How do I move on?
May 19, 2018 3:19 PM Subscribe
About three months removed from a toxic friendship, though only one week of no contact. He's still on my mind all the time and I feel empty, alone and unable to really connect with others. More details inside.
This is a previous question of mine about a toxic friendship. Though all the answers helped open my eyes, I ended and went back to the friendship several times over the next month before it ended.
I didn't know this at the time I posted the question, but Dan's girlfriend Jen had broken up with him a few weeks prior. I was under the impression it was simply a break, but Jen later informed me it was a full break up, though she was trying to remain friends with Dan. I guess Dan was going around to friends and family acting as if they were still a couple and that nothing had changed. Jen said a lot of alarming things about Dan, that he was nasty to her, that he would scream at her in front of friends, that he would drive recklessly to scare her, that he got a DUI. I didn't know how much to believe because Jen has a history of lying and at the time I was pretty much enamored with Dan and didn't want to believe her. Plus, whenever I hung out with the both of them there was almost constant bickering between them and she seemed to get just as nasty if not more so than he did. It was this weird dynamic where they'd fight with each other and then turn to me and be super nice as if they were competing for my attention. After the break up Jen would urge me to talk to Dan because I was “such a good friend to him” and “all his other friends suck.” Then I'd try to talk to Dan and he would get pissed that I'd even mention Jen.
Anyway, I guess because now he had all this free time Dan would spend most of his days on PlayStation with me, either playing games together or separately and just talking. We would do this sometimes from noon until 2 in the morning (taking breaks for meals), sometimes 5 days a week.
On Valentine's Day Dan and I were both feeling down so we got drunk together. That night he said he knew I was in love with him and wanted me to say it. I did. He was really sweet the rest of the night. I was so happy. Even though he didn't say it back, I guess I rationalized in my head that if he knew it and wanted me to say the words, that maybe that meant he felt the same back and was just scared.
The next day he said he would like to pretend that night never happened and I wasn't in love with him, it was simply lust. At first I defended myself and said my feelings were genuine. He basically wanted me to argue my case for why I thought I loved him. I felt defeated so I said, “You're right, I'm sorry. It is just lust, I just got carried away. I will deal with my feelings on my own and we don't ever have to talk about it again.”
Two days later, out of the blue, he goes, “You know, I've been meaning to apologize for how I acted towards you after Valentine's Day. I know we are never going to be normal friends, and I'm okay with that.” And again we were talking about my feelings for him. Again conversations turned sexual. He would tell me to argue why he should send me nude pictures. He said he wished I was a girl.
I told him one night that I had been sexually assaulted in the past. Days later he made a "joke" that he could rape me if he wanted to, "though you'd probably like it too much." Instead of being disgusted I was turned on. I told him I would like it.
Also in those last few weeks he started making plans to hang out with me and then 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet he'd tell me he couldn't. There were times he would actually follow through with plans, but it kept happening. Eventually I told him, “Dan.. we just can't make plans anymore. You keep canceling on me but at this point it's less about you canceling plans and it's become about me allowing you to do this to me.” He tried to say it didn't have to be like that but I said unfortunately it did.
Later that night he invited me to sleep over his house for the first time since I've known him. It's obvious now he was just escalating things because he could see that I was starting to stand up for myself and pull away, but at the time I thought, “Wow, maybe this is really happening. Maybe all this talk about sex and feelings really isn't just talk.”
Needless to say, he cancelled on me at the last minute. Told me he'd instead be hanging out and drinking with Jen and that we could talk tomorrow. I got upset, told him he's sick and to never speak to me again. He tried to tell me to calm down and asked, “Where is this all coming from?” But I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore.
After a few days of no contact, I was talking to Jen and she told me they hadn't even hung out that night. I lost it, told her about the sexual things he'd been saying to me, the mind games he was playing, etc. Within minutes Dan texted me, saying I ruined him, ruined his chances of getting back together with Jen, and I was truly pathetic human garbage. He said even though I thought we were more that I was just someone to talk to at night. He said he talks to all of his guy friends like that and can't believe I'd betray him because I'm jealous he's not gay. He said he was going to block me on everything and we would never speak again.
He didn't block me on anything, though. In moments of weakness over the past 3 months I have sent him messages varying between begging for his forgiveness, saying I'd accepted that it was really over and wishing him well, and angrily calling out the things he said and did to me. He hasn't responded.
