My sister has essentially abandoned her children. What do we do now?
June 6, 2018 4:43 PM Subscribe
Roughly 10 days ago, after being evicted from her apartment, my sister left her three children in the care of their grandparents (my parents). My sister is a single mother of three kids (aged 11, 8, and 2). She technically has full-custody of all of the kids, although the older two spend two weekends a month with their father. The youngest's father is not in the picture. This is in Texas.
More details beyond the jump...
Although my parents opened up their home to my sister as well as the kids, my sister refuses to stay in their home simply because she doesn't get along with them. She is supposedly staying with a female friend and trying to find new housing for herself and the kids.
My sister has not visited her children or called to check in on them at all during this time. My parents are not sure if she has been going to work nor do they have an idea as to when she may contact them again. She gave them no timeline with regard to when she would have a new apartment. They are worried that if they call to inquire about these things that she will come and take the kids...with or without stable housing in place and without a way of them knowing that the kids are safe. My sister is definitely dealing with mental illness (borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression) and has a history of prescription drug abuse; my parents also have reason to believe she is using again.
I have advised them to discuss this situation with a lawyer first and then possibly contact Child Protective Services to see what options are advisable in this situation. The main objective here is to ensure that the kids remain in a safe, stable environment. In an ideal world, my sister would step up, get her life together, and provide this for them (with my parents continued support, obviously), but her recent actions indicate an ambivalence/aversion to doing so.
I suppose my question is this: What other options should my parents be considering at this point? Are there actions they should/should not be taking? They feel completely at a loss and since I'm currently living in California, it's not currently possible for me to assist them with the day-to-day realities of the situation. Any advise is appreciated.
Although my parents opened up their home to my sister as well as the kids, my sister refuses to stay in their home simply because she doesn't get along with them. She is supposedly staying with a female friend and trying to find new housing for herself and the kids.
My sister has not visited her children or called to check in on them at all during this time. My parents are not sure if she has been going to work nor do they have an idea as to when she may contact them again. She gave them no timeline with regard to when she would have a new apartment. They are worried that if they call to inquire about these things that she will come and take the kids...with or without stable housing in place and without a way of them knowing that the kids are safe. My sister is definitely dealing with mental illness (borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression) and has a history of prescription drug abuse; my parents also have reason to believe she is using again.
I have advised them to discuss this situation with a lawyer first and then possibly contact Child Protective Services to see what options are advisable in this situation. The main objective here is to ensure that the kids remain in a safe, stable environment. In an ideal world, my sister would step up, get her life together, and provide this for them (with my parents continued support, obviously), but her recent actions indicate an ambivalence/aversion to doing so.
I suppose my question is this: What other options should my parents be considering at this point? Are there actions they should/should not be taking? They feel completely at a loss and since I'm currently living in California, it's not currently possible for me to assist them with the day-to-day realities of the situation. Any advise is appreciated.
They need a good lawyer, for them, for the children, for your sister, for everyone's sake. A lawyer alongside a counselor specializing in drug abuse impact in families--one for the practicalities and realities, the other for long term strategy and immediate messaging help to avoid provoking her--could help make sure that she feels safe and supported.
The best solution might be a system that keeps lines of communication open while giving her time and space, with the understanding your parents can't let the kids go live with someone who forgets about them for ten days.
That last part is hopefully part of the packaging where the counselor can sensitively help with messaging, especially to try to avoid your sister feeling shamed, maligned, reproached, when everything in your posts suggests she really isn't in a place to deal with a lot of negative emotions and self-hatred.
It does sound like she's using and it sounds like she might be homeless sometimes. Maybe a counselor can help approach her in a way that focuses on the practicalities. The kids need to be in school in the fall, and the year is almost over. They need to get through the few days that are left (in Texas school might be out?) and have a summer plan. Kids need a plan--they really, really need to feel like 'where I'm living in July' isn't a question. They can't sleep outside, or 'at a friend's house'.
She likely knows all this, but maybe this could be *easier* if it was presented as a thing that she already knows -- I mean, for one thing, she's not currently sleeping with the kids on the street. She did find a safe place for them. She did leave them, which must have been extremely painful, especially if she's not thinking straight. Reminding her that she has *already* acted in their best interest, even at her personal cost, might be a good place to encourage her to start seeing herself as a good mom.
She left her kids with people who would keep them safe.
If all of this is totally unrealistic, counseling, at least a single session, with someone who can talk about managing complicated custody situations with addicts, would maybe offer more support to your parents and help them fill in the path going forward?
posted by A Terrible Llama at 5:09 PM on June 6, 2018 [12 favorites]
The best solution might be a system that keeps lines of communication open while giving her time and space, with the understanding your parents can't let the kids go live with someone who forgets about them for ten days.
That last part is hopefully part of the packaging where the counselor can sensitively help with messaging, especially to try to avoid your sister feeling shamed, maligned, reproached, when everything in your posts suggests she really isn't in a place to deal with a lot of negative emotions and self-hatred.
