I feel like I am losing my friend, need advice on how to proceed
October 31, 2016 5:17 PM Subscribe
I basically divulged my feelings to my best friend, and now I feel like I am losing him. Is there any way to stop the damage?
I have known my friend for about 4 years. We were (are?) really close. I had to take him to the airport last week, and my other friends had encouraged me to tell him how I feel, because it would be better that way, etc. Prior to this, all signs pointed to him having interest in me (I won't list for brevity's sake, but it was obvious to me and others). And I'm usually not too swift in that regard.
So on the way to the airport, I said, "Hey, remember when you said to your friend, 'Why am I not dating her?'? When you said that, I thought, 'Yeah, why not? We have good chemistry, and we have a lot of fun together, and we have a lot in common'." He did not respond well. Very flustered, leapt out of the car, missed his flight...yeah. No flat rejection, but super awkward. He texted me multiple times right after I dropped him off, and then since I didn't respond (on the freeway) he called. No addressing of what was said. The last text I got was when he landed, "It has been a profoundly interesting day". When I picked him up it was awkward, but we made small talk in the car.
Since then (about a week and a half ago) he has gone from texting me daily/calls to only contacting me when necessary. We had planned a trip to Central America for Christmas. He came to me a day or so ago and said that he had time to think, and his mom is elderly and not doing well, so he asked if I would be angry if he cancelled. He claims he was worried about losing my friendship. I am taking him at his word, but my gut tells me that his mom was convenient and he is cancelling because I make him uncomfortable.
Prior to all of this, he told me frequently how he loves me and would do anything for me. He told me all the time how important I was to him. He was helping me prepare for my board exams. Since then, he still tells me that he loves me, but his texts, when he sends them, have become rather formal. Like today, his text said, "From 6-8 (firm 8) I can host for board review and provide food. Let me know if that works for you. Work has gotten crazy stupid busy for me...". I don't know if I should just tell him that I feel that I am losing his friendship, or just ignore the elephant in the room as he is, and give him time. I am so hurt by all of this. I understand not being interested, and if he just said that it would be fine. He never said as much, and we haven't talked about it at all. It would have been much easier with a polite, "Thanks, but not interested."
This was the quick version. Sparing the agonizing details. I absolutely regret saying anything in the first place. Any advice on what I should do?
I have known my friend for about 4 years. We were (are?) really close. I had to take him to the airport last week, and my other friends had encouraged me to tell him how I feel, because it would be better that way, etc. Prior to this, all signs pointed to him having interest in me (I won't list for brevity's sake, but it was obvious to me and others). And I'm usually not too swift in that regard.
So on the way to the airport, I said, "Hey, remember when you said to your friend, 'Why am I not dating her?'? When you said that, I thought, 'Yeah, why not? We have good chemistry, and we have a lot of fun together, and we have a lot in common'." He did not respond well. Very flustered, leapt out of the car, missed his flight...yeah. No flat rejection, but super awkward. He texted me multiple times right after I dropped him off, and then since I didn't respond (on the freeway) he called. No addressing of what was said. The last text I got was when he landed, "It has been a profoundly interesting day". When I picked him up it was awkward, but we made small talk in the car.
Since then (about a week and a half ago) he has gone from texting me daily/calls to only contacting me when necessary. We had planned a trip to Central America for Christmas. He came to me a day or so ago and said that he had time to think, and his mom is elderly and not doing well, so he asked if I would be angry if he cancelled. He claims he was worried about losing my friendship. I am taking him at his word, but my gut tells me that his mom was convenient and he is cancelling because I make him uncomfortable.
Prior to all of this, he told me frequently how he loves me and would do anything for me. He told me all the time how important I was to him. He was helping me prepare for my board exams. Since then, he still tells me that he loves me, but his texts, when he sends them, have become rather formal. Like today, his text said, "From 6-8 (firm 8) I can host for board review and provide food. Let me know if that works for you. Work has gotten crazy stupid busy for me...". I don't know if I should just tell him that I feel that I am losing his friendship, or just ignore the elephant in the room as he is, and give him time. I am so hurt by all of this. I understand not being interested, and if he just said that it would be fine. He never said as much, and we haven't talked about it at all. It would have been much easier with a polite, "Thanks, but not interested."
