Emotional blackmail via cult participation
March 7, 2018 4:56 PM Subscribe
My mother is part of a religious cult and after two years of not speaking to me, she wants me to go to a meeting. Should I go? (Urgent: need advice within 24 hours)
She's been involved in this religious cult for more than ten years, with participation becoming ever more intense and led ultimately with her separating from my father. She cut me off for two years but reinitiated contact after a series of family crises including the death of family members.
Our relationship is cordial, but last week she uncharacteristically pleaded that I attend 4-2hour sessions on "Finding Happiness" which is run by the cult. She framed it in a very do or die way:" you'll never understand me if you don't go"//"if you go, I'll never ask you to attend any thing from this organization again ever!" She gave the distinct impression that not going would be detrimental to rebuilding our relationship.
Of course, I'm really apprehensive about this invite, including leaving any personal and professional details with the cult. I know the cult is using her as a way of emotionally blackmailing me, and that she may be lying about the promises of not broaching participation in the future. This is the first time she's ever proposed this. But I feel like I can use this to show my mother I am tolerant of her beliefs and have made an effort to understand her.
The meeting is tmrw evening and I'm leaning toward attending at least one session; a sibling has offered to come along and offer moral support.
My question beyond "should I do this" is what can I expect and are there any alternative actions I can take?
Thank you for any insights.
She's been involved in this religious cult for more than ten years, with participation becoming ever more intense and led ultimately with her separating from my father. She cut me off for two years but reinitiated contact after a series of family crises including the death of family members.
Our relationship is cordial, but last week she uncharacteristically pleaded that I attend 4-2hour sessions on "Finding Happiness" which is run by the cult. She framed it in a very do or die way:" you'll never understand me if you don't go"//"if you go, I'll never ask you to attend any thing from this organization again ever!" She gave the distinct impression that not going would be detrimental to rebuilding our relationship.
Of course, I'm really apprehensive about this invite, including leaving any personal and professional details with the cult. I know the cult is using her as a way of emotionally blackmailing me, and that she may be lying about the promises of not broaching participation in the future. This is the first time she's ever proposed this. But I feel like I can use this to show my mother I am tolerant of her beliefs and have made an effort to understand her.
The meeting is tmrw evening and I'm leaning toward attending at least one session; a sibling has offered to come along and offer moral support.
My question beyond "should I do this" is what can I expect and are there any alternative actions I can take?
Thank you for any insights.
This sounds like a recruitment attempt, orchestrated by the cult.
posted by kapers at 5:08 PM on March 7, 2018 [88 favorites]
posted by kapers at 5:08 PM on March 7, 2018 [88 favorites]
If you do go, take the sibling with you.
posted by Fukiyama at 5:10 PM on March 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by Fukiyama at 5:10 PM on March 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
I was all “hell no” until I got to the part where you’d have a buddy. Does it in any way feel dangerous? You can always go, with a buddy and leave right away if it seems wack. Also, your mom is being a real jerk and I’m sorry. You don’t rekindle or repair a relationship with your child by forcing them to attend religious indoctrination events against their will. I don’t think this will repair the relationship.
posted by amanda at 5:11 PM on March 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by amanda at 5:11 PM on March 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
Well, what's the worst that could happen? Assuming this is not some kind of cult where they'll be sacrificing virgins or doing anything else illegal, the worst that'll happen is you're bored for a few hours and your mother is somewhat disappointed that you're not buying into it. Assuming you feel confident in yourself not to fall for this malarkey, just think of it as going to, say, the birthday party of a co-worker you don't really know well, at a venue that's not your thing. Yeah, there's ways you'd rather spend the evening, but you can put up with it for a couple of hours, and it would mean a lot to the other person.
posted by The otter lady at 5:11 PM on March 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by The otter lady at 5:11 PM on March 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
No. This is some Landmark Forum-type bullshit and you should stay as far away as possible.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:12 PM on March 7, 2018 [92 favorites]
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:12 PM on March 7, 2018 [92 favorites]
Say you'll go, with the stated caveat to your mom that if the cult attempts to extract any information, starting with your name, from you or HER, you are going to walk. Bright line this: you are there for her, not the cult, and you will react very poorly to her sharing any of your deets.
In this case you've demonstrated a willingness to understand her, but maintain your boundaries firmly. If pressed, you can gently suggest that she doesn't understand you and your priorities to maintain your privacy(e.g. keep a safe distance away from active cults).
in short, brinksmanship, if she's giving you ultimatums, you can meet her terms and offer your own ultimatums in return.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 5:13 PM on March 7, 2018 [7 favorites]
In this case you've demonstrated a willingness to understand her, but maintain your boundaries firmly. If pressed, you can gently suggest that she doesn't understand you and your priorities to maintain your privacy(e.g. keep a safe distance away from active cults).
in short, brinksmanship, if she's giving you ultimatums, you can meet her terms and offer your own ultimatums in return.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 5:13 PM on March 7, 2018 [7 favorites]
You can always tell her that you're open to attending an event with her in the future but can't attend tomorrow night. "Mom, I'm open to learning more and appreciate your thinking of me but I can't make it tomorrow night. When is another time I can go?"
It makes me so angry that she is putting you -- and the cult is putting her -- under this irrational time limit, which is so manipulative and awful. Of course, there will be other chances if she genuinely cares about reaching out to you and, if not, it's not your fault for not having taken this one. I know you want to help your mom but you have to help and protect yourself first and foremost. There's more than one way to do it and this isn't the only one. I can totally see how the timing makes you want to jump on it though.
How does your brain, heart, and body feel when you think about this? If something inside tells you attending is the right thing to do, then you do it (but prepare to be disappointed or even ambushed.) If you feel anxious and nervous, then stay at home. I know it's so hard watching your mom go through this but this isn't a one-night-only chance to see your favorite old band reunite but rather a chance to connect with your mom and understand her better. She's been opening up to you lately so, chances are, even if she pulls back for awhile, she'll come around to you again. I wish you the best of luck and my heart goes out to you.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:19 PM on March 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
It makes me so angry that she is putting you -- and the cult is putting her -- under this irrational time limit, which is so manipulative and awful. Of course, there will be other chances if she genuinely cares about reaching out to you and, if not, it's not your fault for not having taken this one. I know you want to help your mom but you have to help and protect yourself first and foremost. There's more than one way to do it and this isn't the only one. I can totally see how the timing makes you want to jump on it though.
