Dealing with oversensitivity in social situations
November 22, 2015 4:03 PM Subscribe
I've always had a hard time with making and keeping friends. Whether it be my insecurities, obnoxious behaviour, weirdness growing up, lots of bullying growing up, etc. I've always felt lonely, sad, frustrated, insecure and weird in social situations - this from all the way when I was a wee little child.
Nowadays, even though I still do lack in close friendships, just have one or two, I have the most casual friends I've ever had. I have a lot of support at work, at home, in my life in general. I should by all accounts be a confident, happy person. However, I find myself feeling stupidly insecure in many social situations, reading too much into peoples' glances or body language, and then feeling terrible that everyone's being mean to me.
Because of this deep insecurity, I have lost a lot of existing and budding friendships.
For example,
Friends and I go for a drink. When I get there, everyone's sitting around in a cliquey setting, not really inclusive to me. I feel a bit awkward and try to make conversation. It doesn't really go the way I want. I find even my closest friends aren't talking to me, are engaged with others. Instead of taking this lightly, or leaving the place because I'm not feeling it, or realizing I'm often oversensitive and maybe this is in my head, or remembering all the other good times I have had with these people...I feel overwhelmed with sadness/disappointment/feeling like the odd one out/feeling weird and lonely. I end up crying, freaking out, etc.
I always feel embarrassed and awkward in social situations, reading into things and then asking my friends for reassurance after, and I know I've lost friendships over people feeling overwhelmed by my need for reassurance. I know many people like me, but can't stand my insecurity.
I also realize the reason I'm sad and stressed about social situations and friendships is that I'm not used to having friends, which means I have skewed standards for friendships that are probably way too high for my own good. I know I'm generous with my friendships when it comes to time, money, words of affection, but many others aren't. They might show their affection in a different way. Honestly, I'm way too hyper-aware in social situations, and this is my downfall. The more anxious I get, the more I behave in ways that is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
On top of all those insecurities, my baseline personality is already a little overwhelming - I'm highly talkative, I'm energetic as heck, I'm extroverted, and more than anything, I'm anxious. With all these issues taken into account, I guess I'm actually doing pretty OK. Mostly, people accept me and my personality. Mostly, people laugh at my jokes. I'm mostly considered an attractive, kind, fun-loving, accepting person, who is also insecure due to very real abuse in my earlier life. Mostly, things are OK in my life taking everything into account.
Can any of you relate to feeling terrible about yourself socially, when by all accounts things should be OK? How do you get over feeling so sensitive about everyone's opinions and perceptions of you? How do you stop living in that self-fulfilling prophecy, that you're awkward and weird?
I just can't live like this anymore.
Nowadays, even though I still do lack in close friendships, just have one or two, I have the most casual friends I've ever had. I have a lot of support at work, at home, in my life in general. I should by all accounts be a confident, happy person. However, I find myself feeling stupidly insecure in many social situations, reading too much into peoples' glances or body language, and then feeling terrible that everyone's being mean to me.
Because of this deep insecurity, I have lost a lot of existing and budding friendships.
For example,
Friends and I go for a drink. When I get there, everyone's sitting around in a cliquey setting, not really inclusive to me. I feel a bit awkward and try to make conversation. It doesn't really go the way I want. I find even my closest friends aren't talking to me, are engaged with others. Instead of taking this lightly, or leaving the place because I'm not feeling it, or realizing I'm often oversensitive and maybe this is in my head, or remembering all the other good times I have had with these people...I feel overwhelmed with sadness/disappointment/feeling like the odd one out/feeling weird and lonely. I end up crying, freaking out, etc.
I always feel embarrassed and awkward in social situations, reading into things and then asking my friends for reassurance after, and I know I've lost friendships over people feeling overwhelmed by my need for reassurance. I know many people like me, but can't stand my insecurity.
