Advice for reconnecting with a past/first love?

March 4, 2017 6:30 PM

My first love from high school messaged me and wants to meet up. We dated 9 years ago. I am unsure if this is a good idea or not, and am curious to hear any stories anyone might have about reconnecting with past loves.

So. We are both 24 now.

We met during 8th grade summer, I was super shy but thought he was the cutest and sweetest guy in the world. We started dating early 9th grade, and dated until the next summer, 9 months, which isn't that long really... I really loved (as a teenager) and cared for him, he was a super sweet, caring, cute, fun, quirky, kind and easy going person. I broke up with him during the summer, because we weren't seeing each other very much due to not being able to drive ourselves, and I forgot how much I really adored him as I was a bit depressed, and there were things about him that annoyed me and I felt I wanted something different in a boyfriend. For example, he dressed differently/eccentrically, like wore a lot of black, Gothic pants, and bandannas. He had long hair which I adored actually. He could be immature and too silly and I remember thinking maybe we didn't connect on a deeper level I think.

When school started back up, he had a new girlfriend. When I saw him I was so upset, I realized how much I still loved him and cared for him and just wanted to be with him again and couldn't believe what I had done. I cried for months and was a wreck, this was my first love and heartbreak.

I have dated two other guys long term since. I went to community college after high school, while still living at home, and recently got a good office job and will be moving out in a month and a half. I had completely mostly forgotten about my first boyfriend, haven't thought about that relationship in ages. Most recently, I dated a alcoholic loser ****, and have recently defined what it is that I am looking for in a relationship.

And then, out of the complete freaking blue last week, he Facebook messaged me. He asked me how I was, we caught up a bit, and I asked what caused him to message me. He said he had a few dreams about me the other night and thought why not. He suggested that we should meet up sometime. He lives a couple hours away at school, but said he is moving back to our hometown this summer where I am because there are more opportunities. He said he can come to town sometime one weekend.

I really kind of do want to meet up with him. I want to see what it is like and what will happen. I know I'll feel those feelings again, probably. But, he does not match the type of person I think I might be most suited for... I would like to be with someone who is outdoorsy, likes fitness and health, and has a decent job and can support a family someday...

All these old memories and feelings of teenage love and lust have been flying back at me the past few days, and it is really messing with me. It's pretty annoying, I feel like an insane teenager again!! I know I am totally overthinking this probably...

I looked at some of his recent Facebook pictures, and I still find him attractive, and think I would still adore him in a way. I just don't know what it will be like seeing him, maybe super awkward? But I do think it would be interesting to reconnect...

Do you think it's a good idea?

posted by anon1129 to Human Relations (19 answers total)

What's the downside of reconnecting? You knew him when he was SO young; people grow and change a LOT during their teens and 20s, and he's not finished growing yet. You seem to be cutting yourself off from a potential opportunity because...he MIGHT not match your possible ideals? Keep an open mind! Going for a coffee doesn't commit you to anything. I don't see any downside here.
posted by yawper at 6:36 PM on March 4, 2017 [7 favorites]

a. You have nothing to lose by meeting him.
b. If you don't, you'll always wonder.
c. At 24, his prospects of a decent job are still in front of him!
posted by Prof Iterole at 7:24 PM on March 4, 2017 [2 favorites]

Go for it!

Keep in mind though, that even though you knew him, you don't know him now. Try to approach getting to know him the way you might a friend-of-a-friend (a person you've heard about, but haven't interacted with in-person).

But, he does not match the type of person I think I might be most suited for.
When you meet and get reacquainted, pay attention to whether he brings out qualities in yourself that you like /are your best traits? And if you do the same for him.

(And also, tons of former (and even current) goths are into outdoors and fitness, so you never know.)
posted by A hidden well at 7:56 PM on March 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Nooooooo. No.

I was all for it until we got to the "moving bavk to town" part. Literally, I heard brakes screeching.

Expect if you see him that this is more about lining up a FWB or some other kind of non-committed relationship where you give more than you get. If you see him, be very very careful of your heart, OK? I'm not sure if that's possible, but yeah, this doesn't sound quite right to me. You said you were moving out on your own soon, is it possible he's angling for a place to stay?

