How to cope with going on a trip you don't want to go on?
June 22, 2018 6:59 AM Subscribe
Looking for ways to cope with going on a trip I don't feel up for going on.
For ~reasons~ I need to go on a short trip (just over a week) that I don't really feel up for going on. It's going to set me back more money than I am comfortable with and comes at a time when I really just feel that I want to be in my hometown, recuperating from a hectic couple of years and following my routine to get back on track emotionally. I also feel that while the destination is no doubt beautiful, I am not necessarily in a state of mind to really appreciate it.
Do you have any advice for snapping out of this and finding a way to enjoy the trip?
Have you ever been on a trip you weren't excited about and then it turned out to be fantastic?
For ~reasons~ I need to go on a short trip (just over a week) that I don't really feel up for going on. It's going to set me back more money than I am comfortable with and comes at a time when I really just feel that I want to be in my hometown, recuperating from a hectic couple of years and following my routine to get back on track emotionally. I also feel that while the destination is no doubt beautiful, I am not necessarily in a state of mind to really appreciate it.
Do you have any advice for snapping out of this and finding a way to enjoy the trip?
Have you ever been on a trip you weren't excited about and then it turned out to be fantastic?
Trips I haven't been super excited on going on have been made more fun by what I got to do while on those trips: restaurants I got to try, natural sights I got to experience, or unique shopping I got to do, beyond the thing that I was ostensibly on the trip to do.
It is also possible to bring a game you haven't played yet, a book you have yet to read, or albums (digitally) that you have yet to listen to that will help pass the time more interestingly.
posted by koucha at 7:20 AM on June 22, 2018
It is also possible to bring a game you haven't played yet, a book you have yet to read, or albums (digitally) that you have yet to listen to that will help pass the time more interestingly.
posted by koucha at 7:20 AM on June 22, 2018
Are there small elements of your routine that you can bring along, as it were? E.g. if you normally walk a dog, make a point to go on a walk of about the same distance every morning; if you normally eat a particular thing for breakfast, see if you can find a local version of that every day; if you normally call a relative on Saturdays, give that person a call and say “guess where I am?” Etc.
posted by eirias at 7:24 AM on June 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by eirias at 7:24 AM on June 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Have you ever been on a trip you weren't excited about and then it turned out to be fantastic?
I have been on a trip I was SUPER EXCITED about and it turned out to be ultra-depressing (and the fact I didn't enjoy it just made it worse, and it became self-perpetuating, and it was a nightmare). Sooo your low expectations can be a good thing.
Tricks to cope will depend largely on the destination - if you're staying in one place, it will be much easier to turn it into a "recuperating" trip with a repetitive routine than if you travel somewhere new every day (just because you're going somewhere exciting doesn't mean you have to do touristy things! My favourite trips involve cycling/walking around a city and hanging out in parks with a book or people-watching).
If you have to follow a set tour, then.... I'll leave suggestions up to other people. *ahem*
posted by ClarissaWAM at 7:25 AM on June 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have been on a trip I was SUPER EXCITED about and it turned out to be ultra-depressing (and the fact I didn't enjoy it just made it worse, and it became self-perpetuating, and it was a nightmare). Sooo your low expectations can be a good thing.
Tricks to cope will depend largely on the destination - if you're staying in one place, it will be much easier to turn it into a "recuperating" trip with a repetitive routine than if you travel somewhere new every day (just because you're going somewhere exciting doesn't mean you have to do touristy things! My favourite trips involve cycling/walking around a city and hanging out in parks with a book or people-watching).
If you have to follow a set tour, then.... I'll leave suggestions up to other people. *ahem*
posted by ClarissaWAM at 7:25 AM on June 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Treat yourself to a good book you've been meaning to read, and spend some of your time reading; for me, that is the calmest thing.
It's okay to go someplace really great and not see every single thing. If you want to spend a morning drinking coffee at a cafe and surfing the web, that's okay.
Travel usually includes food, restaurants, bakeries, that pastry with that coffee, etc., and especially if you're with others. Nutrition is central to feeling okay. Eat vegetables, don't eat too much sugar, don't drink too much alcohol. Have that pastry, but maybe just one.
