Sibling spacing
March 6, 2017 3:17 PM
How many years apart are your children, and what are the advantages and disadvantages of that spacing?
I'm sure that every family is different, but I'm interested in hearing about what's easy, what's hard, what's good, and what's bad about the age difference between your kids.
I'm sure that every family is different, but I'm interested in hearing about what's easy, what's hard, what's good, and what's bad about the age difference between your kids.
My two siblings and I are each five years apart. The crux of that, for me, is that I feel there's about two or three little mini-eras of maturity in each five-year timespan – and now that we're a bit older, I don't find it so hard to relate to the way that their lives are going – but previously, it was much more difficult to feel any sense of convergence or proximity in terms of my behavior & theirs.
posted by a good beginning at 3:31 PM on March 6, 2017
posted by a good beginning at 3:31 PM on March 6, 2017
Not a parent perspective, but a sibling perspective. My sister is nine years older than me. She was basically a built in babysitter. We never fought for attention because she was old enough to understand the attention that I needed. We weren't close enough in age to compete in any way (friends, boyfriends, grades, etc). We are incredibly different people in almost every way, but I think our large age difference allowed us to lead totally separate lives and have made us closer because of it. We've literally never fought about anything other than maybe what to watch on tv when she was like 16 and I was 7 but she always won because I would rather be out playing at that age.
posted by greta simone at 3:32 PM on March 6, 2017
posted by greta simone at 3:32 PM on March 6, 2017
My kids are 3 years apart (minus 3 weeks) and it's fantastic. They can play together well, but I wasn't nursing two kids at the same time. (And because they're both girls and both summer kids, the hand-me-downs work out perfectly.)
My sister and I were 5 years apart and were not close--we were too far apart to really play together (and I wasn't really enough older to be a good babysitter). We get along fine now, but she's 36 and I'm 41.
posted by leahwrenn at 3:45 PM on March 6, 2017
My sister and I were 5 years apart and were not close--we were too far apart to really play together (and I wasn't really enough older to be a good babysitter). We get along fine now, but she's 36 and I'm 41.
posted by leahwrenn at 3:45 PM on March 6, 2017
Mine is an only but judging from his preschool peers and the rate at which they are currently getting siblings, 3-4 years seems incredibly common.
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:01 PM on March 6, 2017
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:01 PM on March 6, 2017
My two kids are two years apart. The advantage is that we got all the sleeplessness/diapers stuff out of the way the fastest we could, they are close enough in age that they can share toys and interests, and they are friends. This means there is fighting, and there will continue to be fighting, only over different things as they age. For us, the closeness in age translates to a closeness in their relationship, and also allows us (parents) to move on from each stage babyhood, toddlerhood etc and not have to repeat those stages later on.
posted by Joh at 4:10 PM on March 6, 2017
posted by Joh at 4:10 PM on March 6, 2017
Middle of three all two years apart. Grew up in a new subdivision we moved into when I was three. Our entire neighbourhood was families with kids our age. Two years is enough of gap that you can play together as kids but your social circles don't overlap too awkwardly much in high school. Hand-me-downs are not too outdated by the time they make it to the youngest. I didn't get my own bedroom until I was 15.
On the other hand my mom was always exhausted, we were too much and were largely unsupervised for the entirety of our childhoods and were told "If you want to fight go outside". Also square cakes caused fights because in a family of 5 the 4 corners (with the most icing!) cannot be equitably shared. My mom ended up buying round cake pans.
This all took place in the seventies so relevance to today is ... not so much.
posted by srboisvert at 4:15 PM on March 6, 2017
On the other hand my mom was always exhausted, we were too much and were largely unsupervised for the entirety of our childhoods and were told "If you want to fight go outside". Also square cakes caused fights because in a family of 5 the 4 corners (with the most icing!) cannot be equitably shared. My mom ended up buying round cake pans.
This all took place in the seventies so relevance to today is ... not so much.
posted by srboisvert at 4:15 PM on March 6, 2017
Two years and then five. I'm the oldest and it bummed me out at first because I wanted to be an only child. Then because the younger two teamed up against me. Fifteen years later they're my best friends.
posted by Marinara at 4:24 PM on March 6, 2017
posted by Marinara at 4:24 PM on March 6, 2017
3.5 year age difference in my kids and I wouldn't change a thing. They play beautifully together but don't compete; they share some friends but not all of them; and I didn't have to deal with two in diapers. In fact the elder was able to help (fetching things etc) when younger was an infant.