This was the quick version. Sparing the agonizing details. I absolutely regret saying anything in the first place. Any advice on what I should do?
Well, what do YOU want out of this person? Would you really be happy going back to the level of closeness you shared, knowing how he handled what you put down? Or has this relationship run its course?
posted by pintapicasso at 6:08 PM on October 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by pintapicasso at 6:08 PM on October 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You need to decide if you genuinely can continue on in a platonic manner. If you can, then tell him that- 'hey- things have been a bit weird since I suggested that we take things to a different place in our friendship, but I want you to know that I meant it pretty lightly. I'm not in love with you and I am fine with things staying as they are.'
Massive caveat here: only say this if all of that is really true. Also, if it is, in Future I wouldn't make such a suggestion (that maybe you guys should date) for a situation you don't feel strongly about because this is always a risked outcome.
If it's not true, and you do have deeper feelings for him, acknowledge that to yourself and take some time to heal from what seems like rejection to me. If you do really care for him it's probably worth clarifying that though- have a real, unrushed converaation about it, and if he's not keen, take some time away from the friendship.
Remember that there is nothing shameful about your feelings and it's ok for both of you to feel differently. Keeping this in mind may help you to address it more directly, which is probably what is needed I think.
posted by jojobobo at 6:17 PM on October 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
Massive caveat here: only say this if all of that is really true. Also, if it is, in Future I wouldn't make such a suggestion (that maybe you guys should date) for a situation you don't feel strongly about because this is always a risked outcome.
If it's not true, and you do have deeper feelings for him, acknowledge that to yourself and take some time to heal from what seems like rejection to me. If you do really care for him it's probably worth clarifying that though- have a real, unrushed converaation about it, and if he's not keen, take some time away from the friendship.
Remember that there is nothing shameful about your feelings and it's ok for both of you to feel differently. Keeping this in mind may help you to address it more directly, which is probably what is needed I think.
posted by jojobobo at 6:17 PM on October 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
If this is the type of person who likes to throw around "I love you's" when it's all a game but handles a straightforward question like "Want to date?" by jumping out of a car (???) I think you should carefully protect your feelings right now. There are some friends who carefully store others' feelings wrapped in tissue in nice boxes and others who just throw them in a pile in a corner. He sounds like the latter. Not someone you can really trust.
posted by bleep at 6:30 PM on October 31, 2016 [30 favorites]
posted by bleep at 6:30 PM on October 31, 2016 [30 favorites]
Best answer: adamrice has the only possible way forward here. You should definitely do some soul-searching first and decide what outcomes would be acceptable to you, but the only way this is going to be dealt with is through communication, and you are going to have to be the one to instigate that communication. It's gonna be awkward! But it's already awkward, and you'll get through it, and then things will be if not better then at least less awkward than they are now. Godspeed.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:33 PM on October 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:33 PM on October 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Also I honestly think this reads more as him not knowing how to handle things and panicking than him being careless with your emotions. I think there's a very good chance that he's just managed to mindfuck this whole thing to the point where he has no idea how to be around you, and that maybe he even does want to date you but is just being a supreme doofus about his emotions. Not definitely, I mean it could easily be something else, but you'll never know unless you talk.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:39 PM on October 31, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:39 PM on October 31, 2016 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Agree on the talk to him, but maybe shoot for a time/place that he won't feel trapped, like in a car. AOANLA,T may be right about him panicking rather than being careless, and bringing up the topic where he doesn't feel cornered could help him ramo down his anxiety and get back in track.
But don't stress too much about getting the right approach, he's an adult. Life is a bit messy sometimes and people move beyond awkwardness all the time. He should be able to work out how to get through whatever he's feeling and ask for what he needs to move forward: a little time and space, a date, a little "pretend never happened."
Not that you have to agree to any of those.
posted by ghost phoneme at 6:55 PM on October 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
But don't stress too much about getting the right approach, he's an adult. Life is a bit messy sometimes and people move beyond awkwardness all the time. He should be able to work out how to get through whatever he's feeling and ask for what he needs to move forward: a little time and space, a date, a little "pretend never happened."