How does your brain, heart, and body feel when you think about this? If something inside tells you attending is the right thing to do, then you do it (but prepare to be disappointed or even ambushed.) If you feel anxious and nervous, then stay at home. I know it's so hard watching your mom go through this but this isn't a one-night-only chance to see your favorite old band reunite but rather a chance to connect with your mom and understand her better. She's been opening up to you lately so, chances are, even if she pulls back for awhile, she'll come around to you again. I wish you the best of luck and my heart goes out to you.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:19 PM on March 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
And let me also say, I am a parent, and it is not my child's job to understand me. It's my job to understand my kid, give him wings and let him go his own way.
I'm sorry. It's hard to realize your parent has been taken in by a cult. You don't owe your mom anything. Love her, wish her well, but stay away from this kind of nonsense. It's all a scam.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:21 PM on March 7, 2018 [70 favorites]
I'm sorry. It's hard to realize your parent has been taken in by a cult. You don't owe your mom anything. Love her, wish her well, but stay away from this kind of nonsense. It's all a scam.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:21 PM on March 7, 2018 [70 favorites]
So this is eight hours long? At first I wasn’t sure it was really a cult, but if I’m reading the time right, that sounds like an attempt to wear people down. That said, I don’t see harm in going if you bring your sibling and have your own transportation and walk if they demand information. But I also think you’re within your rights to not go and offer to do something else instead - attend a shorter meeting or read a book.
posted by FencingGal at 5:26 PM on March 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 5:26 PM on March 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
I can't picture a situation where you'll be happy you went to this meeting. If you go you'd be going to an unfamiliar place, with an unknown number of people who are a part of this cult, and a mother who cut you off in favour of the cult. She is trying to manipulate you to go and there will be more manipulation when you get there. Don't do it.
If you want to show your mom that you're open minded about her involvement with the cult ask her to send you a book or video that explains it.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 5:31 PM on March 7, 2018 [11 favorites]
If you want to show your mom that you're open minded about her involvement with the cult ask her to send you a book or video that explains it.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 5:31 PM on March 7, 2018 [11 favorites]
There is no way I would go to this. You can show her that you are tolerant of her beliefs without putting yourself in this situation. Since you know “the cult is using her as a way of emotionally blackmailing me, and that she may be lying about the promises of not broaching participation in the future,” I see no reason to give them a foothold or any leverage by putting yourself at their mercy for two hours (which they will try to extend to four, then eight). Stay far away from religious cults is a good rule in general; since you know this is them trying to manipulate you, don’t give them even an inch.
posted by ejs at 5:39 PM on March 7, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by ejs at 5:39 PM on March 7, 2018 [12 favorites]
Four two-hour sessions is a series and beholds you to the cult for a period of time. She is safe(ish) right now, but it is possible that she is under immense pressure to bring you and your sibling in. If you go to one session and decide to stop going, you might be putting her in danger. That's why my advice is to maintain the status quo and not attend her retreat(s).
Her uncharacteristic pleading sounds scary to me. You can assure her that you do not need to understand her religious convictions to love her, but that's really all you can do. You instinct that the cult is using her to get to you is accurate; that's what cults do. You do not need to attend her programs to be tolerant of her beliefs.
You might be interested in reading about the concept of "detaching with love." Your mother is a person who is making choices you don't agree with, but they're hers to make. You will not be demonstrating anything by going to this series of meetings except that you're able to be worn down and compliant with the "proper" motivation.
posted by juniperesque at 5:41 PM on March 7, 2018 [49 favorites]
Her uncharacteristic pleading sounds scary to me. You can assure her that you do not need to understand her religious convictions to love her, but that's really all you can do. You instinct that the cult is using her to get to you is accurate; that's what cults do. You do not need to attend her programs to be tolerant of her beliefs.
You might be interested in reading about the concept of "detaching with love." Your mother is a person who is making choices you don't agree with, but they're hers to make. You will not be demonstrating anything by going to this series of meetings except that you're able to be worn down and compliant with the "proper" motivation.
posted by juniperesque at 5:41 PM on March 7, 2018 [49 favorites]
No, this is manipulative and exposing you to harm. It's a form of abuse. Cults which encourage people to convert or shun close family members are abusive. That she's exposing you to this shows that she has no insight into the damage this cult has already caused in her life and therefore no interest or awareness in protecting you from the cult. If you want to show tolerance by understanding the cult, ask for literature to read but don't put yourself in a situation where you may be blindsided by determined and practiced manipulators of people with your mother's connivance. If she was really interested in a relationship with you, she would not have made re-establishing contact all about her and her cult.
posted by Flitcraft at 5:44 PM on March 7, 2018 [32 favorites]
posted by Flitcraft at 5:44 PM on March 7, 2018 [32 favorites]
This sounds like a recruitment attempt, orchestrated by the cult.
By which I mean, this doesn’t sound at all like a genuine attempt by your mother to reconnect. In fact, it sounds like they’re deliberately preying on your desire for that.
posted by kapers at 5:45 PM on March 7, 2018 [50 favorites]
By which I mean, this doesn’t sound at all like a genuine attempt by your mother to reconnect. In fact, it sounds like they’re deliberately preying on your desire for that.
posted by kapers at 5:45 PM on March 7, 2018 [50 favorites]
Absolutely do not go. Your love for your mother does not mean you have to subject yourself to this group of people, even if just for several hours.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 5:48 PM on March 7, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 5:48 PM on March 7, 2018 [14 favorites]
She framed it in a very do or die way:" you'll never understand me if you don't go"//"if you go, I'll never ask you to attend any thing from this organization again ever!" She gave the distinct impression that not going would be detrimental to rebuilding our relationship.
Well, that’s her problem, isn’t it. Not yours. You are no longer a child. You do not have to do what she tells you.
8 hours?? Yeah, they’re just hoping to wear you down. Nada on this one.
posted by Melismata at 5:52 PM on March 7, 2018 [18 favorites]
Well, that’s her problem, isn’t it. Not yours. You are no longer a child. You do not have to do what she tells you.
8 hours?? Yeah, they’re just hoping to wear you down. Nada on this one.
posted by Melismata at 5:52 PM on March 7, 2018 [18 favorites]
To my mind there are two possible outcomes if you go:
1. You find out that you think the cult is amazing and you've been wrong all along. You end up joining the cult and possibly having a close relationship with your mother.
2. You aren't interested in attending any more of the cult's events. Your mother is offended or angry and your relationship gets worse than it is.
