How do I give myself closure when I still like him?
June 21, 2018 6:46 PM Subscribe
I’m packing up and moving town for a new job. And in the process, ending things with this person that I’ve been seeing for all of a couple of weeks. And gosh darn it, am I sad about this. Can you help me get out of this mental loop and see some clarity here?
I wrote a question about this last week, and I’m still stuck in this mental loop about how maybe I’m ending things with ‘my forever person’ and sacrificing happiness and a relationship (I’ve been single, more or less, for four years) for some job (a job that is, no less, in my field and closer to the sort of career I would like to pursue and also the only job offer on my plate at the moment)
(I decided to end things rather than carry them out till the end (aka my flight leaves). I've left places and relationships before and it's the sort of thing that really tears me up. I'm at an age where I want a long-term relationship and not a five week long fling and I don't want to leave here a total emotional mess only to hop into a new job).
Some context. We met through a mutual friend. He’s a really lovely person: intelligent, kind and caring. He’s also attractive. I developed a bit of a crush and basically was actively pursuing him. When, after a month and a half, we decided to actually date, I was consistently the only person initiating any sort of touch (which he generally reciprocated. I just generally had the feeling that I was way more into him than he was into me. (I think this was partially because I’m the sort of person who goes from zero to sixty in a heartbeat, whereas I think he moves a lot slower with people). Sometimes I left our interactions wondering if he thought that I was like someone’s pesky kid sister. We had good, thoughtful, intelligent conversations and he made me laugh (and for me, talking about a man, that's really saying a lot), but I never really got a sense whether he was emotionally in a place where he really wanted to be in a relationship (with me?!) (but who knows, it was such early days it’s hard to tell!)
Anyway, I can’t stop wondering if I’ve made some huge mistake. But, like, I’m leaving town. I’ve signed the papers. I’m starting this job… Help?!
I wrote a question about this last week, and I’m still stuck in this mental loop about how maybe I’m ending things with ‘my forever person’ and sacrificing happiness and a relationship (I’ve been single, more or less, for four years) for some job (a job that is, no less, in my field and closer to the sort of career I would like to pursue and also the only job offer on my plate at the moment)
(I decided to end things rather than carry them out till the end (aka my flight leaves). I've left places and relationships before and it's the sort of thing that really tears me up. I'm at an age where I want a long-term relationship and not a five week long fling and I don't want to leave here a total emotional mess only to hop into a new job).
Some context. We met through a mutual friend. He’s a really lovely person: intelligent, kind and caring. He’s also attractive. I developed a bit of a crush and basically was actively pursuing him. When, after a month and a half, we decided to actually date, I was consistently the only person initiating any sort of touch (which he generally reciprocated. I just generally had the feeling that I was way more into him than he was into me. (I think this was partially because I’m the sort of person who goes from zero to sixty in a heartbeat, whereas I think he moves a lot slower with people). Sometimes I left our interactions wondering if he thought that I was like someone’s pesky kid sister. We had good, thoughtful, intelligent conversations and he made me laugh (and for me, talking about a man, that's really saying a lot), but I never really got a sense whether he was emotionally in a place where he really wanted to be in a relationship (with me?!) (but who knows, it was such early days it’s hard to tell!)
Anyway, I can’t stop wondering if I’ve made some huge mistake. But, like, I’m leaving town. I’ve signed the papers. I’m starting this job… Help?!
YMMV but this dynamic (feeling more invested that the other person, wondering what they think about me) has never ended well for me.
Before I read the More inside I was about to say you should give it a shot - but not with this dynamic, no.
posted by M. at 7:19 PM on June 21, 2018 [11 favorites]
Before I read the More inside I was about to say you should give it a shot - but not with this dynamic, no.
posted by M. at 7:19 PM on June 21, 2018 [11 favorites]
Oh lord, it is good you're going. This slight withholding, this slightly erratic energy towards you, this way of keeping you a bit on your toes? Not to be presumptuous but with me and with many other people that kind of opaque behavior in a new partner activates some kind of unconscious anxiety that feels *exactly* like desire and passion. If Person A steps back in the course of giving mixed signals it makes it very easy for Person B to step forward to fill the gap. If this is what's going on: This is not the same thing as the butterflies that come from total mutual excitement even though, in the rush of adrenaline and heart pounding, it feels exciting in the same way. You deserve someone who has butterflies too.
posted by nantucket at 7:26 PM on June 21, 2018 [20 favorites]
posted by nantucket at 7:26 PM on June 21, 2018 [20 favorites]
Ha ha, I also thought the More Inside would end differently.
This guy is NOT your forever person if you walk away from time with him feeling like a pesky little sister. Run. Run. Run. This never ends well. Never.
You're not missing a thing besides a belief interactions should be mutually enjoyable or it's not worth it, no matter how much you like them in theory. Where the rubber meets the road this guy made you feel slightly shitty. Nope, not relationship material. Feel free to move on confident you are making the correct choice!
posted by jbenben at 8:43 PM on June 21, 2018 [7 favorites]
This guy is NOT your forever person if you walk away from time with him feeling like a pesky little sister. Run. Run. Run. This never ends well. Never.
You're not missing a thing besides a belief interactions should be mutually enjoyable or it's not worth it, no matter how much you like them in theory. Where the rubber meets the road this guy made you feel slightly shitty. Nope, not relationship material. Feel free to move on confident you are making the correct choice!
posted by jbenben at 8:43 PM on June 21, 2018 [7 favorites]
I can understand that ending something because of a move or other outside circumstances rather than because of something within the relationship can be hard because you're stuck with the what ifs. But honestly, reading what you've described here, the potential what ifs for this relationship don't appear to lead to anything very fulfilling. That's not certain, of course, but if it helps you to process the loss of the potential of something, then maybe think of it that way.
