Wrong name on mother's death certificate?

April 4, 2017 6:53 AM

My mother died last week, and I have noticed a little detail that I am not sure I should bring up. Her first and middle name on the death certificate are both not what was on her birth certificate. Should I bring this up to other family members?

Let's say my mother's name was Bobbie Josephine. It wasn't, but this is close and gives you a similar sounding name that will demonstrate. She was born in Missouri in 1929 and the name on her birth certificate was spelled as "Bobye Joe". During her life she used the more common spelling of Bobbie, and also told people her middle name was Josephine, even though the birth certificate just said Joe. People called her Bobbie Joe all her life.

But somehow in the funeral arrangements, her name on the death certificate says Bobbie Josephine. I guess I have two questions, really. First, is this going to be a legal problem or cause confusion for anyone in the future? Secondly, should I mention this to my siblings, who made the actual funeral arrangements? Or should I let it go? It was the name she went by, after all for 87 years. Or is it some sort of disrespect to whitewash her Appalachian name into something more standard, something less poor and rural?

And if I do bring this up to my five brothers and sisters, when do we tell our father? He was married to her for 68 years, and I feel like I shouldn't bring up something so minor, perhaps even trivial, while he is still grieving so deeply. And I do realize this little niggling focus on names is part of my own processing of her death.

Anyway, I would appreciate some advice and opinions on these two questions, and am grateful for any other view points.

posted by seasparrow to Human Relations (13 answers total)

I am sorry for your loss. Grief makes people hold on to all sorts of odd little aspects of the death process, as you have noted. You should absolutely let this go--the death certificate uses the name your mother used--and maybe make it up in some sort of personal way that gives you some closure. My father had his born-with name and his commonly-used name and the death certificate had his commonly used name and this worked out fine for us.
posted by jessamyn at 6:56 AM on April 4, 2017

My mother's death certificate had an incorrect date for her birthday. It was one day off. I tried and tried to get it fixed, but eventually gave up because the requirements were ridiculous, including getting a statement from the doctor who signed the certificate, who we didn't know, years after her death (this was in Illinois, if that matters). I would suggest letting this go.
posted by FencingGal at 7:15 AM on April 4, 2017 [2 favorites]

What was on her social security card? Name spelling was really fluid in the past and that changed a bit when people became more literate, Social security numbers, and computers. Even last names had different spellings on records in the old days - even the simplest of names. Many people in those days never even wrote their name and didn't know how to spell it. A clerk would just interpret it and write it down as they saw fit.

After she was born in the 1930's she (in this case probably her parent) would apply for a social security card (they didn't come out until about 1936).

The form would require her name and parents, etc. I would say her name on that form at that point would be the most likely spelling and version intended by her parents.

I would check her social security card spelling and have it corrected if you'd like.

Sorry for your loss.
posted by ReluctantViking at 7:52 AM on April 4, 2017 [4 favorites]

I can't help with the issue of whether this will affect anything now, but I do a lot of genealogy research and look at a lot of death certificates and they are very frequently wrong in some way.
posted by interplanetjanet at 8:25 AM on April 4, 2017 [3 favorites]

Does she have an estate? If so, who is the executor? Who dealt with the hospital or funeral home, in terms of getting the certificate issued? And, as ReluctantViking mentioned, it's important to determine what is on her social security card.

If she had no estate and if your father won't be receiving any social security benefits after her passing, then it may be a minor clerical issue that doesn't need to be resolved. However, if there is any concern about the disposition or transfer of property, or ss benefits, then it might be important to have this error corrected now, as opposed to trying to correct it later. It may also depend on how her name is spelled on other legal documents, such as a mortgage.

I don't think there's anything disrespectful at all in trying to keep the paperwork straight with an eye towards making legal things easier later. But it's something that needs to be addressed by the executor, or whoever is handling the legal end of things.

