How can I set attainable life goals and build a future for myself?
June 8, 2017 7:45 PM Subscribe
I am a 23 year old woman in graduate school. The job I want is probably impossible to get, and I don't have any backup plans. I'm afraid that when I finish graduate school I will have nowhere to go. Outside of my field I have no other goals, no other skills, no job prospects, and no personal relationships. Does anyone have any advice about how to start building a worthwhile adult life?
I'm working on a PhD in history, because I want to be a history professor. I'm in one of the top ten history programs in the US, but this doesn't mean much it turns out. It's generally understood by everyone here that history professor is not a job we can really aspire to. There are simply way more people seeking positions than there are positions available. If I can't be a history professor, I don't know what I'm going to do. I've never seriously entertained any other career. I have no other goals in life. The program I'm in will last at least four more years, at the end of which I'm afraid my life will basically be over.
There are at least two major things I want to work on in my life:
First of all, I'm still a virgin and I've never had a romantic relationship. Contrary to what reddit incel guys will tell you, being a conventionally attractive woman does not automatically make romance easy. I've been seeing a school therapist who thinks I'm autistic, but this is unconfirmed. Regardless, I can't seem to understand people or get close to them. I'm not shy exactly, I just don't know how to get anyone to like me. I think I'm a lesbian, but it's all theoretical. No one, male or female, has ever seemed interested in me. (Strange men sexually harassing me doesn't count.) I have plenty of acquaintances, but no real friends. I'm extremely lonely, but I don't know how to connect with anyone. I've never had a close friend in my life. Are there steps I can take now, at 23, to become the kind of person who has friends? I feel like I missed out on a lot of typical childhood experiences, and I'm afraid that I lack a lot of the necessary social skills. I spend plenty of time around people in my department, we go out to bars and things like that, but I don't feel like I know them at all. They seem like nice people but I find them very hard to read. There are so many things about them I can't understand or relate to that come from experiencing romance and friendship. When we go out, people gossip and talk about sex, and it makes me feel like I can never be like them. It seems impossible that any of the experiences they describe could ever happen to me. I even know several people who are married, and it blows my mind. I don't see how I could ever find a wife, it seems like something that can only happen in movies.
Second, I don't know how I'm ever going to get a "real job." My current stipend puts me just below the poverty line, so I work at a restaurant to supplement my income. The only jobs I've ever had are restaurant jobs. When I finish graduate school at 27 or 28, I'm afraid I won't be able to support myself. I don't know where I can live or what sort of work I can find. There's probably some sort of career counseling I could go to at school, but can anyone here give me advice about how to approach work more generally? How did you find your career? How does anyone find a career? It all seems very mysterious. Also, the thought of getting a "real job" fills me with despair. I wanted to be an academic because it's not really a job at all, it's more like being a wizard. I've spent a lot of time acquiring skills that I don't think will help me much. I write fanfiction, I can draw pretty well, I can read Ancient Greek and Latin. People told me I was stupid for studying "useless" subjects in college (I triple majored in history, classics, and Spanish), but I can't quite bring myself to regret it. I studied what I thought was interesting. Reading the Aeneid in Latin is a life-altering experience. I'd rather be broke and have that experience than be rich and not have it. At the same time, I need a place to live and a way to pay my rent. Is it worth trying to get a "real job" and make money or should I just work at Starbucks or something for the rest of my life? What is worthwhile, what is healthy? What will be the least miserable?
Tldr: I can't drive, I've never had sex, I've never had a real job, I've never had any real friends, and I'm afraid I'll never be a real adult. My goals seem unattainable, and I can't picture any sort of future for myself. Does anyone have advice about how I can make one?
I'm working on a PhD in history, because I want to be a history professor. I'm in one of the top ten history programs in the US, but this doesn't mean much it turns out. It's generally understood by everyone here that history professor is not a job we can really aspire to. There are simply way more people seeking positions than there are positions available. If I can't be a history professor, I don't know what I'm going to do. I've never seriously entertained any other career. I have no other goals in life. The program I'm in will last at least four more years, at the end of which I'm afraid my life will basically be over.
There are at least two major things I want to work on in my life:
First of all, I'm still a virgin and I've never had a romantic relationship. Contrary to what reddit incel guys will tell you, being a conventionally attractive woman does not automatically make romance easy. I've been seeing a school therapist who thinks I'm autistic, but this is unconfirmed. Regardless, I can't seem to understand people or get close to them. I'm not shy exactly, I just don't know how to get anyone to like me. I think I'm a lesbian, but it's all theoretical. No one, male or female, has ever seemed interested in me. (Strange men sexually harassing me doesn't count.) I have plenty of acquaintances, but no real friends. I'm extremely lonely, but I don't know how to connect with anyone. I've never had a close friend in my life. Are there steps I can take now, at 23, to become the kind of person who has friends? I feel like I missed out on a lot of typical childhood experiences, and I'm afraid that I lack a lot of the necessary social skills. I spend plenty of time around people in my department, we go out to bars and things like that, but I don't feel like I know them at all. They seem like nice people but I find them very hard to read. There are so many things about them I can't understand or relate to that come from experiencing romance and friendship. When we go out, people gossip and talk about sex, and it makes me feel like I can never be like them. It seems impossible that any of the experiences they describe could ever happen to me. I even know several people who are married, and it blows my mind. I don't see how I could ever find a wife, it seems like something that can only happen in movies.
Second, I don't know how I'm ever going to get a "real job." My current stipend puts me just below the poverty line, so I work at a restaurant to supplement my income. The only jobs I've ever had are restaurant jobs. When I finish graduate school at 27 or 28, I'm afraid I won't be able to support myself. I don't know where I can live or what sort of work I can find. There's probably some sort of career counseling I could go to at school, but can anyone here give me advice about how to approach work more generally? How did you find your career? How does anyone find a career? It all seems very mysterious. Also, the thought of getting a "real job" fills me with despair. I wanted to be an academic because it's not really a job at all, it's more like being a wizard. I've spent a lot of time acquiring skills that I don't think will help me much. I write fanfiction, I can draw pretty well, I can read Ancient Greek and Latin. People told me I was stupid for studying "useless" subjects in college (I triple majored in history, classics, and Spanish), but I can't quite bring myself to regret it. I studied what I thought was interesting. Reading the Aeneid in Latin is a life-altering experience. I'd rather be broke and have that experience than be rich and not have it. At the same time, I need a place to live and a way to pay my rent. Is it worth trying to get a "real job" and make money or should I just work at Starbucks or something for the rest of my life? What is worthwhile, what is healthy? What will be the least miserable?
Tldr: I can't drive, I've never had sex, I've never had a real job, I've never had any real friends, and I'm afraid I'll never be a real adult. My goals seem unattainable, and I can't picture any sort of future for myself. Does anyone have advice about how I can make one?
It all seems very mysterious.
I don't know if I should tell you this or not because at this stage of your life even thinking of it as a possibility may crush you. but if the time should come when you have to get a job not-professoring, it's easy.
I remember being your age and considerably less successful than you but with about the same range of fears and despairs, trying to figure out how much money it would take to buy a cabin in the woods and live in it until I died, because I could see grad school dropout in my future and I did not know what people did all day for money. literally did not know, had no idea. found it easier to imagine gathering roots and berries and living off the land than getting a job of any kind whatsoever because I did not know what jobs might be or how one got one or what one did there. the truth may surprise you and it is impossible to imagine until you have done it, but I'll tell you anyway:
you mostly go to an office and sit in a room with a computer in it, and do some bullshit.
when I said it was easy, I meant easy for you, in particular, regardless of the unemployment rate whenever you may give this a shot. because you are young, very well-educated, you have enough random knowledge and skills to fill a resume and bewilder an HR person but not so many overqualifications as to bar you from entry-level work. you can get a job in an office whenever you need to. you can go be a legal assistant or a private schoolteacher or a copyeditor or an assistant [anything] or a sales rep or an events coordinator or a PR person or any awful thing like that. you wouldn't like those jobs but you can get them and do them. You should start looking into non-academic historian/public history jobs right now, because I know they exist and have seen many a listing for them, but I do not have a history degree so I cannot get one. but you will. For emergency cash you can do SAT/GRE tutoring. This does not touch the problem of hating your future job, but you are in no danger of being unemployable at any point.
What you should do right now is get a job doing physical labor for the summer. For next summer, if you've already got teaching/research commitments for this one. Some programs prohibit you from taking outside employment if you're on fellowship and the key here is to lie about it. Spend two or three months as a baker or flooring installer or house cleaner or dog walker or deck hand or farm worker. either you will feel better, or you will feel terrible but much better about your hypothetical future in an office. and any attractive people you meet there will not be grad students, which is a plus.
if you really REALLY would rather be broke and broken but "in academia" than comfortable but despairing, the life of an adjunct will always be open to you. but I think you will be able to manage in other ways.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:09 PM on June 8, 2017 [38 favorites]
I don't know if I should tell you this or not because at this stage of your life even thinking of it as a possibility may crush you. but if the time should come when you have to get a job not-professoring, it's easy.
I remember being your age and considerably less successful than you but with about the same range of fears and despairs, trying to figure out how much money it would take to buy a cabin in the woods and live in it until I died, because I could see grad school dropout in my future and I did not know what people did all day for money. literally did not know, had no idea. found it easier to imagine gathering roots and berries and living off the land than getting a job of any kind whatsoever because I did not know what jobs might be or how one got one or what one did there. the truth may surprise you and it is impossible to imagine until you have done it, but I'll tell you anyway:
you mostly go to an office and sit in a room with a computer in it, and do some bullshit.
when I said it was easy, I meant easy for you, in particular, regardless of the unemployment rate whenever you may give this a shot. because you are young, very well-educated, you have enough random knowledge and skills to fill a resume and bewilder an HR person but not so many overqualifications as to bar you from entry-level work. you can get a job in an office whenever you need to. you can go be a legal assistant or a private schoolteacher or a copyeditor or an assistant [anything] or a sales rep or an events coordinator or a PR person or any awful thing like that. you wouldn't like those jobs but you can get them and do them. You should start looking into non-academic historian/public history jobs right now, because I know they exist and have seen many a listing for them, but I do not have a history degree so I cannot get one. but you will. For emergency cash you can do SAT/GRE tutoring. This does not touch the problem of hating your future job, but you are in no danger of being unemployable at any point.
What you should do right now is get a job doing physical labor for the summer. For next summer, if you've already got teaching/research commitments for this one. Some programs prohibit you from taking outside employment if you're on fellowship and the key here is to lie about it. Spend two or three months as a baker or flooring installer or house cleaner or dog walker or deck hand or farm worker. either you will feel better, or you will feel terrible but much better about your hypothetical future in an office. and any attractive people you meet there will not be grad students, which is a plus.
if you really REALLY would rather be broke and broken but "in academia" than comfortable but despairing, the life of an adjunct will always be open to you. but I think you will be able to manage in other ways.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:09 PM on June 8, 2017 [38 favorites]
Do you like the environment of academe? I know several humanities PhDs who with the most timid of cold call inquiries were snapped up by their own or another university for such jobs as a full-time grant application editor, assistant journal or magazine editor, distance learning editor, and executive assistant.
One can analytically sift career paths for significant use of your (self-perceived) specific skills. However, the approach of most of these acquaintances of mine was simply to apply for an interesting-sounding support job; perhaps desperately, but more often as an explorer. Many of these people report feeling sufficiently fulfilled and useful.
Your abilities to pursue and organize intellectual tasks counts. A professor of mine observed that a college degree tells any prospective employer that you can reliably show up for work.
posted by gregoreo at 8:23 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
One can analytically sift career paths for significant use of your (self-perceived) specific skills. However, the approach of most of these acquaintances of mine was simply to apply for an interesting-sounding support job; perhaps desperately, but more often as an explorer. Many of these people report feeling sufficiently fulfilled and useful.
Your abilities to pursue and organize intellectual tasks counts. A professor of mine observed that a college degree tells any prospective employer that you can reliably show up for work.
posted by gregoreo at 8:23 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: you can get a job in an office whenever you need to. you can go be a legal assistant or a private schoolteacher or a copyeditor or an assistant [anything] or a sales rep or an events coordinator or a PR person or any awful thing like that.
Wait, wait, wait. How can this be? I've had to go through fifty interviews just to get a job washing dishes, how can I get an office job whenever I need to? Everyone I know struggles to get the kinds of jobs you describe, even people who are very good at interviewing. I know a woman with a degree in library science who is trying to get some sort of office job right now, and it seems almost impossible. Don't you have to have interviews and make some sort of resume? Don't you have to get someone to like you in order for them to hire you? Don't you have to know something about business or PR to be a PR person? You're claiming I can just easily get a job doing that?? This sounds wildly implausible to me. Sales rep??? Don't you need social skills for that? Everything you're describing sounds much harder than academia.
posted by shield_maiden at 8:25 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Wait, wait, wait. How can this be? I've had to go through fifty interviews just to get a job washing dishes, how can I get an office job whenever I need to? Everyone I know struggles to get the kinds of jobs you describe, even people who are very good at interviewing. I know a woman with a degree in library science who is trying to get some sort of office job right now, and it seems almost impossible. Don't you have to have interviews and make some sort of resume? Don't you have to get someone to like you in order for them to hire you? Don't you have to know something about business or PR to be a PR person? You're claiming I can just easily get a job doing that?? This sounds wildly implausible to me. Sales rep??? Don't you need social skills for that? Everything you're describing sounds much harder than academia.
posted by shield_maiden at 8:25 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
well ok yes you need a resume and you need to live in a biggish city for it to be as easy as all that. but I am not saying it's easy to get a job you don't hate, just a job. I would have no idea how to get a dishwashing job, I would NEVER make it as a waiter, I did do some retail but struggled greatly both to get and keep those jobs.
but offices are easier. in fact, I have found that the more prestigious the job, the easier it is to get it, if you're a college/grad school grad.
I was dumb about this for many years because I assumed I couldn't get any job that paid well. so after I quit grad school I interned at a nonprofit (at the age of 26/27 and the humiliation of being that old and yet an intern was CRUSHING. don't be like me, that was silly. I mean, you can feel old and at the end of everything if you can't help it, but try to bear in mind that nobody else thinks that.) but I thought that was the best I could do and a great achievement, considering. but it was not the highest I could reach after all.
I will memail you with more specifics/anecdotes, if you don't mind. this is just my personal experience that I've got to back up my statements but I do believe other people like me can have basically the same success (or "success" depending how you look at it.)
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:32 PM on June 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
but offices are easier. in fact, I have found that the more prestigious the job, the easier it is to get it, if you're a college/grad school grad.
I was dumb about this for many years because I assumed I couldn't get any job that paid well. so after I quit grad school I interned at a nonprofit (at the age of 26/27 and the humiliation of being that old and yet an intern was CRUSHING. don't be like me, that was silly. I mean, you can feel old and at the end of everything if you can't help it, but try to bear in mind that nobody else thinks that.) but I thought that was the best I could do and a great achievement, considering. but it was not the highest I could reach after all.
I will memail you with more specifics/anecdotes, if you don't mind. this is just my personal experience that I've got to back up my statements but I do believe other people like me can have basically the same success (or "success" depending how you look at it.)
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:32 PM on June 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: If your field is anything like mine is (Ph.D dropout from an engineering-aligned field here, now working as staff in a university lab in a mostly-unrelated field), you'll find that being a professor is less like being a wizard and more like being a middle manager who also has to write tons of grant applications. It's a lot of hard work.