I'm not proud of any of my behavior. I regret remaining in the toxic friendship, I regret telling Jen anything, and I regret the messaging I've been doing since then. I don't want to be this kind of person. I feel like I lost touch with reality and who I am.
I'm in therapy, I'm on medication, I'm spending time with other friends, I'm being more physically active and eating better, he's now blocked on all social media and I haven't texted him in a week. I haven't talked to Jen because according to her I just made it all up so I could turn them against each other. But months later and he's still so often on my mind. I sometimes feel so disgusted with myself that I still miss him, that I allowed and even encouraged him to treat me the way he did. I scare myself that I pretty much reached stalker status (all the texts, going to places we used to hang out hoping I'd bump into him, going over social media profiles with a fine tooth comb).
I've read about the dynamic between people with Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I feel it explains this perfectly. That Narcissists are like an empty, bottomless well with an endless need of validation and Borderlines feel so intensely and desperately want to be loved that they can keep pouring their feelings into to the Narcissist's well and it never fills up.
I've wasted nearly half my twenties pining after Dan, building him up while he tore me down. And playing his and Jen's twisted games. And now I am nothing to him, or her, and I feel so empty and alone. I don't know why he has such a hold on me and why I can't let go.
A common pattern among these types of relationships is after you are discarded they will eventually try to come back into your life. If Dan does I don't think I could not talk to him and if he doesn't.. that possibility scares me even more.
How do I move on, and remain no contact - for good? People who have been in similar situations, what was the turning point or the inspiration that caused you to say no more?
This is a previous question of mine about a toxic friendship. Though all the answers helped open my eyes, I ended and went back to the friendship several times over the next month before it ended.
I didn't know this at the time I posted the question, but Dan's girlfriend Jen had broken up with him a few weeks prior. I was under the impression it was simply a break, but Jen later informed me it was a full break up, though she was trying to remain friends with Dan. I guess Dan was going around to friends and family acting as if they were still a couple and that nothing had changed. Jen said a lot of alarming things about Dan, that he was nasty to her, that he would scream at her in front of friends, that he would drive recklessly to scare her, that he got a DUI. I didn't know how much to believe because Jen has a history of lying and at the time I was pretty much enamored with Dan and didn't want to believe her. Plus, whenever I hung out with the both of them there was almost constant bickering between them and she seemed to get just as nasty if not more so than he did. It was this weird dynamic where they'd fight with each other and then turn to me and be super nice as if they were competing for my attention. After the break up Jen would urge me to talk to Dan because I was “such a good friend to him” and “all his other friends suck.” Then I'd try to talk to Dan and he would get pissed that I'd even mention Jen.
Anyway, I guess because now he had all this free time Dan would spend most of his days on PlayStation with me, either playing games together or separately and just talking. We would do this sometimes from noon until 2 in the morning (taking breaks for meals), sometimes 5 days a week.
On Valentine's Day Dan and I were both feeling down so we got drunk together. That night he said he knew I was in love with him and wanted me to say it. I did. He was really sweet the rest of the night. I was so happy. Even though he didn't say it back, I guess I rationalized in my head that if he knew it and wanted me to say the words, that maybe that meant he felt the same back and was just scared.
The next day he said he would like to pretend that night never happened and I wasn't in love with him, it was simply lust. At first I defended myself and said my feelings were genuine. He basically wanted me to argue my case for why I thought I loved him. I felt defeated so I said, “You're right, I'm sorry. It is just lust, I just got carried away. I will deal with my feelings on my own and we don't ever have to talk about it again.”
Two days later, out of the blue, he goes, “You know, I've been meaning to apologize for how I acted towards you after Valentine's Day. I know we are never going to be normal friends, and I'm okay with that.” And again we were talking about my feelings for him. Again conversations turned sexual. He would tell me to argue why he should send me nude pictures. He said he wished I was a girl.
I told him one night that I had been sexually assaulted in the past. Days later he made a "joke" that he could rape me if he wanted to, "though you'd probably like it too much." Instead of being disgusted I was turned on. I told him I would like it.
Also in those last few weeks he started making plans to hang out with me and then 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet he'd tell me he couldn't. There were times he would actually follow through with plans, but it kept happening. Eventually I told him, “Dan.. we just can't make plans anymore. You keep canceling on me but at this point it's less about you canceling plans and it's become about me allowing you to do this to me.” He tried to say it didn't have to be like that but I said unfortunately it did.
