Everything will work out because magic
December 18, 2016 1:37 PM Subscribe
I'm pregnant and due in February and terrified of loosing my job because I can't find childcare. I have no family help, my fiance is useless, and I don't qualify for FMLA. I need tips, strategies, hope, anything to help with cobbling together somewhere for a kid to go and/or extending my leave.
After not conceiving for about 2 years, I forgot about structuring my life around being prepared for a baby and took a new job. I love this job. It's with a good organization, has great benefits, pays the most I've ever made (25/hr full time) and I like the people I work with. I found out about 2 weeks after starting that I was pregnant. My first instinct was to not tell anyone and give myself time to think about if I wanted to go through with it at such bad timing. I ultimately decided that it wouldn't be fair to leave my fiance out of such knowledge and also that I was getting "old" for a first timer (32) so I should take my chances and go through with it.
Now I feel like I've set myself up for failure and an imploding life. Because I will not have been in my current position for 12 months, I do not qualify for FMLA. I will get 6 weeks of short term disability and then need to go back to work to keep my job. This is in PA. I've been trying to find childcare, but keep hitting dead ends with either 6 weeks being too young or waitlists / no space available for when I would need to go back. The prices also sting a bit, but I have savings i can part with to fund care in a center or home based center, only a nanny in my house is undoable money wise. My search is getting more desperate as time goes by and it's insanely stressful on top of the fact that I am dead tired and feel like shit 90% of the time.
My fiance and family only make me feel worse. They both think I should just drop out of the workforce and stay home. I DO NOT WANT to be a stay at home mom because I'm the one with access to health insurance through my employer, I have huge amounts of anxiety over not being able to support myself, and I feel like it would be throwing away everything I've worked for since I got out of school a decade ago. I thought my mom would understand, as she was a full time working married mom, but her response is to just say "things have a way of working out!" My fiance's approach seems to be to do nothing and ignore the problem in the hope that I just don't find something and get cornered into staying home through being fired. They talk to each other and it almost feels like they are conspiring to convince me that staying home is the only way. That I should feel blessed to have such an opportunity to not work. But it would make me feel like a dependent loser, selling myself short, and setting myself way back in the competitive job market. I don't have any friends to network through to get leads. I try to talk to people at work, but at the same time, I don't want to give away how flimsy my return to work plan is.
This baby I thought I would want feels like a flaming turd in a bag left on my door step. I fantasize about just leaving it at the hospital. How can I find care fast for a very young infant to stabilize my life?
After not conceiving for about 2 years, I forgot about structuring my life around being prepared for a baby and took a new job. I love this job. It's with a good organization, has great benefits, pays the most I've ever made (25/hr full time) and I like the people I work with. I found out about 2 weeks after starting that I was pregnant. My first instinct was to not tell anyone and give myself time to think about if I wanted to go through with it at such bad timing. I ultimately decided that it wouldn't be fair to leave my fiance out of such knowledge and also that I was getting "old" for a first timer (32) so I should take my chances and go through with it.
Now I feel like I've set myself up for failure and an imploding life. Because I will not have been in my current position for 12 months, I do not qualify for FMLA. I will get 6 weeks of short term disability and then need to go back to work to keep my job. This is in PA. I've been trying to find childcare, but keep hitting dead ends with either 6 weeks being too young or waitlists / no space available for when I would need to go back. The prices also sting a bit, but I have savings i can part with to fund care in a center or home based center, only a nanny in my house is undoable money wise. My search is getting more desperate as time goes by and it's insanely stressful on top of the fact that I am dead tired and feel like shit 90% of the time.
My fiance and family only make me feel worse. They both think I should just drop out of the workforce and stay home. I DO NOT WANT to be a stay at home mom because I'm the one with access to health insurance through my employer, I have huge amounts of anxiety over not being able to support myself, and I feel like it would be throwing away everything I've worked for since I got out of school a decade ago. I thought my mom would understand, as she was a full time working married mom, but her response is to just say "things have a way of working out!" My fiance's approach seems to be to do nothing and ignore the problem in the hope that I just don't find something and get cornered into staying home through being fired. They talk to each other and it almost feels like they are conspiring to convince me that staying home is the only way. That I should feel blessed to have such an opportunity to not work. But it would make me feel like a dependent loser, selling myself short, and setting myself way back in the competitive job market. I don't have any friends to network through to get leads. I try to talk to people at work, but at the same time, I don't want to give away how flimsy my return to work plan is.
This baby I thought I would want feels like a flaming turd in a bag left on my door step. I fantasize about just leaving it at the hospital. How can I find care fast for a very young infant to stabilize my life?
I would focus on finding a childcare center that will take your baby at the standard age (3 months?) and then work on finding temporary care for your child to fill in the gaps- there are nanny shares- where two families share one nanny, there are stay at home moms who take in children. Could your mom and inlaws each take a week? Does your fiance have leave? Can he take some time?
I don't have advice for your family or fiance, but know that you will love your baby, and your feelings right now are related to the stress of your situation. It is well within your right to want to work, and in reality, you will most likely need to work for financial reasons.
posted by momochan at 1:57 PM on December 18, 2016 [12 favorites]
I don't have advice for your family or fiance, but know that you will love your baby, and your feelings right now are related to the stress of your situation. It is well within your right to want to work, and in reality, you will most likely need to work for financial reasons.
posted by momochan at 1:57 PM on December 18, 2016 [12 favorites]
Your fiancé needs to get real and grow up fast. Health insurance is no joke. Time for a serious talk so he understands either you're a connected team or you're taking the helm and he's paying child support, married or not.
posted by spitbull at 1:58 PM on December 18, 2016 [54 favorites]
posted by spitbull at 1:58 PM on December 18, 2016 [54 favorites]
No, no. The baby is not the flaming turd in a bag. Your mother and fiancé are! Holy shit, they are terrible.
What sort of financial contribution is your fiancé making towards childcare? Long story short, two working parents should be able to afford some kind of nanny or daycare. If he's not contributing, please let us know. Maybe you qualify for some sort of single parent assistance?
You should reach out and see if anyone in your friend network knows of a person or situation that might work. You might also post your city or let folks know via memail, because gosh darn it Mefites can be resourceful.
Stay strong.
Upon Preview: Please do not tell your fiancé you dream of abandoning your baby. I assume that's hyperbole, but something in this relationship is sideways and I don't want how you express distress used against you. Fuck yeah, though, counseling to establish some ground rules seems wise.
posted by jbenben at 1:59 PM on December 18, 2016 [14 favorites]
What sort of financial contribution is your fiancé making towards childcare? Long story short, two working parents should be able to afford some kind of nanny or daycare. If he's not contributing, please let us know. Maybe you qualify for some sort of single parent assistance?