From what I know, I don't think history could be any more different from engineering. Obviously being a professor of any kind is hard work, but I don't think most history professors would compare it to being a middle manager. When I say they're like wizards I mean that they write books about arcane topics that they basically invented themselves, and they make up new words all the time, and most people outside of academia have no idea what they do. My advisor, for example, has what I consider to be the ideal job. She writes books about her extremely specific topic, she writes a column for the New York Times, she gives talks, she teaches classes. And she does research about the past, which is like... wizardry, basically.
posted by shield_maiden at 8:45 PM on June 8, 2017
From what I know, I don't think history could be any more different from engineering. Obviously being a professor of any kind is hard work, but I don't think most history professors would compare it to being a middle manager. When I say they're like wizards I mean that they write books about arcane topics that they basically invented themselves, and they make up new words all the time, and most people outside of academia have no idea what they do. My advisor, for example, has what I consider to be the ideal job. She writes books about her extremely specific topic, she writes a column for the New York Times, she gives talks, she teaches classes. And she does research about the past, which is like... wizardry, basically.
posted by shield_maiden at 8:45 PM on June 8, 2017
Response by poster: Do you like the environment of academe?
Hard to say. I don't know what the environment would be like somewhere else. The main thing I like about being in graduate school is that I get to spend a lot of time studying, and writing, and talking about history.
posted by shield_maiden at 8:50 PM on June 8, 2017
Hard to say. I don't know what the environment would be like somewhere else. The main thing I like about being in graduate school is that I get to spend a lot of time studying, and writing, and talking about history.
posted by shield_maiden at 8:50 PM on June 8, 2017
I think you'd find benefit in volunteering to help others, maybe doing in-home care, or anything similar. It would change your perspective, and personally I find helping other people rewarding and a thing that leads to a better life for myself. There are old people who just want help cutting the toe nails (I'm not quite there yet but can see it coming); there are people who need meals on wheels delivered. Really, doing service for other people is a great way to make friends and feel better about oneself.
If you still have four years to go in your studies that's a wonderful opportunity to try non-study stuff.
posted by anadem at 8:51 PM on June 8, 2017
If you still have four years to go in your studies that's a wonderful opportunity to try non-study stuff.
posted by anadem at 8:51 PM on June 8, 2017
[Sorry, I missed that you don't drive, so forget the meals-on-wheels, but go help others!]
posted by anadem at 8:54 PM on June 8, 2017
posted by anadem at 8:54 PM on June 8, 2017
The not-so-secret door into the bland-but-highly-tolerable world of office jobs is temping. To temp, all you need are a couple of decent, business casual outfits (which are easily thrifted) and a resume, which your school will help you start, and which the temp agency itself will most likely help you refine. At the time you apply, the agency will probably have a somewhat stable crew of temps that they trust, and who get the bulk of the assignments-- but as members of that crew drizzle off into permanent jobs, other people will get to take cracks at things. And as long as you are presentable, respectful, and give the impression of working hard, they will most assuredly grow to love you. Even if you are awkward. Even if you are blisteringly ignorant about office procedures when you start. Even if you secretly hate the work. Through temping, you'll get a chance to learn a little bit about a few dozen different kinds of businesses, and most likely, you'll also rack up a slew of permanent job offers.
But seriously, seriously: 23 is exactly the age for chasing impossible dreams. And right now, you are a dream-chaser with a stipend, which is enviable. So screw it: I say, just run after that possibly-imaginary academic job as hard as you can for as long as you can. When and if you decide you can't do that anymore, there'll be plenty of options for you.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 8:58 PM on June 8, 2017 [32 favorites]
But seriously, seriously: 23 is exactly the age for chasing impossible dreams. And right now, you are a dream-chaser with a stipend, which is enviable. So screw it: I say, just run after that possibly-imaginary academic job as hard as you can for as long as you can. When and if you decide you can't do that anymore, there'll be plenty of options for you.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 8:58 PM on June 8, 2017 [32 favorites]
I am a science academic myself, and definitely worried about my future job prospects at your age. In my subfield there is no industry to go work in. The older I got the more worried I got about a getting a prof job (until somehow I got very lucky this last year).
But along the way, during my second postdoc position, I had a housemate who was an English lit phd student. They had what I think is the best attitude towards being a grad student in a field with very few prof positions. They had five years of funding, and thus got to spend five years studying literature at a really deep level. they were young twenties like you, and figured they had time to take those five years and enjoy their opportunity to study their esoteric subject. And if someday they got to be one of the lucky few who got a prof job-- bonus! If not, they still got five funded years studying their passion.
So if history is your passion, then take the four years you have left and make the most of them. See if you can meet some graduates of your program who finished a couple years ago and find out what they are up to; many of the skills you learn in a phd are useful for other lines of work (not specific things like Latin, but more nebulous ones like "researching" or "dealing with primary sources" or "navigating bullshit dept politics" or "synthesizing many topics into one coherent work"). Sometimes it's the skills outside of your studies that are most useful-- e.g. If you get involved in the grad student union or if you organize a seminar series or if you mentor younger students, all of those are skills that are salable in the future.
Lastly as regards romance-- you mention that no one has been interested in you. (I doubt that, especially if you are a little clueless; it can be easy to miss). But more important is if you have ever been/are now interested in anyone. The answer may be no, or may be very rarely, and those are ok. People who don't want a sexual or romantic relationship exist and can be perfectly emotionally healthy.
posted by nat at 9:15 PM on June 8, 2017 [14 favorites]
But along the way, during my second postdoc position, I had a housemate who was an English lit phd student. They had what I think is the best attitude towards being a grad student in a field with very few prof positions. They had five years of funding, and thus got to spend five years studying literature at a really deep level. they were young twenties like you, and figured they had time to take those five years and enjoy their opportunity to study their esoteric subject. And if someday they got to be one of the lucky few who got a prof job-- bonus! If not, they still got five funded years studying their passion.
So if history is your passion, then take the four years you have left and make the most of them. See if you can meet some graduates of your program who finished a couple years ago and find out what they are up to; many of the skills you learn in a phd are useful for other lines of work (not specific things like Latin, but more nebulous ones like "researching" or "dealing with primary sources" or "navigating bullshit dept politics" or "synthesizing many topics into one coherent work"). Sometimes it's the skills outside of your studies that are most useful-- e.g. If you get involved in the grad student union or if you organize a seminar series or if you mentor younger students, all of those are skills that are salable in the future.
Lastly as regards romance-- you mention that no one has been interested in you. (I doubt that, especially if you are a little clueless; it can be easy to miss). But more important is if you have ever been/are now interested in anyone. The answer may be no, or may be very rarely, and those are ok. People who don't want a sexual or romantic relationship exist and can be perfectly emotionally healthy.
posted by nat at 9:15 PM on June 8, 2017 [14 favorites]
It's worth investing energy in confirming whether or not have you autism. If it turns out you do have it, you'll have a framework to start from, resources, maybe the chance to talk to other people working things out from a similar starting point who could share strategies. Whatever the cause of your social difficulties, I think it will be important to get support from someone positioned to help you very closely parse lots of different situations.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:57 PM on June 8, 2017
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:57 PM on June 8, 2017
A career is just a story about the options available to you and the choices you've made. Are there any activities you've gravitated toward? What skills did you develop?
I didn't know what I wanted to do as a career when I was in school, but I ran a lot of clubs in college and got a lot of communications experience. I spun that in interviews and would up getting a job at a university, where I worked on email marketing and websites. I loved the coding aspect, so I'm going back to school for an MS in CS now (with an eye towards snagging a higher paying dev job down the line). That's my career so far.
Go see career services. Not all schools' career services departments are good, but mine helped me with my resume, confidence, and interviewing practice.
I also read a shit ton of books on interviewing since I'm probably on the spectrum too and needed all the help I could get. They helped a lot!
Reading books (and obsessively reading AskMetafilter...) also helped me with dating and interpersonal communication.
P. S. I didn't go on a date or kiss anyone until I was 23! It's more common than you think. Loneliness sucks though, and I'm sorry you aren't connecting with the people you see regularly. Are there groups you could join? Could you find new roommates? Sometimes you just need to expand your social circle a little bit wider to find your kind of people.
posted by marfa, texas at 10:04 PM on June 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
I didn't know what I wanted to do as a career when I was in school, but I ran a lot of clubs in college and got a lot of communications experience. I spun that in interviews and would up getting a job at a university, where I worked on email marketing and websites. I loved the coding aspect, so I'm going back to school for an MS in CS now (with an eye towards snagging a higher paying dev job down the line). That's my career so far.
Go see career services. Not all schools' career services departments are good, but mine helped me with my resume, confidence, and interviewing practice.
I also read a shit ton of books on interviewing since I'm probably on the spectrum too and needed all the help I could get. They helped a lot!
Reading books (and obsessively reading AskMetafilter...) also helped me with dating and interpersonal communication.
P. S. I didn't go on a date or kiss anyone until I was 23! It's more common than you think. Loneliness sucks though, and I'm sorry you aren't connecting with the people you see regularly. Are there groups you could join? Could you find new roommates? Sometimes you just need to expand your social circle a little bit wider to find your kind of people.
posted by marfa, texas at 10:04 PM on June 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
Learn to drive. I did when I was 23 and you can, too. Get a beater car and drive it around. You'll feel better right away because it immediately frees you to do wildly more.
Get out of food service ASAP and work staff at the university. Apply to be a copyeditor or a proofreader. Then if you don't get to be a wizard, you can do that and adjunct teach one or two night classes at a community college, fulfilling the need to teach (if you have that) or you can wizard up books on your own time. I know for a fact universities hire proofreaders who are history students. Ours of the past two or three years is about to head out for grad school, and we are sad to lose her.
Temping: absolutely. It sucks and is demoralizing, but less so than restaurant work, plus you learn all the office. I learned medical transcription and scoping and receptionisting. Of these three, I think scoping may even still exist. It's really fun. (I think medical transcription became something they farm out that you have to get a certificate for plus your own equipment, which sucks because I loved that gig. I worked for a neurologist in a huge hospital in St Paul, typing my way through the blizzardy winter recording the travails of closed head injury patients, which now that I type it out sounds a little on the depressing side, but I liked it. I had another one in Pgh for a sleep lab. And about a million more, but those two stand out.)
posted by Don Pepino at 10:10 PM on June 8, 2017 [6 favorites]
Get out of food service ASAP and work staff at the university. Apply to be a copyeditor or a proofreader. Then if you don't get to be a wizard, you can do that and adjunct teach one or two night classes at a community college, fulfilling the need to teach (if you have that) or you can wizard up books on your own time. I know for a fact universities hire proofreaders who are history students. Ours of the past two or three years is about to head out for grad school, and we are sad to lose her.
Temping: absolutely. It sucks and is demoralizing, but less so than restaurant work, plus you learn all the office. I learned medical transcription and scoping and receptionisting. Of these three, I think scoping may even still exist. It's really fun. (I think medical transcription became something they farm out that you have to get a certificate for plus your own equipment, which sucks because I loved that gig. I worked for a neurologist in a huge hospital in St Paul, typing my way through the blizzardy winter recording the travails of closed head injury patients, which now that I type it out sounds a little on the depressing side, but I liked it. I had another one in Pgh for a sleep lab. And about a million more, but those two stand out.)
posted by Don Pepino at 10:10 PM on June 8, 2017 [6 favorites]
You may feel inspired and reassured if you read about some real-life alternate career paths for humanities grad students. There are a number of sites that feature Q&As with PhDs working outside the academy. Reading though those interviews will give you a better sense of the transferable skills you have, how to position yourself as a desirable candidate, what types of jobs to target, etc.
Try reading through the archives of From PhD to Life, Jobs on Toast, and Escape the Ivory Tower, to start. Those sites should provide plenty of other links to similar resources. You may also find the forums at Versatile PhD helpful, too.
posted by misspettigrew at 10:21 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Try reading through the archives of From PhD to Life, Jobs on Toast, and Escape the Ivory Tower, to start. Those sites should provide plenty of other links to similar resources. You may also find the forums at Versatile PhD helpful, too.
posted by misspettigrew at 10:21 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Jobs on campus may not pay enough for your situation, but if they're an option, they're good résumé-builders. Maybe walk by the offices of your university press, museum, or alumni magazine, look for journals homed at your university, and check out the student job board for random opportunities that might sound relevant to a future employer.
Many of those jobs are only for students who've got a work study allocation that makes them cheap to hire, but having been in the position of hiring students for a long time, I can tell you our (non-academic) department did hire students without work-study allocations and did appreciate walk-ins showing special interest in our work. You've got years in which to do this, so don't be dismayed if it doesn't work out right away--find out when your university's fiscal year begins and try again then, because that's when many departments are suddenly able to hire.
Also, since you're already working on the PhD and plainly have a high degree of patience for the material, don't completely give up on the prospects there. I realize things have only gotten tougher since my cohort in grad school lived under a similarly gloomy forecast, and we went down some odd and/or very underpaid paths. But the folks who kept at it cast wide nets and generally wound up with academic jobs--the catch is that very few work at R1/R2 universities and even fewer achieve the wizardry ideal you have in mind. So I think the folks who looked around for non-academic work made good choices too.
I have no advice about relationships, but with regard to friendships, bear in mind that the people in your department are just colleagues, and it's normal to engage with them that way rather than as close friends. If you have any time left over after school and work, you might look for a boardgaming group that will appreciate your knowledge of history (because so many games are historically-themed), or just some wargamer who's grateful for an opponent who'll read the rules and try playing out some famous battle or whatnot. It seems both related to your interests and relatively impersonal as a way to meet new people until you find some you like hanging out with.
posted by Wobbuffet at 10:24 PM on June 8, 2017
Many of those jobs are only for students who've got a work study allocation that makes them cheap to hire, but having been in the position of hiring students for a long time, I can tell you our (non-academic) department did hire students without work-study allocations and did appreciate walk-ins showing special interest in our work. You've got years in which to do this, so don't be dismayed if it doesn't work out right away--find out when your university's fiscal year begins and try again then, because that's when many departments are suddenly able to hire.
Also, since you're already working on the PhD and plainly have a high degree of patience for the material, don't completely give up on the prospects there. I realize things have only gotten tougher since my cohort in grad school lived under a similarly gloomy forecast, and we went down some odd and/or very underpaid paths. But the folks who kept at it cast wide nets and generally wound up with academic jobs--the catch is that very few work at R1/R2 universities and even fewer achieve the wizardry ideal you have in mind. So I think the folks who looked around for non-academic work made good choices too.
I have no advice about relationships, but with regard to friendships, bear in mind that the people in your department are just colleagues, and it's normal to engage with them that way rather than as close friends. If you have any time left over after school and work, you might look for a boardgaming group that will appreciate your knowledge of history (because so many games are historically-themed), or just some wargamer who's grateful for an opponent who'll read the rules and try playing out some famous battle or whatnot. It seems both related to your interests and relatively impersonal as a way to meet new people until you find some you like hanging out with.
posted by Wobbuffet at 10:24 PM on June 8, 2017
Academia is not the real world. When you're in it it feels like you have nothing else to offer and no hope except within the academia system. You feel this way because academia is a cult and they brainwash you by heaping pressure on you. I and every other grad student I know felt the same, that we needed academia, that we were no good and had.no hope.on the real world. it is a complete lie. People feel the same way in abusive relationships. The answer is QUIT. Don't spend four years of your life there in a dead end feeling like it is the whole world. Maybe take some time and be strategic about this but start thinking of your life post-academia. You don't née the system and it is gonna chew you up. it is not so bad in the real world. You can find a path.
posted by PercussivePaul at 10:25 PM on June 8, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by PercussivePaul at 10:25 PM on June 8, 2017 [6 favorites]
I've had to go through fifty interviews just to get a job washing dishes, how can I get an office job whenever I need to? Everyone I know struggles to get the kinds of jobs you describe, even people who are very good at interviewing. I know a woman with a degree in library science who is trying to get some sort of office job right now, and it seems almost impossible.