Later that night he invited me to sleep over his house for the first time since I've known him. It's obvious now he was just escalating things because he could see that I was starting to stand up for myself and pull away, but at the time I thought, “Wow, maybe this is really happening. Maybe all this talk about sex and feelings really isn't just talk.”
Needless to say, he cancelled on me at the last minute. Told me he'd instead be hanging out and drinking with Jen and that we could talk tomorrow. I got upset, told him he's sick and to never speak to me again. He tried to tell me to calm down and asked, “Where is this all coming from?” But I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore.
After a few days of no contact, I was talking to Jen and she told me they hadn't even hung out that night. I lost it, told her about the sexual things he'd been saying to me, the mind games he was playing, etc. Within minutes Dan texted me, saying I ruined him, ruined his chances of getting back together with Jen, and I was truly pathetic human garbage. He said even though I thought we were more that I was just someone to talk to at night. He said he talks to all of his guy friends like that and can't believe I'd betray him because I'm jealous he's not gay. He said he was going to block me on everything and we would never speak again.
He didn't block me on anything, though. In moments of weakness over the past 3 months I have sent him messages varying between begging for his forgiveness, saying I'd accepted that it was really over and wishing him well, and angrily calling out the things he said and did to me. He hasn't responded.
I'm not proud of any of my behavior. I regret remaining in the toxic friendship, I regret telling Jen anything, and I regret the messaging I've been doing since then. I don't want to be this kind of person. I feel like I lost touch with reality and who I am.
I'm in therapy, I'm on medication, I'm spending time with other friends, I'm being more physically active and eating better, he's now blocked on all social media and I haven't texted him in a week. I haven't talked to Jen because according to her I just made it all up so I could turn them against each other. But months later and he's still so often on my mind. I sometimes feel so disgusted with myself that I still miss him, that I allowed and even encouraged him to treat me the way he did. I scare myself that I pretty much reached stalker status (all the texts, going to places we used to hang out hoping I'd bump into him, going over social media profiles with a fine tooth comb).
I've read about the dynamic between people with Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I feel it explains this perfectly. That Narcissists are like an empty, bottomless well with an endless need of validation and Borderlines feel so intensely and desperately want to be loved that they can keep pouring their feelings into to the Narcissist's well and it never fills up.
I've wasted nearly half my twenties pining after Dan, building him up while he tore me down. And playing his and Jen's twisted games. And now I am nothing to him, or her, and I feel so empty and alone. I don't know why he has such a hold on me and why I can't let go.
A common pattern among these types of relationships is after you are discarded they will eventually try to come back into your life. If Dan does I don't think I could not talk to him and if he doesn't.. that possibility scares me even more.
How do I move on, and remain no contact - for good? People who have been in similar situations, what was the turning point or the inspiration that caused you to say no more?
Best answer: I haven't been in a similar situation, and I can't relate to the situations you describe. But for what it's worth, I do think I might be able to offer something constructive—something that works for me, at least, and might also help you:
I don't know why he has such a hold on me
There's a philosophy that views people as perception. There is no you, in other words. To your mom, there's a son. To your sister, there's a brother. Your friends, classmates, coworkers, neighbors, everybody has a perception of you that's based on your interactions. You live as long as people remember you. You exist in varied forms, depending on the interactions that form each perception. Et cetera. You get the idea.
According to this thinking, there is no Dan. There is only, for you, your perception of him. So Dan can't have any kind of hold on you. Everything that's happening is within your own brain.
Obviously that's not any kind of magic answer. It's just a way to frame things. But it helps me. That framing helps me to remember that emotions are just a thing that happens chemically inside my head, that there are things I can do to affect and change those chemical reactions, that nobody else has any more control over me than I do. Maybe it can be helpful for you, too. I'm sorry you're in pain. Good luck.
posted by cribcage at 3:51 PM on May 19, 2018 [11 favorites]
I don't know why he has such a hold on me
There's a philosophy that views people as perception. There is no you, in other words. To your mom, there's a son. To your sister, there's a brother. Your friends, classmates, coworkers, neighbors, everybody has a perception of you that's based on your interactions. You live as long as people remember you. You exist in varied forms, depending on the interactions that form each perception. Et cetera. You get the idea.
According to this thinking, there is no Dan. There is only, for you, your perception of him. So Dan can't have any kind of hold on you. Everything that's happening is within your own brain.
