How do I stop sounding so slick all of the time?
October 24, 2017 11:52 PM   Subscribe

Something about my voice and my tone offends people even when I don't mean to at all.

I do have issues with social anxiety. I have a hard time having warm feelings towards other people so it's very hard for me to be friendly. Often I will be annoyed by other people's kindness towards me and others because it's not something I find easy to do and I hate myself for that. I have a hard time expressing myself in general. Whenever I'm around people I instantly want to push them away and I feel annoyed.

I think this is why I end up offending people a lot. I do have ADHD so I say a lot of random things in inappropriate times. Here's some examples of when I've offended people without meaning to:
-Asked my boss if she was getting her master's degree randomly out of turn making it seem like I didn't believe her qualifications. I was just trying to make conversation.
-Repeated someone just to make sure I could understand them. It just sounded like I was mocking them.

How do I change this about myself?
posted by sheepishchiffon to Human Relations (9 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
I know this feeling. I feel genuine remorse about the problems it caused, so I just express that remorse: "I'm sorry, I have trouble expressing myself sometimes. That came out wrong."

For your above examples, you could add, "It wasn't my turn to speak", or, "I was repeating what you said because I needed to do that to understand it."

A lot of people will appreciate having that part of your personality clarified, explicitly.
posted by tillermo at 12:21 AM on October 25, 2017 [6 favorites]


First of all, I am going to assume that the people who you were talking to you expressed dismay at your approach. If they didn't express some discomfort, then maybe there's no problem.

That said, communication is substantially about tone, not words. I could tell you that I am cooking peas for dinner and make it sound menacing. On the flip side, I could say that I am going to flay Jack and make a kite from his skin in such a warm and loving tone that you'd wonder why we weren't married and making babies all day.

I have a hard time having warm feelings towards other people

This. If you don't have warm feelings toward others, and you are being authentic, then your tone will express the fact that you don't have warm feelings toward the person you are talking to.

It seems that you have two options in the immediate (and others in the longer term). Your first option is to not give a damn about how others feel. If you don't feel warm towards them, why do you care? The second is to fake it. Practice tone and use it consciously, like successful politicians do (think Frank Underwood). In the longer term, your life would be improved by developing love for your fellow human, but if that is definitely off your radar then you'll need to learn to grin and bear the consequences.

I mean, think about it. Why should people respond warmly to you when you don't feel warmly toward them?
posted by Thella at 12:33 AM on October 25, 2017 [16 favorites]


From your examples, it sounds like a tone problem. Maybe you‘re abrupt, loud, monotone... We can‘t tell you that, so you need an outside appraisal.

Do you have friends who could tell you whatyou sound like and how your tone could be contributing to your image problem?

The other likely thing is a body language problem. Maybe you‘re not looking people in the eye enough, or staring too hard, or looming or whatever. Same thing, solicit your friends‘ opinions.

When you‘ve got an idea of what it could be (or even if you don‘t), a voice coach can help you work on that. It‘s worth the money.

Since you don‘t mention gender, I will say that if you identify as female, people will judge you very harshly if you aren‘t charming and smiley or whatever. Part of your problem could be simple sexism.

I‘m not gonna talk about the attitude part of your question, only to say that working on your voice and body language should at least be enough to keep you out of trouble, regardless of your inner resentments. You don‘t need to become universally charming, but at least you‘ll avoid actively aggrieving people!
posted by Omnomnom at 5:34 AM on October 25, 2017


I do have issues with social anxiety. I have a hard time having warm feelings towards other people so it's very hard for me to be friendly. Often I will be annoyed by other people's kindness towards me and others because it's not something I find easy to do and I hate myself for that. I have a hard time expressing myself in general. Whenever I'm around people I instantly want to push them away and I feel annoyed.

This sounds like the sort of thing you go to therapy for. Working on your social anxiety will make it easier to change your tone.

In the meantime, you could try to figure out what inflections come across as sarcastic or offensive, and try instead to sound neutral and professional. Learning to calm yourself is probably a more organic way to go about this - if you meditate or do deep breathing before a big meeting with your boss, or learn to recognize when you're getting anxious/frustrated and take a few breaths and ground yourself before you speak.

Being willing to apologize and acknowledge that you don't always communicate as well as you'd like to will help you a lot. I'd just lead with that with everyone who deal with whose belief that you're being rude could have an negative impact - definitely your boss. "I know I can sound sarcastic at times and I truly don't mean to and don't understand how I sound that way. I'm working on figuring this out and learning to communicate more effectively. In the meantime if I ever sound rude I hope you'll bring it up with me and give me an opportunity to apologize."

