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June 4, 2013 7:57 PM   Subscribe

A NSFW question about achieving a particular female orgasm...

I'm a heterosexual woman in my mid 20s. I've been masturbating since I was 12 and been sexually active with men and the occasional woman since I was 16. I consider myself fairly experienced and familiar with my body, and I enjoy a healthy happy sex life with my current SO, who makes me come frequently through oral sex and manual stimulation. I also sometimes masturbate to orgasm in front of him and am totally comfortable with that. I am capable of achieving orgasm with or without a vibrator.

With all that said, it's been my fantasy for a long time to have an orgasm during intercourse. I've always masturbated with direct or indirect clitoral stimulation and that is the easiest way for me to orgasm. To be very clear, I don't care if I orgasm from vaginal or clitoral stimulation -- I just want to have an orgasm while having intercourse with my partner.

Plenty of men have been totally open to stimulating my clit manually or with a vibrator during intercourse, or asking me to do it myself, but I find that it's really hard to "focus" on clitoral stimulation while I'm also having vaginal intercourse. It also seems that I need constant pressure and stimulation to orgasm, so something like a vibrating cock ring would be fun and pleasurable but I would need my partner to stay still fully inside me in order to actually orgasm from it. Another thing I have tried is taking a relatively long break (a few weeks) from orgasming (through partner sex, masturbation, anything, etc) before having intercourse -- still nada. Finally, yet another technique that hasn't delivered is getting right "to the edge" of orgasm and then starting to have intercourse: I either fall over the edge and come before being penetrated, or lose it completely and don't come at all. (As a sidebar, typing all of this stuff out really gives me sympathy for men who seem to be under wayyy more societal pressure to control and time their orgasms and arousal).

By coincidence my trusty Gigi vibrator just broke (a purchase last year with the intention of training myself to have G-spot orgasms... never came even close, so it's always been used externally) so I have two questions:

1) In general, have you ever been a woman like me OR had a partner like me who DID find a way to orgasm during intercourse? How did you do it? What advice can you give me that is more specific than "just focus on how you're feeling and the orgasm will happen"? I'm a highly sexual person who's had unfettered internet access since puberty, so please assume that I have read all such cliché platitudes about how to have an orgasm (especially the ones that claim that the stress of wanting to have an orgasm will prevent me from having one; spare me).

2) More specifically, is there a particular vibrator or sex toy that you think would help me achieve my goal? The Gigi needs to be replaced and if I'm going to throw down another $100 on a sex toy I'd like it to be one that will specifically get me where I'm trying to go, so to speak.

Here's a throwaway email address:
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total) 27 users marked this as a favorite

I would suggest a mini-vibe for direct clitoral stimulation, with rear-entry penetration. If you guys do this is a side-laying position, it has the added advantage of being able to more or less ignore your partner and focus on yourself.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:06 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm similar to you and thought I would never come during intercourse. The following things:

1) A lot of grinding, of his, idk, pelvic bone? on my clitoris. Not sure how to describe it but when he's really far inside me and still rocking against me, not pulling very far out, and there's a lot of pressure on/near my clit. It's kind of like, not pulling out at all but still thrusting in.
2) Making sure that my clit is "free," lol-- you know how when you're penetrated, it can kind of pull your labia down tight? I sometimes reach down and pull up on my labia to make sure there can be more direct clitoral contact. Might only be a thing for ladies with longer labia.
2) Focusing very intently on a really intense moment of an intense fantasy.
3) Relaxing and "focusing" all my energy on my clitoris region-- if I think too hard about the feeling of penetration or g-spot stimulation, I'm just veering all over the place. But I kind of "visualize" my stimulation in the clit area, and, idk.

Also, me on top makes it much easier for me to rub my clit as hard as I want and in long "strokes," instead of quick non-lingering thrusts. I've gotten relatively good at this so I can do it for awhile before the more thrust-y part of sex (when my boyfriend usually comes) or after he's come, while he's still hard.

Anyway, lots of TMI there, but I hope some of it helps! I've never tried using a vibrator but I think it would be awesome and could be combined with some of the above, hopefully.
posted by stoneandstar at 8:11 PM on June 4, 2013

Well, this exists now, so maybe it will help you in your experimentation? It seems like it would allow for a lot of flexibility on your end and once you got comfortable your partner could join it.

Good luck!
posted by pretentious illiterate at 8:18 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

but I would need my partner to stay still fully inside me in order to actually orgasm from it
You say this like it's a bad thing. For me, it's the BEST PART.

With or without cock ring, have you tried intercourse with long periods of full penetration and lots of pelvic grinding but minimal on the ole in-out-in-out? That will provide the constant pressure you're after.
posted by drlith at 8:30 PM on June 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

So I'm a guy so take my advice with that caveat but I have two things to mention.

First, this video on how to manually bring a female partner to orgasm has been instructive for me so while its not through intercourse it might help. NSFW of course.

