"So what's new with you?" "Well..."

April 28, 2017 4:47 AM

What's the least embarrassing, awkward-making way of telling people that you haven't seen in a while that you've had a loss in the family?

I've been reconnecting with a lot of people I haven't seen for a few years, and over the next few weeks I'll be meeting more. I am wondering how to mention the fact that my dad died recently (well... 9 months ago). I don't know how to do this without embarrassing people.

I didn't do what a lot of people seem to do nowadays, which is post on Facebook about my dad's passing; I thought about it but it didn't seem right. But now I wonder if I should have done something like that, because now that I'm meeting up with old friends and acquaintances again, they have NO idea what's been up with me if they haven't been in touch with me over the past year.

Usually what happens is, we'll be chatting away and things will be quite normal, and then they'll say something like "Enough of me, what's new with YOU, Ziggy?" or ask why I've been off the radar and the answer to both those questions is that my father died. Then they get embarrassed, I get embarrassed, and I get sad, and it gets awkward. And I have no idea how to come off the topic, either. "...But APART from that, things are good"? At the same time, the easiest thing to do - avoid the topic and not mention my dad at all - also seems really weird and dishonest, and disrespectful too, somehow.

So some suggested wording would be nice. Thanks MeFi.

posted by Ziggy500 to Human Relations (16 answers total)

As your friend/acquaintance I am much more interested in being there with you than awkwardness. I'd be fine with "well, I lost dad in...."

You could also do a "it's been 9 months since I lost dad, was thinking about..." post on FB
posted by warriorqueen at 4:54 AM on April 28, 2017 [9 favorites]

Best answer: I find it best to tell people how to react so they don't panic and try not to upset you (and sometimes say something stupid).

So I would go with "ah, unfortunately we have had a really sad year. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and passed away suddenly. Obviously it was a massive shock and it took me out for quite a while. Starting to get back into my things but still feeling quite fragile!" You can then either change the subject or invite further discussion.
posted by kadia_a at 4:59 AM on April 28, 2017 [32 favorites]

Best answer: Maybe it would help to question whether "embarrassed" is really how your friends feel when you tell them? I would be deeply sad for you - and yes, it's a surprising and saddening thing to hear and I probably wouldn't know what to say immediately, but that doesn't make it unusual or wrong to share it.

Maybe try prefacing it a bit - "Well, it's been a rough time for me ..." - before going on to say that your dad passed away 9 months ago? Then you can acknowledge that it's really hit you hard and that you're still grieving, and (if you want) finish with a positive note about how you feel ready now to reconnect and are working on that.

Your friends will still probably visibly search for something to say in response, but that's okay. Most of us don't know what to say in the face of loss, but that doesn't mean we don't care or wish you had kept it to yourself. Let the moment breathe a bit - and even if the conversation trails off a bit at that point, that's still okay and doesn't mean that you've committed a grave social sin. There will be other conversations.

I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by DingoMutt at 5:06 AM on April 28, 2017 [15 favorites]

If/when you want to move on from the topic, you could give the person a kind of verbal cue about your expectations for their response. I understand that 'apart from that, things are cool' feels really weird, but I think there are some options.

I have a friend who *does* get flustered by people discussing tough times, and the friend often responds by saying something like: 'But you're on the mend now, though?' or 'But it'll be better soon, won't it.' Which I find a really pretty unsupportive response! But I mention it because it suggests to me what some people want to hear. Some people find it hard to listen to a friend in distress, and you shouldn't be obliged to give them a 'happy ending', but you may find it less stressful to offer a verbal nod in that direction.

So if it's not a horrible misrepresentation of your situation, you could talk about your experience and conclude with something like '...but I've had some really useful support' or 'I'm looking forward to things being less tough'. Or 'I've been enjoying/looking forward to getting back in touch with [people]/back into [activity]'

As DingoMutt mentions, I hope that many of your friends will be OK with supportively listening and not require you to wrap it the situation neatly, and I hope that even if you want to duck out of the conversation the first time it comes up, it wouldn't shut the door on you getting a chance to talk later, if these are friends you'll like to do that with. Good luck.
posted by Socksmith at 5:31 AM on April 28, 2017

I think kadia_a's approach is good and not too Pollyanna. One aspect I'd highlight is starting by setting the tone - "it's been a tough year" or similar - gives the other person a chance to adjust to unexpected news. I know I autopilot a bit when doing this sort of catch-up, and it's much less mutually awkward if I'm not still grinning like an idiot while someone tells me they've had a dreadful loss. But, your friends might have smoother social skills!
posted by carbide at 5:35 AM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]

The ring theory of "Comfort in, dump out" is a good paradigm to guide you in these situations. It is OK to respond to this any way that you want to.