Exercise. Walking is a great way to interact with any place you go, and exercise makes you feel better.
Indulge yourself a little. Buy that art from the sidewalk artist, or that item of clothing that is really cool.
If you are with others, pay attention to your extro- or intro-version. I'm a true extrovert, but I still need time to recharge when I'm with others, esp. family.
I hope the trip goes okay.
posted by theora55 at 7:43 AM on June 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
It's okay to go someplace really great and not see every single thing. If you want to spend a morning drinking coffee at a cafe and surfing the web, that's okay.
Travel usually includes food, restaurants, bakeries, that pastry with that coffee, etc., and especially if you're with others. Nutrition is central to feeling okay. Eat vegetables, don't eat too much sugar, don't drink too much alcohol. Have that pastry, but maybe just one.
Exercise. Walking is a great way to interact with any place you go, and exercise makes you feel better.
Indulge yourself a little. Buy that art from the sidewalk artist, or that item of clothing that is really cool.
If you are with others, pay attention to your extro- or intro-version. I'm a true extrovert, but I still need time to recharge when I'm with others, esp. family.
I hope the trip goes okay.
posted by theora55 at 7:43 AM on June 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
You may be able to tailor your trip specifically to meet your mental and emotional health needs, depending on where. Are you expected to join someone or a group on a planned schedule or do you have autonomy?
posted by Young Kullervo at 8:01 AM on June 22, 2018
posted by Young Kullervo at 8:01 AM on June 22, 2018
Some of this depends on why you have to go. I had a few trips I had to go on for $reasons this year and some went well and some went a little less well but overall I did not die and they didn't make a lasting negative impact. So a few things
- first off, if you need to go, decide you are going, that it's a choice you made and there's nothing you can do about it. Money doesn't matter because you made the choice (i.e. no sense agonizing over it though you can find ways to save money if that will help address some of the feelings)
- second, think what might make it feel better for you and/or appealing. Maybe a great movie/book for the travel time. Maybe you plan something fun when you get there. Maybe you make sure to pack the things you really need to enjoy the place your going. Don't self-sabotage by not doing the things you need to do in order to prepare.
- third, think about those $reasons. Is your presence going to make someone else happy? Is there a celebration? Is it important for work? Focus on that being Good Enough and if there are deeper things at work (maybe you don't really feel connected to the couple, maybe you hate parties, maybe you hate your job) you can put that on the "to deal with" list when you get home
- fourth get support. Whether it's a friend you can really talk to about this or just someone else on the trip who maybe isn't on their dream vacation. Don't just endlessly bitch about it but share your concerns, it often feels better to have someone in "your corner"
I got an all-expense paid trip to Hawai'i earlier this year that everyone was excited about but me. I wound up with some allergies (did not prepare) and some other issues (did not pack right, did not plan enough) that were my own fault and some of it was I am actually shruggo on Hawaii. That said, I took some nice photos, I got to sort of see the place for my friends and family who were not there. I learned some neat things and did not die. Ultimately a week is not that long even though it feels that way and then you can do the thing you want. You will be okay. It's okay to not want to go.
posted by jessamyn at 8:14 AM on June 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
- first off, if you need to go, decide you are going, that it's a choice you made and there's nothing you can do about it. Money doesn't matter because you made the choice (i.e. no sense agonizing over it though you can find ways to save money if that will help address some of the feelings)
- second, think what might make it feel better for you and/or appealing. Maybe a great movie/book for the travel time. Maybe you plan something fun when you get there. Maybe you make sure to pack the things you really need to enjoy the place your going. Don't self-sabotage by not doing the things you need to do in order to prepare.