Second, the industry standard sex toy for cliteral and outer vaginal stimulation is the hitachi magic wand. It's what the people at use and it seems pretty much foolproof. It doesn't look very "sexy" but the results are supposed to be impressive. If you give it to a male partner and ask them to use it it should work. As far as feelings go I might mention to my partner that they weren't bad in bad just that you have a hard time cumming. People can be sensitive. Link below possibly nsfw.
posted by ishrinkmajeans at 8:36 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Why not try the We Vibe?
posted by fox problems at 8:37 PM on June 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

Without getting into too many specifics:

1) I gave up the vibrator and just did not have any orgasms for something like 10 months before being able to get there with the future ex. (Prior to that, all orgasms were from masturbation while alone. I was "frigid" with a partner.)

2) Woman on top on the floor can help make sure you get adequate clitoral stimulation. It is more stable than a bed. You have more control.

I essentially never went back to a vibrator. I don't have issues reaching orgasm these days.

Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 9:03 PM on June 4, 2013

The new webcomic Oh Joy Sex Toy just reviewed the We Vibe (can't do links on my phone, but it's easily Googleable) and it sounds like that might be fun to try in your situation.
posted by linettasky at 9:20 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Data point: I have tried the WeVibe, and while it was fun, it didn't make me orgasm during intercourse. Just seemed like too much going on and not in the right places. Your anatomy may vary...
posted by exceptinsects at 9:33 PM on June 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

1. Get a bullet vibe and put it between you (when you're in any sort of front-to-front position). You can grind against each other and it's pretty awesome. I refer to it as me (girl) screwing him, or me screwing myself on him. It's a nice deep feeling.

2. Get a vibe with a longer handle, or something you can secure into place for handsfree fun, and then have your partner behind you while you have control over the vibe underneath. This one really only works with something like the VibeRite (cordless multispeed version of the Hitachi Magic Wand) or if you have loooong arms ;)
posted by Madamina at 9:59 PM on June 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

Did I miss this in the question - is being on top not an option?

All the contact and control I think you might be looking for.

Incidentally, I'm going to nth giving up the vibrators. Sometimes I miss them when I'm alone, but never with my husband. The vibrators are like turbo charge stimulation, and while zippy, dependence on them robs you of the pleasure from feeling your partner when you are being intimate. YMMV.
posted by jbenben at 11:24 PM on June 4, 2013

I know you've tried using a vibrator on your clit during sex, but what type of vibrators? Have you used anything like a Hitachi Magic Wand? This provides constant, hard, firm pressure and all you have to do it hold it in one spot. Obviously not everyone is the same but I can attest to this working when cock rings and other vibes (especially bullets which are finicky, difficult to keep in place and not strong enough) during sex just aren't quite enough and seem to get in the way more than anything else.
posted by Polychrome at 3:31 AM on June 5, 2013

Have you heard of the Cat position? (Coital Alignment Technique). It's basically what stoneandstar was describing. It's a missionary position where the guy kind of grinds rather than thrusts - or thrusts very shallowly - so the base of his penis is directly stimulating your clitoris, and you arch your body up to meet him. It takes some practice and relies on him not thrusting too much, especially when he's close to orgasm, so you'd need good communication with your partner. Here are a couple of links and I know there are a few youtube demonstration videos. Have fun!
posted by billiebee at 4:16 AM on June 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Would something as simple as a vibrating cockring work for you?
posted by Thorzdad at 6:36 AM on June 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Anecdotally, it happened to me as part of a broader change in partners and evolution in what I like. When I started, I liked clitoral fingering best, followed by oral, whereas penetration did absolutely nothing at all for me. A few years later with a different partner, I liked oral best, followed by fingering, and penetration was starting to feel a bit pleasurable. A few years later still, with a different partner, penetration was my favorite thing ever, oral was just okay, and I didn't like fingering almost at all. With this partner, I slowly noticed myself learning to come just from penetration... at first only once every month or two, progressing to every week, and then to every other day. Definitely woman on top is the position that worked best, and we weren't using any sex toys. The shape of his cock may have played a role - it was shorter and wider. The other thing was that I started noticing the smaller peaks of pleasure that weren't quite an orgasm, and enjoying those in their own right, and then giving myself a bit more stimulation (e.g. by grinding) at the same time to result in an actual orgasm some of the time.
posted by danceswithlight at 8:08 AM on June 5, 2013

A position that works for me is if I lie on my back with my butt at the edge of the bed, and he stands beside the bed, allowing him to both penetrate and rub my clitoris at the same time. I find there's a nice synergy in that position between pressure on the front vaginal wall and clitoral stimulation, but your and your partners' anatomy may vary. We have a fairly high bed but have made it work with lower beds, though it's not as convenient. You could also try a table or desk.
posted by Compared to what? at 8:44 AM on June 5, 2013

