Please help me navigate a breakup...
September 28, 2017 2:01 PM Subscribe
it feels complicated. I am going to break up with my long-term partner soon. Luckily, we are not married nor do we have kids. Unluckily, I wasn't sure about this decision until I bought a house and we both moved into it.
I am a person with a full-time job and since we've moved to our new place I am covering all of the expenses. He is heavily in debt, back in school, considering bankruptcy, and very stressed.
Although I've talked to him about the issues that have precipitated this breakup I believe the conversation will still blindside him. For the record, the "issues" are not anything to do with our disparate financial situations.
I feel bad about the situation I've put us in. My long time ambivalence, enabling, and dilly-dallying wrt this relationship has only made it harder for both of us.
Additionally, while we were still renting, I let him pay for a number of things for us with his debt while I accrued the savings which allowed me to put a down payment on the house. It feels bad.
Aside from Miko's script, which I plan on employing, do you have any advice for dealing with the situation I've created? In particular:
- How to deal with the fact that he will likely not be ready to move out right away after the "reveal"
- How to figure out what I owe him, monetarily
- How to maintain my resolve to breakup (he doesn't want to, and he is a person who is good at changing my mind)
Thank you!
I am a person with a full-time job and since we've moved to our new place I am covering all of the expenses. He is heavily in debt, back in school, considering bankruptcy, and very stressed.
Although I've talked to him about the issues that have precipitated this breakup I believe the conversation will still blindside him. For the record, the "issues" are not anything to do with our disparate financial situations.
I feel bad about the situation I've put us in. My long time ambivalence, enabling, and dilly-dallying wrt this relationship has only made it harder for both of us.
Additionally, while we were still renting, I let him pay for a number of things for us with his debt while I accrued the savings which allowed me to put a down payment on the house. It feels bad.
Aside from Miko's script, which I plan on employing, do you have any advice for dealing with the situation I've created? In particular:
- How to deal with the fact that he will likely not be ready to move out right away after the "reveal"
- How to figure out what I owe him, monetarily
- How to maintain my resolve to breakup (he doesn't want to, and he is a person who is good at changing my mind)
Thank you!
What state do you live in?
posted by praemunire at 2:34 PM on September 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by praemunire at 2:34 PM on September 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Try to make this as straightforward as possible. Before sitting down to talk to him, try to come up with a figure in your head of what you have contributed to finances (including paying for your housing currently, utilities, shared expenses, etc.) vs. what he might have contributed. Does that come out roughly even? If not, propose to give him the difference. Remind yourself that you did not choose to spend your way into debt. He did that. He could have refused to pay for the things he did pay for.
Set a firm move out date. Does he need a month to find a place? That seems reasonable, but make sure there is a firm end. (keep in mind he does have tenancy in your home, and that may dictate what you legally can ask).
Stay away from home as much as possible in the time between the break-up and the move-out date. Communicate minimally with your soon to be ex. Explain at the time of break up that you prefer to communicate by e-mail or similar to minimize contact.
Hugs. This is hard, I know. I had a similar situation years ago, with a bf who was actually pretty awful in retrospect, but I felt every ounce of this guilt when we did finally break up. Well, guess what? He immediately started dating, got an apartment that was nicer than the dump I had mostly been paying for on a student's salary, and also magically found a job to pay for it and for transportation, also something he hadn't mustered in the years we'd been together. He's made choices, you've made choices, you both probably have regrets about some of them. Life will move on, though, and it will get better.
posted by goggie at 2:39 PM on September 28, 2017 [9 favorites]
Set a firm move out date. Does he need a month to find a place? That seems reasonable, but make sure there is a firm end. (keep in mind he does have tenancy in your home, and that may dictate what you legally can ask).
Stay away from home as much as possible in the time between the break-up and the move-out date. Communicate minimally with your soon to be ex. Explain at the time of break up that you prefer to communicate by e-mail or similar to minimize contact.
Hugs. This is hard, I know. I had a similar situation years ago, with a bf who was actually pretty awful in retrospect, but I felt every ounce of this guilt when we did finally break up. Well, guess what? He immediately started dating, got an apartment that was nicer than the dump I had mostly been paying for on a student's salary, and also magically found a job to pay for it and for transportation, also something he hadn't mustered in the years we'd been together. He's made choices, you've made choices, you both probably have regrets about some of them. Life will move on, though, and it will get better.
posted by goggie at 2:39 PM on September 28, 2017 [9 favorites]
I really think you ought to speak to a lawyer about your options. It's possible that you won't be able to resolve this amicably, and the fact that he's broke and you're not puts you at risk.
