How to plan for children with my ADHD husband?
April 19, 2018 4:49 AM Subscribe
How should I approach deciding if / when to have children with a partner that has newly-diagnosed ADHD?
My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD. They believe it started in childhood and just wasn't diagnosed. We are relieved in some ways because it explains so much of the things that have been difficult in our relationship (and in most of his life). He is a wonderful, loving person who wants to use his life to help make the world be a better place and be a strong partner and father (eventually). But he has always had a hard time following through on a lot of the things he wants to do or commits to, even though he has the best of intentions. On a daily basis he forgets things big and small, gets really distracted from things he's working on if he's not in panic mode, and we've ended up in the dreaded parent-child dynamic where I'm keeping super close tabs on him. I'm working on stopping that in myself.
We are only at the beginning stages of him figuring out a treatment that works. Thankfully he is gung-ho with it and really eager to do as much as possible - try medication, get a counselor, etc. I know he will always be living with this, though.
This is coming right when we were going to start trying to have children. In fact we've been waiting for a few months while he got in to get the diagnosis.
But now, I'm wondering now about having children with a partner that has ADHD. I've read on a lot of forums that it is like having another child and that it can be really lonely and overwhelming for the non-ADHD partner. I don't want to hate my partner (or my life).
I'm also really wondering whether it makes sense to wait until he is further along with treatment before starting to try to conceive. I'm almost 36 so I am feeling the time pressure of my age and am trying to weigh starting now and possibly having enough time to try for three children, versus waiting. The idea of going through pregnancy while he is / we are still sorting out his ADHD feels like a lot; then again, I know that there is no miracle cure for ADHD so what would I really be waiting for anyway? We're going to have to figure out how to live well with this, one way or another. I am worried we'd just be wasting time while I wait for some sort of perfect situation that will never come.
My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD. They believe it started in childhood and just wasn't diagnosed. We are relieved in some ways because it explains so much of the things that have been difficult in our relationship (and in most of his life). He is a wonderful, loving person who wants to use his life to help make the world be a better place and be a strong partner and father (eventually). But he has always had a hard time following through on a lot of the things he wants to do or commits to, even though he has the best of intentions. On a daily basis he forgets things big and small, gets really distracted from things he's working on if he's not in panic mode, and we've ended up in the dreaded parent-child dynamic where I'm keeping super close tabs on him. I'm working on stopping that in myself.
We are only at the beginning stages of him figuring out a treatment that works. Thankfully he is gung-ho with it and really eager to do as much as possible - try medication, get a counselor, etc. I know he will always be living with this, though.
This is coming right when we were going to start trying to have children. In fact we've been waiting for a few months while he got in to get the diagnosis.
But now, I'm wondering now about having children with a partner that has ADHD. I've read on a lot of forums that it is like having another child and that it can be really lonely and overwhelming for the non-ADHD partner. I don't want to hate my partner (or my life).
I'm also really wondering whether it makes sense to wait until he is further along with treatment before starting to try to conceive. I'm almost 36 so I am feeling the time pressure of my age and am trying to weigh starting now and possibly having enough time to try for three children, versus waiting. The idea of going through pregnancy while he is / we are still sorting out his ADHD feels like a lot; then again, I know that there is no miracle cure for ADHD so what would I really be waiting for anyway? We're going to have to figure out how to live well with this, one way or another. I am worried we'd just be wasting time while I wait for some sort of perfect situation that will never come.
I wish I could be more optimistic for you. But my thoughts are, if you really really really want to have kids, and you’re willing to raise them on your own, then go for it. Otherwise I would give it about another year. Being sole financial support, as well as having to manage all the household things, is very tiring. And things that you’ll put up with for yourself suddenly become impossible when you watch the impact on your children.
I do completely believe that people with ADHD can make wonderful parents - they can engage with kids beautifully. But if daily life stuff isn’t together yet, that can take a marriage down. If you’re okay risking not having kids I would wait a bit.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:20 AM on April 19, 2018 [20 favorites]
I do completely believe that people with ADHD can make wonderful parents - they can engage with kids beautifully. But if daily life stuff isn’t together yet, that can take a marriage down. If you’re okay risking not having kids I would wait a bit.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:20 AM on April 19, 2018 [20 favorites]
I'm a parent with fairly recently diagnosed ADHD, but the situations are not really parallel. I was an at-least-equal contributor to household chores, finances, and parenting even before the diagnosis, part of which can probably be attributed to being a woman with all the (emotional and otherwise family-related) labor expectations and training that entails. What I can say is that treatment has helped me enormously, which clearly also benefits the family. While my contribution already was at a good level before, I'm now less stressed than I would be without treatment and better (not perfect) with less tangible contributions such as regulating emotions, for example. Dealing with all the demands is tough, even with treatment. Another wrinkle is that there's a genetic component to ADHD and depending on the extent and co-existing conditions, this can be really hard.