You should reach out and see if anyone in your friend network knows of a person or situation that might work. You might also post your city or let folks know via memail, because gosh darn it Mefites can be resourceful.
Stay strong.
Upon Preview: Please do not tell your fiancé you dream of abandoning your baby. I assume that's hyperbole, but something in this relationship is sideways and I don't want how you express distress used against you. Fuck yeah, though, counseling to establish some ground rules seems wise.
posted by jbenben at 1:59 PM on December 18, 2016 [14 favorites]
This group offers postpartum help in PA. Perhaps they would have a list of resources for women with needs like yours.
As for your fiance... I hope there's more to the story because, by your description, he sounds like a dud.
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 1:59 PM on December 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
As for your fiance... I hope there's more to the story because, by your description, he sounds like a dud.
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 1:59 PM on December 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
Nthing that some kind of nanny share for the short term is possible and you might reach out to other new moms you meet online or similar. Also, ask the nannies at your local park. Those ladies have an informal network. Ask new moms at the park. Somebody knows the right person.
posted by jbenben at 2:05 PM on December 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 2:05 PM on December 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
If your employer offers an Employee Assistance Program and you're eligible, make an appointment with them. An EAP offers (limited) free counseling and can provide referrals if you end up wanting/needing something longer-term. You're dealing with a lot of stress and talking about it to a professional can be a big relief.
posted by brianogilvie at 2:05 PM on December 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by brianogilvie at 2:05 PM on December 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
There are possibly stones that you're not turning. Have you told everyone in your area that you're looking for childcare? There may be some home-based daycares that will take a baby that young.
Are you in an urban area? Nanny shares are common and while expensive can be a temporary solution. Get on your local parenting listservs and Facebook groups to find this out.
I'm with the previous poster that said that you should secure a spot in a program for when your baby is X months old. Could you swing a nanny for 3 months (or whenever you get the daycare spot)?
I'd also think about setting up a budget... Besides the healthcare could you, fiance, and baby get by on just his salary? That might prove the point to others.
Hugs.
posted by k8t at 2:06 PM on December 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
Are you in an urban area? Nanny shares are common and while expensive can be a temporary solution. Get on your local parenting listservs and Facebook groups to find this out.
I'm with the previous poster that said that you should secure a spot in a program for when your baby is X months old. Could you swing a nanny for 3 months (or whenever you get the daycare spot)?
I'd also think about setting up a budget... Besides the healthcare could you, fiance, and baby get by on just his salary? That might prove the point to others.
Hugs.
posted by k8t at 2:06 PM on December 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
Some childcare options that you might not have explored:
1.) in home care. Some stay at home moms in my area will take care of another kid during the work week. Try looking in mom's groups for women like that.
2.) nanny shares. There are definitely women in your area who would love to split the cost of a nanny and have some socialization for their kids.
Good luck!
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 2:07 PM on December 18, 2016
1.) in home care. Some stay at home moms in my area will take care of another kid during the work week. Try looking in mom's groups for women like that.
2.) nanny shares. There are definitely women in your area who would love to split the cost of a nanny and have some socialization for their kids.
Good luck!
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 2:07 PM on December 18, 2016
Seconding the networking thing. Find out about local mums-to-be groups, and just go. Ask about resources for mums with young kids. Ask at daycares if they know about list servs, google groups, etc. And so on. Just keep doing it and plugging away at it. Also, I'm not sure how comfortable you are with this as a strategy, but it might be worth passing by local park playgrounds etc. and trying to strike up some conversations with parents with young kids. I understand though if you are not comfortable with this.
I am on parent list servs etc. - which btw are not magic solutions in themselves but can be very helpful - but I only found out about them once I started hanging out at local parks with the kiddo, and people talked to me. I think you're much less likely to just come across them. Good luck!
posted by life moves pretty fast at 2:13 PM on December 18, 2016
I am on parent list servs etc. - which btw are not magic solutions in themselves but can be very helpful - but I only found out about them once I started hanging out at local parks with the kiddo, and people talked to me. I think you're much less likely to just come across them. Good luck!
posted by life moves pretty fast at 2:13 PM on December 18, 2016
I'm the one with access to health insurance through my employer
So he should stay home with the baby. Does he have a good excuse for why this isn't the obvious answer? I mean, I completely understand why you wouldn't want to put this person in sole charge of a young child, it's not that I think you should try to convince him to do it, but what is his argument for why he can't do it?
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:15 PM on December 18, 2016 [57 favorites]
So he should stay home with the baby. Does he have a good excuse for why this isn't the obvious answer? I mean, I completely understand why you wouldn't want to put this person in sole charge of a young child, it's not that I think you should try to convince him to do it, but what is his argument for why he can't do it?
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:15 PM on December 18, 2016 [57 favorites]
I'm a working mom with a supportive partner but no other help other than day care and it's hard - I'd much rather be a single parent than to put up with someone who is anything less than proactive and helpful. I need to work financially, but also personally - it adds some much needed balance to the intensity of being a mom.
It's not the baby, it's your fiancé and family that deserve the feelings of abandonment. They're being awful.
Is there a local college - esp one with a early childhood education department? You might be able to find a student taking late afternoon/evening classes, or two students who don't have class every day who could cover the week together.
Ask your OB/hospital. My local hospital organises mothers' groups, and they might be able to get you in touch with other women due around the same time. Another way to meet them might be to go to a bunch of labour/birthing/nursing classes or hospital tours. I'd also try to go to playgroups - lots of those moms are home, at least some of the time (and some on kid no. 2 or 3), and might be willing to take care of yours or know others etc...
posted by jrobin276 at 2:17 PM on December 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
It's not the baby, it's your fiancé and family that deserve the feelings of abandonment. They're being awful.
Is there a local college - esp one with a early childhood education department? You might be able to find a student taking late afternoon/evening classes, or two students who don't have class every day who could cover the week together.
