Tough choice: take 9 month job abroad or stay with wonderful boyfriend?
February 15, 2017 2:12 PM Subscribe
I'm 25, been with bf for 6 months, have had plans to move abroad for longer. How do I make the best decision possible?
I worked in Spain for 1 year and then returned to my home city in the UK because a family member was very sick. I have now been back for 2 1/2 years & honestly never intended to stay this long. Within the last year I became aware that while this city will always be my 'home' to some extent, I feel no desire to put permanent roots down & live out my days here.
So I started a job application based in Spain before I met boyfriend and now I know for sure that the job is mine, shortly after summer, if I want to take it. This job will allow me to save far more money than I am able to now, in the sector that I want to spend my life working in. I would be able to save money to fund a post-grad application in that sector here next year. I would be gone for 9 months. When we first got together I made my plans clear to my boyfriend who said he would come and visit as often as he feasibly could. He loves adventures but he travelled for 2 years already.
Lately, he seems more reluctant to discuss it (I think because we have fallen deeply in love and missed each other terribly while I visited a friend abroad recently). Yesterday he invited me to be his "+1" at a wedding in New Zealand later this year when I would be in Spain (and therefore this would be impossible if I moved, which he knows). Without a doubt, I already feel more consistently content with him than I have felt in any other partnership. He has completely swept me off my feet - he is so tender, kind & funny. Even the most mundane activities are an adventure with him. I know it's early days but I think he is a rare gem. I had some reservations about him getting along with my family in a previous thread, but those have proved unwarranted so far as he has been very warm and open. He has also made a serious effort to introduce me to his family and expresses that this relationship also feels different to him than others in the past.
And yet despite this I find myself walking down the street daydreaming about being back in Spain. I have gone to a weekly Spanish class since last September. I spend time thinking about all the places I want to hike to and the cities I want to experience (that I didn't see last time because I was so caught up in legal troubles, which I now know how to handle). I cook Spanish meals. I work to live, but no longer feel joy in this career or even my location. Although the uni I would like to study at next year is in a city my boyfriend has expressed a serious interest liviing in in the future.
My main concern is losing a good man if I leave - but, by the same coin, regretting not seeing more of the world when I was young if I don't take the opportunity.
1) Do you think I should go or seriously consider remaining here to develop the relationship?
2) If you think we could try LDR, what are the most important aspects we'd need to discuss as a couple?
I worked in Spain for 1 year and then returned to my home city in the UK because a family member was very sick. I have now been back for 2 1/2 years & honestly never intended to stay this long. Within the last year I became aware that while this city will always be my 'home' to some extent, I feel no desire to put permanent roots down & live out my days here.
So I started a job application based in Spain before I met boyfriend and now I know for sure that the job is mine, shortly after summer, if I want to take it. This job will allow me to save far more money than I am able to now, in the sector that I want to spend my life working in. I would be able to save money to fund a post-grad application in that sector here next year. I would be gone for 9 months. When we first got together I made my plans clear to my boyfriend who said he would come and visit as often as he feasibly could. He loves adventures but he travelled for 2 years already.
Lately, he seems more reluctant to discuss it (I think because we have fallen deeply in love and missed each other terribly while I visited a friend abroad recently). Yesterday he invited me to be his "+1" at a wedding in New Zealand later this year when I would be in Spain (and therefore this would be impossible if I moved, which he knows). Without a doubt, I already feel more consistently content with him than I have felt in any other partnership. He has completely swept me off my feet - he is so tender, kind & funny. Even the most mundane activities are an adventure with him. I know it's early days but I think he is a rare gem. I had some reservations about him getting along with my family in a previous thread, but those have proved unwarranted so far as he has been very warm and open. He has also made a serious effort to introduce me to his family and expresses that this relationship also feels different to him than others in the past.
And yet despite this I find myself walking down the street daydreaming about being back in Spain. I have gone to a weekly Spanish class since last September. I spend time thinking about all the places I want to hike to and the cities I want to experience (that I didn't see last time because I was so caught up in legal troubles, which I now know how to handle). I cook Spanish meals. I work to live, but no longer feel joy in this career or even my location. Although the uni I would like to study at next year is in a city my boyfriend has expressed a serious interest liviing in in the future.
My main concern is losing a good man if I leave - but, by the same coin, regretting not seeing more of the world when I was young if I don't take the opportunity.
1) Do you think I should go or seriously consider remaining here to develop the relationship?
2) If you think we could try LDR, what are the most important aspects we'd need to discuss as a couple?
1) Yes, you should go!! If he's that much of a gem, he'll wait for you/come to visit like he originally said he would, etc. The part of you that daydreams is that part to listen closely to. To be totally blunt: Your career will last your whole life, your relationship might not. Assuming the relationship weathers this temporary long-distance bit, wouldn't you want your future to look like one where you're earning more money, in a career you like, as a happier you? Who knows, maybe he'll come to visit, love Spain and you'll both make it home.
posted by purple_bird at 2:24 PM on February 15, 2017 [14 favorites]
posted by purple_bird at 2:24 PM on February 15, 2017 [14 favorites]
This job will allow me to save far more money than I am able to now, in the sector that I want to spend my life working in. (....) I would be gone for 9 months. When we first got together I made my plans clear to my boyfriend who said he would come and visit as often as he feasibly could.
