Moving to take care of ailing parent?
March 2, 2018 7:13 AM Subscribe
My mother's health has deteriorated significantly in the past three years; her husband isn't handling her most recent medical situation well at all, and my sister and I are considering long-term living situations for her. Should I leave?
Over the past few years, my mother has been afflicted with a few significant health problems: liver disease, diabetes, and most recently, cancer. She lives in a small town a few hours outside of a large US city where much of our extended family lives. We have a very close extended family and tend to rotate responsibilities taking care of one another's personal crises. My mother's long-term partner (now husband) has been a great caregiver as well, up until recently, where he declared my mother, while incapacitated in the hospital, to be "acting like a baby" "needs to stop whining" and claimed that he "was done with her". There have been other things that happened before this that were problematic, but this is the first time I've seen him act so harshly toward her. He may have just been exhausted from being at the hospital, but I no longer trust him as a good partner or person to help be a caregiver for my mother.
The issue is that neither my sister nor I live anywhere close to where my family lives. We both live in cities approximately 8-10 hours away, thus, my mother's husband and my extended family have done most of the care when my mother is ill. Even though they're willing to do this, now that my mother's husband doesn't seem like a reliable person, I don't feel like it's right to have them take on the weight of her care.
In my mind, the options are the following:
1) mom moves in with me or sister
2) sister or I move closer to be a more regular caregiver
3) things stay the way they are
#3 makes me wary. Even though things could improve between my mom and her husband, his attitude makes me unconfident of this. If he doesn't care for her, that leaves my extended family to be caregivers.
#1 is a definite option, but would render either one of us the sole caregiver. We don't have family in the cities where we live, beyond my sister's husband.
#2 seems like the best option to make sure mom is being cared for without overtaxing my family, but my sister just bought a house and can't really move any time soon, which means that I would need to be the one to move closer.
I feel like I should say, of course I would move in a heartbeat to take care of my mother, but I would grieve leaving. I have a great job that's unique to where I live and have a strong network, a great boyfriend (who would likely not move with me), wonderful friends, all of the things. In my mind, I've committed to this city as home. I feel selfish for having an internal conflict at all, but I do.
I also don't know how to navigate the role reversal of sorts of having conversations with my mom about taking care of her. What does this look like? I can't really force her to leave her husband or make changes in her life so that my sister and I are taking more care of her.
Please help. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Over the past few years, my mother has been afflicted with a few significant health problems: liver disease, diabetes, and most recently, cancer. She lives in a small town a few hours outside of a large US city where much of our extended family lives. We have a very close extended family and tend to rotate responsibilities taking care of one another's personal crises. My mother's long-term partner (now husband) has been a great caregiver as well, up until recently, where he declared my mother, while incapacitated in the hospital, to be "acting like a baby" "needs to stop whining" and claimed that he "was done with her". There have been other things that happened before this that were problematic, but this is the first time I've seen him act so harshly toward her. He may have just been exhausted from being at the hospital, but I no longer trust him as a good partner or person to help be a caregiver for my mother.
The issue is that neither my sister nor I live anywhere close to where my family lives. We both live in cities approximately 8-10 hours away, thus, my mother's husband and my extended family have done most of the care when my mother is ill. Even though they're willing to do this, now that my mother's husband doesn't seem like a reliable person, I don't feel like it's right to have them take on the weight of her care.
In my mind, the options are the following:
1) mom moves in with me or sister
2) sister or I move closer to be a more regular caregiver
3) things stay the way they are
#3 makes me wary. Even though things could improve between my mom and her husband, his attitude makes me unconfident of this. If he doesn't care for her, that leaves my extended family to be caregivers.
#1 is a definite option, but would render either one of us the sole caregiver. We don't have family in the cities where we live, beyond my sister's husband.
#2 seems like the best option to make sure mom is being cared for without overtaxing my family, but my sister just bought a house and can't really move any time soon, which means that I would need to be the one to move closer.
I feel like I should say, of course I would move in a heartbeat to take care of my mother, but I would grieve leaving. I have a great job that's unique to where I live and have a strong network, a great boyfriend (who would likely not move with me), wonderful friends, all of the things. In my mind, I've committed to this city as home. I feel selfish for having an internal conflict at all, but I do.
