How do I relax and be myself in a new relationship?
October 3, 2016 6:31 AM Subscribe
I mean the type of anxiety when you first spend prolonged time together and you just let things flow. I am constantly running out of things to say and having awkward moments. This has happened with pretty much everyone I ever dated, so I know I am the problem.
I find it really hard to just hang out and let things flow naturally. I ran out of things to say even over text. In person, I come across as too quiet and I know it's not presenting myself in the best light. It's like after a first few dates of scripted conversation, I start to lose ideas of what to talk about. There is only so much that happens on day to day basis.
I usually get so uncomfortable after I know I should be talking, that I start telling random stories (either repeating things I already said, or saying random obvious things about our environment). I also get so desperate to say something that I randomly over-share about my ex boyfriends and it only makes things worse.
I struggle with this issue even with platonic friends and people I have known for years. Only in those cases, they are less likely never to see me again - so I don't care as much. But the proof that it still happens makes me think that it's more me than any kind of lack of connection.
How do I become more natural and stop over-thinking? I am spending a day with my new guy soon and I am really scared of awkward silence turning him off. Any advice would be helpful.
I find it really hard to just hang out and let things flow naturally. I ran out of things to say even over text. In person, I come across as too quiet and I know it's not presenting myself in the best light. It's like after a first few dates of scripted conversation, I start to lose ideas of what to talk about. There is only so much that happens on day to day basis.
I usually get so uncomfortable after I know I should be talking, that I start telling random stories (either repeating things I already said, or saying random obvious things about our environment). I also get so desperate to say something that I randomly over-share about my ex boyfriends and it only makes things worse.
I struggle with this issue even with platonic friends and people I have known for years. Only in those cases, they are less likely never to see me again - so I don't care as much. But the proof that it still happens makes me think that it's more me than any kind of lack of connection.
How do I become more natural and stop over-thinking? I am spending a day with my new guy soon and I am really scared of awkward silence turning him off. Any advice would be helpful.
I struggle with this issue even with platonic friends and people I have known for years.
You're taking this as evidence that you are the problem. What if it's just evidence that lulls in conversation happen sometimes, and it's perfectly fine for both parties to wait a few beats before anyone gets to the next statement or question? Anxiety makes a minute feel like an hour, so consider that the silences are not as long or awkward as you perceive them to be.
On Preview: what schroedingersgirl said.
posted by whoiam at 7:25 AM on October 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
You're taking this as evidence that you are the problem. What if it's just evidence that lulls in conversation happen sometimes, and it's perfectly fine for both parties to wait a few beats before anyone gets to the next statement or question? Anxiety makes a minute feel like an hour, so consider that the silences are not as long or awkward as you perceive them to be.
On Preview: what schroedingersgirl said.
posted by whoiam at 7:25 AM on October 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Can you reframe the silence from "awkward" to "comfortable?" There's nothing wrong with a lull in conversation. And perhaps nobody but you perceives the silence as awkward!
As far as the blabbing away to fill silence... it's hard. I do it too. But I've kind of reframed it to view it as a defense mechanism that keeps people from knowing the real me. Because the real me isn't always a chatty mcchatterson! So I've been more deliberate and mindful in letting silence sit comfortably.
And in terms of this new guy, you don't really know him yet. Maybe he's the quiet type too. Maybe he'll relish dating someone who isn't especially chatty.
If you get more comfortable with the fact that you're not a 100% chatty person, and he's not into that, then perhaps he's just not the right guy for you. And that's okay!
Your blabbing away might be a small way you're contorting yourself into being what you think others want you to be. Which never ends well.
(As an aside: perhaps a shift in the type of date you go on would help. Dinner or drinks dates can be a bit more awkward for silence because you're sitting across from each other, and the pressure to chat is high.
But a nice walk in the park, or trip to an amusement park, or I dunno... rock climbing would let you have a more comfortable silence.)
Hope this helps, and good luck! You'll have fun.
posted by functionequalsform at 7:30 AM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
As far as the blabbing away to fill silence... it's hard. I do it too. But I've kind of reframed it to view it as a defense mechanism that keeps people from knowing the real me. Because the real me isn't always a chatty mcchatterson! So I've been more deliberate and mindful in letting silence sit comfortably.