Ask your OB/hospital. My local hospital organises mothers' groups, and they might be able to get you in touch with other women due around the same time. Another way to meet them might be to go to a bunch of labour/birthing/nursing classes or hospital tours. I'd also try to go to playgroups - lots of those moms are home, at least some of the time (and some on kid no. 2 or 3), and might be willing to take care of yours or know others etc...
posted by jrobin276 at 2:17 PM on December 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
If your fiancé has access to FMLA leave, he could take some after you go back to work to cover childcare.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:22 PM on December 18, 2016 [18 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:22 PM on December 18, 2016 [18 favorites]
Is your husband in a position to get FMLA? It's not just for the birthing parent.
posted by tchemgrrl at 2:27 PM on December 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by tchemgrrl at 2:27 PM on December 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
I hate making suggestions that require the fiance to be decent and helpful, because what are the chances? if it was easy to make that happen you wouldn't be in this trouble. but could you get him to talk seriously about how he will care for his infant or toddler if you were to die suddenly, become disabled, or disappear on him without a forwarding address? (maybe don't mention the last one, or maybe do.)
this is something he ought to have a plan for anyway, it's not just subterfuge. but maybe he will have an idea that you can repurpose for yourself. my guess is that he will think desperate times call for desperate measures, so of course in case of disaster he would get (his mom, your mom, some woman, any woman) to do the childcare for him for free or for low cost. but maybe there is some other idea he'll have, if he's thinking about it as a hypothetical problem for himself and not a real problem for you.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:37 PM on December 18, 2016
this is something he ought to have a plan for anyway, it's not just subterfuge. but maybe he will have an idea that you can repurpose for yourself. my guess is that he will think desperate times call for desperate measures, so of course in case of disaster he would get (his mom, your mom, some woman, any woman) to do the childcare for him for free or for low cost. but maybe there is some other idea he'll have, if he's thinking about it as a hypothetical problem for himself and not a real problem for you.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:37 PM on December 18, 2016
It varies, but have you tried NextDoor? I see child care questions all the time on mine.
At the very least, you can let your fingers do the walking, form new connections with other local moms, and feel less alone. Stay strong, you sound like a wonderful mom.
posted by invisible ink at 2:38 PM on December 18, 2016
At the very least, you can let your fingers do the walking, form new connections with other local moms, and feel less alone. Stay strong, you sound like a wonderful mom.
posted by invisible ink at 2:38 PM on December 18, 2016
Response by poster: My fiance has his own small business. He does not qualify for FMLA. He makes almost double what I do depending on the year, which is why he won't be home full time, but he has said he can stay home a week or 2 and that is part of my stopgap plan after I have to go back. Health insurance is a big stick in the mud.
posted by WeekendJen at 2:38 PM on December 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by WeekendJen at 2:38 PM on December 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Oh and his family doesn't live in the country, but I have asked him to talk to his friends, some of whom have stay at home wives and I haven't seen any sincere effort there, so that's part of the stress he's causing.
posted by WeekendJen at 2:41 PM on December 18, 2016
posted by WeekendJen at 2:41 PM on December 18, 2016
This is an egregious violation by your fiance. I'd be at the point where I'd tell him that either he finds a way to stay home with the baby for 6 weeks after your leave is up, or you'll be leaving him and filing for child support sufficient to pay for a nanny. In fact, I'd talk to a lawyer now about what his financial obligations are as the unmarried father of a newborn who will have expensive childcare needs, just so you know what your options are. Because if you fiance is this manipulative now, you'll want to know down the line what your exit options are, because this will only get worse. (IAAL, IANAFamilyL, TINLA)
posted by decathecting at 3:00 PM on December 18, 2016 [17 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 3:00 PM on December 18, 2016 [17 favorites]
Health insurance is the cost of a nanny for 25 hrs/wk, and it's not like medical care for a postpartum mother and a newborn is necessarily going to be cheaper than the cost of the insurance.
Nanny shares and home daycare are the obvious options if you can find them. If you are in an urban area, the local mother's mailing lists or Facebook groups are likely sources of other people looking for nanny shares at the same time.
Get on waiting lists for childcare, even if the age limit is a while away. Many (most?) decent centers don't require a wait list deposit.
Plan for you husband to do at least part of the daytime parenting for a few months and fill in with babysitters.
Aside from those options, you are basically left with the options that your mother's generation had:
1) talk to your job about what you can do for leave in lieu of FMLA.
2) Prepare to job hunt with a newborn, maybe even beginning in the third trimester. Do everything you can to get your resume ready, credentials updated, networking contacts made. Babysitters lined up in case you need an interview. This sucks (I've done it for non-leave related reasons), and it isn't as easy as it was 30 years ago, but it's an option a lot of American women end up with.
And honestly, pick multiple choices, because there's a chance that you may need more options. You may not be able to go back at 6 weeks out (and if that's the case, you are really going to need health insurance. I'm so sorry your are in this position. No one should be forced to go back to work six weeks out from childbirth, but your fiance hoping you get fired is being both a terrible partner and terrible parent-to-be.)
posted by sputzie at 3:02 PM on December 18, 2016
Nanny shares and home daycare are the obvious options if you can find them. If you are in an urban area, the local mother's mailing lists or Facebook groups are likely sources of other people looking for nanny shares at the same time.
Get on waiting lists for childcare, even if the age limit is a while away. Many (most?) decent centers don't require a wait list deposit.
Plan for you husband to do at least part of the daytime parenting for a few months and fill in with babysitters.
Aside from those options, you are basically left with the options that your mother's generation had:
1) talk to your job about what you can do for leave in lieu of FMLA.
2) Prepare to job hunt with a newborn, maybe even beginning in the third trimester. Do everything you can to get your resume ready, credentials updated, networking contacts made. Babysitters lined up in case you need an interview. This sucks (I've done it for non-leave related reasons), and it isn't as easy as it was 30 years ago, but it's an option a lot of American women end up with.
And honestly, pick multiple choices, because there's a chance that you may need more options. You may not be able to go back at 6 weeks out (and if that's the case, you are really going to need health insurance. I'm so sorry your are in this position. No one should be forced to go back to work six weeks out from childbirth, but your fiance hoping you get fired is being both a terrible partner and terrible parent-to-be.)
posted by sputzie at 3:02 PM on December 18, 2016
Long shot, but since you're so personally and professionally unsupported where you are: Does your company have locations in other states, and would transferring be an option?
posted by furtive_jackanapes at 4:08 PM on December 18, 2016
posted by furtive_jackanapes at 4:08 PM on December 18, 2016
Arghhhhhh. I'm so sorry. But congratulations on becoming a mom!
I think you should ask your mom to do childcare.
It'd be cool if someone from his family could come and help you guys too. That's kind of old country, but if you're going to be involved with this dude for the rest of your life, might as well see if that's a possibility?
Don't feel guilty about leaving your baby in care with other people. A nanny share would be great, no, if he's making as much as you say he's making? I'd say go ahead and pay for that, as irrational as it may seem. Out of your own pocket, if you have to. Yeah, don't let anyone take your job away from you.
It's obviously not about the health insurance. I mean I guess he could buy Obamacare or whatever. It's about like basic feminism. Why does he get to pick your job just because you have the female reproductive organs?
I mean I think you should try an intervention or something, one last time. Maybe like inviting them both (your mom and him) to a meeting and explaining all of this.
I bet if you left he'd scramble to fix it and that's the stupidest part!
Sorry that it may seem right now that your baby isn't coming with a twinkle of love and good feelings around it - this is such a hard position to be in but I think the main thing is you have to hold firm about what you want, you're gonna make it.
posted by benadryl at 4:11 PM on December 18, 2016
I think you should ask your mom to do childcare.