I also don't know how to navigate the role reversal of sorts of having conversations with my mom about taking care of her. What does this look like? I can't really force her to leave her husband or make changes in her life so that my sister and I are taking more care of her.
Please help. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Can you have an honest and frank conversation with your mom about what she would prefer? Ideally, without the husband there. His words raise a lot of red flags, but he certainly wouldn't be the first family member of a cancer patient to say harsh things during a health crisis.
Check out this website for cancer caregivers, particularly this page on making a caregiver plan, for ideas and resources.
I think there are other options than what you've presented. For example, you and your sister may want to explore taking FMLA and taking turns caring for your mom without turning your whole life upside down.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 7:54 AM on March 2, 2018 [16 favorites]
Check out this website for cancer caregivers, particularly this page on making a caregiver plan, for ideas and resources.
I think there are other options than what you've presented. For example, you and your sister may want to explore taking FMLA and taking turns caring for your mom without turning your whole life upside down.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 7:54 AM on March 2, 2018 [16 favorites]
I would think you would have to be careful. Her husband may not want to turn over care to you. But, since you say he is saying terrible things to her, maybe he'd love it.
As suggested by beccaj above I'd also suggest you try to find outside help for her. If she has good health insurance it may be something to consider.
I was the full time caregiver for my ailing wife for more than 3 years before she passed away. And I considered it an honor to do so.
I'll be hoping things get better.
posted by JayRwv at 7:57 AM on March 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
As suggested by beccaj above I'd also suggest you try to find outside help for her. If she has good health insurance it may be something to consider.
I was the full time caregiver for my ailing wife for more than 3 years before she passed away. And I considered it an honor to do so.
I'll be hoping things get better.
posted by JayRwv at 7:57 AM on March 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
You sound like an amazingly responsible, good, empathic person and daughter. This is just my opinion: Don't feel guilty about building your own life where you are. Care for an aging parent shouldn't come at the cost of making your own life. When your caretaking of your mother is over, would you still have all these connections you are considering leaving?
I may be in the minority, but I think caring for a spouse "in sickness and health" is a different thing -- a necessary part of a long partnership through life together. But the younger generation doesn't necessarily have to put their own life on hold to care for the inevitable waning of the older. There is also a responsibility to making your own way. If you lived nearby and didn't have to sacrifice a job, friendships and romantic relationship, of course it would be different; you would sacrifice your time but it wouldn't be sacrificing all those other parts of your life that you rightly cherish.
It sounds like it might even be just as financially sensible to keep your job and take turns with your sister to each fly once month or so for a long weekend, to give the extended family a break. Definitely look into visiting nurses.
posted by velveeta underground at 8:20 AM on March 2, 2018 [20 favorites]
I may be in the minority, but I think caring for a spouse "in sickness and health" is a different thing -- a necessary part of a long partnership through life together. But the younger generation doesn't necessarily have to put their own life on hold to care for the inevitable waning of the older. There is also a responsibility to making your own way. If you lived nearby and didn't have to sacrifice a job, friendships and romantic relationship, of course it would be different; you would sacrifice your time but it wouldn't be sacrificing all those other parts of your life that you rightly cherish.
It sounds like it might even be just as financially sensible to keep your job and take turns with your sister to each fly once month or so for a long weekend, to give the extended family a break. Definitely look into visiting nurses.
posted by velveeta underground at 8:20 AM on March 2, 2018 [20 favorites]
I'm sorry you're going through this. Do you think it's possible that maybe your mom's husband is just overwhelmed right now, and said the things he did out of frustration? Maybe instead of moving there to take care of your mom, you could do something to help her husband get through this better. Could you pay for a cleaning person to come regularly, or grocery delivery, or a dog-walker if they have a dog? Something that would take some things off his plate. If he's been a great caregiver up to now, it's possible that maybe he's just momentarily at the end of his rope and nothing as drastic as you moving there needs to be done right now.
posted by jabes at 8:28 AM on March 2, 2018 [25 favorites]
posted by jabes at 8:28 AM on March 2, 2018 [25 favorites]
It sounds harsh, but: Do not give up your life for this. Do not upend your life for this. There is family there. If that's not sufficient, then moving her to you is the next best option.
posted by uberchet at 8:47 AM on March 2, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by uberchet at 8:47 AM on March 2, 2018 [11 favorites]
How old is your mother? Is she mentally competent? What arrangements does she want to make for her own care?