And in terms of this new guy, you don't really know him yet. Maybe he's the quiet type too. Maybe he'll relish dating someone who isn't especially chatty.
If you get more comfortable with the fact that you're not a 100% chatty person, and he's not into that, then perhaps he's just not the right guy for you. And that's okay!
Your blabbing away might be a small way you're contorting yourself into being what you think others want you to be. Which never ends well.
(As an aside: perhaps a shift in the type of date you go on would help. Dinner or drinks dates can be a bit more awkward for silence because you're sitting across from each other, and the pressure to chat is high.
But a nice walk in the park, or trip to an amusement park, or I dunno... rock climbing would let you have a more comfortable silence.)
Hope this helps, and good luck! You'll have fun.
posted by functionequalsform at 7:30 AM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
I have the gift of the gab and love to talk on dates but there are lots of different dating styles. Some people want to get to know their date by doing activities. If you find it taxing to sit across a table from your date exchanging anecdotes then change the game. Go bowling. Rent a canoe. Go see a play. Go to a trivia night. Be proactive in choosing an environment in which you will feel comfortable. Date the way you want to date, and if it feels bad, then change the way you are dating. If your date doesn't like your dating style, then you were not meant to be anyway.
posted by deathpanels at 7:43 AM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by deathpanels at 7:43 AM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
schroedingersgirl makes a good point about constant conversation not being the be-all-end-all of relationships. That said, there are simple things you can do to encourage natural conversation.
1. Follow the news, taking note about the daily stories that interest you. Later you can ask him what he thinks about them, and if he didn't read the news you can catch him up.
2. Do activities together. Hiking, shopping, board games, etc. With something else to occupy you, subjects will occur naturally and you won't have to force topics as much. When things get to that level, you can have other people involved, and conversation will grow exponentially.
3. Keep a list of universal conversation starters: questions and topics that you can ask anyone. He's lived an entire life; so have you. If you start to think about it, you can identify the moments that speak to what makes a person who they are, and you can keep the questions that arise from those moments to ask anyone you're interested in knowing better. Everything you're interested in entails a question. Have you ever been in love? Have you ever had your heart broken? What would you do if you won the lottery? Are you working in your ideal career? Is there anything you would change about yourself if you could? Are you going to watch the Oscars? Are there any fictional characters you relate to? There are infinite possibilities here, and the more you ask, the better you will be at it.
posted by millions at 7:58 AM on October 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
1. Follow the news, taking note about the daily stories that interest you. Later you can ask him what he thinks about them, and if he didn't read the news you can catch him up.
2. Do activities together. Hiking, shopping, board games, etc. With something else to occupy you, subjects will occur naturally and you won't have to force topics as much. When things get to that level, you can have other people involved, and conversation will grow exponentially.
3. Keep a list of universal conversation starters: questions and topics that you can ask anyone. He's lived an entire life; so have you. If you start to think about it, you can identify the moments that speak to what makes a person who they are, and you can keep the questions that arise from those moments to ask anyone you're interested in knowing better. Everything you're interested in entails a question. Have you ever been in love? Have you ever had your heart broken? What would you do if you won the lottery? Are you working in your ideal career? Is there anything you would change about yourself if you could? Are you going to watch the Oscars? Are there any fictional characters you relate to? There are infinite possibilities here, and the more you ask, the better you will be at it.
posted by millions at 7:58 AM on October 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
I once heard someone say of me, Yes, Boscosmom is someone you can be quiet around. I've spent perfectly lovely afternoons reading magazines or books with another person, no talking at all beyond, I'm making tea, you want some? Trying to make conversation when you don't really have anything to say sounds exhausting.
