Shame! Shame! I let 3 months of inertia wreck my finances
October 27, 2017 11:07 PM Subscribe
I lost my freelance income about three months ago and just ... didn't hustle to replace it? Now I'm in debt and have to take action. Do you have any practical ideas for moving on like an adult and side-stepping the shame spiral?
A few quick things:
--This is 100% my fault. I'm still not sure why I did it. Something to do with ADHD and indecision.
--The debt is bad, but could be worse. Most of it is at 0% until August 2018. I have about 40k in retirement funds, but hope I can get away without touching it because of taxes and penalties.
--I went to some temp agencies this week. The rate is WAY less than what I've made in the past, but anything to plug the hole, ya know (And the routine might jostle me out of this disassociated state!)
How can I fix this and move past it without shame spiraling? I would esp. love to hear from people who dug themselves in a hole (for any reason) and got out of it. Thanks!!
A few quick things:
--This is 100% my fault. I'm still not sure why I did it. Something to do with ADHD and indecision.
--The debt is bad, but could be worse. Most of it is at 0% until August 2018. I have about 40k in retirement funds, but hope I can get away without touching it because of taxes and penalties.
--I went to some temp agencies this week. The rate is WAY less than what I've made in the past, but anything to plug the hole, ya know (And the routine might jostle me out of this disassociated state!)
How can I fix this and move past it without shame spiraling? I would esp. love to hear from people who dug themselves in a hole (for any reason) and got out of it. Thanks!!
First step: You must honestly assess the situation, but to do that, you're going to need to not blame yourself or freak out about it. Pretend you're a scientist or consultant brought in to figure out a solution to a problem. Put on your lab coat and pick up your clipboard. Figure out whatever scenario you can to drain every bit of emotion out of the situation. FAULT DOESN'T MATTER. SHAME WILL NOT HELP HERE. You're in a situation. You want to fix it. That's amazing! Good job! You get cookies and gold stars.
Start from zero and chill out on yourself. There's nothing to see here, guilt and old tapes and bad old messages that want to repeat in your brain. Nothing to see here! If that stuff starts up, notice that it's starting, then have your own mantra to replace it. "I am doing a great job at fixing the problem, step by step." "I'm making great strides in being awesome at this, every minute of every day." "I'm getting more amazeballs at this money and job thing every freaking day." Write it down. Have it handy. Repeat it every time the old crap tries to drown you. You can totally do this.
Make a really basic schedule with some really basic goals. Of course you want to hustle, and that's great! But make your schedule attainable, so when you have a rough day, you don't beat yourself up and digging the hole bigger. ASK ME HOW I KNOW O Thai restaurants with your siren call. Set up one decent sized goal per day, and one reward per day. Then have some disposable goals on the side that you can knock off if you're still feeling frisky after your big goal is achieved.
Do you have an accountability buddy you can call on? Even if it's just a facebook or MF friend, send them your schedule. Say, hey, can you verify with me that I've done these things each day? I know I get better at completion when someone else knows what I did. If this will cause stress and trauma drama, don't do it. But if you have someone supportive that you'd like to discuss with, do it!
Most Importantly: Be really proud of the fact that you've recognized what you've done, and you're shaking yourself out of it as early as you are. That's truly impressive! You've said yourself that it could be worse, and you've already taken some steps to restabilize your situation. Great job!
(FWIW, I got kicked out of two, count 'em, two credit unions because of too many NSF fees. You would think they'd take my money for overdrafting a zillion times a month until the end of time, but I had to spend about three years paying everything with cash and money orders before I finally figured out how to Money. It was hard and painful but I learned, and I finally figured out how to deal with money without feeling guilt and shame and all of those evil emotions handed down through the ancestry of my effed up people.)
posted by knitcrazybooknut at 1:47 AM on October 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
Start from zero and chill out on yourself. There's nothing to see here, guilt and old tapes and bad old messages that want to repeat in your brain. Nothing to see here! If that stuff starts up, notice that it's starting, then have your own mantra to replace it. "I am doing a great job at fixing the problem, step by step." "I'm making great strides in being awesome at this, every minute of every day." "I'm getting more amazeballs at this money and job thing every freaking day." Write it down. Have it handy. Repeat it every time the old crap tries to drown you. You can totally do this.
Make a really basic schedule with some really basic goals. Of course you want to hustle, and that's great! But make your schedule attainable, so when you have a rough day, you don't beat yourself up and digging the hole bigger. ASK ME HOW I KNOW O Thai restaurants with your siren call. Set up one decent sized goal per day, and one reward per day. Then have some disposable goals on the side that you can knock off if you're still feeling frisky after your big goal is achieved.
Do you have an accountability buddy you can call on? Even if it's just a facebook or MF friend, send them your schedule. Say, hey, can you verify with me that I've done these things each day? I know I get better at completion when someone else knows what I did. If this will cause stress and trauma drama, don't do it. But if you have someone supportive that you'd like to discuss with, do it!