Obviously that's not any kind of magic answer. It's just a way to frame things. But it helps me. That framing helps me to remember that emotions are just a thing that happens chemically inside my head, that there are things I can do to affect and change those chemical reactions, that nobody else has any more control over me than I do. Maybe it can be helpful for you, too. I'm sorry you're in pain. Good luck.
posted by cribcage at 3:51 PM on May 19, 2018 [11 favorites]
Best answer: I learned to disengage from a pattern of picking bad romantic partners. For me, a big part of it was getting an awareness of how traumatic experiences in childhood programmed me to feel comfortable in bad situations, like being in a one-down position with someone, being good at finding a reason to justify someone else's bad behavior, allowing boundary-crossing incidents to 'disappear' from my awareness, and internalizing blame, to name a few.
This was just a part of what was normal, and setting boundaries wasn't an option because I was dependent on the people doing this. That kind of unhealthy mental work is just what you have to do to maintain any sort of psychological integrity when you can't leave. (I think the book Trauma and Recovery talks about this in some detail.) Conversely, it felt weird to be around people who treated me with genuine care, and I'm sure that caused me to shy away from relationships with healthy people.
You've had to deal with a lot of trauma in your own life from what you've written here and in previous questions, so maybe this will make some sense to you. I remember coming into contact with people like Dan (of varying degrees of toxicity) and feeling a similar draw. Now I recognize that feeling as me trying to repeat a situation from my past that went wrong, but get it right. That takes away a lot of the allure.
posted by alphanerd at 4:06 PM on May 19, 2018 [7 favorites]
This was just a part of what was normal, and setting boundaries wasn't an option because I was dependent on the people doing this. That kind of unhealthy mental work is just what you have to do to maintain any sort of psychological integrity when you can't leave. (I think the book Trauma and Recovery talks about this in some detail.) Conversely, it felt weird to be around people who treated me with genuine care, and I'm sure that caused me to shy away from relationships with healthy people.
You've had to deal with a lot of trauma in your own life from what you've written here and in previous questions, so maybe this will make some sense to you. I remember coming into contact with people like Dan (of varying degrees of toxicity) and feeling a similar draw. Now I recognize that feeling as me trying to repeat a situation from my past that went wrong, but get it right. That takes away a lot of the allure.
posted by alphanerd at 4:06 PM on May 19, 2018 [7 favorites]
All I can do is congratulate you. Each and every day you stay no contact is a day closer to emotional freedom and a far, far happier life.
I very much doubt you have Borderline Personality Disorder - it simply sounds like you've been dealing as best you can with a really tough experience.
I think as time goes by and you regain equilibrium and start to discover who you are without your former acquaintances, you'll look back and respect yourself for coming through such a hard and painful situation.
You are capable and deserving of love and loyalty. You are capable and deserving of empathy and kindness. And no lessons are ever wasted.
posted by doornoise at 4:17 PM on May 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
I very much doubt you have Borderline Personality Disorder - it simply sounds like you've been dealing as best you can with a really tough experience.
I think as time goes by and you regain equilibrium and start to discover who you are without your former acquaintances, you'll look back and respect yourself for coming through such a hard and painful situation.
You are capable and deserving of love and loyalty. You are capable and deserving of empathy and kindness. And no lessons are ever wasted.
posted by doornoise at 4:17 PM on May 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
You are worth more than you have been allowing yourself to be treated. If you had a friend going through this, you would likely consistently remind them that you love them and that when they go back to this asshole and get treated like garbage, it’s painful to you because you know they deserve happiness. Be that friend to yourself. Tell yourself that every day. “I wouldn’t want anyone I love to go near this guy. And I love me.”
posted by greermahoney at 4:33 PM on May 19, 2018
posted by greermahoney at 4:33 PM on May 19, 2018
My sister was in an abusive relationship with a much older man starting in her teens. He was the worst: a deadbeat dad, an alcoholic, verbally and physically abusive- the list goes on. She stayed with him for years and years, even with growing discomfort. She lied about stuff that happened to her and between him and how he behaved. However, the breaking point came when he threatened her life with an actual weapon. She woke up, fled, left all of her possessions, left town, and never looked back. Since then, she has been working on piecing together healing (it's been about 5 years now), and is now married to a much nicer man.
