Marriage counseling is off to a poor start. What to do next?
October 8, 2016 4:59 AM Subscribe
My wife and I are in couples therapy, but I feel like we haven’t made much progress. Help me develop a strategy to get things on track.
My wife and I have been married for eight years – and having problems for about the last three. We’ve drifted apart, and we’ve been having more-frequent arguments (often about silly, little things). There has been no infidelity or domestic violence, but our tempers are on edge. Nevertheless, I think we both still love each other and want to stay together.
I’ve been trying to get us into couples’ counseling, but my wife has resisted. However, she finally agreed to go recently. We’ve had four counseling sessions over the past couple of months, but I feel like we’ve made minimal progress. We talked to the counselor, we did some reading on our own, we watched some YouTube videos, and we did some quizzes & exercises at home. But nothing substantial has changed.
Our counselor is very friendly and relaxed. However, his counseling sessions are largely unstructured. A few times I’ve tried to steer the conversation toward some real problem areas. However, my wife would later get upset with me, because she felt like I had blindsided her with topics that she didn’t anticipate discussing. She said I was putting her on the spot. She also thought that my descriptions made her look like the “bad guy”.
So, the last time we had a therapy session (our fourth), I let her take the lead. And... the discussion was very uncontroversial. We just sat around shooting the breeze about various “easy” topics (and sometimes we went off on tangents, like the election). The therapist didn’t direct the conversation much.
At our first counseling session, the therapist did give us some handouts, and he recommended books and videos by John Gottman. So my wife and I each bought our own copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I finished the book within a few weeks. I’m currently re-reading it (the book is excellent). My wife read the first 30 pages or so shortly after she bought the book, but she hasn’t read it since.
The counselor’s handouts were not especially relevant to our situation. However, my wife and I did read them together, and we went through some of the exercises (this all happened in the first few weeks following the initial counseling session). We also watched some on-line videos that featured John Gottman’s lectures. Each time we engaged in one of these “homework” sessions, I was the one who initiated it. The last time we sat down to discuss some of the Gottman materials, my wife didn’t have much enthusiasm for it, and our conversation was forced. It’s been about two weeks since we had any serious discussions. We initially acted on some of the early suggestions in Gottman’s book, but the changes didn’t stick. I hold myself partly responsible for not making more of an effort in this regard.
In all this time, we’ve only really resolved one problem area, and the resolution wasn’t really even complete: we agreed on a tentative vacation plan for next summer (vacations have been an on-going source of conflict).
My intuition is that my wife is less distressed by our relationship problems than I am. Despite our history of problems, she seemed reasonably content with the status quo. I think she feels that any changes are likely to benefit me and hurt her. This is the reason, I think, why she has long resisted going to therapy – and the reason why she isn’t making more of an effort. (I haven’t explicitly discussed this theory with her.)
I’m at a loss as to what to do next. I don’t want to morph into some kind of therapy Nazi who’s always nagging about the need to talk about this topic, or do this marriage exercise, or watch this other video. I still love my wife. I really don’t want to get divorced, and I know my wife would be devastated by a divorce, as well (she’s never been on own, and the thought of it terrifies her). Still, I also feel like we both need to make a sustained, good-faith effort at patching things up. I also feel like the marriage counselor should take a more-active role in helping us resolve our issues.
My wife and I have been married for eight years – and having problems for about the last three. We’ve drifted apart, and we’ve been having more-frequent arguments (often about silly, little things). There has been no infidelity or domestic violence, but our tempers are on edge. Nevertheless, I think we both still love each other and want to stay together.
I’ve been trying to get us into couples’ counseling, but my wife has resisted. However, she finally agreed to go recently. We’ve had four counseling sessions over the past couple of months, but I feel like we’ve made minimal progress. We talked to the counselor, we did some reading on our own, we watched some YouTube videos, and we did some quizzes & exercises at home. But nothing substantial has changed.
