Things to consider when becoming a guardian
March 22, 2018 1:06 PM
We found out this week that we may be gaining custody of a 4-year-old child who we've never met before. What should we be thinking about? I've got a list of things that I think are priorities, what am I missing?
A family member is losing custody of their child, and we have applied for guardianship, because we are the most able to provide them with a stable, loving environment. It sounds like it is probably happening, within the next couple weeks. Here are the things we're thinking about and taking action on, what else are we missing?
1. Clearing out a room for them, purchasing furniture, toys, clothes, etc. We have a 7-year-old so there are a lot of toys in the house, I'm thinking wait until they're here to purchase toys that they are specifically into. Clothes: I'm guessing we should wait on that too? Shopping trip shortly after arrival? We'll also need toiletries. We'll need another car seat. What other things should be on our list?
2. Talking to our 7-year-old. We're going to do this soon, and involve him in the decision of which bedroom will be New Kid's. He's old enough and securely attached that I think he'll understand when we tell him that we will have less time for him at first because NK will need lots of attention... but what specifically should we be preparing him for, aside from that?
3. Getting NK on our insurance, enrolled in daycare/PreK, set up with any needed doctor/dentist appointments shortly after arrival once we assess what's needed (we already know about one medical issue).
4. Getting as much info as possible from the social worker about goals, timelines, etc. both so we can better prepare ourselves and also answer questions as honestly as possible as they arise. Also making sure to get NK's birth date, SSN, birth certificate?
5. Carving out as much time as possible after arrival for down time / adjustment time -- FMLA is an option for me, and spouse can also take some time off. Should we stagger it so there's a longer period of time before having to start daycare/PreK or should we both be home to start?
6. Counseling -- I definitely want to set up some couples counseling sessions for me and Mr. Rabbit, so we can get some help coming up with strategies for providing as much stability, clear expectations, and a united front as possible. With our own kid our parenting style has been loosey-goosey which has worked OK because he's a well-adjusted and securely attached kid who has always had his needs met, but I think we need to up our parenting game with NK.
7. A plan for dealing with any resulting family drama. Spouse has been estranged from his family since adolescence for good reasons, but this kind of draws us back to them. I know we can get some guidance about this from the social worker, and I think that a good division of labor is that he deals with his family and I deal with bureaucracy. It also helps that we live several hundred miles away from his family.
What else should I be thinking about ahead of time? My brain is still exploding (this came onto our radar about 48 hours ago) so I know that there's a lot I'm not thinking of. I do not yet know whether this is going to be relatively short-term or permanent.
A family member is losing custody of their child, and we have applied for guardianship, because we are the most able to provide them with a stable, loving environment. It sounds like it is probably happening, within the next couple weeks. Here are the things we're thinking about and taking action on, what else are we missing?
1. Clearing out a room for them, purchasing furniture, toys, clothes, etc. We have a 7-year-old so there are a lot of toys in the house, I'm thinking wait until they're here to purchase toys that they are specifically into. Clothes: I'm guessing we should wait on that too? Shopping trip shortly after arrival? We'll also need toiletries. We'll need another car seat. What other things should be on our list?
2. Talking to our 7-year-old. We're going to do this soon, and involve him in the decision of which bedroom will be New Kid's. He's old enough and securely attached that I think he'll understand when we tell him that we will have less time for him at first because NK will need lots of attention... but what specifically should we be preparing him for, aside from that?
3. Getting NK on our insurance, enrolled in daycare/PreK, set up with any needed doctor/dentist appointments shortly after arrival once we assess what's needed (we already know about one medical issue).
4. Getting as much info as possible from the social worker about goals, timelines, etc. both so we can better prepare ourselves and also answer questions as honestly as possible as they arise. Also making sure to get NK's birth date, SSN, birth certificate?
5. Carving out as much time as possible after arrival for down time / adjustment time -- FMLA is an option for me, and spouse can also take some time off. Should we stagger it so there's a longer period of time before having to start daycare/PreK or should we both be home to start?