I am sorry for your loss.
posted by vignettist at 8:30 AM on April 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

It's very minor, if it's anything at all. Short answer, as vignettist said, is to leave it to the executor, whose job is to clear up any confusion in a businesslike way.
posted by JimN2TAW at 8:49 AM on April 4, 2017

This is pretty common, even in the modern world, and typically, if it was not a problem for the person in life, it won't be in probate. If you have all or most of her documents in order (birth certificates, wedding certificate, social security card. medical records, bank records, school records, whatever) which show a common use of her name, you're not likely to run into problems. People present themselves with variations of their name on "official" documents pretty regularly without incident. I'm sorry for your loss and I think it's both okay for you to mention it and okay not to, with the mentioned caveat that it might be necessary to build a paper trail for probate.

Since you've noted that clinging to this detail is part of your own grieving process, I would ask, how do you think it will affect your father and siblings to bring it up? I know that I would mention it because this sort of thing sits squarely in the quirks and foibles and character of my family (both sides) and it would be a comfortable way of talking at the outsides of our loss. But you know better whether it would irritate your siblings to see you fixated on something "trivial" or whether it would stir feelings of regret and not knowing your mother better or whatever.
posted by crush at 8:53 AM on April 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

IANYL, TINLA for you.

In my experience, while it's possible someone could make an issue of a non-matching name, it's an easily-resolvable problem if it does. The estates process here (and I don't know about your jurisdiction) allows for aliases to be inserted into the forms, say "Jonathan Smith, also known as Jon Smith". If someone down the line does make a stink about a slight difference in names, it likely can be corrected through that estates process, or with the executor swearing a simple affidavit saying "Jonathan Smith was also known as Jon Smith".

Your jurisdiction's laws may differ on this, and I am not qualified to speak about what those laws are.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:14 AM on April 4, 2017 [3 favorites]

I would mention it to your father only in the context of consulting him to get it right for her obituary, if that hasn't yet been written and published. I think a question based on him knowing her best would be unlikely to hurt him more, and it's a normal thing to ask -- whether he'd prefer them to use the name she went by formally or the name on her birth certificate. If you're really bothered by an error that seems to reflect inattention to her life, this is a way to get it right for the record without challenging what's already been done.

I do not think you will have any legal problems as long as the social security number and her birth date are the same in all places. My mother's last name was written variously as one word and as two words, and her first name was spelled wrong by her employer's pension plan, and it didn't add to the trouble of settling everything.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:15 AM on April 4, 2017

Aside from the legal aspects, i think it is respectful to use the name that your mother chose to present as her legal name during her lifetime rather than insisting on the form of the name that her parents (or some clerk) chose to put in her birth certificate.

It would be different if the family had wanted to "whitewash" it to a more acceptable spelling after her death but this was what she chose for herself in life.
posted by metahawk at 9:41 AM on April 4, 2017 [5 favorites]

My grandmother was born (something similar to) Jessie Parker in 1928 and was informally adopted into a family that changed her name to Faere NewLastName. She didn't even know her birth name was different until she was 70 years old and applied for a passport for the first time. Yet her marriage certificate (from the mid-'50s) has her adopted name on it, and her death certificate has her adopted name on it. There was no doubt to us that Jessie Parker had never really existed, and any reference to that name would have confused things.

If Bobbie Josephine is how she wanted to be known in life, it shouldn't hurt to be Bobbie Josephine in death, either. And it makes a delightful family story to remember her by.

My condolences.
posted by tracicle at 9:43 AM on April 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm going to second what crush, Capt. Renault, and metahawk said.

My mother used some variations of her name through her life. Her birth certificate name was Bertha Amelia Inge Maria LastName but her death certificate listed her name as Inga Maria, which was the name she commonly used for many many years (yes, she had 4 first names but the convention was to call you by the 2 closest to your last name, hence the Inga Maria, they don't call you by the first 2 names in the string, and she changed the spelling of Inge to Inga at one point though she never did a legal name change). It was not a problem for the executor (who was her husband, my father). In our experience anyway, as long as your mother's birth date and her social security number are accurate in the records/death certificate, fingers crossed there should be no problems.