The way I see it, she got squeezed EVERY LAST BIT OF LEARNING out of this relationship with this terrible person. She was in denial about it for a long time, but eventually the "spell was broken"- and she found her way out of the smog. She has been clearing her head and seeking closure since then, all while moving her life forward in other ways. It takes time. It seems like you got EVERY LAST BIT OF LEARNING out of this situation, and I think you're doing the right thing by expressing your thoughts here, and I hope through journaling and other friendships. Go no contact with this person. If you find yourself feeling tempted to contact him- *tap into the pain you're feeling now*- this pain is_healing pain_ - it is your self-preservation kicking in to tell you that this person was very very bad for you. It's a bit like (what I imagine would be) heroin: the thing that makes you feel amazing at times makes you feel indescribably horrible as a repercussion. Break the addiction!
As a side note, I've done a ton of reading about BPD, NPD, etc myself and what I think should be said is: those articles and studies and whatnot are simply approximations of human dynamics. They never capture the depth and complexity of what it means to be an actual human with authentic experiences. I feel like those articles can compound shame and promote simplistic thinking about complex human interactions. Your story and you are totally unique and no article describing a personality disorder will ever begin to touch what it means to be you.
Try to find your own language surrounding your experiences and emotions. The key is to look at how you're feeling- really reflect on how you're thinking and feeling- as opposed to trying to pathologize your experience. You are not a pathology. You are a human.
Best of luck on your healing journey! You seem to have already made some impressive strides towards self care, compassion, and love.
posted by erattacorrige at 4:59 PM on May 19, 2018 [9 favorites]
The way I see it, she got squeezed EVERY LAST BIT OF LEARNING out of this relationship with this terrible person. She was in denial about it for a long time, but eventually the "spell was broken"- and she found her way out of the smog. She has been clearing her head and seeking closure since then, all while moving her life forward in other ways. It takes time. It seems like you got EVERY LAST BIT OF LEARNING out of this situation, and I think you're doing the right thing by expressing your thoughts here, and I hope through journaling and other friendships. Go no contact with this person. If you find yourself feeling tempted to contact him- *tap into the pain you're feeling now*- this pain is_healing pain_ - it is your self-preservation kicking in to tell you that this person was very very bad for you. It's a bit like (what I imagine would be) heroin: the thing that makes you feel amazing at times makes you feel indescribably horrible as a repercussion. Break the addiction!
As a side note, I've done a ton of reading about BPD, NPD, etc myself and what I think should be said is: those articles and studies and whatnot are simply approximations of human dynamics. They never capture the depth and complexity of what it means to be an actual human with authentic experiences. I feel like those articles can compound shame and promote simplistic thinking about complex human interactions. Your story and you are totally unique and no article describing a personality disorder will ever begin to touch what it means to be you.
Try to find your own language surrounding your experiences and emotions. The key is to look at how you're feeling- really reflect on how you're thinking and feeling- as opposed to trying to pathologize your experience. You are not a pathology. You are a human.
Best of luck on your healing journey! You seem to have already made some impressive strides towards self care, compassion, and love.
posted by erattacorrige at 4:59 PM on May 19, 2018 [9 favorites]
I've wasted nearly half my twenties pining after Dan, building him up while he tore me down.
I had a relationship fail fairly quickly but spectacularly after having known the woman for a very, very long time, and I think even if there wasn't a "together" here per se, you have to look at the grieving process as though what broke up was the emotional attachment that had existed this whole time. Imagine if you'd been in an actual relationship for five years. The first week after no-contact would still be absolutely awful. I'm now almost nine months after the breakup of a relationship that was not nine months long, but I'm still grieving, because I'm also grieving the twenty years before that. It's hard to tell in the moment, but if I compare where I am now to where I was a month ago to where I was in February to where I was last September? I'm doing fine. You're going to be doing fine, too.
Right now, it's okay if you're still at the stage where the big success is that you actually eat and shower and stuff, and you're doing clearly better than that, so don't beat yourself up for not being completely over a thing that didn't really just exist within the borders of the first time you said you had feelings for him to the point you stopped talking.
posted by Sequence at 6:35 PM on May 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
I had a relationship fail fairly quickly but spectacularly after having known the woman for a very, very long time, and I think even if there wasn't a "together" here per se, you have to look at the grieving process as though what broke up was the emotional attachment that had existed this whole time. Imagine if you'd been in an actual relationship for five years. The first week after no-contact would still be absolutely awful. I'm now almost nine months after the breakup of a relationship that was not nine months long, but I'm still grieving, because I'm also grieving the twenty years before that. It's hard to tell in the moment, but if I compare where I am now to where I was a month ago to where I was in February to where I was last September? I'm doing fine. You're going to be doing fine, too.
