Dealing with self-deprecating people

June 12, 2017 1:17 PM

How do you deal with people you barely know making self-deprecating comments, and why do they do this?

I've seen lots of stuff on how to deal with self-deprecation with friends and family, this doesn't fit. Went to the home of a couple I don't know that well, although we have been friendly for a number of years and are part of a wider social circle. The entire evening was filled with self-deprecating comments:

"We're really boring"
"I'm a good host but I can't hold a conversation"
"I'm just here as a seat-filler"
"You can't be having a good time, we're so boring"
"We never have company because all we do is sit around"

A whole evening of this! And to answer the obvious question, no I did not have a very good time (how could I!) and no I most likely will not be doing this again. But I mean... why do people do this (yes, I know, low self-esteem/depression is the obvious answer but still.) and how would you have dealt with this? I just sort of ignored it and changed the subject but it got pretty difficult to continue to do that all night.

posted by Automocar to Human Relations (35 answers total)

I would love to be able to respond with a surprised "Oh!" followed by an awkward silence, but most likely I'd ignore it the first couple of times and then avoid the person/people doing it and make an early exit if I couldn't.

I guess if they're people you want to try to have a relationship with you could just address it head-on, "You keep saying stuff like that and I really don't know what to say; could you try to stop?"
posted by mskyle at 1:25 PM on June 12, 2017

Anxiety disorder, self esteem issues, depression, learned "humor" (or unhelpful anxiety coping mechanism) from family members with any of the above - it could be any number of things.

As for how to deal with this, I generally:

1. Reassure quickly and firmly - once or twice.
2. Redirect (as you did).
3. Allow for a one-off "they were having a bad night" do-over.
4. If the do-over is more of the same*, limit my small-group exposure to folks who do this.

* and if the person in question is not a very close friend who I know is actively working on their issues.

I have a lot of friends with these types of issues. Very few of them present in this way as a general means of interacting (ie not in a crisis situation, actively experiencing a panic attack, etc). The one or two friends I have who do this as a regular "this is how I relate to the world" are folks with whom I've limited small-group contact.
posted by pammeke at 1:30 PM on June 12, 2017

Depression isn't the obvious answer, but so could be just trying to keep your expectations low.

If they had said "we are the most fun people ever" would you have had more fun than if they had said "we are boring"? I mean, maybe they are boring and it's not self-deprecating, but truth and they are just putting it out there so you know what to expect or not expect.

Ignoring it and not returning is really the only way to politely deal with it. Or you could point out the ways in which they are lively and fun and interesting if they are in fact lively fun and interesting.
posted by greta simone at 1:33 PM on June 12, 2017

First time, I'd ignore.

Second time:
Host comment like "We're really boring"
Me: "Hey now, you let me be the judge of that!"

Third time:
Host: "You can't be having a good time..."
Me: "I am doing just fine, but I am starting to wonder if you're dropping me hints! Should I go...?"

All of this with a sincere, warm smile and jokey manner. And then I'd probably avoid them because I find myself resenting people who are so wrapped up in their own insecurities that it bleeds over into making other people feel uncomfortable (I say that with my third example above, which I find egregious, specifically in mind...sorry, but life is too short).
posted by lovableiago at 1:34 PM on June 12, 2017

No doubt they were nervous about hosting and wanted to let you know why they might be lacking a little in the hospitality department. But yeah, repeatedly bringing up all your worst qualities is a great way to get people to ultimately agree with you about what lousy company you are.

I think self-deprecating humor can be amusing and put others at ease, when used sparingly and wittily. There's a big difference between being able to be charming about your own foibles, and being an Eeyore who repeatedly tells everyone how much you suck. Self-deprecating humor is more like: "I'm terrible at holding conversations. Good thing I'm so gosh darn good-looking!" Your hosts were definitely Eeyores.