You're in the midst of major change and it's scary. Project yourself to a year from now and think of how glad you'll be that you made these decisions.
Big hugs.
posted by acidnova at 8:48 PM on June 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
You're in the midst of major change and it's scary. Project yourself to a year from now and think of how glad you'll be that you made these decisions.
Big hugs.
posted by acidnova at 8:48 PM on June 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
I absolutely think that you made the right call here. You have barely begun dating this man, and a feeling of one-sided interest is a big red flag... I'm going to say this guy isn't a "forever relationship", and I bet you will meet lots of interesting potential partners in your new city. Best of luck with the move and your new job, hope to see an update from you!
posted by DTMFA at 9:27 PM on June 21, 2018
posted by DTMFA at 9:27 PM on June 21, 2018
This reads as projected anxiety about the upcoming change. Change is hard! Even good change hat you really want! Forget about this guy - he isn’t your “next week one”, let alone “forever one”. You can totally handle everything coming at you without his distraction. Congrats on the awesome job!
posted by saucysault at 11:29 PM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by saucysault at 11:29 PM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Your forever person will make you feel cherished and adored and loved and encouraged and wanted and needed and desired and will delight in you and what you achieve. This guy ain't that person.
posted by humuhumu at 2:31 AM on June 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by humuhumu at 2:31 AM on June 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
A smart friend once told me that this sort of thing happens to her a lot when she’s just about to leave a city - that something about the impending move makes it easier for her to open up to people. Could it be a similar change in your orientation to the world around you, rather than this guy, that’s making you feel this way? If so, perhaps you can capture some of that magic and bring it along with you, so that you are similarly open to the new experiences and people that await you in your new town. Congratulations and good luck with the move.
posted by eirias at 6:46 AM on June 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by eirias at 6:46 AM on June 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I had a similar experience this spring! Moved for a new job after just starting to see an exciting, sexy, wonderful new person who was also noncommittal/didn't want long distance. I felt a lot for them very quickly, and definitely had an internal "am I being too much?" dialogue going too.
In my case, we kept communicating for about a week after the move. In this time period I realized that, while they expressed fond sentiments and supportive things, the stakes and investment in saying these things were ultimately very low. If they had expressed wanting to keep things going long-distance, or a desire to revisit things in the future, I would have jumped on it in a second. But I tried to check myself a bit -- was I into this person, or the idea of who they might be in my life? I felt like "if only they would just change their mind about this one thing, we'd be set", but in reality, they were the person who wasn't all the way into it. That was the person who existed for me, not this hypothetical all-the-way-in other person. It hurt to realize that, well, this is ultimately a variant of "they're just not that into me".
I asked to go no-contact for a while, and they agreed. It's been a month and a half. It hasn't always been easy, but I'm very happy I didn't keep myself in that position. YMMV!
Side note: whenever I find myself worked up in the context of somebody being inconsistent, I find it helpful to review the concept of a variable ratio schedule of reinforcement.
posted by elephantsvanish at 7:40 AM on June 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
In my case, we kept communicating for about a week after the move. In this time period I realized that, while they expressed fond sentiments and supportive things, the stakes and investment in saying these things were ultimately very low. If they had expressed wanting to keep things going long-distance, or a desire to revisit things in the future, I would have jumped on it in a second. But I tried to check myself a bit -- was I into this person, or the idea of who they might be in my life? I felt like "if only they would just change their mind about this one thing, we'd be set", but in reality, they were the person who wasn't all the way into it. That was the person who existed for me, not this hypothetical all-the-way-in other person. It hurt to realize that, well, this is ultimately a variant of "they're just not that into me".
I asked to go no-contact for a while, and they agreed. It's been a month and a half. It hasn't always been easy, but I'm very happy I didn't keep myself in that position. YMMV!
Side note: whenever I find myself worked up in the context of somebody being inconsistent, I find it helpful to review the concept of a variable ratio schedule of reinforcement.
posted by elephantsvanish at 7:40 AM on June 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: In the past I also had that tendency to put effort into and get invested in relationships where the enthusiasm and effort was not equally reciprocated and they NEVER worked out in the end.
When it comes to relationships you have to keep in mind The Law of Fuck Yeah, which "states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them."
Paying attention to this law and focusing my attention on people who reciprocated in a way that made me feel respected, wanted, and on an equal footing in regards to interest my dating life was easier for me to manage. I could more easily determine when to keep going and when to cut my losses and move on. There were still disappointments, when someone I really liked didn't like me back, but it was easier to move on from those disappointments.
It's clear from your post that this guy doesn't feel "fuck yeah" towards you, so "fuck no." Everyone deserves someone who is enthusiastically into them and shows it.
posted by brookeb at 9:09 AM on June 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
When it comes to relationships you have to keep in mind The Law of Fuck Yeah, which "states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them."
Paying attention to this law and focusing my attention on people who reciprocated in a way that made me feel respected, wanted, and on an equal footing in regards to interest my dating life was easier for me to manage. I could more easily determine when to keep going and when to cut my losses and move on. There were still disappointments, when someone I really liked didn't like me back, but it was easier to move on from those disappointments.
It's clear from your post that this guy doesn't feel "fuck yeah" towards you, so "fuck no." Everyone deserves someone who is enthusiastically into them and shows it.
posted by brookeb at 9:09 AM on June 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: When I've had relationship stuff not work out, I find it helpful to focus on the fact that this experience shows that I am open to connection and capable of falling for someone, focusing on my personal growth / agency. The stuff inside you that you need for a relationship is in pretty good shape. You're taking that with you into future dating / relationships.
posted by momus_window at 10:22 AM on June 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by momus_window at 10:22 AM on June 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
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posted by bleep at 6:56 PM on June 21, 2018 [2 favorites]