If I were you, I'd read up on parenting ADHD children, just in case. I'd also take at least some time to see whether/which medication would work for him* and to what extent, and think/discuss how much responsibility your husband can take to tackle the effects of his ADHD that affect you and potential children. What he can and is willing to do now to become a more equal partner, and give it some time to see how that works out, with or without treatment. And decide for yourself what you would do in the different scenarios.
*Luckily, with ADHD medication, the effect can be seen in a day, in contrast to antidepressants. It might still take some time to figure out the right medication and dosis, depending on how fast those can be changed, which in turn depends on the responsiveness of the prescribing care provider and on trying one medication/dosis combo long enough to eliminate confounding factors.
posted by meijusa at 5:51 AM on April 19, 2018
If I were you, I'd read up on parenting ADHD children, just in case. I'd also take at least some time to see whether/which medication would work for him* and to what extent, and think/discuss how much responsibility your husband can take to tackle the effects of his ADHD that affect you and potential children. What he can and is willing to do now to become a more equal partner, and give it some time to see how that works out, with or without treatment. And decide for yourself what you would do in the different scenarios.
*Luckily, with ADHD medication, the effect can be seen in a day, in contrast to antidepressants. It might still take some time to figure out the right medication and dosis, depending on how fast those can be changed, which in turn depends on the responsiveness of the prescribing care provider and on trying one medication/dosis combo long enough to eliminate confounding factors.
posted by meijusa at 5:51 AM on April 19, 2018
Are you prepared to handle children with ADHD? There is a genetic component to it. (I am an adoptive parent of twins who both have ADHD, and whose bio family has a strong family history of ADHD, so we knew it was a possibility when we accepted the match.) It can be hard and there is a lot of trial and error with medications, especially as children grow and their bodies' needs change (fortunately, there is testing now like Genesight which can help steer you towards the better options). We also do play-based therapy, and when they were younger they both did OT for sensory processing disorder, which is sometimes comorbid with ADHD. I just read this piece yesterday, and this was basically my life, but with two kids, before they were diagnosed and started treatment. Things are better now, and they are 9, so some of the issues are mellowing with age - but my kids have Combined type ADHD, so while the hyperactivity has decreased somewhat, the inattention piece continues to be an issue, especially with school work. I'm not saying don't have kids with someone who has ADHD, but you should definitely read up on the possibilities. (ADDitude has a lot of good information.) Your husband having ADHD may help him empathize with ADHD kid issues and handle them better than a parent with no experience with it.
posted by candyland at 6:16 AM on April 19, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by candyland at 6:16 AM on April 19, 2018 [9 favorites]
I have ADHD and am also on the anxiety/depression spectrum. What I can say is - if your husband is bought into the treatment process, then this will get better, however personally I would wait at least a year to see what changes.
The reality is - you do not have to have a perfect situation to have kids, but you do need a better situation than no job, working on education, and only marginally able to be responsible for things around the house. Medication and counselling will help set the table but your husband will have to take all this progress and turn it into concrete change and action. That's not always just ADHD, but also requires a commitment to equality in your marriage and getting out of the planner/dreamer realm and into the tangible "this is a good enough job so I can support my family" realm. I would wait to see if some of that stuff transpires without your prodding before adding a huge responsibility to your plate.
posted by notorious medium at 7:12 AM on April 19, 2018 [12 favorites]
The reality is - you do not have to have a perfect situation to have kids, but you do need a better situation than no job, working on education, and only marginally able to be responsible for things around the house. Medication and counselling will help set the table but your husband will have to take all this progress and turn it into concrete change and action. That's not always just ADHD, but also requires a commitment to equality in your marriage and getting out of the planner/dreamer realm and into the tangible "this is a good enough job so I can support my family" realm. I would wait to see if some of that stuff transpires without your prodding before adding a huge responsibility to your plate.
posted by notorious medium at 7:12 AM on April 19, 2018 [12 favorites]
I have ADD—officially diagnosed when I was in my 40s, but I've known since I learned it was a thing, i.e., when I was a special ed major in the early 70s. It was not an issue while raising my 2 (now adult) kids. Granted, I did not have the issues your partner has, but I've known a lot of folks with ADHD and I haven't known it to be the catastrophe implied in your question and the above comments. In fact, there are some very real upsides to ADHD.
But now, I'm wondering now about having children with a partner that has ADHD. I've read on a lot of forums that it is like having another child and that it can be really lonely and overwhelming for the non-ADHD partner. I don't want to hate my partner (or my life).
Definitely wait until his life is under control (or, at least until you're sure he's well on his way) before getting pregnant. If you continue to have doubts re his ability to be a full partner in the relationship and an effective co-parent, reconsider your plans to have kids with him. That is not ADHD specific advice, it applies to everyone.
Re: Are you prepared to handle children with ADHD?