GO. The relationship might possibly find a way to survive 9 months apart, but there's no way of knowing if you'll get this employment opportunity again. Don't throw this away for a guy you've been with for 6 months, even if he is wonderful and you are in love.
posted by Fig at 2:25 PM on February 15, 2017 [27 favorites]
GO. The relationship might possibly find a way to survive 9 months apart, but there's no way of knowing if you'll get this employment opportunity again. Don't throw this away for a guy you've been with for 6 months, even if he is wonderful and you are in love.
posted by Fig at 2:25 PM on February 15, 2017 [27 favorites]
Do not ever compromise your career or life over a man until you are in a significantly committed (marriage, mortgage, and/or offspring) relationship, and then only compromise over practicalities.
Nobody who truly cares about you wants you to hurt yourself for them.
Also, real talk: maybe a 5% chance this is the person you end up significantly committed to, just statistically based on age and life circumstances. I'd rather spend my entire life occasionally wondering if things would have worked out differently with that one guy that one time when I was 25 than spend my life looking at that one guy wondering if I hobbled my future to be with him.
Good men are abundant. You can't count on anybody but you to take care of yourself, so go do that. End the relationship. If it's that fantastic, you can revisit when you return, if that's how your life turns out 9 months from now.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:29 PM on February 15, 2017 [47 favorites]
Nobody who truly cares about you wants you to hurt yourself for them.
Also, real talk: maybe a 5% chance this is the person you end up significantly committed to, just statistically based on age and life circumstances. I'd rather spend my entire life occasionally wondering if things would have worked out differently with that one guy that one time when I was 25 than spend my life looking at that one guy wondering if I hobbled my future to be with him.
Good men are abundant. You can't count on anybody but you to take care of yourself, so go do that. End the relationship. If it's that fantastic, you can revisit when you return, if that's how your life turns out 9 months from now.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:29 PM on February 15, 2017 [47 favorites]
Bear in mind that you may not be able to easily land to a job in Spain if you leave it any longer than this year (remember that little thing called Brexit?). Go.
N-thing everybody telling you to prioritise your career and your future over a boyfriend. If he's the good sort, he'll stick around and support you every step of the way*.
(* source: Mr Bookish & I).
posted by kariebookish at 2:34 PM on February 15, 2017 [15 favorites]
N-thing everybody telling you to prioritise your career and your future over a boyfriend. If he's the good sort, he'll stick around and support you every step of the way*.
(* source: Mr Bookish & I).
posted by kariebookish at 2:34 PM on February 15, 2017 [15 favorites]
GO! If the relationship will last, it will last the distance. I would have cut myself so short had I always stayed proximal to my boyfriends.
posted by sockermom at 2:43 PM on February 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by sockermom at 2:43 PM on February 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
GO!
posted by headnsouth at 2:44 PM on February 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 2:44 PM on February 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
Go!
posted by jbenben at 2:46 PM on February 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 2:46 PM on February 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
Also nine months is fast. It seems long, but it's not. All my long distance relationships (I have been in 3) were long distance for years, and in the end each one was no longer right for me, but that was never because of the distance. Ever.
posted by sockermom at 2:47 PM on February 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by sockermom at 2:47 PM on February 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
JOB!!!!
posted by JenThePro at 2:55 PM on February 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by JenThePro at 2:55 PM on February 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
Omg do it. If it wouldn't last through nine months abroad, what makes you think it'd last nine months in person?
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:56 PM on February 15, 2017 [16 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:56 PM on February 15, 2017 [16 favorites]
Agreeing with everyone that you should go. It is critical to not pass up on what sound like fantastic career and travel opportunities so early on in your life--those you don't always get a second chance at. Relationships you can get second chances at. If you are both in the UK, Spain isn't that far away and he can visit often. And 9 months really isn't long.
posted by greta simone at 2:58 PM on February 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by greta simone at 2:58 PM on February 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
and as for #2--making sure that you always make time for each other, like a regular time that you talk every night. keeping each other involved in your respective everyday lives (Skype introducing friends, sending photos of what you are doing, etc). having an end date and plan (which sounds like you already do).
posted by greta simone at 3:03 PM on February 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by greta simone at 3:03 PM on February 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
I disagree that good men are plentiful. Nevertheless, the good ones I have known waited for the women they loved, and the relationships lasted. In your ideal relationship, would you want to be with someone who would support your decision to go, and be there for you while you were gone and when you came back, or someone who wants you to let go of your goals? Maybe he is the guy that can give you that, or maybe not.
posted by notquitemaryann at 3:08 PM on February 15, 2017 [9 favorites]
posted by notquitemaryann at 3:08 PM on February 15, 2017 [9 favorites]
Hi! I've been in a lot of long-distance relationships, one of which ended largely because the guy was bitching about my amazing summer internship offer abroad and how it would take mea way from him, and my marriage has involved multiple international moves for one or the other's careers, and about four months into the relationship (long distance to begin with) we had a conversation about whether or not he would take a job that, if we stayed together, would involve me having to move overseas to where he was for a set period of time. I have negotiated this situation quite a bit.
My advice:
GO.
No amazing strong perfect meant-to-be relationship will be broken by you being long distance for 9 months. Every not-meant-to-be relationship will.
posted by olinerd at 3:16 PM on February 15, 2017 [9 favorites]
My advice:
GO.
No amazing strong perfect meant-to-be relationship will be broken by you being long distance for 9 months. Every not-meant-to-be relationship will.
posted by olinerd at 3:16 PM on February 15, 2017 [9 favorites]
And for what to discuss:
- Are you both remaining monogamous with each other for the duration?
- How often will each of you be able/willing to visit the other? Is one of you in a better or worse financial position to do so? How will that affect things?