I also realize the reason I'm sad and stressed about social situations and friendships is that I'm not used to having friends, which means I have skewed standards for friendships that are probably way too high for my own good. I know I'm generous with my friendships when it comes to time, money, words of affection, but many others aren't. They might show their affection in a different way. Honestly, I'm way too hyper-aware in social situations, and this is my downfall. The more anxious I get, the more I behave in ways that is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
On top of all those insecurities, my baseline personality is already a little overwhelming - I'm highly talkative, I'm energetic as heck, I'm extroverted, and more than anything, I'm anxious. With all these issues taken into account, I guess I'm actually doing pretty OK. Mostly, people accept me and my personality. Mostly, people laugh at my jokes. I'm mostly considered an attractive, kind, fun-loving, accepting person, who is also insecure due to very real abuse in my earlier life. Mostly, things are OK in my life taking everything into account.
Can any of you relate to feeling terrible about yourself socially, when by all accounts things should be OK? How do you get over feeling so sensitive about everyone's opinions and perceptions of you? How do you stop living in that self-fulfilling prophecy, that you're awkward and weird?
I just can't live like this anymore.
Just as a point of information: are you getting any kind of treatment for your anxiety?
posted by DarlingBri at 4:15 PM on November 22, 2015
posted by DarlingBri at 4:15 PM on November 22, 2015
Response by poster: My anxiety is *so* much better now than even a year ago, and I do see a therapist but rather inconsistently due to some money constraints.
I just want some advice from folks who can relate to this seemingly silly issue. I do think age will help, but what do you tell yourself in those high pressure anxiety fuelled situations?
posted by rhythm_queen at 4:18 PM on November 22, 2015
I just want some advice from folks who can relate to this seemingly silly issue. I do think age will help, but what do you tell yourself in those high pressure anxiety fuelled situations?
posted by rhythm_queen at 4:18 PM on November 22, 2015
I can relate. I often struggle in group settings like those you describe.
Therapy has helped me. Learning how to read groups a bit better has helped too. I also rely on one-on-one dinners and outings with close friends for my primary social engagement; I'll attend parties and group outings but I usually prepare an excuse to leave early.
It sounds like you have really come a long way. I think if you keep building your close friendships, and become more secure in them, the anxiety in the group settings will become less significant.
posted by bunderful at 4:19 PM on November 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Therapy has helped me. Learning how to read groups a bit better has helped too. I also rely on one-on-one dinners and outings with close friends for my primary social engagement; I'll attend parties and group outings but I usually prepare an excuse to leave early.
It sounds like you have really come a long way. I think if you keep building your close friendships, and become more secure in them, the anxiety in the group settings will become less significant.
posted by bunderful at 4:19 PM on November 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Can any of you relate to feeling terrible about yourself socially, when by all accounts things should be OK?
Yes - a thousand times yes! Even the example you gave is something I've experienced many times and for that reason I actively avoid "group social activities" of that type.
How do you get over feeling so sensitive about everyone's opinions and perceptions of you?
I'm still working on this myself, with therapy (boy do I feel you on the $$$ thing) and meds. But what really helps is to own the fact that I am oversensitive. I still sometimes feel insecure, and overreact when people are rude, and get bummed out over relatively little things... but these things happen less frequently and feel less severe since I've really started owning oversensitivity as one of my character traits.
So I'd say that you're already on your way, in that regard.
How do you stop living in that self-fulfilling prophecy, that you're awkward and weird?
Ugh, I wish I had an answer for this. Personally I don't mind being a little awkward and weird, so I try to own these personality traits just like I own my oversensitivity. But I think you'll find that the prophecy becomes less and less self-fulfilling as you continue to work through your anxiety.
Good luck!
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:29 PM on November 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yes - a thousand times yes! Even the example you gave is something I've experienced many times and for that reason I actively avoid "group social activities" of that type.
How do you get over feeling so sensitive about everyone's opinions and perceptions of you?
I'm still working on this myself, with therapy (boy do I feel you on the $$$ thing) and meds. But what really helps is to own the fact that I am oversensitive. I still sometimes feel insecure, and overreact when people are rude, and get bummed out over relatively little things... but these things happen less frequently and feel less severe since I've really started owning oversensitivity as one of my character traits.
