how do i be a less bitchy manager?

May 10, 2018 7:18 AM

so, I worry that I tend to come off as mean or bitchy with my direct reports (who are admittedly undertrained, not that I can do much about that); and I tend to snap at them when they make stupid mistakes or ask stupid questions. how do I stop behaving that way?
posted by and they trembled before her fury to Work & Money (31 answers total)

Start apologizing every time you do it. Not only will this make you look nicer, it will also train you to do it less, because you'll get sick of having to apologize.

(But also - as their manager, can you really not do anything to train them? And what do you mean by 'stupid mistakes' and 'stupid questions'?)
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:24 AM on May 10, 2018 [14 favorites]

1. Focus on your goals. If your goal is to get them to do what you want correctly, snapping at them for "stupid questions" is going to result in them not asking you, and then it won't be done correctly.

2. In all my management roles I've taken pride in treating people with dignity and respect. If that's not your default because of your background or personality, that is hard because you'll have a bunch of pre-set responses. But it might worth thinking about what mark you want to leave on your staff as people.

3. Take a breath and have a set phrase to say before you react. Mine is often "I'm listening" or "I'm just thinking that over," or just something like sitting down or moving to one side of the hallway.

4. Be proactive about training - not just presenting the material once but actually training, drilling, practicing, roleplaying, coaching, "inspect what you expect."

5. Keep them separate from you. Being a good manager means getting the job done, and it is a change to go from doing it yourself to having to support and lead others in doing it. But remember that when they make a mistake, that's their piece...yours is to figure out why and help stop it from happening again. They are not making you look bad exactly -- that can be a result, but only over time, so slow down and don't let your feelings of upset be what you lead with.

6. If there's really a long-term problem there are lots of good ways to deal with it calmly, none of which involve snapping in the moment.

7. Demonstrating a high level of emotional intelligence and emotional self-regulation will lead the way for your staff to self-regulate, which only helps them learn and do their jobs better.

8. It's a job. It's a job. It's a job. Unless you are saving lives or something (which you may be), there is always a next day. If you are saving lives please get on that training piece asap. :)
posted by warriorqueen at 7:28 AM on May 10, 2018 [19 favorites]

It sounds like they need more training, and as their manager, wouldn't you be the person to make that happen?

Every time they ask a "stupid" question or make a "stupid" mistake (this right here says to me you are blaming them for their own lack of training) remind yourself that they have not been given what they need to do their jobs well. THAT IS NOT THEIR FAULT. Whose fault is it? Be angry at them instead.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 7:28 AM on May 10, 2018 [28 favorites]

If they haven't been properly trained, then the questions aren't stupid, and mistakes are to be expected. As their boss, can you train them, or arrange for training?

Failing that, can you reframe these questions and mistakes as the training process? That's basically what they are and you can't blame a trainee for needing training.

In the moment: I take a beat, take a breath, imitate my mentor who has the patience of a saint and starts many sentences with a thoughtful "well..." or "hm, good question..."
posted by kapers at 7:29 AM on May 10, 2018 [7 favorites]

Usually, the snapping thing (which I am prone to in a lot of situations) can be helped with a bit of a delay in any reaction at all. Before you say anything, you can take a moment to silently assess what the situation needs and then gather yourself up to address the question or the situation, rather than saying the first thing that comes to mind.
posted by xingcat at 7:30 AM on May 10, 2018 [4 favorites]

While I have relied on showbiz_liz's AskMe advice a lot in the past, in this case I would disagree, although I think we're on the same page.

In uneven power dynamics, apologies work once. If the undesirable behaviour continues after that, apologies are worse than meaningless. They become a signal: "I will continue this behaviour because it's okay if I apologize afterwards."

Instead, I'd suggest understanding what specific scenarios, at a very minute level, trigger what is essentially abusive or unprofessional behaviour on your part. Try to understand what the triggers are, and learn to recognize them.

Create a plan for how you will react in future. Write it down. It could be something as simple as waiting for 20 minutes before responding.

You should also consider acknowledging your undesirable behaviour to your direct reports: "Upon reflection, I think I've been somewhat brusque with you at different times. It's not your fault. I'm going to try some different strategies for improving how I communicate, and I hope you'll bear with me."