It does sound like she's using and it sounds like she might be homeless sometimes. Maybe a counselor can help approach her in a way that focuses on the practicalities. The kids need to be in school in the fall, and the year is almost over. They need to get through the few days that are left (in Texas school might be out?) and have a summer plan. Kids need a plan--they really, really need to feel like 'where I'm living in July' isn't a question. They can't sleep outside, or 'at a friend's house'.
She likely knows all this, but maybe this could be *easier* if it was presented as a thing that she already knows -- I mean, for one thing, she's not currently sleeping with the kids on the street. She did find a safe place for them. She did leave them, which must have been extremely painful, especially if she's not thinking straight. Reminding her that she has *already* acted in their best interest, even at her personal cost, might be a good place to encourage her to start seeing herself as a good mom.
She left her kids with people who would keep them safe.
If all of this is totally unrealistic, counseling, at least a single session, with someone who can talk about managing complicated custody situations with addicts, would maybe offer more support to your parents and help them fill in the path going forward?
posted by A Terrible Llama at 5:09 PM on June 6, 2018 [12 favorites]
Rather than your folks, can you call her job, or her friend, to see if she's at least still in the area?
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:11 PM on June 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:11 PM on June 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
I do not know the budget available, but legal advice is necessary. You do not want social services taking the children away, and if the father(s) are not stepping up on their own at this point without your family's prodding, there is a landmine of potential problems here. Legal advice gives your parents options.
There are services and organizations for grandparents who find themselves as primary guardians. Counselling for the children is also a good idea at this point to ensure their fears are dealt with at this stage.
There is an unknown factor of the whereabouts of your sister, but the fact that she is not in touch for *any* amount of time is extremely troubling. She could be facing criminal charges for abandoning the children. She either doesn't want to contact her parents -- or she cannot. Asking around is one route -- but so is hiring a private investigator to do this objectively and accurately without bringing about accidental missteps that may have ramifications -- but that costs money.
If she is in distress, she needs help, but I have gotten an impression that no one parent is stepping up to the plate to help the grandparents -- financially or otherwise.
The problem is that is an emergency situation that depends on knowing certain factors -- and your parents are groping in the dark through no fault of their own. They need facts, financial relief, and support with sound guidance. The children need support and kindness through this trauma -- and it is a trauma. They may be blaming themselves and their grasp of the situation may be distorted.
Good luck to everyone. Your parents need information first, however. You may need an actual checklist of all the factors you do not know in order to be able to map out the proper course of action.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 5:26 PM on June 6, 2018 [5 favorites]
There are services and organizations for grandparents who find themselves as primary guardians. Counselling for the children is also a good idea at this point to ensure their fears are dealt with at this stage.
There is an unknown factor of the whereabouts of your sister, but the fact that she is not in touch for *any* amount of time is extremely troubling. She could be facing criminal charges for abandoning the children. She either doesn't want to contact her parents -- or she cannot. Asking around is one route -- but so is hiring a private investigator to do this objectively and accurately without bringing about accidental missteps that may have ramifications -- but that costs money.
If she is in distress, she needs help, but I have gotten an impression that no one parent is stepping up to the plate to help the grandparents -- financially or otherwise.
The problem is that is an emergency situation that depends on knowing certain factors -- and your parents are groping in the dark through no fault of their own. They need facts, financial relief, and support with sound guidance. The children need support and kindness through this trauma -- and it is a trauma. They may be blaming themselves and their grasp of the situation may be distorted.
Good luck to everyone. Your parents need information first, however. You may need an actual checklist of all the factors you do not know in order to be able to map out the proper course of action.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 5:26 PM on June 6, 2018 [5 favorites]
I worked for a family law attorney who dealt with this sort of situation frequently. If your family is in the Houston area, I can give you some recommendations.
I would have your parents reach out to the father and discuss what sort of custody arrangement works for him. Ideally they should stay together, so this might make the grandparents the most stable guardians. They don't have to pursue permanent custody, they can file for temporary custody until she gets over this medical crisis.
I would not reach out to CPS. A lawyer might suggest otherwise, since it will give you guys resources and legal boundaries for her to rebuild a relationship with her children, while giving them the stability to thrive. But CPS can overreach, so I would only reach out to them once you have legal representation.
posted by politikitty at 5:27 PM on June 6, 2018 [13 favorites]
I would have your parents reach out to the father and discuss what sort of custody arrangement works for him. Ideally they should stay together, so this might make the grandparents the most stable guardians. They don't have to pursue permanent custody, they can file for temporary custody until she gets over this medical crisis.
I would not reach out to CPS. A lawyer might suggest otherwise, since it will give you guys resources and legal boundaries for her to rebuild a relationship with her children, while giving them the stability to thrive. But CPS can overreach, so I would only reach out to them once you have legal representation.
posted by politikitty at 5:27 PM on June 6, 2018 [13 favorites]
Dad needs to go to court and get the judge to re-negotiate custody based on the best interests of the children. He and the her parents may consider shared custody if everyone's willing and able. The court will go with the Best Interests of the Children standard.
The children are not in danger, so I don't think CPS is appropriate here; no court will fault the parents for taking care of the kids.
