How do I like men again?
April 27, 2018 2:34 PM
I'm bi, but the straight part of me has gone on hiatus. I'd like it back so that my relationship with my opposite-sex partner doesn't fall apart. Help?
I'm a bisexual cis woman who's been in a committed relationship with a cis man for years. I still like women, but I've never felt like I'm missing out on anything (more than any straight person in a monogamous relationship) because I'm with a man -- I had plenty of varied sex when I was single; the deal with monogamy is that you only get to sleep with one person, my one person happens to be male, and that's fine.
Until recently. For a while now, I have not been interested in men. At all. I love my partner and we have always had a great sex life, and I can still get into sex eventually, but it is nowhere near as satisfying for me as it used to be, and I know I am initiating less frequently. The sex is as good as it's ever been, it's just not the sex I want -- I can't get in the right headspace. All of my fantasies are about women; all of my porn consumption is queer. I notice attractive women all the time, but men are either invisible or actively unappealing. Thinking about male bodies in the abstract is weird and not exciting. I've tried to watch/read straight porn again and it does absolutely nothing for me and sometimes makes me uncomfortable -- I can't sit with the power dynamics like I used to, I think.
Which might be the problem. I am confronted daily with the shittiness of men. They are shitty in person and they are shitty on the news, and I think it's starting to impact my interest in having sex with the non-shitty, really wonderful man that I usually love having sex with. It's the only thing I can think of -- there isn't another woman, I adore my partner, and I've never experienced something like this before (I'm not saying that my interest in men vs. women never waxes or wanes, but historically, presented with an opportunity to hook up with an attractive person of whatever gender, it was not at all difficult to get into it).
So...what do I DO? I did not expect to have to re-navigate my sexuality in my 30s. I am not enjoying it. Does this happen to other bi folks or is something wrong with me? Will it eventually go away on its own? Is there some mental trick I can use to convince my lizard brain that men are attractive again? (I don't want an open relationship. I don't want to end my relationship.)
I'm a bisexual cis woman who's been in a committed relationship with a cis man for years. I still like women, but I've never felt like I'm missing out on anything (more than any straight person in a monogamous relationship) because I'm with a man -- I had plenty of varied sex when I was single; the deal with monogamy is that you only get to sleep with one person, my one person happens to be male, and that's fine.
Until recently. For a while now, I have not been interested in men. At all. I love my partner and we have always had a great sex life, and I can still get into sex eventually, but it is nowhere near as satisfying for me as it used to be, and I know I am initiating less frequently. The sex is as good as it's ever been, it's just not the sex I want -- I can't get in the right headspace. All of my fantasies are about women; all of my porn consumption is queer. I notice attractive women all the time, but men are either invisible or actively unappealing. Thinking about male bodies in the abstract is weird and not exciting. I've tried to watch/read straight porn again and it does absolutely nothing for me and sometimes makes me uncomfortable -- I can't sit with the power dynamics like I used to, I think.
Which might be the problem. I am confronted daily with the shittiness of men. They are shitty in person and they are shitty on the news, and I think it's starting to impact my interest in having sex with the non-shitty, really wonderful man that I usually love having sex with. It's the only thing I can think of -- there isn't another woman, I adore my partner, and I've never experienced something like this before (I'm not saying that my interest in men vs. women never waxes or wanes, but historically, presented with an opportunity to hook up with an attractive person of whatever gender, it was not at all difficult to get into it).
So...what do I DO? I did not expect to have to re-navigate my sexuality in my 30s. I am not enjoying it. Does this happen to other bi folks or is something wrong with me? Will it eventually go away on its own? Is there some mental trick I can use to convince my lizard brain that men are attractive again? (I don't want an open relationship. I don't want to end my relationship.)
