How to not be sick with stress?
July 19, 2017 8:29 PM   Subscribe

My mom's graveside service is tomorrow at 10am, and I'm nauseous as hell from stress. I know it's all in my head. How do I just pause this feeling for a while?

I know grieving is natural. Blah blah. I don't care how bad compartmentalizing is. I need to just numb this and function somehow.

I'll be at the graveside with a bunch of toxic family that by the end of the day I can finally cut ties with, but I will be alone with no emotional back up. My friend is watching my son so he doesn't have to be there. I am alone and burying my mom and I just need to get through this day without vomiting or fainting, so I need a way to just be quiet in my head.

How do I do this?
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit to Human Relations (21 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: This is what science created benzos for, if you can find a Valium, Ativan, Xanax, or Klonopin and if you are okay with medications.
posted by elsietheeel at 8:35 PM on July 19, 2017 [16 favorites]


Throw some pepto bismol down with those benzos.
posted by littlewater at 8:44 PM on July 19, 2017


Yeah, drugs if you can. If not, for whatever reason, start practicing envisioning putting the emotions you can't deal with right now into a box, and putting the box on a shelf. As soon as you start to feel the slightest bit "oh fuck," package that up and put it in a box and put the box on the shelf.

This got me through a lot of "I have feelings but I just cannot right at this particular moment" moments after my mom died. I'm sorry you're going through this; my condolences to you. Whatever you end up doing, do not be ashamed or mad at yourself. You are doing the best you can in a very hard situation. I send my best to you.
posted by rtha at 8:45 PM on July 19, 2017 [4 favorites]


I'm so sorry for your loss and for the stressful situation. Try directed breathing; it's how I get through bad days. Force yourself to stay as calm and relaxed as you can by breathing in and out in deep breaths, keeping it up until you feel better. Practice on one of the breathing .gifs (I like this one). I tap my fingers in that rhythm when I can't watch a gif - first on my right hand for inhaling, then on my left for exhaling. You can do this any time and anywhere - it really helps me.

You are strong, you can get through it. Take care of yourself both during and after, know that you are doing your best.
posted by gemmy at 8:49 PM on July 19, 2017 [3 favorites]


I lost my Mom four months ago. Don't stiff upper lip it. Cry, ball your eyes out and don't try to pretend. Grieve and don't let anyone tell you how you are supposed to act. Refrain from any nastiness with any of the jackholes who may show up.

I am truly sorry for your loss. I still feel absolutely awful and I keep telling myself that this is what happens. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her.

I wish you peace. I'll be thinking about you.
posted by BarcelonaRed at 8:59 PM on July 19, 2017 [2 favorites]


I'm SO sorry that you're going through this and having to deal with these people at this time.

My secret to compartmentalizing is visualization. Find something that works for you (that leaves you feeling the way you want -- protected, safe, physically unable to punch anyone anyway, whatever) then invest in that. For instance, you are in a bubble. It's invisible, but nothing they say needs to matter to you because you're there in your bubble. You couldn't respond if you tried because it's designed not to let sound escape. Maybe you're mute. Maybe the real you has gone to the mental attic to read while your body has been possessed by a particular wise, calm person who will say the perfect things and pilot you safely through the day. Maybe you're only there holographically while actually being many states away. Or maybe you and the cemetery are real, while the family members are fake. Maybe they're robots programmed to say the most toxic possible things to you, but it doesn't matter because they're just made of metal. ...Don't dabble. Figure out what image works best, then really commit to that.

Rehearsing helps. You could try now to imagine being there but [in a bubble / on a cloud / only there thanks to holographic technology / surrounded by toxic robots], and how you will or won't respond. Then you can be more on auto-pilot when you're there. The more you can forecast, the more the whole event can be like reading from a script. "Ah yes, Aunt Jennie just made the dig about my brother. Now I read my line: 'Will you excuse me, please? I need a tissue.'"

Again, my deepest sympathies on your loss, and I'm so sorry about your awful relatives.
posted by salvia at 9:13 PM on July 19, 2017 [3 favorites]


And NO drugs unless a DOCTOR prescribes them. If you need something, take a glass of wine or go for a walk. Call your friends.
posted by BarcelonaRed at 9:16 PM on July 19, 2017 [1 favorite]


Yeah, this is definitely a Benzo Situation. Go to your regular doctor, explain what you said here, and they can give you a very small amount in a very small dose. Even if you decide not to take it, just having it like, in your bag can be comforting.
posted by colorblock sock at 9:20 PM on July 19, 2017 [1 favorite]


Honestly, I don't have an answer for you, and I'm sorry for that. I merely wanted to let you know that you have my deepest sympathies for your loss and I wish you well. You may not think so, but there are many others out their, strangers even, who would love to give you a hug in this time of crisis. Best wishes to you.
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 9:26 PM on July 19, 2017 [5 favorites]


Others have given better advice than I can about compartmentalising. In terms of your concern about vomiting - sometimes your fear about vomiting at an inconvenient time can fuel your level of stress and make you feel more nauseated. In those kinds of situations, I take a sick bag with me in my handbag (I have some that look like this but you can get similar things from the chemist/pharmacy, or just take any reasonably robust bag at a pinch) and feeling prepared can actually make me feel calmer and less nauseated.