- How often will you communicate, and through what means? Is he expecting an hourlong Skype video call every night while you'd rather email? Are you expecting him to respond to your text messages within 10 minutes while he thinks he can have longer to turn them around?
- What things will not be possible because you're abroad? e.g. attending as his wedding +1. What other events may come up? Are you each okay with the other taking other friends in each your place?
- What happens after the 9 months? Are you for sure going back to the UK, or is there a chance your stay would extend? Is he in any position to co-locate with you abroad?
- Long term, where do you want to be? If you want to be not-in-the-UK, is he on board with that? Are you willing to be in the UK forever if that's what he wants? (Note: in my experience, the ideal outcome of this conversation is a genuine sentiment on both parts that you're each willing to pick up and move to where the other is.)
posted by olinerd at 3:22 PM on February 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
- Are you both remaining monogamous with each other for the duration?
- How often will each of you be able/willing to visit the other? Is one of you in a better or worse financial position to do so? How will that affect things?
- How often will you communicate, and through what means? Is he expecting an hourlong Skype video call every night while you'd rather email? Are you expecting him to respond to your text messages within 10 minutes while he thinks he can have longer to turn them around?
- What things will not be possible because you're abroad? e.g. attending as his wedding +1. What other events may come up? Are you each okay with the other taking other friends in each your place?
- What happens after the 9 months? Are you for sure going back to the UK, or is there a chance your stay would extend? Is he in any position to co-locate with you abroad?
- Long term, where do you want to be? If you want to be not-in-the-UK, is he on board with that? Are you willing to be in the UK forever if that's what he wants? (Note: in my experience, the ideal outcome of this conversation is a genuine sentiment on both parts that you're each willing to pick up and move to where the other is.)
posted by olinerd at 3:22 PM on February 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
I fell in love with a guy who was a foreigner. We rashly got married and lived apart in different countries for an entire year so that he could finish his university degree while I happily settled into my first post-college job. You can do the long-distance thing and you can do it way more easily now courtesy of iMessage and Skype and texting than I was able to do in 1979!
So if both of you want to do long distance, that is possible. If one of you doesn't, then pick the job over the guy. Picking the guy, however wonderful, over the job will lead to resentment and a potential breakup anyway.
Also, let him have his feels. You warned him this would happen but t's still painful to lose the company of someone you love. Your bf gets to feel sad because he will miss you. You are going away and having an adventure while he is staying home and will be pining for you. So he gets to feel sad and unhappy and all kinds of hurt without penalty as long as he expresses himself as a calm grownup and doesn't through toddler tantrums.
Please let him have his feelings and validate them. But don't allow yourself to be manipulated or feel guilty. Honor his feelings while still taking care of yourself and following through with your plans. That's the advice I wish I had been given many years ago. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 3:28 PM on February 15, 2017 [21 favorites]
So if both of you want to do long distance, that is possible. If one of you doesn't, then pick the job over the guy. Picking the guy, however wonderful, over the job will lead to resentment and a potential breakup anyway.
Also, let him have his feels. You warned him this would happen but t's still painful to lose the company of someone you love. Your bf gets to feel sad because he will miss you. You are going away and having an adventure while he is staying home and will be pining for you. So he gets to feel sad and unhappy and all kinds of hurt without penalty as long as he expresses himself as a calm grownup and doesn't through toddler tantrums.
Please let him have his feelings and validate them. But don't allow yourself to be manipulated or feel guilty. Honor his feelings while still taking care of yourself and following through with your plans. That's the advice I wish I had been given many years ago. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 3:28 PM on February 15, 2017 [21 favorites]
As someone who has experienced a couple LDRs (including my current fiance, which I'm moving countries for), I don't think that 9 months is very long to wait. It'll seriously be over before you know it. Your heart is telling you to go back to Spain, you totally should do so. Moreover, you can view this as an opportunity-- this is a trial by fire for your relationship. If it's strong enough, it will totally survive this. If it isn't, it won't-- but better to know that sooner rather than later. You also shouldn't compromise this particular dream for love, because its obvious in your post just how much this means to you. You may or may not regret leaving this guy, but I feel you will always always regret not going to Spain.
I agree with notquitemaryann. I also don't think great people come along every day, but any person worth their salt would support you on this and still be there when you got back.
As for how to have a successful LDR-- generally it's to have the same expectations. We agree on the frequency at which we want to chat (for us it's every day at a particular time unless we have other plans-- it doesn't have to be every day, all that matters is you're on the same page about it and that the frequency works for both of you). We do 'date' nights, where we queue a movie up at the same time, we often play online video games together, we video chat all the time, etc. We also plan times to get back together, trips etc. We have goals in that way. We also don't stand each other up without warning, or take too long to reply to texts etc. We also communicate often, tell each other about our day, send tangible gifts to each other. It works for us. I was in a bad LDR once where I felt very ignored, and in the end, the feeling was true-- I was being ignored because the relationship wasn't a priority to him. This is bad, and it may happen to you-- for some people it's out of sight and out of mind. This may be a possibility. But ultimately, while its sad to be apart, and lonely sometimes -- it doesn't feel hard to me, I don't feel unloved. The distance feels surmountable. I always feel very secure, I always feel very loved, and I feel that the distance is temporary. And this is the difference between this LDR and the one in my past-- I never felt secure in the one that failed. So be aware of that feeling. Don't conflate unhappiness with being apart with unhappiness in the relationship.
Good luck!
posted by Dimes at 3:35 PM on February 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
I agree with notquitemaryann. I also don't think great people come along every day, but any person worth their salt would support you on this and still be there when you got back.