Can you focus on this one person, as a person, not automatically assigning a gender? Stop labelling your partner as a man and focus on all the things that you feel for them that aren’t gender related?
posted by seanmpuckett at 2:48 PM on April 27, 2018
posted by seanmpuckett at 2:48 PM on April 27, 2018
You don't need to enjoy men. Just the one you're with, if you're trying to stay monogamous. Try thinking of the ways that your partner is the opposite of shitty. Making a list internally of his great qualities, the things he does for you, the actions that separate him from the shittiness of what you have been seeing about men.
Also, have you considered gender bending sex play with your partner such as pegging? (A Google search for that is likely to be NSFW in case that isn't obvious.) That can open up your experience of gender such that it may freshen it up for you in a variety of ways.
posted by crunchy potato at 3:02 PM on April 27, 2018
Also, have you considered gender bending sex play with your partner such as pegging? (A Google search for that is likely to be NSFW in case that isn't obvious.) That can open up your experience of gender such that it may freshen it up for you in a variety of ways.
posted by crunchy potato at 3:02 PM on April 27, 2018
Does this happen to other bi folks or is something wrong with me?
Ever since the election and the #metoo stuff, this 30-year-old bi woman (unpartnered) has been trying to figure out if her label should be "actually gay and just now realizing it" or simply "bi but exhausted by the very concept of dating a man." Other bi women I know have mentioned similar things. Definitely not just you.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:03 PM on April 27, 2018
Ever since the election and the #metoo stuff, this 30-year-old bi woman (unpartnered) has been trying to figure out if her label should be "actually gay and just now realizing it" or simply "bi but exhausted by the very concept of dating a man." Other bi women I know have mentioned similar things. Definitely not just you.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:03 PM on April 27, 2018
Aw heck, I think you are going to find a BUNCH of bi women are struggling with this presently (hi, it me!), and it is a confusing, painful, messy experience you are having & I want to validate the shit out of it. With the volume & intensity of vile men in the news (and in our offices, the street, and oh right everywhere) it'd be weirder if we had NO reaction! Desire is so malleable (for me, for some others probs!).
Acknowledging that & talking about it with others who are in a similar situation makes it way less catastrophic, and more of a... blip of time in yr life that'll probs change over time. Even if there are no easy answers, I hope knowing that yr not alone is at least helpful. It helped me to just see your question, so thank you <3 I have other things to say but please me-mail me if you wanna jam about further!!
posted by crawfo at 3:08 PM on April 27, 2018
Acknowledging that & talking about it with others who are in a similar situation makes it way less catastrophic, and more of a... blip of time in yr life that'll probs change over time. Even if there are no easy answers, I hope knowing that yr not alone is at least helpful. It helped me to just see your question, so thank you <3 I have other things to say but please me-mail me if you wanna jam about further!!
posted by crawfo at 3:08 PM on April 27, 2018
It might help to reevaluate your non-porn media consumption? Just like how studies show that a woman's self esteem rises when she stops consuming fashion magazines, perhaps there is something going on with how you get your news that you could dial down. Just one idea.
posted by purple_bird at 3:24 PM on April 27, 2018
posted by purple_bird at 3:24 PM on April 27, 2018
I think I might be going through something like this too and it's a relief to see that there are others for whom this question resonates. I've long identified as bisexual but have been considering whether I might be just gay for the past six or seven months (though it's been a possibility I've shoved to the back of my mind for much longer than that). I guess the difference for me is that I've never felt romantically attracted to men or drawn to men's bodies and can't really imagine being in a relationship with a man. It's definitely gone from disinterest to actual aversion over the past six or seven months though.
There's plenty of evidence that bisexual women's sexuality can be fluid and respond to cues in the environment. I would recommend Lisa Diamond's Sexual Fluidity. It was helpful for me. It does contain a number of stories of women who do not feel any attraction to men generally but are attracted to their male partners.
posted by armadillo1224 at 3:29 PM on April 27, 2018
There's plenty of evidence that bisexual women's sexuality can be fluid and respond to cues in the environment. I would recommend Lisa Diamond's Sexual Fluidity. It was helpful for me. It does contain a number of stories of women who do not feel any attraction to men generally but are attracted to their male partners.
posted by armadillo1224 at 3:29 PM on April 27, 2018
Another one validating your feelings; I was honestly just getting comfortable with my queerness and then it just kind of happened that I started dating a man. And I’ve had a lot of surprising feelings about that, and even though he’s a “good one” there’s still a lot that he just doesn’t get and right now especially it feels very difficult. And it most certainly affects how I’m feeling about even being in the relationship.