It'd be cool if someone from his family could come and help you guys too. That's kind of old country, but if you're going to be involved with this dude for the rest of your life, might as well see if that's a possibility?
Don't feel guilty about leaving your baby in care with other people. A nanny share would be great, no, if he's making as much as you say he's making? I'd say go ahead and pay for that, as irrational as it may seem. Out of your own pocket, if you have to. Yeah, don't let anyone take your job away from you.
It's obviously not about the health insurance. I mean I guess he could buy Obamacare or whatever. It's about like basic feminism. Why does he get to pick your job just because you have the female reproductive organs?
I mean I think you should try an intervention or something, one last time. Maybe like inviting them both (your mom and him) to a meeting and explaining all of this.
I bet if you left he'd scramble to fix it and that's the stupidest part!
Sorry that it may seem right now that your baby isn't coming with a twinkle of love and good feelings around it - this is such a hard position to be in but I think the main thing is you have to hold firm about what you want, you're gonna make it.
posted by benadryl at 4:11 PM on December 18, 2016
1) Do not marry someone who is not willing to co-parent. Co-parenting includes finding child care and stepping up to provide child care if needed. Since he is self-employed, that could mean working an opposite shift from you, or bringing the baby to work with him.
2) Given how unsupportive your fiance is, do NOT risk losing this job. You may need it more than ever.
3) Is your mom willing to come take care of the baby for a week or two? Any younger siblings, cousins, etc. who might be willing to for $? Random friends from high school? People may be more willing to step up than you expect when you're in a desperate situation.
4) Any chance your employer will let you work fewer hours for your first few weeks back? I know it's less money, but easing in will help.
5) You can do this! I had to go back to work three weeks after my son was born. His father was useful, which obviously helped a lot, but even though it will suck in the moment, you'll be able to pull it off. Don't try to be supermom; you'll stumble through and the baby will be fine.
posted by metasarah at 4:14 PM on December 18, 2016 [13 favorites]
2) Given how unsupportive your fiance is, do NOT risk losing this job. You may need it more than ever.
3) Is your mom willing to come take care of the baby for a week or two? Any younger siblings, cousins, etc. who might be willing to for $? Random friends from high school? People may be more willing to step up than you expect when you're in a desperate situation.
4) Any chance your employer will let you work fewer hours for your first few weeks back? I know it's less money, but easing in will help.
5) You can do this! I had to go back to work three weeks after my son was born. His father was useful, which obviously helped a lot, but even though it will suck in the moment, you'll be able to pull it off. Don't try to be supermom; you'll stumble through and the baby will be fine.
posted by metasarah at 4:14 PM on December 18, 2016 [13 favorites]
As for your fiance...in my experience, there are a lot of men making $50/hr who don't take women who make $25/hr, or hell, even $35/hr seriously when they say they want to don't be SAMHs. If he doesn't value you wanting to keep your job, I don't see this getting easier because he sounds like a dangerous person to depend on. I agree with the above suggestion to chat with a lawyer. I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by blerghamot at 4:21 PM on December 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by blerghamot at 4:21 PM on December 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
You absolutely need your health insurance with a new baby. If your fiancé makes twice what you make he can and is legally obligated (no matter what he makes) to assist you whether or not you are together or he is enthuiastic. You are not on your own financially by law and if he has a successful business he will need to pay child support that will definitely be enough for child care.
If he makes such good money why doesn't he have health insurance? As a fiancé he can't be on your policy yet except as domestic partner depending on state etc. Are you paying for his health coverage too?
Know any lawyers?
posted by spitbull at 4:37 PM on December 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
If he makes such good money why doesn't he have health insurance? As a fiancé he can't be on your policy yet except as domestic partner depending on state etc. Are you paying for his health coverage too?
Know any lawyers?
posted by spitbull at 4:37 PM on December 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
If your fiancé makes twice what you make he can and is legally obligated (no matter what he makes) to assist you whether or not you are together or he is enthuiastic. You are not on your own financially by law and if he has a successful business he will need to pay child support that will definitely be enough for child care.
Is this so? Wow, great... I take back my answer.
posted by benadryl at 4:40 PM on December 18, 2016
Is this so? Wow, great... I take back my answer.
posted by benadryl at 4:40 PM on December 18, 2016
Of course. He fathered the child. A court will order him to pay support whether he sticks around or not. And if he has good income and assets to lose he will pay it.
posted by spitbull at 4:42 PM on December 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by spitbull at 4:42 PM on December 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
If you contribute to the household budget, stop. Start banking all of that money for childcare. If he complains, point out that not only will you guys lose out on your income, but he's going to have to cough up $X a month for health insurance once you've been fired if you can't find childcare. If he thinks you (or your child) having healthcare is negotiable*, I'd reconsider the relationship (and call a lawyer).
* If he has family abroad, does that mean he's from a country with better healthcare, and just does not understand what it means for you to be uninsured? Find an article elaborating on just how expensive healthcare and kids are here and have him read it.
posted by ghost phoneme at 4:59 PM on December 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
* If he has family abroad, does that mean he's from a country with better healthcare, and just does not understand what it means for you to be uninsured? Find an article elaborating on just how expensive healthcare and kids are here and have him read it.
posted by ghost phoneme at 4:59 PM on December 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
Have you spoken to your workplace about leave options? I mean, FMLA means that after you've worked at a place for 1 year they can't go out and replace you for 12 weeks, but there's nothing that actually prevents them from giving you unpaid leave earlier than the 1 year point. If you're valued at work they may decide that they'd rather have you be on unpaid leave for an extra 6 weeks even though they're not mandated to give it to you rather than have to replace you. If you have a reasonable manager, it's also OK to explain that your ability to return to work is going to be dependent on working something out.
Back when I was a hiring manager there were a couple of people who were entitled to 12 weeks of FMLA but who flat-out told me that they wanted 16 weeks off. They had advanced skill sets and the hassle and cost of covering for them for an extra 4 weeks was substantially less than finding someone new for that job and so they all got what they requested.
Don't stay home if you don't want to be a SAHM. Your reasons for wanting to continue work are good reasons, not that you need any reasons other than "I want to keep working."
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 5:33 PM on December 18, 2016 [9 favorites]
Back when I was a hiring manager there were a couple of people who were entitled to 12 weeks of FMLA but who flat-out told me that they wanted 16 weeks off. They had advanced skill sets and the hassle and cost of covering for them for an extra 4 weeks was substantially less than finding someone new for that job and so they all got what they requested.
Don't stay home if you don't want to be a SAHM. Your reasons for wanting to continue work are good reasons, not that you need any reasons other than "I want to keep working."