So I'd say that you're already on your way, in that regard.
How do you stop living in that self-fulfilling prophecy, that you're awkward and weird?
Ugh, I wish I had an answer for this. Personally I don't mind being a little awkward and weird, so I try to own these personality traits just like I own my oversensitivity. But I think you'll find that the prophecy becomes less and less self-fulfilling as you continue to work through your anxiety.
Good luck!
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:29 PM on November 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Anti-anxiety medication changed my life.
Beyond that, though, I try to adopt this mantra: if someone has a problem with me, they can tell me. If that doesn't happen, I assume that they like me and want to be my friend. I interpret all of their behavior in the most positive possible light. Instead of trying to mind-read and get ahead of all the ways in which I might have alienated or annoyed people, I just make the active decision to assume that everything is fine until I receive unequivocal evidence to the contrary.
Basically, I feel like I spent most of my life thinking it was on me to mind-read other people - actively seeking out signs of unhappiness and discontent and working overtime to forestall any kind of negative emotion. This made social situations like the one you describe EXHAUSTING, because every time someone ignored me a little or wasn't super friendly it was like a five alarm emergency that had to be dealt with immediately - and a lot of the methods I used to deal with those situations (like, saying, 'what's wrong what's wrong what's wrong' and demanding endless reassurance) were counterproductive. So now, I'm just like, whelp, if my friends all secretly got together and decided they hate me, I'll know for sure soon enough, but in the meantime, I'm not going to waste time worrying about it; until then, I'm going to operate under the assumption that everything is fine. And most often, everything is.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 4:34 PM on November 22, 2015 [43 favorites]
Beyond that, though, I try to adopt this mantra: if someone has a problem with me, they can tell me. If that doesn't happen, I assume that they like me and want to be my friend. I interpret all of their behavior in the most positive possible light. Instead of trying to mind-read and get ahead of all the ways in which I might have alienated or annoyed people, I just make the active decision to assume that everything is fine until I receive unequivocal evidence to the contrary.
Basically, I feel like I spent most of my life thinking it was on me to mind-read other people - actively seeking out signs of unhappiness and discontent and working overtime to forestall any kind of negative emotion. This made social situations like the one you describe EXHAUSTING, because every time someone ignored me a little or wasn't super friendly it was like a five alarm emergency that had to be dealt with immediately - and a lot of the methods I used to deal with those situations (like, saying, 'what's wrong what's wrong what's wrong' and demanding endless reassurance) were counterproductive. So now, I'm just like, whelp, if my friends all secretly got together and decided they hate me, I'll know for sure soon enough, but in the meantime, I'm not going to waste time worrying about it; until then, I'm going to operate under the assumption that everything is fine. And most often, everything is.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 4:34 PM on November 22, 2015 [43 favorites]
Best answer: I can relate somewhat to the oversensitiveness and anxiety parts. A very helpful thing that I did was to re-frame social situations and activities as transactional. This means that the mindset is, I am here with these people to trade whatever companionship, conversation, humor, fun, etc. that the situation allows for. If there are less of these things that end up being traded around at the end of the night then that is fundamentally OK- it is not in anyway a reflection on me as a person and my value. Once you really internalize this, you start to put much less pressure on yourself and those around you to constantly make meaning out of every second. Things happen more organically. Be more forgiving on yourself- everyone in the world feels some level of social anxiety. It is what makes us human to a large degree- we have a need to fit in. You can tame your social mammoth once you realize that you have one and when left unchecked, tends to run the joint.
posted by incolorinred at 4:39 PM on November 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by incolorinred at 4:39 PM on November 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
I suffer from generalized anxiety, I totally relate to all of this, and I will say what's helped me:
"Taking back control" of my social life by organizing either
----> One-on-one get togethers with a particular friend (no groups, only me and the friend), because I do really well one-on-one. Also, one-on-one means the social playing field is now even. I'm not worrying about whether or not Susie thinks I'm as interesting to talk to as Jane, or if I'm getting on John's nerves because I'm telling a story about people that only Mark and I know. My close friends have come to learn that I'm a person who likes to hang out one-on-one, and they respect this choice. They still invite me to group settings as a courtesy, but unless it's a wedding or something where I don't have to talk to everyone the whole time (going to a movie as a group), I politely decline - for the sake of my sanity. YMMV. I'm introverted, and I know you said you're very extroverted, so only you will know how much this may work for your situation.