One way that you yourself can help with your employees' professional development (training) is to empower them to be assertive. Understanding when a supervisor or manager (or anyone else) is behaving inappropriately and then tactfully calling them out on it is a useful skill (understanding which manager or supervisor is receptive to being called out, and using discretion, is also a useful skill to learn).

Fundamentally, I try to really avoid saying 'sorry' unless I truly mean it. I think it's your responsibility to create a plan for changing your behaviour, and sticking to it.
posted by JamesBay at 7:35 AM on May 10, 2018 [25 favorites]

"admittedly undertrained" is not compatible with "stupid mistakes" and "ask stupid questions". There's a reason they are making mistakes and asking questions.

Sometimes I get annoyed, but it's usually because I'm in the middle of another task or I'm distracted. If I recognise that "annoyed" feeling, I tell my report "Can I follow up with you in 10 minutes? I'm just in the middle of something". I also use that time to think about the question and why they have asked me that. What information are they missing? Should I have provided that information?

Spotting mistakes is a different thing. If it's a one off thing, you need to adjust your own attitude and guide them to why it's not correct and how to do it in the future. It's honestly as simple as that and it's part of your job as a manager to convey this calmly and effectively.

If they are repeating the mistake, do the same thing but afterwards follow up with "This is something I've noted has happened a few times already. We need to see an improvement, why do you think it's happening and how can I help?"

We all have off days, but a big part of being a manager is being a teacher/mentor. It doesn't come naturally to everyone, but it's a very important way to get the best out of your team. It takes self-reflection and humility. When you find that you've been overly harsh, think about the circumstances that triggered that. Own your behaviour and apologise. It will improve over time.
posted by like_neon at 7:37 AM on May 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

As their manager, you're not there in opposition to them. You're there to coach them, to lift them up. Please banish the word "stupid" from your vocabulary. Get these folks more training. Help them understand not only the details of their work but they "why" behind those details. If possible, empower them to make mistakes. When I was in corporate learning, we found that A LOT of "obvious" questions came up because the front line employees were afraid of making a mistake and being reprimanded, so as as result, they would ask about even extremely simple and obvious things. If you can create a culture where people are encouraged to use their peers as resources and where out-of-the-box thinking and problem solving is rewarded, then you you may see a change in they way they interact with each other, and with you.
posted by anastasiav at 7:37 AM on May 10, 2018 [7 favorites]

Yeah I really don't buy that you can't do much about them being undertrained without more information. I think training your reports should be pretty much bang in your remit as their manager. It doesn't necessarily mean you directly training them, but you should be the one responsible for making it happen.
posted by like_neon at 7:40 AM on May 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

Here's something that I only recently learned, after too many years of being a snapping type person: Snapping is almost never as "spontaneous" as we think it is.

Ask yourself, what did you do the last time you were genuinely surprised at something, good or bad? Would you characterize yourself as "snapping" when that happened? Odds are you reacted a totally different way. That reaction is your immediate, primal, lizard-brain way of dealing with things.

So if that's not the same way you react when someone makes what you would call a "stupid" mistake, then you learned that reaction. You have trained yourself to snap at people. That means you can train yourself not to. Pausing before you react is a good way to start that training.
posted by Etrigan at 7:41 AM on May 10, 2018 [4 favorites]

Use behavior modification methods to manage your own behavior. Star charts work, though I wouldn't put one in plain view. Wear a rubber band on your wrist, snap it when you behave in ways you want to stop.

Developing effective training pays off in the long run. Planning helps avoid situations that will aggravate you. This is what managers are for.

Bitchy? Mean? Stop describing yourself that way. It's especially difficult for women to manage effectively because of sexist stereotypes and resistance to accepting supervision from women. Describe yourself as demanding, tough, No-BS, whatever. You are acting out of frustration and that doesn't work well. Act from a position of confidence and expertise. A huge percentage of the male supervisors I've had have been wildly over-confident about their capabilities - and their over-estimation of their competence is accepted at face value. Women often do the opposite. Assess your strengths, build on them, assess your weaknesses, work on them. Don't be too shy about stating your needs, or proclaiming your successes. Read ask a manager.
posted by theora55 at 8:09 AM on May 10, 2018 [9 favorites]

They may need training... but you also need training. There is never a good excuse for treating anyone... family member, employee, or a clerk at a market, with disrespect.