Right now, it's okay if you're still at the stage where the big success is that you actually eat and shower and stuff, and you're doing clearly better than that, so don't beat yourself up for not being completely over a thing that didn't really just exist within the borders of the first time you said you had feelings for him to the point you stopped talking.
posted by Sequence at 6:35 PM on May 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: people are very strange here about those who identify their own borderline qualities or disorder, like they think they're complimenting or elevating you by denying it. You recognize a dynamic and a pattern of relating common enough to have a label. if that makes you feel worse about yourself, that's bad. if that helps you to clarify your thinking, find peers, and try new ways of coping, that's good. it's only a conceptual category. there is nothing in that cluster of traits that prevents you from being a self-aware or a good person.
I don't know why he has such a hold on me and why I can't let go.
Dan doesn't have any real hold on you: if you stop caring about him, there's nothing he can do about it. yeah I know it's a figure of speech, but I think you think and talk in terms of his hold, his power, because you want this horrible history to be healed not by you empowering yourself but by him finally using power kindly. to have an advantage over you and yet not choose to harm you, even though he could. you know this won't ever happen, but if you really decide you're done with him and thereby take his power away, it can't ever happen. you're resisting a death of hope and of possibility.
so, that's why I think you're so reluctant to make it final and why you feel like you can't do it. you want him to freely choose to stop being awful because he's better than that, because he cares about you, because you don't deserve to be hurt. but only the last of those three is true. he is obsessed with you, as you are with him; that doesn't mean he's ever going to be kind to you or care about you. he's not, ever. really accepting that might help you to then accept your own power to refuse contact with him. but it makes a lot of sense that it's so painful. not even though he's awful and won't change: because of it.
And you can get various kinds of pleasure out of being badly treated for any number of reasons without ever deserving it or being responsible for it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:46 PM on May 19, 2018 [8 favorites]
I don't know why he has such a hold on me and why I can't let go.
Dan doesn't have any real hold on you: if you stop caring about him, there's nothing he can do about it. yeah I know it's a figure of speech, but I think you think and talk in terms of his hold, his power, because you want this horrible history to be healed not by you empowering yourself but by him finally using power kindly. to have an advantage over you and yet not choose to harm you, even though he could. you know this won't ever happen, but if you really decide you're done with him and thereby take his power away, it can't ever happen. you're resisting a death of hope and of possibility.
so, that's why I think you're so reluctant to make it final and why you feel like you can't do it. you want him to freely choose to stop being awful because he's better than that, because he cares about you, because you don't deserve to be hurt. but only the last of those three is true. he is obsessed with you, as you are with him; that doesn't mean he's ever going to be kind to you or care about you. he's not, ever. really accepting that might help you to then accept your own power to refuse contact with him. but it makes a lot of sense that it's so painful. not even though he's awful and won't change: because of it.
And you can get various kinds of pleasure out of being badly treated for any number of reasons without ever deserving it or being responsible for it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:46 PM on May 19, 2018 [8 favorites]
I just wanted to tell you that it's very clear from your questions and comments on the green that you're a very smart, cool and caring person. Never talk to this guy again. He doesn't deserve to have you in his life.
posted by cakelite at 8:58 PM on May 19, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 8:58 PM on May 19, 2018 [9 favorites]
Since you mention being disgusted as a theoretically possible outcome to what Dan said about your sexual assault, it doesn't sound like you indicated that would be welcome first. While it turned out that you liked it, I don't think that it was okay for him to bring it up without being certain that you'd consent first. That's true for sex in general, but even more so for rape kink with a survivor, which could potentiality be very triggering for them. I consider Dan to be a predator. You deserve to have safe people in your life.
posted by Social Science Nerd at 9:59 PM on May 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Social Science Nerd at 9:59 PM on May 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
It's very easy to feel shame when someone else treats you poorly, like "Why did I let them? What's wrong with me?" And sure, there's lots that can be learned. But also, sometimes, regular people end up in toxic relationships when those relationships get worse bit by bit. It doesn't have to be about you. You sound like someone who would be a good partner.
posted by salvia at 1:05 AM on May 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by salvia at 1:05 AM on May 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
I used to have a tendency to be obsessive over people I date and to give them chance after chance. I'm not sure how, but at some point it clicked that if someone showed me that their interest in and regard for me was lukewarm, I should not have them in my life. I've also learned that it takes me a long time to get over people (about a year) and there's nothing I can do to change that except to give myself that time - which means no contact. Reading "Attached" was really helpful for me.
