Should I quit tindr?

March 23, 2017 5:20 PM

After several years as a devoted okcupid user, I branched out to also try tindr and bumble. I've spent a fair amount of time on both apps for several weeks but have only met one person from the new apps - from tindr - it didn't work out.

Often I get mutual likes with men but then they don't respond when I initiate conversation. I understand that some people just swipe right on everyone and see who writes back. No big deal.

Then there are the men who chat briefly and then want to move the conversation to kik. This feels really weird to me and I always just unmatch them. A couple of times I've asked why they want to go to kik and I've never gotten an answer that seemed legit.

Then there are conversations that just kind of peter out for no apparent reason.

I'm already kind of frustrated with the app - there are lots of people in my area who are republicans, are married, or who can't spell, so I feel very cautious and defensive and I'm sure that's not helping my success rate.

I'm ready to dump the site but I understand it's a different medium and maybe I need a different approach. What does a successful tindr exchange look like (assuming a hookup is not necessarily the desired result)?

posted by bunderful to Human Relations (10 answers total)

I met my partner of almost three years on Tinder. His profile appealed to me because he took the time to talk about his interests in a paragraph in his profile, and specifically said he was looking for someone to date (as opposed to just a hookup). He was very sweet and engaging in conversation, which was another huge plus.

So, if I had to distill this into advice, it would be to seek out people who take some time to describe themselves and their interests.
posted by delight at 5:28 PM on March 23, 2017 [2 favorites]

I think part of the frustration with Tinder is that you really just see everyone in your area, even people who at the slightest glance you can tell are not remotely of interest. OKC lets you screen pretty efficiently so that you're really only seeing people who you are likely to be interested in.

I think your instincts are good. Avoid the attempts to peel you off the app to other channels where they're almost certainly going to ask you for nude photos. Drop people who aren't interesting to you or who don't seem really engaged in the conversation.

In the end, it's just another way to cross paths with a person who you might hit it off with. The vast majority of people you won't hit it off with. It's not a failing on anyone's part, it's just the way the app works.
posted by Sublimity at 6:14 PM on March 23, 2017 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: I forgot to add one thing - often when I get a response from someone I find interesting he'll kill the whole thing by starting off with something like "hey sexy/cutie/babe/pretty girl."

Ugh. It's hard to explain exactly how much this pisses me off. I once tried explaining that I'd really rather hear that sort of thing after knowing someone for a while, and to his credit the guy did start over, but usually I just unmatch immediately when I get a message like that.
posted by bunderful at 6:40 PM on March 23, 2017 [2 favorites]

Met my serious boyfriend of 7 months on tinder. Both of us had lines that said something like "no hookups."

I don't think it's weird to move convos from tindr to texts after a day or so- though I'm not cool enough to use kik or how that might compare. That being said, my roommate met her boyfriend of just over a year on a dating app and both of them were SHOCKED at how quickly if talk with people, move to text, and then go on a date. That's just to illustrate that even amount dating app users there's a lot of different norms about how quickly to move the convo to another platform or meet in person or how long to talk before you meet for a date.
posted by raccoon409 at 7:06 PM on March 23, 2017

IME Tindr exchanges are quicker - moving to another texting platform isn't unusual, but kik requests specifically tend to go along with a pretty prompt request for nudes/sexting (IME - I'm a straight woman).

You honestly sound kind of burned out with the online dating deal - maybe give yourself a time out? Each platform has its pros and cons, but the interactions can be stressful and little down time to recharge may give you a better perspective.
posted by pantarei70 at 7:42 PM on March 23, 2017 [2 favorites]

I'd be willing to bet that the move-to-kik maneuver is to hide texting activities from a partner.

Sample size of one :-(
posted by Caxton1476 at 8:13 PM on March 23, 2017

I met my boyfriend on tindr, many of my friends met their SO and fiancées on there as well (but we're mid twenties, so I don't know if that factors in.)

I tend to be selective in my swipes, which may have barred me from some potential matches but I think saved me from meeting too many "hey sexy" messages. Usually swiped left on anyone who had shirtless pictures, zero info in their bio, all selfies, really corny pictures. If they had interesting photos, a funny bio, or interests there, or had a lot of friend connections, I swiped right. I typically message first, but if they did and DID lead with "hey sexy" or something of the like, I tended to ignore.

My boyfriend opened with a line related to my college football team and I was not that interested, but we exchanged a couple messages about a mutual connection, then he asked me out to dinner. (Boy I'm glad I went because I would've missed out on a great guy after thinking our messages were MEH.) I think asking out the person sooner rather than later works better on tindr.

Also don't think it's weird to move to text early on! I would be wary of weird dudes but most of the time, I prefer exchanging numbers with the excuse that I don't get tindr notifications and would rather text. This is after me asking them out to a date though. Good luck! If you feel burned out, take a break. Dating apps can get frustrating.
posted by buttonedup at 4:39 AM on March 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

I save some time by saying in my profile, "In your message, let me know (question)." If they don't answer the question when they write to me, I know they either didn't bother reading my profile​ or they have a reading comprehension problem, so I unmatch. And if they answer my question in a way I don't like, I unmatch. This leaves me with far fewer people to weed through.
posted by metasarah at 5:11 AM on March 24, 2017 [3 favorites]

If a guy is right away sleezy (a non-ironic "hey baby" etc.), that's a deal-breaker, if they try to move you onto a different platform before you've established a beginner level of comfort and interest (for me that's having some back and forth about who you are, what you do, what your interests are, seeing if you like talking to them), that's also a sign they just want to hook up. Basically if they show zero interest in you beyond you being a woman they find attractive that's a no-go. Remember with these interactions that there is nothing you can do to make the guy want more than that, even if they sound cool, if they're treating you like an object they are not actually cool/your interests in at that time are not aligned and they're doing you a favor by being obvious about it.

For me a successful pattern is you match with someone, either of you sends an opener that is friendly and shows some level of interest in you as a person ("I see you like X, have you tried this restaurant/do you like this band?/how about this gorgeous weather", etc.), then there's some back and forth over a few days, then usually the guy will offer his number (I'm in my 30's so not sure what the youngins are doing, never heard of kik haha but I've had guys ask to switch to whatsapp which is fine with me as it avoids them having my phone number), and then the guy figures out your schedule/interests and suggests coffee or a full-out dinner date.

I have pretty good luck meeting guys from apps and I put my absolute best photos up, put a couple of things that make it easy for an interested person to comment on, but it's just a thing that most people on these apps aren't serious, so they will match with you but not actually want to talk or meet up, don't take it personally. Take a break/delete and try again in a month or two if you're not enjoying it right now. And I've found I'm lucky to meet one or two solid guys that I want to go out with out of a hundred or two hundred swipes (not matches). My match list will have maybe 20 guys and most conversations peter out or don't happen and I'm having legit conversations with 2-4 guys and just seeing which ones seem to progress naturally, it's a numbers game for sure.
posted by lafemma at 7:14 AM on March 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

I realize the tinder experience can be very different for women, but, every time a match asks me to add them on kik, I assume it's a bot. See this article: Tinder Bots Have Evolved to Mimic the Girl Next Door. While the article talks about fake profiles pretending to be women, I'd imagine there are fake profiles pretending to be men as well.
posted by timelord at 1:21 PM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]