If not, don't have kids at all/with anyone. An ADHD diagnosis is fairly low on the list of possible parental nightmares.
posted by she's not there at 7:18 AM on April 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
But now, I'm wondering now about having children with a partner that has ADHD. I've read on a lot of forums that it is like having another child and that it can be really lonely and overwhelming for the non-ADHD partner. I don't want to hate my partner (or my life).
Definitely wait until his life is under control (or, at least until you're sure he's well on his way) before getting pregnant. If you continue to have doubts re his ability to be a full partner in the relationship and an effective co-parent, reconsider your plans to have kids with him. That is not ADHD specific advice, it applies to everyone.
Re: Are you prepared to handle children with ADHD?
If not, don't have kids at all/with anyone. An ADHD diagnosis is fairly low on the list of possible parental nightmares.
posted by she's not there at 7:18 AM on April 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
Well, you’re already the sole financial provider and you find yourself spending considerable time cleaning up after your husband, who struggles with staying employed or committed. Add a child to the mix and you will be almost completely responsible for the well-being of that child, in the face of a parent who, one may logically conclude, will also be distracted and fail to follow through on critical timelines in regard to parenting too. This could range from everything to forgetting to change the kid’s diaper to not making their vaccination appointment eleventy times in a row to ...well, do you live in an area with a hot summer?
If one were to assume that this is the status quo for how things are going to be, if you’re determined to have kids soon and have this man be the father figure in their lives, then I would make sure that you do not need to depend on him for any financial contribution or parenting contribution. I would hire a nanny or an au pair to do whatever parenting you wouldn’t be doing. Then whatever he brings to the table is a benefit, but you will also have a reliable partner in parenting responsibilities.
If you’re willing to wait another few years to see if medication and therapy have some real concrete progress in your husband’s ability to contribute, do that.
If you can’t afford to have kids without your husband being a contributing partner who follows through on his commitments on a day-to-day basis, then don’t have kids.
I’m being really clinical about the options there, but that’s the deal. I’m not saying the guy is a bad guy. But instability is almost worse than a stable detriment, so to speak, in that it doesn’t give you a reliable basis for your decisions. It would be better to just assume logistically that your husband will not be more of a contributing factor than he is at this moment, and decide what’s feasible for you in the existing scenario, than to hope that medication and therapy will give you a better foundation within the timeframe you want.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:53 AM on April 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
If one were to assume that this is the status quo for how things are going to be, if you’re determined to have kids soon and have this man be the father figure in their lives, then I would make sure that you do not need to depend on him for any financial contribution or parenting contribution. I would hire a nanny or an au pair to do whatever parenting you wouldn’t be doing. Then whatever he brings to the table is a benefit, but you will also have a reliable partner in parenting responsibilities.
If you’re willing to wait another few years to see if medication and therapy have some real concrete progress in your husband’s ability to contribute, do that.
If you can’t afford to have kids without your husband being a contributing partner who follows through on his commitments on a day-to-day basis, then don’t have kids.
I’m being really clinical about the options there, but that’s the deal. I’m not saying the guy is a bad guy. But instability is almost worse than a stable detriment, so to speak, in that it doesn’t give you a reliable basis for your decisions. It would be better to just assume logistically that your husband will not be more of a contributing factor than he is at this moment, and decide what’s feasible for you in the existing scenario, than to hope that medication and therapy will give you a better foundation within the timeframe you want.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:53 AM on April 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
Even if you wind up with a kid who has ADHD, it’s a lot easier to raise a kid into a functioning adult by providing them with the therapy and coping skills they need, than it is to raise a non-functioning adult into a functioning adult by trying to change a lifetime of established patterns.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:56 AM on April 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Autumnheart at 7:56 AM on April 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
I have ADHD, and I'm the parent of a teenager who does not. Honestly, I think the ADHD is a red herring in your question, and I wonder if your own sense of how to answer it might be clearer if you took that out of the equation and reframed your question this way:
"My husband, whom I love very much and who is in many ways an excellent partner, has been struggling for a long while now. He has history of not being able to hold down a steady job or settle into a career. On a daily basis he forgets to take care of things both big and small. He is often in panic mode, and I feel like if I didn't keep super close tabs on him, everything would fall apart. Recently, however, things look like they're about to change for the better, and so we'd like to start trying to get pregnant, especially since I'm 36 years old and we hope to have three children. Mefites, what do you think?"
This Mefite thinks like the rest: I'd personally want at least a year of more job security, more follow-through -- and less struggling, less panicking -- before I would bring any babies into the mix.
posted by pinkacademic at 8:20 AM on April 19, 2018 [8 favorites]
"My husband, whom I love very much and who is in many ways an excellent partner, has been struggling for a long while now. He has history of not being able to hold down a steady job or settle into a career. On a daily basis he forgets to take care of things both big and small. He is often in panic mode, and I feel like if I didn't keep super close tabs on him, everything would fall apart. Recently, however, things look like they're about to change for the better, and so we'd like to start trying to get pregnant, especially since I'm 36 years old and we hope to have three children. Mefites, what do you think?"