Two things though: you may not get the spacing you want -- I didn't -- what with one thing and another, the second came a year later than I'd initially planned. And, from what I can tell, the results you get are much more about the kids' natures (primarily) and how you raise them (secondarily) than the spacing. We all know folks who love, or hate, their siblings at every point of the spacing range. So enjoy mulling it over but don't attach too much importance to it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:47 PM on March 6, 2017
Two things though: you may not get the spacing you want -- I didn't -- what with one thing and another, the second came a year later than I'd initially planned. And, from what I can tell, the results you get are much more about the kids' natures (primarily) and how you raise them (secondarily) than the spacing. We all know folks who love, or hate, their siblings at every point of the spacing range. So enjoy mulling it over but don't attach too much importance to it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:47 PM on March 6, 2017
I was one of 4 kids. The 3 oldest of us were spaced 1 1/2 years apart. I feel like that worked well from the kids' standpoint. We were close enough in age that we could play well together. We were all pretty good friends as kids and we still are now. It seems like it must have been difficult to have a 3 year old, a 1 1/2 year old and a newborn at the same time, but my mom seemed to take it in stride and never talked later about it being hell. The fourth one came 4 1/2 years after the third and that made him too young to do stuff with the rest of us on a very equal basis. I don't think it was great for him.
My two kids are 3 years apart. That seems to be working out fine. They're close enough in age that they can enjoy doing a lot of stuff together. By the time the second one was born the first one was old enough that she could walk places under her own power and didn't need quite as much help and supervision as a 2 year old. There was a somewhat difficult period starting when the second one was about 1 1/2. He was old enough to mess up what his sister was playing with but not old enough to play really well with her and she was young enough that she would get really upset and angry when he messed something up. That didn't last too long, though.
My sister's two kids were 2 years apart and I think she feels like that worked out well also.
posted by Redstart at 4:57 PM on March 6, 2017
My two kids are 3 years apart. That seems to be working out fine. They're close enough in age that they can enjoy doing a lot of stuff together. By the time the second one was born the first one was old enough that she could walk places under her own power and didn't need quite as much help and supervision as a 2 year old. There was a somewhat difficult period starting when the second one was about 1 1/2. He was old enough to mess up what his sister was playing with but not old enough to play really well with her and she was young enough that she would get really upset and angry when he messed something up. That didn't last too long, though.
My sister's two kids were 2 years apart and I think she feels like that worked out well also.
posted by Redstart at 4:57 PM on March 6, 2017
I had a girl, 4 years later a boy, and 3.5 years later a girl. The boy and younger girl are as thick as thieves. The older (now teen) girl is now mostly parentifed.
I think the two younger are so close because my boy is socially "younger" than his chronological age, and the girl is almost at his level of social skills.
posted by saucysault at 4:58 PM on March 6, 2017
I think the two younger are so close because my boy is socially "younger" than his chronological age, and the girl is almost at his level of social skills.
posted by saucysault at 4:58 PM on March 6, 2017
My brother and I are 3.5 years apart (I'm older). When we were very young, like preschool to early elementary we played together a lot and had several neighborhood friends who were in our age range. I definitely remember fetching diapers and toys, dressing him up in my old clothes/putting barrettes in his hair, and getting mildly annoyed when he wanted to play with us "big kids."
As we got older we developed differing interests and friend groups, but in recent years -- we're on either side of 30 -- we've developed a great relationship. I recently went to visit him solo, without our parents, and we had a fantastic time. So like most relationships it's changed over the years, but it's solid.
posted by basalganglia at 5:00 PM on March 6, 2017
As we got older we developed differing interests and friend groups, but in recent years -- we're on either side of 30 -- we've developed a great relationship. I recently went to visit him solo, without our parents, and we had a fantastic time. So like most relationships it's changed over the years, but it's solid.
posted by basalganglia at 5:00 PM on March 6, 2017
My kids are just shy of 3 years apart. We could not have had them any closer together because the thought of having another one was only even remotely appealing after my first child turned two and was a tiny bit more reasonable and articulate. And of course then it takes 9 more months. It's a good age difference, as far as we're concerned. It's a very common age range, so we know a lot of families with kids who are roughly the same ages, which facilitates dual play dates. There is some sibling rivalry and quarrelling over toys, but Older Kid is mature enough to be the helpful older sibling sometimes, and Younger Kid looks up to and adores his big brother. On the other hand, sometimes "helpful older sibling" morphs into "bossy."