posted by Squeak Attack at 8:51 AM on March 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Squeak Attack at 8:51 AM on March 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
Maybe some help for the husband, too, please? I'm a caregiver, and I am here to speak for the grumpy and overworked. If he was great to her before and he's complaining now, and he has been her primary caregiver fro the past 3 years, please cut him a little slack, especially if it seems out of character. I understand the urge to just work around him is strong, but maybe more involvement from the extended family would help him as well?
posted by ottergrrl at 9:50 AM on March 2, 2018 [20 favorites]
posted by ottergrrl at 9:50 AM on March 2, 2018 [20 favorites]
The FMLA suggestion is pretty appealing. If you could each take 1 or 2 long weekends a month and fly to Mom's, you could care for her ensure that she is safe and well cared-for, and give her husband a break.
As you consider things, keep in mind that while she may bounce back from any given episode, she is likely to get worse over time, and may require nursing home care. The plan needs to be long-range. You could maybe help her get rid of excess stuff as this is a major issue as people age and lose capability.
She's lucky to have you 2 looking out for her.
posted by theora55 at 9:54 AM on March 2, 2018 [9 favorites]
As you consider things, keep in mind that while she may bounce back from any given episode, she is likely to get worse over time, and may require nursing home care. The plan needs to be long-range. You could maybe help her get rid of excess stuff as this is a major issue as people age and lose capability.
She's lucky to have you 2 looking out for her.
posted by theora55 at 9:54 AM on March 2, 2018 [9 favorites]
When somebody is seriously sick, sometimes the people close to them go into a harsh state of denial. They're trying to rearrange reality: if only the ill person would (try harder, stop pretending, stop being defeatist, stop taking themselves so seriously) it would be possible to make progress with whatever the problem is. I'm posting because I've seen this a few times. It must be alarming to you but possibly what it indicates maybe not what you think.
There is so much emotional pressure on seriously sick people to get better by magic, more or less! It is totally a thing, and maybe her husband is desperately trying to make the illness not be true. I'm sorry you are going through this very difficult situation. Don't let guilt make you sacrifice yourself, that may not be what your mother needs most at all. Discussing and researching is what you need to do now as others have said above.
posted by glasseyes at 11:48 AM on March 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
There is so much emotional pressure on seriously sick people to get better by magic, more or less! It is totally a thing, and maybe her husband is desperately trying to make the illness not be true. I'm sorry you are going through this very difficult situation. Don't let guilt make you sacrifice yourself, that may not be what your mother needs most at all. Discussing and researching is what you need to do now as others have said above.
posted by glasseyes at 11:48 AM on March 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
As mentioned above, you should investigate option 4, which involves her staying in her town and getting more professional care or another system besides things being just as they are. This might mean extended family being more involved, plus paid caregiving, plus elder services, plus more visits from you and your sister. It might mean her moving to assisted living. It could mean a lot of things, but you should investigate those options at least as thoroughly as the idea of you moving in with her, which really doesn't sound like the very best plan.
posted by gideonfrog at 1:16 PM on March 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by gideonfrog at 1:16 PM on March 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
You really do need to speak to your mother before you make a decision; she is a married adult and you can't (legally, I believe) overrule her husband, either. Also, that you love her and want her to be well-cared for is wonderful, but the sacrifice you are willing to consider may not even be something she wants. There are some health-care services (I cannot voice for Senior Helpers, but I know that it exists and similar services) that were created specifically to help care for older, ill adults. You have more than 3 choices; please don't move away from your great boyfriend and turn your life upside down before you have discussed this with your mom and her spouse; the other family members who have been helping out; your sister (if you haven't already) and your boyfriend (if you are serious about him). You don't need to solve this problem alone. Talk to everybody you can, including your mom's health-care providers (if she will give you permission and sign papers) so you and your family can get the benefit of a bunch of different perspectives and experiences before your family makes a decision. This sounds really hard. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:45 PM on March 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 1:45 PM on March 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
Nthing that your mom is an adult and, no matter how loving your intention, you can't make decisions about her moving away from her life or leave her husband out of the picture, even if you aren't happy with the way he's treating her. Unless your mother tells you she wants to leave her husband or he decides to leave her, you are pretty much stuck with him as part of this situation. Try to preserve a good relationship with him. If he becomes antagonistic toward you, it could get really ugly. That could also be a huge stress on your mom.