I hope I am wrong. Somehow, this doesn't sit well for me, I don't know why. I hope I am wrong.
posted by jbenben at 9:50 PM on March 4, 2017 [6 favorites]

Response by poster: Well dang jbenben. I never thought of that. But maybe it is true... I will try not to get invested and be aware that that could be his intentions. You never know... we shall see. And, I did post a status about moving out a couple weeks ago, and he did mention that he was upset that if he moved back home he had to get rid of his cats...
posted by anon1129 at 10:20 PM on March 4, 2017

I would absolutely not assume he's looking for a FWB or a place to crash just because he's moving back to town and wants to see you.

Go have coffee with him and see what happens.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 10:49 PM on March 4, 2017 [16 favorites]

Well... my mom just got engaged to her high school sweetheart after 25 years of no contact. So like, don't expect to get engaged, but not everyone has nefarious motives and sometimes it does work out. Just be prepared for the hard emotions if things don't go like you'd hope.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:29 PM on March 4, 2017 [4 favorites]

Mod note: One deleted. If you just want to joke around, find another space to do that. If you want to continue commenting here, stick to helpful answers.
posted by taz (staff) at 12:03 AM on March 5, 2017

Best answer: If you want to catch up you have to almost approach them as a new person. It's fine to talk about the past but don't let old feelings cloud who the person is right now. In front of you. I would also be cautious and take things slowly because you have both changed since freshman year of highschool. A lot.

I too, unfortunately, feel like it's for a hookup or for him to feel good about himself somehow. That's the pessimist in me but the line about dreaming about you... well.. it sounds like a line. He didn't say "Oh! I was catching up with people back in town because I'm planning to move!" Having a dream about someone and saying that's why you contacted them is very intimate to me. And I literally think I've had people use that as a line to "reconnect" to try to catch up or hook up.

As well, it worries me a bit if he's making a special trip. That can put a lot of pressure on the meeting for both of you. If he were otherwise visiting it would be a different story. Granted, it's only a few hours away, but still. Don't let the fact that he made a special trip make you feel like you owe him something more than what you're comfortable with.

Overall, I don't think it's a bad idea, but I would approach it cautiously. Even how much you explained about your relationshp in the past makes me feel like you haven't acknowledged that you've each moved on and changed as people.
posted by Crystalinne at 2:20 AM on March 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: It's possible that you could meet up with him and everything could be magical and easy and the old chemistry could still be there. It's also very possible that you will meet up with him and feel like you're talking to a complete stranger who you have nothing in common with and no chemistry with. As long you go into the meeting understanding that, I think you'll be okay.

Also, if he's coming into town specifically to see you, make sure you meet up in the afternoon and make sure he is planning on spending the night somewhere that is not with you. Just because he's driving a long way to see you doesn't mean you owe it to him to have sex with him, and I also worry that he may try and pressure you that way--regardless of whether you feel like there are enough sparks or not.
posted by colfax at 2:34 AM on March 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Also, I did ask him what the dreams were about, and he explained 3 different dreams and kept waking up in between them, and I felt like he had a lot of detail for it to be a lie?

He asked whether Saturday or Sunday worked better and I told him Sunday. I work Monday, and live with my dad...so I don't think he'll try to spend the night with me. Him making a special trip does put on a lot of pressure. I know I have changed a ton and I can tell he has too...

And I do think that maybe he was feeling down on himself and wanted some attention. He said that he bets he currently looks nothing like he used to, and I said he's always been cute, and he said I was the prettiest girl he ever dated. There was a little flirting. I'll see if it seems like he really cares about me or likes me or if he just wanted attention...
posted by anon1129 at 4:42 AM on March 5, 2017

If your relationship was pretty good at such a young age and you still wonder about what could have been I'd definitely meet him again.

I had a similar situation but we went longer without talking, we didn't reconnect properly until we were 30, it was really good to see him again and we are friends now (romance wasn't in the cards, when we first got back in touch he was interested but I was pregnant/in a relationship, then at 30 when we met up he was engaged). He's a really loyal and sweet guy and had also grown up a lot since we were dating at 14. I'm glad he's in my life.

I also think that some people do tend to check in on their prior partners when they're single, I don't think it's any worse than any other strategy and it doesn't mean they have bad intentions.
posted by lafemma at 5:36 AM on March 5, 2017

I've done this myself and until most circumstances I'd say to go for it, but I'm with jbenben here. From your phrasing I don't think this is a good idea for you. You seem to know deep down that this isn't a good idea. It's already messing with your head and pretty likely it will continue to mess with your head once you meet up. You're already planning to adore him and you don't really know him at all.