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that everything is terrible right now.
posted by Cheese Monster at 10:09 PM on July 19, 2017


> If you need something, take a glass of wine or go for a walk. Call your friends.

These are not practical at a graveside service.

Start practicing your compartmentalizing techniques now, and also take a test dose of something like ativan (which I have taken once in a while in extreme-anxiety situations, and for me, it does not make the anxiety go away and it does not make me a zombie - it just moves the anxious feelings waaaaaay *over there*, where they are not so overwhelming; do not drink if you do this, especially if you have never combined them and so don't know how that will affect you). Cover your bases. And be as kind to yourself as everyone here wants you to be, regardless of what your jerk family members do.
posted by rtha at 10:39 PM on July 19, 2017 [2 favorites]


When I had to do a lesser version of this for my Dad's funeral, I approached it a bit like running a race, or labour or something, ie I reminded myself constantly "This is unpleasant, but it will be over by sunset, and I'll never have to deal with it again.".

I found approaching it like a performance of a sort gave me an internal distance and a stamina I wasn't really expecting. Knowing I had to just hold on for a few more hours was a great source of comfort for me.

I'm thinking of you, OP.
posted by smoke at 3:51 AM on July 20, 2017 [2 favorites]


Take Gravol, yes, but plan how to vomit as a back up plan so that if you do have to you will not be as stressed out and will be ready for it. Plan it as an act of defiance at the toxic family members rather than a vulnerable collapse and final humiliation - if you have to vomit plan on aiming deliberately onto the your worst tormentor's shoes. Position yourself to make this possible.

This will help you look forward to the possibility of puking and make it less likely that it will happen, and if it does happen at least it will re-frame the experience as you standing up for yourself.

Also, remember that funerals are for the living and that means that you are entitled to not attend your mother's public funeral and may hold a private service at a later date when it is safe to do so. You are loved. You are entitled to do what you damn well please. You have lost your mother. You do NOT have to go to this funeral. You and your son and your friend can go out for ice cream instead and cry and laugh if that is what you need to do. Screw anyone who is expecting you to show up and put a public face on.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:12 AM on July 20, 2017 [1 favorite]


I have anxiety about vomiting and find that mint flavoring cuts off nausea for me. Might be worth grabbing a bag of Lifesavers and/or some ginger candies at a convenience store and sticking them in your purse or pocket. Just having them as a talisman can be soothing.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for the situation. (I went through something similar when my dad died.) You are strong, and you can do this, and anyone who gives you trouble is the worst kind of selfish asshole. This internet stranger is rooting for you.
posted by kwaller at 6:49 AM on July 20, 2017


If all else fails, remind yourself it's okay to be nauseous, even to vomit, at this event. You will get through it anyway.
posted by kapers at 8:25 AM on July 20, 2017


For future readers: Ativan has a sublingual formula which dissolves under the tongue and is effective in 10 minutes. You can take no or a small base dose, then discreetly add more if needed. Condolences.
posted by crazycanuck at 8:44 AM on July 20, 2017 [1 favorite]


Weirdly enough, I've also found that Cinnamon Fire Jolly Ranchers have a ginger-candy-like soothing effect.

I'm sorry for your loss and wishing you luck on making it through the day.
posted by praemunire at 9:08 AM on July 20, 2017


My secret to compartmentalizing is to run through the grocery list in my mind. I imagine what we might be having to eat over the next couple of days - if I need a special treat to get me through, even better - and then figure out what I need.

I'm sorry about your mom.
posted by lyssabee at 2:33 PM on July 20, 2017 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: I got to the funeral home at 930 and everyone was in a clump in the parking lot talking. There was a lot of tension so I sat in my minivan. Thank twinkies for the funeral director for picking up on things because whenever he wanted to talk about something he beelined for me so I wasn't alone.

I couldn't afford my health insurance and let it lapse and even if I could afford a walk in clinic, they won't just prescribe Ativan. But my son takes it, so a pilfered one of his. It helped. It was like my sadness was tucked away in the trunk for later. Thank you for suggesting it.

The graveside service was a blur. I don't remember much of anything before or during the ceremony. Something with throwing flowers.

Then my cousin hugged me and said she thought of me like a sister (despite not speaking to me for two years) and doesn't know why we stopped talking to each other. It was because she posted a right wing poor shaming meme and I called her out on it, and she said it was her taxes that paid for me to sit on my ass in a homeless shelter and collect welfare and I owed her respect for that. But I didn't remind her because it seemed impolite.

Then we went to a restaurant where I had two glasses of sangria to go with my Ativan. I'd just ordered when I got an emergency call from my friend that my kid was melting down. I drove, which was really stupid on my part. But he needed me. I got there safe, and he calmed.

Later I took him alone to the graveside and told him we planted Mim like a seed. It took a while but he seemed to understand. He hugged me twice.

Now I'm home. I didn't vomit. I made it through.

Thank you.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 3:48 PM on July 20, 2017 [8 favorites]


Response by poster: How I explained it to my son later.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 4:06 PM on July 20, 2017 [6 favorites]


Response by poster: The shrine I made after to deal with the grief.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 10:55 AM on September 9, 2017 [3 favorites]


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