Say whatever you want-- whatever makes you comfortable and helps you process the grief. My mother died four weeks ago, and I also didn't post anything on Facebook, which I use for professional reasons, and to learn about topics I am interested in, and for hobby groups. None of those people need to hear any of that-- in my opinion, and I am the one most affected by my mother's death. I also choose not to use terms like "passed" or "left us" or "graduated from life", even though my siblings did. I have always found those euphemisms distasteful. When I choose to tell someone, I say plainly, "My mother died." Everyone will offer condolences, and it may be awkward for some people, and that is fine. In just a few moments the conversation will move on.

What I trying to say is that the emotional weight in these conversations is in your favor and you can do or say the things that help you, and don't take on the worry of feeling like you also have to grieve in advance for all of your friends and acquaintances as well. Be as brief as you want, or as detailed. Use any term you like. Scream and rend your clothes-- they are all valid responses. It is up to them to be polite to you, not the other way around.

TL;DR: Any answer is fine, including not telling them. Don't worry about their responses, and express your grief in the manner that seems right to you.
posted by seasparrow at 5:35 AM on April 28, 2017 [4 favorites]

I think one of the things that might be contributing to any perceived embarrassment is people thinking they missed out on the news initially and feeling bad about it. Since that's not the case, you might start out with, "I haven't been very public about it, but my dad passed away a few months ago, and..."- that gives them the news, and avoids any internal 'oh god how did I not know ziggy's dad passed away, did I miss a Facebook post, am I a bad friend?' thoughts they might otherwise have.

Not that you in any way have to feel responsible for their feelings, just thought that might be a contributing factor to the possible awkwardness you mentioned wanting to avoid.

As far as where that sentence goes, that's up to you. If you feel comfortable with it, you can share honestly about how you've been feeling, or you can tie it up with a neat, prepared statement like 'it's been a lot to deal with, but I'm doing alright now. How are things with you?'

You don't have to give people details if you don't feel like it, you don't have to tell everyone in the same way.

I'm very sorry for your loss.
posted by rachaelfaith at 5:44 AM on April 28, 2017 [16 favorites]

My mom died almost four years ago. If I see someone I haven't seen for a while who knew her, I might mention it (especially, of course, if they ask about my family). But otherwise, I just don't see a reason that I need to drop it into conversation if it doesn't come up naturally.
posted by amro at 5:55 AM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

I really can't think of a wrong way for you to phrase this. But it sounds like you just want to update people and then move on, in which case I think you should share just enough information for people not to ask follow-up questions and then lob the conversation ball back to them.
Example:
Them: "What's new in your life?"
You: "Well, probably the biggest thing is that my dad passed away (unexpectedly / from cancer / after a heart attack) 9 months ago so my life has been a bit upside down lately but I've been getting by. How is your family?"
posted by pintapicasso at 5:59 AM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

I have the same situation and here's what I've learned:

1. At the appropriate time I just say, "My dad died very suddenly about X time ago," then pause.
2. They say something, like I'm so sorry, or sorry to hear that, or whatever.
3. I say thank you, then I keep going with whatever the subject was. Ex, if they asked how my parents are doing, I tell them my dad died very suddenly and now my mom lives here and she's doing well and has gotten into tennis.