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 5:07 PM on March 6, 2017
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 5:07 PM on March 6, 2017
My girls are three years and one month apart, and it works for us. I would have had them closer together, but miscarried in between them.
My good friend had her kids 18 months apart, and it was like they were the same age and things moved together pretty smoothly- both in school together just a year apart etc. Older girl, younger boy. But those two fight like dogs- still as teens!
My siblings and I were born in 3 years- my sister, me two years later, and my brother ten months after me. We are all basically the same age, ran in the same social circles, and always had someone to play with. We are still pretty close. I think having kids so close in age, and then getting divorced made my mom insane. She still hasn't totally recovered.
posted by momochan at 5:09 PM on March 6, 2017
My good friend had her kids 18 months apart, and it was like they were the same age and things moved together pretty smoothly- both in school together just a year apart etc. Older girl, younger boy. But those two fight like dogs- still as teens!
My siblings and I were born in 3 years- my sister, me two years later, and my brother ten months after me. We are all basically the same age, ran in the same social circles, and always had someone to play with. We are still pretty close. I think having kids so close in age, and then getting divorced made my mom insane. She still hasn't totally recovered.
posted by momochan at 5:09 PM on March 6, 2017
My kids (2 and 4) are 27 months apart, the exact same age distance between me and my younger sister.
Advantages: get through the feeding/diapering/baby stages fairly quickly. I don't need have to carry a diaper bag anymore and will never have to do the newborn thing again! I didn't have to stay out of work as long (I stayed home for three years and was able to re-enter the workforce easily). they play together pretty well and can share a room with the same bedtime. Like cats, two very Littles is not double the work. The younger can learn a lot from the other in terms of motor skills and potty training, etc. From my memory, having my sister close behind me in age was great. But..
Disadvantages: oh, God the fighting already and from what I remember this will last until at least college. My oldest is very tiny so my kids are actually about the same size so they are evenly matched which means it just doesn't stop (at least no one can get bullied?).
I wouldn't do it differently - for me, when my oldest was 18 months I was desperate to get pregnant again and if I hadn't we probably would have been one and done. The age difference is probably the best option for our family, but then I'd probably think that no matter what we wound up with.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 5:32 PM on March 6, 2017
Advantages: get through the feeding/diapering/baby stages fairly quickly. I don't need have to carry a diaper bag anymore and will never have to do the newborn thing again! I didn't have to stay out of work as long (I stayed home for three years and was able to re-enter the workforce easily). they play together pretty well and can share a room with the same bedtime. Like cats, two very Littles is not double the work. The younger can learn a lot from the other in terms of motor skills and potty training, etc. From my memory, having my sister close behind me in age was great. But..
Disadvantages: oh, God the fighting already and from what I remember this will last until at least college. My oldest is very tiny so my kids are actually about the same size so they are evenly matched which means it just doesn't stop (at least no one can get bullied?).
I wouldn't do it differently - for me, when my oldest was 18 months I was desperate to get pregnant again and if I hadn't we probably would have been one and done. The age difference is probably the best option for our family, but then I'd probably think that no matter what we wound up with.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 5:32 PM on March 6, 2017
I have a lot of siblings with an insane total age range, but my little sister and I are three years apart, as are my husband and his brother, who are also very close. We played and fought in more-or-less equal measure as kids, although we usually resolved our own disputes. We also had loads of neighbors around our ages, so we played together in that larger group of kids and had many of the same friends in grade school, which I remember being pretty awesome (and had to have been convenient for my mom). The toughest period was when she was still a "kid" -- 8 or 9 -- and I was 11 or 12 and starting to grow out of the games we'd always played together (we built an entire city in our basement and it had this whole elaborate mythology, so it wasn't necessarily something she could drag some other neighbor kid into...)