This Mefite thinks like the rest: I'd personally want at least a year of more job security, more follow-through -- and less struggling, less panicking -- before I would bring any babies into the mix.
posted by pinkacademic at 8:20 AM on April 19, 2018 [8 favorites]
There are two separate issues here, I think.
1. Your partner has ADHD, which is something you were not anticipating. This diagnosis can be helpful as it gives a framework to understand the difficulties he's been having and that you have been having in your relationship. He also has a path forward now to get the supports in place to address the ways in which this is getting in his way, also a really good thing. That being said, this is who he is. He is always going to have this. It will be important for you to really think about what that means to you. In full disclosure, I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. I still struggle with some of the things that go with that. I always will. I will always be messy and I will always get some things done at the last possible second. I also do a lot of pretty great stuff. Some of it probably because my thoughts bounce around a bit and take me down paths they might not go otherwise. So there's good and there's challenging stuff. Just like anyone else.
Which brings me to the second point:
2. What does your marriage look like? What are your deal breakers? If you are already frustrated and feel like your responsibilities and emotional labor are not equal? That's a recipe for the death of a relationship whether or not one person has a diagnosis or not. Adding a child to that mix will only make things more stressful and challenging. So, the key right now is to work TOGETHER to make sure this relationship works for both of you. There may be some things he's never going to do well. Like for me? I'm a terrible housekeeper. A previous relationship broke up because my partner claimed it was because I didn't care about him. What was really happening was that it's something I stink at, and at the same time I was also under tremendous stress because I was in graduate school and was also contributing most of the finances to the relationship and was managing a ton of really poor behavior on his part. So, did the ADHD contribute to my messy apartment? Absolutely. Were there other things happening that were making that relationship not work that were coming from both of us? Yep. And they never got fixed and that relationship ended.
So I would recommend counseling for you both to clarify what you each need, what you're each willing to accommodate the other for and how you're going to move forward with that plan. When you get to a place that allows you to see more clearly whether the relationship is going to work, then make a decision about children.
Signed, mom with ADHD, happily married to a guy with (probable) ADHD and parent to a kid diagnosed with ADHD whose life is a little chaotic, but overall pretty great.
posted by goggie at 8:50 AM on April 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
1. Your partner has ADHD, which is something you were not anticipating. This diagnosis can be helpful as it gives a framework to understand the difficulties he's been having and that you have been having in your relationship. He also has a path forward now to get the supports in place to address the ways in which this is getting in his way, also a really good thing. That being said, this is who he is. He is always going to have this. It will be important for you to really think about what that means to you. In full disclosure, I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. I still struggle with some of the things that go with that. I always will. I will always be messy and I will always get some things done at the last possible second. I also do a lot of pretty great stuff. Some of it probably because my thoughts bounce around a bit and take me down paths they might not go otherwise. So there's good and there's challenging stuff. Just like anyone else.
Which brings me to the second point:
2. What does your marriage look like? What are your deal breakers? If you are already frustrated and feel like your responsibilities and emotional labor are not equal? That's a recipe for the death of a relationship whether or not one person has a diagnosis or not. Adding a child to that mix will only make things more stressful and challenging. So, the key right now is to work TOGETHER to make sure this relationship works for both of you. There may be some things he's never going to do well. Like for me? I'm a terrible housekeeper. A previous relationship broke up because my partner claimed it was because I didn't care about him. What was really happening was that it's something I stink at, and at the same time I was also under tremendous stress because I was in graduate school and was also contributing most of the finances to the relationship and was managing a ton of really poor behavior on his part. So, did the ADHD contribute to my messy apartment? Absolutely. Were there other things happening that were making that relationship not work that were coming from both of us? Yep. And they never got fixed and that relationship ended.
So I would recommend counseling for you both to clarify what you each need, what you're each willing to accommodate the other for and how you're going to move forward with that plan. When you get to a place that allows you to see more clearly whether the relationship is going to work, then make a decision about children.
Signed, mom with ADHD, happily married to a guy with (probable) ADHD and parent to a kid diagnosed with ADHD whose life is a little chaotic, but overall pretty great.
posted by goggie at 8:50 AM on April 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
I'm almost 36 so I am feeling the time pressure of my age and am trying to weigh starting now and possibly having enough time to try for three children, versus waiting.