----> Taking the initiative to arrange hangouts with friends + hosting said hangouts. I don't mind having a party with friends if it's at my place- I'm in familiar territory, and I can go hide in my bedroom/bathroom if I 'need a moment' to recharge. Also, unless someone decides to be rude and bring a guest uninvited, I'm only going to be seeing the people I like enough to welcome into my home. It's not like when you show up at the bar to see your buds and surprise! they brought that dude you can't stand. Plus, when you initiate the hangouts, you still come across as warm and social. This is better than just gradually no longer showing up at your friends' get togethers, and having everyone assume that you're pulling a slow fade or turning into a snob. When someone invites you to a big group event where you're sure you'll feel uncomfortable or anxious, you can respond "I'm sorry, it's not possible for me to make it to the dinner party tonight, but I'd love to check out that taco truck with you on Saturday and hear all about your new job!"
The other thing that's helped me is taking anxiety medication on an as-needed basis. I'm not the greatest conversationalist of all time, but I'm way better (and more relaxed) than I was prior to anxiety medication.
posted by nightrecordings at 4:53 PM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Taking back control" of my social life by organizing either
----> One-on-one get togethers with a particular friend (no groups, only me and the friend), because I do really well one-on-one. Also, one-on-one means the social playing field is now even. I'm not worrying about whether or not Susie thinks I'm as interesting to talk to as Jane, or if I'm getting on John's nerves because I'm telling a story about people that only Mark and I know. My close friends have come to learn that I'm a person who likes to hang out one-on-one, and they respect this choice. They still invite me to group settings as a courtesy, but unless it's a wedding or something where I don't have to talk to everyone the whole time (going to a movie as a group), I politely decline - for the sake of my sanity. YMMV. I'm introverted, and I know you said you're very extroverted, so only you will know how much this may work for your situation.
----> Taking the initiative to arrange hangouts with friends + hosting said hangouts. I don't mind having a party with friends if it's at my place- I'm in familiar territory, and I can go hide in my bedroom/bathroom if I 'need a moment' to recharge. Also, unless someone decides to be rude and bring a guest uninvited, I'm only going to be seeing the people I like enough to welcome into my home. It's not like when you show up at the bar to see your buds and surprise! they brought that dude you can't stand. Plus, when you initiate the hangouts, you still come across as warm and social. This is better than just gradually no longer showing up at your friends' get togethers, and having everyone assume that you're pulling a slow fade or turning into a snob. When someone invites you to a big group event where you're sure you'll feel uncomfortable or anxious, you can respond "I'm sorry, it's not possible for me to make it to the dinner party tonight, but I'd love to check out that taco truck with you on Saturday and hear all about your new job!"
The other thing that's helped me is taking anxiety medication on an as-needed basis. I'm not the greatest conversationalist of all time, but I'm way better (and more relaxed) than I was prior to anxiety medication.
posted by nightrecordings at 4:53 PM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Ever consider that you might be a touch on the autism spectrum? I only ask, because I also have struggled with friendships all my life, am also very socially awkward and weird, have always been ACUTELY aware of all the little happenings and injustices and such in my social sphere (to the point where I was becoming angry at my new group of friends and even my own friends because no one else seemed to notice or care), am supremely socially anxious even as (and perhaps more so) I grow close to more people, and have always been very sensitive to the idea that I am out of place while everyone else seems to be doing just fine and I was recently diagnosed with High Functioning Autism. Turns out crippling social anxiety masks the underlying disorder so well in high functioning sorts that it takes quite a while, especially in adults, to uncover. Just a thought.
posted by Young Kullervo at 5:44 PM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Young Kullervo at 5:44 PM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
My psychiatrist is big into CBT and pointed me towards these workbooks here.
