moving into a group home?
June 11, 2017 1:20 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend’s adolescent younger brother is currently living with an aunt, but wants to leave his aunt’s house to move into a juvenile group home. Help us help him make the right decision! This is in Massachusetts. Details inside.
My boyfriend’s 13-year-old brother, A, has been living with an aunt for a few years out of state. In my boyfriend’s words, A is tough, smart, and charismatic. Our impression is that he and his twin brother are well cared for-- the aunt just bought a new house so that the boys could have their own space. However, we think they are chafing against strict house rules—no tech devices, a curfew, etc. A few weeks ago, A announced his intention to move back to Massachusetts and enter a group home. (For reasons that are unclear to us, A is not eligible for foster care.) A's twin brother has zero intention of leaving the aunt's house.
A has never lived in foster care, and went straight from living with my boyfriend’s parents to living with his aunt. The decision is ultimately up to A, but we’re worried that he is making a decision that will affect how his life takes shape based on reasons that only make sense in the short term. At any rate, he doesn’t have access to any information that would tell him what he is getting into. Do you have any information, anecdotal or otherwise, that could help him make an informed decision?
My boyfriend’s 13-year-old brother, A, has been living with an aunt for a few years out of state. In my boyfriend’s words, A is tough, smart, and charismatic. Our impression is that he and his twin brother are well cared for-- the aunt just bought a new house so that the boys could have their own space. However, we think they are chafing against strict house rules—no tech devices, a curfew, etc. A few weeks ago, A announced his intention to move back to Massachusetts and enter a group home. (For reasons that are unclear to us, A is not eligible for foster care.) A's twin brother has zero intention of leaving the aunt's house.
A has never lived in foster care, and went straight from living with my boyfriend’s parents to living with his aunt. The decision is ultimately up to A, but we’re worried that he is making a decision that will affect how his life takes shape based on reasons that only make sense in the short term. At any rate, he doesn’t have access to any information that would tell him what he is getting into. Do you have any information, anecdotal or otherwise, that could help him make an informed decision?
He's thirteen years old. How is this decision up to him?
If it was my relative, I'd do just about anything to keep him out of the juvenile system, in any state.
posted by praemunire at 2:30 PM on June 11, 2017 [28 favorites]
If it was my relative, I'd do just about anything to keep him out of the juvenile system, in any state.
posted by praemunire at 2:30 PM on June 11, 2017 [28 favorites]
If he is not an emancipated minor, then he and his parents need to work with child services in Massachusetts to figure out the best plan for him. They can have him declared a person in need of supervision and place him in a treatment facility or group home, or tell him he has to live at home. It's really not his decision it's up to the family court.
If he's fighting the rules at his aunts then he needs to know that there are lots of rules at group homes too.
I hope he is currently in therapy with his aunt and his brother.
posted by SyraCarol at 2:41 PM on June 11, 2017 [7 favorites]
If he's fighting the rules at his aunts then he needs to know that there are lots of rules at group homes too.
I hope he is currently in therapy with his aunt and his brother.
posted by SyraCarol at 2:41 PM on June 11, 2017 [7 favorites]
I live in North Carolina, not Massachusetts, so YMMV, but I've had many friends who worked in the juvenile group home system, and if A is chafing under rules at his aunt's house, he is going to find the group home system worse; there's lots of regulations on when you get up, when lights out is, when you can sign out and who you can sign out with and when people can visit and when you have to be in group therapy and what you can have in your room and if you can have electronics (unlikely at 13) and when study hall is and and and... you get the point. And if you don't cooperate with the rules, the facility can tell the kids to leave. And there's little privacy. He may be thinking, oh, I'll be with other kids, it'll be like camp (that's what I'm guessing from the limited info you have available), and my friends worked hard to make life as decent as possible for their charges, but it was not camp and there was more supervision, not less.
posted by joycehealy at 2:43 PM on June 11, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by joycehealy at 2:43 PM on June 11, 2017 [12 favorites]
I used to work in a group home in Massachusetts and I have a few thoughts on this - some already reflected by others.