And while the children are covered, they need to get on the job of finding what's up. If you call CPS, they may call the cops on the mom, and maybe she can be found and reached without a judicial intervention, which is not likely to be as caring and helpful as whatever her parents and you and the dad can contribute to getting her back on track.
posted by Sunburnt at 7:16 PM on June 6, 2018
The children are not in danger, so I don't think CPS is appropriate here; no court will fault the parents for taking care of the kids.
And while the children are covered, they need to get on the job of finding what's up. If you call CPS, they may call the cops on the mom, and maybe she can be found and reached without a judicial intervention, which is not likely to be as caring and helpful as whatever her parents and you and the dad can contribute to getting her back on track.
posted by Sunburnt at 7:16 PM on June 6, 2018
Lawyer first, absolutely. They need someone to advise them on what CPS is likely to do in this situation. They really want to avoid any scenario in which the kids are taken out of the grandparents' home and put into care, even if they're eventually returned. That kind of move can be hugely traumatic. The lawyer can also advise them on the necessary steps to take if they want to seek custody themselves.
While the dad deserves to be kept informed, I wouldn't put too much reliance on his being willing or able to provide stability in this situation. A seriously mentally ill, drug-addicted mother having full custody suggests an ex either in very rough shape himself or uninterested in taking permanent, inescapable responsibility for his kids. You don't want him taking them and then sending them back.
posted by praemunire at 9:06 PM on June 6, 2018 [10 favorites]
While the dad deserves to be kept informed, I wouldn't put too much reliance on his being willing or able to provide stability in this situation. A seriously mentally ill, drug-addicted mother having full custody suggests an ex either in very rough shape himself or uninterested in taking permanent, inescapable responsibility for his kids. You don't want him taking them and then sending them back.
posted by praemunire at 9:06 PM on June 6, 2018 [10 favorites]
You are going to want to google ‘kinship care Texas”
posted by bq at 9:41 PM on June 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by bq at 9:41 PM on June 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
If you go to the father of the two older children for care, the three kids will be split. Probably permanently. This would be traumatic for the two year old. Please think very very very hard before doing this. (I’m assuming the father is no Bob Geldof.) From what you’re writing, the only certainty in the two year olds life is their siblings. Please keep them together if you can.
posted by taff at 12:48 AM on June 7, 2018 [25 favorites]
posted by taff at 12:48 AM on June 7, 2018 [25 favorites]
I would really avoid trying to make permanent custody decisions now, and in my conversations with the father, I would frame this as a summer decision, and you can spend the summer deciding a more permanent custody arrangement. That summer spent living with grandparents is a pretty typical childhood memory, so the children don't need to be unnecessarily traumatized during this medical crisis. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized how many of my friends had unreliable parents because living with grandparents was an ordinary family structure.
Being a united front will make it easier to get emergency custody. If the father and grandparents are fighting over temporary custody, you risk a judge putting them in the home of a third party, or deciding the mom is struggling but not entirely in crisis. Especially if you don't have definitive evidence she is using again. If they try to permanently change the custody arrangement, they risk long delays and more uncertainty for the kids.
When you look for a lawyer, look for one who handles collaborative law. You want to be aware of your rights, and you want to be aware the father could split up the family, and you want to be aware of CPS overreach. But being too aggressive will lead to legal deadlock and additional trauma to the children. So be mindful of these risks, but don't let Metafilter spook your family to the point you overreact and exacerbate this crisis.
I realize that this advice is not actually for you, but for your parents. Change the pronouns as needed.
posted by politikitty at 10:23 AM on June 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
Being a united front will make it easier to get emergency custody. If the father and grandparents are fighting over temporary custody, you risk a judge putting them in the home of a third party, or deciding the mom is struggling but not entirely in crisis. Especially if you don't have definitive evidence she is using again. If they try to permanently change the custody arrangement, they risk long delays and more uncertainty for the kids.
When you look for a lawyer, look for one who handles collaborative law. You want to be aware of your rights, and you want to be aware the father could split up the family, and you want to be aware of CPS overreach. But being too aggressive will lead to legal deadlock and additional trauma to the children. So be mindful of these risks, but don't let Metafilter spook your family to the point you overreact and exacerbate this crisis.
I realize that this advice is not actually for you, but for your parents. Change the pronouns as needed.
posted by politikitty at 10:23 AM on June 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
You already stated the right first step: they should talk with a lawyer before contacting anyone else. If you feel more comfortable, go with them. You are absolutely right. The children's welfare is most important.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 1:22 PM on June 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 1:22 PM on June 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
As for your sister, does she have a friend you can call to try to get an update? Otherwise your folks should call and just say how are you. If she's clearly using, which I'd guess she is, then you or they can volunteer to get her into a program. I'd actually do this before getting the Dad involved.
It really seems to me like she's using. If grandparents aren't up for fostering the 2 year old while she hopefully gets her shit together, maybe you all can discuss who might be up for this or if you need to call social services. She's abanonded the kids. Hopefully she can get the mental healthcare she needs to get the help she needs, but I'd bet that's going to be a longish road.
posted by Kalmya at 4:51 PM on June 6, 2018 [3 favorites]