If they were closer friends, I would suggest finding a way to kindly address it. But since they're not, I'd just recommend keeping attendance at their events to a minimum.
posted by Autumnheart at 1:52 PM on June 12, 2017

Could it be a religious thing—an exaggerated performance of humility?
posted by XMLicious at 2:00 PM on June 12, 2017

I sometimes find that a slightly annoyed "oh please!" can shut this down. I think it's good to call people out on this because they probably don't realize how alienating this behavior can be.
posted by cakelite at 2:05 PM on June 12, 2017

I think in some cultures it's considered good etiquette or just humble. It's not necessarily a sign of depression or low self-esteem. After all, it's fine to be bad at conversation or entertaining if you know that you're actually a wonderful friend, or parent, or doctor, or what have you. Your ego is not tied up in whether you're present as a seat-filler.

I read all your examples while imagining a somewhat posh British accent, for example.

It is reasonable for you to respond with a compliment or a related comment about yourself:

"I'm just here as a seat-filler." "That may be, but you look fabulous filling that seat. What is this incredible tie you have on?"

"We're really boring." "Well, I don't care if you're boring. I'm terrible at crossword puzzles, but I struggle on! Perhaps we can amuse ourselves by trying that punch."
posted by amtho at 2:13 PM on June 12, 2017

"Aw, don't be so hard on yourself."

I have a habit of self-deprecation, and a line like this works the best on me. It simultaneously says "hey, you're doing the self-deprecation thing again" and "you're okay, you don't need to feel bad" and "feeling good about yourself is your responsibility, no matter how much I reassure you." It also refutes the self-deprecation without contradicting the statement itself - sometimes the host is boring as dirt, but telling them so won't help anyone, and you still want to make them feel better even if they are flopping.

A lot of defense-mechanism social quirks like this start out almost unconsciously and slowly grow over everything before the person doing it realizes it. A gentle "hey, you're doing this thing and you don't need to" can help them reverse course.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:14 PM on June 12, 2017

I'm a self depreciating person. Honestly, I don't consider it a display of depression or low self esteem. If anything, I consider myself quietly confident. It's hard to explain but it's just my sense of humor. I do it because where I live, in a coastal urban elite area, people constantly self-promote and it's my way of rebelling against that and being approachable.

Here's an example, it's a potluck. I'm not a cook.

"Your dish is delicious!"
"I honestly made the cookies with pre-packaged dough. I'm quite amazed how it turned out!"

as opposed to

"Your dish is delicious!"
"Thank you, I worked very hard on it."

The latter is actually more uncomfortable for me if someone responded that way. It's just too...intense.

When I find others get uncomfortable (and honestly it doesn't happen too much) I consider it a mis-match in humor and style and just quietly note that we'll be acquaintances but likely not good friends and won't do it around them.
posted by treetop89 at 2:16 PM on June 12, 2017

If it's pretty jarring / out of the blue as you're describing, usually I'll go ahead and be visibly taken aback. "I didn't have any problem with our conversation, are you trying to convince me...?" "I thought it was fine... *quizzical look*?"
posted by Lady Li at 3:19 PM on June 12, 2017

I think people do this for different reasons but mainly because they're looking for validation - either because they DON'T think they're boring and want to hear it, or they really DO think they're boring and don't want you to feel guilty for feeling bored. It's uncomfortable though, especially when an aquaintance keeps saying it because you can't bluntly tell them not to be ridiculous like you would with a friend.

Those kinds of comments seem kind of superficial, not shallow per se but I feel like they indicate the other party is still feeling their way out with you and for some reason aren't wholly comfortable... So I would tell them gently that you're totally fine with them and if they keep saying such things I would ignore the comments and try to change the topic to something else, something deeper to discuss that you have in common so that they forget all about being "boring".
posted by watrlily at 3:33 PM on June 12, 2017

These people are speaking my language.
If I were there, I would see nothing unusual about this behavior.
(In fact I find it more alienating when people brag relentlessly about their accomplishments; but I can see how endless self-deprecation could possibly be annoying).
Chalk it up to a difference in communication /humor styles.
posted by shalom at 3:43 PM on June 12, 2017

Yeah, I'm with treetop89. I do it because I think it's funny and because I can take a joke. Except that I had no idea that people were so hostile to making a joke at your own expense. I mean, a number of people basically said they would cut someone off for doing this!