Our counselor is very friendly and relaxed. However, his counseling sessions are largely unstructured. A few times I’ve tried to steer the conversation toward some real problem areas. However, my wife would later get upset with me, because she felt like I had blindsided her with topics that she didn’t anticipate discussing. She said I was putting her on the spot. She also thought that my descriptions made her look like the “bad guy”.
So, the last time we had a therapy session (our fourth), I let her take the lead. And... the discussion was very uncontroversial. We just sat around shooting the breeze about various “easy” topics (and sometimes we went off on tangents, like the election). The therapist didn’t direct the conversation much.
At our first counseling session, the therapist did give us some handouts, and he recommended books and videos by John Gottman. So my wife and I each bought our own copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I finished the book within a few weeks. I’m currently re-reading it (the book is excellent). My wife read the first 30 pages or so shortly after she bought the book, but she hasn’t read it since.
The counselor’s handouts were not especially relevant to our situation. However, my wife and I did read them together, and we went through some of the exercises (this all happened in the first few weeks following the initial counseling session). We also watched some on-line videos that featured John Gottman’s lectures. Each time we engaged in one of these “homework” sessions, I was the one who initiated it. The last time we sat down to discuss some of the Gottman materials, my wife didn’t have much enthusiasm for it, and our conversation was forced. It’s been about two weeks since we had any serious discussions. We initially acted on some of the early suggestions in Gottman’s book, but the changes didn’t stick. I hold myself partly responsible for not making more of an effort in this regard.
In all this time, we’ve only really resolved one problem area, and the resolution wasn’t really even complete: we agreed on a tentative vacation plan for next summer (vacations have been an on-going source of conflict).
My intuition is that my wife is less distressed by our relationship problems than I am. Despite our history of problems, she seemed reasonably content with the status quo. I think she feels that any changes are likely to benefit me and hurt her. This is the reason, I think, why she has long resisted going to therapy – and the reason why she isn’t making more of an effort. (I haven’t explicitly discussed this theory with her.)
I’m at a loss as to what to do next. I don’t want to morph into some kind of therapy Nazi who’s always nagging about the need to talk about this topic, or do this marriage exercise, or watch this other video. I still love my wife. I really don’t want to get divorced, and I know my wife would be devastated by a divorce, as well (she’s never been on own, and the thought of it terrifies her). Still, I also feel like we both need to make a sustained, good-faith effort at patching things up. I also feel like the marriage counselor should take a more-active role in helping us resolve our issues.
Look for a new therapist. In my experience, most family therapists are not equipped to deal with couples with entrenched, structural problems like yours seem to be. They'll focus on communication and love languages and those things are important, they are, but often feel superficial for couples with more serious issues. I suggest you look for a therapist who does emotionally focused therapy. This person will get down in there and really talk to about the core dysfunctions in your marriage, what's driving them and how you both can address them.
Also, you include it as an aside but "she’s never been on own, and the thought of it terrifies her" is, I'm guessing, a scab you need to pick in therapy. You mention it as if it is only tangentially related, but I'm guessing it's actually a pretty big clue as to why you conceive of things as going so poorly while she is fine with the status quo.
posted by scantee at 6:43 AM on October 8, 2016 [20 favorites]
Also, you include it as an aside but "she’s never been on own, and the thought of it terrifies her" is, I'm guessing, a scab you need to pick in therapy. You mention it as if it is only tangentially related, but I'm guessing it's actually a pretty big clue as to why you conceive of things as going so poorly while she is fine with the status quo.
posted by scantee at 6:43 AM on October 8, 2016 [20 favorites]
Maybe spend the first part of your next session -with or without your wife in the room- your game plan? What issues you have, how to bring them up in the best way possible, how to communicate so (hopefully) wife doesn't feel like the villain, things you will want to discuss so she doesn't feel 'blindsided' , that you would like therapist to be a little more hands on...