You could try enlisting your friend in an experiment where you don't talk at all for a day, it's amazing how much you can communicate without talking at all. It may make you feel more at ease with silence.
posted by BoscosMom at 8:01 AM on October 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
You could try enlisting your friend in an experiment where you don't talk at all for a day, it's amazing how much you can communicate without talking at all. It may make you feel more at ease with silence.
posted by BoscosMom at 8:01 AM on October 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
I agree with the above that getting more comfortable with the silences can help, but when it's someone new, that's especially hard. My advice is to be curious: there are tons of listicles on-line about questions to ask others from favorite books/movies and why to what their family was like growing up. I find that when I'm curious about another person I stop feeling less like I have to perform ("I'm on a date, I must act a certain way and keep conversation perfect! Ack!") and more like this is an interesting human in front of me, and if I'm curious about what they like and what they think, they will tell me Interest things.
But also, another thing that helped was therapy for the anxiety, just saying.
posted by ldthomps at 8:29 AM on October 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
But also, another thing that helped was therapy for the anxiety, just saying.
posted by ldthomps at 8:29 AM on October 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Let the silences be, don't feel like you have to break them. It's not the silences that are awkward, it's the panicked attempts to fill them, the starts and stops of failed conversation bids. So what you can do to help things flow is to be ready to respond to bids that are offered.
So an example, if he comments on something you see around you (hey, look at that guy with his tiny dog, that's crazy) you can say a huge number of things to that. If your default response "Umm yeah, haha" then the conversation is over. But you can say "what kind of dog is that, anyway?" or "Are small dogs inherently not macho enough? what if it were wearing a black leather spiked collar?" or "so what's the smallest dog you think a man should own?" or "what would be your ideal dog breed?" or "do you have a dog? have you owned dogs all your life?" or "No, I think he's perfect!" or "It's like the correlation between sports cars and small penises, maybe that guy just has nothing to prove", or "I think people should only have big dogs if they live in the suburbs and have more space, a dog like that is perfect for an apartment." or "I wonder if dog breed preferences been getting smaller as we move toward more urban populations. Is there a website that tracks stuff like that?" or "ha! yeah, I've never had a dog myself, I dogsit for my cousin, but I'm just not into them enough to have one around all the time. I think I'd go for a small one if I did though" My point is that you can turn any comment into getting him to tell stories about himself, or about his views of the world, or into telling stories about yourself or your view of the world, or trivia questions you can look up online, or all sorts of different conversations. You don't have to make conversations interesting or perfect, or frantically fill in silences, you just have to stand there on the verbal tennis court prepared for something to come your way, and ready to bounce the conversation back at him if you can.
posted by aimedwander at 8:39 AM on October 3, 2016
So an example, if he comments on something you see around you (hey, look at that guy with his tiny dog, that's crazy) you can say a huge number of things to that. If your default response "Umm yeah, haha" then the conversation is over. But you can say "what kind of dog is that, anyway?" or "Are small dogs inherently not macho enough? what if it were wearing a black leather spiked collar?" or "so what's the smallest dog you think a man should own?" or "what would be your ideal dog breed?" or "do you have a dog? have you owned dogs all your life?" or "No, I think he's perfect!" or "It's like the correlation between sports cars and small penises, maybe that guy just has nothing to prove", or "I think people should only have big dogs if they live in the suburbs and have more space, a dog like that is perfect for an apartment." or "I wonder if dog breed preferences been getting smaller as we move toward more urban populations. Is there a website that tracks stuff like that?" or "ha! yeah, I've never had a dog myself, I dogsit for my cousin, but I'm just not into them enough to have one around all the time. I think I'd go for a small one if I did though" My point is that you can turn any comment into getting him to tell stories about himself, or about his views of the world, or into telling stories about yourself or your view of the world, or trivia questions you can look up online, or all sorts of different conversations. You don't have to make conversations interesting or perfect, or frantically fill in silences, you just have to stand there on the verbal tennis court prepared for something to come your way, and ready to bounce the conversation back at him if you can.
posted by aimedwander at 8:39 AM on October 3, 2016
I'd advise focusing on the connective aspects of any conversations you find yourself in. What is it that resonates with you that he's said, and how does it make you feel? Can you banter a little? Joust him with your energy. Be proud of the fact that you are a person who deserves love and affection; you will be fine no matter what. Let little awkwardnesses go. Trust. Experience & live. Be. Laugh about them. Remind yourself you needn't dwell in them or upon them. Say more about how you're feeling at that moment, even at the expense of having said something 'more-perfect.' I find a lot of times that when I am connecting at my very best with people, I am not actively trying to worry about how to be a better communicator, but instead am simply letting myself coexist with them as peacefully as possible. Because, really, that's what it's about, is getting comfortable with each other.