Woman on top, sit far back on his penis, and grind on his pubic bone. The grinding motion, for me, is like normal sex thrusting but shallower and with your clit constantly in contact with his skin. It helps if the guy leans up on his elbows because you will be grinding against his lower abdominal muscles. This is my technique for coming, basically every time, during penetrative sexy times.
posted by saltwater at 8:50 AM on June 5, 2013

You might try penetration with a toy while you masturbate — either just having a dildo inside you without moving it around, or moving it around yourself, or if you get the hang of those, handing him the reins so to speak and letting him penetrate you with the toy while you do other things. (That last option would also help him learn what sorts of penetration work for you and what sorts don't.)
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 10:05 AM on June 5, 2013

had an ex that used to grind on my pubic bone. It worked for her.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:49 AM on June 5, 2013

Have you tried having him penetrate you from behind while you grind against something (like the corner of an ottoman or the bed, or a pile of pillows/towels (maybe with a vibrator on top))? You can incorporate your and/or his hand(s) in that position, too.
posted by argonauta at 11:32 AM on June 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

The We Vibe is totally worth the investment and was invented for exactly this. It's a great toy.
posted by Lutoslawski at 11:41 AM on June 5, 2013

I'm like you, its very difficult for me to come during intercourse. The only position that sometimes works for me (but not always) is to be on top, but like laying on top not straddling, like thighs laying on top of thighs..that way I can control the rhythm and get some clit stimulation against his pelvis. Its a little difficult to get into this position but I'm sure you can figure it out :)
posted by hellameangirl at 11:49 AM on June 5, 2013

I recently read Mary Roach's book "Bonk" about sex research... very funny and worth a read.

An incredible amount of scientific research has gone into the female orgasm during vaginal sex.

It turns out that even post Kinsey and Masters and Johnson, the sex toy world has solved more of the mystery for many people than anything else.

getting a partner who is willing to try some tantric exercises (shut up haters!) with you might help too. Someone who is open minded, can keep an erection for an hour or so and wants to learn a new trick or two can have a lot of fun just breathing and wearing a vibrating cock ring while you determine what, if any movement is going to happen.

Whether you believe in the power of focusing your sexual energy or not... you can train yourself to be more mindful and feel more.

I have found that once people have found their rhythm or trigger point in this situation, no matter how "awkward first time on a bicycle" it might seem... you can both learn a new trick, and it gets easier.

and of course, when you are orgasming, your partner might start moving again and kick it up a notch.
posted by bobdow at 12:01 PM on June 5, 2013

Grinding while holding still inside.
posted by ead at 12:43 PM on June 5, 2013

If you need him to stay hard for a long grind and that motion for whatever reason doesn't keep him hard (I presume some guys get off on the in-out more than the rotation), perhaps some recreational Viagra or Cialis?

posted by lalochezia at 6:41 AM on June 6, 2013

From a user who would prefer to remain anon:
I'm a 31-yo woman with similar frustrations trying to achieve orgasm during intercourse, but there is one position that has worked really well for me. The guy lays on one side facing you, and you lay on your back at a right angle to him, with your butt in front of his pelvis, your knees bent over his middle, and your feet resting on the bed behind his butt. You might need to use hands to get him to enter you, because he's sort of "pointed" towards your side, rather than your front or back. Having your body not quite at a right angle, maybe 70 degrees between his chest and your arm, might be closer to the truth. You do most of the motion, either a slight up and down with your hips, or else sort of pulling yourself toward him with your calves and then relaxing. He doesn't really have any leverage in this position, so his job is basically just to not tip over while you're moving. There's not a lot of piston-like in-and-out, it's just subtle movement of an inch or two. Obviously this works best on a large surface like a bed, because you're not going to fit on a couch like this.

The great thing is that this gives either of you completely free access to your clit, without any crazy arm-cramping angles. For me at least, it's basically like I'm in position to masturbate but magically my husband is also inside of me without his body being in the way. Personally I haven't been able to orgasm just from penetration without any clitoral stimulation, so being able to get a hand in the right place is key. (I am looking forward to trying the CAT method mentioned by a few other answerers, though!) I like this position a lot better than being on top, too, because I can relax more - no trying to support your whole body weight with your thighs, no trying to keep your balance, no temptation of wanting to lean in for a kiss/muscle break and then realizing that your hand or his hand is getting crushed. Personally I also find the internal stimulation on the side of the vagina to be a lot more pleasurable than the usual front or back walls, maybe just because it's novel. If one side doesn't do it for you, try laying the opposite way (so his head is to your left vs. to your right). My husband thought this position was too much work until I really got him to believe that he didn't have to do any thrusting, all he had to do was stay up on his side. Now the only reason we don't do this all the time is that it's not a very snuggly position -- I actually can't think of any way you could get farther away from each other and still be having intercourse. But sometimes that can be good if you're trying to focus on your own pleasure. And after you BOTH orgasm :) it's easy to lift your hips to disconnect and then swing yourself around to get spooned, since he's already in position for that.
posted by jessamyn at 8:07 AM on June 6, 2013 [5 favorites]

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