Speaking of, your therapist should be friendly, but not your friend. You are there to do work (though it sounds like your wife might not be) If you can't train your therapist to work well with you in a few more sessions, get a different therapist.
When I went in to couples therapy, it was actually far too late to do anything to save the marriage, but the therapist hit the ground running, and we did actual hard work in both sessions
posted by Jacen at 6:47 AM on October 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Speaking of, your therapist should be friendly, but not your friend. You are there to do work (though it sounds like your wife might not be) If you can't train your therapist to work well with you in a few more sessions, get a different therapist.
When I went in to couples therapy, it was actually far too late to do anything to save the marriage, but the therapist hit the ground running, and we did actual hard work in both sessions
posted by Jacen at 6:47 AM on October 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Just to offer a different perspective - what if this slow pace is exactly what your wife needs to become comfortable to tackle the big issues. If she was resistant to therapy to begin with, and is terrified of being on her own, then no amount of pushing or impatience will make her dive into addressing the issues. If anything, it will likely make her dig into her position.
Change takes time - a lot more time than we expect. I work with people who are eager to change their own habits and things don't usually happen for at least 3-6 months. You're trying to make someone else want to change, which is even more time consuming and difficult.
You can't control how the change happens or how your wife will react to the changes. You can however examine your own behaviours and try new approaches that address your own resentment and impatience with her.
Keep stating your needs for change, but try to avoid assuming that there is only one path for getting there.
posted by A hidden well at 7:17 AM on October 8, 2016 [19 favorites]
Change takes time - a lot more time than we expect. I work with people who are eager to change their own habits and things don't usually happen for at least 3-6 months. You're trying to make someone else want to change, which is even more time consuming and difficult.
You can't control how the change happens or how your wife will react to the changes. You can however examine your own behaviours and try new approaches that address your own resentment and impatience with her.
Keep stating your needs for change, but try to avoid assuming that there is only one path for getting there.
posted by A hidden well at 7:17 AM on October 8, 2016 [19 favorites]
Four times over 2 months is not very much.
However, there are different styles of couples therapy and you might prefer something (and someone) different.
Also, A hidden well has a point.
posted by Obscure Reference at 7:28 AM on October 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
However, there are different styles of couples therapy and you might prefer something (and someone) different.
Also, A hidden well has a point.
posted by Obscure Reference at 7:28 AM on October 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Nevertheless, I think we both still love each other and want to stay together.
??? You think?
Not a lot of personal investment or a sense of long-term, strong commitment in evidence here, from any of you. But under the surface, there are a LOT of issues. Someone who's never been on her own will endure just about anything to avoid the specter of abandonment (not that you would be abandoning her, should things get in conflict- but that is the feeling). conflict-avoidant people dread rocking the boat. Anything is better than that, so nothing is ever allowed to crack that facade. So it very well may be that until she has tackled that issue, progress will not be possible.
Someone has to break this thing open, and see where the chips fall. All you've done is make vacation plans? It sounds like inertia has you both trapped in a stifling cycle of settling.
Everyone sounds really afraid to go anywhere real. The therapist sounds wishy-washy... it's not surprising there isn't more direction, since it sounds like you and your wife both are avoiding the deeper issues.
I wish you courage and hope you can be honest with yourself and your wife, so you can find lives that are fulfilling, via whatever path they turn out to be on.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 8:31 AM on October 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
??? You think?
Not a lot of personal investment or a sense of long-term, strong commitment in evidence here, from any of you. But under the surface, there are a LOT of issues. Someone who's never been on her own will endure just about anything to avoid the specter of abandonment (not that you would be abandoning her, should things get in conflict- but that is the feeling). conflict-avoidant people dread rocking the boat. Anything is better than that, so nothing is ever allowed to crack that facade. So it very well may be that until she has tackled that issue, progress will not be possible.
Someone has to break this thing open, and see where the chips fall. All you've done is make vacation plans? It sounds like inertia has you both trapped in a stifling cycle of settling.