I don't know if they'd be useful to you but I found the methods of thinking about the situation and thinking about your own thinking patterns to be helpful - the one on social anxiety was pretty good even if it did have silly clip-art.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 5:48 PM on November 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
I don't know if they'd be useful to you but I found the methods of thinking about the situation and thinking about your own thinking patterns to be helpful - the one on social anxiety was pretty good even if it did have silly clip-art.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 5:48 PM on November 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
Are there friends who you regularly seek out for reassurance? If so, you could enlist their help. You could come up with a way for them to tell you if they notice that your anxiety is getting the better of you, or if you are overwhelming them. For instance, you could ask them to say "Your anxiety's talking again. It's all cool, man." And then you could respond by using a certain self soothing technique and dropping it.
Sure, it may be embarassing to address this with your friends, but I think a set script for them, rather than having to provide you with lengthy reassurance, would improve things between you.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:58 AM on November 23, 2015
Sure, it may be embarassing to address this with your friends, but I think a set script for them, rather than having to provide you with lengthy reassurance, would improve things between you.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:58 AM on November 23, 2015
Best answer: There was a time I used to feel hurt in that way, in that sort of setting. One way I think age has helped (bear with me) has been just having had time to observe lots and lots of interactions and notice the little things that can influence a dynamic that feels bad, things that have nothing to do with me. So, even if a night isn't going the way I might like, ideally, I can pull my emotional investment out of it. Time is time, but maybe paying attention to those third factors will help.
(2nd incolorinred - I think it's possible that you're picking up on nonverbals, tone of voice, etc., and interpreting those as personal insults, when something else might be going on. Not saying you're wrong, necessarily, in what you're seeing, it just might be that you're missing some stuff that would help you get a better picture overall.)
For example, when you met up with friends for drinks, they were already settled, in pairs, triads, whatever, engaged in particular conversations, maybe after having already had a few drinks - there was a particular flow going. You arrived, probably sober (totally different energy). After enough nights like that, it's easy to see that for what it is, recognize it's not personal rejection, sit back and go, "all right, let me catch up with this" (not necessarily drink more, just, settle in). And to be a bit more patient, and wait for a natural opening to happen - and, importantly, to resist the urge to rush in and change the flow right then and there, or force it.
When I was much younger, I might have been tempted to do a little song and dance to get people to like me, on occasion, when I felt awkward in a group. I might have succeeded in getting people to laugh or whatever, but it didn't always help to deepen relationships. I think if you feel that need to perform (vs. being your natural extraverted self), pull it back just a little and wait and listen. Really receive what they're giving instead of waiting for your turn (don't know if you're doing that, but maybe).
For any occasion: If you feel a little ball of hurt starting in your stomach, like you've been kicked, try to neutralize it by breathing deeply, walking away, and distracting yourself with "cold" or neutral thoughts. This may help free you to choose different kinds of responses.
Sorry you're feeling this way now. Remember (right now, and in those situations) - this is temporary, and it'll pass.
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:09 AM on November 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
(2nd incolorinred - I think it's possible that you're picking up on nonverbals, tone of voice, etc., and interpreting those as personal insults, when something else might be going on. Not saying you're wrong, necessarily, in what you're seeing, it just might be that you're missing some stuff that would help you get a better picture overall.)
For example, when you met up with friends for drinks, they were already settled, in pairs, triads, whatever, engaged in particular conversations, maybe after having already had a few drinks - there was a particular flow going. You arrived, probably sober (totally different energy). After enough nights like that, it's easy to see that for what it is, recognize it's not personal rejection, sit back and go, "all right, let me catch up with this" (not necessarily drink more, just, settle in). And to be a bit more patient, and wait for a natural opening to happen - and, importantly, to resist the urge to rush in and change the flow right then and there, or force it.