I think you need to bring in some local people who understand the situation. Is there a social worker at the hospital? That might be a good place to start. If you can find a good social worker, that person will not only be familiar with the emotional ins and outs of something like this, but will also be plugged into what services are available. We went through something similar with my aunt, and it's amazing the senior services that are available in some places to help you navigate just this kind of decision and also to provide assistance to people if they need it (and will accept help - lots of elderly people won't, and that's a different problem).
It's obvious that you care deeply about your mom and want to do the right thing by her, but this is just a tough situation. I would really recommend against upending your life to move closer to her if you can possibly avoid it. It might be something you feel like you have to do eventually, but don't jump the gun on this one.
posted by FencingGal at 2:08 PM on March 2, 2018
I think you need to bring in some local people who understand the situation. Is there a social worker at the hospital? That might be a good place to start. If you can find a good social worker, that person will not only be familiar with the emotional ins and outs of something like this, but will also be plugged into what services are available. We went through something similar with my aunt, and it's amazing the senior services that are available in some places to help you navigate just this kind of decision and also to provide assistance to people if they need it (and will accept help - lots of elderly people won't, and that's a different problem).
It's obvious that you care deeply about your mom and want to do the right thing by her, but this is just a tough situation. I would really recommend against upending your life to move closer to her if you can possibly avoid it. It might be something you feel like you have to do eventually, but don't jump the gun on this one.
posted by FencingGal at 2:08 PM on March 2, 2018
Two years ago, I moved across country in anticipation of my parents' increasing incapacitation. I grabbed at a job opportunity that was a bit of professional jolt (I went from being an agency counsel to a non-legal job supervising 35 people). During the last year, my mother has been hospitalized four times, and all I keep thinking is "thank God I made the move in time." Most of the family is within an hour and a half of here, but nobody can devote as much time as I can to taking care of her. My Dad tries to be helpful, but has vascular dementia, so he actually creates more work.
If you trust that other family members will advocate for your mother to health care professionals the way that you would, and that other family members and paid caregivers would take care of her the way you would, then don't go. But I know that NOBODY can do those things better than I can, and that has been borne out time and time again over the last year.
Yes, it was easy for me, because I don't have kids, and my career turned out to be portable, but I still left behind 25 years of life on the other coast. My mom has chronic heart failure which can only be managed, but inevitably worsens. I won't get those 25 years back, but I can be here for her now in a way that nobody else has the time or care to be, and she appreciates that.
Having said all of this, it's not easy living with my elderly parents. I feel like I have two full-time jobs. My weekends are filled with errands I run for or with my parents. They are set in their ways, and will not always make lifestyle concessions that would make MY life easier. (My Dad has to have dinner in front of him at 6 p.m. After 65 years of marriage he thinks it just magically happens. He hasn't noticed the hoops I have to jump through to make sure I get dinner on the table at 6.)
Good luck whichever way you decide. These are hard choices.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 2:34 PM on March 2, 2018
If you trust that other family members will advocate for your mother to health care professionals the way that you would, and that other family members and paid caregivers would take care of her the way you would, then don't go. But I know that NOBODY can do those things better than I can, and that has been borne out time and time again over the last year.
Yes, it was easy for me, because I don't have kids, and my career turned out to be portable, but I still left behind 25 years of life on the other coast. My mom has chronic heart failure which can only be managed, but inevitably worsens. I won't get those 25 years back, but I can be here for her now in a way that nobody else has the time or care to be, and she appreciates that.
Having said all of this, it's not easy living with my elderly parents. I feel like I have two full-time jobs. My weekends are filled with errands I run for or with my parents. They are set in their ways, and will not always make lifestyle concessions that would make MY life easier. (My Dad has to have dinner in front of him at 6 p.m. After 65 years of marriage he thinks it just magically happens. He hasn't noticed the hoops I have to jump through to make sure I get dinner on the table at 6.)
Good luck whichever way you decide. These are hard choices.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 2:34 PM on March 2, 2018
I think you need to consider her husband might be having some age related cognitive issues. His words sound familiar.
posted by fshgrl at 4:37 PM on March 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 4:37 PM on March 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Good luck with what you decided to do long term.
posted by beccaj at 7:25 AM on March 2, 2018 [8 favorites]