Everyone sounds really afraid to go anywhere real. The therapist sounds wishy-washy... it's not surprising there isn't more direction, since it sounds like you and your wife both are avoiding the deeper issues.
I wish you courage and hope you can be honest with yourself and your wife, so you can find lives that are fulfilling, via whatever path they turn out to be on.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 8:31 AM on October 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
Emotionally Focused Therapy. Sue Johnson.
It's very effective and entirely non-blamey, so your wife should get a lot more out of it.
Dump this therapist. Get a new one!
That said, why doesn't your wife care that you are unhappy? That's a question for therapy. If your wife doesn't care, there might not be anything to "fix." just a decision for you to make. That's a possibility here, too. Is your wife aware it's at that point? You need to make her aware. It's not OK for your needs to go unmet. Best.
posted by jbenben at 8:31 AM on October 8, 2016 [13 favorites]
It's very effective and entirely non-blamey, so your wife should get a lot more out of it.
Dump this therapist. Get a new one!
That said, why doesn't your wife care that you are unhappy? That's a question for therapy. If your wife doesn't care, there might not be anything to "fix." just a decision for you to make. That's a possibility here, too. Is your wife aware it's at that point? You need to make her aware. It's not OK for your needs to go unmet. Best.
posted by jbenben at 8:31 AM on October 8, 2016 [13 favorites]
Seconding jbenben on Enotionally Focused Therapy. I'd highly recommend her book Hold Me Tight. There are also intensive EFT "Hold Me Tight" weekend workshops that could be an awesome option too, depending on where you live. Basically the goal is to learn how to be vulnerable with one another, and respond to each others' fears and deepest attachment needs. It's powerful.
posted by amileighs at 9:06 AM on October 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by amileighs at 9:06 AM on October 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
The way to find a therapist is to try out at least three. There are deffffffinitely some duds out there. Then go more frequently, like weekly sessions for 2-3 months.
posted by salvia at 9:45 AM on October 8, 2016
posted by salvia at 9:45 AM on October 8, 2016
Also, I personally disagree with looking for someone who does a particular "kind" of therapy. In fact, if someone is heavily aligned with just one form, I would probably avoid them unless you're certain that that's the approach you need. The best, most experienced, most intuitively skilled therapists I've met have developed their own approach that's a blend of various approaches based on the needs of the current situation. If a therapist thinks that every situation is best handled with one tool, I'd wonder if they simply lack the other tools.
posted by salvia at 9:50 AM on October 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by salvia at 9:50 AM on October 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Please not: I speak from my experience ONLY.
After 21 years of marriage, went to couples therapy. The therapist asked: Can you think of one day when you were happy with each other? I noted a day but then added that by the end of that day, things were not so good.
I noted too that we seemed ok while with therapist but after, going out for a drink, we would argue about who said what and why it was wrong, etc etc
Now this is a bit special:
I knew a few academics who did couples therapy on the side. One told me (asking me not to say anything because it would be bad for her income): "By the time a couple seeks therapy, it is usually too late to save the marriage." Now that may or may not be true but there it is.
posted by Postroad at 10:01 AM on October 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
After 21 years of marriage, went to couples therapy. The therapist asked: Can you think of one day when you were happy with each other? I noted a day but then added that by the end of that day, things were not so good.
I noted too that we seemed ok while with therapist but after, going out for a drink, we would argue about who said what and why it was wrong, etc etc
Now this is a bit special:
I knew a few academics who did couples therapy on the side. One told me (asking me not to say anything because it would be bad for her income): "By the time a couple seeks therapy, it is usually too late to save the marriage." Now that may or may not be true but there it is.
posted by Postroad at 10:01 AM on October 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
I would try out a new therapist. And I would pick 2-3. And I would ask your wife to be involved in this and emphasize that you want her to feel safe and supported with the therapist and for her not to feel like this is the person she has to work with. Four sessions is not very many. It isn't like you are showing up to work on an uncomplicated fear of flying experience, where 4-6 targeted sessions might change things.