6. Counseling -- I definitely want to set up some couples counseling sessions for me and Mr. Rabbit, so we can get some help coming up with strategies for providing as much stability, clear expectations, and a united front as possible. With our own kid our parenting style has been loosey-goosey which has worked OK because he's a well-adjusted and securely attached kid who has always had his needs met, but I think we need to up our parenting game with NK.
7. A plan for dealing with any resulting family drama. Spouse has been estranged from his family since adolescence for good reasons, but this kind of draws us back to them. I know we can get some guidance about this from the social worker, and I think that a good division of labor is that he deals with his family and I deal with bureaucracy. It also helps that we live several hundred miles away from his family.
What else should I be thinking about ahead of time? My brain is still exploding (this came onto our radar about 48 hours ago) so I know that there's a lot I'm not thinking of. I do not yet know whether this is going to be relatively short-term or permanent.
Oh, and you and the mister should be on the same page about further family expansion. If you'd planned to have more biological kids yourself, how that will impact two kids instead of one, and how you might need to change the timing.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:17 PM on March 22, 2018
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:17 PM on March 22, 2018
Not to threadsit, but we are done with baby-having forever, so no further bio kids will be in the mix.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 1:17 PM on March 22, 2018
posted by rabbitrabbit at 1:17 PM on March 22, 2018
Make sure the daycare / PreK understands the situation, especially about who is allowed to visit and pickup the child. Also see if they can asses their educational status, as well as learning aids (hearing / vision) in conjunction with a doctor.
In Colorado guardianship involves getting fingerprinted / id'd by the state, so you may have to schedule an appointment for that.
Also think about boundaries and communications for the 4-year old with their parent.
posted by nickggully at 1:24 PM on March 22, 2018
In Colorado guardianship involves getting fingerprinted / id'd by the state, so you may have to schedule an appointment for that.
Also think about boundaries and communications for the 4-year old with their parent.
posted by nickggully at 1:24 PM on March 22, 2018
With 7 year old, lots of discussions about dealing with younger kids, as they may have limited experience with this. With my kid, I'd frame it as we are all on a team and we need you to really help make NK feel more comfortable. And this will mean sharing, etc.
My kid would have a hard time adjusting to that.
I'd also dig around to find out what Guardian means in your jurisdiction. Are you going to have to transport NK to multiple visits per week with his bio parents? Is the goal for you to be temporary guardians while NK's parents get their shit together? If so, what will that entail? What's the process? How long will this take? Will you go to court? What is the deal with a case worker? Will someone from the government be guiding you through this? Will you guys have to get certified as guardians? What does that entail? What rights does a Guardian have? Can you legally enroll NK in school or daycare?
Records - get as much as possible. Don't forget medical or dental records?
posted by k8t at 1:27 PM on March 22, 2018
My kid would have a hard time adjusting to that.
I'd also dig around to find out what Guardian means in your jurisdiction. Are you going to have to transport NK to multiple visits per week with his bio parents? Is the goal for you to be temporary guardians while NK's parents get their shit together? If so, what will that entail? What's the process? How long will this take? Will you go to court? What is the deal with a case worker? Will someone from the government be guiding you through this? Will you guys have to get certified as guardians? What does that entail? What rights does a Guardian have? Can you legally enroll NK in school or daycare?
Records - get as much as possible. Don't forget medical or dental records?
posted by k8t at 1:27 PM on March 22, 2018
You mentioned stability and clear expectations so you're probably already thinking this, but I just wanted to throw the word "schedule" in the mix. You talk about clearing out time, and yes? maybe? I don't know about the benefits of having extra time up front. But I think that the sooner things are "normal" in a way that will be stable for them, the better.
