had an amount like this saved but it was all gone by the time she died at 96 - spent on nursing home care in the good ole US of A. You have two living parents and you have no idea how they will go, or how much of a protracted process that will be.
My paternal grandfather actually had more than that - maybe half a million or so? Partly from his hard work and partly the final remnants of my great-great grandfather's wealth. However, it was almost all gone by the time my grandfather died at 94 because he fell prey to a predator who specialized in fleecing elderly people. There was a court case that got some of it back but much of it went to paying the lawyer.
These experiences have left me with an iron-clad refusal to count on an inheritance at all, in the slightest. The only money I can count on is the money I earn myself.
Anyway, this man is not your partner - he's a married man you've been having an affair with. He is not nice. You should not count on him for anything. You should extricate yourself from this sad, limp, unsatisfying fantasy of a relationship.
posted by Squeak Attack at 9:35 AM on July 28, 2018 [23 favorites]
There is a whole forest of red flags here and I don't think that this man's being on the spectrum, or not, is among them or an issue:
- You and he appear to have a decades-long emotional affair while he was still married. I don't think someone who would do that is trustworthy. If he's willing to have a lengthy emotional affair as a married man, possibly as an escape instead of trying to work on his marriage, can he be trusted if he becomes your partner?
- In my observation, men who are this upset and bitter about money, especially when there are kids involved, aren't good bets as partners, especially if you need them to support you financially. Sometimes this frugality happens because someone really has been taken advantage of financially, and sometimes it's an indication of a really gross misogynistic, selfish mentality. Either way, if this guy wants to set hard financial boundaries, it's probably going to stay that way - can you live with that?
- Inheritances. Don't count on them. Stuff happens and with the cost of end-of-life care you can't count on receiving one. It's great if you do! But it's not something you should depend on.
Life is hard for ordinary people, we do need a better safety net in the US, and this is why Bernie Sanders is so popular. But it's a cruel fact that you can't depend on an inheritance, or a partner willing to support you. If you can support yourself, that's really the only thing you can count on.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:09 AM on July 28, 2018
- You and he appear to have a decades-long emotional affair while he was still married. I don't think someone who would do that is trustworthy. If he's willing to have a lengthy emotional affair as a married man, possibly as an escape instead of trying to work on his marriage, can he be trusted if he becomes your partner?
- In my observation, men who are this upset and bitter about money, especially when there are kids involved, aren't good bets as partners, especially if you need them to support you financially. Sometimes this frugality happens because someone really has been taken advantage of financially, and sometimes it's an indication of a really gross misogynistic, selfish mentality. Either way, if this guy wants to set hard financial boundaries, it's probably going to stay that way - can you live with that?
- Inheritances. Don't count on them. Stuff happens and with the cost of end-of-life care you can't count on receiving one. It's great if you do! But it's not something you should depend on.
Life is hard for ordinary people, we do need a better safety net in the US, and this is why Bernie Sanders is so popular. But it's a cruel fact that you can't depend on an inheritance, or a partner willing to support you. If you can support yourself, that's really the only thing you can count on.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:09 AM on July 28, 2018
You'be been unemployed for a year, you went on an expensive trip that you couldn't afford where he paid for everything for you and then before leaving you asked for additional money to pay your bills, which he gave you. He sent that email to you because this is not what he wants the relationship to look like on the financial side. Sounds like he's a little worried about your motivations because of this and actually probably also in part because you're talking about your parents' inheritance while they're still alive. So he's putting down boundaries while still offering to pay your room and board which, honestly, those are pretty much your living expenses taken care of right there. Paying room and board doesn't sound like he's leaving you out helpless to fend for yourself. If you're not happy with that or how he's behaving, though, it doesn't matter who's right.
posted by Polychrome at 11:06 AM on July 28, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by Polychrome at 11:06 AM on July 28, 2018 [9 favorites]
This is someone else's husband, for starters.