A book called The One Minute Manager will provide you with a new paradigm for dealing with your reports in a completely positive and respectful manner. It will offer a way to bring out the best in others without demeaning poor performance. Best of all, the book is brief, simply written and to the point. I think it's just what you are looking for, I hope you check it out.
posted by elf27 at 8:11 AM on May 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

You've misdiagnosed the situation. Right now the issue isn't that they're not doing their jobs. It's that you're not doing yours.

Please stop thinking of yourself as a manager and start thinking of yourself as a leader.

As a leader, it's your job to make sure your employees have the resources they need to do their jobs, whether that's training or tools or time. As a leader, you understand that your employees are engaging with you because they want to succeed and contribute and you should address them with a mind toward their success. No question is stupid. People really and truly do want to succeed. As a leader, it's your job to help them identify their strengths and use them. People who are able to apply their strengths are happier and more productive, and more likely to help others. You lead by example.

There's tons of online articles out there about the difference between a manager and a leader and I think you may find them inspiring.
posted by mochapickle at 8:15 AM on May 10, 2018 [19 favorites]

One way to answer questions that your staff truly ought to know how to answer (not ones where they lack training, which has been addressed): respond by asking questions that empower them to solve on their own. E.g., what do you think we should do/what did you do last time or when [similar situation]/what does the manual say/what did [person they're supposed to ask] say when you asked her?

I had a boss who responded this way and it trained me out of asking questions I needn't have asked her, while making me feel respected and supported.

People aren't going to go the extra mile and solve their own problems in a situation where their boss doesn't respect them, though. Snapping isn't going to create the kind of dynamic where your staff is going to want to show you they can resolve stuff on their own.
posted by kapers at 8:46 AM on May 10, 2018 [3 favorites]

In my experience when things are going off the rails, it's because expectations aren't clear and it's your job as a manager to set clear expectations about what the goals are and how the team is going to achieve those goals. One of the best ways to set expectations is through regular check-ins. A check-in gives everyone the chance to get on the same page about priorities and roles. It's a time for everyone to get clear on expectations.

What kind of individual and team check-in process do you have?

As a manager, you should be carving out time on a regular basis to go over goals, troubleshoot, brainstorm, provide coaching, talk through processes. During an individual check-in you can give your supervisees a chance to explain how they are going to approach a process and that gives you a chance to redirect or coach them to pursue a more effective path. An individual check-in also gives your supervisees a place to ask all their questions so they aren't interrupting the flow of the day with questions. You can also use that check-in time to provide some in-time training.

Your supervisees aren't stupid, they just aren't clear on what the expectations are.
posted by brookeb at 8:52 AM on May 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

Good for you for working on recognizing this is a problem and working to address it.

Perhaps it would help, though, to realize that you are having trouble doing this part of your job (inspiring and leading) just as your reports are having trouble doing theirs. It's not because you're stupid - changing is hard. Then extend the same sympathy to your reports that you want people to extend to you.
posted by FencingGal at 8:58 AM on May 10, 2018 [3 favorites]

Let's break this down. Is the question stupid because there's easy access to the answers? Because they didn't look it up first? If so, try the Socratic method : "What did the document say?" "What answers did you find?" This trains them to look first. But it may seem stupid because the answers seems obvious yo your greater knowledge. They don't have that yet, and so the question is a good one - and it is our job as managers to help build their underlying knowledge and resources. If I get the same question twice, that tells me the answers aren't written down or easily accessible, and they need to be.

Are the mistakes stupid because they're a result of sloppy work? Then they need instruction to review before they finish, and maybe time management help to make room for it. Are they stupid because they lack insight? Then the training needs to be there, as above. Is it a lack of effort? Then there needs to be a serious conversation - but not a snap back. A "we've talked about X but I am still seeing it, like in Y and Z. What are you doing to improve this? How can I help?"

People are often promoted to management because they are star performers. As a star, one is used to looking for credit and achievement and in some ways hoarding opportunities. Management is the absolute opposite, and that's a hard transition! But their work isn't work you're aiming to be better at - their work is YOUR work and an indication of how well you're doing in many ways. That's scary and hard, so I understand the temptation to snap or get frustrated. (And sometimes a stern reminder comes across as bitchy when done by a woman which is a special form of awfulness. Extra needles to thread there.) But the ideas above to take a breath and look at patterns and opportunities instead of problems are good ones, and very important - for you, and for your team. Best of luck.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 9:02 AM on May 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

Your job is to provide resources, information, and training. It is literally your job to help avoid stupid questions and mistakes. I don't recommend being angry at yourself, but it's more rational than snapping at these people.

