I guess this problem won't fix itself, and it's time to face that.
August 16, 2016 10:10 AM Subscribe
My sweet, strong, beloved Momma has become a high-functioning alcoholic in the last few years. All the literature I can find on talking to an alcoholic start with "tired of begging, pleading and fighting with your loved one about their drinking?" Well, no, I'm not, because no one has ever even MENTIONED it to my mother. Where do I/we start? I'm scared.
I didn't grow up with alcoholic parents. I grew up with the kind of parents that fictional orphans pine for. Loving, creative, funny, nurturing, supportive, kind. Both my parents have always been drinkers, but in a casual kind of way, though probably on the high end of what is acceptable. I would estimate that each of them drank about 3 beers between say, 6 and 11pm nightly. That's a bit over the limit of what is considered normal, but was always just a constant in my life, and neither of them ever increased it. My dad was a touring musician from when he he was 17 until he was 33 or so, and my mom spent until she was 30 touring with my dad's bands, so I think they were just settled into a sort of "work/perform in a pub, then have beers to relax after" lifestyle. My mom's father was also an alcoholic when she was growing up, she moved out at 14 to escape him. He was sober by the time he was my grandpa, so I never knew this until I was older.
My mom was diagnosed with aggressive stage 2 breast cancer when I was 14. She was told to put her affairs in order because there was a very low chance of survival. Well, my mom is crazy tough, and it's been 15 years since she was declared cancer free, which I'm very thankful for. Cancer treatment did, however, provide her with some demons, and some food/drink aversions. Can't eat white rice, can't drink beer. My mom became a red wine drinker, and now.. has become an alcoholic. I am now 30, and this has only been in the last 5-7 years, it's hard to pinpoint when "drinking" became "problem drinking." But I mean, at this point, when she's kicking 2 bottles of wine in a night at least 4 nights a week, the problem is clear. However, she's deep in denial, and says she drinks "two or three glasses a night" and has no consequences for it. She never misses work, etc etc. All the checklists for "are you an alcoholic" put her firmly in the "no" category because she manages her life well, and other than the fact that she drinks herself into a stupor all the time, doesn't really seem like an alcoholic.
Anyways, all this is just to set the stage for where I'm at. My Momma, who is one of my best friends, is going to drink herself to death, and no one, not me, not my dad, not my older brother or younger sister, has ever really talked to her about this. We have all sadly talked to each other about it, but feel that confronting her will just make her angry at us and not help in any way. But it's sad and scary to watch, and it definitely strains our family. My mom is super mean to my dad when she's drunk, and me and my sister especially, have sort of a fierce protectiveness of our cute dad. I don't like seeing him abused by someone he loves, and I don't like seeing my mom drink herself away after she fought so hard to be here with us.
Last night my mom got her license taken away for 3 months for driving under the influence of alcohol. I know this is a touchy subject for a lot of people and I really understand the consequences of drunk driving, and I feel that this is a good time for me to start the conversation with my mom about how out of control her drinking has gotten, because this is the first time there has been a real consequence that I can point to. And I am... totally out of my element. I don't know how to start without making her defensive, I don't know how to do any of this. I honestly don't even know how to deal with this, or start to deal with it. I looked into Al-Anon, and me and my sister might go try a meeting when I'm home next week. I'm wary of the Christianity aspect of it because I don't believe in that kind of stuff, and I feel against the idea that there's nothing you can do to change an alcoholic.. I'm more interested in the CRAFT method if the goal is trying to get my mom into some kind of treatment. IS that the goal?
Any thoughts or help, scripts or ideas would be really really appreciated. I'm just feeling lost and alone and nervous and scared. I'm scared to lose my mom to anger over this, and I'm scared to lose her to the drinking too. I need her.
Thanks in advance. Sorry this is so long and snowflakey. It's just.. really hard and confusing.