I concur that this is how trying to get an office job in academia goes these days, I have had the same issue. But maybe it doesn't work like that if you're applying outside of academia?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:37 PM on June 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I concur that this is how trying to get an office job in academia goes these days, I have had the same issue. But maybe it doesn't work like that if you're applying outside of academia?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:37 PM on June 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Honestly it breaks my heart to hear someone so smart put herself down this way. Academia sounds dreadful.
Look, I did office staffing for years. If you're reasonably intelligent and reasonably attractive and young and (most of all) even-tempered and responsible, you can absolutely get an ok office job of some sort. And you know what? You can read as much as you want to on your own time, outside of academia. There's a whole world of awesome, smart history books out there to read whenever you want, with no pressure to publish or conform to this year's fashionable theory or impress anyone with your dizzier-than-thou intellect.
How you do it: you look up office staffing agencies in your area. You go in. You don't talk about your dissertation or how much you really wanted to be a professor and how disappointed you are to not be one. You just say "hey, I can work hard, and keep track of a lot of complicated stuff, and I'm a good writer and I get along with people. I'd like a real-world job where I can use those skills. Can I be of use to you?" They'll test you out with a couple low-stakes things and once they've learned you're reliable, they'll get you a decent job.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:43 PM on June 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
Look, I did office staffing for years. If you're reasonably intelligent and reasonably attractive and young and (most of all) even-tempered and responsible, you can absolutely get an ok office job of some sort. And you know what? You can read as much as you want to on your own time, outside of academia. There's a whole world of awesome, smart history books out there to read whenever you want, with no pressure to publish or conform to this year's fashionable theory or impress anyone with your dizzier-than-thou intellect.
How you do it: you look up office staffing agencies in your area. You go in. You don't talk about your dissertation or how much you really wanted to be a professor and how disappointed you are to not be one. You just say "hey, I can work hard, and keep track of a lot of complicated stuff, and I'm a good writer and I get along with people. I'd like a real-world job where I can use those skills. Can I be of use to you?" They'll test you out with a couple low-stakes things and once they've learned you're reliable, they'll get you a decent job.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:43 PM on June 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
There's a line in a song that says "She's figured out [that] all her doubts were someone else's point of view." I've found that very helpful. You don't have to live a conventional life or do what you feel like you are supposed to do, or what other people consider normal or expected.
Since your interest is the life of the mind, I'm guessing you probably don't care about having expensive things or living in a nice place, which means you can probably survive financially by working at a restaurant. If that's the job that is doable for you, I don't think you have to force yourself to try to work at an office or do anything else that doesn't appeal to you, especially if that seems like it would be unbearable.
It sounds like there are many things you would continue to do that you find satisfying, like learning, reading, and exploring the world of ideas. They may not make you any money, but that's the kind of thing that makes life worthwhile, and that many people don't have.
I'm probably on the autism spectrum myself, though it's unconfirmed for me too. I have never really had friends, and I find reaching out to other people baffling. I have, however, had two wonderful boyfriends. It's actually easier to form a romantic relationship, because you don't have to be as subtle. If there's a woman that you like, just saying hello and smiling every time you see her, and coming up with some transparently obvious excuse to speak to her, will let her know that you are interested. It's okay to be awkward when wooing someone, in a way that is not okay if you are trying to make friends.
posted by Vispa Teresa at 11:06 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Since your interest is the life of the mind, I'm guessing you probably don't care about having expensive things or living in a nice place, which means you can probably survive financially by working at a restaurant. If that's the job that is doable for you, I don't think you have to force yourself to try to work at an office or do anything else that doesn't appeal to you, especially if that seems like it would be unbearable.
It sounds like there are many things you would continue to do that you find satisfying, like learning, reading, and exploring the world of ideas. They may not make you any money, but that's the kind of thing that makes life worthwhile, and that many people don't have.
I'm probably on the autism spectrum myself, though it's unconfirmed for me too. I have never really had friends, and I find reaching out to other people baffling. I have, however, had two wonderful boyfriends. It's actually easier to form a romantic relationship, because you don't have to be as subtle. If there's a woman that you like, just saying hello and smiling every time you see her, and coming up with some transparently obvious excuse to speak to her, will let her know that you are interested. It's okay to be awkward when wooing someone, in a way that is not okay if you are trying to make friends.
posted by Vispa Teresa at 11:06 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Academia is not the real world. When you're in it it feels like you have nothing else to offer and no hope except within the academia system. You feel this way because academia is a cult and they brainwash you by heaping pressure on you. I and every other grad student I know felt the same, that we needed academia, that we were no good and had.no hope.on the real world. it is a complete lie. People feel the same way in abusive relationships. The answer is QUIT. Don't spend four years of your life there in a dead end feeling like it is the whole world. Maybe take some time and be strategic about this but start thinking of your life post-academia. You don't née the system and it is gonna chew you up. it is not so bad in the real world. You can find a path.
I'm sorry you had such a bad experience but this isn't my experience at all. No one is abusing me or putting pressure on me. I love being in graduate school, that's why I'm so sad to have to leave. I'm sad because I will probably be forced to enter the "real world" and I don't want to at all. I would rather cherish the next four years I have here, even if it doesn't lead to any job, than be anywhere else for the next four years.
posted by shield_maiden at 11:06 PM on June 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
I'm sorry you had such a bad experience but this isn't my experience at all. No one is abusing me or putting pressure on me. I love being in graduate school, that's why I'm so sad to have to leave. I'm sad because I will probably be forced to enter the "real world" and I don't want to at all. I would rather cherish the next four years I have here, even if it doesn't lead to any job, than be anywhere else for the next four years.
posted by shield_maiden at 11:06 PM on June 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Lastly as regards romance-- you mention that no one has been interested in you. (I doubt that, especially if you are a little clueless; it can be easy to miss). But more important is if you have ever been/are now interested in anyone. The answer may be no, or may be very rarely, and those are ok. People who don't want a sexual or romantic relationship exist and can be perfectly emotionally healthy.
I really do want romance though! I want it so badly, I'm desperately lonely, and I've tried very hard to get anyone at all interested in me. I'm always trying online dating, I've tried approaching people in real life, but no luck. The reason I'm pretty sure no one has ever been interested in me is that no one has ever approached me or seemed interested in spending time with me. I try to show that I'm interested in other people, I make an effort to get to know them, but it's never worked.
posted by shield_maiden at 11:14 PM on June 8, 2017
I really do want romance though! I want it so badly, I'm desperately lonely, and I've tried very hard to get anyone at all interested in me. I'm always trying online dating, I've tried approaching people in real life, but no luck. The reason I'm pretty sure no one has ever been interested in me is that no one has ever approached me or seemed interested in spending time with me. I try to show that I'm interested in other people, I make an effort to get to know them, but it's never worked.
posted by shield_maiden at 11:14 PM on June 8, 2017
Where are you in your program? Specifically, are you pre- or post-orals/generals/qualifiers? The reason I ask is because if you are into your actual dissertation research and still enjoying it (it's quite a different experience than the classes-and-exams portion of the experience), then I think it's a pity not to chase your dream. Someone has to get that job, and you're better-positioned than most to give it a run. You have a stipend, so presumably you're not running up huge debt.
(I am made a little uneasy by your referring generally to your school being a "top ten history program." There is really no such thing, not in a way that matters for grad students. Either your advisor is one of the five profs with real pull in your specific field or she is not. The guy in the office down the hall is nearly, though not completely, irrelevant to your career. But I'm assuming you just spoke in shorthand there.)
I know it doesn't seem like it, but 27 is just a wee little baby. I myself quit humanities grad school at roughly that age and went to law school, and now have a career that, by objective standards in the field, at least, is quite respectable. If you find yourself "starting over" at that point, your life will not be ruined. And there are lots worse ways to spend your twenties than contemplating a subject you love.
A couple of specific points:
* Um, why are you working at a restaurant? Your university must have a zillion term-time jobs for students. Most of my cohort had support from family and/or spouses and didn't need to supplement their income, but I sure did, and it would never in a million years have occurred to me to wipe tables for sub-minimum wage. Even working in a library is less spirit-crushing.
* Romance: online dating. Unfortunately, there is no substitute for biting the bullet and doing it. Do it several times, give it a chance. You may get lucky. Or you may simply find that you don't enjoy it and aren't interested. That is also legitimate. But don't default out of it due to inertia or anxiety. Just give yourself the chance. You don't have to work out in theory how it will go. In fact, you can't. Each encounter is individual and unique. Just see what happens.
* There's a general sort of passivity to your approach (see points 1 and 2) that makes me want to echo the recommendation to seek more intensive psychological counseling. You sound detached from your own life, and fairly hopeless about it, in a way that suggests pervasive depression to me. But of course no Internet stranger can diagnose you.
posted by praemunire at 11:17 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
(I am made a little uneasy by your referring generally to your school being a "top ten history program." There is really no such thing, not in a way that matters for grad students. Either your advisor is one of the five profs with real pull in your specific field or she is not. The guy in the office down the hall is nearly, though not completely, irrelevant to your career. But I'm assuming you just spoke in shorthand there.)
I know it doesn't seem like it, but 27 is just a wee little baby. I myself quit humanities grad school at roughly that age and went to law school, and now have a career that, by objective standards in the field, at least, is quite respectable. If you find yourself "starting over" at that point, your life will not be ruined. And there are lots worse ways to spend your twenties than contemplating a subject you love.
A couple of specific points:
* Um, why are you working at a restaurant? Your university must have a zillion term-time jobs for students. Most of my cohort had support from family and/or spouses and didn't need to supplement their income, but I sure did, and it would never in a million years have occurred to me to wipe tables for sub-minimum wage. Even working in a library is less spirit-crushing.
* Romance: online dating. Unfortunately, there is no substitute for biting the bullet and doing it. Do it several times, give it a chance. You may get lucky. Or you may simply find that you don't enjoy it and aren't interested. That is also legitimate. But don't default out of it due to inertia or anxiety. Just give yourself the chance. You don't have to work out in theory how it will go. In fact, you can't. Each encounter is individual and unique. Just see what happens.
* There's a general sort of passivity to your approach (see points 1 and 2) that makes me want to echo the recommendation to seek more intensive psychological counseling. You sound detached from your own life, and fairly hopeless about it, in a way that suggests pervasive depression to me. But of course no Internet stranger can diagnose you.
posted by praemunire at 11:17 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Where are you in your program?
I am still just taking classes. I'm sure you're right that the later phases will be more difficult, but I can't imagine why I wouldn't enjoy them. I have never wanted to do anything else. Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't imagine there's anything I would want to do more.
Um, why are you working at a restaurant? Your university must have a zillion term-time jobs for students.
I applied to many jobs at the university, but I was rejected by all of them. I spent the entire semester applying to every single job I could think of, at the university, online, and with local businesses, until at the end of the semester I finally managed to get my current restaurant job. I'm doing it because it's the only place that would hire me after applying to literally over a hundred jobs.
Romance: online dating. Unfortunately, there is no substitute for biting the bullet and doing it. Do it several times, give it a chance. You may get lucky. Or you may simply find that you don't enjoy it and aren't interested. That is also legitimate. But don't default out of it due to inertia or anxiety. Just give yourself the chance. You don't have to work out in theory how it will go. In fact, you can't. Each encounter is individual and unique. Just see what happens.
I have been trying online dating for years. I have profiles on every major dating site. No one has ever agreed to go on a date with me. Once there was a girl I thought might really like me. We talked for months almost every day, but when we agreed to meet in real life, she changed her mind and stopped talking to me. I miss her so much, she was the closest thing I've ever had to a girlfriend and she made me so happy. But she doesn't want to talk to me, so I've been back to looking for someone else.
posted by shield_maiden at 11:34 PM on June 8, 2017
I am still just taking classes. I'm sure you're right that the later phases will be more difficult, but I can't imagine why I wouldn't enjoy them. I have never wanted to do anything else. Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't imagine there's anything I would want to do more.
Um, why are you working at a restaurant? Your university must have a zillion term-time jobs for students.
I applied to many jobs at the university, but I was rejected by all of them. I spent the entire semester applying to every single job I could think of, at the university, online, and with local businesses, until at the end of the semester I finally managed to get my current restaurant job. I'm doing it because it's the only place that would hire me after applying to literally over a hundred jobs.
Romance: online dating. Unfortunately, there is no substitute for biting the bullet and doing it. Do it several times, give it a chance. You may get lucky. Or you may simply find that you don't enjoy it and aren't interested. That is also legitimate. But don't default out of it due to inertia or anxiety. Just give yourself the chance. You don't have to work out in theory how it will go. In fact, you can't. Each encounter is individual and unique. Just see what happens.
I have been trying online dating for years. I have profiles on every major dating site. No one has ever agreed to go on a date with me. Once there was a girl I thought might really like me. We talked for months almost every day, but when we agreed to meet in real life, she changed her mind and stopped talking to me. I miss her so much, she was the closest thing I've ever had to a girlfriend and she made me so happy. But she doesn't want to talk to me, so I've been back to looking for someone else.
posted by shield_maiden at 11:34 PM on June 8, 2017
This may be total bullshit dating advice, but: try opening your dating profile to men (say you're bisexual/questioning but definitely check the interested-in-men box), and arrange to meet up in real life within 3 messages (an OKCupid statistic I think). I say men because you'll get more messages *from* other people that way, which might help with your passivity. And meet up quickly to avoid getting attached to someone who might end up flaking on you.
Some of those messages, especially if you haven't online dated as a "straight" woman before, are going to be gross or ungrammatical. Just ignore those. But if a guy sends you a reasonable message, don't rule him out just because you looked at his photo/profile and thought, meh. Go on a real-life date before you make a judgment call.
Basically, my advice is to advertise to men in online dating and go on first dates with as many non-crazy guys as you can, even if you don't think you're attracted to them. You will learn:
1) What dating is like
2) How important physical appearance is to your romantic/sexual chemistry
3) Whether you're attracted to men at all, or only to women
4) Hopefully more dating confidence via receiving messages (your gender allows you to be passive in heteronormative relationships, now is the time to take advantage of that)
After you've gotten sick of going on first dates with guys you're not into, go back and start reaching out to women again with dating experience and confidence in your lesbian identity. Or not; you might meet a guy you're into, or you might realize that you're more bisexual than lesbian.
posted by serelliya at 12:09 AM on June 9, 2017
Some of those messages, especially if you haven't online dated as a "straight" woman before, are going to be gross or ungrammatical. Just ignore those. But if a guy sends you a reasonable message, don't rule him out just because you looked at his photo/profile and thought, meh. Go on a real-life date before you make a judgment call.
Basically, my advice is to advertise to men in online dating and go on first dates with as many non-crazy guys as you can, even if you don't think you're attracted to them. You will learn:
1) What dating is like
2) How important physical appearance is to your romantic/sexual chemistry
3) Whether you're attracted to men at all, or only to women
4) Hopefully more dating confidence via receiving messages (your gender allows you to be passive in heteronormative relationships, now is the time to take advantage of that)
After you've gotten sick of going on first dates with guys you're not into, go back and start reaching out to women again with dating experience and confidence in your lesbian identity. Or not; you might meet a guy you're into, or you might realize that you're more bisexual than lesbian.
posted by serelliya at 12:09 AM on June 9, 2017
Hey OP,
I'm dropping off a quick suggestion as to how to think about applying and looking for jobs with another perspective.