The whole situation is bad news. Get a job, and disconnect from this dude.
posted by 41swans at 12:29 PM on July 28, 2018 [8 favorites]
The whole situation is bad news. Get a job, and disconnect from this dude.
posted by 41swans at 12:29 PM on July 28, 2018 [8 favorites]
Agreeing with others that this post makes you sound really naive. Firstly, as others have said, you probably can't move to a country legally without a job or marriage. My husband is Brazilian and in my country, it didn't even matter that we were married. He had to stay here on a number of different work visas for two years before he was given residency. It is a really long and stressful process to get residency in most countries, and honestly it doesn't sound like this relationship has the foundation needed to go through such a process (and you might not have the pre-requisites, anyway).
Do not move to a foreign country for this man who is so bitter and who had an emotional affair for decades. He honestly sounds awful. Why are you settling for someone who is giving his wife a 'generous' settlement to trick her so that she doesn't get what she's entitled to? I hope she has a damn good lawyer. And he wants you to live off your potential inheritance? Your parents aren't dead - they could last 10 or 20 years, maybe. You're going to wait all that time before living together? And what if you don't get anything when they do die? Then the whole plan is scuttled.
Instead of worrying about this relationship, you should be putting your energy into getting financially secure. You are in quite a precarious situation with no assets or job and as other people have pointed out, low six figures is almost nothing. What about retirement? I'm not saying this to scare you, but because it feels like you're looking in completely the wrong direction.
posted by thereader at 12:31 PM on July 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Do not move to a foreign country for this man who is so bitter and who had an emotional affair for decades. He honestly sounds awful. Why are you settling for someone who is giving his wife a 'generous' settlement to trick her so that she doesn't get what she's entitled to? I hope she has a damn good lawyer. And he wants you to live off your potential inheritance? Your parents aren't dead - they could last 10 or 20 years, maybe. You're going to wait all that time before living together? And what if you don't get anything when they do die? Then the whole plan is scuttled.
Instead of worrying about this relationship, you should be putting your energy into getting financially secure. You are in quite a precarious situation with no assets or job and as other people have pointed out, low six figures is almost nothing. What about retirement? I'm not saying this to scare you, but because it feels like you're looking in completely the wrong direction.
posted by thereader at 12:31 PM on July 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm trying to make sense of this. You've been having a phone/letter/email affair with a married man for decades. He has teenagers, so you've been doing this since his kids were babies?
Now he says he's getting a divorce, wants to be with you--but only if you move to HIS country and he won't introduce you to his kids and he won't help support you and he's hoping your parents die so you can get an inheritance? Any chance he's also a Nairobi prince?
This all sounds super fishy and it seems like you've been pulled into a long con. This guy is looking to take all your money and you'll never hear from him again.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:11 PM on July 28, 2018 [7 favorites]
Now he says he's getting a divorce, wants to be with you--but only if you move to HIS country and he won't introduce you to his kids and he won't help support you and he's hoping your parents die so you can get an inheritance? Any chance he's also a Nairobi prince?
This all sounds super fishy and it seems like you've been pulled into a long con. This guy is looking to take all your money and you'll never hear from him again.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:11 PM on July 28, 2018 [7 favorites]
I meant to add what makes this incredibly suspicious is he wanted to get together after you told him about your inheritance but for previous decades had no interest. Seems super fishy.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:22 PM on July 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:22 PM on July 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Money and relationships can be so complicated, especially when you throw in international borders and a divorce with children involved. When the person has kids, regardless of age, you have to be willing to put their needs first. Now a semi-single woman in her mid-30s, I've dated people with children and it's hard to remember at times but crucial. He may not be the best dad to them but you need not enable any more shittiness. I can see how he's setting up these boundaries to protect himself, which is wise if unrealistic; I also see how you, understandably, are not cool with how vulnerable this would leave you.
I agree that this guy isn't the dreamboat you've been wishing he were but I also don't think you need to DTMFA if you're not ready. If and when the time comes, you will know and act accordingly. For now he could come visit YOU here in the US next: you can cook together at home, watch Netflix, go for walks, and do other cheap/free stuff. See how it goes! It might be great but it also might suck: either way, you'll know more.
If I may, I think this relationship is a placeholder for you, a way for you to daydream about a better future when you're not very happy in the present. I get it and feel for you! I've been there and done that myself -- the details are different but there are some similarities, too. You actually have many options even if it feels like you have to choose between this guy and your current reality. I'm so glad those relationships of mine ended but I also am glad I was able to grow from them. Definitely take the job here should you be offered it! Save up as much as you can and choose to revisit any plans to move a year from then. If he's a good partner, he'll agree; in fact, if he's mindful, he would probably even be grateful for the extra time and opportunities for you both to get on your feet. It sounds like he needs even more time than you and he's lying to himself to insist otherwise.