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 5:33 PM on December 18, 2016 [9 favorites]
If we consider that your fiance is part of your family, you will have a combined family income of about 150k a year. Is that right? Is your fiance not willing to pay for childcare?
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 6:02 PM on December 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 6:02 PM on December 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: My fiance is not withholding financial support, but is using the old math of "is it worth the wife working if x percent of her salary goes towards daycare?". With the cost of daycare and an increase in my transportation expenses (i currently take a bus to work, but if i had to add trips to daycare I would need to drive and a parking pass adds a cool $170 a month to the budget) then we would only be clearing about 300$ a month from my salary. So the argument is between that and the assumption that I would be doing all the run around to and fro, I would have a big schedule (leave house by 6:30am, get home around 6:30pm) that it's not worth it for me to work. My mom agrees up and down with this whole outlook while saying she can't provide childcare because she can't leave her job. I understand her not leaving her job but the... I can't wrap my brain around that with her trying to force me to something she herself didn't and still does not want to do.
But that ignores the health insurance part (he just buys his on the market and as a foreigner does not understand the level of fuck in the USA system) and the part about how I don't want to lose my career footing when I've finally just found it. I realize there are women who would love to be in my situation with regards to being able to stay home. I am not one of them.
posted by WeekendJen at 6:24 PM on December 18, 2016
But that ignores the health insurance part (he just buys his on the market and as a foreigner does not understand the level of fuck in the USA system) and the part about how I don't want to lose my career footing when I've finally just found it. I realize there are women who would love to be in my situation with regards to being able to stay home. I am not one of them.
posted by WeekendJen at 6:24 PM on December 18, 2016
So many options would be open if your mother or the baby's father were willing to lift a finger to help you. Do you have other relatives, such as siblings, who might be a better resource?
If the baby's father remains unwilling to take any leave from his own job, I don't suppose it would hurt to speak to HR at your own company to see if they could manage to extend your leave somehow.
If you have a church family, this is just the sort of thing they like to help with, if you're comfortable reaching out.
If I were a couple hundred miles to the south, I'd be on your doorstep mid-April in a Mary Poppins costume.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:29 PM on December 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
If the baby's father remains unwilling to take any leave from his own job, I don't suppose it would hurt to speak to HR at your own company to see if they could manage to extend your leave somehow.
If you have a church family, this is just the sort of thing they like to help with, if you're comfortable reaching out.
If I were a couple hundred miles to the south, I'd be on your doorstep mid-April in a Mary Poppins costume.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:29 PM on December 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
I am so, so sorry. I have had various patched-together childcare options fall through six times in the last two years and there is no other logistical issue that is this stressful. Nothing. I feel for you, and please know that millions of parents across the U.S. have faced similar crises at some point in their children's lives, and they all feel for you too. Reading into some of your statements, I get the feeling that you're internalizing this childcare problem as a reflection on you as a mother. It's not. It's a political problem - situations like this are the reason that 178 other countries provide paid leave.
Ok, the practical issue still exists (and I'm going to focus on the childcare stuff instead of the fiance stuff, which has been handled up thread). Here's what you can do:
1. Get on the waiting lists of multiple daycares, including those that start at 3 months (or even 6 months or a year). You will want to have more options down the line.
2. Find every local mom/parenting/nanny Facebook group and email list in your area and join.
3. Post on every one of these sites that you are looking for childcare in X month for you 6-week-old. You are open to nanny shares, stay-at-home parents looking for another kid, daycares that might have openings, anything. You may want to note that you're open to full- or part-time (sometimes it's easier to find stay-at-home parents who want to take on another kid part-time - you can combine two options like this).
4. Start interviewing nannies for a full-time position starting in March. You may not be able to afford a full-time nanny forever, but given your family's combined income, you can absolutely afford one from 6 weeks to 3 months. Determine the cost in your area and tell your fiance how much he will be putting aside for this (don't ask, tell). If he doesn't like the cost, he can help find other options.
5. Talk to your manager at work and ask if they would be willing to let you take some unpaid time. Don't sound apologetic - most human adults have children and you're not asking for a bonus, simply for the ability to come back to your job once you can get childcare.
Bottom line, this is incredibly stressful, but you are going to get through it. Actually interviewing nannies will help you know that you have a backup plan - while you might only need one for a month or so while you find something else, it will help alleviate the stress.
Wishing you the best of luck.
posted by leitmotif at 6:32 PM on December 18, 2016 [9 favorites]
Ok, the practical issue still exists (and I'm going to focus on the childcare stuff instead of the fiance stuff, which has been handled up thread). Here's what you can do:
1. Get on the waiting lists of multiple daycares, including those that start at 3 months (or even 6 months or a year). You will want to have more options down the line.
2. Find every local mom/parenting/nanny Facebook group and email list in your area and join.
3. Post on every one of these sites that you are looking for childcare in X month for you 6-week-old. You are open to nanny shares, stay-at-home parents looking for another kid, daycares that might have openings, anything. You may want to note that you're open to full- or part-time (sometimes it's easier to find stay-at-home parents who want to take on another kid part-time - you can combine two options like this).
4. Start interviewing nannies for a full-time position starting in March. You may not be able to afford a full-time nanny forever, but given your family's combined income, you can absolutely afford one from 6 weeks to 3 months. Determine the cost in your area and tell your fiance how much he will be putting aside for this (don't ask, tell). If he doesn't like the cost, he can help find other options.
5. Talk to your manager at work and ask if they would be willing to let you take some unpaid time. Don't sound apologetic - most human adults have children and you're not asking for a bonus, simply for the ability to come back to your job once you can get childcare.
Bottom line, this is incredibly stressful, but you are going to get through it. Actually interviewing nannies will help you know that you have a backup plan - while you might only need one for a month or so while you find something else, it will help alleviate the stress.
Wishing you the best of luck.
posted by leitmotif at 6:32 PM on December 18, 2016 [9 favorites]
Ask him how he's going to feel if his child cannot get the best medical care because of lack of insurance. Here are some anecdotes for him. Just skim it yourself; you don't need any more stress.
posted by amtho at 6:40 PM on December 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by amtho at 6:40 PM on December 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Are there any colleges near you with an early-childhood department? Sometimes they have childcare for young babies as part of the program. And if not, it might be a good place to source babysitters.
Have you pointed out how much it will be to buy health care for yourself and the baby if you give up your job? Because that might change the math a lot.
posted by blnkfrnk at 6:41 PM on December 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Have you pointed out how much it will be to buy health care for yourself and the baby if you give up your job? Because that might change the math a lot.
posted by blnkfrnk at 6:41 PM on December 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
People have covered the practical stuff. Get on all the waiting lists, get an interim babysitter/nanny/nanny-share for weeks 6-12, talk to your employer about your options, making it clear that you DO NOT want to leave the workforce. I was able to work out an off-the-books arrangement at the job I had when my son was born where I worked from home two days a week for the first couple months (newborns sleep a lot--or at least mine did).