I don’t have a whole lot of practical advice on this, except maybe seconding the advice to remember that you chose this person and you like them, no matter what body they’re in.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 3:37 PM on April 27, 2018
I don’t have a whole lot of practical advice on this, except maybe seconding the advice to remember that you chose this person and you like them, no matter what body they’re in.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 3:37 PM on April 27, 2018
So...what do I DO?
In terms of the societal influences, I'd start with a very strict news, social media and MeFi (sorry!) diet and be very selective about who you surround yourself with when you have a choice. I have a lot of issues with typical male bullshit, but men, as in all men, aren't any more evil than all white people or all Muslims.
One thing that helped me at least some, was pushing news out of already limited my social media and following people instead. I have to go looking for news, which means that only happens a couple times per day, instead of all day, every day.
posted by cnc at 3:55 PM on April 27, 2018
In terms of the societal influences, I'd start with a very strict news, social media and MeFi (sorry!) diet and be very selective about who you surround yourself with when you have a choice. I have a lot of issues with typical male bullshit, but men, as in all men, aren't any more evil than all white people or all Muslims.
One thing that helped me at least some, was pushing news out of already limited my social media and following people instead. I have to go looking for news, which means that only happens a couple times per day, instead of all day, every day.
posted by cnc at 3:55 PM on April 27, 2018
I know it's cliché, but this sounds like something that might be worth exploring in therapy. On your own at first, and then as a couple if it seems warranted. It really sounds like you're processing a lot of stuff that's not directly related to your partner but which is affecting your relationship with him. I think that working through that in an open-ended way with the guidance of a neutral professional might be worthwhile.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:02 PM on April 27, 2018
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:02 PM on April 27, 2018
Have you spoken about this with your dude? If you haven’t, you might find that talking about it destigmatizes the feelings you are having and removes any self-reinforcing shame you may be feeling for keeping it a secret.
posted by lieber hair at 4:13 PM on April 27, 2018
posted by lieber hair at 4:13 PM on April 27, 2018
Wow, I'm glad I'm not the only one.
I'm not sure it's a definite answer since my own desire is still kind of baseline shitty from antidepressants, but I found hetero porn to be actively unhelpful. The only things that helped were really sappy, romantic, not-explicit media, the kind that make you feel all misty-eyed about love in the abstract. That helped me feel okay with the concept of romance, and then romance with my spouse, the person, and then being sexual with said spouse. YMMV. Also, making a point to fill my social life and media diet with queer content and my queer friends, so the fact that my spouse fundamentally can't understand certain experiences feels like less of a yawning hole in life.
I dunno, it's hard. Definitely watching this thread. But you're not alone.
posted by bowtiesarecool at 4:15 PM on April 27, 2018
I'm not sure it's a definite answer since my own desire is still kind of baseline shitty from antidepressants, but I found hetero porn to be actively unhelpful. The only things that helped were really sappy, romantic, not-explicit media, the kind that make you feel all misty-eyed about love in the abstract. That helped me feel okay with the concept of romance, and then romance with my spouse, the person, and then being sexual with said spouse. YMMV. Also, making a point to fill my social life and media diet with queer content and my queer friends, so the fact that my spouse fundamentally can't understand certain experiences feels like less of a yawning hole in life.