- third, think about those $reasons. Is your presence going to make someone else happy? Is there a celebration? Is it important for work? Focus on that being Good Enough and if there are deeper things at work (maybe you don't really feel connected to the couple, maybe you hate parties, maybe you hate your job) you can put that on the "to deal with" list when you get home
- fourth get support. Whether it's a friend you can really talk to about this or just someone else on the trip who maybe isn't on their dream vacation. Don't just endlessly bitch about it but share your concerns, it often feels better to have someone in "your corner"
I got an all-expense paid trip to Hawai'i earlier this year that everyone was excited about but me. I wound up with some allergies (did not prepare) and some other issues (did not pack right, did not plan enough) that were my own fault and some of it was I am actually shruggo on Hawaii. That said, I took some nice photos, I got to sort of see the place for my friends and family who were not there. I learned some neat things and did not die. Ultimately a week is not that long even though it feels that way and then you can do the thing you want. You will be okay. It's okay to not want to go.
posted by jessamyn at 8:14 AM on June 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
What works for me, when I have a trip coming up but I don't feel enthusiastic yet, is to make a custom Google Map. I use it to familiarise myself with the layout of the place I'm going to, and to collect all the things that seem interesting to me (from web searches, articles, or just exploring the map).
On Google Maps, go to the left-hand menu: Your places: Maps: Create Map. You can click things and select "Add to map", or place new markers. On each marker you can add additional information, reminding you what made you save it.
That way all my ideas are saved in one convenient place, rather than scattered bookmarks or vague recollection. You can access your custom map with the Google Map app on your phone, so it's available wherever you are.
I find that the act of doing this has the effect of increasing my interest and enthusiasm, and making me feel more prepared.
(I sometimes also add items to my Google Calendar, if I know I want to do them on certain days. I know some people like using Trello to plan trips too.)
posted by snarfois at 8:17 AM on June 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
On Google Maps, go to the left-hand menu: Your places: Maps: Create Map. You can click things and select "Add to map", or place new markers. On each marker you can add additional information, reminding you what made you save it.
That way all my ideas are saved in one convenient place, rather than scattered bookmarks or vague recollection. You can access your custom map with the Google Map app on your phone, so it's available wherever you are.
I find that the act of doing this has the effect of increasing my interest and enthusiasm, and making me feel more prepared.
(I sometimes also add items to my Google Calendar, if I know I want to do them on certain days. I know some people like using Trello to plan trips too.)
posted by snarfois at 8:17 AM on June 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
Have you ever been on a trip you weren't excited about and then it turned out to be fantastic?
Yes, but it didn't turn out fantastic per say, more like "went better than expected".
I was invited to for an in-law family member wedding abroad. I am terrible, just terrible, with heat. The wedding was in Greece. In August. And to take place in an all-inclusive family resort. I mean, I can't even think of what else to add to that list to make it any less appealing to me as a way to spend 5 days of precious vacation days.
But it was fine. Better than fine actually. It wasn't amazing, but I think because I had such low expectations, just being in a nice place with nice people for a nice occasion turned out to be rather... nice.
I couldn't shift my attitude before the trip. But while I was there I just said to myself, "Look, I'm here. Either I can be a pain in the ass and waste my week or I can just put down my guard, put on a floppy hat and appreciate the blue skies and tasty food." So I did.
I know a lot of that hinges on one's personal disposition but that's how I am able to look back on that particular holiday thinking "went better than expected" and that's good enough.
posted by like_neon at 8:21 AM on June 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Yes, but it didn't turn out fantastic per say, more like "went better than expected".
I was invited to for an in-law family member wedding abroad. I am terrible, just terrible, with heat. The wedding was in Greece. In August. And to take place in an all-inclusive family resort. I mean, I can't even think of what else to add to that list to make it any less appealing to me as a way to spend 5 days of precious vacation days.
But it was fine. Better than fine actually. It wasn't amazing, but I think because I had such low expectations, just being in a nice place with nice people for a nice occasion turned out to be rather... nice.
I couldn't shift my attitude before the trip. But while I was there I just said to myself, "Look, I'm here. Either I can be a pain in the ass and waste my week or I can just put down my guard, put on a floppy hat and appreciate the blue skies and tasty food." So I did.
I know a lot of that hinges on one's personal disposition but that's how I am able to look back on that particular holiday thinking "went better than expected" and that's good enough.
posted by like_neon at 8:21 AM on June 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Would friendly faces help? You could propose a MeFi meet-up while you’re there...
posted by freya_lamb at 8:40 AM on June 22, 2018
posted by freya_lamb at 8:40 AM on June 22, 2018
This isn't a travel-specific thing, this is a mental habits thing.