When I was much younger, I might have been tempted to do a little song and dance to get people to like me, on occasion, when I felt awkward in a group. I might have succeeded in getting people to laugh or whatever, but it didn't always help to deepen relationships. I think if you feel that need to perform (vs. being your natural extraverted self), pull it back just a little and wait and listen. Really receive what they're giving instead of waiting for your turn (don't know if you're doing that, but maybe).
For any occasion: If you feel a little ball of hurt starting in your stomach, like you've been kicked, try to neutralize it by breathing deeply, walking away, and distracting yourself with "cold" or neutral thoughts. This may help free you to choose different kinds of responses.
Sorry you're feeling this way now. Remember (right now, and in those situations) - this is temporary, and it'll pass.
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:09 AM on November 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
I used to be more anxious about social situations and here's something that helped me: I realized that people could turn me down if they didn't want to hang out with me, so I decided (mostly by an act of will) to start trusting that people meant it when they said yes. I also stopped trying to analyze and interpret body language so much, and decided (again mostly by an act of will, it didn't feel natural at the time) to start believing what people said to me and not try to second-guess them so much.
You said you don't have a lot of experience with friends, so here are some tips to help you calibrate your scale a bit better: I have found--particularly with casual friends--that sometimes it's harder to get a conversation started than it is at other times. This doesn't mean that those people dislike you; it's just the way social situations work sometimes. And it can feel really awkward when you try and start and a conversation and it goes over as well as a lead balloon, but that happens to most people sometimes and it doesn't mean you're unusually awkward or awful: it just means that you're human. So part of socializing with people and making friends is learning how to just stick it out through those awkward patches and try again with someone else, or just listen to an ongoing conversation and add your thoughts to it if there's an appropriate time. Having a meltdown in public because you're feeling left out is going to make it consistently harder for you to make new friends, so I think you should work on recognizing that feeling when it starts coming and excusing yourself before it happens in front of your friends.
posted by colfax at 3:42 AM on November 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
You said you don't have a lot of experience with friends, so here are some tips to help you calibrate your scale a bit better: I have found--particularly with casual friends--that sometimes it's harder to get a conversation started than it is at other times. This doesn't mean that those people dislike you; it's just the way social situations work sometimes. And it can feel really awkward when you try and start and a conversation and it goes over as well as a lead balloon, but that happens to most people sometimes and it doesn't mean you're unusually awkward or awful: it just means that you're human. So part of socializing with people and making friends is learning how to just stick it out through those awkward patches and try again with someone else, or just listen to an ongoing conversation and add your thoughts to it if there's an appropriate time. Having a meltdown in public because you're feeling left out is going to make it consistently harder for you to make new friends, so I think you should work on recognizing that feeling when it starts coming and excusing yourself before it happens in front of your friends.
posted by colfax at 3:42 AM on November 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Hugs to you, Rhythm Queen! I can relate to feeling socially anxious and awkward, and was abused when I was little, too.
It's wonderful you're willing to be self-aware, and willing to start experimenting with different ways of relating to others. Have you checked out David Burns' "Intimate Connections"? The basic idea is that we sometimes carry with us distorted ways of thinking about ourselves that negatively affect how we feel, and we trap ourselves in negative, self-reinforcing cycles. I find Burns' books to be friendly, warm, empathetic, and filled with practical, concrete steps you can take immediately to chip away at cognitive constraints.
Good luck on your journey!
posted by forasong at 12:11 PM on November 23, 2015
It's wonderful you're willing to be self-aware, and willing to start experimenting with different ways of relating to others. Have you checked out David Burns' "Intimate Connections"? The basic idea is that we sometimes carry with us distorted ways of thinking about ourselves that negatively affect how we feel, and we trap ourselves in negative, self-reinforcing cycles. I find Burns' books to be friendly, warm, empathetic, and filled with practical, concrete steps you can take immediately to chip away at cognitive constraints.
