Because there is no handbook for the loss of a parent
September 28, 2017 8:23 AM
After a prolonged illness, my stepfather passed away last Friday. I need help with so many things involving the death of a parent, as well as helping my mom with the loss of her husband. Snowflakes inside.
Essentially, while he had been very ill for nearly twenty years of my life (I'm 40), his health snowballed so quickly into his passing that we are all in a bit of shock. He had been housebound for many years, with the exception of doctor's appointments. My mom gave up full-time work a while back to become his 24/7 caretaker. It was hard for her to travel, to do anything outside being almost as housebound as he was because he had been unable to be left alone for any amount of time.
Well, here we are. This is the second loss for my family this year--my paternal grandfather died nearly a month before--and I just need to know how to help. Here's a list of things I can think of off the top of my head:
* I have been asked to write the eulogy for my stepfather at the private memorial service we are holding for immediate family and close friends next week. My mom asked me to do because she loves that I write well (oh, moms and their love of you!). How do I do that? How do I express the sadness, love, and loss that we are feeling? My stepfather raised my sister and I more than my real dad ever did. He was there for all the good and bad. Should I keep it brief? I will also be reading it because I have also been voted mostly likely to keep it together to read it. I don't know if I can.
*Where to begin to help my mom pick up the pieces? She has been in a fog since it happened. This is obviously understandable. My sister took care of the cremation, mortuary, and banking stuff (inc. his SS, Medicare/Medicare/insurance) with her. I live in Canada so I am only going to be there for the next week. What do I start to help her with? Packing up clothes? Going through mementos? I don't want to rush her.
*Because of his illness, there is no life insurance money for my mom. They have never had anything like savings, and there's some debt. My sister and I both cannot help with the debt, but how do I help her get her finances in order? We discovered some payday loan stuff, massive cable/internet/cellphone bills, as well as routine borrowing money from other family members (my aunts, mostly). I am going to try and cancel the current cable/internet/cell stuff since the account was in my dad's name, but I have no idea if her credit would be good to get her a package on her own. I love my mother deeply, but she shuts down and gets defensive when my sister and her husband try to talk to her about helping her get her finances in order. (My BIL has even offered to take care of her accounts for her so she won't be overdrawn and etc.) I knew they never had much money, but I didn't know she was resorting to loans. How do I help with this? Or rather, how do my family and I help her with this?
Thank you so much for any advice and help.
Essentially, while he had been very ill for nearly twenty years of my life (I'm 40), his health snowballed so quickly into his passing that we are all in a bit of shock. He had been housebound for many years, with the exception of doctor's appointments. My mom gave up full-time work a while back to become his 24/7 caretaker. It was hard for her to travel, to do anything outside being almost as housebound as he was because he had been unable to be left alone for any amount of time.
Well, here we are. This is the second loss for my family this year--my paternal grandfather died nearly a month before--and I just need to know how to help. Here's a list of things I can think of off the top of my head:
* I have been asked to write the eulogy for my stepfather at the private memorial service we are holding for immediate family and close friends next week. My mom asked me to do because she loves that I write well (oh, moms and their love of you!). How do I do that? How do I express the sadness, love, and loss that we are feeling? My stepfather raised my sister and I more than my real dad ever did. He was there for all the good and bad. Should I keep it brief? I will also be reading it because I have also been voted mostly likely to keep it together to read it. I don't know if I can.
*Where to begin to help my mom pick up the pieces? She has been in a fog since it happened. This is obviously understandable. My sister took care of the cremation, mortuary, and banking stuff (inc. his SS, Medicare/Medicare/insurance) with her. I live in Canada so I am only going to be there for the next week. What do I start to help her with? Packing up clothes? Going through mementos? I don't want to rush her.