Particularly when I was younger, I had a tendency to come across as condescending, which stemmed from my fear that I was inferior and that people wouldn't like me. I probably still do sometimes. I've learned that certain tones and phrases that I used when I wanted to make sure people knew I was intelligent just made me sound like an asshole, so when I find myself wanting to make sure people know I know things, I try to stop myself. I think it's better when I'm in tune with myself and showing myself compassion.
posted by bunderful at 6:16 AM on October 25, 2017 [2 favorites]


It might help to separate work from purely social situations. At work, you can make a lot of headway just by not speaking a lot of the time, especially not when your speech would be considered out of turn. If something comes into your head, just... don't. Not unless it is something necessary for the group, to move the project forward or whatever. If it doesn't need to be said or asked right now, hold it for later or possibly indefinitely.

Socially is different and depends on your goal in that situation. If you are trying to get closer to people, expressing genuine interest and, yes, apologizing if you know something came out wrong, is a good start.
posted by BibiRose at 6:43 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]


I'm not sure where the word 'slick' came to be part of the description. Did some one actually describe you that way or is it your own word to describe yourself? I ask because I only have the two examples you gave, and to me slick and awkward are opposites. Your examples just sound awkward to me. (Am I missing some sarcasm? It has to be really broad for me to detect it in typed text.)

So, if your problem really is that people tell you you sound slick, that suggests hasty and insincere. I have noticed that people who speak really fast often sound like they are lying. At work, my boss once gave a presentation that she was asked to speed up because of a time constraint. Even though I knew that she had been asked to speed up and even though I knew everything in her speech and knew the facts to be correct, she still sounded to me like she was lying. The effect was bizarre.

Slow talkers like Mr. Rogers of TV fame can sound more warm and sincere than fast talkers. You don't have to be as slow as he is. He's extreme.

Also, if you are uncomfortable with brief pauses and answer questions instantaneously, some people will feel that you didn't think at all before responding and may be a bit pissed that you didn't seem to put any thought into your answer. So, taking a breath and saying "Well, mmm" before you speak might make you sound more sincere and thoughtful to some people." (You can even skip "mmm" if you say "Well" a bit slowly.)
posted by puddledork at 6:53 AM on October 25, 2017


Also, if you are uncomfortable with brief pauses and answer questions instantaneously,

I have the opposite problem. Someone says something to me, and if I'm anxious or feeling insecure I respond a beat too slowly. Enough of a pause that I come across as insincere, though it's just nerves, and then it's usually uphill from there.

So getting your spoken rhythm to where it flows seamlessly to the person you are speaking with may help you along with pitch and eye contact.

And yes, if you are female, or seen as such, people expect the smile and the chirpy, unfortunately.
posted by Crystal Fox at 7:56 AM on October 25, 2017


I might have the same issue, at least with the 'slickness' thing. One thing that really helped was one day when I was in about third grade, the teacher asked me a question, and when I answered, the whole class, including the teacher, busted out laughing and I didn't know why.

She must have noticed how uncomfortable I was, so she stopped me after class and explained that I was a quiet little girl, but when I talked, I sounded like a very serious grownup. She compared the way I talked to Walter Cronkite or someone like that, and she said people were laughing because it was unexpected, but assured me I hadn't done anything wrong.

So this might sound sort of crass, but I started practicing. I started trying to avoid "big words", and practiced using little interjections and other social lubricant things like smiling more and varying my tone instead of talking like, well, Walter Cronkite. (It's no more crass to consciously adopt those habits than it is to pick them up subconsciously, BTW.)

I also pretty intentionally adopted "annoying" habits like using like and uhhh, and they became natural enough that I started doing them without thinking and I sometimes have a problem un-adopting those habits.

And I started talking more slowly as well. Both in terms of slowing down the actual speed, and in terms of pausing and evaluating what I'm about to say and how it'll come across. I fuck up sometimes still, of course, much in the way you describe, but I catch myself a lot too.

When I do fuck up, if I notice, I'll just tell people that came out wrong, and apologize.

I do talk less in person than most of my casual friends do, and I don't do much small talk, but since they're my friends, they get used to it the same way I get used to their habits.

Because this is not all on you, either. Your way is not objectively incorrect or anything. A lot of it is on people making assumptions about you and not taking what you say at face value. In my experience, there are a lot of people who are constantly on the lookout for passive aggression, and a lot of them are just projecting. I would only worry about that in work contexts, where you have to deal with them. Socially, though, don't worry yourself about it. That's for them to stew about.
posted by ernielundquist at 11:02 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]


It sounds like mindfulness would help you a lot. Check it out. No therapist or training (particularly) required.
posted by raider at 12:08 PM on October 28, 2017


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