You might also want to look at your own therapy. Maybe it's just because of my own experiences, but I felt concerned that you were driving the entire process and that you have kind of a paternalistic view of your wife, saying "she’s never been on own, and the thought of it terrifies her". Maybe you could work with your own therapist to look at some of this and whether you could approach from another angle that might feel safer for your wife, before you revisit couples counselling.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 10:07 AM on October 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
You might also want to look at your own therapy. Maybe it's just because of my own experiences, but I felt concerned that you were driving the entire process and that you have kind of a paternalistic view of your wife, saying "she’s never been on own, and the thought of it terrifies her". Maybe you could work with your own therapist to look at some of this and whether you could approach from another angle that might feel safer for your wife, before you revisit couples counselling.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 10:07 AM on October 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Speaking from experience. If things are very tense in your marriage, to a degree that it is a problem and that is very clear to both parties, and one party is not proactively engaged in resolving the problem, then the difficulties will not be resolved. One person cannot do it alone. Even if she is "not talking about it", her lack of action is sending you a very clear message about how she prioritizes your marriage.
Based on what you wrote, I think there is only really one good move that you have to try to break the impasse. You say later in your OP that you suspect that she thinks changes you want will benefit you and hurt her. Do you understand what her fears are about these things, and have you addressed them directly? Have you discussed this in the therapy sessions? Are you willing and able to hear her side of why she would be hurt if things move in the direction you advocate? It may be that you're not able to come to an agreement at all--it may be that objection is something that you're not able to respect or respond to with compassionate problem-solving--but I think it could be helpful if, as you are the more motivated one for change, you could reassure her that you understand her stand and want to find a good solution for both of you.
If you try this approach and she just won't discuss at all, then she's shut you out and there's really not anything you can do. Sorry.
posted by Sublimity at 5:50 PM on October 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Based on what you wrote, I think there is only really one good move that you have to try to break the impasse. You say later in your OP that you suspect that she thinks changes you want will benefit you and hurt her. Do you understand what her fears are about these things, and have you addressed them directly? Have you discussed this in the therapy sessions? Are you willing and able to hear her side of why she would be hurt if things move in the direction you advocate? It may be that you're not able to come to an agreement at all--it may be that objection is something that you're not able to respect or respond to with compassionate problem-solving--but I think it could be helpful if, as you are the more motivated one for change, you could reassure her that you understand her stand and want to find a good solution for both of you.
If you try this approach and she just won't discuss at all, then she's shut you out and there's really not anything you can do. Sorry.
posted by Sublimity at 5:50 PM on October 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
I can think of a lot of reasons to not be overly enthused in this much active participation in therapy .. lots of people's normal reading pace wouldn't involve reading a book in two months, avoidant people don't like difficult conversations, anxious people can only deal with really intense anxiety triggers x hours per week, etc. It seems like your wife actually is participating quite a lot in this whole "therapy" thing she didn't want to do (you don't mention why, and I know that metafilter is really pro therapy, but that doesn't seem to be a consensus opinion overall in the world), but not having the sort of attitude and enthusiasm you would like to see. I also would become more and more grumbly and resentful should this happen to me.
Also .. is your wife overstressed? Does she work long hours or commute? Be mindful of how much actual time she has to herself, and how much of that is now devoted to this therapy thing she doesn't seem to like.
Final thought, maybe the election wasn't a tangent but something deeply important to her, and you don't listen closely enough to her when she's trying to communicate things important to her. Maybe her major pain points are things that you consider "easy" or off topic.
posted by shownomercy at 7:23 PM on October 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Also .. is your wife overstressed? Does she work long hours or commute? Be mindful of how much actual time she has to herself, and how much of that is now devoted to this therapy thing she doesn't seem to like.
