strength in solitude? or weakness?

May 4, 2018 7:26 PM

I do a lot of work that is by turns intensely solitary and intensely collaborative creative work. While I love the solitude, it gets a little lonely. I can't figure out whether I should push through the loneliness (because it will make me stronger) or seek out more social interaction (to make the problem go away). Thoughts?

I'm a CS grad student, so I know that research is collaborative. In addition, I already work with an unusually large team of people (all of whom I like a lot). I also do a lot of other creative work outside of research, some of which is collaborations with other artists, some of which is solo.

No matter how many people I'm working with, sometimes it just comes down to me in front of a computer, or in front of a whiteboard, or in front of a clipboard, writing and working out questions and answers, eight or more hours a day. Like, that's what intense creative work is. You can't hack it at a cocktail party.

This life is starting to wear on me. I'm going a little crazy having to focus so hard in my room or my office by myself, and it's a bit of a downer. I suspect I'm unusually extroverted for a computer scientist (e.g. I enjoy social events and organize them for the department), but that might not tell you much. I also like myself and am generally quite happy working with myself, and I know that solitude is a luxury.

So, I'm wondering whether, like Thoreau, I should lean into the solitude and "build character" because I love my job otherwise and am not going to quit. Or maybe this is a warning sign of burnout, and I should go into emergency "seek out as many coffee dates as possible" mode. Or maybe do both? For example, I often skip social events to concentrate on my work, then I get annoyed at myself for having an empty calendar.

I have a pretty good social life, but it could certainly be better, e.g. I currently live alone, but will be moving in with friends and getting a cat in a few months. For ergonomics reasons, I prefer not to work in spaces like cafés and libraries. Also, I have very specific interests, so my good friends who share those interests tend to be very geographically spread out. We correspond often online, but I don't get a ton of face time with them unless I'm in town. I don't have a lot of local friends with a "casual co-working" relationship (I did a lot of that in undergrad, but grad students tend to not do that). Incidentally, the solitude problem was almost nonexistent when I lived in different cities with various intentional communities with a lot of people who work the way I do, but unfortunately I haven't been able to find any that are a good fit locally.

I'd be quite curious to hear about how other mathematicians, computer scientists, writers, artists, etc. cope with the mental strain of doing intensely solitary creative work. I know that people like Erdős, von Neumann, and Feynman were famously social extroverts, for example.

posted by icosahedron to Human Relations (10 answers total)

You’re not curing cancer. It is ridiculous to burn yourself out by not meeting your own emotional and social needs. If your psyche is telling you that you need some company and human interaction, then that’s what you need to do. “Pushing through” is for when you have to meet a deadline that comes up in a few days or a week. It is not healthy to try to sustain it for weeks or months on end.

You don’t need to lock yourself in a room with a whiteboard and work by yourself 8 hours a day. You can do it 5 or 6 hours a day, and spend the other 3 working on other stuff with coworkers to break it up a bit.

We know how a lot of creatives cope with the strain of doing intense creative work in a solitary environment—they develop substance abuse problems and then die.

Take care of yourself. Your health and career depend on you finding a healthy balance between work and life. If you’re not happy and feeling shitty, that’s how you know it’s off balance.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:46 PM on May 4, 2018

" sometimes it just comes down to me in front of a computer,".... My first instinct is to think, "of course it comes down to you and a computer -- how else do you convince the supersonic simpleton to do your bidding other than by long hours of extremely careful and painstaking instruction of the electronic beast?" This is what I've done my whole career, but, I am an introvert by nature, so this was more or less acceptable, sometimes even preferable to me. But, to accomplish great things, you need to put in the time doing it, or if you don't want to spend so much time, then you're going to have to be so goddamn smart that it doesn't take you very long, so you're fast at it -- like the people whose names you mention. If, like most people, you're not a Feynman, this may not be a viable option. In which case, yeah, you're going to have to spend a lot of time with the computer to get results. Or, get into management, or at least some sort of "team lead" position, and leverage other people as a force multiplier -- i.e. if you have a clear idea of what needs to be done, how to do it, and can easily communicate this to others, it is not necessary that you do every single bit of programming yourself. If you can lay out the big picture plan in enough detail that you can get other people (perhaps of less skill, or maybe just people of less managerial bent) to do the various different parts that can then be brought together under your direction -- this combines your people/socializing skills with technical skills in a way that lots of otherwise very smart and capable people aren't quite able to do (or very much do not like to do), in a way that is very valuable and effective. This is the difference between a "senior" person and a junior or journeyman person -- the ability to leverage other people as a force multiplier. You need to be good at and crave social interaction to be good at leveraging other people (OTOH, if you aren't good at social interaction, trying to lead a team can be an exercise in misery.)
posted by smcameron at 8:13 PM on May 4, 2018