I dunno, it's hard. Definitely watching this thread. But you're not alone.
posted by bowtiesarecool at 4:15 PM on April 27, 2018
I'm a woman who's bi and genderqueer and I feel this to some degree too, and for me, at least, it's not happening because my baseline level of attraction to women actually increased. I find attraction to men in general right now to come with a lot of internal conflicts and caveats—even with male friends I like and whose company I delight in, even with my husband, I find myself with far less patience now overall for behavior and outlooks that are stereotypically male, or limited in perspective and understanding in typically male ways, especially typically cis white male ways. And that affects my level of attraction. It's hard to be attracted to someone you can't trust to be on your side or even hear what you're saying accurately, even when they say they want with all their heart to be on your side, because their unexamined socialized behavior too often says otherwise and puts you in second place to the man as protagonist. Whose story are we writing with our interactions? Too often, I find the answer puts us on uneven footing.
When I read this post earlier this week, for instance, it sparked a whole set of thoughts about ways even men I'm attracted to can have perspective issues, how even when they're trying their hardest to be woke and aware, testosterone-fueled self-assuredness and societal privilege can combine to put even the sweetest man in a mental space I hate. It was just earlier this week that a dear friend was, I realized later after I thought through my discomfort during a conversation, mansplaining to me about social-justice issues, 'cause in trying to police his own perspective he also ended up dictating to me the terms of engagement (e.g., suggesting that a sex-positive comic I love and whose writers are, yes, cis white men is too much from that perspective for him to enjoy, when I'm the queer woman in the room and I nonetheless enjoy the hell out of it, and I've liked the journey of discovery the writers are on with their audience). There was more in that conversation that felt the same way, where I was just trying to be heard—in fact to be very candid about difficulties I'm facing in my life and relationships right now, in part because of some of these issues—yet in trying so hard to consider things from a social-justice perspective, my friend wasn't fully considering my perspective as a woman affected by a man's choices. It gets complex. I wrote a whole bunch about it to myself and then had to just set it aside, because it got too frustrating to think about, and I also want to think the best of the well-meaning men I know, to enjoy interaction and even attraction in a less fraught mental space. I don't want to overthink it all. And yet...
I'm still in the headspace you're in, to some degree. I was just thinking earlier about how fraught relationships feel in general to me right now; I just tweeted about it a couple hours ago, wondering whether relationships can ever be the thing I want them to be when I see so easily the patterns, those dumb little things it seems like a lot of men unthinkingly do, the things that guy friends do that remind me of my father's way of living, the things that guys I've been attracted to do that remind me of each other. Will those things always be a blocker to my happiness with any man? I don't know. I return to the fact that keeping an open mind is important, even when some patterns of behavior and microaggressions are recognizable in men I otherwise love dearly. Intent isn't everything, but I believe it does matter, and I try to reflect that.
And yes, like bowtiesarecool, basically watching romantic comedies or reading stories that include an aspect of romance are what's doing it for me right now. They can be hard to watch sometimes, too, though, because there are so many gendered norms baked into those types of stories. But sigh, can't throw everything out that I like or wakes my body up just because it's not fully representing my perspective. What I am, like cnc, like Patricia Lockwood, like many of my poet and artist friends these days, it seems like, is very selective about the stories I choose to bring into my life right now.
I hope you find some comfort here in the fact that a lot of us feel this way right now and are grappling with this—it's definitely not just you!
posted by limeonaire at 4:34 PM on April 27, 2018
When I read this post earlier this week, for instance, it sparked a whole set of thoughts about ways even men I'm attracted to can have perspective issues, how even when they're trying their hardest to be woke and aware, testosterone-fueled self-assuredness and societal privilege can combine to put even the sweetest man in a mental space I hate. It was just earlier this week that a dear friend was, I realized later after I thought through my discomfort during a conversation, mansplaining to me about social-justice issues, 'cause in trying to police his own perspective he also ended up dictating to me the terms of engagement (e.g., suggesting that a sex-positive comic I love and whose writers are, yes, cis white men is too much from that perspective for him to enjoy, when I'm the queer woman in the room and I nonetheless enjoy the hell out of it, and I've liked the journey of discovery the writers are on with their audience). There was more in that conversation that felt the same way, where I was just trying to be heard—in fact to be very candid about difficulties I'm facing in my life and relationships right now, in part because of some of these issues—yet in trying so hard to consider things from a social-justice perspective, my friend wasn't fully considering my perspective as a woman affected by a man's choices. It gets complex. I wrote a whole bunch about it to myself and then had to just set it aside, because it got too frustrating to think about, and I also want to think the best of the well-meaning men I know, to enjoy interaction and even attraction in a less fraught mental space. I don't want to overthink it all. And yet...