Most Importantly: Be really proud of the fact that you've recognized what you've done, and you're shaking yourself out of it as early as you are. That's truly impressive! You've said yourself that it could be worse, and you've already taken some steps to restabilize your situation. Great job!
(FWIW, I got kicked out of two, count 'em, two credit unions because of too many NSF fees. You would think they'd take my money for overdrafting a zillion times a month until the end of time, but I had to spend about three years paying everything with cash and money orders before I finally figured out how to Money. It was hard and painful but I learned, and I finally figured out how to deal with money without feeling guilt and shame and all of those evil emotions handed down through the ancestry of my effed up people.)
posted by knitcrazybooknut at 1:47 AM on October 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
I was very sick, poisoned, and didn't work for nine months. Pyft/Fuber dug me out. I make more doing this than at any job I've ever had but I have a pretty unique strategy, an unflappable demeanor, a spotless driving record, no criminal record and I genuinely care about the strangers who hop in.
I'm going to change letters here and there for reasons.
We do twice and sometimes thrice what the other drivers around here do. 484$ after gas and lease and things I gave to passengers working 21:30 to 04:00 last night. I picked those hours because I knew what was going on and where to be. I also have allies. Sometimes we drive towards purge and all log out in the same area at the same time and log back in one by one and then we call the rider and offer to do it for less than than they would pay for 4x fuber purge but more than we would be paid if they will let us use Square. Cancel the pickup at no cost to the rider or they cancel and driver takes the fiver off the fare. Pick them up anyway and you all get to screw The Man. Play it right and you have a free dispatching service and every passenger gets a piece of pumpkin taffy and a model rocket engine taped to a foot of bamboo with some waterproof wick stuck in it and they write things on your profile like "best fuber experience ever." Tips soar. Passengers read your profile and say you are a highly rated driver. People really like you. You turn off the app and go home and feel good.
Trouble? Percentage-wise? I've only yanked one passenger out of the car and I've done 853 trips with Uber and 256 with Lyft. I've had two pukers who both made it outside of the car and one bleeder, one fondler at highway speeds and one attempted seduction but I'm a white guy with mad self defence skills and the confidence that brings so YMMV.
If you don't have a car that is up to it, there are non-scammy ways around that. I didn't. Memail if you want to pursue this. I'll help you with the strategy and the attitude to project.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:15 AM on October 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
I'm going to change letters here and there for reasons.
We do twice and sometimes thrice what the other drivers around here do. 484$ after gas and lease and things I gave to passengers working 21:30 to 04:00 last night. I picked those hours because I knew what was going on and where to be. I also have allies. Sometimes we drive towards purge and all log out in the same area at the same time and log back in one by one and then we call the rider and offer to do it for less than than they would pay for 4x fuber purge but more than we would be paid if they will let us use Square. Cancel the pickup at no cost to the rider or they cancel and driver takes the fiver off the fare. Pick them up anyway and you all get to screw The Man. Play it right and you have a free dispatching service and every passenger gets a piece of pumpkin taffy and a model rocket engine taped to a foot of bamboo with some waterproof wick stuck in it and they write things on your profile like "best fuber experience ever." Tips soar. Passengers read your profile and say you are a highly rated driver. People really like you. You turn off the app and go home and feel good.
Trouble? Percentage-wise? I've only yanked one passenger out of the car and I've done 853 trips with Uber and 256 with Lyft. I've had two pukers who both made it outside of the car and one bleeder, one fondler at highway speeds and one attempted seduction but I'm a white guy with mad self defence skills and the confidence that brings so YMMV.
If you don't have a car that is up to it, there are non-scammy ways around that. I didn't. Memail if you want to pursue this. I'll help you with the strategy and the attitude to project.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:15 AM on October 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
side-stepping the shame spiral
You made some bad decisions with managing money. This is as common as dirt, and it doesn't make you a bad person. The important thing is to have and execute a plan for improving the situation. Taking action will make you feel much better, and, when bad head stuff comes up, you can challenge it and beat it back down.
posted by thelonius at 4:43 AM on October 28, 2017
You made some bad decisions with managing money. This is as common as dirt, and it doesn't make you a bad person. The important thing is to have and execute a plan for improving the situation. Taking action will make you feel much better, and, when bad head stuff comes up, you can challenge it and beat it back down.
posted by thelonius at 4:43 AM on October 28, 2017
you all get to screw The Man
That betrays my age and some of you won't get it. Should have been "screw the corporate overlords."
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:50 AM on October 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
That betrays my age and some of you won't get it. Should have been "screw the corporate overlords."
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:50 AM on October 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
First - don't let having debt define you. It's not a moral failing or a statement of your character that you lost your income and it took you a little bit to get back to here. At some point in our lives, nearly all of us have been here.
Second - your goal at this point is to start getting some money coming in. At that point, you can do things like budgeting and working out a plan to get your debt down - if you income allows, take debt amount and divide by 9 to work out a monthly amount that will avoid you paying interest on your debt. Look around your house and see if there are any things you don't use that you could potentially sell to start making a dent and stopping the slide into more debt. Things like - old phones, ipods, cameras, etc. may still bring in a little money and may be collecting dust in a closet.