It seems like the direct plus pause seems to work pretty well. No one really dwells on it because people hate talking about death.
posted by lockestockbarrel at 6:37 AM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]

It depends on how you want to frame it, and how you want the conversation to go afterwards. I know (from experience) that mentioning a death in the family can be a conversation-stopper, but one reason for that is that "my dad died" isn't a full statement (no matter how many details you give about when/where/why), because it doesn't direct the conversation to anywhere specific. Decide where you want the conversation to go, and point it that way. Do you want to talk about it, or move on to something else? So you want to talk about your dad as a person or his death as an event? Do you want to have a space to express your sadness, or do you just want to make sure they know that there was an important event in your life? Do you want to talk about how you feel about his death, or about things happening in your family as a result of it? Do you want to talk about the practicalities of being of an age where ones parents could die? Or maybe you just want to give them a piece of news because they asked what's new with you this year, but you really would rather talk about something else. Basically you have to take control of the conversation, and it's not all that death is sad and they're embarrassed that they've shown no sensitivity over something they didn't know about, it's partly that there are too many directions to go, they need a clue as to how to respond.

When I needed people to know why I'd been out of touch, but I didn't want to derail the conversation, I said things like "Oh, it's been a year of ups and downs - you knew my father's been sick right? He passed away in October, so that's been the biggest thing this fall. We've been spending more time with family, so haven't been out as much, probably why I haven't seen you. But we also were working on a house project, husband just built new bookshelves blahblah, did you know we went to [distract/redirect]?" (with appropriate pauses for sympathetic noises but not enough for them to feel they need to say something really)
posted by aimedwander at 7:19 AM on April 28, 2017

I was also coming in to suggest starting out with "It's been a rough year" or similar. I have gone through something similar and agree it sort of prepares people for what they're about to hear. My only other thing to add to that is to get what made it a rough year relatively quickly so they're not left imagining lots of terrible things. I say this hopefully not in the sense of "you need to manage other people's feelings about the death of your father", which is not how I feel, but rather because I know you want the conversation to go as smoothly as possible.

I also don't like to post about this kind of thing on Facebook, and have largely avoided it. I think that's fine and reasonable, and is entirely your call. Are many of your friends connected? You could ask a few of your friends to spread the word for you, if your main goal is wanting people to know so you don't have to bring it up.

I'm sorry for your loss, and wish you well.
posted by freezer cake at 9:43 AM on April 28, 2017

I don't think there's anything wrong with using Facebook in this way, and in fact I am much less judgey of people who use it to announce big, need-to-tell-everyone, once in a lifetime events such as weddings, funerals, babies, rather than merely posting click bait articles or what they had for lunch every day.

I get that it can somewhat annoying to see an endless stream of weddings or engagements or babies but I don't think that's a reflection on the people actually posting these things more than a simple Grinch-y instinct most of the time. I mean, there is an obnoxious braggy way to post weddings and babies and engagements, but everyone is certainly allowed one tasteful, understated announcement before I get the Grinch hat out.

Since you're 9 months out from your father's death, and presumably did NOT make a Facebook announcement at the time, I suggest waiting until the year of anniversary and making one then. Actually, father's day would also be an appropriate time to post this. I often see people posting tributes to dads who have passed away in a tasteful and sweet way.

I'm thinking more of something like a tribute to his life, perhaps a photo of the two of you, and a simple "Love you dad. Miss you every day. Thank you for everything you taught me and gave me."

More/less sappy to your personal preference.

Anyone who has a problem with that is just mean, IMHO.
posted by stockpuppet at 9:47 AM on April 28, 2017

Best answer: I like the "It's been a rough year ... Dad died ... I'm doing okay" structure with a space for them to say "I'm so sorry!" but not much else. You can tag on to that something like, "Now that I'm feeling a bit more myself, it helps to be out with friends, and hearing about their families/talking about baseball/engaging in mutual interest." which will give 90% of them the cue to say, "Did you see the latest Star Wars trailer?" or whatever the current hot topic in your shared interest is. And if they're still too flummoxed, you can segue from "I like to talk about our usual normal stuff" into "so did you see that star wars trailer?" without much awkwardness.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:30 AM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

Yeah, the awkward pause is mostly the other person thinking "oh no - what reaction does Ziggy500 want from me? Help!"
So the clearer you make it, the smoother the conversation will go.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:02 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

I've had this too and I second the idea to drop in guidance for the response you prefer. I don't love having to deal with tons of follow-up questions so I have an almost mini-speech about how it was very unexpected but we have been so touched by how many people sent messages and support, and how we are trying to get back into the normal routine and focus on how grateful we are for what we had him, and not on how sad we are for the loss.
posted by ficbot at 8:15 PM on April 29, 2017