I didn't grow up with alcoholic parents. I grew up with the kind of parents that fictional orphans pine for. Loving, creative, funny, nurturing, supportive, kind. Both my parents have always been drinkers, but in a casual kind of way, though probably on the high end of what is acceptable. I would estimate that each of them drank about 3 beers between say, 6 and 11pm nightly. That's a bit over the limit of what is considered normal, but was always just a constant in my life, and neither of them ever increased it. My dad was a touring musician from when he he was 17 until he was 33 or so, and my mom spent until she was 30 touring with my dad's bands, so I think they were just settled into a sort of "work/perform in a pub, then have beers to relax after" lifestyle. My mom's father was also an alcoholic when she was growing up, she moved out at 14 to escape him. He was sober by the time he was my grandpa, so I never knew this until I was older.
My mom was diagnosed with aggressive stage 2 breast cancer when I was 14. She was told to put her affairs in order because there was a very low chance of survival. Well, my mom is crazy tough, and it's been 15 years since she was declared cancer free, which I'm very thankful for. Cancer treatment did, however, provide her with some demons, and some food/drink aversions. Can't eat white rice, can't drink beer. My mom became a red wine drinker, and now.. has become an alcoholic. I am now 30, and this has only been in the last 5-7 years, it's hard to pinpoint when "drinking" became "problem drinking." But I mean, at this point, when she's kicking 2 bottles of wine in a night at least 4 nights a week, the problem is clear. However, she's deep in denial, and says she drinks "two or three glasses a night" and has no consequences for it. She never misses work, etc etc. All the checklists for "are you an alcoholic" put her firmly in the "no" category because she manages her life well, and other than the fact that she drinks herself into a stupor all the time, doesn't really seem like an alcoholic.
Anyways, all this is just to set the stage for where I'm at. My Momma, who is one of my best friends, is going to drink herself to death, and no one, not me, not my dad, not my older brother or younger sister, has ever really talked to her about this. We have all sadly talked to each other about it, but feel that confronting her will just make her angry at us and not help in any way. But it's sad and scary to watch, and it definitely strains our family. My mom is super mean to my dad when she's drunk, and me and my sister especially, have sort of a fierce protectiveness of our cute dad. I don't like seeing him abused by someone he loves, and I don't like seeing my mom drink herself away after she fought so hard to be here with us.
Last night my mom got her license taken away for 3 months for driving under the influence of alcohol. I know this is a touchy subject for a lot of people and I really understand the consequences of drunk driving, and I feel that this is a good time for me to start the conversation with my mom about how out of control her drinking has gotten, because this is the first time there has been a real consequence that I can point to. And I am... totally out of my element. I don't know how to start without making her defensive, I don't know how to do any of this. I honestly don't even know how to deal with this, or start to deal with it. I looked into Al-Anon, and me and my sister might go try a meeting when I'm home next week. I'm wary of the Christianity aspect of it because I don't believe in that kind of stuff, and I feel against the idea that there's nothing you can do to change an alcoholic.. I'm more interested in the CRAFT method if the goal is trying to get my mom into some kind of treatment. IS that the goal?
Any thoughts or help, scripts or ideas would be really really appreciated. I'm just feeling lost and alone and nervous and scared. I'm scared to lose my mom to anger over this, and I'm scared to lose her to the drinking too. I need her.
Thanks in advance. Sorry this is so long and snowflakey. It's just.. really hard and confusing.
I'd start brief and factual, and leave lots of space in the conversation for her to talk. Be curiuos about her perspective and don't hold too tight to a certain outcome. So a script would be something like,
"Mom, is it OK if I talk to you about alcohol?"
Wait for permission. She might say yes, or she might say something defensive like, "Why is everyone always bothering me about my drinking?!" Be prepared that she also might say, 'no'. In which case, you may still feel compelled to say one or two sentences, but that might be the end of the conversation for that day. In any case, your next statement might be:
"I feel worried about your drinking. I've noticed you drinking more over the last few years. Now you've had your license suspended. I'm worried about your safety and your health." Then, take a deep breath, count to three, and say, "What do you think about that?" and just be quiet and listen.