Also you may find resources by googling around the keyword "foster." At least in my geography, "foster parent" is a more common term than guardian. E.g., "preparing to be a foster parent" might be worth a google search. There are blogs by foster parents (I'm told by a friend, sorry no links), maybe even local or online support groups? This may come in handy especially as you run into issues like dealing with the bio family, a common question for foster families for which you won't find answers from generic parenting websites.
posted by salvia at 1:30 PM on March 22, 2018
Also you may find resources by googling around the keyword "foster." At least in my geography, "foster parent" is a more common term than guardian. E.g., "preparing to be a foster parent" might be worth a google search. There are blogs by foster parents (I'm told by a friend, sorry no links), maybe even local or online support groups? This may come in handy especially as you run into issues like dealing with the bio family, a common question for foster families for which you won't find answers from generic parenting websites.
posted by salvia at 1:30 PM on March 22, 2018
Think about whatever paperwork you will need to have with you more or less at all times showing that you are the guardian of the child. Unless/until you formally adopt, you might find yourself in a situation where you need to legally prove that you can X ... enroll NK in school, make medical decisions for NK, get NK a passport and/or travel with NK out of the country, etc. Will be easiest if you have your papers on you all the time.
Also: food allergies? particular lovies/comfort toys or blankets? maintaining connection to any existing friends or social networks? (not sure about the geography of this question, maybe this isn't possible, but it would be nice if NK could continue to have playdates with his/her old friends)
posted by mccxxiii at 1:30 PM on March 22, 2018
Also: food allergies? particular lovies/comfort toys or blankets? maintaining connection to any existing friends or social networks? (not sure about the geography of this question, maybe this isn't possible, but it would be nice if NK could continue to have playdates with his/her old friends)
posted by mccxxiii at 1:30 PM on March 22, 2018
The Blue Ribbon Project provides backpacks for kids entering foster care. They have a list of what should go in a backpack for each age group. Maybe that's a place to start.
(I think it would be good to have at least one toy specifically for the child from the beginning.)
posted by FencingGal at 1:42 PM on March 22, 2018
(I think it would be good to have at least one toy specifically for the child from the beginning.)
posted by FencingGal at 1:42 PM on March 22, 2018
I have no idea if you will need a lawyer, but this seems the time to find a family lawyer to at least ask, "Do we need to do anything now, and can we call you if we have questions in the future?"
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 1:51 PM on March 22, 2018
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 1:51 PM on March 22, 2018
I think it might be nice to have a lovey and some pajamas/extra clothes right away. I’d also be prepared for bed wetting or similar as I’d guess some kids will regress in these circumstances. So maybe some protection under the sheet plus extra sheets.
posted by vunder at 2:00 PM on March 22, 2018
posted by vunder at 2:00 PM on March 22, 2018
with regard to your biokid it might be a good idea to frame it as "new kid needs ALL OF OUR (as opposed to just you the parents') help and love right now." Make your biokid part of the caretaking team, at least emotionally, so s/he can feel more like an active participant and less like someone from whom resources were unilaterally diverted. (This is how I framed it to my firstborn when her sister was born and I really think it helped.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:10 PM on March 22, 2018
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:10 PM on March 22, 2018
Also ... I'm still thinking about this ... is it possible to come up with a new thing that the four of you will do together every day or every week? Some kind of Tiny Tradition that you can start doing to recognize the fact that you are now an official Unit of 4?
I don't mean anything huge or disruptive, just some little activity like each sharing a story at dinnertime or singing a song together or praying together at a certain part of the day if that's your bag. That would help both NK and Existing Kid think of themselves as a Family of 4 doing a new thing all together.
Doesn't necessarily have to be something that you start doing on Day One, but you could be thinking about it in the first few weeks. You could also have Existing Kid help you figure it out, which would give him some sense of ownership in the situation.
posted by mccxxiii at 2:17 PM on March 22, 2018
I don't mean anything huge or disruptive, just some little activity like each sharing a story at dinnertime or singing a song together or praying together at a certain part of the day if that's your bag. That would help both NK and Existing Kid think of themselves as a Family of 4 doing a new thing all together.