The first outcome seems exceptionally unlikely. There is no upside for you and your relationship with your mother if you do attend.
posted by mcduff at 5:54 PM on March 7, 2018 [14 favorites]
1. You find out that you think the cult is amazing and you've been wrong all along. You end up joining the cult and possibly having a close relationship with your mother.
2. You aren't interested in attending any more of the cult's events. Your mother is offended or angry and your relationship gets worse than it is.
The first outcome seems exceptionally unlikely. There is no upside for you and your relationship with your mother if you do attend.
posted by mcduff at 5:54 PM on March 7, 2018 [14 favorites]
Let me guess, the first thing this 'Finding Happiness' seminar will ask you is what's happened that's made you so unhappy in the first place. They'll wear you down until you bare your soul of anything that's made you miserable, telling you to unburden all the shitty things you feel guilty for (then you'll find happiness, see?)
Then, once they've gotten you to trust them enough to tell them about that affair you once had/chocolate bar you stole/car you dented when you were fifteen, now they've got blackmail material on you forever and you're beholden to them.
If they get you in a group situation where everyone else is doing it, it's going to make it very difficult to not participate, especially over eight hours. That's how they suck you in. The only way to win the game is not to play. I feel very sorry for your mother, I'm sure they're using high pressure tactics on her too but you can't jump off a cliff just because she is and she will need someone whose not swept up in it too, to be there if/when she finally comes to her senses (drained dry of cash probably too at that point, but regardless.) Please don't go, for both your sakes.
posted by Jubey at 5:56 PM on March 7, 2018 [22 favorites]
Then, once they've gotten you to trust them enough to tell them about that affair you once had/chocolate bar you stole/car you dented when you were fifteen, now they've got blackmail material on you forever and you're beholden to them.
If they get you in a group situation where everyone else is doing it, it's going to make it very difficult to not participate, especially over eight hours. That's how they suck you in. The only way to win the game is not to play. I feel very sorry for your mother, I'm sure they're using high pressure tactics on her too but you can't jump off a cliff just because she is and she will need someone whose not swept up in it too, to be there if/when she finally comes to her senses (drained dry of cash probably too at that point, but regardless.) Please don't go, for both your sakes.
posted by Jubey at 5:56 PM on March 7, 2018 [22 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
My mother told me: "you say you respect my religious beliefs, but how can you respect it, if you don't understand it and how big a role it has played in changing my outlook."posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 5:56 PM on March 7, 2018
It's four separate 2.5 hour sessions (weekly) and at night. I'm more concerned about the repercussions toward my mother if we don't attend/or leave during the middle, rather than what might happen at the meeting itself.
A lot of the information is online (lots of religion but nothing about the secret meetings or the organizational hierarchy), but most of it I already know from listening from my mother over the years. She is waking up at 4 in the morning daily to take part in group Skype meetings that include instruction, and there are multiple in person meetings per week. It's really detrimental to her health because she also works full time at a very strenuous job. The cult has made her much more obsessed with the next life and actions that have taken place in other lives (just to be clear, this is outside the US), and we've tried hard to help her maintain linkages with her past, but it seems quite futile especially when she/the cult resort to these measures.
(Please read the end of my answer if my disclaimer is not relevant. Just letting you know I understand this pretty well...)
I live in the land of cults! Landmark, Scientology, the type of yoga I prefer is considered a cult by some, SGI/Nicihiren Buddhism, that Agape Center place on the west side... I could go on, and on, and on.
For an event lasting this long? NO. Don't go.
They will try to recruit you, your mother will NEVER stop trying to get you to go to more events. Your renewed relationship will fail sooner or later when you refuse.
"Mom. I don't need to attend this event to rebuild our relationship. We are family already. If that's not enough for you to maintain a good relationship with me, I understand. I respect we have different interests. I don't need to go to your church to love you. You're my mother, that's enough for me."
Attending this event is not something you can do and have a genuine relationship with your mother. That she implicitly linked future positive relations to attending this event doesn't bode well for your renewed relationship. I hope she can reign herself in and accept you will never be interested in her spiritual pursuits. Best to you as you navigate these tough choices. You shouldn't have to make them. Nope. It's a trap as presented. You can't win either way you turn. Your mom wins back her relationship with you if she can drop this and make your shared relationship separate from her spiritual commitments. I'm so sorry you have to parse this. You're not losing anything you haven't already lost if your mom can't get past this request. Be well.
posted by jbenben at 5:59 PM on March 7, 2018 [55 favorites]
I live in the land of cults! Landmark, Scientology, the type of yoga I prefer is considered a cult by some, SGI/Nicihiren Buddhism, that Agape Center place on the west side... I could go on, and on, and on.
For an event lasting this long? NO. Don't go.
They will try to recruit you, your mother will NEVER stop trying to get you to go to more events. Your renewed relationship will fail sooner or later when you refuse.
"Mom. I don't need to attend this event to rebuild our relationship. We are family already. If that's not enough for you to maintain a good relationship with me, I understand. I respect we have different interests. I don't need to go to your church to love you. You're my mother, that's enough for me."
Attending this event is not something you can do and have a genuine relationship with your mother. That she implicitly linked future positive relations to attending this event doesn't bode well for your renewed relationship. I hope she can reign herself in and accept you will never be interested in her spiritual pursuits. Best to you as you navigate these tough choices. You shouldn't have to make them. Nope. It's a trap as presented. You can't win either way you turn. Your mom wins back her relationship with you if she can drop this and make your shared relationship separate from her spiritual commitments. I'm so sorry you have to parse this. You're not losing anything you haven't already lost if your mom can't get past this request. Be well.
posted by jbenben at 5:59 PM on March 7, 2018 [55 favorites]
My mother told me: "you say you respect my religious beliefs, but how can you respect it, if you don't understand it and how big a role it has played in changing my outlook."
"I respect your religious beliefs because I respect *you*, but I'm not looking for a new path right now. Can you respect that?"
posted by unknowncommand at 6:01 PM on March 7, 2018 [19 favorites]
"I respect your religious beliefs because I respect *you*, but I'm not looking for a new path right now. Can you respect that?"
posted by unknowncommand at 6:01 PM on March 7, 2018 [19 favorites]
To answer “what’s the worst that could happen?”, with some of these orgs, once you are identified as either a potential recruit or an enemy, they will never ever ever leave you alone. I’m not sure I see how you could possibly keep your personal info from them, because they will get it from your mom. If you stay completely detached from this part of her life it’s safer for you AND her.