She might get mad, sad, change the subject, etc, but she is likely to share her perspective. Your goal is to keep her talking and focused on her motivation to change. Keep her talking, and keep her focused on that positive change. So some sample things to say as she talks are:
"Tell me more"
"Say more about that"
You can also try repeating back phrases, that keeps people talking, but try to repeat the phrases that are positive. So if she says, "I don't think I can stop. I know it's bad for me." Don't repeat, 'I don't think I can stop.', instead, repeat, "You know alcohol is bad for you". In this way you are amplifying her own, internal motivation to change.
To get more ideas about this, check out Motivational Interviewing. It takes time to learn these skills and they are really most appropriate for a counselor, not a family member, but I think it's helpful for everyone to understand the principles of giving the person the space to find their own, intrinsic motivation for change, instead of trying to force it upon someone.
Having offered this advice, keep in mind you cannot stop your mom from drinking. It's OK to say to her, "As your kid, I feel I must tell you I am concerned about your health and safety, and I hope you will chose to drink less", but that's about the limits of what you can do ultimately. She does have to decide for herself.
If she does want to reduce or stop drinking, you can also offer help looking for treatment programs.
Sorry you're going through this. She is lucky to have a compassionate, caring kid like you.
posted by latkes at 10:24 AM on August 16, 2016 [19 favorites]
"Mom, is it OK if I talk to you about alcohol?"
Wait for permission. She might say yes, or she might say something defensive like, "Why is everyone always bothering me about my drinking?!" Be prepared that she also might say, 'no'. In which case, you may still feel compelled to say one or two sentences, but that might be the end of the conversation for that day. In any case, your next statement might be:
"I feel worried about your drinking. I've noticed you drinking more over the last few years. Now you've had your license suspended. I'm worried about your safety and your health." Then, take a deep breath, count to three, and say, "What do you think about that?" and just be quiet and listen.
She might get mad, sad, change the subject, etc, but she is likely to share her perspective. Your goal is to keep her talking and focused on her motivation to change. Keep her talking, and keep her focused on that positive change. So some sample things to say as she talks are:
"Tell me more"
"Say more about that"
You can also try repeating back phrases, that keeps people talking, but try to repeat the phrases that are positive. So if she says, "I don't think I can stop. I know it's bad for me." Don't repeat, 'I don't think I can stop.', instead, repeat, "You know alcohol is bad for you". In this way you are amplifying her own, internal motivation to change.
To get more ideas about this, check out Motivational Interviewing. It takes time to learn these skills and they are really most appropriate for a counselor, not a family member, but I think it's helpful for everyone to understand the principles of giving the person the space to find their own, intrinsic motivation for change, instead of trying to force it upon someone.
Having offered this advice, keep in mind you cannot stop your mom from drinking. It's OK to say to her, "As your kid, I feel I must tell you I am concerned about your health and safety, and I hope you will chose to drink less", but that's about the limits of what you can do ultimately. She does have to decide for herself.
If she does want to reduce or stop drinking, you can also offer help looking for treatment programs.
Sorry you're going through this. She is lucky to have a compassionate, caring kid like you.
posted by latkes at 10:24 AM on August 16, 2016 [19 favorites]
Oh also, practice the conversation with a friend or loved one a few times first.
posted by latkes at 10:28 AM on August 16, 2016
posted by latkes at 10:28 AM on August 16, 2016
You need a bit of reframing. There have absolutely been consequences to her drinking. The consequences just haven't happened to her. The spousal abuse of your dad is a consequence and has been for a long time. She hasn't gotten CAUGHT until now.
Your mom needs help. The fact that her behavior has scared you into letting you abuse your dad without comment or discussion says a lot about the dynamics at play here. Please start with getting your own thinking clear. Go to Al-Anon. If that doesn't work or you're put-off by the religion thing then look into group or family counseling. Your mom doesn't get a pass on this because her husband was in a band or she's a cancer survivor.
I know you want to help your mom. Your best option might be to get her to qualified, neutral caregiver (her GP or a mental health professional), while you get your head together.
posted by 26.2 at 10:34 AM on August 16, 2016 [14 favorites]
Your mom needs help. The fact that her behavior has scared you into letting you abuse your dad without comment or discussion says a lot about the dynamics at play here. Please start with getting your own thinking clear. Go to Al-Anon. If that doesn't work or you're put-off by the religion thing then look into group or family counseling. Your mom doesn't get a pass on this because her husband was in a band or she's a cancer survivor.