I'm still in the headspace you're in, to some degree. I was just thinking earlier about how fraught relationships feel in general to me right now; I just tweeted about it a couple hours ago, wondering whether relationships can ever be the thing I want them to be when I see so easily the patterns, those dumb little things it seems like a lot of men unthinkingly do, the things that guy friends do that remind me of my father's way of living, the things that guys I've been attracted to do that remind me of each other. Will those things always be a blocker to my happiness with any man? I don't know. I return to the fact that keeping an open mind is important, even when some patterns of behavior and microaggressions are recognizable in men I otherwise love dearly. Intent isn't everything, but I believe it does matter, and I try to reflect that.
And yes, like bowtiesarecool, basically watching romantic comedies or reading stories that include an aspect of romance are what's doing it for me right now. They can be hard to watch sometimes, too, though, because there are so many gendered norms baked into those types of stories. But sigh, can't throw everything out that I like or wakes my body up just because it's not fully representing my perspective. What I am, like cnc, like Patricia Lockwood, like many of my poet and artist friends these days, it seems like, is very selective about the stories I choose to bring into my life right now.
I hope you find some comfort here in the fact that a lot of us feel this way right now and are grappling with this—it's definitely not just you!
posted by limeonaire at 4:34 PM on April 27, 2018
Ever since the election and the #metoo stuff, this 30-year-old bi woman (unpartnered) has been trying to figure out if her label should be "actually gay and just now realizing it" or simply "bi but exhausted by the very concept of dating a man." Other bi women I know have mentioned similar things. Definitely not just you.
Hard same. I've begun identifying as a lesbian in the past few months, and have thought this exact thing a lot.
That said -- I'm sorry. This sounds so hard, and I'm so sorry you're going through this pain. I think the advice to limit media/news consumption will help. You don't have to ignore the issue, but severely limiting the deluge of stories and talking heads about it could help you focus on this very good man in your life. Porn-wise -- how do you feel about fanfiction? I've found that it (at least has the potential to be) a very clear-eyed, tender portrayal of both men, and hetero relationships. And, of course, talking with him, once you find the right words. This might be something good for couples' therapy rather than entirely on your own, though.
posted by kalimac at 4:39 PM on April 27, 2018
Hard same. I've begun identifying as a lesbian in the past few months, and have thought this exact thing a lot.
That said -- I'm sorry. This sounds so hard, and I'm so sorry you're going through this pain. I think the advice to limit media/news consumption will help. You don't have to ignore the issue, but severely limiting the deluge of stories and talking heads about it could help you focus on this very good man in your life. Porn-wise -- how do you feel about fanfiction? I've found that it (at least has the potential to be) a very clear-eyed, tender portrayal of both men, and hetero relationships. And, of course, talking with him, once you find the right words. This might be something good for couples' therapy rather than entirely on your own, though.
posted by kalimac at 4:39 PM on April 27, 2018
I totally get this. I think for me, talking to my (man) partner about exactly this really helped? Like, I needed him to know that sometimes I just need to say, "Men are trash" and not have to be like, "except you, sweetheart," and that I was probably going to be much more active and invested in queer culture just because I was so flipping sick of cishet men. He's been pretty great about it, honestly, and just knowing that he is supportive of my queerness is really important.