I actually find the funniest jokes to be about me. Portlandia for example. Something like a third of those sketches are pretty much about me or people I know, and I think it's hilarious. I mean, the Allergy Pride Parade? That's SUPER funny! (We have had food allergies at home). Not depressed or lacking in self esteem at all. I like to joke around a bit, and I don't like to joke at someone else's expense because it can be mean or offensive. Joking at your own expense is a safe way to not offend anyone, or so I thought.

TIL I'm bad at taking social queues!

(Oops. There I go again. Judging by the thread, I should really stop doing this.)
posted by cnc at 3:46 PM on June 12, 2017

The older I get, the more I LOVE it when stuff like this happens.

Don't overthink it.

This is a Venn diagram. the intersection of your circle and other circles is where the connection and joy is for your friendship etc...

Sometimes that section grows or shrinks.

Sometimes the circles never touch, that means keep moving.
posted by bobdow at 3:50 PM on June 12, 2017

I think the reasons why people do this have been covered above. I'll just add that perhaps they did it "so much" because they could tell you were miserable and, not being able to tell that their (totally common) sense of humor was the thing making you miserable, were desperate to alleviate the tension of hosting an unhappy person.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:02 PM on June 12, 2017

They are trying to connect with you and you don't share the same sense of humor or desire to connect. I do not think you should do social things with these people in the future; you aren't compatible.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:16 PM on June 12, 2017

Sometimes I say things that some people interpret to be self-deprecating, but I honestly think they're just true. Like I might say "I have the attention span of a flea" or "I don't wear shorts because they look weird on me."

Those are simply true statements and I'm not seeking flattery, or bothered by those facts, or generally down on myself- for instance, my short attention span allows me to switch mental channels well, which is a boon in my specific line of work. And I am actually pretty pleased with how I look in other articles of lower-body clothing- just not shorts. I say those things about myself like I might say "Bob is tall"- to me they just seem like objective realities- they're not cries for help.

The other day, with some new people, I made a couple of "true" statements like this about myself, and several people responded as though I had made a major faux pas, which I thought was weird. There were some reactions I found condescending and annoying, like "Stoppppp!" or "You're really attractivvvve don't talk about your body like thaaaat!" But I hadn't actually said anything about my attractiveness level, nor do I have particular hangups about it. It felt like they were policing their own feelings more than mine, if that makes any sense.

But there was one response I liked- one person just smiled and mildly said, "Wow, the stories we tell ourselves," which I thought was a pretty good reaction. Not super patronizing, but still a gentle reminder that "true" is subjective, and it drew my attention to what I was saying- which I guess is useful because obviously I was triggering other people- but the phrase itself didn't irritate me.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:17 PM on June 12, 2017

Maybe they were anxious about you being there because someone in the past had told them they were boring hosts and they had internalised that message and were trying to manage what they assumed your expectations might have been for the evening, especially if they'd picked up your discomfort?
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 4:24 PM on June 12, 2017

you just react the same way you would to to any other joke that isn't very funny. you laugh a bit to be polite, and as the evening wears on and you grow fatigued, you just say "Ha," with ever-decreasing efforts to simulate a genuinely amused affect.

telling people their jokes aren't funny by affecting great concern as you would if you thought they were being serious is very effective but a giant dick move. so please don't do that unless it's so bad it really makes you hate them. "don't put yourself down like that, it makes me uncomfortable" is like...like if someone's annoying kid comes out and tells you the "orange you glad I didn't say banana?" joke, and you say with great concern to his parents that you think he might have a speech defect and some auditory issues, what with the mispronunciation. it is a damn good conversation stopper and silence creator, but it is not nice to say to a stranger. or to anyone you don't know so well you're sure that's what they're fishing for.

and people who tell self-deprecating jokes out of nervousness will only get more and more nervous when they see you clearly not amused, so pretending it's funny is in your self-interest anyway.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:51 PM on June 12, 2017

Wouldn't have bothered me at all. It strikes me as them explaining to you that they had provided the drinks and the snacks but they couldn't think of anything to say, or any activities, so they were lobbing the ball in your direction with a request to get things animated.