Need training? Help them get it. Can you train them yourself?

Stupid questions about making widgets? Create an information sheet of common questions. Or a guide to determine widget size. Better yet, a spreadsheet that automatically determine widget size.

See stupid questions as a guide to what you should be doing. It's valuable you are getting this feedback from your employees, so thank them.
posted by Kalmya at 9:05 AM on May 10, 2018 [6 favorites]

Drop the attitude that their poor training is not your problem and train them to do their jobs.
posted by jbenben at 9:49 AM on May 10, 2018 [3 favorites]

Are your reports asking their questions at inopportune times?
If so, create opportune times for them to approach with questions. You can ask them to jot down their questions and not interrupt you during X times (when I have heaphones in, when my door is closed, when I'm with a client, etc). Have them save up all non-emergency questions for times when you check in with them- and then set yourself an alarm to check in with them 4x / day or whatever.

Are the questions repetitive?
Ask them to take notes when you answer. If they keep asking, respectfully say something like "we did go over this the other day. I'd like us to do one last really thorough walkthrough of this procedure, you ask any questions & take notes, and then hopefully this part of the job will feel clear going forward."

Are your reports being overly tentative because they're afraid of making a mistake? (If you've snapped at them, this is likely)
"Lately I've been feeling a bit stretched and I think it's led me to be hard on you a few times. That's my fault, not yours, and I'm sorry. I want you to know that I value intelligent risk-taking and independence.
So in [non-dire, low-stakes] situations, I'd like you to proceed with your best guess, and if there are issues, we'll work them out.
In [important, customer-facing, safety-related, etc] situations, though, it's totally fine to keep asking questions and proceeding with caution, because we do need to "get it right" when the stakes are higher."
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:41 AM on May 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

Pay attention to what you are saying when you snap also. I had a boss that "snapped" and said he would fire me if something didn't happen the way he wanted. Later in the conversation he apologized for snapping but did not apologize for threatening to fire me. During that conversation I decided right then and there that I would be leaving on my own if he didn't fire me outright. Within a year I had found another job and left.

If you are making threats or saying hurtful things please make it clear to your employees what your real feeling are after you have calmed down.
posted by Justin Case at 10:58 AM on May 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

You are blaming the person not the situation for their inability to do the task.

GRPPI model:
Problems are because
- goals are unclear or misunderstood
- roles are unclear or misunderstood
- processes / procedures are unclear or misunderstood
- (tools / software / knowledge training - my add)

When all above are exhausted then it's
- the Individual (aka personal coaching time. )
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:07 PM on May 10, 2018 [4 favorites]

The reason that you think these questions are stupid and they don't is that you know more than they do, and that's why you're their manager. It's your job to help them know it. In fact, your job now may well be far less about the content and far more about how you help these staff members know enough to perform well. Maybe reframe things for yourself such that handling these questions well, and addressing the underlying causes, are key components of your job that you want to excel in.
posted by salvia at 12:30 PM on May 10, 2018

If you're unable to have them trained appropriately in order to do the job adequately (never mind successfully), then lower your expectations and tell your own manager to lower theirs until proper training can be acquired.

Part of your job as a manager is, in fact, to have your employees' backs for when things are beyond their control. Inadequate training is beyond their control, so have their backs on that and every time there is a "stupid" mistake, point out to YOUR supervisor how x-training could have helped to prevent said mistake because it covered exactly that matter. But since x-training isn't possible, c'est la vie and that mistake, among others, will continue to happen until there is training.

And if you'd rather be annoyed with your reports than advocate for them, then, frankly, you shouldn't be a manager.
posted by zizzle at 1:18 PM on May 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

"There are no stupid questions, only stupid answers"- Someone somewhere.

So-called stupid questions are potentially a great source of information, the askers are telling what they don't know or where they need help!