But yeah. It's definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY not just you, and many, many queer women I know who are partnered with dudes are experiencing something similar. Finding safe spaces to vent and talk about this and just being honest and patient is really one of the only things you can do. Love and support!
posted by superlibby at 4:55 PM on April 27, 2018
But yeah. It's definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY not just you, and many, many queer women I know who are partnered with dudes are experiencing something similar. Finding safe spaces to vent and talk about this and just being honest and patient is really one of the only things you can do. Love and support!
posted by superlibby at 4:55 PM on April 27, 2018
Does this happen to other bi folks or is something wrong with me?
In the past few years I went from "lifelong perfect Kinsey 3" to "100% gay as fuck unless various fictional male characters physically manifest naked in my home". I don't know how to change that back and I don't have the energy to try; I don't even know if I want to. The thought of trying to date a guy, now, in the grim fucking hellscape of 2018, is emotionally daunting as well as nauseating, because after everything that's gone on in the world lately, my tolerance for male bullshit simply no longer exists.
posted by poffin boffin at 5:20 PM on April 27, 2018
In the past few years I went from "lifelong perfect Kinsey 3" to "100% gay as fuck unless various fictional male characters physically manifest naked in my home". I don't know how to change that back and I don't have the energy to try; I don't even know if I want to. The thought of trying to date a guy, now, in the grim fucking hellscape of 2018, is emotionally daunting as well as nauseating, because after everything that's gone on in the world lately, my tolerance for male bullshit simply no longer exists.
posted by poffin boffin at 5:20 PM on April 27, 2018
If my husband somehow became a past-tense thing tomorrow I would identify as pansexual on paper but retired from men in practice. Sort of like how certain careers and hobbies, while certainly available to me, are not in my wheelhouse, neither are any additional men.
Talking to your partner is great if he's great, if for no other reason than surely he is worried about what the world is doing to you these days and would like to help.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:09 PM on April 27, 2018
Talking to your partner is great if he's great, if for no other reason than surely he is worried about what the world is doing to you these days and would like to help.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:09 PM on April 27, 2018
This isn’t just happening with queer women. I know a lot of het women who are having a hard time being attracted to men in 2018, because the men are just not really fighting that hard and even the best are still part trash.
Do you think your partner is capable of being talked to about this? Many aren’t, but if yours even might be sympathetic it might help. Like surely a sex break until the world gets right is not the worst thing?
posted by corb at 7:12 PM on April 27, 2018
Do you think your partner is capable of being talked to about this? Many aren’t, but if yours even might be sympathetic it might help. Like surely a sex break until the world gets right is not the worst thing?
posted by corb at 7:12 PM on April 27, 2018
It’s super not just you. I have been having this conversation with many bi/pan female friends over the past few years and we’re all getting queerer by the second. Which is, yeah, tricky with a male partner, for many of us.
I wish I had a good answer for you, but instead am just chiming in to say: you are not alone. Talking with your partner would be a good idea, if you can - if he’s a basically decent dude he’s hopefully in tune with you enough to sense you’re not quite where you were, and it’s probably better for the long term health of your relationship to have an honest conversation about why than to leave him wondering.
posted by Stacey at 8:36 PM on April 27, 2018
I wish I had a good answer for you, but instead am just chiming in to say: you are not alone. Talking with your partner would be a good idea, if you can - if he’s a basically decent dude he’s hopefully in tune with you enough to sense you’re not quite where you were, and it’s probably better for the long term health of your relationship to have an honest conversation about why than to leave him wondering.
posted by Stacey at 8:36 PM on April 27, 2018
I totally concur with everything everyone has said so far but this also seems like the kind of thing a sex therapist might be able to help out with.
posted by WidgetAlley at 8:58 PM on April 27, 2018
posted by WidgetAlley at 8:58 PM on April 27, 2018
Oh, I thought this was just me as well. I'm a het cis woman who's also started being unattracted to cis guys on and off for the last few years or so. For me it's definitely about what limonaire wrote above- microaggressions (even unintentional) taking its toll. Microaggressions tend to stack and amplify, and every echo of them from cis guys in my life carries the mental weight of all the grossness of all the other privileged cis dudes doing and saying similar things.