I started trying for a baby when I was 36. It took 11 months of trying to conceive. (No fertility issues were identified, just bad luck, irregular cycles, etc.) Then I was pregnant for nine months, giving birth at age 38. Then it took 18 months for my period to come back again (!) (this is definitely on the lengthy side, in part because we were still breastfeeding, but I know a lot of people who took at least nine months to get theirs again). And now I've been trying for baby #2 for about 4 months, and I'm 40. So if having even two kids is important to you, so important that you're willing to do it in imperfect circumstances, then yes, I'd start trying soon. Then again, you may be like my friend and (at 36) get pregnant the first month you try, who knows. Buy you just don't know, and you simply can't control biology. Good luck!
posted by slidell at 8:55 AM on April 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
I started trying for a baby when I was 36. It took 11 months of trying to conceive. (No fertility issues were identified, just bad luck, irregular cycles, etc.) Then I was pregnant for nine months, giving birth at age 38. Then it took 18 months for my period to come back again (!) (this is definitely on the lengthy side, in part because we were still breastfeeding, but I know a lot of people who took at least nine months to get theirs again). And now I've been trying for baby #2 for about 4 months, and I'm 40. So if having even two kids is important to you, so important that you're willing to do it in imperfect circumstances, then yes, I'd start trying soon. Then again, you may be like my friend and (at 36) get pregnant the first month you try, who knows. Buy you just don't know, and you simply can't control biology. Good luck!
posted by slidell at 8:55 AM on April 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Agree with others that you should not try to get pregnant now unless you are committed to raising this child as a single parent. When you're pregnant you're incredibly vulnerable and not often physically able to do things like dishes or mopping or minor household repairs. Then you have a baby and you're tending to the baby's needs during the times when you might have previously done the dishes and housework.
If you can easily afford, on only your salary, to have both a nanny and housekeeper, you'll probably be fine, but I would imagine you'd end up resenting your husband terribly.
posted by luckdragon at 9:37 AM on April 19, 2018
If you can easily afford, on only your salary, to have both a nanny and housekeeper, you'll probably be fine, but I would imagine you'd end up resenting your husband terribly.
posted by luckdragon at 9:37 AM on April 19, 2018
I'm also really wondering whether it makes sense to wait until he is further along with treatment before starting to try to conceive.
I mean at least in my experience medication was like instantaneous improvement (as in night and day, one day I was losing every document, forgetting everything, struggling with everything, and the next I was Ms. Productive). He may have to tweak dosage or formulations, but from my experience and considering the experiences of friends who also have ADHD, it's pretty rare that the usual medications won't work. You'll know what his outlook is pretty soon.
posted by Tarumba at 10:10 AM on April 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
I mean at least in my experience medication was like instantaneous improvement (as in night and day, one day I was losing every document, forgetting everything, struggling with everything, and the next I was Ms. Productive). He may have to tweak dosage or formulations, but from my experience and considering the experiences of friends who also have ADHD, it's pretty rare that the usual medications won't work. You'll know what his outlook is pretty soon.
posted by Tarumba at 10:10 AM on April 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
This isn't so much about HIS diagnosis as about YOUR level of satisfaction with the marriage as it is right now. I have ADHD, and despite being highly motivated to "get better" and stick with therapy and take my meds and keep on top of things, the truth is that I am nowhere near cured and never will be. I am better than I used to be but I still fall far short of being considered "together." My house is often a mess, chores are left undone for long periods, and I pay late fees on library books allllllll the time. So. If that sort of thing drives you nuts, you should seriously reconsider having children with this man. It's quite likely that the biggest benefit of this diagnosis is that he feels less emotionally crippled by shame/guilt and becomes more self-accepting, less willing to feel that there is something wrong with him. Which is a huge, huge deal - it might have saved my life! - but doesn't do much for YOUR ability to live with him exactly as he is, KWIM?
On the other hand there is also this: I was/am an excellent parent. I struggle to provide structure and routines to the kids, true, but I kick ass at everything else. ADHD does not make someone a bad parent. ADHD does not make someone a less involved parent (I was a SAHM for many years and did most of the baby and kid work all on my own). So, like, there's nothing inherently about parenthood that will be impacted by ADHD, I don't think. In fact ADHD helped me deal with the forced lack of structure that babies bring with more equanimity than the kids' dad... and also, my ADHD coping skills have gotten better from being motivated by the needs of my kids for structure and routine. So parenthood as been all good for both the kids and me ito ADHD.
posted by MiraK at 10:37 AM on April 19, 2018 [7 favorites]
On the other hand there is also this: I was/am an excellent parent. I struggle to provide structure and routines to the kids, true, but I kick ass at everything else. ADHD does not make someone a bad parent. ADHD does not make someone a less involved parent (I was a SAHM for many years and did most of the baby and kid work all on my own). So, like, there's nothing inherently about parenthood that will be impacted by ADHD, I don't think. In fact ADHD helped me deal with the forced lack of structure that babies bring with more equanimity than the kids' dad... and also, my ADHD coping skills have gotten better from being motivated by the needs of my kids for structure and routine. So parenthood as been all good for both the kids and me ito ADHD.