We are now 30 and 27, and she is still my favorite favorite.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 5:35 PM on March 6, 2017
We are now 30 and 27, and she is still my favorite favorite.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 5:35 PM on March 6, 2017
My brother and I are almost exactly 4 years apart and are super, super close (and basically always have been, even when he was the popular senior and I was the nerdy freshman). Our younger (step)sister is 4 years younger than me, and we fought like cats and dogs and only began to be close as adults. We also have a younger half brother (just my brother and I) who is 10 years and 6 years younger than us, and we're super close to him also. And we have another (step)brother who is only 18 months older than me, and none of us are close to him at all. My own sibling relationships taught me that so much is about personalities and not about spacing!
My kids are 3.25 years apart and it's good spacing, but I would have had them closer but for a series of miscarriages. I like it now because my older child was fully potty trained when the younger one arrived; you could talk to her and reason with her about stuff. It's bad because she's very verbally advanced and so tends to talk to her brother like she's the parent, which is very frustrating for me (and for him - he gets really mad when she tries to boss him around). Also bad because the process of getting through the diaper phase takes a lot longer.
posted by devinemissk at 6:05 PM on March 6, 2017
My kids are 3.25 years apart and it's good spacing, but I would have had them closer but for a series of miscarriages. I like it now because my older child was fully potty trained when the younger one arrived; you could talk to her and reason with her about stuff. It's bad because she's very verbally advanced and so tends to talk to her brother like she's the parent, which is very frustrating for me (and for him - he gets really mad when she tries to boss him around). Also bad because the process of getting through the diaper phase takes a lot longer.
posted by devinemissk at 6:05 PM on March 6, 2017
2 kids, 5 years apart. I badly wanted them closer in age (the classic 3 years apart was the goal), assuming they wouldn't be playmates, but it wasn't up to me. Turned out great.
Pros: I was able to let them play out of my sight because the eight-year-old has better impulse control than a younger kid and was generally not going to bite or pummel the toddler. Also, each child got a huge amount of attention, since for each one, I wasn't juggling a baby when they were a baby. And they played together fantastically for large sections of their childhoods, even with the age gap.
Cons: Lots of times where they were in very different phases - not always attending the same grade school at the same time, not able to watch the same movies together or do the same level of activities or interests, which meant some extra juggling. When the older one went away to college, it left the younger one an only child for years, which was lonely.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 6:27 PM on March 6, 2017
Pros: I was able to let them play out of my sight because the eight-year-old has better impulse control than a younger kid and was generally not going to bite or pummel the toddler. Also, each child got a huge amount of attention, since for each one, I wasn't juggling a baby when they were a baby. And they played together fantastically for large sections of their childhoods, even with the age gap.
Cons: Lots of times where they were in very different phases - not always attending the same grade school at the same time, not able to watch the same movies together or do the same level of activities or interests, which meant some extra juggling. When the older one went away to college, it left the younger one an only child for years, which was lonely.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 6:27 PM on March 6, 2017
My two children are 3.75 years apart. The youngest is only a year old, so my experiences are limited to the past year, however I think it has been an excellent age gap for introduction of a small sibling. My son has a (sort of) mature understanding of the baby's needs. He doesn't appear to have experienced any jealousy, which I put down to the fact that his needs from his parents are quite different from a small baby's needs, so they don't tend to clash. Now that she's older they are beginning to "play" together more, and he finds her very amusing. Also I don't have two in nappies, or daytime napping, or waking up in the night. I don't know how I would have coped with two kids experiencing night waking at the same time.