*Because of his illness, there is no life insurance money for my mom. They have never had anything like savings, and there's some debt. My sister and I both cannot help with the debt, but how do I help her get her finances in order? We discovered some payday loan stuff, massive cable/internet/cellphone bills, as well as routine borrowing money from other family members (my aunts, mostly). I am going to try and cancel the current cable/internet/cell stuff since the account was in my dad's name, but I have no idea if her credit would be good to get her a package on her own. I love my mother deeply, but she shuts down and gets defensive when my sister and her husband try to talk to her about helping her get her finances in order. (My BIL has even offered to take care of her accounts for her so she won't be overdrawn and etc.) I knew they never had much money, but I didn't know she was resorting to loans. How do I help with this? Or rather, how do my family and I help her with this?
Thank you so much for any advice and help.
My mom asked me to do because she loves that I write well (oh, moms and their love of you!). How do I do that? How do I express the sadness, love, and loss that we are feeling? My stepfather raised my sister and I more than my real dad ever did. He was there for all the good and bad. Should I keep it brief? I will also be reading it because I have also been voted mostly likely to keep it together to read it. I don't know if I can.
I wrote one for my maternal grandfather because he was revered, we were close, and I was chosen as the best writer. I built a narrative around three core concepts:
1) Key parts of his life - things he did, things he loved to do;
2) Key aspects of his personality that people loved or were peculiar (I talked to 5-6 people about their own views on him to generate some breadth to this); and
3) Parts of his personality and teachings to us that will live on well after him - legacy definition, if you will. I found this resonated with the saddest folks in the audience, to know that though he's gone, he really isn't as we're all carrying parts of him.
He was a gardener, so I used a metaphor of how he tended his garden to how he tended his life. I found once I put the structure together of key concepts, the metaphor shot right out at me.
Treat it like a normal writing project - outline, research, all of that. Read it to yourself outloud as many times as you can before you get up there - it helps to get out many of the weepies that will ebb and flow, and any big ones that hit you during the speech are probably going to hit everyone else the same way.
posted by notorious medium at 8:46 AM on September 28, 2017
I wrote one for my maternal grandfather because he was revered, we were close, and I was chosen as the best writer. I built a narrative around three core concepts:
1) Key parts of his life - things he did, things he loved to do;
2) Key aspects of his personality that people loved or were peculiar (I talked to 5-6 people about their own views on him to generate some breadth to this); and
3) Parts of his personality and teachings to us that will live on well after him - legacy definition, if you will. I found this resonated with the saddest folks in the audience, to know that though he's gone, he really isn't as we're all carrying parts of him.
He was a gardener, so I used a metaphor of how he tended his garden to how he tended his life. I found once I put the structure together of key concepts, the metaphor shot right out at me.
Treat it like a normal writing project - outline, research, all of that. Read it to yourself outloud as many times as you can before you get up there - it helps to get out many of the weepies that will ebb and flow, and any big ones that hit you during the speech are probably going to hit everyone else the same way.
posted by notorious medium at 8:46 AM on September 28, 2017
I am so sorry. I lost my mother earlier this year and, like your stepfather, it was after a long illness that rapidly progressed. It's hard to feel ready and also not ready. We managed the Life Celebration for my mom, my sister and I. I was happy not to have to write a eulogy. Instead we read some letters my mother had written from a file folder we found in her office labelled BITCHY LETTERS. They were the sort of loving-but-firm letters of complaint that typified her well. We were able to feel real warmth about the loss of her but at the same time be like "man she could be a bitch, couldn't she?" and I feel like the best eulogies allow you to look back with love at the whole person. Here's one my cousin wrote for my somewhat difficult grandmother. You can see the love but also the very human wrinkles.
Get ahold of ColdChef (I'll MeMail you his phone number) if you haven't already. He's sensible with things like this, is available to help anyone, and helped me write my mom's obit.
Some of the stuff with your mom will just be following her lead and asking some questions and having good boundaries, deciding how much you want to get involved. Does she need to move? If so, where? Is her financial situation sustainable? What other methods of support, both emotional and financial does she have? How much could you offer?
Don't worry too much about rushing stuff like clothing and cable and the like unless it's something she really wants to do.