posted by MiraK at 10:37 AM on April 19, 2018 [7 favorites]
Please wait. The medication has a positive effect on everyone I know, but adults have to relearn habits and coping mechanisms they've used their entire lives. There weren't any kids (thank god) but the main reason my marriage broke up is that he would not adhere to his medication. Like you, I was responsible for a lot of things that he should have taken care of and that led to a spiral of resentment and eventually explosive anger from him. It's very possible he will improve immediately once he starts medication, but you need to make sure he'll continue to take it. My ex stopped because he didn't feel like he should need it (felt broken) and he didn't like the side effects (but wouldn't try other things to cope with them). He was also rebelling against my requests for him to take it. If you have any of that dynamic - you ask him to do something and he doesn't because he feels nagged - that's not going to go away.
posted by AFABulous at 11:11 AM on April 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by AFABulous at 11:11 AM on April 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think the advice to separate his behavior from what you think ADHD is and does is solid. I have ADHD that was diagnosed in my 40s. I have worked (usually more than one job) since I was 16. I changed my college major once when I was a freshman and, although it took me a bit longer to graduate, I did. I have worked in the same field since I graduated. I have advanced in every job I've ever had. ADHD makes it hard sometimes and I have some rather elaborate coping skills to keep me on track for the important stuff. Medicine is awesome and it not only makes me able to get the kitchen cleaned more regularly, it also lifts my mood quite a bit.
I have two children. They both have ADHD. It makes it hard but no harder than any of the other millions of things they could have that make them not the perfect angels I had in my mind before I had them. :-)
If you are working outside the home and your ex isn't but you're still doing lots of housework and the like then the issue isn't his ADHD. It's his attitude and his desire to be a contributing member of the household. He might have some ideas that he'd like to contribute only in some sort of meaningful and creative way (that maybe or may not ever happen) and that he's above taking out the trash. If so, that's a recipe for disaster, kids or not.
Are you seeing a therapist? I would suggest that you do and that you view his behavior and attitude against what you'd like to see in a partner, with or without ADHD. Don't let him use this as an excuse.
posted by dawkins_7 at 12:03 PM on April 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
I have two children. They both have ADHD. It makes it hard but no harder than any of the other millions of things they could have that make them not the perfect angels I had in my mind before I had them. :-)
If you are working outside the home and your ex isn't but you're still doing lots of housework and the like then the issue isn't his ADHD. It's his attitude and his desire to be a contributing member of the household. He might have some ideas that he'd like to contribute only in some sort of meaningful and creative way (that maybe or may not ever happen) and that he's above taking out the trash. If so, that's a recipe for disaster, kids or not.
Are you seeing a therapist? I would suggest that you do and that you view his behavior and attitude against what you'd like to see in a partner, with or without ADHD. Don't let him use this as an excuse.
posted by dawkins_7 at 12:03 PM on April 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
I took medication for ADHD for a year, but I decided to stop taking it once it became clear to me where the benefits of the medication met the need for discipline in my daily routine. Medication made it easier to focus and stay on task, but it wasn’t good habits in pill form, and the improvement I felt, though significant at first, tapered off as I acclimated to the dose. It was still a good idea to get a formal diagnosis and to see how medication would help me, but in the end, the coping skills and tools I’d amassed over the years help a lot more. I’m certainly not perfect, and a lot—a LOT—of my success is that my job has strengthened the kind of habits I need to keep things running smoothly at both work and home. I still procrastinate aplenty, but shit gets handled in a timely fashion for the most part. I just spent all weekend cleaning my house. And it took me all weekend because I dicked around a lot, but it did get done.
The amount of meta-management I have to do is tiresome at times. All the to-do lists, the reminders, having to sit down and add entries to the calendar, checking and re-checking. On medication, it was so nice to just...remember and do the thing. But the effort, financial and physical cost of obtaining, possessing and taking the medication did not eliminate the need for meta-management, it only reduced it. So for me personally, I felt that in the end it was more costly to take the medication than to not take it. But I was able to make an informed decision to do that because I’d already had proven success with my existing skills set. If I had been struggling with staying employed or paying bills on time and stuff, I would not have been in a position to make that decision. I was seeing if medication could take me from better performance to best, not from poor performance to good.
posted by Autumnheart at 12:04 PM on April 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
The amount of meta-management I have to do is tiresome at times. All the to-do lists, the reminders, having to sit down and add entries to the calendar, checking and re-checking. On medication, it was so nice to just...remember and do the thing. But the effort, financial and physical cost of obtaining, possessing and taking the medication did not eliminate the need for meta-management, it only reduced it. So for me personally, I felt that in the end it was more costly to take the medication than to not take it. But I was able to make an informed decision to do that because I’d already had proven success with my existing skills set. If I had been struggling with staying employed or paying bills on time and stuff, I would not have been in a position to make that decision. I was seeing if medication could take me from better performance to best, not from poor performance to good.
posted by Autumnheart at 12:04 PM on April 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is coming right when we were going to start trying to have children. In fact we've been waiting for a few months while he got in to get the diagnosis.
