New partner - Ejaculation issues?
December 30, 2016 1:39 PM Subscribe
I've been dating a guy who I really like for about four months. We have a great time together, laugh a lot, see each other several times a week, and communicate well with one another. We decided to be exclusive about six weeks into dating and started having sex around that time.
The issue? He only orgasms about half of the time that we have sex.
The first couple of times we had sex, this happened and we talked about it. He said that he enjoyed having sex with me, even if he didn't climax. He also told me that in previous relationships, he'd also struggled with orgasming, but that it hadn't bothered him. The longer we were dating, the easier it was for him to come, but he still didn't always come. I expressed concern because I always came, often multiple times because it lasted so long, and I didn't want to start our relationship with such a great inequality. I didn't think it was fair for him to not always "get there" if I was, but he assured me that it made him feel good for me to feel good, even if he didn't orgasm. And, to be honest, from my perspective, our sex is very passionate and egalitarian. It seems like the longer we've been together, he is able to reach orgasm more often, but not every time.
We talked about his masturbation and porn habits and he said that he might masturbate once or twice a week if I weren't around, and watched porn about that often, if not a little less. He doesn't take any medication that would be affecting this situation. We do drink a couple of glasses of wine usually at night or maybe smoke a joint, but sometimes this affects him in the morning, too.
I really like this guy and I want to make sure that both of our needs are being met sexually. But I also want to respect his boundaries and I don't want to continue to push him and present this situation as a problem, if he really doesn't see it as a problem. Has anyone else encountered a similar situation with a partner or themselves? Is this something that I should continue to press into or just wait and see what happens? Am I totally confused about how much he is interested in me and our relationship?
The first couple of times we had sex, this happened and we talked about it. He said that he enjoyed having sex with me, even if he didn't climax. He also told me that in previous relationships, he'd also struggled with orgasming, but that it hadn't bothered him. The longer we were dating, the easier it was for him to come, but he still didn't always come. I expressed concern because I always came, often multiple times because it lasted so long, and I didn't want to start our relationship with such a great inequality. I didn't think it was fair for him to not always "get there" if I was, but he assured me that it made him feel good for me to feel good, even if he didn't orgasm. And, to be honest, from my perspective, our sex is very passionate and egalitarian. It seems like the longer we've been together, he is able to reach orgasm more often, but not every time.
We talked about his masturbation and porn habits and he said that he might masturbate once or twice a week if I weren't around, and watched porn about that often, if not a little less. He doesn't take any medication that would be affecting this situation. We do drink a couple of glasses of wine usually at night or maybe smoke a joint, but sometimes this affects him in the morning, too.
I really like this guy and I want to make sure that both of our needs are being met sexually. But I also want to respect his boundaries and I don't want to continue to push him and present this situation as a problem, if he really doesn't see it as a problem. Has anyone else encountered a similar situation with a partner or themselves? Is this something that I should continue to press into or just wait and see what happens? Am I totally confused about how much he is interested in me and our relationship?
I'm not sure what the problem is here. You're enjoying sex and he says he is, so take him at his word.
posted by metasarah at 1:47 PM on December 30, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 1:47 PM on December 30, 2016 [14 favorites]
Best answer: Your new relationship sounds awesome, congrats. I wouldn't treat this as a problem until it becomes one.
...while being aware that it's possible for your dude to genuinely not consider this a problem until your concerns makes it into one for him, and he now has pressure to perform for you.
posted by danny the boy at 1:49 PM on December 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
...while being aware that it's possible for your dude to genuinely not consider this a problem until your concerns makes it into one for him, and he now has pressure to perform for you.
posted by danny the boy at 1:49 PM on December 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Please please please do not press him. It sounds like he has communicated his needs and wants fully and is happy with how things are.
Before I was able to orgasm, there was absolutely literally NOTHING IN THE UNIVERSE worse than dudes trying to "solve" my "problem." They treated my body like a homework assignment and my theoretical orgasm like a prize for THEM to win, and they never believed me when I told them I was having fun and it didn't bother me, and the looks on their faces when they finally realized that I really actually was not going to be made to come by them was, universally, one of disappointment IN ME. The way my body worked wasn't good enough for them.