So you could 1. Reframe their behavior and 2. Ask yourself whether having a short temper or an unwanted, reflexive reaction is caused by pressure, anxiety or whatever, is there anything you can do for yourself to help with that? (Speaking as a fellow sufferer this may be easier said than done, worth a try though.)
posted by Coaticass at 1:21 PM on May 10, 2018

I think characterizing their behavior as "stupid" is your first mistake. Untrained does not equal "stupid." If a task requires training, by definition an untrained person doing it wrong is not "stupid."

We're all untrained in something. A programmer who can't change engine oil is no more or less "stupid" than an auto mechanic who can't upgrade RAM.

Start thinking of how you can help them, and by extension yourself, instead of calling them "stupid."
posted by cnc at 2:34 PM on May 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

Here’s a few things to consider. If they didn’t need support, you wouldn’t have a job, and who knows, if you aren’t assisting them and actively making their life harder and they complain about it, eventually you might not have one. What’s more I’ve been in a few situations where an underling has eventually risen to become their manager’s boss and the tables are turned. How do you think that might work out in your situation? I’ve also been recommended for jobs through people who once worked under me. Guess what my relationship with them was like?

Now all of these things are how your attitude to them might come back to affect you. But ultimately, the main reason you should be a decent person and treat them with respect is because it’s the right thing to do. You know it. So just do it.
posted by Jubey at 2:50 PM on May 10, 2018

My emotions are quite quick to take off in various situations, and doing some simple mindfulness meditation (I use an app) has really helped me by providing a sort of buffer before I open my mouth and do some potential damage.

You learn to weigh in on how you feel/why it might be irritating/frustrating/other, and sort of bridle your primary urge to be negative and maybe approach the situation with curiosity or humor instead? either way, I'm stoked you've decided to work on it - it's not easy!
posted by speakeasy at 9:32 PM on May 10, 2018

My supervisor snaps at me when I make “stupid” mistakes because she has great attention to detail and would never get the basics wrong. What seems hard for her to understand is that attention to detail, while essential for my role, is a learned skill for me and one I could do better at. I make the “stupid” mistakes despite doing my best because I’m still learning the skills needed to excel at my role. I wish she would realise I’m doing my best regardless of the erratic performance and have faith that I’ll get better with time. I ask “stupid” questions sometimes if I’m uncertain (my confidence is low and gets worse when she snaps) because I’d rather just confirm than make yet another mistake or cos I am tired and not really thinking clearly after a day/week/month of working so much off my weaknesses.
posted by EatMyHat at 2:45 AM on May 11, 2018

When I have found myself doing that the reasons come down to the following:

- I have x other things on my to do list that are time sensitive and required to go to my bosses or my clients and questions are preventing me from getting on with these things

- I review work really late and it takes forever because person failed to do even basic self-review and I find gaps that I now need to resolve by yesterday

- questions that could have been answered by the wider team come to me, i.e. I am not the only knowledgeable person and any number of people less high in the hierarchy could have answered the question and it would have been more appropriate to talk to those other people

- questions that have been answered multiple times before keep coming up

Now the good news is that most of that can be managed by training and expectation setting and by managing your own time and managing upwards. That way you have time to do the other aspects of your job and you have not over promised.

Also, if you are the sort of person who has learned a lot by paying attention to what’s going on around you, the sort of person who just ‘has a go’, likes to or is at least able to figure out stuff by yourself - recognise that a lot of people can’t or won’t do that. At the very least they need you to model troubleshooting a problem a few times before they can start to do that themselves and need less help. Some never learn or do not want to learn or to take that much ownership.

And sometimes you just need to spell out your other commitments - you need to finish a report in the next hr or by noon - your team member gets directed to somebody else for help. Or you have been in back to back meetings since arriving at work at 7.45 am and it is now 2pm - you will assist them in half an hr, they get asked to complete another task until you’re able to help them. In the meantime you go into a meeting room and hide to finish your report, take a few minutes to decompress and eat your lunch or whatever. But you do not relieve the pressure you feel by snapping at people.

Finally, people do not generally do this to annoy you, always assume obliviousness. All this should be like water running off a duck’s back. To an extent this will always happen, even with clear expectations and a well trained team because stuff happens. So you allow time for it, it’s part of your job.
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:28 AM on May 11, 2018

Change your username?

And don't think there's anything gracious about putting the qualifier "admittedly" before untrained. I don't know how you ended in a leadership role with people who aren't trained, but it your actual job to make sure they have the training they need.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:40 AM on May 11, 2018 [2 favorites]