Tablex 4000 crappy crap

January 16, 2006 12:45 PM

Help me name a new surgical table.

It's a fully electric, universal operating table that has attachments for all standard positions. If my boss gets his way, we'll call it something akin to Tablex 4000 -- please save me from this utter hell of naming.

posted by cior to grab bag (67 comments total)

The Mengele 4000
posted by dong_resin at 12:47 PM on January 16, 2006

Pokeyland
posted by dong_resin at 12:48 PM on January 16, 2006

DrJohnEvans
posted by DrJohnEvans at 12:55 PM on January 16, 2006

Bad things happen here a.k.a. Bethh
posted by 517 at 12:57 PM on January 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

Who buys them, hospitals or medical supply companies?
posted by deadfather at 1:01 PM on January 16, 2006

Surgeons, clinics, hospitals, universities, in that order.
posted by cior at 1:02 PM on January 16, 2006

I've always liked "plain" names for high tech things.

Platform
Theater
Workspace
Lifespace
SurgerySpace
posted by frogan at 1:04 PM on January 16, 2006

The Chopper 4001.
posted by Rothko at 1:05 PM on January 16, 2006

The Scrutinizer
posted by Falconetti at 1:07 PM on January 16, 2006

Or, Sir Jerry.
posted by Falconetti at 1:08 PM on January 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'd probably stick with something conservative since you're selling to institutional clients who might tend to balk at an "edgy" name.

If you want to get rid of the numbers, how about something straightforward and descriptive (and kind of retro), like "The [company name] Universal". Is this part of a line of tables? If so, I think it's important to use the same naming convention used for the rest of your line, so that prospective purchasers can easily determine where in the line each product fits.

I think you probably want something industrial-sounding, since purchasers will be very interested in durability and reliability.

On preview, "Platform" is kind of what I'm thinking of...
posted by mr_roboto at 1:10 PM on January 16, 2006

Zappatech 4000 (influenced by Falconetti)
posted by alteredcarbon at 1:10 PM on January 16, 2006

The Operating System.
posted by Fat Guy at 1:13 PM on January 16, 2006

Operation: Table
posted by Rothko at 1:18 PM on January 16, 2006

MASH Tape

You're dealing with an older crowd; this might bring up some good memories, and really does hit on exactly the type of stuff you'll be using it for.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 1:18 PM on January 16, 2006

1. Stablex (combines "stable" and "table")

2. Surgi-Stable Platform 2006

3. Stable-Form
posted by davidmsc at 1:18 PM on January 16, 2006

Batman? Everytime I add a server / non-employee used machine I assign a name from the Justice League.

Martian Man-Hunter is up next!
posted by AllesKlar at 1:18 PM on January 16, 2006

Bobbit.
posted by holloway at 1:21 PM on January 16, 2006

Oh, it's spelt "Bobbitt", or just Bob around your conservative guests.
posted by holloway at 1:25 PM on January 16, 2006

Craig.
posted by Robot Johnny at 1:30 PM on January 16, 2006

Dave
posted by TheDonF at 1:32 PM on January 16, 2006

Serious: can you name it after a long-dead famous surgeon or something, if you want to avoid a number? Someone from antiquity or the Renaissance maybe?

Nonserious: the probe-u-lation station.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:33 PM on January 16, 2006

Death Platform 9000
Pain Palace (name of a bread store in France)
The kill-a-ma-jig (see Simpsons)
Last known location
The Dance Floor (as in: lets go for a spin on the Dance Floor)
The Big Empty
Probe Station Number 9 (with optional Probe-ulator)
the Justice Table
Camelot
Dr. Jones's house of unspeakable horrors
Flatland
Flatline
Stabstation Gold
Regret
End of the Line
the Dinner Table
Beginners Luck
Wilma
Malpractianator
Agony Booth
Tablesaurus Rex
the Cutting Board
Lucy
Tablenator
Friskanation Station
posted by blue_beetle at 1:34 PM on January 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

The geek in me loves....

The surgiverse table: a fully electric, universal operating table that has attachments for all standard positions.

Whereas, the more established surgeon I play on tv is enamored with...