It helps for me to isolate myself away from the internet/news/people, and cultivate spaces/things in my life that my mind doesn't associate with gender or gender roles (for me: drawing, volunteering online), and where I'm interacting with zero cis dudes. Crucially though I'm able to work from home, so I'm not having to interact with guys generally in real life. As a pretty privileged person I typically avoid even social justicey places that are affirming (metafilter/tumblr/etc), because again it places me back into a headspace where gender(+roles) exists, which is not the tool I need right now for mind health maintenance. After letting the microaggression well drain out, I'm usually able to like and love and be attracted to cis men again.
posted by womb of things to be and tomb of things that were at 11:11 PM on April 27, 2018
It helps for me to isolate myself away from the internet/news/people, and cultivate spaces/things in my life that my mind doesn't associate with gender or gender roles (for me: drawing, volunteering online), and where I'm interacting with zero cis dudes. Crucially though I'm able to work from home, so I'm not having to interact with guys generally in real life. As a pretty privileged person I typically avoid even social justicey places that are affirming (metafilter/tumblr/etc), because again it places me back into a headspace where gender(+roles) exists, which is not the tool I need right now for mind health maintenance. After letting the microaggression well drain out, I'm usually able to like and love and be attracted to cis men again.
posted by womb of things to be and tomb of things that were at 11:11 PM on April 27, 2018
This is definitely not just happening with you. I'm exhausted and spend a lot of time feeling unsafe, both politically and practically. I am not in any way intending to diminish the extra layer of complexity involved for bisexual women, but just adding my voice to the chorus of "I too have a male partner and you are not alone."
posted by DarlingBri at 9:50 AM on April 28, 2018
posted by DarlingBri at 9:50 AM on April 28, 2018
Coming back to this thread, realizing as a bi cis female in a relationship with a man, this actually speaks to something I've felt deeply for quite some time. My partner tries, and aside from domestic shit he's actually pretty progressive about gender issues. But man, years and years of oppression for women, the incessant feeling of being every man's secretary, has taken its toll.
At the same time, I am trying to hang in there, because what's the alternative? Crone Island? What will it do to my son to be raised with the attitude that I am trying to figure out what to do with?
There is a layer of feeling that says "I don't actually want anything that you have, even if it isn't entirely your fault that you are still 'part trash'" as corb described.
I'm pretty isolated in my queerness, but did want to come back and say that I can relate on a personal level. As others have said, focusing on romance and heart connection has been helpful. But it's a daily process to neutralize or deal with the rage that comes up over all the shitty things that have been accepted and perpetuated for so long.
posted by crunchy potato at 10:20 AM on April 28, 2018
At the same time, I am trying to hang in there, because what's the alternative? Crone Island? What will it do to my son to be raised with the attitude that I am trying to figure out what to do with?
There is a layer of feeling that says "I don't actually want anything that you have, even if it isn't entirely your fault that you are still 'part trash'" as corb described.
I'm pretty isolated in my queerness, but did want to come back and say that I can relate on a personal level. As others have said, focusing on romance and heart connection has been helpful. But it's a daily process to neutralize or deal with the rage that comes up over all the shitty things that have been accepted and perpetuated for so long.
posted by crunchy potato at 10:20 AM on April 28, 2018
Another bi woman, married to a man for almost 17 years, chiming in to say that it's definitely not just you. I, too, am trying to hang in there.
posted by Ruki at 10:50 AM on April 28, 2018
posted by Ruki at 10:50 AM on April 28, 2018
What a lot of people here are describing is textbook prejudice, really. You see a lot of bad news stories that feature people who share an ethnicity or a gender or whatever, maybe you have some bad experiences with people from that group yourself, and you start thinking that maybe people from that group are all just bad somehow. And once the confirmation bias sets in, you can find lots and lots of "evidence" to support your idea that an entire group of people is trash. If lots and lots of other people are ready to support your prejudice, you may not even realize that you're prejudiced at all.