Not that you have to agree to any of those.
posted by ghost phoneme at 6:55 PM on October 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm sorry this is happening. The uncomfortable truth is that this doesn't sound like a person who has the skills to have intimate, important, and equitable relationships, either romantic or platonic.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:23 PM on October 31, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by schadenfrau at 7:23 PM on October 31, 2016 [10 favorites]
I wouldn't say anything more in person, as he obviously needs a lot of space to process things. Maybe just send him an email like this.
"Hi Bob. I feel like things have maybe been a little awkward with us for a few days. I just wanted to apologize if I put you on the spot or made an unwelcome offer. You're a really important friend to me. What I said was true -- I would be willing to go on some dates and see if we had that kind of a relationship. But I'm also very happy to keep the friendship we had. I'm sorry if expressing my feelings the way I did made you feel uncomfortable. From the distance I've felt between us, I'm assuming you're not interested, so please correct me if I'm wrong, but assuming I'm not, can we just pretend the whole conversation never happened? I'm not offended that you don't want things to be romantic, and I won't secretly harbor a weird crush on you. I'm just wanting us to be normal friends again. Your friend, bolognius maximus."
Worth a try. It only works if what's going on is that he doesn't want a romantic relationship but doesn't know how to tell you aside from just acting distant. If he's interested romantically and acting stilted because he doesn't know how to say "okay, sure, let's date," then this will make things more awkward.
posted by salvia at 7:47 PM on October 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
"Hi Bob. I feel like things have maybe been a little awkward with us for a few days. I just wanted to apologize if I put you on the spot or made an unwelcome offer. You're a really important friend to me. What I said was true -- I would be willing to go on some dates and see if we had that kind of a relationship. But I'm also very happy to keep the friendship we had. I'm sorry if expressing my feelings the way I did made you feel uncomfortable. From the distance I've felt between us, I'm assuming you're not interested, so please correct me if I'm wrong, but assuming I'm not, can we just pretend the whole conversation never happened? I'm not offended that you don't want things to be romantic, and I won't secretly harbor a weird crush on you. I'm just wanting us to be normal friends again. Your friend, bolognius maximus."
Worth a try. It only works if what's going on is that he doesn't want a romantic relationship but doesn't know how to tell you aside from just acting distant. If he's interested romantically and acting stilted because he doesn't know how to say "okay, sure, let's date," then this will make things more awkward.
posted by salvia at 7:47 PM on October 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Nthing he's just really immature because where did he think all of those I love you's was leading??
I'm so so sorry. It's him, not you.
posted by jbenben at 7:48 PM on October 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'm so so sorry. It's him, not you.
posted by jbenben at 7:48 PM on October 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
I-love-yous and trips to Central America, if you are of compatible sexual orientations, are not the best possible set of boundaries for a good healthy friendship*. He's had the comfort of an emotional affair with you, while waiting for someone he wants to have sex with to come along. You've begun settling for scraps and then hoping for a meal, with him likely knowing it but hoping if y'all don't name it you don't have to claim it.
*Unless you are willing to be extremely honest in that relationship, with hard conversations on the regular about boundaries. Which y'all have chosen not to do, or are not capable of doing. It's advanced friending, it's not easy.
And you called him on it. You didn't mean to, but he was banking on you not forcing the issue and him getting to do this - whether you are explicitly consenting to it (or whether he is, for that matter) or not - until that person he wants to have sex with arrives.
This isn't actually okay, either of you. Don't be friends with someone under false pretenses. Don't assume the other person consents for you to change the terms of the friendship from just friends to sexual/romantic. Yeah, you can gamble on that if you choose, but if it ends the friendship that is the risk you chose to take. You could have chosen to stay on the terms you had already agreed on.
So, y'all are both at fault here and the friendship is probably irrevocably damaged, at least for a couple of years but by the time a couple of years have passed, you will probably not have the most generous of opinions about him, or yourself in this friendship, and he will probably be in a similar situation.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:49 PM on October 31, 2016 [11 favorites]
*Unless you are willing to be extremely honest in that relationship, with hard conversations on the regular about boundaries. Which y'all have chosen not to do, or are not capable of doing. It's advanced friending, it's not easy.