As for how to have a successful LDR-- generally it's to have the same expectations. We agree on the frequency at which we want to chat (for us it's every day at a particular time unless we have other plans-- it doesn't have to be every day, all that matters is you're on the same page about it and that the frequency works for both of you). We do 'date' nights, where we queue a movie up at the same time, we often play online video games together, we video chat all the time, etc. We also plan times to get back together, trips etc. We have goals in that way. We also don't stand each other up without warning, or take too long to reply to texts etc. We also communicate often, tell each other about our day, send tangible gifts to each other. It works for us. I was in a bad LDR once where I felt very ignored, and in the end, the feeling was true-- I was being ignored because the relationship wasn't a priority to him. This is bad, and it may happen to you-- for some people it's out of sight and out of mind. This may be a possibility. But ultimately, while its sad to be apart, and lonely sometimes -- it doesn't feel hard to me, I don't feel unloved. The distance feels surmountable. I always feel very secure, I always feel very loved, and I feel that the distance is temporary. And this is the difference between this LDR and the one in my past-- I never felt secure in the one that failed. So be aware of that feeling. Don't conflate unhappiness with being apart with unhappiness in the relationship.
Good luck!
posted by Dimes at 3:35 PM on February 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
Go.
Work it however it makes sense to you, but go.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 3:35 PM on February 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
Work it however it makes sense to you, but go.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 3:35 PM on February 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
Go! Nine months is not a long time, the UK and Spain are not that far apart, and there are lots of cheap flights in both directions. You can definitely see each other several times over that period. I'm sure he'll be sad and miss you but if he cares about you and is committed to the relationship, he should recognize that this is a major opportunity for you and support you in taking advantage of it.
Re this:
Yesterday he invited me to be his "+1" at a wedding in New Zealand later this year when I would be in Spain (and therefore this would be impossible if I moved, which he knows).
Is this really impossible, and are you sure he knows it? It could be his way of signalling that he wants to keep things going with you, by trying to plan something with you during your time away. Sounds like it's worth having a conversation, anyway.
posted by rpfields at 3:36 PM on February 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
Re this:
Yesterday he invited me to be his "+1" at a wedding in New Zealand later this year when I would be in Spain (and therefore this would be impossible if I moved, which he knows).
Is this really impossible, and are you sure he knows it? It could be his way of signalling that he wants to keep things going with you, by trying to plan something with you during your time away. Sounds like it's worth having a conversation, anyway.
posted by rpfields at 3:36 PM on February 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
GO. You may be miserable but all you will remember 10 years from now is the great parts; you won't remember the misery. Also, it is Spain; the two of you can see each other literally every other weekend for the entire off-season 9 months.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:36 PM on February 15, 2017
posted by DarlingBri at 3:36 PM on February 15, 2017
Please GO!
posted by nubianinthedesert at 3:40 PM on February 15, 2017
posted by nubianinthedesert at 3:40 PM on February 15, 2017
I disagree that good men are plentiful. Nevertheless, the good ones I have known waited for the women they loved, and the relationships lasted.
Exactly this. If he is indeed a rate gem -- and I hope he is! -- then nine months a few hours away by plane will not end this.
I also think that you should go to the wedding with him if you can make it work.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 3:49 PM on February 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
Exactly this. If he is indeed a rate gem -- and I hope he is! -- then nine months a few hours away by plane will not end this.
I also think that you should go to the wedding with him if you can make it work.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 3:49 PM on February 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
I generally come down on the side of prioritizing relationships in situations like this (I do not think 25 is too young to commit to your life partner, if you've been lucky enough to find them; and I disagree that great connections are easy to find.) But in this case, both the distance and the length of time being considered here are small enough that I think if you guys have a future together, these 9 months will be a trivial obstacle.
If you were considering a two year stint in Antarctica, yeah you'd probably need to decide between that and the guy. But this? It's less than a year, and you can easily see him several times while you're there anyway.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:01 PM on February 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
If you were considering a two year stint in Antarctica, yeah you'd probably need to decide between that and the guy. But this? It's less than a year, and you can easily see him several times while you're there anyway.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:01 PM on February 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
Congratulations on the job!!! This sounds very exciting :)
I'm another one chiming in to say GO. These types of opportunities don't come around all that often. 9 months feels like a long time compared to a 6 month relationship but it'll fly by. As stated above, if he's the rare gem you say he is, he'll be cool with it. Not thrilled, sure. But he should understand. (Also, he knew about this at the beginning of your relationship, so it's not like you're springing this on him out of the blue, geez.)
Soak up the experience, save/invest/whatever the money you'll make, and make good with the professional contacts you'll surely make there (which really are priceless). GO. GO GO GO GO GO.
Really, GO!
posted by AlisonM at 4:08 PM on February 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm another one chiming in to say GO. These types of opportunities don't come around all that often. 9 months feels like a long time compared to a 6 month relationship but it'll fly by. As stated above, if he's the rare gem you say he is, he'll be cool with it. Not thrilled, sure. But he should understand. (Also, he knew about this at the beginning of your relationship, so it's not like you're springing this on him out of the blue, geez.)
Soak up the experience, save/invest/whatever the money you'll make, and make good with the professional contacts you'll surely make there (which really are priceless). GO. GO GO GO GO GO.