I do wonder if when they are tweens/teenagers that this age gap is going to be a bit far apart for a very close relationship, but I don't think close sibling relationships can really be manufactured through age difference - it either happens or it doesn't.
posted by fever-trees at 6:39 PM on March 6, 2017
I do wonder if when they are tweens/teenagers that this age gap is going to be a bit far apart for a very close relationship, but I don't think close sibling relationships can really be manufactured through age difference - it either happens or it doesn't.
posted by fever-trees at 6:39 PM on March 6, 2017
I come from a family sort of like Redstart's and srboisvert's - 4 kids, oldest three are 2 years apart, then a gap of four years until the fourth. We older kids fought and played together and we're very close as adults, but my littlest brother basically grew up in a different family and still gets left out of stuff (some of this is by choice), though we all get along really well. I do think having four kids under the age of 8 did a real number on my mom, and we were left to our own devices and shooed outside a lot, for better or for worse (and definitely some of it was worse). I think we all felt neglected or alternately overly-responsible from time to time. This was in the 80s/90s.
posted by sideofwry at 6:42 PM on March 6, 2017
posted by sideofwry at 6:42 PM on March 6, 2017
One of my sisters and I are 10 months apart; my other sister and I are 10 years apart. My same-age sister and I had the normal fighting and jealousy, but were close. My younger sister and I had a very close but parental relationship, and the only downside was that for me, leaving for college was a wrenching; my heart still constricts when I think about that.
My mother is very upfront about the fact she would not have had my youngest sister had she not had the luxury of full-time, in-home paid help. She worked full time my whole life and was 40 when the youngest was born.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:54 PM on March 6, 2017
My mother is very upfront about the fact she would not have had my youngest sister had she not had the luxury of full-time, in-home paid help. She worked full time my whole life and was 40 when the youngest was born.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:54 PM on March 6, 2017
My kids are 2.5 years apart. They are 5 and 2.5 right now. So far it has worked. There was a period where they were both in diapers at the same time but it wasn't too long. The older one is really serious and she does a good job helping out with her younger brother. We had aimed for a 2 year difference so that we could get the kids done with and in school/daycare in a relatively short period so that my wife could get back to work as soon as possible.
I have one sibling, a brother who is 5.5 years older than me. It worked out for us because the age difference meant that he was always much bigger than me so we never fought when we were young, and by the time I got bigger than him we were old enough not to fight with eachother. At the same time we have never been particularly close to eachother either. It also meant that we were never in the same school at the same time so I never had to worry about direct comparisons. It probably helped my parents in that they didn't have to pay for both of our university's at the same time, although I was doing co-ops so was pretty much self-funding after my first year anyway.
My wife is almost exactly 2 years older than her younger brother and it sounds like there was, and is, much more competition between them as a result.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 6:54 PM on March 6, 2017
I have one sibling, a brother who is 5.5 years older than me. It worked out for us because the age difference meant that he was always much bigger than me so we never fought when we were young, and by the time I got bigger than him we were old enough not to fight with eachother. At the same time we have never been particularly close to eachother either. It also meant that we were never in the same school at the same time so I never had to worry about direct comparisons. It probably helped my parents in that they didn't have to pay for both of our university's at the same time, although I was doing co-ops so was pretty much self-funding after my first year anyway.
My wife is almost exactly 2 years older than her younger brother and it sounds like there was, and is, much more competition between them as a result.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 6:54 PM on March 6, 2017
My kids are just over three years apart. It seems like a good gap. It was relatively easy to juggle them when they were little, since the older one was out of diapers when the younger was born. And now, they do have something in common - my sibling and I were six years apart, and never related to each other much.
posted by Chrysostom at 7:29 PM on March 6, 2017
posted by Chrysostom at 7:29 PM on March 6, 2017
Our two boys are 7.5 years apart, as are my brother and I.
Kids with this gap rarely attend the same school building at the same time, unless they're in a town small enough for a k-8 arrangement or similar. That allows each to have their own identity in whatever school they're at, but it also denies them a chance of a specific kind of sibling comradery away from home. (Which plenty of near-age siblings don't develop, I realize.)
That works as a metaphor for how my relationship with my brother developed in general, too.
On a practical level, their mom and I were amazed at how quickly mundane stuff like car seats, etc changed in just a few years. Sometimes whole product lines we liked mutated or disappeared or looked suddenly primitive.
Also note that any relationship will evolve significantly over such a span, including the one between parents. Married, together or whatnot, and regardless of gender, if there are two parents, their relationship will change during that time.
posted by Caxton1476 at 7:44 PM on March 6, 2017
Kids with this gap rarely attend the same school building at the same time, unless they're in a town small enough for a k-8 arrangement or similar. That allows each to have their own identity in whatever school they're at, but it also denies them a chance of a specific kind of sibling comradery away from home. (Which plenty of near-age siblings don't develop, I realize.)