And you called him on it. You didn't mean to, but he was banking on you not forcing the issue and him getting to do this - whether you are explicitly consenting to it (or whether he is, for that matter) or not - until that person he wants to have sex with arrives.
This isn't actually okay, either of you. Don't be friends with someone under false pretenses. Don't assume the other person consents for you to change the terms of the friendship from just friends to sexual/romantic. Yeah, you can gamble on that if you choose, but if it ends the friendship that is the risk you chose to take. You could have chosen to stay on the terms you had already agreed on.
So, y'all are both at fault here and the friendship is probably irrevocably damaged, at least for a couple of years but by the time a couple of years have passed, you will probably not have the most generous of opinions about him, or yourself in this friendship, and he will probably be in a similar situation.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:49 PM on October 31, 2016 [11 favorites]
Yeah, this is pretty much the nightmare scenario of telling a guy you want to date him, right there. I don't think this relationship, even as a friendship, can come back from this. He's kinda been leading you on, just realized this, and now he is backpedaling like fuck. I would be amazed if he's still talking to you at all a month from now. It'd be nice if he'd just said "I like you as a friend, Craig, I don't like you like that" and then acted like an adult, but instead he chose to act like this. Do you want to be friends with someone who reacted in this way and literally ran out of a car and missed a flight to get away from you?
If he's still talking to you, you might want to try to have a conversation along the line of "I'm sorry I said it, I'm over it, let's pretend I never did and move on," but I don't know how well he could deal with that. But even if you somehow still stay in contact, the "I love you's" and trips probably need to leave the situation. Scale the friendship waaaaay back. Stop having him help you with board exams. Don't get him an awesome gift for Christmas and stick to a funny card. I'd be giving him a ton of space and see if he still talks to you or calms down on his freakout, but not have high hopes for it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:32 PM on October 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
If he's still talking to you, you might want to try to have a conversation along the line of "I'm sorry I said it, I'm over it, let's pretend I never did and move on," but I don't know how well he could deal with that. But even if you somehow still stay in contact, the "I love you's" and trips probably need to leave the situation. Scale the friendship waaaaay back. Stop having him help you with board exams. Don't get him an awesome gift for Christmas and stick to a funny card. I'd be giving him a ton of space and see if he still talks to you or calms down on his freakout, but not have high hopes for it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:32 PM on October 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
This is just awful. I am so sorry. You've known him four years! This isn't some recent friend-crush. He should have behaved better. I assume he has been a decent guy all these years, right? Not obviously emotionally immature and weird in relationships? Because:
- being best friends for four years
- him saying "Why am I not dating her?"
- saying "I love you" all the damn time
- telling you how important you are to him all the damn time
- taking an international trip together
- helping you with board review
- texting and calling daily
sounds like a hella relationship already to me.
All of the following sound like behaviors you adopt with someone you absolutely do not want to date and really don't want to be friends with either:
- jumping out of the car (literally wtf!) after you bringing up the dating thing
- infrequent texts
- very stodgy "let me set clear boundaries and be professional" texts
- cancelling your Central America trip citing his elderly mom and not wanting to lose your friendship (????)
- not mentioning ever again the weirdness of jumping out of the car or your suggestion
So what to do. I would personally be really offended at this 13-year-old behavior especially from someone that you've been so close to. This is like, a middle school reaction to hearing that someone likes you. Could you see yourself going back to just friends? Could you be cool and happy for him if he told you he got a new girlfriend? If so, okay, you may want to suck it up and take the hit points and just say straight-out "Hey, I'm sorry for making things weird when we were going to the airport, I'd like to pretend I never said anything, your friendship is important to me and I'm cool where we're at now, can we move on?".
If he's still all weird after that, I'm sorry, but things may not work out for you two even friends-wise. But shitty silver lining, you know sooner rather than later that he is not at all a good match for you.
posted by amicamentis at 6:43 AM on November 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
- being best friends for four years
- him saying "Why am I not dating her?"