1. The rules are going to be way more strict at a group home. They tell you when to wake up (even on weekends), go to bed, lights off etc. They control your food (meal times are at specific times and snacks are limited). You are basically trapped at a therapeutic facility with a single goal: therapy. He will have all his items searched when he goes into the group home, and certain items (like nail clippers, iPods, inappropriate books or photographs, cigarettes, even cologne etc.) will be taken away from him.
2. The goal of a group home is not to socialize with other teens, but rather for therapy (see above). He may benefit from an intense therapeutic environment, but it is definitely not fun. Is there another way to get him that?
3. I worked at a group home that was really successful in what it did, but I saw other programs that were just terrible and very unsafe. My experience was that it was a crapshoot as to where you ended up, so I wouldn't go in that direction unless absolutely 100% necessary.
4. Why is this decision up to A? That doesn't make sense to me. Does he have a case worker?
A couple questions for him are:
1. What would he like to get out of a group home? It's not a social scene, and the rules are way more strict, but maybe he needs more structure (even if it is to rebel against)? If he needs a more structured environment, could you get him into a program near where he lives (like some sort of teen military training thing)?
2. Is he in therapy? Does he need more therapy or even more strict therapy (not just listening, but more direction)? Does he need a more therapeutic environment?
3. Does he just need to get away for a bit? Maybe stay with another relative just to get some space for a few weeks? Could he visit you on the weekends?
4. Is this just an attempt to get back to Massachusetts? If so, is there another way for him to visit there more often?
It's ok for the adults in A's life to tell him "no" and ultimately, that may be what he is needing. That and "we love you, we want you to stay here with us" coming from his aunt.
posted by Toddles at 4:20 PM on June 11, 2017 [8 favorites]
1. The rules are going to be way more strict at a group home. They tell you when to wake up (even on weekends), go to bed, lights off etc. They control your food (meal times are at specific times and snacks are limited). You are basically trapped at a therapeutic facility with a single goal: therapy. He will have all his items searched when he goes into the group home, and certain items (like nail clippers, iPods, inappropriate books or photographs, cigarettes, even cologne etc.) will be taken away from him.
2. The goal of a group home is not to socialize with other teens, but rather for therapy (see above). He may benefit from an intense therapeutic environment, but it is definitely not fun. Is there another way to get him that?
3. I worked at a group home that was really successful in what it did, but I saw other programs that were just terrible and very unsafe. My experience was that it was a crapshoot as to where you ended up, so I wouldn't go in that direction unless absolutely 100% necessary.
4. Why is this decision up to A? That doesn't make sense to me. Does he have a case worker?
A couple questions for him are:
1. What would he like to get out of a group home? It's not a social scene, and the rules are way more strict, but maybe he needs more structure (even if it is to rebel against)? If he needs a more structured environment, could you get him into a program near where he lives (like some sort of teen military training thing)?
2. Is he in therapy? Does he need more therapy or even more strict therapy (not just listening, but more direction)? Does he need a more therapeutic environment?
3. Does he just need to get away for a bit? Maybe stay with another relative just to get some space for a few weeks? Could he visit you on the weekends?
4. Is this just an attempt to get back to Massachusetts? If so, is there another way for him to visit there more often?
It's ok for the adults in A's life to tell him "no" and ultimately, that may be what he is needing. That and "we love you, we want you to stay here with us" coming from his aunt.
posted by Toddles at 4:20 PM on June 11, 2017 [8 favorites]
I'm a teacher. My observed anecdata is that you want him to stay with family, not go to a group home.
Good parenting is saying "you are not old enough yet to make this kind of decision" (even though more and more decisions get made at this age teens are not mini adults. Especially at 13.)
From the twin front, a similar situation came up - slightly older kids though- and it has been rough on the twins' relationship with each other. From super close to totally separate.
It is super tough, but as teachers we keep being told 'X made this decision' and we go 'why is X being allowed to make this decision? !'
posted by freethefeet at 5:55 PM on June 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
Good parenting is saying "you are not old enough yet to make this kind of decision" (even though more and more decisions get made at this age teens are not mini adults. Especially at 13.)