That works as a metaphor for how my relationship with my brother developed in general, too.
On a practical level, their mom and I were amazed at how quickly mundane stuff like car seats, etc changed in just a few years. Sometimes whole product lines we liked mutated or disappeared or looked suddenly primitive.
Also note that any relationship will evolve significantly over such a span, including the one between parents. Married, together or whatnot, and regardless of gender, if there are two parents, their relationship will change during that time.
posted by Caxton1476 at 7:44 PM on March 6, 2017
Also from the point of view of a sibling, my experience is entirely opposite from that of greta simone's.
My sister is 9 years older than I am, and we never got along. I don't remember fighting too often, but we also never did things together unless forced. We are essentially two only-children, and though sometimes she babysat me, I remember having non-sister babysitters more often than not. To this day we only talk at family gatherings, which are rare. Over the years we've grown at least cordial to each other and can have conversations when we're in the same room, but we have nothing in common. She has a family of her own with two kids; I am unmarried, and halfway across the world. She's basically a stranger to me, but one that looks like our mom.
I don't think anyone plans for kids that far apart (in our case, our mother divorced and remarried), but with a generation gap many times it's just too hard to bridge. The friends I have who have good sibling relationships are within a couple years of each other.
posted by lesser weasel at 9:46 PM on March 6, 2017
My sister is 9 years older than I am, and we never got along. I don't remember fighting too often, but we also never did things together unless forced. We are essentially two only-children, and though sometimes she babysat me, I remember having non-sister babysitters more often than not. To this day we only talk at family gatherings, which are rare. Over the years we've grown at least cordial to each other and can have conversations when we're in the same room, but we have nothing in common. She has a family of her own with two kids; I am unmarried, and halfway across the world. She's basically a stranger to me, but one that looks like our mom.
I don't think anyone plans for kids that far apart (in our case, our mother divorced and remarried), but with a generation gap many times it's just too hard to bridge. The friends I have who have good sibling relationships are within a couple years of each other.
posted by lesser weasel at 9:46 PM on March 6, 2017
A common theme developing in this thread seems to be that most people think that whatever the gap is between their own kids is good; I see no reason to buck the trend.
Our three boys were split 21 months / 20 months apart, so 3.5 years between the oldest and youngest and this worked well for us. Partly that relates to the temperament of the particular kids and you can’t predict that — they really are individuals from the moment they are born. They had built in playmates and there has never been too much in the way of sibling rivalry. The only time it was much of an issue was at the point when the middle kid decided he wanted to spend more time playing one-on-one with his younger brother, leaving his older brother feeling left out, whereas before he had always had the full attention of at least one other brother; things soon adjusted though. Now they are adults they are still close and talk to each other as often as you could expect given that they currently live on three different continents.
There are some really nice aspects to the narrow age spans — there is only a relatively brief period when you are negotiating things like incompatible nap schedules, they are going to the same school for much of the time (coordinating schedules, school runs, etc. across three different schools is a hassle). And you can go to museums or other such things as a family without big problems relating to vastly different capacities and attention spans: a two-year-old and an eight-year-old are going to have a harder time both being satisfied by a trip to see the dinosaurs than a five-year-old and an eight-year-old.
Though there are efficiencies from having them close together, there are some downsides: particularly when they are all little they can really run you ragged (our middle son started walking at 10 months and was a real handful as he was so mobile before he reached an age where you could reason with him — he had a sweet nature, but he was unstoppable), but that is really only for a brief period, however it feels subjectively while it’s happening. And of course paying for college comes over a short and intense period (No. 3 graduates this spring, thank goodness)
On the other hand my brother had three girls with a six year gap between each sister, so I have seen that play out as well. They are emotionally close, but the difference in life stages means that they don’t have the same kind of relationship that they would if they were closer in age. For example, my oldest niece was nearing the end of high school by the time her younger sister started school, and now that younger sister is graduating high school her oldest sister already has a kid in school herself. The thought of thirty years between the birth of the first child and the youngest leaving school send shivers down my spine, though in practice it seems to have worked for them.