You've done whatever math you've done and you've decided you are going on the trip. Right? You're going. So now you can (must!) put aside all your "but it will suck" thoughts, because you yourself have decided they're not useful. The impulse to "prove yourself right" by not enjoying the trip is what you need to recognize and reject. Like when they say that love is an action? Enjoyment is also an action.
That means actively deciding to enjoy the beautiful scenery, and deciding to enjoy the topsiturviness of traveling life. Decide that pigeons are funny rather than disgusting (pigeons serving here as a metaphor for everything.)
The money thing, you can help yourself here by deciding ahead of time how much money you're willing to spend and not going over that. It sounds like you're traveling with people; this MAY mean that you duck out for meals if they decide they need to be at pricey places, or skipping certain outings. Whatever you do, decide ahead of time on the amount you're spending, make your peace with it and stick to it so that you're not adding to your stress by wondering how much it's setting you back.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:43 AM on June 22, 2018
You've done whatever math you've done and you've decided you are going on the trip. Right? You're going. So now you can (must!) put aside all your "but it will suck" thoughts, because you yourself have decided they're not useful. The impulse to "prove yourself right" by not enjoying the trip is what you need to recognize and reject. Like when they say that love is an action? Enjoyment is also an action.
That means actively deciding to enjoy the beautiful scenery, and deciding to enjoy the topsiturviness of traveling life. Decide that pigeons are funny rather than disgusting (pigeons serving here as a metaphor for everything.)
The money thing, you can help yourself here by deciding ahead of time how much money you're willing to spend and not going over that. It sounds like you're traveling with people; this MAY mean that you duck out for meals if they decide they need to be at pricey places, or skipping certain outings. Whatever you do, decide ahead of time on the amount you're spending, make your peace with it and stick to it so that you're not adding to your stress by wondering how much it's setting you back.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:43 AM on June 22, 2018
I also feel that while the destination is no doubt beautiful, I am not necessarily in a state of mind to really appreciate it.
Last July, four days before a trip to Australia I was preparing for, a very close friend and colleague died suddenly on the way between a morning wedding I had had to miss and the evening reception we were going to attend. I found out relatively early and as word spread and as I got back to other social events that evening, I got to experience the waves of grief and shock that washed over our whole community of friends, as well as the small island community that my friend lived in, numerous different times, each of them awful. Worse, because of some miscommunication with his home consulate and his family not being able to make it out here in time, I ended up being the lead person who went to identify his body along with one of the police officers from the island. And then I went home, and packed, and flew to Perth the next day. I went on to Melbourne, Canberra and Sydney, then to Bali and Lombok, then home to Hong Kong, all over a month.
It did, in the end, work out fine. Here's what happened and what might work for you:
1) I told my friends in Perth right away that all of this had happened and they were brilliant from the moment I arrived, helping me talk it out and clearing our schedule so I could do less. We spent a lot of time doing things around their house, actually, like organizing shelves and playing with their toddler. We baked some bread and went to their local curry place. It was very suburban and refreshingly stabilising and normal to be in someone else's routine. I think I did one museum and one beach? It was hard going those first few days mentally and even emptying their dishwasher was grounding, you know?
Can you make space/time for normal, routine things? If you have a yoga/journaling/gym/call-your-mom routine every day/week, can you still fit it in?
2) I obviously spent a lot of time thinking about my friend on the trip and reshaped my itinerary so I would see things that he would appreciate about where I was; he had never made it to Australia. He was a huge military-history buff, so I made the effort to 'take him along' with me, and spent time at some very moving places when I was emotionally ready, like the Melbourne Shrine of Remembrance and Hylands Bookshop, and the Australian National Maritime Museum in Sydney.
Is there a way you can bring in whatever is part of your reason for not going on this trip into your trip?
3) I was travelling alone and so I spent more time than usual talking to strangers, and in this great cocktail bar in Melbourne I ended up striking up a great conversation with someone that lasted for a good three hours! We're still in touch.