I think that one of the reasons I'm writing vs just reading this is that I can see tiny bits of myself when I was early in graduate school, although an entirely different field. I too thought that I would *only* be happy in the academic world of (different field, biology), thought it was the greatest thing in the world in year 1 or 2 of grad school (when you are in classes, not yet doing research or having teaching duties), thought that I would fail at everything else and had an internal monologue of I suck at X, Y, Z, and saw nothing but boundaries (i.e. you can't get this, or that, will never succeed at list things you want here).
So one way I would encourage you to look at this with a different perspective is to ask yourself the question: How did you get where you are now? Also, what were the statistics of the people who applied vs got in? The reason you focus on that is instead of looking at everything in the fture with "I will fail at that and not succeed", is that you can look at what you did and how you beat the odds. My guess is that there were more applicants than people who got into (since it has a stipend) funded program. My guess is that you also applied to more than one school and had to do something in advance, whether it be write letters or finish an undergrad degree or do some research or whatever. But you probably beat the odds and got the 1 out of 9 positions to do what you wanted - study history for several years, and be paid to do it.
Even your acquiring a restaurant job is testament to this. 100 applications? That's incredible in my mind, but you kept on applying. You probably already realize this at some level. IF you want another job at a restaurant a year or two from now? Well now you have experience, know what they look for, how to apply, what type of questions they ask - my guess is next time you can apply for a handful of restaurant jobs and get offered one or a few of them.
tl;dr You already have succeeded against incredible odds to get what you want, more than once. There are some probabilities involved, you will learn along the way, and you will get better with each shot you take.
I honestly think that you should wait until you get further into your academic career to say whether this is what you want or not. Its easy to say you like research when you read about it all tied up and packaged in a lovely journal article, but you don't see the years of applying for grants, rejections, and years it took to get the research - you might not even want this at the end/or you might. But just take what you have right now and enjoy it.
I absolutely believe that if what you want is to be surrouned by research and think about it all day long there will and can be a place for you out there when you finish.If it isn't academia, what about working at a journal? Or think tank? OR museum exhibits related to history? You could take steps later to get closer to these things if you do want any of these things, whether it be working with your advisor and others on publications, or interning somewhere over the summer, etc.
I also endorse checking out Versatile.org - they have published email discussions with people who left academia and broke int other fields. Did they get the first and only job they applied to? No, but they got there - and some of them share the steps they took.
I plan to write you more ideas and things to think about when I have more ideas over the weekend - so check your email.
Good luck
posted by Wolfster at 3:27 AM on June 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
I'm dropping off a quick suggestion as to how to think about applying and looking for jobs with another perspective.
I think that one of the reasons I'm writing vs just reading this is that I can see tiny bits of myself when I was early in graduate school, although an entirely different field. I too thought that I would *only* be happy in the academic world of (different field, biology), thought it was the greatest thing in the world in year 1 or 2 of grad school (when you are in classes, not yet doing research or having teaching duties), thought that I would fail at everything else and had an internal monologue of I suck at X, Y, Z, and saw nothing but boundaries (i.e. you can't get this, or that, will never succeed at list things you want here).
So one way I would encourage you to look at this with a different perspective is to ask yourself the question: How did you get where you are now? Also, what were the statistics of the people who applied vs got in? The reason you focus on that is instead of looking at everything in the fture with "I will fail at that and not succeed", is that you can look at what you did and how you beat the odds. My guess is that there were more applicants than people who got into (since it has a stipend) funded program. My guess is that you also applied to more than one school and had to do something in advance, whether it be write letters or finish an undergrad degree or do some research or whatever. But you probably beat the odds and got the 1 out of 9 positions to do what you wanted - study history for several years, and be paid to do it.
Even your acquiring a restaurant job is testament to this. 100 applications? That's incredible in my mind, but you kept on applying. You probably already realize this at some level. IF you want another job at a restaurant a year or two from now? Well now you have experience, know what they look for, how to apply, what type of questions they ask - my guess is next time you can apply for a handful of restaurant jobs and get offered one or a few of them.
tl;dr You already have succeeded against incredible odds to get what you want, more than once. There are some probabilities involved, you will learn along the way, and you will get better with each shot you take.
I honestly think that you should wait until you get further into your academic career to say whether this is what you want or not. Its easy to say you like research when you read about it all tied up and packaged in a lovely journal article, but you don't see the years of applying for grants, rejections, and years it took to get the research - you might not even want this at the end/or you might. But just take what you have right now and enjoy it.
I absolutely believe that if what you want is to be surrouned by research and think about it all day long there will and can be a place for you out there when you finish.If it isn't academia, what about working at a journal? Or think tank? OR museum exhibits related to history? You could take steps later to get closer to these things if you do want any of these things, whether it be working with your advisor and others on publications, or interning somewhere over the summer, etc.
I also endorse checking out Versatile.org - they have published email discussions with people who left academia and broke int other fields. Did they get the first and only job they applied to? No, but they got there - and some of them share the steps they took.
I plan to write you more ideas and things to think about when I have more ideas over the weekend - so check your email.
Good luck
posted by Wolfster at 3:27 AM on June 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
One of my best friends is a tenured history prof and my father spent his whole life in academia and I am an English/Latin major Gen X dropout.
First, you don't have to solve this today. Some of the steps here, especially temping to start to build your experience, are good ones. But you are also allowed to enjoy this very short period of your life, pre-dissertation, where you love it. Congratulations! Many people never find that at all.
Second, I would really observe yourself here. What is it you love? History itself? Being an expert? Thinking deeply? The perceived lifestyle? The smell of old, varnished, hallways? Because all of these are available to you forever, trust me. If it's just history, you could become a tour guide or an ESL teacher or similar in the area of the world you want to study, make enough to live on, and research the rest of the time. If it's being an expert, in the business world there are lots of ways to do that and live in an "ivory tower" of analysis. If it's thinking, no one can ever stop you. I found a pretty modern marketing job for an organization housed in a building that smells like academia in part because -- no joke -- it smells like the best libraries.
Third, are you actually running away from something? Because the dichotomy here (restaurant work vs. rockstar history prof, forever) is striking. If so, what will probably help is falling in love with the world at large.
I would like to recommend you work to find a group activity that you love outside academia. Maybe it's hiking or mountain biking or volunteering or gaming or a preservation society or conservation group or dancing...but start to broaden your world just a little. You do have time and you don't needs the answers. You probably need better questions. Besides a partner and a dream job, what makes you happy?
posted by warriorqueen at 4:28 AM on June 9, 2017 [9 favorites]
First, you don't have to solve this today. Some of the steps here, especially temping to start to build your experience, are good ones. But you are also allowed to enjoy this very short period of your life, pre-dissertation, where you love it. Congratulations! Many people never find that at all.
Second, I would really observe yourself here. What is it you love? History itself? Being an expert? Thinking deeply? The perceived lifestyle? The smell of old, varnished, hallways? Because all of these are available to you forever, trust me. If it's just history, you could become a tour guide or an ESL teacher or similar in the area of the world you want to study, make enough to live on, and research the rest of the time. If it's being an expert, in the business world there are lots of ways to do that and live in an "ivory tower" of analysis. If it's thinking, no one can ever stop you. I found a pretty modern marketing job for an organization housed in a building that smells like academia in part because -- no joke -- it smells like the best libraries.
Third, are you actually running away from something? Because the dichotomy here (restaurant work vs. rockstar history prof, forever) is striking. If so, what will probably help is falling in love with the world at large.
I would like to recommend you work to find a group activity that you love outside academia. Maybe it's hiking or mountain biking or volunteering or gaming or a preservation society or conservation group or dancing...but start to broaden your world just a little. You do have time and you don't needs the answers. You probably need better questions. Besides a partner and a dream job, what makes you happy?
posted by warriorqueen at 4:28 AM on June 9, 2017 [9 favorites]
When I say they're like wizards I mean that they write books about arcane topics that they basically invented themselves, and they make up new words all the time, and most people outside of academia have no idea what they do.
I say this as someone with a PhD in cultural studies married to a professor at a reasonably prestigious British university: THIS ASSESSMENT IS WILDLY INACCURATE. The first step to breaking out of the deadlock you find yourself in is to take a step back and very clearly evaluate the role you actually want.
Full-time academic roles do exist, and there's nothing to say that you can't get one, but they don't just happen to you - you have to go out and aggressively pursue that route. To 'make it' as a career academic, you need to have a level of ruthless, single-minded drive (that I, frankly, find exhausting), combined with a knack for networking and strategic decision making. Once there, you'll find that a large, large, large chunk of your time is taken up by the care and feeding of grant applications, byzantine committee meetings, teaching, supervision work, conferences, workshops, you name it, leaving barely any time for the romanticized work of 'writing books about arcane topics.' The academics I know do not have weekends, they work literally constantly. It's a job that many like and enjoy, and there's a lot to recommend it, but it's not for everyone.
So you want to be a professor. That's good. Own it. Start to work on that now. What does it take? Start collecting job listings and looking at the criteria. Map out a plan for what it will take to become the kind of person who would get hired in that role. Do the groundwork. Go to conferences, and reach out to people you admire in your field and actually talk to them about their careers. Ask for advice. Make your plan as solid and concrete as you can. And think seriously about whether this is something you actually want. Take ability out of the equation - assume you'll be able to do it, but ask yourself if that's the kind of life for you.
And if it isn't, the next step is tougher. Grad school can fool you into thinking there's only One True Path, and the world outside of the university can seem murky and undefined, especially when you're only 23 (which is, trust me, SO SO YOUNG). Your next task is expanding your imagination about what possibilities are out there. Remove 'love' or 'passion' from the equation. 'Do what you love' is bullshit advice; instead, think in terms of what kind of career would allow you to contribute to the world and give you the kind of life you want. Talk to a career counsellor. Does your university have career fairs, even for undergrads? Go to them. Make a shortlist of four or five fields you might want to move into - teaching? Information architecture or UX (I've met quite a few people with history/archival research backgrounds who thrive in that kind of environment)? The film and TV industry (I just pulled that out of my ass because I know a history grad who works as a researcher for a large TV production company now)? Research them. Identify major players in the field, reach out to people for informational interviews (aka a casual chat over coffee), figure out what kind of skills you need to break in and decide how you're going to get them. You don't have to make any decisions right away, you're just expanding your imagination, adding more colours to your palette of possibilities.
And here's the magic thing about all this: you're in a really foggy, vague state at the moment. Making solid plans, making solid choices, and figuring out a concrete plan starts to make your life feel more, well, solid, and frankly more yours.
posted by nerdfish at 4:52 AM on June 9, 2017 [9 favorites]
I say this as someone with a PhD in cultural studies married to a professor at a reasonably prestigious British university: THIS ASSESSMENT IS WILDLY INACCURATE. The first step to breaking out of the deadlock you find yourself in is to take a step back and very clearly evaluate the role you actually want.
Full-time academic roles do exist, and there's nothing to say that you can't get one, but they don't just happen to you - you have to go out and aggressively pursue that route. To 'make it' as a career academic, you need to have a level of ruthless, single-minded drive (that I, frankly, find exhausting), combined with a knack for networking and strategic decision making. Once there, you'll find that a large, large, large chunk of your time is taken up by the care and feeding of grant applications, byzantine committee meetings, teaching, supervision work, conferences, workshops, you name it, leaving barely any time for the romanticized work of 'writing books about arcane topics.' The academics I know do not have weekends, they work literally constantly. It's a job that many like and enjoy, and there's a lot to recommend it, but it's not for everyone.
So you want to be a professor. That's good. Own it. Start to work on that now. What does it take? Start collecting job listings and looking at the criteria. Map out a plan for what it will take to become the kind of person who would get hired in that role. Do the groundwork. Go to conferences, and reach out to people you admire in your field and actually talk to them about their careers. Ask for advice. Make your plan as solid and concrete as you can. And think seriously about whether this is something you actually want. Take ability out of the equation - assume you'll be able to do it, but ask yourself if that's the kind of life for you.
And if it isn't, the next step is tougher. Grad school can fool you into thinking there's only One True Path, and the world outside of the university can seem murky and undefined, especially when you're only 23 (which is, trust me, SO SO YOUNG). Your next task is expanding your imagination about what possibilities are out there. Remove 'love' or 'passion' from the equation. 'Do what you love' is bullshit advice; instead, think in terms of what kind of career would allow you to contribute to the world and give you the kind of life you want. Talk to a career counsellor. Does your university have career fairs, even for undergrads? Go to them. Make a shortlist of four or five fields you might want to move into - teaching? Information architecture or UX (I've met quite a few people with history/archival research backgrounds who thrive in that kind of environment)? The film and TV industry (I just pulled that out of my ass because I know a history grad who works as a researcher for a large TV production company now)? Research them. Identify major players in the field, reach out to people for informational interviews (aka a casual chat over coffee), figure out what kind of skills you need to break in and decide how you're going to get them. You don't have to make any decisions right away, you're just expanding your imagination, adding more colours to your palette of possibilities.
And here's the magic thing about all this: you're in a really foggy, vague state at the moment. Making solid plans, making solid choices, and figuring out a concrete plan starts to make your life feel more, well, solid, and frankly more yours.
posted by nerdfish at 4:52 AM on June 9, 2017 [9 favorites]
Getting a PhD in any humanities subject means you have about a million job options, you just need to present yourself in certain ways to get them.
It is really easy to buy into the academia gospel that anything outside of academia is soul-sucking trash for plebes, but once you get out of that environment, trust me, there are LOTS of cool jobs where you still get to do research! You still get to write! You might even still get to teach! (And even if not, the old model of adjuncting, aka "having a full time job and occasionally teaching a single class at a nearby University" is totally still a thing, even though the majority of adjuncts are now members of the precariat hoping to break into full-time gigs.)
But, also, keep in mind that "it is hard to get a professor job" does not mean "no one gets those jobs". I went to a program that was nowhere near the top ten, but the majority of graduates from my program have professor jobs, many of them tenure-track. Giving up while you are still in coursework sounds like major catastrophizing to me. You have years and years to build up a CV, publish, make connections, go to conferences, and become a good to great candidate. Why are you tapping out before you've even started? Even if you do end up leaving, doing all of those things will make you more employable.
One more thing: it is EASY to get an alt-ac or non-academic job with a PhD if you go about it the right way, but none of your professors will know much about that process. You know why? Because they all became professors! When I told my dissertation chair I was thinking about applying to non-academic jobs, she was very supportive, but she admitted to me that she had no idea how to help me or what sort of jobs even existed. Why would she? It was the opposite of what her own career had been.
Most grad programs are garbage at teaching about options outside of academia by design-- doing so might inspire more people to leave. But the narrative of "there is only one way and only a chosen few may stride along this chosen path" is total fiction.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 5:39 AM on June 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
It is really easy to buy into the academia gospel that anything outside of academia is soul-sucking trash for plebes, but once you get out of that environment, trust me, there are LOTS of cool jobs where you still get to do research! You still get to write! You might even still get to teach! (And even if not, the old model of adjuncting, aka "having a full time job and occasionally teaching a single class at a nearby University" is totally still a thing, even though the majority of adjuncts are now members of the precariat hoping to break into full-time gigs.)
But, also, keep in mind that "it is hard to get a professor job" does not mean "no one gets those jobs". I went to a program that was nowhere near the top ten, but the majority of graduates from my program have professor jobs, many of them tenure-track. Giving up while you are still in coursework sounds like major catastrophizing to me. You have years and years to build up a CV, publish, make connections, go to conferences, and become a good to great candidate. Why are you tapping out before you've even started? Even if you do end up leaving, doing all of those things will make you more employable.
One more thing: it is EASY to get an alt-ac or non-academic job with a PhD if you go about it the right way, but none of your professors will know much about that process. You know why? Because they all became professors! When I told my dissertation chair I was thinking about applying to non-academic jobs, she was very supportive, but she admitted to me that she had no idea how to help me or what sort of jobs even existed. Why would she? It was the opposite of what her own career had been.