Your husband is the same person now that they were before you waited a few months on the diagnosis.
It seems like you were planning on having children with this pre-diagnosis man, with all of his values and habits and quirks and everything. Your husband has not suddenly become a different person -- he's still that same person you were planning on having children with.
I've read on a lot of forums that it is like having another child and that it can be really lonely and overwhelming for the non-ADHD partner.
You need to evaluate your partner based on who he is, based on everything you know about him from your life together. If you felt like he would be a good parent before he had the label "ADHD", that's not going to change just because he got diagnosed -- he didn't suddenly come down with ADHD -- it's been with him the entire time you've known him. He's the same person you chose to marry, the same person you had planned to have children with.
It seems like you were ready for this man to be the father of your children until you found out about those four little letters and read some forum posts -- and it seems strange that that would be the tipping point that would cause you to change your mind. Perhaps you are just having second thoughts about wanting to have children at all, and this is just a convenient reason to grab onto -- keep in mind that you don't have to have children, you are not required to provide anyone with grandchildren, you don't have to have kids just because it's "expected" of you. It's OK to decide you don't want to have kids for any reason or no reason.
Alternatively -- I haven't looked at your previous questions,but if you've known each other for only a short time, got married after a whirlwind romance, and really didn't know much about your husband, yes, you should consider further what it would be like to have children with him.
posted by yohko at 5:45 PM on April 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
Your husband is the same person now that they were before you waited a few months on the diagnosis.
It seems like you were planning on having children with this pre-diagnosis man, with all of his values and habits and quirks and everything. Your husband has not suddenly become a different person -- he's still that same person you were planning on having children with.
I've read on a lot of forums that it is like having another child and that it can be really lonely and overwhelming for the non-ADHD partner.
You need to evaluate your partner based on who he is, based on everything you know about him from your life together. If you felt like he would be a good parent before he had the label "ADHD", that's not going to change just because he got diagnosed -- he didn't suddenly come down with ADHD -- it's been with him the entire time you've known him. He's the same person you chose to marry, the same person you had planned to have children with.
It seems like you were ready for this man to be the father of your children until you found out about those four little letters and read some forum posts -- and it seems strange that that would be the tipping point that would cause you to change your mind. Perhaps you are just having second thoughts about wanting to have children at all, and this is just a convenient reason to grab onto -- keep in mind that you don't have to have children, you are not required to provide anyone with grandchildren, you don't have to have kids just because it's "expected" of you. It's OK to decide you don't want to have kids for any reason or no reason.
Alternatively -- I haven't looked at your previous questions,but if you've known each other for only a short time, got married after a whirlwind romance, and really didn't know much about your husband, yes, you should consider further what it would be like to have children with him.
posted by yohko at 5:45 PM on April 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Everyone, I really appreciate your advice. The diagnosis has changed our perspective a lot - now we know that the challenges he has faced are something that he will be living with (and dealing with) forever, so we have to adjust our approach and our expectations for the future. You've given me a lot to think about and I'll be sharing this thread with him, as well.
posted by inatizzy at 6:10 AM on April 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by inatizzy at 6:10 AM on April 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Having read the thread and seeing your update, I thought I would get more concrete. My husband had some issues (and so did I!) that we’re not ADHD related. But one of his was timeliness, and I don’t mean 10 minutes late. I mean he left me, pregnant, waiting in an unheated bus shelter for 2.5 hrs.
It’s one thing to not pick up an adult but leaving your child at daycare or worse, public school, like that is impossible. And so, with our oldest son, I arranged to do all the pickups, which impacted my career and stressed me out so much I ended up really sick. So sick that my husband did prove he could do it because I couldn’t, and he did step up. So it ended up okay but I have to tell you, getting there was terrible. And if he hadn’t we’d be divorced and...then he’d be forgetting to be on time for our kids on his weeks, I guess.
Also, working when you have kids is different, or can be. There’s a lot to juggle. Sole support for kids that will be impacted by job loss can be a real strain, if you have that sort of job.
If you’re both reading this I would just like to say, please don’t underestimate how important being able to rely on one’s partner for anything and everything is when it comes to kids. It’s not about a spotless home. It’s that so much of parenting is coordinating bodies and food etc. The one thing I knew was that my husband /could/ do it because he did it at work. I think you may want to consider getting to where you both feel secure in those kinds of things.
I will say The Thing that makes my husband late also means he plays at the park while I’m checking my watch thinking about how long it takes to make dinner, and his being present for fun is great. It’s not all bad. BUT he still had, had, had to be able to pack a lunch, get our kids to school, pick them up before the daycare closed, etc.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:01 AM on April 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
It’s one thing to not pick up an adult but leaving your child at daycare or worse, public school, like that is impossible. And so, with our oldest son, I arranged to do all the pickups, which impacted my career and stressed me out so much I ended up really sick. So sick that my husband did prove he could do it because I couldn’t, and he did step up. So it ended up okay but I have to tell you, getting there was terrible. And if he hadn’t we’d be divorced and...then he’d be forgetting to be on time for our kids on his weeks, I guess.