I don’t think you’re under any obligation to respect or understand her beliefs...does she respect yours? I would let her know you’d rather hear about it from her than ever attend any events. The stakes may seem high but that’s likely intentional to pressure you.
posted by kapers at 6:01 PM on March 7, 2018 [22 favorites]
I don’t think you’re under any obligation to respect or understand her beliefs...does she respect yours? I would let her know you’d rather hear about it from her than ever attend any events. The stakes may seem high but that’s likely intentional to pressure you.
posted by kapers at 6:01 PM on March 7, 2018 [22 favorites]
I forgot the org might target you as an active enemy if you go but don't join (think: Scientology's "suppressive person.") But yeah. This.
posted by jbenben at 6:14 PM on March 7, 2018
posted by jbenben at 6:14 PM on March 7, 2018
I'm more concerned about the repercussions toward my mother if we don't attend/or leave during the middle, rather than what might happen at the meeting itself.
If the cult would punish her for failing to recruit you, at whatever stage of the process recruitment fails, the only way for her to avoid the repercussions is for you to join the cult. So, does it matter what her punishment would be?
posted by Spathe Cadet at 6:23 PM on March 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
If the cult would punish her for failing to recruit you, at whatever stage of the process recruitment fails, the only way for her to avoid the repercussions is for you to join the cult. So, does it matter what her punishment would be?
posted by Spathe Cadet at 6:23 PM on March 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
Don't go. Nothing good can come of it for her or for you.
posted by quince at 6:24 PM on March 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by quince at 6:24 PM on March 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
You know how when we here at AskMe talk about the tenets discussed in The Gift of Fear, or when we answer questions about stalkerish behavior, we always advise 100% zero contact? You know how when we say "if your pursuer calls you 99 times and then you finally answer the phone on the 100th time with the intention of telling them 'don't ever call me again' all you've done is teach them that it takes 100 calls to get your attention"?
That's what's happening to you right now. You've managed to escape the cult's grip for 10 years now. They used the tactic of getting your mom to cut off contact for two years. That didn't work, so now they are changing tactics.
Please do not give in to this awful emotional blackmail. Once this cult figures out how to get you to ignore your own boundaries they will become even more relentless. Please continue to protect yourself by remaining "no contact" with this manipulative organization.
I am sorry that you and your mother and your family are going through this.
posted by vignettist at 6:34 PM on March 7, 2018 [77 favorites]
That's what's happening to you right now. You've managed to escape the cult's grip for 10 years now. They used the tactic of getting your mom to cut off contact for two years. That didn't work, so now they are changing tactics.
Please do not give in to this awful emotional blackmail. Once this cult figures out how to get you to ignore your own boundaries they will become even more relentless. Please continue to protect yourself by remaining "no contact" with this manipulative organization.
I am sorry that you and your mother and your family are going through this.
posted by vignettist at 6:34 PM on March 7, 2018 [77 favorites]
4 2-hour sessions? That's actually a significant commitment. Mom, I miss you and I'd love to see you. I'd be okay with attending the 1st session with no promise to attend more. If it doesn't include some time with you, I'm not really interested. I love you very much.
Any request framed as If you really loved me, you'd... requires careful scrutiny. If she wants you to understand what Cult means to her, she could tell you herself.
This must be awfully hard for you; you have my sympathy.
posted by theora55 at 6:35 PM on March 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
Any request framed as If you really loved me, you'd... requires careful scrutiny. If she wants you to understand what Cult means to her, she could tell you herself.
This must be awfully hard for you; you have my sympathy.
posted by theora55 at 6:35 PM on March 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
"you say you respect my religious beliefs, but how can you respect it, if you don't understand it and how big a role it has played in changing my outlook."
"If the only way I can learn about your religious beliefs is by attending literally ten hours of seminars, then I know all I need to know already about this religion. I respect your right to make adult choices. I will not be blackmailed into you not respecting my own choices to not attend."
posted by jessamyn at 6:36 PM on March 7, 2018 [35 favorites]
"If the only way I can learn about your religious beliefs is by attending literally ten hours of seminars, then I know all I need to know already about this religion. I respect your right to make adult choices. I will not be blackmailed into you not respecting my own choices to not attend."
posted by jessamyn at 6:36 PM on March 7, 2018 [35 favorites]
There is no upside to you going. You won’t “understand” anything better because there isn’t anything to understand - it’s a cult. The fact that your mother is sounding desperate is an indication of the amount of pressure this cult is putting on her to get you to come be recruited, and in fact it should be a clear sign to her that she should leave, but of course that’s not how these things ever play out. I think you need to do some mental detachment in the form of refusing to engage - tell her that if she wants you to understand her, she can explain it herself, but there is no reason for you to interact with this cult. Basically, stop letting her (and the cult) set the rules, and instead start making your own rules. No, you will not go. And if she wants to have a relationship with you, she will stop trying to talk to you about this cult and will start respecting your point of view that it IS a cult.
You don’t have to respect her cult, or her “religious beliefs”. You just don’t. Would you respect Nazis if she decided she was one? Don’t give the cult the legitimacy of respect.
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:38 PM on March 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
You don’t have to respect her cult, or her “religious beliefs”. You just don’t. Would you respect Nazis if she decided she was one? Don’t give the cult the legitimacy of respect.
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:38 PM on March 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
It's also appropriate for you to hear from her what her beliefs are and inappropriate for her to be like "Do you want to understand me? Take four evenings off from your normal life and come do this thing you would otherwise never do." It's like some terrible boyfriend telling you that you have to read Gravity's Rainbow to truly understand him. I am very sorry about your mom, but this is a known Bad Deal.
posted by jessamyn at 6:39 PM on March 7, 2018 [21 favorites]
posted by jessamyn at 6:39 PM on March 7, 2018 [21 favorites]
Why are you trying to prove that you're tolerant of her religious beliefs? You're not, nor should you be. She's in a cult.
No "proof of tolerance" short of joining the cult will ever be acceptable to the people manipulating her, nor to her unless she extricates herself from it. All you'll be doing by acceding to these demands is telling them, 'yes, I can be reeled in, little by little; don't leave me alone, keep trying.'
FFS stay away.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 6:43 PM on March 7, 2018 [18 favorites]
No "proof of tolerance" short of joining the cult will ever be acceptable to the people manipulating her, nor to her unless she extricates herself from it. All you'll be doing by acceding to these demands is telling them, 'yes, I can be reeled in, little by little; don't leave me alone, keep trying.'