Can the trip be an avenue into new friendships or relationships? Is there anyone new to meet?
4) My trip to Bali ended up feeling too commercial/noisy/busy, so I flew to Lombok for a few days, to a quiet and beautiful beach lodge, and did almost nothing. This was the only part of the vacation, in retrospect, that was actually truly restful.
Can you find a space like this on your trip? A trip within a trip just for you, your thoughts, your moments?
5) I stopped feeling pressure to take good photos, instead just taking photos of moments that made sense, or matched what I was feeling.
Can you commemorate how you feel about this trip without feeling like it needs to be a performative experience for others? Can some art or music come out of this trip?
I hope everything works out!
posted by mdonley at 9:13 AM on June 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
Last July, four days before a trip to Australia I was preparing for, a very close friend and colleague died suddenly on the way between a morning wedding I had had to miss and the evening reception we were going to attend. I found out relatively early and as word spread and as I got back to other social events that evening, I got to experience the waves of grief and shock that washed over our whole community of friends, as well as the small island community that my friend lived in, numerous different times, each of them awful. Worse, because of some miscommunication with his home consulate and his family not being able to make it out here in time, I ended up being the lead person who went to identify his body along with one of the police officers from the island. And then I went home, and packed, and flew to Perth the next day. I went on to Melbourne, Canberra and Sydney, then to Bali and Lombok, then home to Hong Kong, all over a month.
It did, in the end, work out fine. Here's what happened and what might work for you:
1) I told my friends in Perth right away that all of this had happened and they were brilliant from the moment I arrived, helping me talk it out and clearing our schedule so I could do less. We spent a lot of time doing things around their house, actually, like organizing shelves and playing with their toddler. We baked some bread and went to their local curry place. It was very suburban and refreshingly stabilising and normal to be in someone else's routine. I think I did one museum and one beach? It was hard going those first few days mentally and even emptying their dishwasher was grounding, you know?
Can you make space/time for normal, routine things? If you have a yoga/journaling/gym/call-your-mom routine every day/week, can you still fit it in?
2) I obviously spent a lot of time thinking about my friend on the trip and reshaped my itinerary so I would see things that he would appreciate about where I was; he had never made it to Australia. He was a huge military-history buff, so I made the effort to 'take him along' with me, and spent time at some very moving places when I was emotionally ready, like the Melbourne Shrine of Remembrance and Hylands Bookshop, and the Australian National Maritime Museum in Sydney.
Is there a way you can bring in whatever is part of your reason for not going on this trip into your trip?
3) I was travelling alone and so I spent more time than usual talking to strangers, and in this great cocktail bar in Melbourne I ended up striking up a great conversation with someone that lasted for a good three hours! We're still in touch.
Can the trip be an avenue into new friendships or relationships? Is there anyone new to meet?
4) My trip to Bali ended up feeling too commercial/noisy/busy, so I flew to Lombok for a few days, to a quiet and beautiful beach lodge, and did almost nothing. This was the only part of the vacation, in retrospect, that was actually truly restful.
Can you find a space like this on your trip? A trip within a trip just for you, your thoughts, your moments?
5) I stopped feeling pressure to take good photos, instead just taking photos of moments that made sense, or matched what I was feeling.
Can you commemorate how you feel about this trip without feeling like it needs to be a performative experience for others? Can some art or music come out of this trip?
I hope everything works out!
posted by mdonley at 9:13 AM on June 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
I went on a trip to Boston once for moot court while I was in law school that happened at a time when I had a relationship tanking and I was miserable in law school and didn't really want to be there by any stretch of the imagination. It was still not my best trip ever, but--it depends on the circumstances you're going into, of course. If this is a camping trip to the middle of nowhere, that may be more challenging. But just because you're going to a place that's beautiful or has a lot of historical stuff doesn't mean that your vacation can't largely involve, for example, laying in a hotel tub with a book using their expensive shower gels like bubble bath and then lolling around in a bathrobe for the rest of the evening. Figure out what about where you're going is just objectively better than what you've got at home for minimal effort, whether it's food options or soaking tubs or whatever, and focus on that stuff. Don't worry about having the best trip ever, just look at what will allow you to have a few nice days without making a huge production.