Your job at this point was to "draw them out" by asking them a series of questions about their tastes and experience until you could find some common ground to talk about - what they had studied, where they had traveled, if at all, what they read, what they watched, if they had hobbies, which magic power they would prefer to have, what they thought of the state of the internet, etc. and if they turned out not to be able to hold their own in a conversation, to determine what seemed to interest them, so that you could carry the conversation for them, and be reasonably sure that you were interesting them, not boring them. Maybe what they would have wanted was to watch a movie with you, or a game, if conversation wouldn't work. Or maybe just quietly listen to classical music.

It sounds like you were bored and they were bored and the lot of you were all unable to entertain each other. It may be that perhaps you were all too tired to think, and without media to keep you awake it was impossible to be animated enough to entertain yourselves.

For cultural reasons I prefer self-deprecation. My experience with people who are not self-deprecating is that the meta message when they say that they are good at things, but that they are generally saying that they are better than you at things, or better than most people at things, and this is either a lie, or a cover for an insecure ego, or simple hostility, so if someone minimizes their advantages they are generally trying to make you feel better about yourself, or being honest.

In other words, your hosts were probably either simply stating the truth. "I'm boring, I can't think of anything to do or say," or they were trying to make you feel less bad about the fact that you were also boring and their meta message was, "It's okay, I am boring too."

So either avoid them on the grounds that they are boring, and you only like to be with animated people who can amuse you and who don't end up in stilted conversations with long pauses, or figure out how to amuse them, by bringing a pack of cards and thinking up a few anecdotes that would entertain the company.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:37 PM on June 12, 2017

It sounds like you were bored and they were bored and the lot of you were all unable to entertain each other.

yeah when it's not reflexive joking, this is what hyper-polite people do when they're bored, pre-emptively take the blame so you don't suspect, god forbid, that they are bored by you or that the lack of conversation might not be their fault. Like apologizing when someone steps on your foot. also, it's something to say when there's nothing else to say.

a good reason to never sincerely console someone who persists like this, because it is really humiliating in retrospect if you realize later that's probably what was going on.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:43 PM on June 12, 2017

They could probably tell you weren't having the best time and were hoping for "oh no you're not! We just both had a long week at work and aren't as chatty as we normally are! Ugh, sorry!" Or "omg so are we, it's so hard to find other couples who aren't like always doing marathons or climbing mountains, right??".

If you think they're boring you don't have to see them anymore, but if this comes up with other people and you otherwise like them, go easy on 'em! Making new friends is hard as an adult and it can take a little bit of time to feel comfortable and not like you're just assessing each other. I go hard on the self deprecation at first because it feels more friendly and casual but as I get to know someone that all goes away.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 8:04 PM on June 12, 2017

Were they English?

I think the correct response is "ha ha".
posted by mary8nne at 12:51 AM on June 13, 2017

I deal using the "yes, and..." improv way. "OMG no, I am the worst host and the most boring, I caught my guests keeping themselves awake by stabbing themselves in the leg with a fork." People will either play along & relax, or they'll not know what to do with me and then I know the friendship probably wouldn't have gelled anyway.
posted by wheek wheek wheek at 3:04 AM on June 13, 2017

I just smile and say, "I disagree" and immediately change the subject.
posted by christinetheslp at 4:33 AM on June 13, 2017

Wow, I can't imagine a more effective way of killing a conversation than to say "I can't hold a conversation." I imagine the couple has developed this dynamic over time as a way to cope with their own awkwardness and as a bit they perform for people, and they reinforce each other's behavior. I would probably handle it just as you did, but when deflecting, choose subject matter that relates to the outside world and observable phenomena rather than sharing personal facts or experiences. I'm sure they might find a way to kill this conversation, too, but maybe if you get them talking about politics or culture it removes more of their chances to say disparaging things about themselves.
posted by lieber hair at 7:04 AM on June 13, 2017

Were you talking about a lot of active/outdoorsy/night-life-y stuff that you do? Or doing so in a way that could have implied you never spend any time at home? Maybe they were simply being defensive/insecure about not being as active as you, or thought you were judging them for not being as active, or desperately trying to get you to talk about something else?