FFS stay away.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 6:43 PM on March 7, 2018 [18 favorites]
The very first words of this post are "emotional blackmail."
The fourth word is "cult."
Decontextualize this, and I think you have your answer.
posted by erattacorrige at 6:45 PM on March 7, 2018 [14 favorites]
The fourth word is "cult."
Decontextualize this, and I think you have your answer.
posted by erattacorrige at 6:45 PM on March 7, 2018 [14 favorites]
Does it help you to frame it as if a friend or family member was begging you to attend a more conventional religious service? If your friend was an ardent Catholic and said you could not possibly understand either them or Catholicism without actually attending (multiple) Masses, you'd probably find it ridiculous. You have the entire Internet and hundreds of books from religious scholars if you wanted to learn about Catholicism.
If they can't or won't put information out there for interested folks to learn about their religion unless they are physically there, there's a reason for that.
posted by nakedmolerats at 6:56 PM on March 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
If they can't or won't put information out there for interested folks to learn about their religion unless they are physically there, there's a reason for that.
posted by nakedmolerats at 6:56 PM on March 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
No. Do not engage at all.
posted by robcorr at 6:58 PM on March 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by robcorr at 6:58 PM on March 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
No. Never. Absolutely nothing good will come from you going.
posted by blackzinfandel at 7:03 PM on March 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by blackzinfandel at 7:03 PM on March 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
goodness gracious no.
posted by evilmonk at 7:18 PM on March 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by evilmonk at 7:18 PM on March 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
I did this for my dad when I was young, like 19 after he asked me over and over. It was a kind of family session with non-member family members there. It was fairly stressful and there was pressure to join/learn more if I really loved him, etc., but it wasn't the end of the world and he actually did stop trying to get me to go after I attended the session.
I certainly would not find it stressful now (I'm 52) - I would find it ridicululous and laughable. I don't see any harm in going if you feel like it might help your relationship. It's not like you'll be surprised if they try to recruit you and you might want to be prepared for them getting personal with you like they did with me "Don't you love your mom?"
But that probably won't happen and it will probably just be really boring and cringy and may help your mom feel like you tried. It's not like you're going to join. It's not like it is unsafe*. It's like a really extreme Tupperware party where everyone is really perky and creepy.
I think if you want to make the gesture it's fine. I also think you know it probably won't put an end to things regarding the cult. But I don't see the harm in going once and giving fake info if they ask for it.
*I'm assuming it's not unsafe for you. If it is unsafe, if the idea of people trying to convince you to join a cult is scary, then you shouldn't do it, because that will happen and it will happen in really weird ways and you should not put yourself in that situation for vague benefits that probably won't manifest.
posted by orsonet at 7:25 PM on March 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
I certainly would not find it stressful now (I'm 52) - I would find it ridicululous and laughable. I don't see any harm in going if you feel like it might help your relationship. It's not like you'll be surprised if they try to recruit you and you might want to be prepared for them getting personal with you like they did with me "Don't you love your mom?"
But that probably won't happen and it will probably just be really boring and cringy and may help your mom feel like you tried. It's not like you're going to join. It's not like it is unsafe*. It's like a really extreme Tupperware party where everyone is really perky and creepy.
I think if you want to make the gesture it's fine. I also think you know it probably won't put an end to things regarding the cult. But I don't see the harm in going once and giving fake info if they ask for it.
*I'm assuming it's not unsafe for you. If it is unsafe, if the idea of people trying to convince you to join a cult is scary, then you shouldn't do it, because that will happen and it will happen in really weird ways and you should not put yourself in that situation for vague benefits that probably won't manifest.
posted by orsonet at 7:25 PM on March 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
People saying there's no harm in going and seeing what it's all about have clearly never been to a recruitment session by a cult or cult-like organisation. This is clearly a recruitment attempt and the people organising it are expert manipulators - witness the fact that you are even considering going. They rely on you thinking it is a harmless thing, that you can back out any time you want, to start you on the path of saying "yes" to them. After the first "yes", it becomes easier to keep going along, to keep saying yes, to think maybe they've got a point after all. To let politeness and niceness and the desire to reconnect with your mother get you to do things you're uncomfortable with, to acclimatise you gradually over the space of a month so that it starts feeling like not a big deal, you can fork over money and time for the Skype sessions, for the next insight, whatever it is.
When I was at uni, some friends of mine got me to go along to a Landmark recruitment session. I went because I liked them and they were older than me and I thought there couldn't be anything wrong with it. On the night of the recruitment session, I even paid them a registration fee for a workshop that was clearly going to help me overcome all my rackets and blind spots and live a truly authentic life. I felt uneasy about it though and after I'd had time away to consider, decided not to go. I never got my registration fee back, and it was a not-insignificant amount of money to a college student. I still think it was a very near miss.
Don't go.
posted by Athanassiel at 7:31 PM on March 7, 2018 [22 favorites]
When I was at uni, some friends of mine got me to go along to a Landmark recruitment session. I went because I liked them and they were older than me and I thought there couldn't be anything wrong with it. On the night of the recruitment session, I even paid them a registration fee for a workshop that was clearly going to help me overcome all my rackets and blind spots and live a truly authentic life. I felt uneasy about it though and after I'd had time away to consider, decided not to go. I never got my registration fee back, and it was a not-insignificant amount of money to a college student. I still think it was a very near miss.
Don't go.
posted by Athanassiel at 7:31 PM on March 7, 2018 [22 favorites]
Absolutely do NOT go!
And if you decide to go against the amazing advice above to stay the hell away, do not give them any personal information including your name, email, phone, address, billing info, etc. It's likely a "requirement" for going to these "classes."
posted by Crystalinne at 7:59 PM on March 7, 2018 [7 favorites]
And if you decide to go against the amazing advice above to stay the hell away, do not give them any personal information including your name, email, phone, address, billing info, etc. It's likely a "requirement" for going to these "classes."
posted by Crystalinne at 7:59 PM on March 7, 2018 [7 favorites]
Say you will, but go out with your sibling for dinner instead. It will be more fun.
posted by scruss at 8:16 PM on March 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by scruss at 8:16 PM on March 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
I’m going to add to the chorus of people saying “don’t go.” From what you’ve said, I’m going to go ahead and assume this is Landmark that your mother is involved in. Those people are experts at breaking down your defenses, so the plan of just going for one session to appease your mother is probably not going to go the way you think. I like jessamyn's script.