Good luck on your journey!
posted by forasong at 12:11 PM on November 23, 2015
Best answer: this is temporary, and it'll pass.
Want to just highlight this again - maybe it sounds glib, or maybe you're thinking, "that's bull, how can it be true when I've always felt this and done these things and don't know how to get from A to B?"
Maybe it feels like you're trapped by your history and automatic responses. I want to say - no, that doesn't have to be true. I endured some bullying as a young kid (stood out for various reasons); was very self-conscious in high school (hence the song and dance); suffered from GAD. Unless I think about it carefully, I can't even really remember what it felt like to live that way. In those respects, I am a different person; change is possible.
Today: no more GAD. I am a little anxious about some things, but it's manageable, it doesn't rule my life. Rarely self-conscious, and not in a debilitating way. Went from feeling awkward and sometimes behaving inappropriately (or freezing) to enjoying and being able to talk smoothly and with ease, with pretty much anyone - stranger, acquaintance, from whatever walk of life. Unprompted comments from friends today: "you can talk to anyone, I wish I could do that"; "you've got a strong, gregarious, positive personality" (not sure what that conversation was about, but anyway). I have some close friends on whom I know I can rely; I feel ok or good in most groups.
Between A and B, for me (I think):
- Paxil. I have seriously mixed (mostly negative) feelings about that drug, hated the side effects. I think it did help tame the anxiety, though. Other drugs with fewer side effects are around today. It might be worth trying them. (You need a psychiatrist for that though, someone with specialist knowledge of meds who's willing to monitor you over time, not your typical GP. I remember your location; this is covered by OHIP, it just might be a wait.)
- I don't recommend this, and it's not something that can be controlled, it's just life happening, but: experiencing things that were worse than GAD, and coming out the other side better, in some ways. The stress of those worse things, and the relief of them ending, burned away the last vestiges of my early self-consciousness. (In a physical way - I think my stress hormones just said F it after a while. Also,via cognitive mechanisms, by comparison.) I don't know if that helps… we just all have our own path, I guess. It does get better. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. You really don't know how things will turn out.
- Travel, and doing different kinds of things in different situations, with different people. Can't overstate how important this has been in expanding my repertoire of behaviour. Yes, some things about us are more stable over time. But we always, always have room to learn, and that's easier when we're around people who don't have the same kinds of expectations as those we grew up around. These expectations are tied to specific social groups and settings (e.g. different kinds of jobs) but also to cultures. If you stay in the same region, it's easier for those expectations to follow you around. At some point, try something really new, somewhere really far from where you've been (either in context or location). A public-facing job, for example (in a non-toxic work setting if poss). A long trip to Brazil. **Not right now, maybe in a bit, once you've tried more local strategies.
Good luck, rhythm_queen. You have some big struggles, but a lot of qualities, that we've all seen here. You have it in you to come through to the other side.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:33 PM on November 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
Want to just highlight this again - maybe it sounds glib, or maybe you're thinking, "that's bull, how can it be true when I've always felt this and done these things and don't know how to get from A to B?"
Maybe it feels like you're trapped by your history and automatic responses. I want to say - no, that doesn't have to be true. I endured some bullying as a young kid (stood out for various reasons); was very self-conscious in high school (hence the song and dance); suffered from GAD. Unless I think about it carefully, I can't even really remember what it felt like to live that way. In those respects, I am a different person; change is possible.
Today: no more GAD. I am a little anxious about some things, but it's manageable, it doesn't rule my life. Rarely self-conscious, and not in a debilitating way. Went from feeling awkward and sometimes behaving inappropriately (or freezing) to enjoying and being able to talk smoothly and with ease, with pretty much anyone - stranger, acquaintance, from whatever walk of life. Unprompted comments from friends today: "you can talk to anyone, I wish I could do that"; "you've got a strong, gregarious, positive personality" (not sure what that conversation was about, but anyway). I have some close friends on whom I know I can rely; I feel ok or good in most groups.