On the "staying home because all the money goes to daycare" tip: if you are able to swing it at all, even "just" bringing in $300 when all is said and done, then that argument is bullshit. Needing daycare is temporary--it'll be 5 years, give or take. So, what's the plan after that? Because after 5 years out of the workforce, you will be at a huge disadvantage and may never get back to where you were. What's more: you'll have five fewer years of social security work credit, five fewer years worth of income in your 401k. And you won't have health insurance which is a massive WTF.
I'm sorry but your fiance sounds like someone who has thought about this for approximately 3 seconds and then checked out. That's not conducive to a long-lasting relationship and it's super not conducive to parenthood. I sincerely hope he comes around. I really, really do.
posted by soren_lorensen at 6:50 PM on December 18, 2016 [32 favorites]
On the "staying home because all the money goes to daycare" tip: if you are able to swing it at all, even "just" bringing in $300 when all is said and done, then that argument is bullshit. Needing daycare is temporary--it'll be 5 years, give or take. So, what's the plan after that? Because after 5 years out of the workforce, you will be at a huge disadvantage and may never get back to where you were. What's more: you'll have five fewer years of social security work credit, five fewer years worth of income in your 401k. And you won't have health insurance which is a massive WTF.
I'm sorry but your fiance sounds like someone who has thought about this for approximately 3 seconds and then checked out. That's not conducive to a long-lasting relationship and it's super not conducive to parenthood. I sincerely hope he comes around. I really, really do.
posted by soren_lorensen at 6:50 PM on December 18, 2016 [32 favorites]
Re my comments about leaving the workforce--that wasn't to make you panic or anything, that was to give you ammunition to counter the "it's not worth it, financially" argument. Because you get more from working than just your take-home income. You get your retirement money, you get your social security, you get your health care, you get the ability to keep earning more in the future. It's so much more than "just" $300/month and your mom and your fiance should be told this.
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:04 PM on December 18, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:04 PM on December 18, 2016 [10 favorites]
but is using the old math of "is it worth the wife working if x percent of her salary goes towards daycare?".
he doesn't have a wife yet and it sounds like he is doing his very best to keep it that way.
So you make $300 a month if you keep working. You make $0 a month if you stop working. let's see, 300 divided by nothing, carry the nothing...
--
this isn't math, this is control. if "we" would be clearing $300 a month then "we" are jointly responsible for child costs, not you alone. it is worth it for you to keep working because it is worth it to you and you fucking said so. and the math says it's profitable! $300 a month buys shitty health insurance where I live, that's not nothing.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:10 PM on December 18, 2016 [23 favorites]
he doesn't have a wife yet and it sounds like he is doing his very best to keep it that way.
So you make $300 a month if you keep working. You make $0 a month if you stop working. let's see, 300 divided by nothing, carry the nothing...
--
this isn't math, this is control. if "we" would be clearing $300 a month then "we" are jointly responsible for child costs, not you alone. it is worth it for you to keep working because it is worth it to you and you fucking said so. and the math says it's profitable! $300 a month buys shitty health insurance where I live, that's not nothing.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:10 PM on December 18, 2016 [23 favorites]
I can't wrap my brain around that with her trying to force me to something she herself didn't and still does not want to do.
It may help to just ignore your mom. She's obviously not going to be emotionally supportive, and she can't physically help anyways. She may even feel a bit guilty about not being able to help, so has convinced herself that this is really the best option for you despite all evidence to the contrary. If she brings it up, tell her that you no longer wish to discuss this with her, you two will just have to agree to disagree. End the conversation whenever she brings it up again.
For your fiancé, tell him you appreciate the thought, but you have a better understanding of the reality on the ground for working moms. You finally have a job you enjoy, with good benefits and pay. That is not easy to come by in your area, and while you'd love to live in the moment, you have to think long term. It's not $300* a month you're losing out on by staying home, it's cost of health insurance, stalling your career, retirement savings (is he willing to start putting and equivalent amount of money in a retirement account for you each month?), etc. Tell him you need $X to get the nanny for the time between work and standard daycare (go ahead and get on the list for one that'll take him at 3 months).
And then give yourself permission to give up on getting him to understand, don't engage if he brings it up to argue his point. That's an emotional drain you don't need. Throw all of your salary at childcare when the time comes for it, if you need to. Save the rest. Maybe this is just his one blindspot born more of obliviousness of reality in the USA than malice, but if not, you want a nest egg so you don't feel trapped.
*if he handles daycare pickup and drop off you can save on the parking!
posted by ghost phoneme at 7:21 PM on December 18, 2016 [11 favorites]
It may help to just ignore your mom. She's obviously not going to be emotionally supportive, and she can't physically help anyways. She may even feel a bit guilty about not being able to help, so has convinced herself that this is really the best option for you despite all evidence to the contrary. If she brings it up, tell her that you no longer wish to discuss this with her, you two will just have to agree to disagree. End the conversation whenever she brings it up again.
For your fiancé, tell him you appreciate the thought, but you have a better understanding of the reality on the ground for working moms. You finally have a job you enjoy, with good benefits and pay. That is not easy to come by in your area, and while you'd love to live in the moment, you have to think long term. It's not $300* a month you're losing out on by staying home, it's cost of health insurance, stalling your career, retirement savings (is he willing to start putting and equivalent amount of money in a retirement account for you each month?), etc. Tell him you need $X to get the nanny for the time between work and standard daycare (go ahead and get on the list for one that'll take him at 3 months).
And then give yourself permission to give up on getting him to understand, don't engage if he brings it up to argue his point. That's an emotional drain you don't need. Throw all of your salary at childcare when the time comes for it, if you need to. Save the rest. Maybe this is just his one blindspot born more of obliviousness of reality in the USA than malice, but if not, you want a nest egg so you don't feel trapped.
*if he handles daycare pickup and drop off you can save on the parking!
posted by ghost phoneme at 7:21 PM on December 18, 2016 [11 favorites]
But you're not bringing home $300 a month. You're bringing home $300 a month and health insurance.
I do want to address one thing: do you have someone on your team, on your side? Can you start seeing a therapist? Feeling like you want to leave the baby at the hospital is not an abnormal thing to feel but it also isn't particularly good or healthy for you, and I am worried about you. A therapist could be a good person to have on your side. I know it's one more thing, and that it might seem like a strange suggestion, but I think it would be very good for you to have someone that you trust that you can talk with about what you're going through. Pregnancy is very difficult on the body and brain, and lacking a good support system can be just a very long, hard road. I do not suggest this because I think you have something wrong with you, I suggest it because I have personally found a therapist to be a real rock in my life when things are going sideways.