The Precision (Surgical Table)
posted by safetyfork at 1:35 PM on January 16, 2006

Serious: we can name it after a famous or dead surgeon, but unfortunately, several of our competitors have already had that idea. Before we figured it out it was already a popular line with another company, we were in love with "Halstead".

Unserious: keep it coming, my whole office is pissing their pants with laughter.
posted by cior at 1:36 PM on January 16, 2006

How could whatever name you choose be worse than this one? I mean, come on. Sham and pain in the same word?

Real suggestions:
OpTable
SurgiCenter

Not real suggestions:
Nip/Tuck Everlasting
Theater of Blood
The Vincent Price Pain-O-Rama
posted by iconomy at 1:37 PM on January 16, 2006

UniStable
posted by puke & cry at 1:38 PM on January 16, 2006

Funny: we already have an OP Table.
posted by cior at 1:39 PM on January 16, 2006

There are a lot of commercial products in the world that need names, but for which obvious names do not present themselves. In these cases, I follow the example of fifties-era marketers, and suggest names like "the executive," "the diplomat," "the ambassador." Hey, they worked for toupees, right?

Then again, you point out this is good for "all positions," so perhaps "Kama Sutra" would be a good name.
posted by adamrice at 1:42 PM on January 16, 2006

Deathbringer
LifeMaker
Patch Adams
the HealingPad
the Rejuvenator
Metal Monster
Mr. Bendy
Knife Testing Station
Tramapad
the Comfy Couch
The Cold Flat Steel Table
Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds
Mr. Ouch
the Precoffin
Operatoration
OpSlab Omega
Resurrection Station
Line Item Detail #1298832 - Surgical Table (1 Unit)
posted by blue_beetle at 1:43 PM on January 16, 2006

Indiana Jones and the Table of Doom
The Master's Workshop, The Freddy Kruger edition
Frankensteiner
Slice & Dicer 2000
Bring The Pain
Veg-o-Matic
Deathbed 5000
posted by iconomy at 1:49 PM on January 16, 2006

The iSlice 3000...
posted by johnsmith415 at 1:50 PM on January 16, 2006

Was I alone in thinking that the questioner was a surgeon who's hospital had recently got a new table and he wanted an affectionate/humorous name for it, in the same way that people give names to their cars/computers etc?

On preview: Apparently I was alone. So very alone. Oh well, time for my pills.
posted by matthewr at 1:50 PM on January 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

Please include the tagline: a cut above the rest.
posted by safetyfork at 1:52 PM on January 16, 2006

matthewr: sadly, no we are equipment pimps.
posted by cior at 1:56 PM on January 16, 2006

The ChopMaster 3000...
posted by johnsmith415 at 1:57 PM on January 16, 2006

The Power Surge
The Stainless Steal (maybe this is a better marketing slogan)
E 'R Us
Table for One
Reservations Required
Tabula Masta
Serge Gainesboard (reference, in case this is obscure)
Mesa de Dios
Mesa del Cielo
Mesa del Diablo
SuperMesa
SuMesa (also the name of a Mexico grocery store)
Sur la Table
OperaTable
posted by donpedro at 2:00 PM on January 16, 2006

I can't believe no one's suggested "Smooth Operator" yet.
posted by Robot Johnny at 2:01 PM on January 16, 2006

Oh my, we're in stitches, the thread has been forwarded throughout the company, wildfire, cheeks flushed hilarity.
posted by cior at 2:04 PM on January 16, 2006

adamrice totally missed an opportunity.

How about the Kama Suture?
posted by emelenjr at 2:04 PM on January 16, 2006

The Fenestrator
posted by rabbitsnake at 2:06 PM on January 16, 2006

Oh my, we're in stitches

So to speak. :)
posted by donpedro at 2:07 PM on January 16, 2006

Speaking of which:

A Stitch in Thine
posted by donpedro at 2:08 PM on January 16, 2006

"OmniPlat"

"The Uppercut"
"The Takeout Counter"
posted by Radio7 at 2:14 PM on January 16, 2006

Tabula Razor
posted by emelenjr at 2:21 PM on January 16, 2006

Skytron?
posted by 6:1 at 2:30 PM on January 16, 2006

Spongejob Squareplank

(Sorry, last one. I'm glad your co-workers are getting a kick out of this, and hope you're also getting some workable ideas or at least ones that will set you all on a final name. Please let us know.)
posted by donpedro at 2:31 PM on January 16, 2006

sorry, just reread the post.