Really, GO!
posted by AlisonM at 4:08 PM on February 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
If he is doing anything short of insisting that you cannot pass up this opportunity, might as well break it off now because this guy will not go the distance.
posted by she's not there at 4:21 PM on February 15, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by she's not there at 4:21 PM on February 15, 2017 [11 favorites]
Take the job. That said
Yesterday he invited me to be his "+1" at a wedding in New Zealand later this year when I would be in Spain (and therefore this would be impossible if I moved, which he knows).
Why would that be impossible? While I lived in the UK and my boyfriend lived in the US we attended a wedding in Ireland together.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 4:22 PM on February 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
Yesterday he invited me to be his "+1" at a wedding in New Zealand later this year when I would be in Spain (and therefore this would be impossible if I moved, which he knows).
Why would that be impossible? While I lived in the UK and my boyfriend lived in the US we attended a wedding in Ireland together.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 4:22 PM on February 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
I would recommend that you go, without any hesitation at all.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 4:23 PM on February 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 4:23 PM on February 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
Please go. I don't think 25 is too young to meet the person you stay with for the long term, but I have noticed something about the happy couples I know who met when they were younger than 25 - they allowed each other room to grow, and they all weathered at least some time apart. They went to grad school, or the Peace Corps, or whatever. Some of them did long distance, some broke up for a while and got back together, but they didn't hobble themselves or each other to be together.
posted by lunasol at 4:28 PM on February 15, 2017 [17 favorites]
posted by lunasol at 4:28 PM on February 15, 2017 [17 favorites]
The only way you'll know if he really is wonderful is if you take the job.
posted by Everydayville at 4:44 PM on February 15, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by Everydayville at 4:44 PM on February 15, 2017 [12 favorites]
I have two unrelated bits of advice, one from my experience working in Spain, and one from being in a long-distance relationship.
I worked in Spain for 1 year and then returned to my home city in the UK because a family member was very sick. I have now been back for 2 1/2 years...
So I started a job application based in Spain before I met boyfriend and now I know for sure that the job is mine, shortly after summer, if I want to take it.... I would be gone for 9 months....
Were you an auxiliar, and are you returning to be an auxiliar or auxiliar-adjacent (working in an academy, summer camp, etc.)? I'm guessing this because you also say I didn't see [these cities] last time because I was so caught up in legal troubles, which I now know how to handle and you mentioned in a previous question teaching your first English class to a mixed group of students in late September, which is pretty par for the course for Spanish public education in general and the auxiliar program specifically.
I only ask because 1) every auxiliar I have ever met (me included) wants to go back to Spain pretty much constantly, and 2) if you are going for another auxiliar stint or being paid under the table at an academy, the legal/financial stress will still be there the 2nd time around.
So, I'm going to go against the grain here and say, do NOT go back to Spain unless you have an established company willing to sponsor your work visa, a company who has sponsored other foreigners before, and the field you reference is not education. Anything else is asking for another 9 months of a legal headache. Auxiliares who have returned to Spain or tried to extend their stay there run into immense difficulties and get very bitter about the whole process, and I myself wouldn't go back just due to the stress of being an immigrant on a temporary visa.
Second bit of advice:
Lately, he seems more reluctant to discuss it (I think because we have fallen deeply in love and missed each other terribly while I visited a friend abroad recently). Yesterday he invited me to be his "+1" at a wedding in New Zealand later this year when I would be in Spain (and therefore this would be impossible if I moved, which he knows).
That's kinda irritating. He's setting you up to have to make a point of turning him down when he already knows you wouldn't be able to come. Missing you is one thing, but this kind of maneuver is the kind of thing my ex would do so he had examples of me on the record picking something (a job, a friend, my dying grandmother) over him. Be very wary.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:01 PM on February 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
I worked in Spain for 1 year and then returned to my home city in the UK because a family member was very sick. I have now been back for 2 1/2 years...
So I started a job application based in Spain before I met boyfriend and now I know for sure that the job is mine, shortly after summer, if I want to take it.... I would be gone for 9 months....
Were you an auxiliar, and are you returning to be an auxiliar or auxiliar-adjacent (working in an academy, summer camp, etc.)? I'm guessing this because you also say I didn't see [these cities] last time because I was so caught up in legal troubles, which I now know how to handle and you mentioned in a previous question teaching your first English class to a mixed group of students in late September, which is pretty par for the course for Spanish public education in general and the auxiliar program specifically.
I only ask because 1) every auxiliar I have ever met (me included) wants to go back to Spain pretty much constantly, and 2) if you are going for another auxiliar stint or being paid under the table at an academy, the legal/financial stress will still be there the 2nd time around.
So, I'm going to go against the grain here and say, do NOT go back to Spain unless you have an established company willing to sponsor your work visa, a company who has sponsored other foreigners before, and the field you reference is not education. Anything else is asking for another 9 months of a legal headache. Auxiliares who have returned to Spain or tried to extend their stay there run into immense difficulties and get very bitter about the whole process, and I myself wouldn't go back just due to the stress of being an immigrant on a temporary visa.
Second bit of advice:
Lately, he seems more reluctant to discuss it (I think because we have fallen deeply in love and missed each other terribly while I visited a friend abroad recently). Yesterday he invited me to be his "+1" at a wedding in New Zealand later this year when I would be in Spain (and therefore this would be impossible if I moved, which he knows).
That's kinda irritating. He's setting you up to have to make a point of turning him down when he already knows you wouldn't be able to come. Missing you is one thing, but this kind of maneuver is the kind of thing my ex would do so he had examples of me on the record picking something (a job, a friend, my dying grandmother) over him. Be very wary.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:01 PM on February 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
I am pretty sure there is a bus running every 15 minutes from the UK to Spain. If the love of your life can't drop a few Eurobucks every now and then to come visit you in wherever, and if you can't do the same for him, then yeah, I wouldn't bother about it. I've slow-cooked brisket for longer than you're going to be overseas.