Reading this, I’m actually kind of nervous for you, and I’m very sorry your mother is treating you this way.
posted by holborne at 8:37 PM on March 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
Reading this, I’m actually kind of nervous for you, and I’m very sorry your mother is treating you this way.
posted by holborne at 8:37 PM on March 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
My mother told me: "you say you respect my religious beliefs, but how can you respect it, if you don't understand it and how big a role it has played in changing my outlook."
This would indicate a form of foot-in-the-door attempt to recruit you into the group. It is a form of cognitive dissonance to place the guilt and onus on you to "prove" that you are open-minded and will go.
It's your mother and that's a bond, but you should not go because the goal post will move. What is defined by "understanding" her religion? How long would this understanding take? The underlying strategy is that if you "understood" it, you would be a member.
I wouldn't argue or justify my actions. I would decline politely, and not go. I would not give reasons or argue. You are not required to give answers. You are not required to get into a debate.
Because it will not be good enough for you just to go. If you give in once, all the giving in will be on your part from now on. You should tell her you love her, and there is a sadness because of this condition to your relationship with her, but you cannot go. You are an adult. You have free will. Use it wisely.
In this case, the less you say, the better. You can always keep the door open for her should she decide it is family first. And then mean it.
This creates a space where you are on equal footing, and you respect yourself. If you go, you are the junior, and she has power and control as the leader determining what you will do next for the cult. If someone in the cult is pressuring her to recruit her family, she very well may be their proxy, and then you have less control because you know how your mother thinks -- and not the leader who more experience recruiting people than you have resisting such overtures, and if they determine that you will accommodate her to keep her happy, they will go after you.
It's your mother, but it is question of wanting one problem or a million of them. Good luck to you. It is easy for people to give another advice, but it is a different thing when it is your family in question. For what it's worth, I don't think it's her -- and that's what is worrying about this scenario.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 8:39 PM on March 7, 2018 [8 favorites]
This would indicate a form of foot-in-the-door attempt to recruit you into the group. It is a form of cognitive dissonance to place the guilt and onus on you to "prove" that you are open-minded and will go.
It's your mother and that's a bond, but you should not go because the goal post will move. What is defined by "understanding" her religion? How long would this understanding take? The underlying strategy is that if you "understood" it, you would be a member.
I wouldn't argue or justify my actions. I would decline politely, and not go. I would not give reasons or argue. You are not required to give answers. You are not required to get into a debate.
Because it will not be good enough for you just to go. If you give in once, all the giving in will be on your part from now on. You should tell her you love her, and there is a sadness because of this condition to your relationship with her, but you cannot go. You are an adult. You have free will. Use it wisely.
In this case, the less you say, the better. You can always keep the door open for her should she decide it is family first. And then mean it.
This creates a space where you are on equal footing, and you respect yourself. If you go, you are the junior, and she has power and control as the leader determining what you will do next for the cult. If someone in the cult is pressuring her to recruit her family, she very well may be their proxy, and then you have less control because you know how your mother thinks -- and not the leader who more experience recruiting people than you have resisting such overtures, and if they determine that you will accommodate her to keep her happy, they will go after you.
It's your mother, but it is question of wanting one problem or a million of them. Good luck to you. It is easy for people to give another advice, but it is a different thing when it is your family in question. For what it's worth, I don't think it's her -- and that's what is worrying about this scenario.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 8:39 PM on March 7, 2018 [8 favorites]
Another vote for no. A "cult" session is not necessarily like sitting through a seminar, with boredom being the worst case. Many go all in on emotional manipulation and abuse to try and wear you down. Often by trying to get you to bare deeply personal stuff publicly. Going and not sharing, or walking out, is a defense but a stressful one under the best of circumstances. With your mother and basically blackmailing you to stay there you don't really even have those as options. I don't know for sure, of course, but the description sure sounds like it's a group that would use high pressure tactics like this and not just Bible study groups.
I'm sorry, this has to be a horrible situation. But I don't think subjecting yourself to eight hours of brutal treatment will help your relationship with her either, not really.
posted by mark k at 9:53 PM on March 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
I'm sorry, this has to be a horrible situation. But I don't think subjecting yourself to eight hours of brutal treatment will help your relationship with her either, not really.
posted by mark k at 9:53 PM on March 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
NO NO NO.
posted by Violet Hour at 10:00 PM on March 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Violet Hour at 10:00 PM on March 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
This emotional blackmail is a tactic they've developed to recruit new members. If you go you'll be demonstrating to them that their tactics are effective on you. They will not stop. They will not respect your boundaries.
They have spent years developing and perfecting their tactics. You should definitely not expose yourself to more of them. If you are not able to resist this emotional blackmail tactic then you will have increasing difficulty resisting their other, more subtle tactics when you are on their territory where they can isolate you and wear you down.
When someone approaches you with irrational ideas you do not owe it to them to engage or respond with rationality. You can simply say "No" without further explanation or discussion. They will not treat you or your boundaries with the respect you are willing to treat theirs. When you engage you have already lost.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 10:19 PM on March 7, 2018 [15 favorites]
They have spent years developing and perfecting their tactics. You should definitely not expose yourself to more of them. If you are not able to resist this emotional blackmail tactic then you will have increasing difficulty resisting their other, more subtle tactics when you are on their territory where they can isolate you and wear you down.
When someone approaches you with irrational ideas you do not owe it to them to engage or respond with rationality. You can simply say "No" without further explanation or discussion. They will not treat you or your boundaries with the respect you are willing to treat theirs. When you engage you have already lost.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 10:19 PM on March 7, 2018 [15 favorites]
I would not go. I have family's in a cult. If they ever blackmailed me by saying what your mother said to you, I'd cut them off without a second thought. Think of it this way, if you loved someone, would you say to them "You'll never understand me if you don't read this book?" (Insert other activity as needed.) Of course not. You'd give them the option, but not threaten them if they didn't. It's a trap.
Try telling her that if she loves you, she'll go with you to see a deprogrammer. I'm guessing the result will be the same.
posted by greermahoney at 11:03 PM on March 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
Try telling her that if she loves you, she'll go with you to see a deprogrammer. I'm guessing the result will be the same.
posted by greermahoney at 11:03 PM on March 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
it is a really crappy situation that you are in. She is basically threatening to withhold affection to get you to do what she wants. You want to demonstrate to her that you do care about her, but unfortunately what going along will actually demonstrate is that these sort of threats work, which is no basis for a good relationship.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:36 PM on March 7, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:36 PM on March 7, 2018 [7 favorites]
You don't actually respect her beliefs, do you? That's allright. You can respect her without respecting her beliefs. You can respect her right to have those beliefs, while not respecting the beliefs themselves.