I don't think it's ever a good idea to continue down a road that's giving you so many second thoughts. I say take a pass on connecting with this guy.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:38 AM on March 5, 2017

Moving back to one's hometown is pretty standard in this era of student loan debt and poor job prospects, especially if there are more job opportunities in the area. I wouldn't take that to mean anything.

I think you should do it. That you pushed him away last time because he was a goth and kind of embarrassed you, and now you're saying this, stands out to me:

But, he does not match the type of person I think I might be most suited for... I would like to be with someone who is outdoorsy, likes fitness and health, and has a decent job and can support a family someday...

You should give up the whole idea of a "type." Spend time with him. If he's a good, kind person, and generally responsible, you should give him a chance and (frankly, tough love here) quit being so superficial.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:38 AM on March 5, 2017 [5 favorites]

Go for it. Just try not to bank on any particular outcome, if you can.

My friend met back up with her high school boyfriend after over 10 years (and they had a lot more complications than you, but were also in their early 30s). They are now married with 2 kids.
posted by sallybrown at 7:42 AM on March 5, 2017

Best answer: The only point of concern for me was that he's willing to drive a couple of hours to come and see you when he'll be here in a couple of months. I mean, if he's got a free weekend, I can see how that makes sense; and to be honest, it's not like I wouldn't do it for a former girlfriend of mine, if so much time had elapsed and there was nothing but good feeling between us.

Sure, I think it's absolutely a good idea. I would try to gather an objective picture of where he is in his life, what he's looking for these days out of his experience, what you really think about that, etc., just so you can really form any boundaries you need to effectively, and right out of the gate. It can be easy, both ways, to get lost in the nostalgia of reconnection, and sort-of presume that what one once had is readily attainable: and like others have intimated, you're just in a new era of life. Certainly doesn't mean it's impossible! And it sounds like you both have had enough time in the middle! But, yeah, I think you're getting a good upshot of it from the thread. Deeply enjoy and relish the reconnecting with him – I think it'll be great! – and just tread carefully.
posted by a good beginning at 8:19 AM on March 5, 2017

Best answer: For me, the thing that stands out is a sense of disconnect about the change from childhood to adulthood. Eighth grade is pretty much still developing children. To look at this without any acknowledgement of that transition seems a bit out of touch. And addressing that past with the same viewpoint as having been adults 9 years ago and reconnecting might not be the best way to look at this.

That being said, you guys were kids, you are adults now. Meet up and and hang out, and detach from that childhood fantasy to better get to know this person.
posted by Vaike at 6:33 PM on March 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Vaike, you are right. I knew that something was off with the way I was looking at things, but I think I just got swept up in my idealized image of him I had as a young teen and idealized our young love. I have just broken up with a different boyfriend and maybe thinking that way was helping me cope by giving me hope. I am going to journal out my feelings and really acknowledge that we were kids, now are much more mature and just totally different people now, and let go of that idealization.
posted by anon1129 at 7:17 PM on March 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Update: we met for drinks last night. He came into town to apply at a college and asked me last minute if I could meet him. I did a lot of meditating and getting my mind right to where I met him in a state of mind of having no expectations, and with the awareness that we are different people, and that I was open to whatever it would be like, and to love myself throughout the evening no matter what happened (I know I am weird but this helped me a lot).

And it was so nice seeing him. He looked very different, his voice was much deeper, but I could still spot the teenage boy I knew back then. He is still so cute and nice to be around. We do have a natural chemistry and a liking towards one another due to our gentle and kind natures. We brought up our past a little bit and reminisced on how long it had been, but then just spent a lot of the conversation catching up. We had dinner and drinks. He was looking at me in a really sweet way. And afterwards he sent me a long message about how he wanted to say a lot, but choked on his words and didn't, but had to tell me he has really missed me and that he doesn't know why he waited so long to contact me. I told him that it was lovely seeing him and that I'd like to keep getting to know the adult him.

He is going to come to town next weekend to spend more time with me. I am trying not to think about what could happen in the future at all with us, but instead enjoy and appreciate connecting with someone from my past who has a special place in my memory, and wherever it's meant to go it will go. I probably sound like I'm getting infatuated which maybe I am a bit, but I'm also keeping my head on straight and remembering my vision and goals and life, and time will tell if we are on the same paths.
posted by anon1129 at 10:10 PM on March 10, 2017 [2 favorites]