I wish you all the best and hope you can take some time to take care of yourself right now.
posted by sockermom at 8:22 PM on December 18, 2016 [12 favorites]
I do want to address one thing: do you have someone on your team, on your side? Can you start seeing a therapist? Feeling like you want to leave the baby at the hospital is not an abnormal thing to feel but it also isn't particularly good or healthy for you, and I am worried about you. A therapist could be a good person to have on your side. I know it's one more thing, and that it might seem like a strange suggestion, but I think it would be very good for you to have someone that you trust that you can talk with about what you're going through. Pregnancy is very difficult on the body and brain, and lacking a good support system can be just a very long, hard road. I do not suggest this because I think you have something wrong with you, I suggest it because I have personally found a therapist to be a real rock in my life when things are going sideways.
I wish you all the best and hope you can take some time to take care of yourself right now.
posted by sockermom at 8:22 PM on December 18, 2016 [12 favorites]
Someone else brought this up above, but definitely speak with your employer about options before you get too far down the road of assuming all hope is lost. I was in your place a few months ago. I know this stress! I was happily surprised when my employer made clear that I should take the time I need (really they meant 12 weeks, but that works!), despite not having FMLA protection.
posted by marmago at 8:34 PM on December 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by marmago at 8:34 PM on December 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Hey, I work for health insurance and daycare! And also because I am good at my job and love it! There's nothing wrong with it and don't let anyone tell you there is or that you HAVE to stay home. You don't need this much stress and it's really sucky that your mom, and your partner are putting this on you.
Get on every waiting list for daycare centers that you can. These things change so quickly and I bet, more likely than not, a spot will open up when you need it. The kids in my son's daycare class change every month and some leave and then come back a month later, etc. Everyone's cobbling together childcare all the time. I know you said that you can't afford a nanny but could you swing it short-term if you have to just until you can get into a center? Or a home-based center? If you're comfortable PMing me whereabouts you live in PA, I have several mom friends there that I could ask for a HOT CHILDCARE TIP. Let me know.
posted by Aquifer at 9:10 PM on December 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
Get on every waiting list for daycare centers that you can. These things change so quickly and I bet, more likely than not, a spot will open up when you need it. The kids in my son's daycare class change every month and some leave and then come back a month later, etc. Everyone's cobbling together childcare all the time. I know you said that you can't afford a nanny but could you swing it short-term if you have to just until you can get into a center? Or a home-based center? If you're comfortable PMing me whereabouts you live in PA, I have several mom friends there that I could ask for a HOT CHILDCARE TIP. Let me know.
posted by Aquifer at 9:10 PM on December 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
I am so sorry for this stress. Practically I agree with all the advice above - get your 3 month care lined up and either spend extra for a nanny for 6 weeks or join every moms group ever and see who will help.
For the math...I had similar math (I am in a civilized country so it kicked in at a year, but similar.) I opted for a full time job after trying part time. I want clearing about $300/mo but this was in 2007....I was very, very lucky to be in my field when the 2008 recession hit. I kept my job and retirement savings and stayed current. When I had my second, for 6 months I made -250 while we had a nanny, because the daycare I wanted started at 18 months. It was still worth it. My youngest is about to hit public school, my skills are current and I have stayed on the salary grid.
I just gave you old school math but the fact is daycare comes out of both of our salaries, my husband and mine. Because we are a family and support each other's goals.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:58 AM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
For the math...I had similar math (I am in a civilized country so it kicked in at a year, but similar.) I opted for a full time job after trying part time. I want clearing about $300/mo but this was in 2007....I was very, very lucky to be in my field when the 2008 recession hit. I kept my job and retirement savings and stayed current. When I had my second, for 6 months I made -250 while we had a nanny, because the daycare I wanted started at 18 months. It was still worth it. My youngest is about to hit public school, my skills are current and I have stayed on the salary grid.
I just gave you old school math but the fact is daycare comes out of both of our salaries, my husband and mine. Because we are a family and support each other's goals.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:58 AM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
A few suggestions:
* Can you go back to work part-time in your office to retain your job, while still giving you a little more flexibility in terms of child-support? I know it doesn't address your immediate issue with child-care (and unsupportive fiance), but at least it removes the headache associated with losing this job you love.
* Ask around - there are sometimes some odd resources our there. When my wife went back to work, we actually found a nanny that just had her first child. The nanny was willing to be very accomodating for us, if we allowed her to care for her own child at the same time (the family she previously worked with wasn't so flexible.)
* My wife and I went through a similar scenario - she wanted to go back to work, but she was effectively breaking even after child care. Our take was that the job (a) kept her skill areas current, so that she could eventually return to the workforce and (b) kept her mentally-sane as she had the opportunity to use a different part of her brain and have adult conversations. Would things have been logistically easier if she didn't work? Obviously, but she wouldn't have been happy and that would have brought down the whole family. With hope, your fiance can understand it is not just about the money/logistics. Being a parent doesn't mean you have to stop being an adult.
posted by TofuGolem at 7:24 AM on December 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
* Can you go back to work part-time in your office to retain your job, while still giving you a little more flexibility in terms of child-support? I know it doesn't address your immediate issue with child-care (and unsupportive fiance), but at least it removes the headache associated with losing this job you love.
* Ask around - there are sometimes some odd resources our there. When my wife went back to work, we actually found a nanny that just had her first child. The nanny was willing to be very accomodating for us, if we allowed her to care for her own child at the same time (the family she previously worked with wasn't so flexible.)
* My wife and I went through a similar scenario - she wanted to go back to work, but she was effectively breaking even after child care. Our take was that the job (a) kept her skill areas current, so that she could eventually return to the workforce and (b) kept her mentally-sane as she had the opportunity to use a different part of her brain and have adult conversations. Would things have been logistically easier if she didn't work? Obviously, but she wouldn't have been happy and that would have brought down the whole family. With hope, your fiance can understand it is not just about the money/logistics. Being a parent doesn't mean you have to stop being an adult.
posted by TofuGolem at 7:24 AM on December 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
Way to go on the new job and for sticking up for yourself! I had a baby in a similar situation (no FMLA after starting at a new employer). It didn't work out by magic, but by both my husband and I putting in a ton of effort to explore every option. Like you, I knew I didn't want to be a SAHM, and ended up working for close to the cost of daycare and health insurance. After a few years, I built up enough experience to move to a much higher paying job and will be able to actually take off a couple months this time with baby #2.