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:26 PM on February 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:26 PM on February 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
So, I'm going to go against the grain here and say, do NOT go back to Spain unless you have an established company willing to sponsor your work visa, a company who has sponsored other foreigners before
OP is British, and Brexit hasn't happened yet. She's free to live and work throughout all EU countries without this red tape.
OP: Another vote for GO! For all the reasons mentioned above. And because Spain is great.
posted by tiger tiger at 10:21 PM on February 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
OP is British, and Brexit hasn't happened yet. She's free to live and work throughout all EU countries without this red tape.
OP: Another vote for GO! For all the reasons mentioned above. And because Spain is great.
posted by tiger tiger at 10:21 PM on February 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
GO!!!!
9 months is nothing in the course of a relationship that spans a lifetime.
If I told my now-husband, back when we were dating, that I had this amazing opportunity to work abroad, he would have been so excited for me and fully encouraged me to go. Because that is the type of person he is. Supportive kind and considerate of my needs.
Also, depending on where he is in the UK and where in Spain are you, flight tickets very affordable <£50 for a return ticket if you book far in advance. You could literally see each other every other weekend should you choose to.
posted by moiraine at 11:19 PM on February 15, 2017
9 months is nothing in the course of a relationship that spans a lifetime.
If I told my now-husband, back when we were dating, that I had this amazing opportunity to work abroad, he would have been so excited for me and fully encouraged me to go. Because that is the type of person he is. Supportive kind and considerate of my needs.
Also, depending on where he is in the UK and where in Spain are you, flight tickets very affordable <£50 for a return ticket if you book far in advance. You could literally see each other every other weekend should you choose to.
posted by moiraine at 11:19 PM on February 15, 2017
Go if you like, but I have a lot of experience in this kind of situation and I'd like to push back on the majority opinion in this thread that this is some kind of litmus test on either his character or your ultimate compatibility. LTRs are a partnership and you are the one putting stress on the relationship. It is legitimate for him to say, I don't want to do an LDR, we need to break up. That would be neither a poor reflection on his character nor a sign that it "wasn't meant to be". Rather, you make commitments jointly to make it "meant to be" by choosing to occupy the same space against whatever odds. It is a tough spot; I have been faced with this decision a number of times and made more or less all of the possible choices and always found something to regret.
If I were you I would go to Spain and break up. You can always get back together again later if you both want to. You'll be doing that even if you stay together: a LDR is a choice to be apart followed by a choice to occupy some sort of limbo followed by a choice to be together again.
Also, see La La Land if you have not yet.
posted by Kwine at 1:09 AM on February 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
If I were you I would go to Spain and break up. You can always get back together again later if you both want to. You'll be doing that even if you stay together: a LDR is a choice to be apart followed by a choice to occupy some sort of limbo followed by a choice to be together again.
Also, see La La Land if you have not yet.
posted by Kwine at 1:09 AM on February 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
I met my fiancé in Japan when I was 24, but had to go back to Germany a few months later. We made it work for about nine months without even visiting each other over a seven to eight hour (depending on summer time savings) time difference and a lot of uncertainty. Then we were short distance for about half a year, moved in together around the two-year mark, lived together for 15 months and are now long distance again for the past half year. We will finally get married next month, and I can only hope that we won't have to be apart ever again, but who knows...
Long distance is hard, and sad, and sometimes lonely, and you can question your relationship in ways you wouldn't if you were together. But the UK and Spain are really not that far, they're in the same time zone (or an hour apart?) and if you make as much money as you say you will, visits will totally be possible.
If you both want to make it work, you will. If one of you doesn't... well, then I guess the next hardship may kill your relationship anyhow.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 3:07 AM on February 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
Long distance is hard, and sad, and sometimes lonely, and you can question your relationship in ways you wouldn't if you were together. But the UK and Spain are really not that far, they're in the same time zone (or an hour apart?) and if you make as much money as you say you will, visits will totally be possible.
If you both want to make it work, you will. If one of you doesn't... well, then I guess the next hardship may kill your relationship anyhow.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 3:07 AM on February 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
I guess one reason we worked is that we never saw the other person's going away as a "choice" or a "punishment", but simply thought that it couldn't be helped. I couldn't stay in Japan at 24. He couldn't find a job where we lived last year. Sometimes, life just sucks.
I guess if he chose to go somewhere for a 100% perfect job even though he could have a 95% great job where I lived and worked as well, I might see things differently, because obviously partnerships mean sacrifices, but if his whole livelihood or happiness depended on it...
posted by LoonyLovegood at 3:12 AM on February 16, 2017
I guess if he chose to go somewhere for a 100% perfect job even though he could have a 95% great job where I lived and worked as well, I might see things differently, because obviously partnerships mean sacrifices, but if his whole livelihood or happiness depended on it...
posted by LoonyLovegood at 3:12 AM on February 16, 2017
OP is British, and Brexit hasn't happened yet. She's free to live and work throughout all EU countries without this red tape.