I should lean into the solitude and "build character" because I love my job otherwise

No. That's not virtuous. You can adapt to the conditions necessary for you to get your job done, but that doesn't mean that they have to dictate the way you live the rest of your life.

Wanting to seek out social interaction from time to time doesn't make you not an introvert or unsuited to a solitary pursuit like research. It's normal to want some people in your life as activity partners or moving helpers or commiserators.

Also, maybe I'm projecting here a bit, but I think you'll find this a lot easier if you tune out black-and-white thinkers who believe that people with sufficient social skills to maintain relationships "extroverts" can't tolerate their own company.
posted by blerghamot at 1:09 AM on May 5, 2018

Contrary to what I read all the time here on Metafilter, introvert / extrovert has nothing to do with being antisocial / social, but has to do with where one derives his or her energy from. You can be an extrovert and enjoy lonely pursuits just as many introverts can be social butterflies.

In your case, work-life balance is what you need... and lack!
posted by Kwadeng at 2:49 AM on May 5, 2018

If you're hurting for social, seek it out and satisfy your needs. You aren't getting stronger or better denying yourself.
posted by ominous_paws at 4:02 AM on May 5, 2018

It is very unlikely to get easier or better if you try to grit your teeth and push through, you're more likely to just make yourself ill over time. If you can get enough human contact outside your job to make continuing with it feasible it makes no sense not to do this.

As for how others cope with intensely solitary creative work - I stopped and switched careers before it broke me entirely, which is obviously not a point you want to get to if it can be avoided.
posted by Otto the Magnificent at 5:38 AM on May 5, 2018

Do both!
posted by lokta at 5:53 AM on May 5, 2018

Co-working was a big part of my graduate program - I'd regularly meet people for silent writing sessions at coffee shops or bars or in the graduate computer lab. I'm a postdoc now, the only one in my department, and one of the hardest parts for me is the constant sense of isolation while I'm working. I have a weekly reservation for a conference room on campus and I've e-mailed the postdoc association and said anyone who wants to work with other people around is welcome. I get a few people every week, and it keeps me from feeling too isolated and helps build a small community. I'm sure you're not the only person who occasionally needs to work with other people around - is there a department seminar room you can reserve for a few hours a week?
posted by ChuraChura at 6:30 AM on May 5, 2018

So, I'm wondering whether, like Thoreau, I should lean into the solitude and "build character" because I love my job otherwise and am not going to quit. Or maybe this is a warning sign of burnout, and I should go into emergency "seek out as many coffee dates as possible" mode.

Surely there must be a possible middle ground, rather than feeling you have to choose one of those extremes? Book a few more coffee dates, and see if you can cut back a little on the solo working.

I recommend this all the time on AskMe, but that's because it's so good: Give Liz Gilbert's Ted Talk a watch. It might not give you ideas on specifically how to improve things in the parameters of your own situation, but it's very good at debunking the whole "We must suffer to be creative" nonsense that often builds up in these situations.
posted by penguin pie at 4:38 PM on May 5, 2018

No. The cliche these days is “work-life balance” and it’s up to you to find that.

Never ever lose friends because you give too much to a job. The analog is starting dating someone and losing touch with all your friends. Then you and that person break up or you lose your job and you have no support system or real life to fall back on.
posted by bendy at 10:50 PM on May 5, 2018