Doesn't necessarily have to be something that you start doing on Day One, but you could be thinking about it in the first few weeks. You could also have Existing Kid help you figure it out, which would give him some sense of ownership in the situation.
posted by mccxxiii at 2:17 PM on March 22, 2018
You mention a social worker. Is this happening because there is a dependency case (state took kids due to abuse, abandonment, neglect)? Depending on your jurisdiction and the status of the case you may have to deal with a lot of DCF services, which can be good or bad. The child may already be receiving therapy through the state, may have court ordered visitation you need to comply with, and so on. Ask the case worker for more information.
posted by gatorae at 2:17 PM on March 22, 2018
posted by gatorae at 2:17 PM on March 22, 2018
The kid might arrive with nothing, not even pajamas for that night, so I'd try to have those, basic toiletries like their own toothbrush, and a couple days' clothing in advance to give you a chance to shop at a reasonable pace. (The kid might not be eager to go out into a loud, crowded, bright place right after such a big change.) There are presumably some serious neglect issues, so I'd try to be aware of the possibility of problems that might need to be addressed right away, e.g., lice, skin issues, or serious tooth decay.
Can you find out from the social worker if the kid has any favorite foods or snacks? It might be comforting to have those available in the new home.
If you don't already have one, a nightlight for his/her room would be nice.
posted by praemunire at 2:38 PM on March 22, 2018
Can you find out from the social worker if the kid has any favorite foods or snacks? It might be comforting to have those available in the new home.
If you don't already have one, a nightlight for his/her room would be nice.
posted by praemunire at 2:38 PM on March 22, 2018
You might end up being the more appropriate point person between your family unit and NK's family. The hardest part in these situations is to maintain safe boundaries while also allowing the child to have the strongest possible relationship with their parents. It's a lot of emotional labor to walk that fine line - especially as you become attached to the child and more acutely feel anger at their family of origin for [whatever necessitated the need for guardianship]
posted by politikitty at 2:39 PM on March 22, 2018
posted by politikitty at 2:39 PM on March 22, 2018
Food is pretty important to a kid. I would work on knowing what NK likes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Favorite snacks, ice cream, fruit. I am not sure if there is any communication possible. If not- perfect first day distraction. Go to super market together to pick out favorites.
Even if you aren't going to let things like Apple Jacks be the norm, I think it is fine to have around.
posted by ReluctantViking at 3:10 PM on March 22, 2018
Even if you aren't going to let things like Apple Jacks be the norm, I think it is fine to have around.
posted by ReluctantViking at 3:10 PM on March 22, 2018
First, good on you for stepping up to the plate. It sounds like NK is really, really lucky that you and Mr. Rabbit are ready to take on this challenge.
No matter how on-board the 7-year-old is with welcoming NK into the home, it may at some point be unsettling for OK that NK is getting bombarded with all that attention and all that new stuff. I mean, I used to keep a little consolation gift in my purse to avert the inevitable melt-down my kids would have at birthday parties after watching the birthday kid open all the presents. So, if possible, when you buy a bunch of clothes or toys or bedding to accommodate NK's needs, it wouldn't hurt to include one small new thing for OK. Take OK aside and quietly explain that they are being so good and so helpful and so patient while fuss is being made over NK and you just want them to have this one special gift to acknowledge that. Maybe it's a little bribery but there's nothing wrong with that.
posted by rekrap at 3:29 PM on March 22, 2018
No matter how on-board the 7-year-old is with welcoming NK into the home, it may at some point be unsettling for OK that NK is getting bombarded with all that attention and all that new stuff. I mean, I used to keep a little consolation gift in my purse to avert the inevitable melt-down my kids would have at birthday parties after watching the birthday kid open all the presents. So, if possible, when you buy a bunch of clothes or toys or bedding to accommodate NK's needs, it wouldn't hurt to include one small new thing for OK. Take OK aside and quietly explain that they are being so good and so helpful and so patient while fuss is being made over NK and you just want them to have this one special gift to acknowledge that. Maybe it's a little bribery but there's nothing wrong with that.
posted by rekrap at 3:29 PM on March 22, 2018
Maybe let your child pick out some toys for NK, while also getting something special for themselves? This would be a pretty big shock to the system for an only child I'd think, so checking in with your son regularly and preserving some alone time one on one with him. Things you can do as a group would be good, so games and the like, and letting your child give NK the gift might be a nice bonding opportunity.
posted by OneSmartMonkey at 3:32 PM on March 22, 2018
posted by OneSmartMonkey at 3:32 PM on March 22, 2018
I have no experience in this area, but I would think that if there are any photos of NK with his/her parent(s) when things were going well, it would be good to put those up in NK’s room and elsewhere around the house. To acknowledge that NK didn’t just drop in as an alien from space but has a life history and parent(s) who love him/her the best they can.
posted by lakeroon at 4:42 PM on March 22, 2018
posted by lakeroon at 4:42 PM on March 22, 2018
Within a couple weeks of their arrival, I would consider getting the new kid a tiny, easy-to-care-for pet, like a betta fish that can be theirs and live in their room. Or a cool plant maybe, with a little watering can and a watering schedule. Something they can interact with, and be in charge of, to give them a sense of stability, routine, and control.