The inheritance isn't a real factor until you have the cash in the bank at your disposal. If and when it is, it will be incredibly freeing for you. As others have said, it's not enough to live off of forever, regardless of where you're going, but it's a wonderful cushion that can help you with a move to a place you really like. If he's older and retired and well-off, he could always join you there in 3-5 years once his teens have become adults.
I don't think this guy sounds great at all -- the divorce and Asperger's certainly affect him but to pin his shitty behavior on those is unfair to the people who are divorced and/or have Asperger's, the vast majority who are good and trying to do their best for themselves and the people they love.
What do you want in life? I've been there and done that: hitching myself to other people's dreams and issues rather than address my own. It enabled me to avoid some hard feelings but also left me feeling resentful and hurt. Doing it in long-distance relationships gives you a certain buffer from the challenges of every day: I am fully supportive of long-distance relationships, both short-term and long-term, but I have also become much more grounded and real when I pursue them. In fact, I'm starting one right now. I'm so glad that I never married or moved for any of the previous people: if moving is what you want to do, then you can always do it but just make sure you have a back up plan. Enough money for a ticket home and a place you can return to for a few weeks while you get reestablished in the US. Good relationships can grow through and past a mess to flourish; bad relationships relish in the mess because it's a way to avoid the true incompatibilities. By focusing on your own dreams and wants, you can truly have everything you want -- at least in a way that feels good and right. You can keep going with this guy but please put your own needs first, starting with accepting the job and giving yourself more time and space before making any more big decisions. Good luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 6:43 PM on July 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
I agree that this guy isn't the dreamboat you've been wishing he were but I also don't think you need to DTMFA if you're not ready. If and when the time comes, you will know and act accordingly. For now he could come visit YOU here in the US next: you can cook together at home, watch Netflix, go for walks, and do other cheap/free stuff. See how it goes! It might be great but it also might suck: either way, you'll know more.
If I may, I think this relationship is a placeholder for you, a way for you to daydream about a better future when you're not very happy in the present. I get it and feel for you! I've been there and done that myself -- the details are different but there are some similarities, too. You actually have many options even if it feels like you have to choose between this guy and your current reality. I'm so glad those relationships of mine ended but I also am glad I was able to grow from them. Definitely take the job here should you be offered it! Save up as much as you can and choose to revisit any plans to move a year from then. If he's a good partner, he'll agree; in fact, if he's mindful, he would probably even be grateful for the extra time and opportunities for you both to get on your feet. It sounds like he needs even more time than you and he's lying to himself to insist otherwise.
The inheritance isn't a real factor until you have the cash in the bank at your disposal. If and when it is, it will be incredibly freeing for you. As others have said, it's not enough to live off of forever, regardless of where you're going, but it's a wonderful cushion that can help you with a move to a place you really like. If he's older and retired and well-off, he could always join you there in 3-5 years once his teens have become adults.
I don't think this guy sounds great at all -- the divorce and Asperger's certainly affect him but to pin his shitty behavior on those is unfair to the people who are divorced and/or have Asperger's, the vast majority who are good and trying to do their best for themselves and the people they love.
What do you want in life? I've been there and done that: hitching myself to other people's dreams and issues rather than address my own. It enabled me to avoid some hard feelings but also left me feeling resentful and hurt. Doing it in long-distance relationships gives you a certain buffer from the challenges of every day: I am fully supportive of long-distance relationships, both short-term and long-term, but I have also become much more grounded and real when I pursue them. In fact, I'm starting one right now. I'm so glad that I never married or moved for any of the previous people: if moving is what you want to do, then you can always do it but just make sure you have a back up plan. Enough money for a ticket home and a place you can return to for a few weeks while you get reestablished in the US. Good relationships can grow through and past a mess to flourish; bad relationships relish in the mess because it's a way to avoid the true incompatibilities. By focusing on your own dreams and wants, you can truly have everything you want -- at least in a way that feels good and right. You can keep going with this guy but please put your own needs first, starting with accepting the job and giving yourself more time and space before making any more big decisions. Good luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 6:43 PM on July 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
I think some of these answers are unnecessarily harsh on the guy and are jumping to conclusions that weren't actually present in the post (for example, the OP does not say that the guy is offering his wife less than she is due; in fact, my reading of it is that he *may* be offering her *more* than she is due to get the split over with quickly). And he did offer to pay for the OP's trip but she refused and let the friend pay instead. Etc.