Moreover: the right people will want to learn about you and will enjoy any part of your presence :) enjoy this day a little extra!!
posted by a good beginning at 9:06 AM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
Moreover: the right people will want to learn about you and will enjoy any part of your presence :) enjoy this day a little extra!!
posted by a good beginning at 9:06 AM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
Also when in doubt, ask people about themselves. It's every human being's favorite subject. Don't focus on surface details like where they work or what they did over the weekend. Try to hack away the elevator chit-chat and find out what they're passionate about, then ask questions and listen.
posted by deathpanels at 9:58 AM on October 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by deathpanels at 9:58 AM on October 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
a good beginning and BoscosMom have advice that I really suggest. I just started dating someone who is an introvert, takes a long time to process what they want to say and thinks it all through first, and also really enjoys silences.
A lot of is getting used to the fact that it takes time to settle into silence. And that usually, if the silence goes on long enough, someone usually brings up something. I'm an extrovert and have studied active listening and those awesome questions articles, but I have learned to relax and get a thrill out of waiting to hear what the person I'm dating is going to bring or say next, especially since sometimes he's reflecting on something I'm saying earlier and it takes a long time for him to process the 50th thousand thing I just brought up. So worth it though.
On your end, I would say, just relax and try to think about what you find interesting about what the other person said. Be curious, notice things, point things out. It's about participating in the moment, and not being performative. I suffer from performance issues too, but with him, I've really had to challenge just owning who I am and being okay with whatever I want to say being fine, even if it means I really don't have anything to say for about 2 minutes. It's okay. You'll get it.
posted by yueliang at 12:55 PM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
A lot of is getting used to the fact that it takes time to settle into silence. And that usually, if the silence goes on long enough, someone usually brings up something. I'm an extrovert and have studied active listening and those awesome questions articles, but I have learned to relax and get a thrill out of waiting to hear what the person I'm dating is going to bring or say next, especially since sometimes he's reflecting on something I'm saying earlier and it takes a long time for him to process the 50th thousand thing I just brought up. So worth it though.
On your end, I would say, just relax and try to think about what you find interesting about what the other person said. Be curious, notice things, point things out. It's about participating in the moment, and not being performative. I suffer from performance issues too, but with him, I've really had to challenge just owning who I am and being okay with whatever I want to say being fine, even if it means I really don't have anything to say for about 2 minutes. It's okay. You'll get it.
posted by yueliang at 12:55 PM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
In person, I come across as too quiet ..., I start to lose ideas of what to talk about. There is only so much that happens on day to day basis.
It takes two, OP. You're taking on the full burden of maintaining the conversation, and you're being over-critical of the conversation that you do make. Remember that your date is also out of things to talk about. Reframe this as a joint project. Sit in silence. Have a laugh about how you're having a good evening even without talking.
I ... start telling random stories (either repeating things I already said, or saying random obvious things about our environment).
This is a description of "making conversation". You're OK.
posted by JimN2TAW at 3:07 PM on October 3, 2016
It takes two, OP. You're taking on the full burden of maintaining the conversation, and you're being over-critical of the conversation that you do make. Remember that your date is also out of things to talk about. Reframe this as a joint project. Sit in silence. Have a laugh about how you're having a good evening even without talking.
I ... start telling random stories (either repeating things I already said, or saying random obvious things about our environment).
This is a description of "making conversation". You're OK.
posted by JimN2TAW at 3:07 PM on October 3, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
If your new guy is turned off by a little silence, I don't think he's the right guy for you. :)
posted by schroedingersgirl at 7:22 AM on October 3, 2016 [11 favorites]