Do not do this to your bf. Just believe him.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:50 PM on December 30, 2016 [48 favorites]
Before I was able to orgasm, there was absolutely literally NOTHING IN THE UNIVERSE worse than dudes trying to "solve" my "problem." They treated my body like a homework assignment and my theoretical orgasm like a prize for THEM to win, and they never believed me when I told them I was having fun and it didn't bother me, and the looks on their faces when they finally realized that I really actually was not going to be made to come by them was, universally, one of disappointment IN ME. The way my body worked wasn't good enough for them.
Do not do this to your bf. Just believe him.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:50 PM on December 30, 2016 [48 favorites]
Believe people when they tell you things. If he is lying or obfuscating or not wanting to give you extensive explanations, for whatever reason as long as the issue is not one that affects your health and safety, your obligation is to respect what you are told.
There is more to pleasure and orgasm than ejaculation. You do not have the right to insist on literal fluid evidence before you will accept his words.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:53 PM on December 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
There is more to pleasure and orgasm than ejaculation. You do not have the right to insist on literal fluid evidence before you will accept his words.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:53 PM on December 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
This is a common problem with SSRI's. Is he on anti-depressants?
posted by Grumpy old geek at 1:54 PM on December 30, 2016
posted by Grumpy old geek at 1:54 PM on December 30, 2016
Your new partner is telling you his needs are being met. Believe him. But, that leaves open the question of are your needs being met. Is making your partner cum a significant part of the pleasure for you? I certainly have had partners where much of their enjoyment came from getting me to cum. Are you interpreting his lack of orgasm as a comment on your performance or attractiveness? He might be completely fine with cuming half as often as you do, but you might not be. It is ok if his lack of consistent orgasm is a deal-breaker for you.
posted by hworth at 1:57 PM on December 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by hworth at 1:57 PM on December 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Look. Seriously. Be thrilled that he is ok with this. I mean it. That's a grown up you got there.
God, I hate the time and effort that goes into convincing women when this happens that a) they did nothing wrong and b) they did not in any way fail and c) I still had a great time.
posted by trinity8-director at 1:58 PM on December 30, 2016 [18 favorites]
God, I hate the time and effort that goes into convincing women when this happens that a) they did nothing wrong and b) they did not in any way fail and c) I still had a great time.
posted by trinity8-director at 1:58 PM on December 30, 2016 [18 favorites]
Hi.
Dude here that does the same as your dude.
If he's enjoying the sex, and you are, just leave it alone. For me, it's not about the finish, it's about the fun. I have fun, so who cares how it finishes.
posted by deezil at 2:15 PM on December 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
Dude here that does the same as your dude.
If he's enjoying the sex, and you are, just leave it alone. For me, it's not about the finish, it's about the fun. I have fun, so who cares how it finishes.
posted by deezil at 2:15 PM on December 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
It's worth remembering that for most people — even for people who have a really easy time having orgasms — the orgasms aren't the best or the most memorable thing about sex with their partner.
It's almost never just "I like sex with you because I like coming." It's "I like sex with you because it's really hot doing X and Y and Z with you [and in fact, it's so hot doing X and Y and Z that it sometimes makes me come]."
I really get a lot of satisfaction from giving my partner pleasure. I love getting people off. But when I'm sleeping with someone who doesn't always orgasm, I get that satisfaction other ways. Maybe I wear that one pair of underwear I know makes their eyes bug out. Maybe I talk dirty about that one fantasy of theirs that I know they're super into. Maybe I make sure to give them the satisfaction of getting me off because I know that's something that feels good to them.
Honestly one of the best things about an ongoing sexual relationship is that the longer you've been sleeping with someone, the better you know what buttons of theirs to push — and you can enjoy pushing those buttons whether or not they lead to an orgasm. So relax and enjoy yourself, and enjoy getting to know him and his turn-ons, and see where it goes.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:27 PM on December 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
It's almost never just "I like sex with you because I like coming." It's "I like sex with you because it's really hot doing X and Y and Z with you [and in fact, it's so hot doing X and Y and Z that it sometimes makes me come]."
I really get a lot of satisfaction from giving my partner pleasure. I love getting people off. But when I'm sleeping with someone who doesn't always orgasm, I get that satisfaction other ways. Maybe I wear that one pair of underwear I know makes their eyes bug out. Maybe I talk dirty about that one fantasy of theirs that I know they're super into. Maybe I make sure to give them the satisfaction of getting me off because I know that's something that feels good to them.