Between A and B, for me (I think):
- Paxil. I have seriously mixed (mostly negative) feelings about that drug, hated the side effects. I think it did help tame the anxiety, though. Other drugs with fewer side effects are around today. It might be worth trying them. (You need a psychiatrist for that though, someone with specialist knowledge of meds who's willing to monitor you over time, not your typical GP. I remember your location; this is covered by OHIP, it just might be a wait.)
- I don't recommend this, and it's not something that can be controlled, it's just life happening, but: experiencing things that were worse than GAD, and coming out the other side better, in some ways. The stress of those worse things, and the relief of them ending, burned away the last vestiges of my early self-consciousness. (In a physical way - I think my stress hormones just said F it after a while. Also,via cognitive mechanisms, by comparison.) I don't know if that helps… we just all have our own path, I guess. It does get better. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. You really don't know how things will turn out.
- Travel, and doing different kinds of things in different situations, with different people. Can't overstate how important this has been in expanding my repertoire of behaviour. Yes, some things about us are more stable over time. But we always, always have room to learn, and that's easier when we're around people who don't have the same kinds of expectations as those we grew up around. These expectations are tied to specific social groups and settings (e.g. different kinds of jobs) but also to cultures. If you stay in the same region, it's easier for those expectations to follow you around. At some point, try something really new, somewhere really far from where you've been (either in context or location). A public-facing job, for example (in a non-toxic work setting if poss). A long trip to Brazil. **Not right now, maybe in a bit, once you've tried more local strategies.
Good luck, rhythm_queen. You have some big struggles, but a lot of qualities, that we've all seen here. You have it in you to come through to the other side.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:33 PM on November 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
My psychiatrist is big into CBT and pointed me towards these workbooks here.
I have used those workbooks and agree that they are helpful. (Specifically I used the Shy No Longer books). They help you address exactly the sorts of situation you describe: "When I get there, everyone's sitting around in a cliquey setting, not really inclusive to me. I feel a bit awkward and try to make conversation. It doesn't really go the way I want. I find even my closest friends aren't talking to me, are engaged with others."
posted by Pink Frost at 4:24 PM on November 23, 2015
I have used those workbooks and agree that they are helpful. (Specifically I used the Shy No Longer books). They help you address exactly the sorts of situation you describe: "When I get there, everyone's sitting around in a cliquey setting, not really inclusive to me. I feel a bit awkward and try to make conversation. It doesn't really go the way I want. I find even my closest friends aren't talking to me, are engaged with others."
posted by Pink Frost at 4:24 PM on November 23, 2015
One word: Provigil.
posted by aristotlefangirl at 7:16 PM on November 23, 2015
posted by aristotlefangirl at 7:16 PM on November 23, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think some of it is to just "do you," as they say -- you may find that your friends are okay with you-as-you, if you're afraid they're not. Besides, it's kind of miserable trying to push yourself to be this person you think you should be rather than accepting who you are. I mean, there's always room for self-improvement, but self-improvement doesn't mean "I need to be upset with myself because I'm not perfect right now."
One of my friends in highschool articulated what he called the "'nobody cares' principle" -- people are probably too busy worrying how they look to care how you look. If you forgive yourself, and breathe, chances are things'll start working over time. Anybody who's going to judge you harshly for being at the edge of the conversation rather than in the middle isn't someone you need in your life, anyway.
I feel like I've left this answer in one of your previous questions, but, to say it again: seek therapy! I've been in some rough spots in my life where having someone who is paid to be an unbiased professional observer helping me figure out what's going on in my head has been really helpful! Therapy doesn't have to be a long-term ongoing situation, and if you have health insurance, some significant part of the cost is probably covered!
Also, this is not the kind of thing that internet people can necessarily give great advice on. Too much of it depends on situational stuff that someone like a therapist could tease out by talking with you. We don't have the opportunity to do that back-and-forth, and most of us here don't have the training or insight that being a licensed, trained, experience therapist brings to the table.
posted by Alterscape at 4:12 PM on November 22, 2015 [2 favorites]