Final thought, maybe the election wasn't a tangent but something deeply important to her, and you don't listen closely enough to her when she's trying to communicate things important to her. Maybe her major pain points are things that you consider "easy" or off topic.
posted by shownomercy at 7:23 PM on October 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
I agree with scantee's advice (look for a new therapist, and that it sounds like you have deep issues), but wanted to add a little, based on my experience. I'm not familiar with the nuances of different types of therapy, but to me the point of therapy is to help you tackle the hard questions in your relationship in a safe way. Initially you should discuss difficult issues with the help of the therapist, but moving toward talking to your wife directly. If your therapist is not moving you in this direction, I would find another that works better for you.
It also sounds like you have to make a lot of progress if you're going to have a healthy marriage. Neither your counsellor nor your wife sound like they are moving at an appropriate pace to me: it shouldn't take you more than a session or two to get down to brass tacks, especially given you sound like you have some pretty obvious places to start. A good counsellor should be able to help you discuss emotive issues without becoming unproductive, though it probably won't be comfortable. It's never going to be pleasant hearing your spouse describe your failings, but you both need to endure a reasonable amount of it to work through your problems.
In terms of motivating your wife: have you both seriously considered the prospect of getting divorced? Speaking from experience, it's easy to be in denial about how bad your relationship is. If she's disinterested in therapy then maybe she hasn't considered the consequences seriously, and a counsellor should be direct about the possibilities. You're not dragging her to therapy for fun, you're there to try to make your marriage work. Not engaging in therapy is not helping this cause.
Note that I'm not not suggesting that you *threaten* to divorce her, but if you two can't make it work, then you probably should/will divorce. Status quo is not a sustainable option, because you're unhappy enough to be thinking divorce (and you haven't even started discovering your deeper issues yet). You both need to understand that the likely outcome of failure in therapy: that one/both of you will regard divorce as a good option, because it will free you to pursue a healthy relationship/life down the road. Try to put that to her gently but firmly, preferably with the aid of a good therapist.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.
posted by nml at 4:50 AM on October 9, 2016
It also sounds like you have to make a lot of progress if you're going to have a healthy marriage. Neither your counsellor nor your wife sound like they are moving at an appropriate pace to me: it shouldn't take you more than a session or two to get down to brass tacks, especially given you sound like you have some pretty obvious places to start. A good counsellor should be able to help you discuss emotive issues without becoming unproductive, though it probably won't be comfortable. It's never going to be pleasant hearing your spouse describe your failings, but you both need to endure a reasonable amount of it to work through your problems.
In terms of motivating your wife: have you both seriously considered the prospect of getting divorced? Speaking from experience, it's easy to be in denial about how bad your relationship is. If she's disinterested in therapy then maybe she hasn't considered the consequences seriously, and a counsellor should be direct about the possibilities. You're not dragging her to therapy for fun, you're there to try to make your marriage work. Not engaging in therapy is not helping this cause.
Note that I'm not not suggesting that you *threaten* to divorce her, but if you two can't make it work, then you probably should/will divorce. Status quo is not a sustainable option, because you're unhappy enough to be thinking divorce (and you haven't even started discovering your deeper issues yet). You both need to understand that the likely outcome of failure in therapy: that one/both of you will regard divorce as a good option, because it will free you to pursue a healthy relationship/life down the road. Try to put that to her gently but firmly, preferably with the aid of a good therapist.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.
posted by nml at 4:50 AM on October 9, 2016
Have you sought personal therapy? Some time to talk 1:1 might help. It helped me with my relationship, to get better at how to see things from my partners POV and not be dismissive of his feelings. I see my old self in a lot of what you've written here, and there are other better more compassionate ways to approach your wife and help her see what she has to gain if you are happier and happier together.
Actually, I was helped by a combination of counseling and of some job-related communications training courses. So there are many sources for self-help books and structures to use. But for how to apply the book's techniques and getting past your blind spots, a counselor is helpful.