OP, unless this guy is seriously a major jerk, I'm sure he doesn't actually want your parents to die soon so that you can get an inheritance. It sounds to me like your recent trip there and inability to pay for it (not to mention needing $500 from him afterward for your bills) brought to his attention your financial state, and he felt he needed to make it clear that he is not willing to pay for 100% of your expenses if you move to be with him. That seems reasonable to me - I think most people would feel that way, *especially* after supporting a spouse and going through a financially costly divorce. He has (generously, imo) said he would pay for your room and board and expects you to pay for other things rather than leaning on him for 100% of your expenses.
Re: your actual question, it's really hard for us to tell you for certain what's motivating his comments. But it sounds to me like your recent trip there + financial hardships plus his recent divorce are possible motivators.
In terms of practical considerations for you:
(1) As others have mentioned, you are extremely unlikely to be able to move to his country without a job or marriage anyway.
(2) You two should probably have a discussion around marriage, as currently it sounds like you disagree in that area which could be a dealbreaker down the line.
(3) You need some sort of income with which to support yourself. Even if you find a way to move to his country and he pays for your room and board, you'll need money for other things.
(4) As others have pointed out, a low six figure inheritance really isn't as much money as it sounds and isn't a permanent financial solution.
Best of luck to you.
posted by sunflower16 at 8:03 PM on July 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
OP, unless this guy is seriously a major jerk, I'm sure he doesn't actually want your parents to die soon so that you can get an inheritance. It sounds to me like your recent trip there and inability to pay for it (not to mention needing $500 from him afterward for your bills) brought to his attention your financial state, and he felt he needed to make it clear that he is not willing to pay for 100% of your expenses if you move to be with him. That seems reasonable to me - I think most people would feel that way, *especially* after supporting a spouse and going through a financially costly divorce. He has (generously, imo) said he would pay for your room and board and expects you to pay for other things rather than leaning on him for 100% of your expenses.
Re: your actual question, it's really hard for us to tell you for certain what's motivating his comments. But it sounds to me like your recent trip there + financial hardships plus his recent divorce are possible motivators.
In terms of practical considerations for you:
(1) As others have mentioned, you are extremely unlikely to be able to move to his country without a job or marriage anyway.
(2) You two should probably have a discussion around marriage, as currently it sounds like you disagree in that area which could be a dealbreaker down the line.
(3) You need some sort of income with which to support yourself. Even if you find a way to move to his country and he pays for your room and board, you'll need money for other things.
(4) As others have pointed out, a low six figure inheritance really isn't as much money as it sounds and isn't a permanent financial solution.
Best of luck to you.
posted by sunflower16 at 8:03 PM on July 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
His goal with her has been to offer her such a generous arrangement, she’ll sign the papers without protest.
"goal" oh shit so this hasn't even happened yet, is that what this means? this is why he's doing all the work of dividing up "his" assets on his own, without her participation?
does she know she's getting divorced?
does she know you exist and that he's been spending money on you, even if only for the one visit? this would probably have some major influence on whether she's likely to accept or protest his offered arrangement.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:26 PM on July 28, 2018 [9 favorites]
"goal" oh shit so this hasn't even happened yet, is that what this means? this is why he's doing all the work of dividing up "his" assets on his own, without her participation?
does she know she's getting divorced?
does she know you exist and that he's been spending money on you, even if only for the one visit? this would probably have some major influence on whether she's likely to accept or protest his offered arrangement.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:26 PM on July 28, 2018 [9 favorites]
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DTMFA. I hardly ever say that, but what value does he bring you? He's a known cheater, you have no physical relationship since you live in different countries, and he's already said he won't support you financially.
posted by notjustthefish at 11:15 PM on July 27, 2018 [60 favorites]