OP, I'm not trying to come down on you hard here. I don't think you're bad or crazy! Prejudice is a very common, very understandable thing. When you're bombarded with all this stuff about some men doing awful things, it's not so surprising it might start to affect how you see men in general. We're all guilty of our own prejudices, but it's something we have to fight.
Your partner is not Harvey Weinstein, or Bill Cosby. He is not part of the monolithic mass of Men. He is a person, the person you have chosen to be with, who happens to have a penis. You need to talk these feelings out honestly with him. Make it clear that the problem isn't him, but that all these tragic, gross news stories are really getting to you. Try to reconnect with each other as individuals, instead of seeing him as a representative of this group you've started to dislike.
All that being said, it's not rare for bisexuals to go through periods of stronger or weaker attraction to different sexes. I've certainly experienced that. When it happens I just try to enjoy it. Maybe try to think of this as a period of being more horny for ladies, instead of a period of just being less horny for men. If you're itching for some lady action, some gender-bend-y stuff with your partner might be fun. Whatever is going on here, if you love this guy, I'm betting you can ride this out.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 11:39 PM on April 28, 2018
OP, I'm not trying to come down on you hard here. I don't think you're bad or crazy! Prejudice is a very common, very understandable thing. When you're bombarded with all this stuff about some men doing awful things, it's not so surprising it might start to affect how you see men in general. We're all guilty of our own prejudices, but it's something we have to fight.
Your partner is not Harvey Weinstein, or Bill Cosby. He is not part of the monolithic mass of Men. He is a person, the person you have chosen to be with, who happens to have a penis. You need to talk these feelings out honestly with him. Make it clear that the problem isn't him, but that all these tragic, gross news stories are really getting to you. Try to reconnect with each other as individuals, instead of seeing him as a representative of this group you've started to dislike.
All that being said, it's not rare for bisexuals to go through periods of stronger or weaker attraction to different sexes. I've certainly experienced that. When it happens I just try to enjoy it. Maybe try to think of this as a period of being more horny for ladies, instead of a period of just being less horny for men. If you're itching for some lady action, some gender-bend-y stuff with your partner might be fun. Whatever is going on here, if you love this guy, I'm betting you can ride this out.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 11:39 PM on April 28, 2018
Would it be worth having a wallow in slash fiction featuring male characters you find appealing?
This serves up the tender with the hot in a way that helps me reconnect with the emotional space required for het sex, and reminds me how caring and fantastic and supportive and often sweet the men I've loved IRL have been.
posted by freya_lamb at 4:37 PM on April 29, 2018
This serves up the tender with the hot in a way that helps me reconnect with the emotional space required for het sex, and reminds me how caring and fantastic and supportive and often sweet the men I've loved IRL have been.
posted by freya_lamb at 4:37 PM on April 29, 2018
Another mostly hetero cis woman here, and this rings so true to me too. I just had the thought a few weeks ago, "I don't want to have sex." I totally have sexual feelings and orgasms (by myself, I am single), but the idea of having sex with a man is just...unappealing. I've never had sex with women before, and though I'm not against the idea it also doesn't really seem fair to put that on some unsuspecting lesbian just because I don't want to deal with men. I don't really have any advice for you but yeah, not just you.
posted by exceptinsects at 10:15 AM on April 30, 2018
posted by exceptinsects at 10:15 AM on April 30, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
I am confronted daily with the shittiness of men. They are shitty in person and they are shitty on the news, and I think it's starting to impact my interest in having sex with the non-shitty, really wonderful man that I usually love having sex with.
I am not even bisexual, I am completely heterosexual and I feel this way too. So much. SO much.
But women are sh*tty too.
posted by JenThePro at 2:48 PM on April 27, 2018