If she's giving you that line of 'how can you respect them without understanding them?' again, I would go with unknowncommand's script, except I would leave off the words 'right now'. In fact I would even leave off the 'but' and anything after. There's no need to explain or justify.
'It's not for me' should be enough if anything needs to be said. After that, 'it just isn't' on repeat.
Don't go. It won't solve anything. And you won't be able to stop them from getting your details. They can get them from her anytime.
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:53 AM on March 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
If she's giving you that line of 'how can you respect them without understanding them?' again, I would go with unknowncommand's script, except I would leave off the words 'right now'. In fact I would even leave off the 'but' and anything after. There's no need to explain or justify.
'It's not for me' should be enough if anything needs to be said. After that, 'it just isn't' on repeat.
Don't go. It won't solve anything. And you won't be able to stop them from getting your details. They can get them from her anytime.
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:53 AM on March 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
Please don't go.
Every time your mother tries to manipulate you into becoming involved with this cult, invite her to dinner, or to go shopping, or for a walk in a park, or to a local event. Preferably with your sibling as well. Even better if it's the same time as the sessions. Cults function by taking people who are already isolated and isolating them more. I'm not saying that quality time with your mom will free her from the cult, but if you want to reconnect with her on your terms, you have to actually have terms that she can try (or not) to meet. You being forced to spend ten hours being manipulated and likely abused and opening your mother up to scrutiny based on your actions is not acceptable terms.
posted by Mizu at 1:12 AM on March 8, 2018 [13 favorites]
Every time your mother tries to manipulate you into becoming involved with this cult, invite her to dinner, or to go shopping, or for a walk in a park, or to a local event. Preferably with your sibling as well. Even better if it's the same time as the sessions. Cults function by taking people who are already isolated and isolating them more. I'm not saying that quality time with your mom will free her from the cult, but if you want to reconnect with her on your terms, you have to actually have terms that she can try (or not) to meet. You being forced to spend ten hours being manipulated and likely abused and opening your mother up to scrutiny based on your actions is not acceptable terms.
posted by Mizu at 1:12 AM on March 8, 2018 [13 favorites]
No way. Nothing good will come of this.
posted by plep at 1:48 AM on March 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by plep at 1:48 AM on March 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
She wants you to do this as a gesture of love and support. If you want to show her love and support, then go. You are your own person and nobody can make you join or participate further than you wish. If you mother insists, you can tell her that you just aren't interested, and that you still love her no matter what.
posted by Mr. Fig at 3:05 AM on March 8, 2018
posted by Mr. Fig at 3:05 AM on March 8, 2018
I once went to a religious "away day" because some people I cared about entreated me to "give it a try".
I still remember how hollow, drained and emotionally battered it left me feeling.
Adding my voice to others here saying don't go. You don't owe it to your mother, and if your experience is anything like mine, it will leave you wishing you could take that time back.
posted by greenish at 3:24 AM on March 8, 2018 [9 favorites]
I still remember how hollow, drained and emotionally battered it left me feeling.
Adding my voice to others here saying don't go. You don't owe it to your mother, and if your experience is anything like mine, it will leave you wishing you could take that time back.
posted by greenish at 3:24 AM on March 8, 2018 [9 favorites]
She framed it in a very do or die way:" you'll never understand me if you don't go"//"if you go, I'll never ask you to attend any thing from this organization again ever!" She gave the distinct impression that not going would be detrimental to rebuilding our relationship.
People who love you don't give you ultimatums like this - after all, she wants you to understand her but seems to have no interest in understanding you. This kind of manipulation is Cult 101 for friends and family and you should recognize that this is not your mom's request but the cult's. Don't give them what they want when they've already taken so much from you.
posted by notorious medium at 5:24 AM on March 8, 2018 [12 favorites]
People who love you don't give you ultimatums like this - after all, she wants you to understand her but seems to have no interest in understanding you. This kind of manipulation is Cult 101 for friends and family and you should recognize that this is not your mom's request but the cult's. Don't give them what they want when they've already taken so much from you.
posted by notorious medium at 5:24 AM on March 8, 2018 [12 favorites]
My late sibling used emotional blackmail to get me to participate in some of the many cultish things they were drawn to throughout their life. They were always trying to sell me on something or persuade me to do, read, attend, or buy something that surely was the key to my own everlasting and personal happiness.
It never ended. Nor will this ever end, with you. Acquiesce to this, and there will be something else. And on and on and on. Say no now, and keep saying no.
posted by 41swans at 5:54 AM on March 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
It never ended. Nor will this ever end, with you. Acquiesce to this, and there will be something else. And on and on and on. Say no now, and keep saying no.
posted by 41swans at 5:54 AM on March 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
Think of it this way: would you invite a family member, or even your spouse, to an hour-long office training session in order to understand your job?
We'll try something more identity-related: you might invite a loved one to an hour-long course in your favorite hobby. That could be fun. But only if they wanted to, otherwise what's the point? And you don't need to know how to purl in order to enjoy a relative's knitting and respect what it says about them.
Ten hours of your life that you already don't want to give away? Respect your own answer :)
posted by fraula at 5:56 AM on March 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
We'll try something more identity-related: you might invite a loved one to an hour-long course in your favorite hobby. That could be fun. But only if they wanted to, otherwise what's the point? And you don't need to know how to purl in order to enjoy a relative's knitting and respect what it says about them.
Ten hours of your life that you already don't want to give away? Respect your own answer :)
posted by fraula at 5:56 AM on March 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Cults are like abusers; they lie and they don't respect boundaries and they make threats. Don't put yourself at their mercy for any amount of time.
posted by emjaybee at 6:08 AM on March 8, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by emjaybee at 6:08 AM on March 8, 2018 [7 favorites]
the reason you should not consider doing is is that the invitation itself is being extended in bed faith. It is a lie.
This is not your mother asking you to do set aside time so you can share something important with you, like when my mom invites me to attend a concert with her.
This is the cult, using your mother as a pawn and mouthpiece, demanding that she provide fresh meat for them. It's a big part of what they demand from their members (in addition to money.) They are lying to her, and she is repeating it to you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:10 AM on March 8, 2018 [23 favorites]
This is not your mother asking you to do set aside time so you can share something important with you, like when my mom invites me to attend a concert with her.