Most grad programs are garbage at teaching about options outside of academia by design-- doing so might inspire more people to leave. But the narrative of "there is only one way and only a chosen few may stride along this chosen path" is total fiction.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 5:39 AM on June 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
shield_maiden, I think you might actually be me from a parallel Earth. Just from reading your post, I think you sound like a really interesting person whom I would like to get to know better. (So, um, if you want to chat by me-mail... but be aware that I'm 42 and married already.)
I got a PhD in theoretical particle physics because it was what I absolutely loved. I loved the coursework and I loved the research even more. Professorial job prospects were also terrible, but I didn't really worry about that at the time. After graduating I worked in postdoc positions for 6 years (at two different institutions) and wound up landing a faculty job in a different country 12 years ago. I love it, even if parts of it sometimes drive me nuts. So my advice on the school/job side is to throw your heart into it as long as you still love it, and enjoy these next four years to the utmost. There's nothing wrong with assuming that you will wind up as a professor! You can always figure out other career options later if you need to.
I feel like I missed out on a lot of typical childhood experiences, and I'm afraid that I lack a lot of the necessary social skills. I spend plenty of time around people in my department, we go out to bars and things like that, but I don't feel like I know them at all. They seem like nice people but I find them very hard to read.
This struck such a chord. I've always had a hard time connecting with people. As a kid I had maybe one real friend, who was a lot like me. I do stuff with colleagues, and I enjoy it, but the relationships that I form in group settings are entirely superficial. For me, to start to get to know someone, I have to have long conversations one-on-one. Do any of your colleagues seem like a fascinating person whom you'd like to learn more about? Is there anyone working on an area in your discipline that you're really interested in and would like to delve into? That might be someone worth inviting out for a coffee or a walk in the park and having a long conversation about what each of you finds amazing about your discipline.
When I was a grad student I joined a story-reading group on campus -- we would get together each week and take turns reading books out loud. That's where I met my now-husband: at some point something clicked and I noticed him. I realized that I needed to get to know him better before projecting fantasies onto him, so I asked him out for a hike around campus. This was entirely driven by pheromones or hormones or something: I didn't perceive it as a big deal at the time, but I essentially asked him out on a date which is something I would never have done. (I was also a virgin and had never dated.) I think the keys here are (1) spending time doing things that you enjoy with people who are likely to be similar to you, and (2) if someone catches your interest, getting to know them one-on-one. At least for me, that's the only environment in which I can start to peel open my own personality.
A few other random things:
- It sounds like you might enjoy the Society for Creative Anachronism, if a group exists in your area. It might be a good way to meet other people like you.
- One future career option that I don't think anyone has mentioned yet is teaching high-school history -- if that interests you, it might be worth finding out what the job market is like in your jurisdiction and what other qualifications (if any) you would need.
- Never regret the amazing stuff you studied in undergrad! Those skills and experiences are what make you unique. Mind you, I'm personally loath to admit to those kinds of things in casual conversation, which does make it hard to discover other "weird" people like me.
- You can totally be a wizard!
- I still don't feel like a real adult. :)
posted by heatherlogan at 6:40 AM on June 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
I got a PhD in theoretical particle physics because it was what I absolutely loved. I loved the coursework and I loved the research even more. Professorial job prospects were also terrible, but I didn't really worry about that at the time. After graduating I worked in postdoc positions for 6 years (at two different institutions) and wound up landing a faculty job in a different country 12 years ago. I love it, even if parts of it sometimes drive me nuts. So my advice on the school/job side is to throw your heart into it as long as you still love it, and enjoy these next four years to the utmost. There's nothing wrong with assuming that you will wind up as a professor! You can always figure out other career options later if you need to.
I feel like I missed out on a lot of typical childhood experiences, and I'm afraid that I lack a lot of the necessary social skills. I spend plenty of time around people in my department, we go out to bars and things like that, but I don't feel like I know them at all. They seem like nice people but I find them very hard to read.
This struck such a chord. I've always had a hard time connecting with people. As a kid I had maybe one real friend, who was a lot like me. I do stuff with colleagues, and I enjoy it, but the relationships that I form in group settings are entirely superficial. For me, to start to get to know someone, I have to have long conversations one-on-one. Do any of your colleagues seem like a fascinating person whom you'd like to learn more about? Is there anyone working on an area in your discipline that you're really interested in and would like to delve into? That might be someone worth inviting out for a coffee or a walk in the park and having a long conversation about what each of you finds amazing about your discipline.
When I was a grad student I joined a story-reading group on campus -- we would get together each week and take turns reading books out loud. That's where I met my now-husband: at some point something clicked and I noticed him. I realized that I needed to get to know him better before projecting fantasies onto him, so I asked him out for a hike around campus. This was entirely driven by pheromones or hormones or something: I didn't perceive it as a big deal at the time, but I essentially asked him out on a date which is something I would never have done. (I was also a virgin and had never dated.) I think the keys here are (1) spending time doing things that you enjoy with people who are likely to be similar to you, and (2) if someone catches your interest, getting to know them one-on-one. At least for me, that's the only environment in which I can start to peel open my own personality.
A few other random things:
- It sounds like you might enjoy the Society for Creative Anachronism, if a group exists in your area. It might be a good way to meet other people like you.
- One future career option that I don't think anyone has mentioned yet is teaching high-school history -- if that interests you, it might be worth finding out what the job market is like in your jurisdiction and what other qualifications (if any) you would need.
- Never regret the amazing stuff you studied in undergrad! Those skills and experiences are what make you unique. Mind you, I'm personally loath to admit to those kinds of things in casual conversation, which does make it hard to discover other "weird" people like me.
- You can totally be a wizard!
- I still don't feel like a real adult. :)
posted by heatherlogan at 6:40 AM on June 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
I was thinking a lot about your question since you posted it. I'd like to gently suggest that you are actually in a very good place, career-wise. You are in a program that is highly ranked, with a stipend, which presumably means you had to undergo a competitive application process and beat out many other applicants (that is a huge success). What's more, you enjoy what you're doing now and the environment you're in (this is also huge). You want to be a history professor - now is the time to go for it. You have four years where your main focus can be your academic life! It is a time to stretch your legs - to do your research, talk to your professors and find out what their day-to-day lives are like, what they do and don't enjoy about academia, how they got to where they are. Talk to your fellow students, find out what their hopes and dreams are, what their areas of interest are. Go to conferences, read journals. Get involved in the life of your university.
Yes, it's hard to get a job in academia (or so I understand). But it's not...impossible. Universities exist around the country (and the world). They have history programs. They hire professors for those programs. Now is not the time to convince yourself that this is never going to happen.
My next suggestion would be, while you work on your main goal, to start exploring your secondary goals. The side hustle - do you like working in a restaurant? If you do, great! If you don't, still great that you have a paycheck while you look around at other jobs you could do! The blog "Ask A Manager" gets recommended here a lot, and it is a great place to start just to read about what types of jobs are out there, what they are like, etc. The comments section on that blog usually has a lot of worthwhile information and experiences as well (and many of the regular commenters are in academia or adjacent areas). I would also look at the alumni association for your university - that should give you a wealth of information about what recent grads are up to. As others have suggested, temp agencies are a good way to get some on the ground experience in offices. This is all information-gathering, not "I must find my One True Job Calling" - you have the time to look around you, pay attention, see what types of jobs or even what sectors you are drawn to, what seems to match with your skillset, etc.
My third and final suggestion is to give yourself a little space to do your hobbies that have nothing to do with your PhD. You mention drawing and writing fanfiction - those are great hobbies - any others? Do you like to walk, cook, play games, make crafts, etc? Try some things out. If they are solo hobbies, make yourself a space at home where you can work on them. If they can be done in a group, find a group that likes to meet up and do them. There is no goal for this - a hobby doesn't have to lead to a job or a partner or even friends and you don't have to get good at it (unless you want to!). The only goal is to Do The Thing and just break focus from academic life for a little bit.
posted by cpatterson at 7:35 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Yes, it's hard to get a job in academia (or so I understand). But it's not...impossible. Universities exist around the country (and the world). They have history programs. They hire professors for those programs. Now is not the time to convince yourself that this is never going to happen.
My next suggestion would be, while you work on your main goal, to start exploring your secondary goals. The side hustle - do you like working in a restaurant? If you do, great! If you don't, still great that you have a paycheck while you look around at other jobs you could do! The blog "Ask A Manager" gets recommended here a lot, and it is a great place to start just to read about what types of jobs are out there, what they are like, etc. The comments section on that blog usually has a lot of worthwhile information and experiences as well (and many of the regular commenters are in academia or adjacent areas). I would also look at the alumni association for your university - that should give you a wealth of information about what recent grads are up to. As others have suggested, temp agencies are a good way to get some on the ground experience in offices. This is all information-gathering, not "I must find my One True Job Calling" - you have the time to look around you, pay attention, see what types of jobs or even what sectors you are drawn to, what seems to match with your skillset, etc.
My third and final suggestion is to give yourself a little space to do your hobbies that have nothing to do with your PhD. You mention drawing and writing fanfiction - those are great hobbies - any others? Do you like to walk, cook, play games, make crafts, etc? Try some things out. If they are solo hobbies, make yourself a space at home where you can work on them. If they can be done in a group, find a group that likes to meet up and do them. There is no goal for this - a hobby doesn't have to lead to a job or a partner or even friends and you don't have to get good at it (unless you want to!). The only goal is to Do The Thing and just break focus from academic life for a little bit.
posted by cpatterson at 7:35 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your advice. I guess if it's really not that hard to find a job, then I don't have to worry so much about being completely broke. Probably I can find something to do, it's just very hard for me to imagine what that could be. I really hate tours and museums, I don't want to do anything like that. I guess what I want most is to be a writer of some kind. I want to write about history, because it's my favorite thing in the world.
The reason I posed the question the way I did is that I can imagine being okay with doing a job I don't care that much about if I had a fulfilling social life and a partner who cared about me, and I can imagine being okay with being alone if I had the job I really want, but both of these things seem unattainable. People in real life have advised me to lower my expectations on both fronts, in various ways. So I have been trying to imagine a life without either of these things, and it has me very depressed. I do think that never having close contact with anyone is negatively affecting my mental health. I've always wanted companionship and made some effort to find it, but it felt more like something I wanted than something I desperately needed. The longer I go without it, the more it feels like a terrible void in my life. I feel like I haven't developed properly, like even if someone suddenly wanted to have sex with me I wouldn't know what to do. I was so ready to lose my virginity when I was 18 or 19, but I've felt something in my brain change in the last few years. I've become much more risk averse and self conscious than I was as a teenager. I feel like the longer I go without any sexual experience the more daunting it becomes and the less ready for it I am.
Third, are you actually running away from something? Because the dichotomy here (restaurant work vs. rockstar history prof, forever) is striking. If so, what will probably help is falling in love with the world at large.
lol my father is a math professor, and his father was a physics professor, and my mother was a restaurant manager until she quit to be a stay at home mother. Maybe that's why I have trouble picturing adults doing anything else.
Full-time academic roles do exist, and there's nothing to say that you can't get one, but they don't just happen to you - you have to go out and aggressively pursue that route. To 'make it' as a career academic, you need to have a level of ruthless, single-minded drive (that I, frankly, find exhausting), combined with a knack for networking and strategic decision making .
I guess I got my impression of what being a professor is like from my father. He couldn't network or manage anything if his life depended on it, he just really loves math and teaching math and writing about math. He definitely works very hard, but it's doing something he loves. Maybe things were different when he entered academia, or maybe his situation is very atypical. Anyway, maybe I don't have what it takes after all. I want it more than anything, but I know that's not enough.
And think seriously about whether this is something you actually want. Take ability out of the equation - assume you'll be able to do it, but ask yourself if that's the kind of life for you.
I guess I'm not sure how to think about this. How can I tell if it's something I actually want? It's the only thing I've ever wanted. How can I tell if my desire is somehow fake?
...the majority of graduates from my program have professor jobs, many of them tenure-track. Giving up while you are still in coursework sounds like major catastrophizing to me. You have years and years to build up a CV, publish, make connections, go to conferences, and become a good to great candidate. Why are you tapping out before you've even started? Even if you do end up leaving, doing all of those things will make you more employable.
It's just treated as common knowledge among my peers that it's impossible to become a history professor and that almost none of us will ever be history professors no matter how hard we work or how much we want it. I would be extremely surprised and delighted to learn that this isn't the case.
posted by shield_maiden at 7:54 AM on June 9, 2017
The reason I posed the question the way I did is that I can imagine being okay with doing a job I don't care that much about if I had a fulfilling social life and a partner who cared about me, and I can imagine being okay with being alone if I had the job I really want, but both of these things seem unattainable. People in real life have advised me to lower my expectations on both fronts, in various ways. So I have been trying to imagine a life without either of these things, and it has me very depressed. I do think that never having close contact with anyone is negatively affecting my mental health. I've always wanted companionship and made some effort to find it, but it felt more like something I wanted than something I desperately needed. The longer I go without it, the more it feels like a terrible void in my life. I feel like I haven't developed properly, like even if someone suddenly wanted to have sex with me I wouldn't know what to do. I was so ready to lose my virginity when I was 18 or 19, but I've felt something in my brain change in the last few years. I've become much more risk averse and self conscious than I was as a teenager. I feel like the longer I go without any sexual experience the more daunting it becomes and the less ready for it I am.
Third, are you actually running away from something? Because the dichotomy here (restaurant work vs. rockstar history prof, forever) is striking. If so, what will probably help is falling in love with the world at large.
lol my father is a math professor, and his father was a physics professor, and my mother was a restaurant manager until she quit to be a stay at home mother. Maybe that's why I have trouble picturing adults doing anything else.
Full-time academic roles do exist, and there's nothing to say that you can't get one, but they don't just happen to you - you have to go out and aggressively pursue that route. To 'make it' as a career academic, you need to have a level of ruthless, single-minded drive (that I, frankly, find exhausting), combined with a knack for networking and strategic decision making .
I guess I got my impression of what being a professor is like from my father. He couldn't network or manage anything if his life depended on it, he just really loves math and teaching math and writing about math. He definitely works very hard, but it's doing something he loves. Maybe things were different when he entered academia, or maybe his situation is very atypical. Anyway, maybe I don't have what it takes after all. I want it more than anything, but I know that's not enough.
And think seriously about whether this is something you actually want. Take ability out of the equation - assume you'll be able to do it, but ask yourself if that's the kind of life for you.
I guess I'm not sure how to think about this. How can I tell if it's something I actually want? It's the only thing I've ever wanted. How can I tell if my desire is somehow fake?
...the majority of graduates from my program have professor jobs, many of them tenure-track. Giving up while you are still in coursework sounds like major catastrophizing to me. You have years and years to build up a CV, publish, make connections, go to conferences, and become a good to great candidate. Why are you tapping out before you've even started? Even if you do end up leaving, doing all of those things will make you more employable.
It's just treated as common knowledge among my peers that it's impossible to become a history professor and that almost none of us will ever be history professors no matter how hard we work or how much we want it. I would be extremely surprised and delighted to learn that this isn't the case.
posted by shield_maiden at 7:54 AM on June 9, 2017
It's just treated as common knowledge among my peers that it's impossible to become a history professor and that almost none of us will ever be history professors no matter how hard we work or how much we want it. I would be extremely surprised and delighted to learn that this isn't the case.
When people graduate your program, where do they go? Are they getting jobs as professors? If yes, then this sounds like you are misreading the collective impostor syndrome and pessimism that are endemic to academia in the humanities.