I'm aware. OP also mentioned having legal troubles last time the lived there which kept them from travelling. UK citizens still have issues with legal red tape - it's the nature of the Spanish bureaucracy. It's something to keep in mind.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:04 AM on February 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm aware. OP also mentioned having legal troubles last time the lived there which kept them from travelling. UK citizens still have issues with legal red tape - it's the nature of the Spanish bureaucracy. It's something to keep in mind.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:04 AM on February 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
So, I'm going to go against the grain here and say, do NOT go back to Spain unless you have an established company willing to sponsor your work visa, a company who has sponsored other foreigners before, and the field you reference is not education.
I'm aware. OP also mentioned having legal troubles last time the lived there which kept them from travelling. UK citizens still have issues with legal red tape - it's the nature of the Spanish bureaucracy.
Yes, but there won't be any issue with "work visa", which was what your original post specifically referred to and had anecdotes of. Work visa will not be an issue for British citizens. Having legal troubles is not the same as work visa problems.
Here's a helpful governmental source which give correct information about British citizens working and living in Spain:
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/living-in-spain
posted by moiraine at 5:29 AM on February 16, 2017
I'm aware. OP also mentioned having legal troubles last time the lived there which kept them from travelling. UK citizens still have issues with legal red tape - it's the nature of the Spanish bureaucracy.
Yes, but there won't be any issue with "work visa", which was what your original post specifically referred to and had anecdotes of. Work visa will not be an issue for British citizens. Having legal troubles is not the same as work visa problems.
Here's a helpful governmental source which give correct information about British citizens working and living in Spain:
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/living-in-spain
posted by moiraine at 5:29 AM on February 16, 2017
1) Do you think I should go ..
Yes, absolutely. No questions asked. This is so easy. Take the job.
2) If you think we could try LDR, what are the most important aspects we'd need to discuss as a couple?
Discuss expectations around commitment and monogamy and a tentative visiting schedule that will work for both of your budgets. Will you see each other monthly? Every other week? Spend vacations together? Perhaps discuss what you will do after 3 or 6 months have passed -- check back in and see how the LDR situation is going? Evaluate whether to continue or part ways?
If this guy isn't willing to actively discuss being long distance to support your career, then he's not LTR material for you.
posted by Gray Skies at 6:31 AM on February 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
Yes, absolutely. No questions asked. This is so easy. Take the job.
2) If you think we could try LDR, what are the most important aspects we'd need to discuss as a couple?
Discuss expectations around commitment and monogamy and a tentative visiting schedule that will work for both of your budgets. Will you see each other monthly? Every other week? Spend vacations together? Perhaps discuss what you will do after 3 or 6 months have passed -- check back in and see how the LDR situation is going? Evaluate whether to continue or part ways?
If this guy isn't willing to actively discuss being long distance to support your career, then he's not LTR material for you.
posted by Gray Skies at 6:31 AM on February 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
I have some experience with a similar situation. I went, did not regret it although it was very difficult, had one big visit in the middle and everything worked out. Part of my take-away from that situation was "I do not want to do this kind of thing again", but I'm still glad that I did it - it was clarifying and skill-building, and it proved some stuff about the relationship. This too was a relationship that very quickly felt different from previous relationships and that started up right around the time that I was solidifying plans to go abroad.
I'd say, have a frank talk with him and say that you love him and want to stay together, and making a good career for yourself will improve your lives long-term as a couple. Plan a solid visit in the middle, or several if you can. Nine months is a long time to miss someone, yes, but also a short time in terms of your working life. The two of you can do this.
posted by Frowner at 7:30 AM on February 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'd say, have a frank talk with him and say that you love him and want to stay together, and making a good career for yourself will improve your lives long-term as a couple. Plan a solid visit in the middle, or several if you can. Nine months is a long time to miss someone, yes, but also a short time in terms of your working life. The two of you can do this.
posted by Frowner at 7:30 AM on February 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
Go. Also, see Brooklyn if you have not yet.
posted by languagehat at 8:17 AM on February 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by languagehat at 8:17 AM on February 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'll speak as one who gave up a couple of opportunities for a boyfriend and still has deep regrets 25 years later about doing that: GO.
posted by holborne at 8:38 AM on February 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by holborne at 8:38 AM on February 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
Hey, so I was in a very similar situation. After university I went to France for 6 months (though I was gone for about 9 months in all), leaving my boyfriend of 8 months behind. Our distance was further (Texas to France) but we made it work and after coming back we moved in together. We later broke up for unrelated reasons.
I say do it. Spain really isn't that far and there's plenty of cheap RyanAir flights.
Things to consider
-is there actually an end date to long distance or do you want to stay in Spain for longer?
- when do you plan on visiting one another? What about holidays?
- what happens when you have a skype date but a new friend invites you out and you have to bail? This is less of an issue with smart phones but it was really difficult when I was doing it (also lots of planning with the time difference)
- Are you going to be fully present while in Spain if you know someone is pinning for you somewhere else? This was the biggest issue for me. I think I would have liked my first time in France a lot more- and would have put myself out there more if I didn't have the fall back of human interaction and a Skype date planned for later in the evening.
Whatever you do, I've never regretted a big decision I made. It was the ones where I waffles or only did something halfway that I regret.
posted by raccoon409 at 9:04 AM on February 16, 2017
I say do it. Spain really isn't that far and there's plenty of cheap RyanAir flights.
Things to consider
-is there actually an end date to long distance or do you want to stay in Spain for longer?
- when do you plan on visiting one another? What about holidays?
- what happens when you have a skype date but a new friend invites you out and you have to bail? This is less of an issue with smart phones but it was really difficult when I was doing it (also lots of planning with the time difference)
- Are you going to be fully present while in Spain if you know someone is pinning for you somewhere else? This was the biggest issue for me. I think I would have liked my first time in France a lot more- and would have put myself out there more if I didn't have the fall back of human interaction and a Skype date planned for later in the evening.