I think there's a difference between self-deprecating humor and Eeyore-ing. Using humor to deflect compliments or bragging, or to reveal vulnerabilities in a way that invites the other person in (in a sort of "I look like I have everything together, but it's a bit of an illusion, don't be intimidated!"), can be a way of connecting. Making depressing statements that shut down conversation is generally the opposite. A lot of that is tone of voice, body language, how much they're contributing to the conversation otherwise, etc. I grew up being told that I come across as stand-offish and Ice-Queen, which can be offputting in social situations with people I don't know, so I often use self-deprecation as a way of showing chinks in my armor and appearing more human -- it's a way of connecting -- but I try to do so in a way that's not a conversational downer.
posted by lazuli at 7:07 AM on June 13, 2017

Sometimes the best defense against bad conversation is a good offense. (Pun unintended...mostly.) It doesn't work in all cases, but one of my tried and true responses is a frank acknowledgment of the fact that I just don't know how to non-awkwardly respond to something a person just said, followed by bean-dipping my way to different topics.

Examples:
"I'm just here as a seat filler."
"I really don't know how to respond to that. Do you fill seats often?"

"You can't be having a good time."
"I'm having a fine time, but if you're looking for a more demonstrative and reassuring response, I can shotgun this Cabernet and let drunk me take over communications for the evening. Speaking of, where did you get this wine?"

"I'm a good host but I can't hold a conversation."
"I noticed." -a beat and eye contact, then laugh or something- "Nah, it's all good. We just have to cycle through topics until one clicks. Shall we start with sports or current events?"

Otherwise, when in doubt, a non-committal "hm" or "ah" can go a long way.

Also: queenofbithynia's answer rang VERY true for me. As a hyper-polite person myself, the early days of new friendships can be rough because I can't yet tell if a silence is companionable or awkward, so I'll work double time to try to keep that conversation ball rolling, which can lead to me grasping at conversational straws. If you're hanging with these folks again and notice that a lot of the self-deprecation tends to pop up around conversational lulls, try being a little more proactive in keeping the conversation going rather than waiting for silence to descend, which may leave these folks scrambling to fill the void.

Final thought: Life is too short to try to force conversation where it's not naturally happening. Some people just don't click. If you feel like this might be a case of just not clicking, there's no shame in quietly letting this relationship fade out.
posted by helloimjennsco at 8:05 AM on June 13, 2017

This might not work with people you don't know at all well, but I've had decent luck responding with a joking, "don't say that about my friend [their name], I don't want to have to fight you..." and then in some way defending them that made it clear that their self-deprecation was over the top.
posted by ldthomps at 8:08 AM on June 13, 2017

"Don't say that about my friend!" is both kind and a good way to signal that you find what they're saying somewhat jarring/surprising/overly negative.

If they say "I'm so bad at holding a conversation" and you DON'T want to give them a lasting complex, don't say "I noticed" and then try to pass it off as a joke. Insanely rude, more rude than being a bad conversationalist and pointing it out.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:24 AM on June 13, 2017

It can be either humor, fishing for assurance, or asking for your emotional labor. I think that is the distinction that you need to look at to know how to respond. "I have the attention span of a flea"= humor. "I'm sorry we are so boring"=needing assurance. "I'm so fat" (when the person is a size 2)= emotional labor suck.

I think figuring where they fit in to that will help in which responses you choose.
posted by Vaike at 9:33 AM on June 13, 2017

Were you talking about a lot of active/outdoorsy/night-life-y stuff that you do?

What? No. AskMe assumptions are so weird sometimes...
posted by Automocar at 9:20 AM on June 14, 2017

stoneandstar: Ouch, but good point. If these folks are genuinely anxious as opposed to hyper-polite-chatter-boxing, deadpan humor is probably not the way to go.

Reading the room is probably the most important thing to keep in mind when figuring out how to respond to stuff like this. I like Vaike's breakdown of some of the different motivations that might underscore their unique flavor of self-deprecation.

Best of luck at your next dinner engagement, if there is another one after this.
posted by helloimjennsco at 9:54 AM on June 14, 2017

What? No. AskMe assumptions are so weird sometimes...

I wasn't making an assumption; I was asking a question. Your question doesn't include any context for these remarks, just an assumption that your hosts are suffering from depression. My question was just a reminder that it can be helpful to examine one's own role in weird interactions to see if there was some sort of interpersonal dynamic that can be fixed or changed one one's own side.
posted by lazuli at 6:13 PM on June 14, 2017