By all means try to find a mutually agreeable exit plan, but be prepared for him to be hurt and to try to hurt you. You don't have to tell him that you have spoken to the lawyer unless it turns sour, and then it won't matter.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 12:01 AM on September 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
By all means try to find a mutually agreeable exit plan, but be prepared for him to be hurt and to try to hurt you. You don't have to tell him that you have spoken to the lawyer unless it turns sour, and then it won't matter.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 12:01 AM on September 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
Depending on where you live and how long you have been together, he might be entitled to half the house. Especially since you couldn't have purchased it without his financial contribution to your shared expenses. Giving him a couple month's rent isn't really comparable to home ownership. Might want to check in with a lawyer.
posted by windykites at 7:58 AM on September 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by windykites at 7:58 AM on September 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
Miko's script is not really a good fit for a cohabiting relationship - it's really intended for a situation in which you've been out on a bunch of dates and aren't really feeling it.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:32 AM on September 29, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:32 AM on September 29, 2017 [7 favorites]
1. Figure out how much you think would be fair to give him, considering rent for his new place, what he contributed financially and otherwise to the relationship, how long he was in the new house. Think about how long you want to let him in the house that you own, how much he would need for a security deposit and rent on a new place, etc.*
2. Talk to a lawyer and see if 1. is a good, legal, non-problematic course of action.
3. Look for temp options for housing for him or you during the breakup but before he has a new place locked down. It might be a bad legal idea to let him stay in the house without you after the breakup, it might not be, this is why you talk to a lawyer.
4. Do the breakup. Not with Miko's script, you owe him more of an explanation of what you think is wrong with the relationship, why you are leaving, why it is not fixable, apologies for any bad behavior you might have done etc.
5. Stay out of each other's way.
6. If you are giving him $, try to do it in a way that lets you save receipts and emails about how much you gave him and what the agreement was on that.
*I, a random person on the internet, think that being more generous here is better than being perfectly accurate for fairness when you are the breaker-upper and also because you said you were not a great participant in the relationship by being wishy-washy, enabling.
In my opinion, you should give him back 2/3 of the money that he put on his debt for joint expenses since you might only owe half but debt comes with interest and stress so giving more is nicer.
I think you should also give him enough for whatever it costs to get into an apartment rental in your town (here it is 3 month's rent- first, last, security but that is not true everywhere). I think you should give him a month to move out of your joint place, or since you said he is a student, maybe give him til Thanksgiving break or til the end of the semester if you can stand that? That way, it would be less disruptive to his schooling. If that sounds too long, I think it would be nice of you to rent a place for him to go til the end of the semester. If you can also give him enough money to pay for the utilities and possibly some food on top of that til the end of the semester that would be nice. Maybe $1,000 extra towards that?
If you guys have lived in the new house for less than 6 months, I personally as a stranger on the internet don't think you need to give him extra money for that but again, lawyers will tell you the actual truth.
posted by rmless at 10:45 AM on September 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
2. Talk to a lawyer and see if 1. is a good, legal, non-problematic course of action.
3. Look for temp options for housing for him or you during the breakup but before he has a new place locked down. It might be a bad legal idea to let him stay in the house without you after the breakup, it might not be, this is why you talk to a lawyer.
4. Do the breakup. Not with Miko's script, you owe him more of an explanation of what you think is wrong with the relationship, why you are leaving, why it is not fixable, apologies for any bad behavior you might have done etc.
5. Stay out of each other's way.
6. If you are giving him $, try to do it in a way that lets you save receipts and emails about how much you gave him and what the agreement was on that.
*I, a random person on the internet, think that being more generous here is better than being perfectly accurate for fairness when you are the breaker-upper and also because you said you were not a great participant in the relationship by being wishy-washy, enabling.
In my opinion, you should give him back 2/3 of the money that he put on his debt for joint expenses since you might only owe half but debt comes with interest and stress so giving more is nicer.
I think you should also give him enough for whatever it costs to get into an apartment rental in your town (here it is 3 month's rent- first, last, security but that is not true everywhere). I think you should give him a month to move out of your joint place, or since you said he is a student, maybe give him til Thanksgiving break or til the end of the semester if you can stand that? That way, it would be less disruptive to his schooling. If that sounds too long, I think it would be nice of you to rent a place for him to go til the end of the semester. If you can also give him enough money to pay for the utilities and possibly some food on top of that til the end of the semester that would be nice. Maybe $1,000 extra towards that?
If you guys have lived in the new house for less than 6 months, I personally as a stranger on the internet don't think you need to give him extra money for that but again, lawyers will tell you the actual truth.
posted by rmless at 10:45 AM on September 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
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posted by raccoon409 at 2:09 PM on September 28, 2017 [2 favorites]