If you clarify something about where you're going, btw, people might be able to suggest affordable low-stress stuff for while you're there.
posted by Sequence at 10:32 AM on June 22, 2018
If you clarify something about where you're going, btw, people might be able to suggest affordable low-stress stuff for while you're there.
posted by Sequence at 10:32 AM on June 22, 2018
In similar situations, I find it so helpful to make sure I do my own thing for some amount of time during the trip. That means waking up early and walking far to get a coffee by myself and do some reading, or just waking up early and wandering around exploring and being autonomous for a few hours. You probably don't have to be pulled around 24 hrs a day by the whims/scheduling of others, and just knowing you have some agency might help. Even extremely stressful trips leave me really wonderful memories of these hours of solo roaming/relaxing.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 10:39 AM on June 22, 2018
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 10:39 AM on June 22, 2018
One mental trick that helps me is to view the stay as a “tasting trip:” I’m not trying to jam in all the usual must-see/do sights and experiences, I’m just doing enough to decide whether to return at some future date, under better circumstances. This stance enables me to feel fine about self-care decisions, like skipping group activities or lounging around the hotel all day. It can even be a virtue if it’s a place which you think you would probably enjoy with other people; you’ve “saved” classic destination activity x to experience for the first time together. Or, you’ve checked it out already so you’ll have a better time together next trip. Either way: win! I hope your trip exceeds expectations.
posted by carmicha at 10:41 AM on June 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by carmicha at 10:41 AM on June 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
For me I often worry about the disruption of my routine, and I can hyperfocus on that disruption, which then limits how much energy I have to focus on the good parts of the trip. I stress out about the amount of work I need to do in advance of PTO and the burden of work on my return, I stress out about coming back to a dirty house with dead plants, about feeling tired on my return, about needing to do an insane amount of laundry to unpack, and then jump back into work as if I were relaxed. Hah! Things I do to mitigate my worries, to make it easier for me to enjoy travel:
1) hire a cleaner to clean my house the week before, and order takeout the night before I leave (no dishes!)
2) make a packing list in advance and make sure I have everything ready so that I can easily pack the night before.
3) figure out transportation in advance - how will I get to the airport? How will I get home? - and optimize for the least stressful option.
4) leave my bed freshly made so that when I get home, I can drop down in comfort.
5) forgive myself for missing work/personal obligations. (This one is hard for me but critical.)
posted by samthemander at 11:26 AM on June 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
1) hire a cleaner to clean my house the week before, and order takeout the night before I leave (no dishes!)
2) make a packing list in advance and make sure I have everything ready so that I can easily pack the night before.
3) figure out transportation in advance - how will I get to the airport? How will I get home? - and optimize for the least stressful option.
4) leave my bed freshly made so that when I get home, I can drop down in comfort.
5) forgive myself for missing work/personal obligations. (This one is hard for me but critical.)
posted by samthemander at 11:26 AM on June 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm on a trip right now that I was not excited at all about and am actually enjoying quite a bit! Things that have helped include:
-keeping my morning routine the same as it is at home, including yoga and meditation, helping me feel grounded and still like ME
-being unapologetic about taking time away from the group for myself whenever I want, usually multiple times each day
-spending a little time each day doing work, weirdly -- also helps me feel more like myself, I think.
-taking lots of pictures and sharing them on social media to remind myself that I really am in a beautiful place
posted by LeeLanded at 4:13 PM on June 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
-keeping my morning routine the same as it is at home, including yoga and meditation, helping me feel grounded and still like ME
-being unapologetic about taking time away from the group for myself whenever I want, usually multiple times each day
-spending a little time each day doing work, weirdly -- also helps me feel more like myself, I think.
-taking lots of pictures and sharing them on social media to remind myself that I really am in a beautiful place
posted by LeeLanded at 4:13 PM on June 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by JonB at 7:15 AM on June 22, 2018 [2 favorites]