Also, working when you have kids is different, or can be. There’s a lot to juggle. Sole support for kids that will be impacted by job loss can be a real strain, if you have that sort of job.
If you’re both reading this I would just like to say, please don’t underestimate how important being able to rely on one’s partner for anything and everything is when it comes to kids. It’s not about a spotless home. It’s that so much of parenting is coordinating bodies and food etc. The one thing I knew was that my husband /could/ do it because he did it at work. I think you may want to consider getting to where you both feel secure in those kinds of things.
I will say The Thing that makes my husband late also means he plays at the park while I’m checking my watch thinking about how long it takes to make dinner, and his being present for fun is great. It’s not all bad. BUT he still had, had, had to be able to pack a lunch, get our kids to school, pick them up before the daycare closed, etc.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:01 AM on April 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
If you have already found yourself in the parent/child mode, then I wouldn't expect or hope for that dynamic to change with additional responsibilities added. If it's not a big problem so far, I see no reason why it would suddenly become one due to having children.
If this bothers you now enough to reconsider children, then go with that thought and if you're expecting it to change for the better with children added to the mix, you're likely to be disappointed.
Treatment and medication does help, for the times it helps, and while it's active, but when it wears off, or responsibilitie occur during offhour times, or does not apply to the situation, you're still dealing with adhd, which has no cure or fix.
I've had several adhd partners(and actually prefer them) in addition to being one myself, and I personally don't think that it negatively impacts parenting. It does however increase divorce rates, so it does negatively affect relationships themselves if both people aren't willing to read up on it to fully understand what adhd is, how it affects things, and what expectations are reasonable, to make allowances for it, and do some extra work to make sure everyone's needs are covered.
Like with most things that have a genetic component, adhd presents differently for both men and women, and as others have noted, there is a chance your children will also have adhd, so keep this in mind if it's a concern of yours.
posted by OnefortheLast at 8:23 PM on April 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
If this bothers you now enough to reconsider children, then go with that thought and if you're expecting it to change for the better with children added to the mix, you're likely to be disappointed.
Treatment and medication does help, for the times it helps, and while it's active, but when it wears off, or responsibilitie occur during offhour times, or does not apply to the situation, you're still dealing with adhd, which has no cure or fix.
I've had several adhd partners(and actually prefer them) in addition to being one myself, and I personally don't think that it negatively impacts parenting. It does however increase divorce rates, so it does negatively affect relationships themselves if both people aren't willing to read up on it to fully understand what adhd is, how it affects things, and what expectations are reasonable, to make allowances for it, and do some extra work to make sure everyone's needs are covered.
Like with most things that have a genetic component, adhd presents differently for both men and women, and as others have noted, there is a chance your children will also have adhd, so keep this in mind if it's a concern of yours.
posted by OnefortheLast at 8:23 PM on April 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
I say this as a person with adhd who's had adhd partners, because it is a very important point to consider:
Basically any adhd treatment period is for the person with the adhd, and is to help them better cope with the nonstop feelings of self shame, failure and inadequacy that a person with adhd feels in comparison to those without adhd, and to help them better function in a world that seems to be designed in every possible way against the way our brains and bodies function naturally.
Treatment and medication is NOT to alleviate the discomfort or disapproval of those without adhd or for the adhd person to better perform according to non-adhd standards.
If you're going to approach your husbands new diagnosis with the goal of improving him to fit a parental role or partner role standard that he's currently struggling to achieve, you're more likely to end up with a divorce than with children.
I've found the online ADDitude magazine to have a lot of compassionate-minded and helpful information. But I also do not devote excessive personal resources into trying to "fix" or negate my adhd, or much either around people who expect me to for their reasons.
posted by OnefortheLast at 9:02 PM on April 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Basically any adhd treatment period is for the person with the adhd, and is to help them better cope with the nonstop feelings of self shame, failure and inadequacy that a person with adhd feels in comparison to those without adhd, and to help them better function in a world that seems to be designed in every possible way against the way our brains and bodies function naturally.
Treatment and medication is NOT to alleviate the discomfort or disapproval of those without adhd or for the adhd person to better perform according to non-adhd standards.
If you're going to approach your husbands new diagnosis with the goal of improving him to fit a parental role or partner role standard that he's currently struggling to achieve, you're more likely to end up with a divorce than with children.
I've found the online ADDitude magazine to have a lot of compassionate-minded and helpful information. But I also do not devote excessive personal resources into trying to "fix" or negate my adhd, or much either around people who expect me to for their reasons.
posted by OnefortheLast at 9:02 PM on April 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
OK that's enough from me!! Thanks in advance.
posted by inatizzy at 5:05 AM on April 19, 2018