Literally all of my closest friends in academia talked CONSTANTLY about how there were no jobs available and none of them would ever get one, and all of those friends now have jobs. It's a way of coping with stress, not an accurate description of the field.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 8:11 AM on June 9, 2017 [6 favorites]
When people graduate your program, where do they go? Are they getting jobs as professors? If yes, then this sounds like you are misreading the collective impostor syndrome and pessimism that are endemic to academia in the humanities.
Literally all of my closest friends in academia talked CONSTANTLY about how there were no jobs available and none of them would ever get one, and all of those friends now have jobs. It's a way of coping with stress, not an accurate description of the field.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 8:11 AM on June 9, 2017 [6 favorites]
Your post really resonated with me. I have a PhD in sociology and when I started, all I wanted was to be a professor. By the time I finished, I really didn't want to be one and had to reinvent myself - I am now an IT project manager and really happy as this still allows me to use my research skills, learn all the time and best of all, as I work at a university, my ability to speak "academese" and pick things up really quickly is appreciated. I had no idea these jobs existed; what I am trying to say, it doesn't have to be history professor or nothing. You may benefit from having a look at Karen Kelsky's website http://theprofessorisin.com/ as she has a lot of useful advice for people trying to break into academia. The Chronicle of Higher Education forums are also a very good source. And I am not going to offer any false reassurance - people outside of academia don't really get how competitive the market is, and going for academic jobs could well be compared to trying to compete for roles in major Hollywood movies, yes, some people do get them but the competition is fierce. I hope you will be able to find more balance in your life so that it's not academia or bust, even if it takes you a while to get there.
posted by coffee_monster at 8:12 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by coffee_monster at 8:12 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
While seconding the comment above that it's worth pursuing whether or not you actually have autism, as your therapist suspects, I also wonder whether your therapist has mentioned depression or anxiety in any of these sessions.
It's just treated as common knowledge among my peers that it's impossible to become a history professor and that almost none of us will ever be history professors no matter how hard we work or how much we want it
This is not a thing that is meant to be taken literally; it is hyperbolic speech meant to give voice to a whole mass of vague frustrations and worries, with a grain of truth (it is very hard to become a full tenured professor nowadays) at its center. It is meant to express the extreme difficulty, and to calibrate expectations. That you have taken it very literally is what makes me think you and your therapist should further explore where you might be on the spectrum, or whether you have anxiety that needs management.
Apart from that, the reason everyone's saying "oh you're me [X] years ago" is because almost every scholarly person in their extremely early 20s is like you, in more than one way. I didn't go to grad school, so I got hit with this particular mindset at more like 20, but oh lord is it familiar. I didn't know what jobs there were, because my folks weren't great at having them, I had this subject that I loved more than anything, and then all of a sudden, what the fuck, I do NOT want to be a professor of it, holy shit do I not. And being a smart person, like yourself, who had always attained my goals, like yourself, it was VERY VERY DISORIENTING to suddenly realize that I was bailing on a goal. It was also disorienting that I could not "achieve" a relationship for myself.
But this disorientation passes; it's anxiety that makes you feel it will never pass and nothing will ever change. I did eventually puzzle out a job path for myself; it's imperfect but it allows me to do some of the things I enjoyed in school while actually paying my rent. And relationships happened as well, and continue to happen, but they happened on their own time and it was not always fun, no ma'am.
People who are telling you to lower your expectations may be dicks, I can't tell from here. Or they may simply be trying to brace you for the fact that life is hard, and people will often be lonely. Because it is, and people are. It is still worthwhile to try for the things you love and want; but try to shift your focus from the goal to the process.
There are a lot of kinds of lives out there. I know it can be hard to see it when your family all lives one or two ways, and if you haven't got a wide circle of acquaintance whose lives you can observe. It would be good to learn as much about the other kinds of lives as you can; but right now, you're in grad school, so be in grad school, and work toward the thing you want.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:22 AM on June 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
It's just treated as common knowledge among my peers that it's impossible to become a history professor and that almost none of us will ever be history professors no matter how hard we work or how much we want it
This is not a thing that is meant to be taken literally; it is hyperbolic speech meant to give voice to a whole mass of vague frustrations and worries, with a grain of truth (it is very hard to become a full tenured professor nowadays) at its center. It is meant to express the extreme difficulty, and to calibrate expectations. That you have taken it very literally is what makes me think you and your therapist should further explore where you might be on the spectrum, or whether you have anxiety that needs management.
Apart from that, the reason everyone's saying "oh you're me [X] years ago" is because almost every scholarly person in their extremely early 20s is like you, in more than one way. I didn't go to grad school, so I got hit with this particular mindset at more like 20, but oh lord is it familiar. I didn't know what jobs there were, because my folks weren't great at having them, I had this subject that I loved more than anything, and then all of a sudden, what the fuck, I do NOT want to be a professor of it, holy shit do I not. And being a smart person, like yourself, who had always attained my goals, like yourself, it was VERY VERY DISORIENTING to suddenly realize that I was bailing on a goal. It was also disorienting that I could not "achieve" a relationship for myself.
But this disorientation passes; it's anxiety that makes you feel it will never pass and nothing will ever change. I did eventually puzzle out a job path for myself; it's imperfect but it allows me to do some of the things I enjoyed in school while actually paying my rent. And relationships happened as well, and continue to happen, but they happened on their own time and it was not always fun, no ma'am.
People who are telling you to lower your expectations may be dicks, I can't tell from here. Or they may simply be trying to brace you for the fact that life is hard, and people will often be lonely. Because it is, and people are. It is still worthwhile to try for the things you love and want; but try to shift your focus from the goal to the process.
There are a lot of kinds of lives out there. I know it can be hard to see it when your family all lives one or two ways, and if you haven't got a wide circle of acquaintance whose lives you can observe. It would be good to learn as much about the other kinds of lives as you can; but right now, you're in grad school, so be in grad school, and work toward the thing you want.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:22 AM on June 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
How can I tell if it's something I actually want? It's the only thing I've ever wanted. How can I tell if my desire is somehow fake?
To put it bluntly, you're young, you're sheltered, and you're catastrophizing.
You haven't experienced enough of the world to know what you really want - like almost any other 23 year old. The trick is the majority of 23 year olds don't spend that period in grad school. They're out working crummy jobs, or boring office jobs, or highly-paid but crushing finance jobs, just generally getting flung around in the rock tumbler of life. The advantage of heading out into the rock tumbler is that you encounter so many different kinds of people and possibilities. Marfa, Texas phrases it beautifully - 'A career is just a story about the options available to you and the choices you've made.'
The trouble is that you're in grad school, and you're working in the same space that your parents did, and you're sticking to the familiar. And grad school can devour a whole chunk of your 20s before spitting you out into that rock tumbler without much in the way of experience or coping strategies.
This isn't to say that your desire to become an academic is invalid - you're just intuiting that you need to explore your options.
So explore. Leave the house, talk with people, spend tiem on your hobbies, learn to drive, get buzzed at parties and have long, strange conversations with strangers. All of your responses indicate a deep reticence to actually do the work of engaging with the world, which I get, but there's no way around it. Jump in, get tumbled, take a chance, and don't let your 20s burn away without actually experiencing anything new, weird, confusing, glorious, or painful.
posted by nerdfish at 8:33 AM on June 9, 2017 [13 favorites]
To put it bluntly, you're young, you're sheltered, and you're catastrophizing.
You haven't experienced enough of the world to know what you really want - like almost any other 23 year old. The trick is the majority of 23 year olds don't spend that period in grad school. They're out working crummy jobs, or boring office jobs, or highly-paid but crushing finance jobs, just generally getting flung around in the rock tumbler of life. The advantage of heading out into the rock tumbler is that you encounter so many different kinds of people and possibilities. Marfa, Texas phrases it beautifully - 'A career is just a story about the options available to you and the choices you've made.'
The trouble is that you're in grad school, and you're working in the same space that your parents did, and you're sticking to the familiar. And grad school can devour a whole chunk of your 20s before spitting you out into that rock tumbler without much in the way of experience or coping strategies.
This isn't to say that your desire to become an academic is invalid - you're just intuiting that you need to explore your options.
So explore. Leave the house, talk with people, spend tiem on your hobbies, learn to drive, get buzzed at parties and have long, strange conversations with strangers. All of your responses indicate a deep reticence to actually do the work of engaging with the world, which I get, but there's no way around it. Jump in, get tumbled, take a chance, and don't let your 20s burn away without actually experiencing anything new, weird, confusing, glorious, or painful.
posted by nerdfish at 8:33 AM on June 9, 2017 [13 favorites]
I only have a couple of thoughts, but to answer the question as written in the header, I'd say: the best way to set attainable goals is to set goals that are specific, concrete, ideally quantifiable, and cumulative. I know, easier said than done. But it does sound like you're aiming for some really big-picture goals, and it might be helpful to break them down into smaller steps. I'd look at:
1. The job piece
2. The social skills piece (I'm lumping friendship/socialization/romance all together here)
For #1, I'd say: for now, say that your goal is become a professor. You may or may not reach that goal, but just go ahead and own that it's your goal for now. (It is not literally true that zero people become history professors. It is true that it is often an extremely challenging path, but it is not the case that absolutely nobody manages it.) That's a goal that you already have some help in breaking down into smaller steps, because many people before you have done it already. Read The Professor Is In's blog or book to learn about how to succeed through grad school and job-hunting. Read relevant articles and the job-hunting fora in The Chronicle of Higher Ed. Ask your professors if you can meet with them one-on-one to hear what their jobs are like to make sure you have a realistic sense of what they do, and to ask them how you can become a stronger job candidate. Ask for specific steps to follow. This way, you'll be accumulating a list of clear, workable steps that you can then work on putting into action.
For #2: You're already seeing a therapist. Yay! They think you might be on the autism spectrum. That's very helpful to know! I would set the goal in this area at: getting serious about autism screening and management. I don't know a lot about this because the autistic people I know were diagnosed in childhood, so I can't pretend I know much about doing it in adulthood. But I do know there are steps to take beyond getting an unconfirmed speculative diagnosis from one person. So find out from your therapist or another mental health professional what the next steps should be, and follow those. If you find out you aren't autistic but just struggle with social skills (that's me), you can find therapists who focus specifically on building that skill set, and I recommend you do that. Building those skills will help you feel more comfortable meeting new acquaintances and making friends (eventually...I'm not saying it'll happen next week), and as you become more socially confident it will become easier to think about dating as well. But I'd shelve that for now as a down-the-road goal, and focus on the simpler steps that come first for now.
I actually have trouble with goal-setting myself, so I know this all sounds easier than it is, but it's good to at least try it. Maybe look up some worksheets about SMART goals if you haven't done that already, and see if you can find a therapist whose practice focuses on goal-setting if you don't think your current therapist can help with that.
Hope this novel helps. Good luck!
posted by honey wheat at 8:42 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
1. The job piece
2. The social skills piece (I'm lumping friendship/socialization/romance all together here)
For #1, I'd say: for now, say that your goal is become a professor. You may or may not reach that goal, but just go ahead and own that it's your goal for now. (It is not literally true that zero people become history professors. It is true that it is often an extremely challenging path, but it is not the case that absolutely nobody manages it.) That's a goal that you already have some help in breaking down into smaller steps, because many people before you have done it already. Read The Professor Is In's blog or book to learn about how to succeed through grad school and job-hunting. Read relevant articles and the job-hunting fora in The Chronicle of Higher Ed. Ask your professors if you can meet with them one-on-one to hear what their jobs are like to make sure you have a realistic sense of what they do, and to ask them how you can become a stronger job candidate. Ask for specific steps to follow. This way, you'll be accumulating a list of clear, workable steps that you can then work on putting into action.
For #2: You're already seeing a therapist. Yay! They think you might be on the autism spectrum. That's very helpful to know! I would set the goal in this area at: getting serious about autism screening and management. I don't know a lot about this because the autistic people I know were diagnosed in childhood, so I can't pretend I know much about doing it in adulthood. But I do know there are steps to take beyond getting an unconfirmed speculative diagnosis from one person. So find out from your therapist or another mental health professional what the next steps should be, and follow those. If you find out you aren't autistic but just struggle with social skills (that's me), you can find therapists who focus specifically on building that skill set, and I recommend you do that. Building those skills will help you feel more comfortable meeting new acquaintances and making friends (eventually...I'm not saying it'll happen next week), and as you become more socially confident it will become easier to think about dating as well. But I'd shelve that for now as a down-the-road goal, and focus on the simpler steps that come first for now.
I actually have trouble with goal-setting myself, so I know this all sounds easier than it is, but it's good to at least try it. Maybe look up some worksheets about SMART goals if you haven't done that already, and see if you can find a therapist whose practice focuses on goal-setting if you don't think your current therapist can help with that.
Hope this novel helps. Good luck!
posted by honey wheat at 8:42 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Oh, and I sent you a MeMail, also.
posted by honey wheat at 8:42 AM on June 9, 2017
posted by honey wheat at 8:42 AM on June 9, 2017
"I feel like I haven't developed properly, like even if someone suddenly wanted to have sex with me I wouldn't know what to do."
It's not that you "haven't developed properly," it's that, because you're only 23, and despite what you may believe, that's a baby, you haven't developed, full stop. Of course you wouldn't know what to do--nobody knows what to do until they've done it a few times. Why would you know what to do? If you got into the driver's seat of a car right now, would you know what to do?
Your problem is that you're swallowing the line that it's weird that you haven't developed, yet. Well, it isn't. It is not weird. At 15 when everybody else was getting learner's permits and playing spin-the-bottle at scary drunkparties, you were preparing to do what you love. You don't have experience that many people have because you pursued your actual interests instead of going after what TV says you're supposed to go out and get, ready or not, when you're still basically an infant. That is not bad. That is good.
Cut to now. Now you are interested in getting the experiences that are actually more appropriate to the age you are than to the age when most people get those terrifying, varsity-level experiences. I don't think people should be allowed to drive 'til they're 25, and sex should probably wait 'til then, too. It's all way too dangerous for children. Now that you're a mostly grown child, though, you can take on these new adventures.
It is absolutely normal and sensible to be the age you are and just starting out on these very adult things.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:56 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
It's not that you "haven't developed properly," it's that, because you're only 23, and despite what you may believe, that's a baby, you haven't developed, full stop. Of course you wouldn't know what to do--nobody knows what to do until they've done it a few times. Why would you know what to do? If you got into the driver's seat of a car right now, would you know what to do?
Your problem is that you're swallowing the line that it's weird that you haven't developed, yet. Well, it isn't. It is not weird. At 15 when everybody else was getting learner's permits and playing spin-the-bottle at scary drunkparties, you were preparing to do what you love. You don't have experience that many people have because you pursued your actual interests instead of going after what TV says you're supposed to go out and get, ready or not, when you're still basically an infant. That is not bad. That is good.
Cut to now. Now you are interested in getting the experiences that are actually more appropriate to the age you are than to the age when most people get those terrifying, varsity-level experiences. I don't think people should be allowed to drive 'til they're 25, and sex should probably wait 'til then, too. It's all way too dangerous for children. Now that you're a mostly grown child, though, you can take on these new adventures.