My mom gave up full-time work a while back to become his 24/7 caretaker. It was hard for her to travel, to do anything outside being almost as housebound as he was because he had been unable to be left alone for any amount of time.
It's worth keeping in mind that these were choices she made. Not saying many would have not done the same thing, but there's going to be a lot of re-entry into the world issues for your no-longer-housebound mom that might be something you could easily help with, encouraging her to not only reacclimate but get used to a world in which she has her own agency and isn't a satellite to another life.
posted by jessamyn at 9:08 AM on September 28, 2017
Get ahold of ColdChef (I'll MeMail you his phone number) if you haven't already. He's sensible with things like this, is available to help anyone, and helped me write my mom's obit.
Some of the stuff with your mom will just be following her lead and asking some questions and having good boundaries, deciding how much you want to get involved. Does she need to move? If so, where? Is her financial situation sustainable? What other methods of support, both emotional and financial does she have? How much could you offer?
Don't worry too much about rushing stuff like clothing and cable and the like unless it's something she really wants to do.
My mom gave up full-time work a while back to become his 24/7 caretaker. It was hard for her to travel, to do anything outside being almost as housebound as he was because he had been unable to be left alone for any amount of time.
It's worth keeping in mind that these were choices she made. Not saying many would have not done the same thing, but there's going to be a lot of re-entry into the world issues for your no-longer-housebound mom that might be something you could easily help with, encouraging her to not only reacclimate but get used to a world in which she has her own agency and isn't a satellite to another life.
posted by jessamyn at 9:08 AM on September 28, 2017
I will also be reading it because I have also been voted mostly likely to keep it together to read it. I don't know if I can.
It is absolutely okay if you don't. It is understandable that the rest of your family is hoping that you'll be able to, but you probably won't be able to and that is totally okay. (It's also okay if you can "hold it together". I didn't cry during my mother's funeral - I was totally turned off. I cried before, after, two days ago in the car...)
Can you tell a story about your stepdad? Something you loved about him, something that other family and friends loved about him and connect with? Sometimes telling one story is easier than I Must Encapsulate All The Things About This Person in Five Minutes. And stories make us laugh - and laughter is healthy at funerals, honestly. Kate Braedstrop says that in the end, what we are is the ability to make people laugh with our memories - and she's right. So tell the story about the time he forgot his car keys were in his pocket and tore the horse apart looking for them, or the time he helped you pick out your prom clothes and then sat with you when your date turned out to be a jerk (since he was there for the good and bad) or whatever, or talk about how he had to have his Friday night popcorn and movie. One story is going to be easier to get out than All the Things, and your sadness and love will come through, trust me.
(I am so sorry. I took a peek at your profile, and we are both at the age where this starts happening a lot as our loved ones age. Hang in there.)
posted by joycehealy at 9:09 AM on September 28, 2017
It is absolutely okay if you don't. It is understandable that the rest of your family is hoping that you'll be able to, but you probably won't be able to and that is totally okay. (It's also okay if you can "hold it together". I didn't cry during my mother's funeral - I was totally turned off. I cried before, after, two days ago in the car...)
Can you tell a story about your stepdad? Something you loved about him, something that other family and friends loved about him and connect with? Sometimes telling one story is easier than I Must Encapsulate All The Things About This Person in Five Minutes. And stories make us laugh - and laughter is healthy at funerals, honestly. Kate Braedstrop says that in the end, what we are is the ability to make people laugh with our memories - and she's right. So tell the story about the time he forgot his car keys were in his pocket and tore the horse apart looking for them, or the time he helped you pick out your prom clothes and then sat with you when your date turned out to be a jerk (since he was there for the good and bad) or whatever, or talk about how he had to have his Friday night popcorn and movie. One story is going to be easier to get out than All the Things, and your sadness and love will come through, trust me.
(I am so sorry. I took a peek at your profile, and we are both at the age where this starts happening a lot as our loved ones age. Hang in there.)
posted by joycehealy at 9:09 AM on September 28, 2017
So sorry for your loss; this is always a rough time for a family.