Close spacing caries the risk of serious rivalry, though the “standard" 3ish years seems, from my casual observation, to have the highest incidence. A big spread eases the rivalry at the expense of risking a lack of a real bond (my wife and her brother, who is also 12 years older, talk about twice a year, usually on their respective birthdays).
As with many aspects of parenting, you should do what makes most sense for you; other people’s experience can only be a rough guide to how you choose to proceed. However much you plan you cannot predict how easy it will be to have children or the personalities of unborn children and you cannot predict the future that you will have to care for them in.
posted by Quinbus Flestrin at 10:34 PM on March 6, 2017
Our three boys were split 21 months / 20 months apart, so 3.5 years between the oldest and youngest and this worked well for us. Partly that relates to the temperament of the particular kids and you can’t predict that — they really are individuals from the moment they are born. They had built in playmates and there has never been too much in the way of sibling rivalry. The only time it was much of an issue was at the point when the middle kid decided he wanted to spend more time playing one-on-one with his younger brother, leaving his older brother feeling left out, whereas before he had always had the full attention of at least one other brother; things soon adjusted though. Now they are adults they are still close and talk to each other as often as you could expect given that they currently live on three different continents.
There are some really nice aspects to the narrow age spans — there is only a relatively brief period when you are negotiating things like incompatible nap schedules, they are going to the same school for much of the time (coordinating schedules, school runs, etc. across three different schools is a hassle). And you can go to museums or other such things as a family without big problems relating to vastly different capacities and attention spans: a two-year-old and an eight-year-old are going to have a harder time both being satisfied by a trip to see the dinosaurs than a five-year-old and an eight-year-old.
Though there are efficiencies from having them close together, there are some downsides: particularly when they are all little they can really run you ragged (our middle son started walking at 10 months and was a real handful as he was so mobile before he reached an age where you could reason with him — he had a sweet nature, but he was unstoppable), but that is really only for a brief period, however it feels subjectively while it’s happening. And of course paying for college comes over a short and intense period (No. 3 graduates this spring, thank goodness)
On the other hand my brother had three girls with a six year gap between each sister, so I have seen that play out as well. They are emotionally close, but the difference in life stages means that they don’t have the same kind of relationship that they would if they were closer in age. For example, my oldest niece was nearing the end of high school by the time her younger sister started school, and now that younger sister is graduating high school her oldest sister already has a kid in school herself. The thought of thirty years between the birth of the first child and the youngest leaving school send shivers down my spine, though in practice it seems to have worked for them.
Close spacing caries the risk of serious rivalry, though the “standard" 3ish years seems, from my casual observation, to have the highest incidence. A big spread eases the rivalry at the expense of risking a lack of a real bond (my wife and her brother, who is also 12 years older, talk about twice a year, usually on their respective birthdays).
As with many aspects of parenting, you should do what makes most sense for you; other people’s experience can only be a rough guide to how you choose to proceed. However much you plan you cannot predict how easy it will be to have children or the personalities of unborn children and you cannot predict the future that you will have to care for them in.
posted by Quinbus Flestrin at 10:34 PM on March 6, 2017
I'm three years older than my brother. Would not recommend. When I was in kindergarten he was toddling. When I was starting middle school and going through puberty he was still in elementary school. When I was starting high school he was still in the last year of elementary school. We were precisely too close in age to have a trustworthy older sister/2nd mom thing happening and too far apart to share interests and activities.
posted by xyzzy at 10:58 PM on March 6, 2017
posted by xyzzy at 10:58 PM on March 6, 2017
Sibling perspective but- my brother and I are 1.5 years apart. He is and always has been one of my best friends, and I love that we grew up so close in age. Our parents have said they liked "getting it over in one go" (we also had a live-in grandparent) with the two of us being at reasonably close developmental stages.
posted by hotcoroner at 12:35 AM on March 7, 2017
posted by hotcoroner at 12:35 AM on March 7, 2017
Our two kids are 15 months apart. The spacing wasn't really planned. It still works fine. Anything can work when you want it to work.
Don't over-estimate the amount of control you have over this. You can plan all you want, but in the end you're going to get what you're given.
Good luck, and I hope you enjoy whatever happens.
posted by rd45 at 12:36 AM on March 7, 2017
Don't over-estimate the amount of control you have over this. You can plan all you want, but in the end you're going to get what you're given.