Pull-ups for night time and maybe daytime too, til the routine gets familiar again
Any movies or story books that the kid already likes & finds familiar/comforting
A teddy
A night light in the bedroom, the bathroom, and dim lighting helping the kid navigate between the two rooms at night
A potty seat if they're used to using one
Toys that allow the kid to attain a comforting flow-state without a ton of talking: maybe colouring materials, and building toys like lego
I'd have clothing and toiletries all ready for them and go shopping for more later, it's probably a bit much all at once
Maybe a schedule for when they can talk/videochat with their previous caregiver, if possible
Fun collaborative hands-on activities for both kids to do with the parents together- Make cookies! Decorate cupcakes! Pita Pizza night where the kids put on their own toppings! Colour the fence with chalk! Paint rocks to make paperweights!
And I'd set aside time for some private parent dates with the 7 year old- maybe a date night out alone with each parent within the first couple of weeks. It's a big adjustment for them, too.
You sound like good people for this- good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:48 PM on March 22, 2018
Pull-ups for night time and maybe daytime too, til the routine gets familiar again
Any movies or story books that the kid already likes & finds familiar/comforting
A teddy
A night light in the bedroom, the bathroom, and dim lighting helping the kid navigate between the two rooms at night
A potty seat if they're used to using one
Toys that allow the kid to attain a comforting flow-state without a ton of talking: maybe colouring materials, and building toys like lego
I'd have clothing and toiletries all ready for them and go shopping for more later, it's probably a bit much all at once
Maybe a schedule for when they can talk/videochat with their previous caregiver, if possible
Fun collaborative hands-on activities for both kids to do with the parents together- Make cookies! Decorate cupcakes! Pita Pizza night where the kids put on their own toppings! Colour the fence with chalk! Paint rocks to make paperweights!
And I'd set aside time for some private parent dates with the 7 year old- maybe a date night out alone with each parent within the first couple of weeks. It's a big adjustment for them, too.
You sound like good people for this- good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:48 PM on March 22, 2018
Try to find out from the social worker if NK will have or be eligible for insurance from the state - kids in foster care are often eligible for Medicaid. If you’d prefer to have NK on your insurance, check with the social worker and with your insurance to make sure that’s possible. Foster parents don’t always have the right to make medical decision for their foster kid. Along those lines, you’ll want to find out what decisions you are and are not authorized to make for NK.
A useful search term may be kinship foster care - it sounds like that’s what this is (child is taken away from parents on a temporary or permanent basis, the state is legally responsible for the child, child lives with relatives who care for the child and have guardianship but are not legal parents).
posted by insectosaurus at 4:50 PM on March 22, 2018
A useful search term may be kinship foster care - it sounds like that’s what this is (child is taken away from parents on a temporary or permanent basis, the state is legally responsible for the child, child lives with relatives who care for the child and have guardianship but are not legal parents).
posted by insectosaurus at 4:50 PM on March 22, 2018
I used to read a blog written by a woman who had aged out of the foster system, and one thing she always mentioned about moving to a new house was having to use whatever hand-me-down stuff the family had for foster kids, in particular sheets, pillowcases, and pajamas. She often wrote with great sadness about how much it would have meant to her to be able to choose between two brand new pillowcases for her first night. I think about that a lot.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 5:47 PM on March 22, 2018
posted by Snarl Furillo at 5:47 PM on March 22, 2018
I would definitely make sure you got her a brand-new very soft and cuddly plushie to welcome her -- and I'd ask 7yo to pick out a gift for her, maybe a book or another plushie, just so she gets a couple things that are hers and that are presents and that are welcoming, right off the bat.