It is absolutely normal and sensible to be the age you are and just starting out on these very adult things.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:56 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Once there was a girl I thought might really like me. We talked for months almost every day
This is a relatively minor point in the grand scheme of things, and you may already know it, but: if you are going to continue online dating, do not do this again. If you've exchanged a few engaging messages with someone (several at most), try to meet them in person. If they are not interested in doing that, forget about it. The point of online dating is to actually meet people. Chatting over messenger, even if you're baring your soul, doesn't count.
posted by breakin' the law at 8:59 AM on June 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
This is a relatively minor point in the grand scheme of things, and you may already know it, but: if you are going to continue online dating, do not do this again. If you've exchanged a few engaging messages with someone (several at most), try to meet them in person. If they are not interested in doing that, forget about it. The point of online dating is to actually meet people. Chatting over messenger, even if you're baring your soul, doesn't count.
posted by breakin' the law at 8:59 AM on June 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
Why be a history professor when you can be a historian. Like Sarah Vowell, perhaps. Or maybe work for Ken Burns.
posted by SemiSalt at 9:05 AM on June 9, 2017
posted by SemiSalt at 9:05 AM on June 9, 2017
If you want to first get a PhD in the humanities, then land a non-academic job, the advice book for you is "So What Are You Going to Do with That?": Finding Careers Outside Academia.
But it sounds like what you really want is a job as a professor. The professorial job market in history varies wildly from field to field. Job prospects in ancient and medieval history are poor. Job prospects in modern history are much better. So, if you can focus on a modern area for your dissertation, it would be wise. That may be hard to do at this point, depending on your department, if you have already declared yourself to be an ancient specialist, or whatever other niche.
I am writing as a professor in the humanities who has served on hiring committees. It is quite possible to get a tenure-track job in history, but your chances are vastly improved if you meet these criteria before applying for those jobs:
(1) Have presented your research at a conference. It is fine if this is a graduate-student symposium.
(2) Have published at least one peer-reviewed article. It is fine if this is in a second-tier journal. Note that the process of writing to publishing can take several years in history, so you should start developing a publishable article now.
(3) Have taught a college-level class as "instructor of record." This means that you were the person responsible for grading a submitting the information to the registrar's office. It is not generally sufficient to have only been a TA. If your university does not offer grad students the opportunity to be an instructor of record, then you should strive to have taught at lease one class adjunct at another school.
(4) Be able to articulate in your cover letter that you are a good "fit" for the job. In practice, this means that you can teach in areas that are different from your dissertation research. In history, it tends to mean that you can teach introductory classes, seminars related to the area of your dissertation that are only a appropriate for a history major, and history classes that can count toward a multidisciplinary area that may be at the school, such as environmental studies, gender studies, American studies, Jewish studies, or whatever.
Meeting those 4 criteria is essential for your application to be advanced to serious consideration. Why? It means that you have been socialized into the culture of academia, and that you are likely to succeed in the position.
You describe history professors as working on "arcane" topics. That is not something that I would advise you to do until after you have tenure. Unless you are applying for a job at a large research university, the hiring committee will likely consist of professors from across the humanities and social sciences. Similarly, the committee that decides if you get tenure will not likely be made up of historians. Arcane topics will not appeal to such committees. What is important is being able to make your research and teaching interesting to a general audience of intellectuals. This often means playing up the multidisciplinary fields that I mentioned in "fit" above. If you are applying for a job at a large research university, the hiring committee is likely to be all historians, but what they want to see is that your research is important enough to impact the discipline as a whole, not just be interesting to others in your field.
Lastly, I would like to point out something that should be obvious about job searches in the humanities, but which grad students often do not understand. To get a tenure-track job as a history professor, your chances will be much improved if you are willing to undertake a national job search, rather than restricting yourself to a specific geographic area. This includes the jobs in what many people consider to be less desirable areas, such as remote, rural, areas of the country. Jobs in major metropolitan areas are the most competitive.
posted by mortaddams at 9:41 AM on June 9, 2017 [9 favorites]
But it sounds like what you really want is a job as a professor. The professorial job market in history varies wildly from field to field. Job prospects in ancient and medieval history are poor. Job prospects in modern history are much better. So, if you can focus on a modern area for your dissertation, it would be wise. That may be hard to do at this point, depending on your department, if you have already declared yourself to be an ancient specialist, or whatever other niche.
I am writing as a professor in the humanities who has served on hiring committees. It is quite possible to get a tenure-track job in history, but your chances are vastly improved if you meet these criteria before applying for those jobs:
(1) Have presented your research at a conference. It is fine if this is a graduate-student symposium.
(2) Have published at least one peer-reviewed article. It is fine if this is in a second-tier journal. Note that the process of writing to publishing can take several years in history, so you should start developing a publishable article now.
(3) Have taught a college-level class as "instructor of record." This means that you were the person responsible for grading a submitting the information to the registrar's office. It is not generally sufficient to have only been a TA. If your university does not offer grad students the opportunity to be an instructor of record, then you should strive to have taught at lease one class adjunct at another school.
(4) Be able to articulate in your cover letter that you are a good "fit" for the job. In practice, this means that you can teach in areas that are different from your dissertation research. In history, it tends to mean that you can teach introductory classes, seminars related to the area of your dissertation that are only a appropriate for a history major, and history classes that can count toward a multidisciplinary area that may be at the school, such as environmental studies, gender studies, American studies, Jewish studies, or whatever.
Meeting those 4 criteria is essential for your application to be advanced to serious consideration. Why? It means that you have been socialized into the culture of academia, and that you are likely to succeed in the position.
You describe history professors as working on "arcane" topics. That is not something that I would advise you to do until after you have tenure. Unless you are applying for a job at a large research university, the hiring committee will likely consist of professors from across the humanities and social sciences. Similarly, the committee that decides if you get tenure will not likely be made up of historians. Arcane topics will not appeal to such committees. What is important is being able to make your research and teaching interesting to a general audience of intellectuals. This often means playing up the multidisciplinary fields that I mentioned in "fit" above. If you are applying for a job at a large research university, the hiring committee is likely to be all historians, but what they want to see is that your research is important enough to impact the discipline as a whole, not just be interesting to others in your field.
Lastly, I would like to point out something that should be obvious about job searches in the humanities, but which grad students often do not understand. To get a tenure-track job as a history professor, your chances will be much improved if you are willing to undertake a national job search, rather than restricting yourself to a specific geographic area. This includes the jobs in what many people consider to be less desirable areas, such as remote, rural, areas of the country. Jobs in major metropolitan areas are the most competitive.
posted by mortaddams at 9:41 AM on June 9, 2017 [9 favorites]
I applied to many jobs at the university, but I was rejected by all of them. I spent the entire semester applying to every single job I could think of, at the university, online, and with local businesses, until at the end of the semester I finally managed to get my current restaurant job. I'm doing it because it's the only place that would hire me after applying to literally over a hundred jobs.
So, this combined with your discussion of the complete nonexistence of dating and friendships in your life, makes me suspect something that is hard to say without sounding unkind. I don't say it to imply that you are unlovable, a bad person, or permanently broken. In fact, I say it as someone who was a pretty damn weird kid herself in grad school. But it does sound to me very much like your self-presentation is of such a kind that you are coming off to the normally socialized/neurotypical eye as if there is something quite wrong with you, to the point that people are reluctant to commit to more intensive social interactions with you. Maybe it's a reflection of autism. Maybe it's something else. (These standards are always higher for women, anyway.) But if you're managing to put off people who normally hire university weirdos all the time, and if you're conventionally attractive and never even get approached...something is going on that is raising the hackles of the people around you in a consistent way.
I think you need to get into more serious therapy with someone who is able to work on social skills with you. Starting from the basics: is your grooming consistent with the standards of those around you? Do you dress appropriately for the situations you're in? And up from there. The good news is that most of this stuff can be learned and/or faked, at least sufficiently to bring you to a level of reasonably normal human interaction. Much of it is quite arbitrary, simply a code to master, and much of the rest of it is understandable and extrapolatable once you at least know, if not necessarily understand, the reactions certain behaviors may elicit in certain people. Some of it is just dumb and random, but there will always be other people who find it dumb and random, too. You don't have to insist on getting a formal diagnosis if you don't like the idea in order to do this, but I do think you should do this. Fortunately, it sounds like you are already pretty brave, which is essential to this process. Good luck!
posted by praemunire at 10:11 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
So, this combined with your discussion of the complete nonexistence of dating and friendships in your life, makes me suspect something that is hard to say without sounding unkind. I don't say it to imply that you are unlovable, a bad person, or permanently broken. In fact, I say it as someone who was a pretty damn weird kid herself in grad school. But it does sound to me very much like your self-presentation is of such a kind that you are coming off to the normally socialized/neurotypical eye as if there is something quite wrong with you, to the point that people are reluctant to commit to more intensive social interactions with you. Maybe it's a reflection of autism. Maybe it's something else. (These standards are always higher for women, anyway.) But if you're managing to put off people who normally hire university weirdos all the time, and if you're conventionally attractive and never even get approached...something is going on that is raising the hackles of the people around you in a consistent way.
I think you need to get into more serious therapy with someone who is able to work on social skills with you. Starting from the basics: is your grooming consistent with the standards of those around you? Do you dress appropriately for the situations you're in? And up from there. The good news is that most of this stuff can be learned and/or faked, at least sufficiently to bring you to a level of reasonably normal human interaction. Much of it is quite arbitrary, simply a code to master, and much of the rest of it is understandable and extrapolatable once you at least know, if not necessarily understand, the reactions certain behaviors may elicit in certain people. Some of it is just dumb and random, but there will always be other people who find it dumb and random, too. You don't have to insist on getting a formal diagnosis if you don't like the idea in order to do this, but I do think you should do this. Fortunately, it sounds like you are already pretty brave, which is essential to this process. Good luck!
posted by praemunire at 10:11 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you to everyone again. I feel a little bit better now. I think I was very upset when I wrote the original post because I've been feeling so lonely, so maybe some of the things I said were extreme.
So explore. Leave the house, talk with people, spend tiem on your hobbies, learn to drive, get buzzed at parties and have long, strange conversations with strangers. All of your responses indicate a deep reticence to actually do the work of engaging with the world, which I get, but there's no way around it. Jump in, get tumbled, take a chance, and don't let your 20s burn away without actually experiencing anything new, weird, confusing, glorious, or painful.
Technically I do have a driver's license, but the test I took was a joke and I don't think I can actually drive. I tried to learn between the ages of 16 and 20, took the test when I was 21, and then never drove again. Maybe I could learn if I had access to a car, but it seems pointless when I can just bike or take the bus everywhere. I was just throwing that out there, but my interest in driving is actually very low.
As for the other things you mention: When people say things like "put yourself out there" I have no idea what they're talking about. I go to parties, I go out to lunch with people, I go to the gym, I travel, I make gifts for people, I do all my work at outdoor coffee shops, I try to be as friendly as I can, I've tried every online dating service I've heard of. I keep getting this same sort of advice, and I keep trying my best to follow it, and it keeps not working. I don't mean to be difficult, I'm just very frustrated and I don't know what I should change. I'm not shy, I talk to people a lot. But when does the part come where you actually know someone? When do people actually understand you and care about you? I always get advice about how to meet people (go to a coffee house, join a club, ask someone to have lunch with you) but I meet people all the time. What I can't figure out is how to make one of the people I'm meeting into my friend.
I should say that I think a lot of the reason I have such trouble making friends is that I had such a terrible experience in middle and high school. I went to a very large public high school, with a pseudo prison atmosphere, the kind with metal detectors and 24/7 armed police. People left notes saying shit like "fucking dyke" in my locker, and I was generally excluded for being unfeminine and uncool. I got terrible grades, I skipped class constantly, I got in tons of fights. Now that I'm surrounded by people who seem nice and aren't trying to get in a fist fight with me, it's obviously a much better environment for making friends. I just feel like I don't have the skills that many other people developed as teenagers, because the skills I was learning were how to fight, how to lie to my parents and teachers, how to shoplift, and how to skip class without getting caught.
But it does sound to me very much like your self-presentation is of such a kind that you are coming off to the normally socialized/neurotypical eye as if there is something quite wrong with you, to the point that people are reluctant to commit to more intensive social interactions with you.
People say I'm very serious, and a lot of people probably find me boring and annoying, but I also don't think it's as extreme as what you're saying. Maybe I portrayed it as more extreme because I was upset. I would say my grooming is good, my look is pretty unassuming and basic. I guess I can't be an objective judge, but I think I look okay: not smiling / smiling. People don't hate me or anything, they just think I'm "intense." I could definitely stand to improve my social skills, but the problem is not that I can't meet anyone or get anyone to talk to me at all. I have plenty of acquaintances and people who sort of like me I guess, or might be my friend. What I struggle with is forming a real connection with anyone. I don't feel like I really understand the people around me. I go out with people, I go to people's houses sometimes, we talk about all sorts of things. For all I know, some of the people in my department do consider me their friend. But we certainly aren't close friends, and I still feel extremely lonely. Maybe I'm expecting too much, or thinking about it the wrong way.
I think I'm much more nervous and inhibited when it comes to seeking romance. I've asked people on dates in person a few times before, but I was rejected. Maybe online dating is the right way to go, and I just need to do it differently. It's very discouraging because I send so many messages to people and I almost never get a reply, but that could just be the nature of online dating, I'm not sure.
I'm going to go over everyone's responses again and try to pick out the key ideas. You have all given me a lot to think about, and I really appreciate it.
posted by shield_maiden at 1:03 PM on June 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
So explore. Leave the house, talk with people, spend tiem on your hobbies, learn to drive, get buzzed at parties and have long, strange conversations with strangers. All of your responses indicate a deep reticence to actually do the work of engaging with the world, which I get, but there's no way around it. Jump in, get tumbled, take a chance, and don't let your 20s burn away without actually experiencing anything new, weird, confusing, glorious, or painful.
Technically I do have a driver's license, but the test I took was a joke and I don't think I can actually drive. I tried to learn between the ages of 16 and 20, took the test when I was 21, and then never drove again. Maybe I could learn if I had access to a car, but it seems pointless when I can just bike or take the bus everywhere. I was just throwing that out there, but my interest in driving is actually very low.
As for the other things you mention: When people say things like "put yourself out there" I have no idea what they're talking about. I go to parties, I go out to lunch with people, I go to the gym, I travel, I make gifts for people, I do all my work at outdoor coffee shops, I try to be as friendly as I can, I've tried every online dating service I've heard of. I keep getting this same sort of advice, and I keep trying my best to follow it, and it keeps not working. I don't mean to be difficult, I'm just very frustrated and I don't know what I should change. I'm not shy, I talk to people a lot. But when does the part come where you actually know someone? When do people actually understand you and care about you? I always get advice about how to meet people (go to a coffee house, join a club, ask someone to have lunch with you) but I meet people all the time. What I can't figure out is how to make one of the people I'm meeting into my friend.
I should say that I think a lot of the reason I have such trouble making friends is that I had such a terrible experience in middle and high school. I went to a very large public high school, with a pseudo prison atmosphere, the kind with metal detectors and 24/7 armed police. People left notes saying shit like "fucking dyke" in my locker, and I was generally excluded for being unfeminine and uncool. I got terrible grades, I skipped class constantly, I got in tons of fights. Now that I'm surrounded by people who seem nice and aren't trying to get in a fist fight with me, it's obviously a much better environment for making friends. I just feel like I don't have the skills that many other people developed as teenagers, because the skills I was learning were how to fight, how to lie to my parents and teachers, how to shoplift, and how to skip class without getting caught.
But it does sound to me very much like your self-presentation is of such a kind that you are coming off to the normally socialized/neurotypical eye as if there is something quite wrong with you, to the point that people are reluctant to commit to more intensive social interactions with you.