Third - if paying it down by August 2018 is not going to be possible, start talking to your bank or a local credit union about a line of credit at a more sustainable interest rate once you have a job. If the current debt is on a credit card, offer to cancel the card if they'll give you the corresponding amount in a line of credit. If you have a car or any assets, you may be able to get a lower rate via a secured loan.
posted by notorious medium at 6:29 AM on October 28, 2017
Second - your goal at this point is to start getting some money coming in. At that point, you can do things like budgeting and working out a plan to get your debt down - if you income allows, take debt amount and divide by 9 to work out a monthly amount that will avoid you paying interest on your debt. Look around your house and see if there are any things you don't use that you could potentially sell to start making a dent and stopping the slide into more debt. Things like - old phones, ipods, cameras, etc. may still bring in a little money and may be collecting dust in a closet.
Third - if paying it down by August 2018 is not going to be possible, start talking to your bank or a local credit union about a line of credit at a more sustainable interest rate once you have a job. If the current debt is on a credit card, offer to cancel the card if they'll give you the corresponding amount in a line of credit. If you have a car or any assets, you may be able to get a lower rate via a secured loan.
posted by notorious medium at 6:29 AM on October 28, 2017
Three months is not a very long time in financial terms. Give yourself credit for working to fix this now! You are doing some work to plug the hole on the income side but also look at your expenses. What can you temporarily cut back on? Make a deal with yourself to be frugal about certain things until the credit card debt is paid off. You don't give us a picture of what your expenses are like, but things like cable TV, gym membership, high-end phone plan, and eating out can add up fast.
posted by mai at 9:07 AM on October 28, 2017
posted by mai at 9:07 AM on October 28, 2017
A friend of mine has found a lot of support in Underearners Anonymous. Fellow ADHDer here who is still working to deal with taxes from several years back. It's easy to say and hard to avoid but still, the shame thing is not helpful. When money is tight, therapy feels impossible but if it's covered by your health insurance (if you have any) or if you can find low-cost therapy, consider giving it a try. The money stuff is hard for everyone. It's especially hard for folks with brains like ours. I was once in considerable debt, and I did get out of it. Feel free to PM me. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:10 AM on October 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 9:10 AM on October 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
Note: I'm assuming you are in the United States. I'm going through this now after a layoff.
I don't know how it works with freelancers, but investigate if you qualify for unemployment. As long as you are scrupulous about telling the truth, it can't hurt to try. With no income, you likely qualify for food stamps and Medicaid (depending on how draconian your state rules are). There are also programs for low-cost internet (like, $10/month) and help with your electric bills (again, depending on state). If you have a dependent and/or have a disability, you are eligible for even more.
There is no shame in this! You've paid taxes and utility fees in your life, right? This is what these programs are there for!
If you have medical debt, call them and explain the situation. They wrote off a $3800 surgery bill because I was on food stamps. If phone calls and handling bills are a problem for you, enlist a friend to set up a system that nags you. There are a million apps that will do this.
See what help is available to you at this site. Any dollars you can save will keep you from digging the hole that much deeper.
posted by AFABulous at 12:21 PM on October 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
I don't know how it works with freelancers, but investigate if you qualify for unemployment. As long as you are scrupulous about telling the truth, it can't hurt to try. With no income, you likely qualify for food stamps and Medicaid (depending on how draconian your state rules are). There are also programs for low-cost internet (like, $10/month) and help with your electric bills (again, depending on state). If you have a dependent and/or have a disability, you are eligible for even more.
There is no shame in this! You've paid taxes and utility fees in your life, right? This is what these programs are there for!
If you have medical debt, call them and explain the situation. They wrote off a $3800 surgery bill because I was on food stamps. If phone calls and handling bills are a problem for you, enlist a friend to set up a system that nags you. There are a million apps that will do this.
See what help is available to you at this site. Any dollars you can save will keep you from digging the hole that much deeper.
posted by AFABulous at 12:21 PM on October 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
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-Take good care of your teeth. Those suckers are going to be with you for life. Do you floss every day?
-Keep your personal spaces clean
-Eat healthy vegetables and get a reasonable amount of exercise
-Make your bed every day, so simple to do, so rewarding
And hit your stride with the temp job. It's ok, sometimes we mess up.
Now for the larger picture. Therapy might be a good solution - it's important to have a cheerleader when making life changes, and it sounds like one of yours is getting better at money. Someone who sees you regularly can help you maintain perspective: going from not working to having a temp job is an improvement. They can also help you break the cycle of avoidance and get better at tending to affairs of the financial ilk in general.
Shame spirals help no one. Some kings and presidents have wasted millions. People have defrauded countries and companies. In comparison to that, this is truly nothing. You don't deserve to be treated poorly by anyone, even if it's just you in your head. No shame spirals, just keep going.
posted by karmachameleon at 12:28 AM on October 28, 2017 [14 favorites]