Honestly one of the best things about an ongoing sexual relationship is that the longer you've been sleeping with someone, the better you know what buttons of theirs to push — and you can enjoy pushing those buttons whether or not they lead to an orgasm. So relax and enjoy yourself, and enjoy getting to know him and his turn-ons, and see where it goes.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:27 PM on December 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
Neither my husband nor I orgasm every time. It's fine and wonderful and neither of us pressure the other. We're both satisfied and pleased with our sexual relationship. Also, as time went on, we both had orgasms more frequently because we got better at sex with each other with practice.
Take him at his word.
Don't use number of orgasms as the gauge for how much he is interested in you, please.
posted by pearshaped at 3:25 PM on December 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
Take him at his word.
Don't use number of orgasms as the gauge for how much he is interested in you, please.
posted by pearshaped at 3:25 PM on December 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
How old is he? This could be within the range of perfectly normal if he's over 40. If he's 20, not so much, and he should probably see a doctor.
posted by AFABulous at 3:29 PM on December 30, 2016
posted by AFABulous at 3:29 PM on December 30, 2016
I have probably dated more dudes than not who had trouble orgasming at the beginning of a relationship, some of whom had a less frequent but still reoccurring "problem" (not really a problem) all throughout our time together. All of them maintained during and after the relationships that they had a great time, felt fulfilled, and didn't feel like I was getting to have all the fun or anything.
So yeah. You should totally believe him but beyond that rest assured that this isn't just not a problem, it's not even that unusual.
posted by WidgetAlley at 3:33 PM on December 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
So yeah. You should totally believe him but beyond that rest assured that this isn't just not a problem, it's not even that unusual.
posted by WidgetAlley at 3:33 PM on December 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yeah this sounds totally normal and he sounds like he's dealing with it and communicating it in a healthy way, so take him at his word! You don't mention how old you or he are, but as I've gotten older (and subsequently have been dating people older), one a man gets into his 30s and 40s, he's slept with enough women and had enough sex and has other priorities and stressors that just getting with a new girl isn't necessarily enough to guarantee an orgasm, nor is the best sex in the whole world sometimes. Appreciate what you have and don't take it personally!
posted by greta simone at 4:00 PM on December 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by greta simone at 4:00 PM on December 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
This happened to me in my 20s and early 30s, that is, sometimes having difficulty reaching orgasm with someone new, that wore off with familiarity. Didn't bother me, was probably slightly nerves-related, didn't seem to have anything to do with my partners, and did go away over time. I'd leave it be and avoid problematizing dude's sex performance -- if he's telling the truth, then it's no deal, and if he's lying, I think you'll make it worse by making a big deal of it.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 4:26 PM on December 30, 2016
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 4:26 PM on December 30, 2016
My husband doesn't orgasm every time we have sex even now after we've known each other 14 years. . It ran at about a 25% rate of orgasm for the first 2 years we were dating. Though he had no trouble orgasming through masturbation.
Now after 8 years of marriage he's running at about a 50-75% rate depending on work stress & sleep levels. The situation wasn't helped at all by the fact Im easily orgasmic & took his lack of orgasms as a personal challenge early on in the relationship. What did help was me relaxing, trusting he was enjoying sex and by the number of times he initiates it even all these years later I'm guessing he is enjoying it.
posted by wwax at 4:33 PM on December 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
Now after 8 years of marriage he's running at about a 50-75% rate depending on work stress & sleep levels. The situation wasn't helped at all by the fact Im easily orgasmic & took his lack of orgasms as a personal challenge early on in the relationship. What did help was me relaxing, trusting he was enjoying sex and by the number of times he initiates it even all these years later I'm guessing he is enjoying it.
posted by wwax at 4:33 PM on December 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
My husband doesn't orgasm everytime we have sex, though I do. It's been this way since we started dating. We're all happy and it's not an issue.