People say I'm very serious, and a lot of people probably find me boring and annoying, but I also don't think it's as extreme as what you're saying. Maybe I portrayed it as more extreme because I was upset. I would say my grooming is good, my look is pretty unassuming and basic. I guess I can't be an objective judge, but I think I look okay: not smiling / smiling. People don't hate me or anything, they just think I'm "intense." I could definitely stand to improve my social skills, but the problem is not that I can't meet anyone or get anyone to talk to me at all. I have plenty of acquaintances and people who sort of like me I guess, or might be my friend. What I struggle with is forming a real connection with anyone. I don't feel like I really understand the people around me. I go out with people, I go to people's houses sometimes, we talk about all sorts of things. For all I know, some of the people in my department do consider me their friend. But we certainly aren't close friends, and I still feel extremely lonely. Maybe I'm expecting too much, or thinking about it the wrong way.
I think I'm much more nervous and inhibited when it comes to seeking romance. I've asked people on dates in person a few times before, but I was rejected. Maybe online dating is the right way to go, and I just need to do it differently. It's very discouraging because I send so many messages to people and I almost never get a reply, but that could just be the nature of online dating, I'm not sure.
I'm going to go over everyone's responses again and try to pick out the key ideas. You have all given me a lot to think about, and I really appreciate it.
posted by shield_maiden at 1:03 PM on June 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
The way you differentiate 'friends' and 'acquaintances' reminded me of this Judge John Hodgman podcast: Amicus Grief. Give it a listen, it might give you more ideas to chew on.
posted by needled at 1:51 PM on June 9, 2017
posted by needled at 1:51 PM on June 9, 2017
Just FYI, online dating inevitably involves a lot of non-successes. You get to the date faster than offline (usually) because everyone there is explicitly there to do just that, but then they haven't already been through the filter of the getting-to-know-you process (or the mutual friend approval for setups), so it's a lot easier for it to be a dud even though everyone is perfectly nice and has the best intentions. It really is a numbers game.
Your pics certainly look normal to me (as a straight woman, I would actually say, perfectly cute), and it sounds like maybe you were slightly overstating the direness of your social situation earlier on because you were feeling down, but it still seems like you're experiencing a degree of rejection/being held off that's above average. So I still suspect raising the issue of social skills with a therapist might be helpful to you. τυχὴ ἀγαθὴ!
posted by praemunire at 2:03 PM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Your pics certainly look normal to me (as a straight woman, I would actually say, perfectly cute), and it sounds like maybe you were slightly overstating the direness of your social situation earlier on because you were feeling down, but it still seems like you're experiencing a degree of rejection/being held off that's above average. So I still suspect raising the issue of social skills with a therapist might be helpful to you. τυχὴ ἀγαθὴ!
posted by praemunire at 2:03 PM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Do you have a way to meet people you know online in person, or a way to share longform online writing with people you've met in person? Writing is a genuine way to build intimacy, and you might as well lead with one of your strengths-- but if you're lonely for offline social connection, you need a way to connect through writing that isn't siloed.
Livejournal c. 2000 was great for this, but these days maybe you need tumblr or special Facebook communities or subreddits or what-have-you. (Metafilter is an excellent community but not really designed for ongoing back-and-forth discussion about one person's feelings.)
posted by yarntheory at 4:14 AM on June 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
Livejournal c. 2000 was great for this, but these days maybe you need tumblr or special Facebook communities or subreddits or what-have-you. (Metafilter is an excellent community but not really designed for ongoing back-and-forth discussion about one person's feelings.)
posted by yarntheory at 4:14 AM on June 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
Your comments about people saying you're very serious, and that you struggle with forming a real connection with anyone, made me think that the following may be relevant for you. This is something I learned only recently from a Craft elder, and I haven't fully digested it yet myself, but here goes.
Each person interacts with others through a collection of "personae". The persona that one adopts (like a mask, almost, I think) depends on the situation: you'd put on one persona while interacting with restaurant customers, another one with your professors, a third (maybe) with your fellow students, etc. This is totally normal and healthy.
I guess where the lack of connection can come in is when there's too big a gap between the persona that you use when interacting with would-be friends and your true core self. For example, if there are aspects of your self that you want to keep hidden in a certain set of relationships -- maybe for good reasons -- it could create the feeling in you that "they'll never know me deep inside". If this makes any sense, it could be a way to think about the situation, and a thing to work on: tweaking the persona that you use when interacting with the people you consider potential friends and bringing it a little closer in to your inner self. (I've heard that the hiding of a key part of one's self can be soul-crushing for closeted people -- not meaning to say you're closeted necessarily.)
I liked yarntheory's comment about long-form writing (email? letters?) being a way to build intimacy with people you know in person -- it may be a safe and controlled way to explore the revealing of new parts of your background, if you go that route.
posted by heatherlogan at 5:10 AM on June 10, 2017
Each person interacts with others through a collection of "personae". The persona that one adopts (like a mask, almost, I think) depends on the situation: you'd put on one persona while interacting with restaurant customers, another one with your professors, a third (maybe) with your fellow students, etc. This is totally normal and healthy.
I guess where the lack of connection can come in is when there's too big a gap between the persona that you use when interacting with would-be friends and your true core self. For example, if there are aspects of your self that you want to keep hidden in a certain set of relationships -- maybe for good reasons -- it could create the feeling in you that "they'll never know me deep inside". If this makes any sense, it could be a way to think about the situation, and a thing to work on: tweaking the persona that you use when interacting with the people you consider potential friends and bringing it a little closer in to your inner self. (I've heard that the hiding of a key part of one's self can be soul-crushing for closeted people -- not meaning to say you're closeted necessarily.)
I liked yarntheory's comment about long-form writing (email? letters?) being a way to build intimacy with people you know in person -- it may be a safe and controlled way to explore the revealing of new parts of your background, if you go that route.
posted by heatherlogan at 5:10 AM on June 10, 2017
Just chiming in to be a data point that it's possible to get a writing-focused office job as a non-driving, socially awkward person with an educational background in humanities rather than a specific degree in English (DC area in this case, which has decent public transportation and a pretty good job market).
It wasn't particularly quick or easy, and I believe I went to about 30 in-person interviews and sent 3x that many applications before landing the first general office job, which eventually was used as a jumping-off point for a writing job. The high return on resumes and low return on interviews suggested to me that I looked good on paper but was bombing out on impressing people face to face -- I never radically changed myself to compensate for that, just focused on preparation and persistence and eventually stumbled into a case where it wasn't a dealbreaker. Smaller companies tend to be less professional and more impulsive about hiring, so I think with start-ups and other smaller operations you can sometimes get around some of the "interview rules" you see circulating around the internet about how you need to have a specific personality type and presentation to be hired.
Writing about history (or any topic of particular interest to you) might be a taller order, but I would hope that you might find that most topics can grow on you if you have the chance to delve into them enough.
As a compromise between the cold corporate world and academia, maybe you could look into nonprofit organizations with inspiring missions that are about improving the world in some way rather than just improving the efficiency of some particular business interest. http://idealistcareers.org/ is a search engine devoted to these.
posted by space snail at 11:58 AM on June 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
It wasn't particularly quick or easy, and I believe I went to about 30 in-person interviews and sent 3x that many applications before landing the first general office job, which eventually was used as a jumping-off point for a writing job. The high return on resumes and low return on interviews suggested to me that I looked good on paper but was bombing out on impressing people face to face -- I never radically changed myself to compensate for that, just focused on preparation and persistence and eventually stumbled into a case where it wasn't a dealbreaker. Smaller companies tend to be less professional and more impulsive about hiring, so I think with start-ups and other smaller operations you can sometimes get around some of the "interview rules" you see circulating around the internet about how you need to have a specific personality type and presentation to be hired.
Writing about history (or any topic of particular interest to you) might be a taller order, but I would hope that you might find that most topics can grow on you if you have the chance to delve into them enough.
As a compromise between the cold corporate world and academia, maybe you could look into nonprofit organizations with inspiring missions that are about improving the world in some way rather than just improving the efficiency of some particular business interest. http://idealistcareers.org/ is a search engine devoted to these.
posted by space snail at 11:58 AM on June 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
I second the recommendation to look into the Society for Creative Anachronism. They're more welcoming of odd people than most social groups (you'll need to vice versa as well), and your interest in history also makes them promising.
Other groups that lean nerdy/bookish might also be good. You saw heatherlogan mention her reading-aloud group. Is there a Shakespeare group on campus?
I thought heatherlogan's post was very good. There's only one you, but there are others like you.
What I struggle with is forming a real connection with anyone. I don't feel like I really understand the people around me. I go out with people, I go to people's houses sometimes, we talk about all sorts of things. For all I know, some of the people in my department do consider me their friend. But we certainly aren't close friends, and I still feel extremely lonely. Maybe I'm expecting too much, or thinking about it the wrong way.
This might be worth a separate Ask. What are you doing to take things from acquaintance to real friend? Example stories where you hoped for X but ended up at Y might help.
It will be easier to make a real friend out of someone who is a little bit lonely + weird themselves.
I agree with the other advice to avoid online romance. If you find a romantic prospect online, meet up in real life as soon as is reasonable.
Can't advise much on the career--academia would be the bottom of my own list, but you are quite clear about where you want to be. My general advice would be: think ahead, prepare in advance, try to have multiple options on deck, and be willing to think outside the box.
My condolences on your unhappiness. I was lonely and lost through most of my 20s also. Hurts a lot. Most of us find our way to happier places eventually. I'm pretty sure you will too, as unfathomable as that may seem right now.
posted by mattu at 2:05 PM on June 10, 2017
Other groups that lean nerdy/bookish might also be good. You saw heatherlogan mention her reading-aloud group. Is there a Shakespeare group on campus?
I thought heatherlogan's post was very good. There's only one you, but there are others like you.
What I struggle with is forming a real connection with anyone. I don't feel like I really understand the people around me. I go out with people, I go to people's houses sometimes, we talk about all sorts of things. For all I know, some of the people in my department do consider me their friend. But we certainly aren't close friends, and I still feel extremely lonely. Maybe I'm expecting too much, or thinking about it the wrong way.
This might be worth a separate Ask. What are you doing to take things from acquaintance to real friend? Example stories where you hoped for X but ended up at Y might help.
It will be easier to make a real friend out of someone who is a little bit lonely + weird themselves.
I agree with the other advice to avoid online romance. If you find a romantic prospect online, meet up in real life as soon as is reasonable.
Can't advise much on the career--academia would be the bottom of my own list, but you are quite clear about where you want to be. My general advice would be: think ahead, prepare in advance, try to have multiple options on deck, and be willing to think outside the box.
My condolences on your unhappiness. I was lonely and lost through most of my 20s also. Hurts a lot. Most of us find our way to happier places eventually. I'm pretty sure you will too, as unfathomable as that may seem right now.
posted by mattu at 2:05 PM on June 10, 2017
We have a lot in common. I'm in in my early 30s and went to grad school in my 20s. Grad school was a lonely time.
What's generally worked for me (for platonic friendships) is to invest heavily in a few people that I click with and seem to be interested in being friends with me, even if they don't seem like "perfect" fits in terms of their interests, values, or ages. No friend is going to be a perfect soulmate, anyway -- they just need to be warm, caring people who you can have good conversations or activities with, and are reliable enough to call on if you need.
Sometimes these people find you, and sometimes you need to go out and look for them, which means following up individually after you've met someone you like in a group, say, or having longer conversations with your neighbors or people you meet in cafes.
Do little favors if the opportunities come up, listen, and take an interest in them as people rather than worrying about yourself or whether it's leading somewhere. Be relaxed and make small talk at the beginning, even if it feels fake -- the more authentic conversations will follow when they let their guard down.
Conversely, don't waste time on people if you don't feel any connection after a first meeting.
FWIW, your pictures and description make you seem like the kind of person I'd love to be friends with, as a straight woman.
posted by redlines at 5:18 PM on June 10, 2017
What's generally worked for me (for platonic friendships) is to invest heavily in a few people that I click with and seem to be interested in being friends with me, even if they don't seem like "perfect" fits in terms of their interests, values, or ages. No friend is going to be a perfect soulmate, anyway -- they just need to be warm, caring people who you can have good conversations or activities with, and are reliable enough to call on if you need.
Sometimes these people find you, and sometimes you need to go out and look for them, which means following up individually after you've met someone you like in a group, say, or having longer conversations with your neighbors or people you meet in cafes.
Do little favors if the opportunities come up, listen, and take an interest in them as people rather than worrying about yourself or whether it's leading somewhere. Be relaxed and make small talk at the beginning, even if it feels fake -- the more authentic conversations will follow when they let their guard down.
Conversely, don't waste time on people if you don't feel any connection after a first meeting.
FWIW, your pictures and description make you seem like the kind of person I'd love to be friends with, as a straight woman.
posted by redlines at 5:18 PM on June 10, 2017
I should also say that friendships got easier for me after 25, and they're always easier when I'm in places where I'm happy and not frustrated with work. I disliked my grad program and I was too stressed to worry about making friends -- though I did have a couple of roommate and an office-mate that I sort of bonded with over shared misery, and we're still okay friends now. I've generally liked my workplaces besides grad school, and founds friendships coming much easier.
Would recommend finding roommates who are interested in being friends from the start. You can generally figure that out on the first meeting. About 75% of people just want a co-rent-payer (unfortunately), but the rest may be open to at least some degree of friendship. You may also have luck in co-op housing, if that's available, where a shared community is explicitly part of the contract (and as a bonus, offers cheaper rents that will free up some of your working time).
posted by redlines at 5:29 PM on June 10, 2017
Would recommend finding roommates who are interested in being friends from the start. You can generally figure that out on the first meeting. About 75% of people just want a co-rent-payer (unfortunately), but the rest may be open to at least some degree of friendship. You may also have luck in co-op housing, if that's available, where a shared community is explicitly part of the contract (and as a bonus, offers cheaper rents that will free up some of your working time).
posted by redlines at 5:29 PM on June 10, 2017
This may be total bullshit dating advice, but: try opening your dating profile to men (say you're bisexual/questioning but definitely check the interested-in-men box), and arrange to meet up in real life within 3 messages (an OKCupid statistic I think). I say men because you'll get more messages *from* other people that way, which might help with your passivity. And meet up quickly to avoid getting attached to someone who might end up flaking on you.
To be honest, I personally think this is very unwise advice. If you're not attracted to men, please don't force yourself to date them or even meet up with them as friends through dating sites.
There are lots of places to meet women- meetup.com might have groups nearby for lesbian / bi women. If you're on Facebook try searching for you city and lesbian / bisexual, as there will probably be a local group. These sort of groups are very low key and not focused on dating- but many people find partners this way.
posted by daybeforetheday at 12:53 AM on June 11, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
One thing in your post stuck out to me -- "[being a professor] is more like being a wizard." You're relatively early in your program, it sounds like, but I'd encourage you to watch what your mentors and instructors actually do, and talk with them about it, if you are able to. If your field is anything like mine is (Ph.D dropout from an engineering-aligned field here, now working as staff in a university lab in a mostly-unrelated field), you'll find that being a professor is less like being a wizard and more like being a middle manager who also has to write tons of grant applications. It's a lot of hard work. Some people really love it. I personally couldn't stand it, so now I get paid real working-stiff wages to do the stuff profs don't have time to do anyway, which is the part of grad school I actually enjoyed! Your journey may not be exactly like mine but there's totally life out there beyond academia, and the working world ain't all bad.
If you take stock of what you've learned through your career in history, I bet you'll find there are a lot of skills that might map to roles in the non-academic (or academic-support) world. I have a liberal arts degree and I use those knowledge and skills nearly constantly in my work, even though on paper I get paid to write code and manage coders.
If it's any consolation, I was where you were, and learning more about what's out there helped me get out of a bad situation and into a place I'm really quite happy in. (I dropped out, but I don't think you should! Figure out what will get you from where you are now to a good place, and work on making that happen!)
posted by Alterscape at 8:05 PM on June 8, 2017 [4 favorites]