Also - Maybe ask your therapist what he thinks seems to be your dynamic and what he would recommend you actually change or work on, more specifically? Because if you are talking all the time, you aren't learning.
posted by Lady Li at 10:48 AM on October 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Actually, I was helped by a combination of counseling and of some job-related communications training courses. So there are many sources for self-help books and structures to use. But for how to apply the book's techniques and getting past your blind spots, a counselor is helpful.
Also - Maybe ask your therapist what he thinks seems to be your dynamic and what he would recommend you actually change or work on, more specifically? Because if you are talking all the time, you aren't learning.
posted by Lady Li at 10:48 AM on October 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
I was thinking about this thread a bit more today, and was reminded of something that was really revelatory as I was going through the process of divorce, after a very long time of struggle in my marriage. I was attending a counseling class for parents who are divorcing and the presenter talked about people in marital struggle and failure going through the five stages of grief--denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance. He pointed out that both people go through it, though not at the same time. It was hugely impactful to look back at our history and sure enough, I could pretty much mark out those epochs in my path, and make a pretty good guess at them for my husband too.
I say this because, sometimes now when I read questions about people who are in the midst of marital struggle, I put it in that frame. I think the questions tend to get posted when the OP is in the bargaining part (what can I do to make this better, what can I do to get my partner to see, can anyone throw me a lifeline). It's harder to gauge where anyone's partner is, but in a situation like this one where the other person is just not dealing at all, it reads a lot like the denial stage.
I think that a way this frame can be helpful is to recognize that, for you, there are going to be phases of sadness and then acceptance. The question may be, what do you accept, and what do you grieve? Do you accept that the marriage will never be what you really hoped it would be, and grieve that dream? Or do you accept that you can't stay in the marriage any longer, and grieve that loss? It's a really hard choice to make, but there may be some comfort in knowing that there will be an end point, eventually.
The other way that this frame can be helpful it to know that your spouse has their own trajectory. Will it help you to be a better partner, even if what you choose to divorce, if you can recognize the anger phase coming on her, the bargaining, her own sadness, before her own acceptance?
Good luck to both of you. I know how awful it is to be stuck in this way.
posted by Sublimity at 10:52 AM on October 9, 2016 [5 favorites]
I say this because, sometimes now when I read questions about people who are in the midst of marital struggle, I put it in that frame. I think the questions tend to get posted when the OP is in the bargaining part (what can I do to make this better, what can I do to get my partner to see, can anyone throw me a lifeline). It's harder to gauge where anyone's partner is, but in a situation like this one where the other person is just not dealing at all, it reads a lot like the denial stage.
I think that a way this frame can be helpful is to recognize that, for you, there are going to be phases of sadness and then acceptance. The question may be, what do you accept, and what do you grieve? Do you accept that the marriage will never be what you really hoped it would be, and grieve that dream? Or do you accept that you can't stay in the marriage any longer, and grieve that loss? It's a really hard choice to make, but there may be some comfort in knowing that there will be an end point, eventually.
The other way that this frame can be helpful it to know that your spouse has their own trajectory. Will it help you to be a better partner, even if what you choose to divorce, if you can recognize the anger phase coming on her, the bargaining, her own sadness, before her own acceptance?
Good luck to both of you. I know how awful it is to be stuck in this way.
posted by Sublimity at 10:52 AM on October 9, 2016 [5 favorites]
If your wife doesn't want to put forth any actual effort, then nothing will ever get better. This is basically the state my marriage is in currently -- months of counseling amounted to nothing because he made hardly any effort, and since I decided to end counseling due to lack of progress, he's given up completely. I've been struggling to come to terms with the fact that it needs to end for many months now. Do yourself a favor and get out before you waste any more time.
posted by a strong female character at 8:14 PM on October 10, 2016
posted by a strong female character at 8:14 PM on October 10, 2016
« Older I can't stop thinking of every man as a potential... | Tips for a Southern New Mexico Road Trip Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by theseldomseenkid at 5:34 AM on October 8, 2016 [2 favorites]