This is the cult, using your mother as a pawn and mouthpiece, demanding that she provide fresh meat for them. It's a big part of what they demand from their members (in addition to money.) They are lying to her, and she is repeating it to you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:10 AM on March 8, 2018 [23 favorites]
I have a very close and loving relationship with my mother. We live far away from each other, but we talk on the phone daily for 20-30 minutes. This is a good, healthy and valuable relationship for both of us. If she asked me to attend an 8 hour seminar on anything -- something she was selling, a timeshare she wanted to buy, a hobby she is involved with -- I would very likely say no, and she would accept that without badgering me. Who has that kind of time? [unless I felt I needed to go along to protect her for some reason, which doesn't seem to be the case for you]
I doubt she would ask though -- It's far more likely that she would say something like "I'm going to this series of seminars about X. I'm really looking forward to it because of Y and Z." And she would trust me to say "oh, can I go with you?" if I was interested. And if I WAS interested, I would not hesitate to invite myself along.
So my vote is no. This is not a request or dynamic that would be a part of a healthy relationship, and it's hard to see how this could spark the growth of such a relationship. Do not go.
posted by OrangeDisk at 6:26 AM on March 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
I doubt she would ask though -- It's far more likely that she would say something like "I'm going to this series of seminars about X. I'm really looking forward to it because of Y and Z." And she would trust me to say "oh, can I go with you?" if I was interested. And if I WAS interested, I would not hesitate to invite myself along.
So my vote is no. This is not a request or dynamic that would be a part of a healthy relationship, and it's hard to see how this could spark the growth of such a relationship. Do not go.
posted by OrangeDisk at 6:26 AM on March 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Hard no. And don't bring anyone, thinking you will be ok. Because they will look to separate you, and convince one of you apart from the other. Then, you'll be fighting two people you care about that have been brainwashed.
Safest for everyone is to stay away. It's hard - like having an alcoholic you love dearly, begging, pleading, telling you how much it hurts and you're killing them if you don't give them a drink.
But just one drink is too many to give them.
posted by rich at 7:46 AM on March 8, 2018 [9 favorites]
Safest for everyone is to stay away. It's hard - like having an alcoholic you love dearly, begging, pleading, telling you how much it hurts and you're killing them if you don't give them a drink.
But just one drink is too many to give them.
posted by rich at 7:46 AM on March 8, 2018 [9 favorites]
Please, please, please do not go. This is a bad idea.
posted by uberchet at 8:28 AM on March 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by uberchet at 8:28 AM on March 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have no idea which cult this is, but I am *certain* that part of their doctrine is that any reasonable person who sits through the eight hour initiation will join up. To do the eight hour seminar and then walk away marks you as obstinate, and that’s how your mother will see it.
There’s no way that you will go to this seminar and then have a normal relationship with your mother afterward.
posted by chrchr at 9:29 AM on March 8, 2018 [7 favorites]
There’s no way that you will go to this seminar and then have a normal relationship with your mother afterward.
posted by chrchr at 9:29 AM on March 8, 2018 [7 favorites]
If your goal is to stay disengaged from this group, going to this event will send the wrong message. You will be letting them know that you are vulnerable to this sort of pressure when your mother exerts it, and, given how you've described them, they will use that to their advantage.
I would treat this as any self-destructive choice a loved one makes. Continue to love and support the person and refrain from supporting the behavior.
posted by dancing_angel at 11:11 AM on March 8, 2018
I would treat this as any self-destructive choice a loved one makes. Continue to love and support the person and refrain from supporting the behavior.
posted by dancing_angel at 11:11 AM on March 8, 2018
Mod note: From the OP:
Thank you all for the helpful and heartfelt responses. Me and my sibling read through them all and decided quite at the 11th hour not to attend with your responses playing a pivotal role in tipping the scales. We instead had a nice dinner and talked about how we would move forward from all of this (in a way we have, and for ten years). I say without exaggeration that I often consider Metafilter to be a surrogate family over the years. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 12:01 PM on March 8, 2018 [72 favorites]
Do not go. I think other people have covered better than I could various diplomatic things to say about it, so I'm going to flip this: when your mom pulls the "you won't ever understand me if you don't go / you don't respect my beliefs if you don't go" tell her you're really concerned that she'll never be able to relate to you if she doesn't go to an outside therapist who specializes in deprogramming.
Do not go. This could be very dangerous for you, your friend, and your mom. I know a lot of folks are like "well it might be boring" but there's the possibility that you or your friend will get sucked in, or perpetually harassed, or hurt in some way - sometimes cults do kill people, and they can make your life pretty awful. I'm sorry your mom is acting like this, but you need to put your own safety - mental and physical - first, and once they've got their foot in the door they will never, ever stop.
posted by bile and syntax at 6:25 PM on March 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Do not go. This could be very dangerous for you, your friend, and your mom. I know a lot of folks are like "well it might be boring" but there's the possibility that you or your friend will get sucked in, or perpetually harassed, or hurt in some way - sometimes cults do kill people, and they can make your life pretty awful. I'm sorry your mom is acting like this, but you need to put your own safety - mental and physical - first, and once they've got their foot in the door they will never, ever stop.
posted by bile and syntax at 6:25 PM on March 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm so glad you aren't going, OP. Nothing good would come from going to those meetings.
posted by sarcasticah at 7:03 PM on March 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by sarcasticah at 7:03 PM on March 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
Rarely have I come to the end of an askmefi and felt physical relief. I did just now. I’m very glad to hear your decision and wish you the best with your mom.
posted by greermahoney at 9:36 PM on March 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by greermahoney at 9:36 PM on March 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
Very, very glad to see that you are not going. If something like this ever comes up again, you could try asking yourself if you’d go to a time-share presentation or a Tupperware party with someone who used these tactics.
This is classic high-pressure sales applied to deeply personal emotional and spiritual relationships. The situation is toxic no matter how you handle it.
posted by rpfields at 10:14 AM on March 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is classic high-pressure sales applied to deeply personal emotional and spiritual relationships. The situation is toxic no matter how you handle it.
posted by rpfields at 10:14 AM on March 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I would not believe her on that promise. Maybe she won't exactly ask you to attend, but she'll keep after you about it in other ways.
You don't describe the "cult" very clearly — from our point of view, this could be a standard fundamentalist church, or it could be something a whole lot more sinister. If it's the former, I would go. They won't bite. If it's the latter, stay away.
posted by beagle at 5:08 PM on March 7, 2018 [10 favorites]