I don't know if it is different by state, but I was able to get my son in a Kindercare center at 6 weeks old. They didn't advertise it on their website, but we posted a desperate plea to one of those local Facebook Buy-Sell-Trade groups when freaking out about childcare and the owner of the center contacted me as well as many other people who were willing to watch my son. Best of luck!
posted by galvanized unicorn at 8:59 AM on December 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't know if it is different by state, but I was able to get my son in a Kindercare center at 6 weeks old. They didn't advertise it on their website, but we posted a desperate plea to one of those local Facebook Buy-Sell-Trade groups when freaking out about childcare and the owner of the center contacted me as well as many other people who were willing to watch my son. Best of luck!
posted by galvanized unicorn at 8:59 AM on December 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
First, definitely join some local mama/parent Facebook groups. Just do a search under ("Your City + Mama") and something will come up in groups. I'm in at least 3-4 and people are always posting about looking and offering childcare. There are lots of in home places and stay at home moms that do this, even starting with a very young infant.
2nd, look at child care through churches. Or do this first. A lot of churches offer child care, I think the one my kid goes to started at 6 weeks. They are great! And affordable!! Really, call a few up, if they don't have any I'm sure they will be able to recommend others that do. I'd be happy to help if you tell me your area. I had no idea about this little secret gem of childcare located in many churches, but they have been amazing.
Also YMCA/YWCA I am positive also has childcare.
Third, you need back up child care no matter what, even if you left your job, which doesn't sound like you want to do anyway. You need a support system. The more groups you can join, birthing classes you can take, people you can meet the better. Midwives, doulas, nurses, social workers, will all be able to help. I promise. You could probably do a consult with a doula in your area, and she could probably help you sort this out. Do you get mental health coverage through work? I had some good therapists I worked with when I was pregnant, just short term, where that was their specialty. I think my OB recommended them.
I'm a part time stay at home mom to an 18 month old, and it is so hard, I'm going back to school next fall, and I can.not.wait!! If you feel stimulated by your job, and it's giving you a sense of self and confidence, please keep it - you will sort out the rest. Also agree to talk to your employer about options/part-time work etc for the first few months.
Let me know if I can be of any help. You're not alone here, many mamas have been where you are and you will figure this out. Just keep asking around/asking for help.
posted by Rocket26 at 9:04 AM on December 19, 2016
2nd, look at child care through churches. Or do this first. A lot of churches offer child care, I think the one my kid goes to started at 6 weeks. They are great! And affordable!! Really, call a few up, if they don't have any I'm sure they will be able to recommend others that do. I'd be happy to help if you tell me your area. I had no idea about this little secret gem of childcare located in many churches, but they have been amazing.
Also YMCA/YWCA I am positive also has childcare.
Third, you need back up child care no matter what, even if you left your job, which doesn't sound like you want to do anyway. You need a support system. The more groups you can join, birthing classes you can take, people you can meet the better. Midwives, doulas, nurses, social workers, will all be able to help. I promise. You could probably do a consult with a doula in your area, and she could probably help you sort this out. Do you get mental health coverage through work? I had some good therapists I worked with when I was pregnant, just short term, where that was their specialty. I think my OB recommended them.
I'm a part time stay at home mom to an 18 month old, and it is so hard, I'm going back to school next fall, and I can.not.wait!! If you feel stimulated by your job, and it's giving you a sense of self and confidence, please keep it - you will sort out the rest. Also agree to talk to your employer about options/part-time work etc for the first few months.
Let me know if I can be of any help. You're not alone here, many mamas have been where you are and you will figure this out. Just keep asking around/asking for help.
posted by Rocket26 at 9:04 AM on December 19, 2016
If you need another place to find lists of possible day care in your area, call your City Hall and ask for a copy of the list of registered daycares. In my city, all day care centers and in-home daycare has to be licensed and registered. The City clerk is the one that holds those records and they are available to the public.
posted by CathyG at 9:13 AM on December 19, 2016
posted by CathyG at 9:13 AM on December 19, 2016
I get that you were probably not serious about leaving the child at the hospital, but just in case: you do not HAVE to raise this child. There are many families who are waiting for a child to adopt. That is absolutely an option and it is entirely your choice if you don't feel ready to be a parent right now.
posted by exceptinsects at 9:36 AM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by exceptinsects at 9:36 AM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
I just put a 5 month old in daycare on 2 days notice. My daycare takes infants as young as six weeks. I found it by asking the receptionists at a daycare with no openings where they thought I would likely find an opening. The small day cares located in churches or with nonprofits were the most helpful in suggesting other places.
Here's a link to a program by the State of PA that helps locate childcare. There is an option for searching by zip, and includes an option for under 2 months:
https://www.compass.state.pa.us/Compass.web/ProviderSearch/Home#/BasicSearch
Everything is going to be ok and it will work out - not because of magic, but because you are capable and you are going to make this work.
I could reiterate all the reasons why you should work, but the only reason that matters is that you want to work. If you want to work you should have that option.
posted by donovangirl at 10:00 AM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Here's a link to a program by the State of PA that helps locate childcare. There is an option for searching by zip, and includes an option for under 2 months:
https://www.compass.state.pa.us/Compass.web/ProviderSearch/Home#/BasicSearch
Everything is going to be ok and it will work out - not because of magic, but because you are capable and you are going to make this work.
I could reiterate all the reasons why you should work, but the only reason that matters is that you want to work. If you want to work you should have that option.
posted by donovangirl at 10:00 AM on December 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
You will find child care. Use the link provided above and get a list of providers. For the ones that take infants, ask if any of their little ones are turning 2 soon. Do you have telework options, or can you stack you work day with fiancé as a later shift?
Find the childcare provider you want when the little one is 8 weeks old and hold that spot. Everything in-between is temporary. Do you have a solid family member who can come for 8 weeks? It could be worth paying for the airfare.
posted by childofTethys at 10:48 AM on December 19, 2016
Find the childcare provider you want when the little one is 8 weeks old and hold that spot. Everything in-between is temporary. Do you have a solid family member who can come for 8 weeks? It could be worth paying for the airfare.
posted by childofTethys at 10:48 AM on December 19, 2016
And remember this child care is so BOTH of you can work. What happens if you are unavailable to provide care or transport kiddo to daycare? Dad needs to sort this out as a member of the family, not defer it all to you. Childcare directly benefits his business, and lack of it will cause him the same inconveniences.
posted by childofTethys at 10:59 AM on December 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by childofTethys at 10:59 AM on December 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
This would give you time to find appropriate childcare. But meanwhile, your top priority has to be to be to sort things out with your fiancé. You are not even married yet but you are describing a pretty major breakdown in communications. He needs to be talking to you to solve this, not to your mother, and if he won't, you should insist on joint counseling to deal not only with the practicalities but with those feelings of wanting to abandon the baby.
posted by beagle at 1:50 PM on December 18, 2016 [10 favorites]