There might be something special you could encourage the 7yo to do with her to start building a bond, like maybe when he gets home from school they could have a snack together and then he could read her a board book. Just something simple to start off so he's doing something for her, and she looks forward to spending time with him, and it can evolve.
Something that's hard and scary about moving to a new home and new family is that there are tons of rules that are different, and they don't seem like tons of rules because you've been teaching them naturally over 7 years for your older child, but the new arrival will be behind and will have learned different rules in a different (and apparently dysfunctional) household. You could maybe put together a poster with some house rules illustrated visually, or some visual cue signs in specific locations ("STOP!" on the fridge if kids have to get a parent to open the fridge). I would also be sure to tell her the day's plan or schedule, the first few days, and maybe draw a visual schedule ("wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed, play time, morning snack" etc.), so she feels more comfortable with what's going to be happening.
At four you may want to think about at least some limited child proofing -- I assume your sharp knives and medicine and so forth are still well away, but you may want to gate off the steps to the basement or put a doorknob cover on the door to your bedroom -- not that a 4-year-old can't defeat those measures, but they do help remind an impulsive preschooler that that area is off limits, and they provide at least a hurdle for a particularly determined child so you may be able to catch up before they go in the alligator-infested basement.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:02 PM on March 22, 2018
There might be something special you could encourage the 7yo to do with her to start building a bond, like maybe when he gets home from school they could have a snack together and then he could read her a board book. Just something simple to start off so he's doing something for her, and she looks forward to spending time with him, and it can evolve.
Something that's hard and scary about moving to a new home and new family is that there are tons of rules that are different, and they don't seem like tons of rules because you've been teaching them naturally over 7 years for your older child, but the new arrival will be behind and will have learned different rules in a different (and apparently dysfunctional) household. You could maybe put together a poster with some house rules illustrated visually, or some visual cue signs in specific locations ("STOP!" on the fridge if kids have to get a parent to open the fridge). I would also be sure to tell her the day's plan or schedule, the first few days, and maybe draw a visual schedule ("wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed, play time, morning snack" etc.), so she feels more comfortable with what's going to be happening.
At four you may want to think about at least some limited child proofing -- I assume your sharp knives and medicine and so forth are still well away, but you may want to gate off the steps to the basement or put a doorknob cover on the door to your bedroom -- not that a 4-year-old can't defeat those measures, but they do help remind an impulsive preschooler that that area is off limits, and they provide at least a hurdle for a particularly determined child so you may be able to catch up before they go in the alligator-infested basement.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:02 PM on March 22, 2018
Uhhhh... is the kiddo already in school/preschool/daycare?
If so, continuing that is a good idea to keep a schedule and pattern going.
If not, I would stay home and ease into school/daycare a few days a week.
You probably don't need both parents at home and it might be better to save leave time to ensure that someone can be out when necessary.
posted by elsietheeel at 8:39 PM on March 22, 2018
If so, continuing that is a good idea to keep a schedule and pattern going.
If not, I would stay home and ease into school/daycare a few days a week.
You probably don't need both parents at home and it might be better to save leave time to ensure that someone can be out when necessary.
posted by elsietheeel at 8:39 PM on March 22, 2018
Your 7yo has never had to share you, or compete with someone else for your attention. This has been the trickiest part of adding another kid to our family.
Make sure to explain to 7yo that while your attention may be elsewhere sometimes, you always love them. Make space for one-on-one time with each kid.
Allow 7yo to have their feelings without admonishment, and reassure them that you will not be mad at them for expressing unpleasant feelings toward 4yo (we recently have had to navigate "I hate him!"and "I wish he were never born!" feelings from older brother regarding younger brother. Allowing him to express the words in a safe setting has cut down on physical acting out).
Be prepared for 7yo to be extra needy in a way that you probably haven't seen since they were 3 or 4.
One of the ways we build one -on-one time into our day is via the bedtime routine (usually reading books together) and sometimes bathtime.