Good luck, and I hope you enjoy whatever happens.
posted by rd45 at 12:36 AM on March 7, 2017
This is a great summary backed by science and research (papers are referenced!) about the advantages and disadvantages of sibling spacing.
posted by moiraine at 3:16 AM on March 7, 2017
posted by moiraine at 3:16 AM on March 7, 2017
Don't over-estimate the amount of control you have over this
^This.
I'm from a large family, as is my wife. There are perfectly spaced siblings in my family who hate each other. In my wife's family? Thick as thieves.
Also you won't necessarily have kids when you intend to. A lot of people try for a long time and that throws off the "timing". We never had that particular trouble but we did have an unsuccessful pregnancy that changed our "plan"
We now have two wonderful kids who are 4 years apart and are doing great. Will they be live long buds? Who knows. They can tell us in a askme thread 30 years from now.
posted by French Fry at 6:50 AM on March 7, 2017
^This.
I'm from a large family, as is my wife. There are perfectly spaced siblings in my family who hate each other. In my wife's family? Thick as thieves.
Also you won't necessarily have kids when you intend to. A lot of people try for a long time and that throws off the "timing". We never had that particular trouble but we did have an unsuccessful pregnancy that changed our "plan"
We now have two wonderful kids who are 4 years apart and are doing great. Will they be live long buds? Who knows. They can tell us in a askme thread 30 years from now.
posted by French Fry at 6:50 AM on March 7, 2017
Mine are 18.5 months apart- older girl, younger boy. It was nice having diapers done quickly and being able to reuse much of the baby gear. They are 8 and almost 7 now and play really well together one moment and fight like monsters the next. It's maddening. It's too early to tell, but I really hope they stay close! For me, close together was really tough in the beginning but has gotten easier as they get older.
posted by PorcineWithMe at 6:56 AM on March 7, 2017
posted by PorcineWithMe at 6:56 AM on March 7, 2017
I don't know about the kids, but my doctor told me it takes two years for a woman to recover physically and mentally from a pregnancy and birth and I should keep that in mind while family planning.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 8:35 AM on March 7, 2017
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 8:35 AM on March 7, 2017
Mine are four years apart, almost to the day. In a way it was a relatively easy transition for my older kid because I could explain to him while I was still pregnant how my responsibilities and my free time would change once we had a tiny baby in the house. He could be responsible for some things, like getting dressed and toileting and brushing his teeth and getting a drink or a snack if I was otherwise occupied. In short, he was capable of understanding what was happening, and as result didn't push back too much when I wasn't able to pay attention to him in any given moment (as long as he got one-on-one attention at other times).
But in other ways it was tough because in those four years we had become super attached. I was his go-to person, and even now nearly two years later it has been rough for him to adjust to the idea of going to dad for help. He still comes to me first and I tell him to go to dad, but at some point he usually circles back and checks in with me.
I suppose that kind of need for attention is always there, no matter what the age difference. I just sometimes wonder if our kids were closer together if it would have forced me to rely on others for help more, which would have kind of normalized going to others for my older kid.
posted by vignettist at 9:38 AM on March 7, 2017
But in other ways it was tough because in those four years we had become super attached. I was his go-to person, and even now nearly two years later it has been rough for him to adjust to the idea of going to dad for help. He still comes to me first and I tell him to go to dad, but at some point he usually circles back and checks in with me.
I suppose that kind of need for attention is always there, no matter what the age difference. I just sometimes wonder if our kids were closer together if it would have forced me to rely on others for help more, which would have kind of normalized going to others for my older kid.
posted by vignettist at 9:38 AM on March 7, 2017
I'm close with two little boys who are 16 months apart, current ages 3 and 4.5- their mom got pregnant when the eldest was just 9 months old, and for the first 2 years it was nuts- being pregnant with a toddler, having a toddler and an infant, etc. But as soon as the little one developed some sense of logic- which happened a few months ago- their mom says it's been awesome. The little one is hitting his developmental milestones pretty fast because he has a relevant role model to copy. And the kids already really enjoy hanging out together, and keep each other entertained.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:51 PM on March 7, 2017
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:51 PM on March 7, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 3:23 PM on March 6, 2017