- saying "I love you" all the damn time
- telling you how important you are to him all the damn time
- taking an international trip together
- helping you with board review
- texting and calling daily
sounds like a hella relationship already to me.
All of the following sound like behaviors you adopt with someone you absolutely do not want to date and really don't want to be friends with either:
- jumping out of the car (literally wtf!) after you bringing up the dating thing
- infrequent texts
- very stodgy "let me set clear boundaries and be professional" texts
- cancelling your Central America trip citing his elderly mom and not wanting to lose your friendship (????)
- not mentioning ever again the weirdness of jumping out of the car or your suggestion
So what to do. I would personally be really offended at this 13-year-old behavior especially from someone that you've been so close to. This is like, a middle school reaction to hearing that someone likes you. Could you see yourself going back to just friends? Could you be cool and happy for him if he told you he got a new girlfriend? If so, okay, you may want to suck it up and take the hit points and just say straight-out "Hey, I'm sorry for making things weird when we were going to the airport, I'd like to pretend I never said anything, your friendship is important to me and I'm cool where we're at now, can we move on?".
If he's still all weird after that, I'm sorry, but things may not work out for you two even friends-wise. But shitty silver lining, you know sooner rather than later that he is not at all a good match for you.
posted by amicamentis at 6:43 AM on November 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
There are some guys that you can only be friends with. I've noticed that there are guys that have this type that they strive for and you're not it. You can be all kinds of compatible, but in the long run, they want the cool blond, or teeny redhead, or brunette professor. In their head, that's what they want and what may come around in the meantime won't do. In that case you either stop being friends altogether, or you stay friends and help them find the woman of their dreams. Don't pin your hopes on this guy. Look for your own happily ever after too.
posted by PJMoore at 8:51 AM on November 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by PJMoore at 8:51 AM on November 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
The thing is, would it really have been better to not have said anything at all? Then you'd be sitting there, planning a two-person trip, spending all this time together, the closest of friends. The I love-yous would still abound, but so would this continued crossing of boundaries, this situation that feels good, but is keeping both of you stuck. And in his case, he appeared to be encouraging it a bit-- "I like the attention and this feels good but the idea of this progressing makes me want to leap out of a car," and honestly? It's a good thing you know that's his reaction. The alternative winds up keeping you perpetual limbo and gets you more and more entrenched in a person.
I've been there, and yes, it sucked and yes it ended the 'friendship' -- but it sucked much less than being led on any longer. And yes, at least in my case, I was being led on. I love yous, snuggles on the couch, calling me beautiful, telling me I was the best, the only one who understood, writing every single day-- every crisis, every need. It didn't go on that long, because when I realized how intense it all was, I also realized I liked him like that. And when I confessed, he didn't actually cut the cord. He instead said 'he could totally see himself with me, but he needed time to get over his past, don't think he couldn't want me,' and I ate it up. But what he really meant was, 'I don't really want it to be you, but I don't want to let you go, either. This feels good and I don't want things to change.' So in a way its kind of a good thing you have an answer. Yes, it would have been nice if the adult path had been chosen, if he'd said, 'I'm sorry, I don't see us like that,' and not acted like a pillock. But believe me, its so very very hard for humans to not act like pillocks. It's very common. But still. Now you know-- it sucks, but knowing is still best.
So where to go from here? There's some great advice upthread that basically says you need to define what your wants and expectations are, and that's true. Are you truly OK with the friendship being entirely platonic? Because if not, if you have any kind of romantic hope for this guy-- if that's why you wish you hadn't said anything, then I don't think you can be friends right now, not until those feelings goes away. Those feelings often don't go away when the person you like is around you, and its SO easy to convince ourselves we'd be ok with 'just being friends' when really our deep subconscious holds this tiny shred of hope that it'll happen, and that's why we cling. Extinguishing that hope is ridiculously difficult and you need to be super honest with yourself and your motivations. So when you say you don't want to lose this friendship, is it because you truly want to be just friends? If he met someone tomorrow, how would you feel? Search deep for that answer; in my case, I found it very easy to lie to myself about my feelings.