Be prepared to be overwhelmed by your attention being divided. Each kid will want their own individual attention, and particularly when you are giving it to the other one. This is when I typically get overwhelmed and start yelling. It hurts, especially if you have had an easy relationship with your 7yo this far. I wasn't prepared for being overwhelmed in that way which is why I've handled it so badly. So far only lots and lots of "calm down" talks have helped. A better at home routine and communication would help. This is where you and spouse REALLY need to be on the same team. If you're not, kids can end up getting conflicting directions from parents and then it all goes down the drain from there.
If you have been the more attached parent with 7yo, be prepared for the possibility of 4yo becoming more attached to your spouse, even if you think you are *supposed to be* the more attached parent. Don't let it hurt your feelings. In fact, embrace it, it's a gift.
You are going from zone coverage to man-to-man. It's a little more tiring. Plus there's another person occupying precious real estate in the house. You know how people always make a quiet corner for the kids? We've recently made a quiet corner for the adults. It's an easy chair in the bedroom. When mom or dad are in the easy chair (usually zoning out on our phones) don't bother them!
I think the social worker can give better guidance here but I would say maybe one week at home for 4yo and then start at least half-day daycare, maybe building to fulltime daycare a couple of weeks later. The sooner he(?)gets into a stable routine the better, but I would hate for him to feel like he's just being dumped in daycare.
He's a tad old for it, but Daniel Tiger is a great show for teaching kids about feelings and familial relationships and friendships. Apply liberally.
You don't need too much stuff in the beginning. Ask friends and other parents at school or your local Buy Nothing group for clothes. People love to donate to parents helping out a kid in this situation. You don't need special toiletries beyond a new toothbrush. You need a carseat for each car.
Maybe have 7yo pick out a special book or toy as a welcome home present. Ask 7yo to choose a toy or two that they don't want anymore that can go into 4yo's room.
Maybe order some magnatiles and a couple of other toys for 4yo, but don't create a toy wonderland or take 4yo shopping for toys just yet, kids get overwhelmed in stores and that wouldn't be a good start.
I disagree with the advice above about getting any kind of small pet if you are not yet sure if 4yo will stay with you permanently. What happens if 4yo has to leave and they can't take the pet? That would add extra distress to a difficult situation. But I do agree that finding some little routine or something they can be in charge of around the house is a good idea. It should just be something that can be replicated elsewhere if 4yo has to move again.
Don't overwhelm 4yo with doctor's appintments and dentist appointments, those can wait a few weeks. Just spend some time getting to know one another and building trust. Everything else is a distraction and will overwhelm you all. Take things slow.
Good on you, you all are doing a good thing for this child.
posted by vignettist at 9:55 PM on March 22, 2018
Make sure to explain to 7yo that while your attention may be elsewhere sometimes, you always love them. Make space for one-on-one time with each kid.
Allow 7yo to have their feelings without admonishment, and reassure them that you will not be mad at them for expressing unpleasant feelings toward 4yo (we recently have had to navigate "I hate him!"and "I wish he were never born!" feelings from older brother regarding younger brother. Allowing him to express the words in a safe setting has cut down on physical acting out).
Be prepared for 7yo to be extra needy in a way that you probably haven't seen since they were 3 or 4.
One of the ways we build one -on-one time into our day is via the bedtime routine (usually reading books together) and sometimes bathtime.
Be prepared to be overwhelmed by your attention being divided. Each kid will want their own individual attention, and particularly when you are giving it to the other one. This is when I typically get overwhelmed and start yelling. It hurts, especially if you have had an easy relationship with your 7yo this far. I wasn't prepared for being overwhelmed in that way which is why I've handled it so badly. So far only lots and lots of "calm down" talks have helped. A better at home routine and communication would help. This is where you and spouse REALLY need to be on the same team. If you're not, kids can end up getting conflicting directions from parents and then it all goes down the drain from there.
If you have been the more attached parent with 7yo, be prepared for the possibility of 4yo becoming more attached to your spouse, even if you think you are *supposed to be* the more attached parent. Don't let it hurt your feelings. In fact, embrace it, it's a gift.