I like notorious medium's metaphor concept; you could use whatever your dad's interests were, and perhaps add a poem. And yes, definitely check to see if ColdChef can help!
Don't worry too much about the cable/internet/cellphone bills continuing to be in his name; those companies don't really care whose name they're in, just that they're paid. If you and/or your sister are willing to pay them, you could probably even get the bills themselves sent directly to your sister's address and you could pay them for your mother.
As for his clothes and personal things: many times, the surviving spouse does not want to rush to clear out the deceased spouse's belongings: that's all part of their comforting, continuing surroundings. It'd be different if your mother has to move, but I don't see that in your question. Give your mom time, and maybe revisit this in six months or a year --- there's no rush.
posted by easily confused at 9:12 AM on September 28, 2017
I like notorious medium's metaphor concept; you could use whatever your dad's interests were, and perhaps add a poem. And yes, definitely check to see if ColdChef can help!
Don't worry too much about the cable/internet/cellphone bills continuing to be in his name; those companies don't really care whose name they're in, just that they're paid. If you and/or your sister are willing to pay them, you could probably even get the bills themselves sent directly to your sister's address and you could pay them for your mother.
As for his clothes and personal things: many times, the surviving spouse does not want to rush to clear out the deceased spouse's belongings: that's all part of their comforting, continuing surroundings. It'd be different if your mother has to move, but I don't see that in your question. Give your mom time, and maybe revisit this in six months or a year --- there's no rush.
posted by easily confused at 9:12 AM on September 28, 2017
As mom been stepdad's caretaker this long she's likely feeling very untethered and not sure of what to do with herself. Caretakers often ignore their own needs in favor of the daily tasks of what their charge needs, and as much as we may find ourselves dreaming of just a little time to ourselves, actually having unstructured free time can be disorienting and we find ourselves wondering what to do, and a little anxious to get back to our routine. The lack of the routine leaves us feeling a little hapless.
With that in mind, perhaps the best you could do for your mom next week is just be present. Take her out of the house. Don't ask her what she wants to do; give her little (inconsequential) things or tasks, like coming with you to the grocery store, or the library (to "find readings or resources" for the eulogy), or to pick up some take out food.
It sounds like your sister lives close by mom, yes? And that she will take on the bulk of the burden of the help that mom needs? Perhaps it would be better to address what needs to be done with her, rather than mom, asking where you can fill in.
Okay, about the finances - here's the part that's not going to sound so good, but I'll put it out there. I've commented on AskMe before that when my neighbor's husband passed (very unexpectedly), he legally had no estate. He did have tens of thousands of dollars of unsecured debt however. Because he had no estate, and because she could not be held legally liable for his debts, the wife chose not to pay any of them. There was life insurance and she could have paid them, but she had very small children at home and chose to save the insurance money for their needs. She notified his creditors of his passing and that it was it, basically. You and your sister & BIL would do well to speak with a lawyer about mom's financial situation and find out what she really needs to pay (ie, things that are in her name / on her credit) and what she can legally choose not to pay in order to preserve cash for her living expenses.
I am sorry for your loss.
posted by vignettist at 9:18 AM on September 28, 2017
With that in mind, perhaps the best you could do for your mom next week is just be present. Take her out of the house. Don't ask her what she wants to do; give her little (inconsequential) things or tasks, like coming with you to the grocery store, or the library (to "find readings or resources" for the eulogy), or to pick up some take out food.
It sounds like your sister lives close by mom, yes? And that she will take on the bulk of the burden of the help that mom needs? Perhaps it would be better to address what needs to be done with her, rather than mom, asking where you can fill in.