As for telling siblings, I would wait on that till the grief is less fresh, and then *maybe* mention it sometime in an offhand way. For example, it is discussed with love in my family that my grandmother was named Nellie, always disliked it intensely, and went by Nelle (pronounced Nell, or you were firmly corrected!). My other grandmother also hated her name, Emmi, and her good friends called her Lotte (i.e. a shortening of Carlotta, which she felt was "tonier" than Emmi). People and their relationship to their names are complicated (check out the number of Asks related to names/naming to see that demonstrated regularly on metafilter), so I don't see an issue with using the name she herself chose to use.

I think it is also possible that your father already knows this name thing, so I would not discuss it with him. Spouses often know lots of stuff about each other that they never talk about with their kids.
posted by gudrun at 9:45 AM on April 4, 2017 [2 favorites]

I am very sorry for your loss. I am also sorry that you have to deal with ridiculous administrative errors at this time. I write from exactly the same experience so I hope this is of some help.

But somehow in the funeral arrangements, her name on the death certificate says Bobbie Josephine.

Which family member got the death certificate made? This person needs to get the error fixed.

I guess I have two questions, really. First, is this going to be a legal problem or cause confusion for anyone in the future?

There is a long list of legal/official/administrative work that requires proof of death if the name of the deceased is on other legal/official documents, especially those with multiple family members. Anywhere you need to "prove" that the person died, you will need to present the death certificate where the name MUST match the name that the person used in other legal documents (national ID/SSN/Passport etc). This is non-negotiable. The longer you wait to correct the error, please expect a more painful grind running around getting it fixed.

Secondly, should I mention this to my siblings, who made the actual funeral arrangements? Or should I let it go? It was the name she went by, after all for 87 years. Or is it some sort of disrespect to whitewash her Appalachian name into something more standard, something less poor and rural?

I would identify the sibling/individual who got the certificate made. They need to get this done. If they don't, bring it up to your parent yourself and ask them if the parent is going to get this done or if you may pick up the task. If they are not in a state to comprehend why this is important, why not take it up yourself anyway?

This isn't something you "let go" or something that has anything to do with "disrespect". Any family member who makes it sound like this is, in my opinion, not practical at best and someone to be wary of in the future at worst.

And if I do bring this up to my five brothers and sisters, when do we tell our father? He was married to her for 68 years, and I feel like I shouldn't bring up something so minor, perhaps even trivial, while he is still grieving so deeply. And I do realize this little niggling focus on names is part of my own processing of her death.

Getting the correct name and spelling on a death certificate is neither trivial nor minor. I cannot emphasise this enough. My parent, right after the death, was aware enough to get this done despite the red tape which was nothing but cruel (I/siblings were not in the country when this happened else I would have taken this up myself. Getting siblings involved is well and good but some just aren't practical and practical things need to be taken care of, for your parent's sake). Please do not be under the impression that spousal grief will end x days after the event. No one can predict how that will go, unless you already see the effect on your parents health for instance. The sooner you take care of time-sensitive matters, the better.

Please also note that you will have "foggy" brain for at least a few months after the death of a family member. You may not be processing things/looking at things like your usual self. Sure, this focus on names could be your way of processing the death of your mother. My experience and intuition, however, says that this is a commendable ability to see the practical in the midst of terrible grief. Not all family members will be this aware so please cut yourself some slack here, and in the future.

Whether you bring this up with siblings depends on who took care of it initially, your birth order, power and personality dynamics. I get a sense that some of those things may not be in your favor? I think more info is needed to brainstorm on when and how to bring this up.

Please feel free to mail. I hope some of this helps. Best.
posted by xm at 10:00 PM on April 6, 2017