From the twin front, a similar situation came up - slightly older kids though- and it has been rough on the twins' relationship with each other. From super close to totally separate.
It is super tough, but as teachers we keep being told 'X made this decision' and we go 'why is X being allowed to make this decision? !'
posted by freethefeet at 5:55 PM on June 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm not in the USA and perhaps this isn't information you need to share with a 13 year old - but kids in care homes are more likely to be exposed to violence, either witnessing, receiving or perpertuating it. Sometimes this includes sexualised behaviour. Many(all?) children in group homes have come from trauma and are traumatized. We hope this is not the case any more but historically these settings are where abuse happened.
Friends of mine have worked in this type of home- the opportunity to have a positive one to one relationship with these kids is just not there.
This isn't intended to be sensational or over the top- just my understanding of what is a fairly brutal system here- and I understand that it is fairly similar around the world.
posted by freethefeet at 6:07 PM on June 11, 2017 [4 favorites]
Friends of mine have worked in this type of home- the opportunity to have a positive one to one relationship with these kids is just not there.
This isn't intended to be sensational or over the top- just my understanding of what is a fairly brutal system here- and I understand that it is fairly similar around the world.
posted by freethefeet at 6:07 PM on June 11, 2017 [4 favorites]
The decision is ultimately up to A
I have a stepbrother who grew up in foster care and group home situations in Massachusetts and based on what you've told me, I don't think this is the case. If A is not eligible for foster care and A does not have some sort of mental health issue A is very unlikely to be in a situation where he can make the decision to put himself in a group home. A should have a legal guardian or a case worker who will help make that decision. It's possible he was legally placed with the aunt in which case if he is no longer staying there he needs to be legally placed somewhere else, whether it's a group home or something else.
the facility can tell the kids to leave.
Also if the kid winds up a ward of the state and he breaks the rules seriously in a group home, he could end up in juvie or at least that's the path that took my stepbrother from where he was to... being my stepbrother (my mom let him move in with her when he was 17 1/2 so he wouldn't have to go basically to jail for what was a low level infraction at his group home)
tl;dr You should contact DCF and get more information about this specific situation.
posted by jessamyn at 7:49 PM on June 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
I have a stepbrother who grew up in foster care and group home situations in Massachusetts and based on what you've told me, I don't think this is the case. If A is not eligible for foster care and A does not have some sort of mental health issue A is very unlikely to be in a situation where he can make the decision to put himself in a group home. A should have a legal guardian or a case worker who will help make that decision. It's possible he was legally placed with the aunt in which case if he is no longer staying there he needs to be legally placed somewhere else, whether it's a group home or something else.
the facility can tell the kids to leave.
Also if the kid winds up a ward of the state and he breaks the rules seriously in a group home, he could end up in juvie or at least that's the path that took my stepbrother from where he was to... being my stepbrother (my mom let him move in with her when he was 17 1/2 so he wouldn't have to go basically to jail for what was a low level infraction at his group home)
tl;dr You should contact DCF and get more information about this specific situation.
posted by jessamyn at 7:49 PM on June 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm a Massachusetts teacher and have worked with kids who lived in group homes.
A 13 year old isn't allowed to make this decision.
Do you know what type of group home this is? I ask because MA has a few wonderful homes for LGBTQ kids who aren't safe in their own homes. If it's that type of home, then it should be further investigated.
If it's just a regular group home, then it's not a good idea for all the reasons mentioned above.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:01 AM on June 12, 2017 [2 favorites]
A 13 year old isn't allowed to make this decision.
Do you know what type of group home this is? I ask because MA has a few wonderful homes for LGBTQ kids who aren't safe in their own homes. If it's that type of home, then it should be further investigated.
If it's just a regular group home, then it's not a good idea for all the reasons mentioned above.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:01 AM on June 12, 2017 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:11 PM on June 11, 2017 [5 favorites]