You are going from zone coverage to man-to-man. It's a little more tiring. Plus there's another person occupying precious real estate in the house. You know how people always make a quiet corner for the kids? We've recently made a quiet corner for the adults. It's an easy chair in the bedroom. When mom or dad are in the easy chair (usually zoning out on our phones) don't bother them!
I think the social worker can give better guidance here but I would say maybe one week at home for 4yo and then start at least half-day daycare, maybe building to fulltime daycare a couple of weeks later. The sooner he(?)gets into a stable routine the better, but I would hate for him to feel like he's just being dumped in daycare.
He's a tad old for it, but Daniel Tiger is a great show for teaching kids about feelings and familial relationships and friendships. Apply liberally.
You don't need too much stuff in the beginning. Ask friends and other parents at school or your local Buy Nothing group for clothes. People love to donate to parents helping out a kid in this situation. You don't need special toiletries beyond a new toothbrush. You need a carseat for each car.
Maybe have 7yo pick out a special book or toy as a welcome home present. Ask 7yo to choose a toy or two that they don't want anymore that can go into 4yo's room.
Maybe order some magnatiles and a couple of other toys for 4yo, but don't create a toy wonderland or take 4yo shopping for toys just yet, kids get overwhelmed in stores and that wouldn't be a good start.
I disagree with the advice above about getting any kind of small pet if you are not yet sure if 4yo will stay with you permanently. What happens if 4yo has to leave and they can't take the pet? That would add extra distress to a difficult situation. But I do agree that finding some little routine or something they can be in charge of around the house is a good idea. It should just be something that can be replicated elsewhere if 4yo has to move again.
Don't overwhelm 4yo with doctor's appintments and dentist appointments, those can wait a few weeks. Just spend some time getting to know one another and building trust. Everything else is a distraction and will overwhelm you all. Take things slow.
Good on you, you all are doing a good thing for this child.
posted by vignettist at 9:55 PM on March 22, 2018
Prepare all kinds of medicine you might need in different situations.
posted by Tori88 at 4:55 AM on March 23, 2018
posted by Tori88 at 4:55 AM on March 23, 2018
Check with your employer/your state laws to see whether parental leave for you and your spouse includes having a child placed legally in your care. Some apply not just to children born or adopted but also to foster children and children placed by court order.
posted by carrioncomfort at 6:18 AM on March 23, 2018
posted by carrioncomfort at 6:18 AM on March 23, 2018
Couple questions answered... NK is not already in any kind of school or care. We are far enough away from where NK is living now that keeping any friends for playdates is unfortunately not possible. This is a neglect situation, which means we'll need to do lots of assessment and arrange for services, though since we're across state lines it's not clear to me yet how much support we/NK will have from the state. That's definitely a question we have for the social worker. I don't think NK has ever even been read to.
Thanks for everyone stepping up for biokid -- yes we definitely want to be sensitive to his feelings and needs. It's a big change for everyone, we're definitely going to have talks about how we're all going to struggle a bit with the change. Biokid is really, really great at empathy and sharing though for sure he's never had to do THAT much sharing so it'll still be something we'll have to navigate.
We'll definitely get more stuff ahead of time than I was thinking, thank you!
And one good thing, it sounds from my HR dept that adding NK to our insurance is not going to be a big deal at all, which is a huge relief.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 8:33 AM on March 23, 2018
Thanks for everyone stepping up for biokid -- yes we definitely want to be sensitive to his feelings and needs. It's a big change for everyone, we're definitely going to have talks about how we're all going to struggle a bit with the change. Biokid is really, really great at empathy and sharing though for sure he's never had to do THAT much sharing so it'll still be something we'll have to navigate.
We'll definitely get more stuff ahead of time than I was thinking, thank you!
And one good thing, it sounds from my HR dept that adding NK to our insurance is not going to be a big deal at all, which is a huge relief.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 8:33 AM on March 23, 2018
I would enthusiastically second that you pre-plan having one on one time with both kids for the first several months at least. If the parent doesn't predict it on an adult level, I think even the most mature kids might not know how to vocalize that they need some extra attention and time with you.
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:41 AM on March 23, 2018
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:41 AM on March 23, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:14 PM on March 22, 2018