Personally, I'd just back off. While I do think you blindsided him somewhat (In a car, stuck with you was not really the ideal place to confess) he still can't seem to talk to you about this like a mature adult person-- if he could, you could just say, 'well things got weird and I didn't mean for that to happen. If you don't see me that way, I understand but I'd like to remain friends,' but he basically ran in the other direction for merely suggesting you actually date, missed his flight, cancelled the mutual trip, etc. This means that for all its closeness, this friendship doesn't really have a strong foundation. Because true friends, good friends, can have these hard conversations and come out the other side. This doesn't seem to be the case here, so I honestly don't think its even in your best interest to continue being friends with this person. Perhaps eventually you'll both mature to the point where this'll be kinda funny, and you'll come out stronger, but only time will tell. By then, you may feel differently about each other. In the meantime, it's still better to let go, despite how awful it feels. And I get it, it feels really bad-- its a shade like breaking up, with the added angst of 'We seemed so perfect/what could have been' It sucks. It hurts. It'll be ok. Promise.
Make better friends, with better boundaries. I'm sorry. Good luck.
posted by Dimes at 9:24 AM on November 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
I've been there, and yes, it sucked and yes it ended the 'friendship' -- but it sucked much less than being led on any longer. And yes, at least in my case, I was being led on. I love yous, snuggles on the couch, calling me beautiful, telling me I was the best, the only one who understood, writing every single day-- every crisis, every need. It didn't go on that long, because when I realized how intense it all was, I also realized I liked him like that. And when I confessed, he didn't actually cut the cord. He instead said 'he could totally see himself with me, but he needed time to get over his past, don't think he couldn't want me,' and I ate it up. But what he really meant was, 'I don't really want it to be you, but I don't want to let you go, either. This feels good and I don't want things to change.' So in a way its kind of a good thing you have an answer. Yes, it would have been nice if the adult path had been chosen, if he'd said, 'I'm sorry, I don't see us like that,' and not acted like a pillock. But believe me, its so very very hard for humans to not act like pillocks. It's very common. But still. Now you know-- it sucks, but knowing is still best.
So where to go from here? There's some great advice upthread that basically says you need to define what your wants and expectations are, and that's true. Are you truly OK with the friendship being entirely platonic? Because if not, if you have any kind of romantic hope for this guy-- if that's why you wish you hadn't said anything, then I don't think you can be friends right now, not until those feelings goes away. Those feelings often don't go away when the person you like is around you, and its SO easy to convince ourselves we'd be ok with 'just being friends' when really our deep subconscious holds this tiny shred of hope that it'll happen, and that's why we cling. Extinguishing that hope is ridiculously difficult and you need to be super honest with yourself and your motivations. So when you say you don't want to lose this friendship, is it because you truly want to be just friends? If he met someone tomorrow, how would you feel? Search deep for that answer; in my case, I found it very easy to lie to myself about my feelings.
Personally, I'd just back off. While I do think you blindsided him somewhat (In a car, stuck with you was not really the ideal place to confess) he still can't seem to talk to you about this like a mature adult person-- if he could, you could just say, 'well things got weird and I didn't mean for that to happen. If you don't see me that way, I understand but I'd like to remain friends,' but he basically ran in the other direction for merely suggesting you actually date, missed his flight, cancelled the mutual trip, etc. This means that for all its closeness, this friendship doesn't really have a strong foundation. Because true friends, good friends, can have these hard conversations and come out the other side. This doesn't seem to be the case here, so I honestly don't think its even in your best interest to continue being friends with this person. Perhaps eventually you'll both mature to the point where this'll be kinda funny, and you'll come out stronger, but only time will tell. By then, you may feel differently about each other. In the meantime, it's still better to let go, despite how awful it feels. And I get it, it feels really bad-- its a shade like breaking up, with the added angst of 'We seemed so perfect/what could have been' It sucks. It hurts. It'll be ok. Promise.
Make better friends, with better boundaries. I'm sorry. Good luck.
posted by Dimes at 9:24 AM on November 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds to me like it was partly an issue of timing. Expressing your feelings for him on the way to the airport most likely shocked the hell out of him. He didn't see it coming, and even if he did, he probably didn't think it would happen on a car ride to the airport.