Please don't make it into an issue. That's the fastest route to insecurity, resentment, and undue pressure to "perform" for you.
posted by lydhre at 4:39 PM on December 30, 2016 [5 favorites]
Please don't make it into an issue. That's the fastest route to insecurity, resentment, and undue pressure to "perform" for you.
posted by lydhre at 4:39 PM on December 30, 2016 [5 favorites]
It is a lot more common than you think and it has nothing to do with you. Its ok and means nothing.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:05 PM on December 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 5:05 PM on December 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
Half of the time is pretty good. In terms of enjoying sex, it shouldn't be an issue. In terms of wanting to start a family one day, unreliable frequency can definitely be an issue.
posted by alusru at 5:35 PM on December 30, 2016
posted by alusru at 5:35 PM on December 30, 2016
He sounds cool. Enjoy your side of it.
posted by goalyeehah at 5:46 PM on December 30, 2016
posted by goalyeehah at 5:46 PM on December 30, 2016
Same thing happened to me when I was on SSRIs. It never bothered me when I couldn't come unless someone was making a big deal out of it. You need to leave this alone and take his word for it.
posted by blackzinfandel at 7:02 AM on December 31, 2016
posted by blackzinfandel at 7:02 AM on December 31, 2016
Agree with others about not pressuring him. Question...is he using a condom? I can tell you that for me and probably most guys using a condom greatly reduces the sensation of sex and therefore makes it much harder to cum. Now I'm NOT I repeat NOT saying don't use a condom. I believe in safe sex and birth control. But if he is using a condom I would recommend experimenting with different types and brands. I find the Trojan double ecstasy condoms to be great...though some people don't like how they smell. But there are tons of brands and styles and the right condom really makes a difference. Hope this helps.
posted by ljs30 at 8:07 AM on December 31, 2016
posted by ljs30 at 8:07 AM on December 31, 2016
This is your opportunity to learn from your new guy how to stop treating sex like a goal-oriented activity and just be in it for as long as you're both happy to keep it going.
posted by flabdablet at 10:00 AM on December 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 10:00 AM on December 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
I am a guy who generally does not orgasm while having sex or, honestly, any kind of stimulation from a partner. This does not stop me from enjoying sex at all. If he does not see this as a problem, just trust that he means what he says and let it be. I have had partners in the past pressure me about this, and, really, that just made me feel more self conscious which made having sex in general more difficult.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:15 PM on December 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:15 PM on December 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
I've been him at times in the past, and attributed it to various combinations of SSRIs, condoms, relationship newness, and ... just the way my body behaved. I'll Nth all the advice to not treat it as a problem if he doesn't.
In fact, I'll flip that advice around. Long-lasting sex that leaves one's partner *very* satisfied has its own rewards for the guy: happiness for bringing her joy, vicarious turn-on, the plethora of physical pleasures from feeling a woman orgasm while you're in her and she's in your arms, and (since we are guys) a nice sense of achievement. *Do* tell him how you're enjoying the hell out of those times with him, and trust that he is too. I won't toot my own, uh, horn by repeating things I've been told in that situation, but they definitely made me feel better about the sex and myself, while also enriching our general connectedness.
It sounds like this guy's a keeper in many relationship aspects, and I wish you both well.
posted by NumberSix at 5:12 PM on December 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
In fact, I'll flip that advice around. Long-lasting sex that leaves one's partner *very* satisfied has its own rewards for the guy: happiness for bringing her joy, vicarious turn-on, the plethora of physical pleasures from feeling a woman orgasm while you're in her and she's in your arms, and (since we are guys) a nice sense of achievement. *Do* tell him how you're enjoying the hell out of those times with him, and trust that he is too. I won't toot my own, uh, horn by repeating things I've been told in that situation, but they definitely made me feel better about the sex and myself, while also enriching our general connectedness.
It sounds like this guy's a keeper in many relationship aspects, and I wish you both well.
posted by NumberSix at 5:12 PM on December 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
I have... a friend who had... similar orgasmic outcomes as you're describing.
After an LTR with someone who was insistent that sex MUST end in orgasms for all, every time, he started faking it. No joke.
If it's not a problem for him, it's not a problem for him. If it's a problem for you, adding performance pressure is not going to get you what you want.
posted by PMdixon at 8:16 AM on January 1, 2017
After an LTR with someone who was insistent that sex MUST end in orgasms for all, every time, he started faking it. No joke.
If it's not a problem for him, it's not a problem for him. If it's a problem for you, adding performance pressure is not going to get you what you want.
posted by PMdixon at 8:16 AM on January 1, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
I am a woman and my (male) partner could have written this question about me. We are both happy and fulfilled in our relationship.
posted by charmedimsure at 1:46 PM on December 30, 2016 [39 favorites]