Okay, about the finances - here's the part that's not going to sound so good, but I'll put it out there. I've commented on AskMe before that when my neighbor's husband passed (very unexpectedly), he legally had no estate. He did have tens of thousands of dollars of unsecured debt however. Because he had no estate, and because she could not be held legally liable for his debts, the wife chose not to pay any of them. There was life insurance and she could have paid them, but she had very small children at home and chose to save the insurance money for their needs. She notified his creditors of his passing and that it was it, basically. You and your sister & BIL would do well to speak with a lawyer about mom's financial situation and find out what she really needs to pay (ie, things that are in her name / on her credit) and what she can legally choose not to pay in order to preserve cash for her living expenses.
I am sorry for your loss.
posted by vignettist at 9:18 AM on September 28, 2017
I will also be reading it because I have also been voted mostly likely to keep it together to read it. I don't know if I can.
Will there be someone leading the memorial service, like a chaplain or someone from the mortuary or something? If so, could you write the eulogy but give it to them instead? When my stepmom's mother passed away, all four of her adult children wrote letters about what their mom had meant to the family, and the officiant read them aloud during the service because there was absolutely no way they would have been able to do it. Not having them reading their own words didn't make it any bit less moving or meaningful.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your stepfather and grandfather.
posted by anderjen at 9:24 AM on September 28, 2017
Will there be someone leading the memorial service, like a chaplain or someone from the mortuary or something? If so, could you write the eulogy but give it to them instead? When my stepmom's mother passed away, all four of her adult children wrote letters about what their mom had meant to the family, and the officiant read them aloud during the service because there was absolutely no way they would have been able to do it. Not having them reading their own words didn't make it any bit less moving or meaningful.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your stepfather and grandfather.
posted by anderjen at 9:24 AM on September 28, 2017
When my grandfather passed, one of the sons-in-law was picked to read the eulogy, as the least likely to lose it. Well, guess what? He lost it. Then another son-in-law got up to help -- and he lost it. And then a third. It was truly a touching moment, in all honesty. All this to say: It's ok. You may lose it. You may not. Everyone will understand, whatever happens. If you decide you can't do the reading at all and need to ask someone else to do it, that is also ok.
As for the material, yes, I would keep it short. If you can think of a story or two that particularly makes you happy to think of about him, those would be great. What you said about him being like a father to you is also wonderful.
I'm sorry for your losses.
posted by freezer cake at 10:00 AM on September 28, 2017
As for the material, yes, I would keep it short. If you can think of a story or two that particularly makes you happy to think of about him, those would be great. What you said about him being like a father to you is also wonderful.
I'm sorry for your losses.
posted by freezer cake at 10:00 AM on September 28, 2017
It might help to practice reading the eulogy out loud in private beforehand. Even though you wrote them, it's different to hear those words coming out of your mouth. As many others have said, it's ok if you cry. Have a tissue tucked up your sleeve and let yourself pause and take a deep breath.
posted by ewok_academy at 3:33 PM on September 28, 2017
posted by ewok_academy at 3:33 PM on September 28, 2017
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You have no obligation to tell the full and difficult truth of your loss at the memorial service. Your grief is still legitimate even if you choose to stick to a few memories that sum up his character that the assembled guests will understand and relate to. You will be able to have more conversations about this with your family and friends in the future, so you don't have to get it all out next week when everyone's still numb.
For everything else, even though you are probably feeling a sense that all things must be handled at once, many of them cannot be handled until you have copies of the death certificate and that can be weeks later. All those cable bills etc, you can't just call and turn them off without proof. Other things can wait.
You need to triage, and let urgency dictate what needs to be done. If your mother needs to move immediately, you would need to worry about his things, but most people do not want the house scrubbed of their spouse's presence immediately if they're staying put. It could be years before she's ready for that, and I think it's for her to say, not you. If she does need to move, that becomes much more urgent.
Depending on where you are exactly, you should seek out some professional help for the financial questions and start looking into whether she qualifies for local/regional assistance that can help with some of the financial problems. I think this would be kinder to her, if there's a not-family organization she can work with, rather than panicked grieving children. None of the financial problems are going to get solved instantly except for any obligations that cease because of his death. Don't assume anything, get some qualified advice before you start paying things off.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:42 AM on September 28, 2017