That said, his reaction is very unreasonable. Jesus, you just poured your heart out to him; he shouldn't have bolted the way he did. It's not as though you did anything wrong.
What have his personal relationships been like with other partners in the past?
You mention that this is the short version of the story, but I think some of us MeFites are curious what some of those other details are. Share some of those things if you can; some of us here have been around the block a few times and can pick up on some pretty good patterns that might prove helpful to you...
posted by Mistress of the Bunnies at 1:04 PM on November 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
That said, his reaction is very unreasonable. Jesus, you just poured your heart out to him; he shouldn't have bolted the way he did. It's not as though you did anything wrong.
What have his personal relationships been like with other partners in the past?
You mention that this is the short version of the story, but I think some of us MeFites are curious what some of those other details are. Share some of those things if you can; some of us here have been around the block a few times and can pick up on some pretty good patterns that might prove helpful to you...
posted by Mistress of the Bunnies at 1:04 PM on November 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Ah, the faux-boyfriend. They talk a great game to you, are super sweet, and monopolize your emotional attention to keep you close (and not dating anyone else) without them having to do any of the heavy lifting and commitment of a real relationship
I have watched several of these types string along my otherwise very savvy friends (and myself as well, GAH). The same thing always happens. Feelings are eventually discussed, and the "friendship" suddenly becomes realllly awkward. Or the guy will express, with wide-eyed innocence, that he had no idea and that he thought he had been open with you about just wanting to be friends. Because saying 'I love you' and planning trips together is obviously super platonic and means nothing, right?
Occasionally these types will continue to do the frequent text / emotional monopolization post-confession, leading you to think that there is maybe a chance they will change their mind and fall madly in love with you, etc.
Don't fall for it. It is a classic narcissist move. This guy likely knows that you have harbored feelings for him for some time and was milking it. Because being wanted makes people like that feel powerful and desirable. It's an ego thing. These types tend to lack self-confidence despite behavior to the contrary.
Even if that's not the case, once feelings are discussed and they are not reciprocated, there are not many people who can recalibrate a real friendship in the face of such an obvious imbalance of emotions, or power, or whatever. Even otherwise kind people will subtly take advantage of the situation, and he doesn't sound like the super emotionally mature type to be able to not do that.
You should probably go no contact for a while, pursue your own life and date other people, and see how you feel about this guy later. Like in six months. If he still wants to be friends, that is a good time to establish healthy boundaries -- like no "I love you" and planning trips with just the two of you. See how he reacts if you re-enter his life with a boyfriend.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope you can manage the situation before you get even more hurt than you already are.
posted by ananci at 6:00 PM on November 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
I have watched several of these types string along my otherwise very savvy friends (and myself as well, GAH). The same thing always happens. Feelings are eventually discussed, and the "friendship" suddenly becomes realllly awkward. Or the guy will express, with wide-eyed innocence, that he had no idea and that he thought he had been open with you about just wanting to be friends. Because saying 'I love you' and planning trips together is obviously super platonic and means nothing, right?
Occasionally these types will continue to do the frequent text / emotional monopolization post-confession, leading you to think that there is maybe a chance they will change their mind and fall madly in love with you, etc.
Don't fall for it. It is a classic narcissist move. This guy likely knows that you have harbored feelings for him for some time and was milking it. Because being wanted makes people like that feel powerful and desirable. It's an ego thing. These types tend to lack self-confidence despite behavior to the contrary.
Even if that's not the case, once feelings are discussed and they are not reciprocated, there are not many people who can recalibrate a real friendship in the face of such an obvious imbalance of emotions, or power, or whatever. Even otherwise kind people will subtly take advantage of the situation, and he doesn't sound like the super emotionally mature type to be able to not do that.
You should probably go no contact for a while, pursue your own life and date other people, and see how you feel about this guy later. Like in six months. If he still wants to be friends, that is a good time to establish healthy boundaries -- like no "I love you" and planning trips with just the two of you. See how he reacts if you re-enter his life with a boyfriend.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope you can manage the situation before you get even more hurt than you already are.
posted by ananci at 6:00 PM on November 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
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posted by adamrice at 5:29 PM on October 31, 2016 [55 favorites]