I'm in therapy, I'm on medication, I'm spending time with other friends, I'm being more physically active and eating better, he's now blocked on all social media and I haven't texted him in a week.... But months later and he's still so often on my mind.
It sounds like you've only been full no-contact for a week. You're on the right track with therapy, exercise, and seeing your friends. Keep up with that and stay no-contact. When you are tempted to e-stalk him or text him or anything, remember that romantic feelings are like heroin and you are detoxing. You feel like you NEED to get in touch with him because it will resolve your pain ... but it won't. He won't say "I see I was really shitty, I'm sorry, I do care about you" and then get together with you and never do shitty things ever again. Getting in contact or looking him up is just extending your pain and re-setting your detox period to 0 days.
Distraction is a perfectly valid way to deal with the temptation to contact him or give him headspace - watch netflix, go on a run, get together with friends, call your mom, play the ukulele, study Russian, meditate - whatever works for you. It takes time but the feelings will fade and become less overwhelming. Remember that you deserve a relationship with someone who respects you and cares for you- this is not that relationship. Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 7:05 AM on May 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm in therapy, I'm on medication, I'm spending time with other friends, I'm being more physically active and eating better, he's now blocked on all social media and I haven't texted him in a week.... But months later and he's still so often on my mind.
It sounds like you've only been full no-contact for a week. You're on the right track with therapy, exercise, and seeing your friends. Keep up with that and stay no-contact. When you are tempted to e-stalk him or text him or anything, remember that romantic feelings are like heroin and you are detoxing. You feel like you NEED to get in touch with him because it will resolve your pain ... but it won't. He won't say "I see I was really shitty, I'm sorry, I do care about you" and then get together with you and never do shitty things ever again. Getting in contact or looking him up is just extending your pain and re-setting your detox period to 0 days.
Distraction is a perfectly valid way to deal with the temptation to contact him or give him headspace - watch netflix, go on a run, get together with friends, call your mom, play the ukulele, study Russian, meditate - whatever works for you. It takes time but the feelings will fade and become less overwhelming. Remember that you deserve a relationship with someone who respects you and cares for you- this is not that relationship. Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 7:05 AM on May 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Go no contact with this person.
I'd recommend going no contact with his ex as well. The point of going no contact is to avoid getting sucked into drama, and it seems to me that Jen has a starring role in Dan's. I don't think either of them is good for your health.
posted by flabdablet at 9:33 AM on May 20, 2018 [10 favorites]
I'd recommend going no contact with his ex as well. The point of going no contact is to avoid getting sucked into drama, and it seems to me that Jen has a starring role in Dan's. I don't think either of them is good for your health.
posted by flabdablet at 9:33 AM on May 20, 2018 [10 favorites]
Best answer: I commented on your linked question and it breaks my heart to see what happened to me back in college playing out so similarly for you. I'm glad you're moving towards getting him out of your life. You will wake up one morning, maybe a week from now, maybe a month, maybe two months, and life will smell and taste just a little different, and it will be like the first time an ex-smoker takes a full, deep breath after the nicotine has fully left their system and the tar is clearing from their lungs.
Speaking of addictions, perhaps it would help to understand why you still feel so bad, to think of Dan as a crappy slot machine. They are so colourful and twinkly, so that it seems like a fun, exciting thing to play. And they keep offering you little scraps - oh look, you won a few dollars/nude photos - here and there, to keep you playing. But the ultimate goal is to take your money (or in this case, your time and energy), and that's why people keep going back to them and lose thousands without even realising it.
You're working your way out of an addiction, and addiction is hard to beat. Keep going, stay strong, it will be worth it.
posted by greenish at 2:35 AM on May 21, 2018 [6 favorites]
Speaking of addictions, perhaps it would help to understand why you still feel so bad, to think of Dan as a crappy slot machine. They are so colourful and twinkly, so that it seems like a fun, exciting thing to play. And they keep offering you little scraps - oh look, you won a few dollars/nude photos - here and there, to keep you playing. But the ultimate goal is to take your money (or in this case, your time and energy), and that's why people keep going back to them and lose thousands without even realising it.
You're working your way out of an addiction, and addiction is hard to beat. Keep going, stay strong, it will be worth it.
posted by greenish at 2:35 AM on May 21, 2018 [6 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:36 PM on May 19, 2018 [18 favorites]