Nurse's best friend would be my thought.
posted by 6:1 at 2:36 PM on January 16, 2006

the Hal 9000?
posted by Derive the Hamiltonian of... at 2:54 PM on January 16, 2006

Combo Table.
Supine, Prone and Lithotomy all-in-one.
posted by 6:1 at 2:59 PM on January 16, 2006

The Examinatrix
posted by fandango_matt at 3:00 PM on January 16, 2006

Professional wet blanket, here.

Words of advice: Whatever you pick, remember that anything other than a industry standard generic descriptor needs a trademark search. Which means research and money. The USPTO website is a good place to start, but you'll need a lawyer to file paperwork, do legwork, etc.

Even if you don't want to trademark it, the last thing you want to do is infringe on someone else's mark. That could cost you big money. And I guarantee something like "Tablex" is already taken. So that should get you out of that dillema.

You should think about the importance of your corporate brand. The cooler the product name is, the less importance your corporate name gets to your target markets. Which means if you sell multiple products to the same target, you're missing an opportunity. Alphanumerics or generic descriptors are clear, obvious and put the importance on the master brand.

Then again, if your company makes one product, your brand isn't a corporate focus and you're not spending any money to advertise to your market, the more unique the name is, the better.

Igor has a good section on their site about evaluating names. Hopefully, it'll help you find the right name, not just the funniest.

Good luck!
posted by Gucky at 3:00 PM on January 16, 2006

Flextable. (Pronounce it like "Flexible" with a "T" stuck in it.)
posted by Tubes at 3:37 PM on January 16, 2006

Steak Factory
posted by cellphone at 3:48 PM on January 16, 2006

Death Cab for Cutty
posted by iconomy at 4:06 PM on January 16, 2006

The Trepanation Station
The Insta-Spay 4000
The Dungeon Master
The Chipimplantster
Mr. Gettysburg
E. Coli McInfectionMaker
posted by furiousthought at 4:06 PM on January 16, 2006

The Malprac-table

teh R0><><0 r t4b13br>
since you are selling to medical administrators, "the 5 Iron"

for HMO's the Deduc-table

If you can get licensed, "The Swiss Army Table"


The daytime cutting, retracting, lifting, suctioning, cauterizing, suturing, so you can get your Mercedes.... table

on a more rational note I would prefer something like UT1
or MT1 you could then easily track improvements in the style or new models as UT11 or UT2

If they really like TableX try for the (X company) TX1 or T1X
T1X looks particuallarly cool
posted by Megafly at 4:37 PM on January 16, 2006

Flextable. (Pronounce it like "Flexible" with a "T" stuck in it.)

All I can think of is the Cosby Show... with Heathcliff Flextable
posted by Robot Johnny at 4:45 PM on January 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

The Coop
Stablizer
posted by plinth at 5:15 PM on January 16, 2006

Although i really liked this: "Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds" I would have to suggest:

The Popeel Pocket Slice and Dice.
posted by zaelic at 5:19 PM on January 16, 2006

My Japanese GF suggests (I post in the interests of cross-cultural sharing...)

Hello Kitty

and then...

Hello Gutty
posted by zaelic at 5:21 PM on January 16, 2006

The Eviscatron
Urge Overkill
Final Exit
The Haruspex
The MeatMaster 9000
The Blue Plate Special
The Black-and-Blue Plate Special
The Red Plate Special
Cutty Sark
Knifey Sark
The De-luxe Mumbledypeg Set (knives not included)
posted by solid-one-love at 7:11 PM on January 16, 2006

Systeme Laparotomíe avec Bolstres (S.L.A.B.)
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:50 PM on January 16, 2006

emelenjr's "Tabula Razor" is _really_ good.
posted by Malor at 8:05 PM on January 16, 2006

Henry or Frederick.
posted by doorsnake at 9:50 AM on January 17, 2006

Gepetto

You know ... the guy that made the puppet that thought he was a real boy...
posted by frogan at 8:53 AM on June 8, 2006

And the actual name used was ... Lucerne.
posted by russilwvong at 12:04 AM on June 11, 2006