Whatever you do, I've never regretted a big decision I made. It was the ones where I waffles or only did something halfway that I regret.
posted by raccoon409 at 9:04 AM on February 16, 2017
I would go, but I want to push back on the idea that 9 months is nothing if you are in love, or whatever. Right after our wedding, my husband moved to the other side of the US for a job I supported him taking. I was in grad school and had to stay in New York: I was busy, I have a ton of friends, I am pretty independent, and still — it really sucked and I missed him every day. And we saw one another pretty often all told. It was worth it in terms of everything, but it wasn't easy at all. So I would talk about what if it sucks? Are you going to fly back & forth a bunch since its close? Can he come stay for blocks of time? Is this maybe just a case of ships passing and that's how it is gonna be?
posted by dame at 9:05 AM on February 16, 2017
posted by dame at 9:05 AM on February 16, 2017
Just nthing [mostly] everyone else here - Do GO ! Just my two cents and background:
• Lived abroad (UK, Italy and Japan) for the better part of a decade
• Been with my partner for ... geez, it'll be 20 years in August.
• On returning to Canada I lived across the country from her for another 9 years
• It's only been in the last 3 years, and another time for 2 years in the early 2000s, that we've been in the same place
[EDIT: I know on 1st glance it looks like this doesn't add up. It's complicated, I lived all over the place.]
LDRs are difficult but as long as you both don't overload it with expectations they can work. Honestly neither of us would recommend it if we had had any choice, but we recognised quickly that it wasn't going to work any other way if we wanted to stay together.
I would still recommend going, though: If you have compatible values and fortitude you can make the distance work. If you don't, the sooner you see that clearly, and the more likely you can move on.
Put it this way - you're at the age where you can consider living abroad as a viable option.
You won't always have this opportunity.
posted by northtwilight at 11:06 AM on February 16, 2017
• Lived abroad (UK, Italy and Japan) for the better part of a decade
• Been with my partner for ... geez, it'll be 20 years in August.
• On returning to Canada I lived across the country from her for another 9 years
• It's only been in the last 3 years, and another time for 2 years in the early 2000s, that we've been in the same place
[EDIT: I know on 1st glance it looks like this doesn't add up. It's complicated, I lived all over the place.]
LDRs are difficult but as long as you both don't overload it with expectations they can work. Honestly neither of us would recommend it if we had had any choice, but we recognised quickly that it wasn't going to work any other way if we wanted to stay together.
I would still recommend going, though: If you have compatible values and fortitude you can make the distance work. If you don't, the sooner you see that clearly, and the more likely you can move on.
Put it this way - you're at the age where you can consider living abroad as a viable option.
You won't always have this opportunity.
posted by northtwilight at 11:06 AM on February 16, 2017
A big regret of mine is following my boyfriend (now husband) rather than diverging on my own path for a while. We're very happy now, but we would've survived some time apart, and I regret that I didn't pursue my own opportunities in favor of his. I still think about it. So, yeah, go.
posted by EtTuHealy at 1:22 PM on February 16, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by EtTuHealy at 1:22 PM on February 16, 2017 [3 favorites]
Go.
I'm currently living 8k km away from Mr Nat. We've been together for six years, and we only lived in the same place for the first six months. We started dating after I'd accepted a job in another state, and have been moving farther apart since (now on different continents). I am currently thrilled because starting in August we will get to live together.
So of course I say do it, because for me it worked out. But I'm not the one you should listen to- that's Mr. Nat. You see, before we got together, he dated another woman and they spent a few years in an LDR. They split up, but even so, he still decided an LDR was a good idea the second time around. And that it was ok for both of us to prioritize career over being in the same place (although who knows if we would have knowing it would be six years apart).
For you? Less than a year apart? Almost the same time zone? Cheap flights? In the era of skype and cheap international texting plans, go already.
(And yeah, I don't know why you can't go to NZ from Spain. It's just as far as from the U.K.).
posted by nat at 7:54 PM on February 16, 2017
I'm currently living 8k km away from Mr Nat. We've been together for six years, and we only lived in the same place for the first six months. We started dating after I'd accepted a job in another state, and have been moving farther apart since (now on different continents). I am currently thrilled because starting in August we will get to live together.
So of course I say do it, because for me it worked out. But I'm not the one you should listen to- that's Mr. Nat. You see, before we got together, he dated another woman and they spent a few years in an LDR. They split up, but even so, he still decided an LDR was a good idea the second time around. And that it was ok for both of us to prioritize career over being in the same place (although who knows if we would have knowing it would be six years apart).
For you? Less than a year apart? Almost the same time zone? Cheap flights? In the era of skype and cheap international texting plans, go already.
(And yeah, I don't know why you can't go to NZ from Spain. It's just as far as from the U.K.).
posted by nat at 7:54 PM on February 16, 2017
Just in case you need ANOTHER vote here, I 100% think you should go.
Love is generally confused with dependence. Those of us who have grown in true love know that we can love only in proportion to our capacity for independence.
~The World According to Mister Rogers
posted by DingoMutt at 1:33 PM on February 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
Love is generally confused with dependence. Those of us who have grown in true love know that we can love only in proportion to our capacity for independence.
~The World According to Mister Rogers
posted by DingoMutt at 1:33 PM on February 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
There are so many men. Live your life.
posted by praemunire at 2:23 PM on February 15, 2017 [149 favorites]