I know you want to help your mom. Your best option might be to get her to qualified, neutral caregiver (her GP or a mental health professional), while you get your head together.
posted by 26.2 at 10:34 AM on August 16, 2016 [14 favorites]
She's unhappy. Find out why. Be prepared to hear that living with your cute Dad has downsides that are difficult to articulate (not saying that this would justify her behavior, just that framing him as a perfect person won't really help her). Be prepared to be sympathetic anyway. "Cute" and "always there" isn't all that one needs from a spouse, especially if one is an intelligent, creative, and kind woman.
Anyway, understanding her unhappiness isn't as important as helping her find her happiness. If she's up for an adventure, get her out on an adventure. If she needs friends who can keep up with her, throw a party or salon.
The drinking is a symptom. Focus on the cause. This is something you _can_ do, and it may or may not involve mentioning the drinking.
She already knows she has a drinking problem; the ticket makes that very clear. She may or may not realize that she has a happiness problem.
posted by amtho at 10:41 AM on August 16, 2016 [13 favorites]
Anyway, understanding her unhappiness isn't as important as helping her find her happiness. If she's up for an adventure, get her out on an adventure. If she needs friends who can keep up with her, throw a party or salon.
The drinking is a symptom. Focus on the cause. This is something you _can_ do, and it may or may not involve mentioning the drinking.
She already knows she has a drinking problem; the ticket makes that very clear. She may or may not realize that she has a happiness problem.
posted by amtho at 10:41 AM on August 16, 2016 [13 favorites]
Seconding the notion that the consequences are there, and have been there for a long time. Consequences in terms of money (how much does it cost to support this level of consumption?), consequences for her health, consequences about your family relationships (not just with her husband), consequences in her social life.
I strongly suggest Al Anon. I recognize that not all meetings are the same, but the one I visited had pretty much no religious content. That's not what it's about. But everyone in the room has a really good idea of what you're going through with your mom--that's what you need. It's there for you and your sister and you will be really, really well served to go.
posted by Sublimity at 11:20 AM on August 16, 2016 [6 favorites]
I strongly suggest Al Anon. I recognize that not all meetings are the same, but the one I visited had pretty much no religious content. That's not what it's about. But everyone in the room has a really good idea of what you're going through with your mom--that's what you need. It's there for you and your sister and you will be really, really well served to go.
posted by Sublimity at 11:20 AM on August 16, 2016 [6 favorites]
She's unhappy. Find out why. Be prepared to hear that living with your cute Dad has downsides that are difficult to articulate (not saying that this would justify her behavior, just that framing him as a perfect person won't really help her).
This is also what stood out to me.
When I was a kid, my mother was abusive to my father. What I didn't realize until much later is what a terrible husband he was to her when they were alone, and how much fear she lived under. When they divorced, she didn't instantly become a great person, but she did become much better.
Alcohol doesn't make people into a bad person if they are a good person - it intensifies their existing feelings. She clearly has some anger at your dad. Maybe it's justified, maybe it's not, but /she/ feels it. And now you, kids, who would have been a mitigating factor, aren't young anymore and don't need her.
Alcohol is a way many people take out of pain because it deadens the sad feelings and provides distance. The easiest way to work on it is to ask about the stuff under. "Mom, you seem sad lately. Is anything going on?"
posted by corb at 12:04 PM on August 16, 2016 [12 favorites]
This is also what stood out to me.
When I was a kid, my mother was abusive to my father. What I didn't realize until much later is what a terrible husband he was to her when they were alone, and how much fear she lived under. When they divorced, she didn't instantly become a great person, but she did become much better.
Alcohol doesn't make people into a bad person if they are a good person - it intensifies their existing feelings. She clearly has some anger at your dad. Maybe it's justified, maybe it's not, but /she/ feels it. And now you, kids, who would have been a mitigating factor, aren't young anymore and don't need her.
Alcohol is a way many people take out of pain because it deadens the sad feelings and provides distance. The easiest way to work on it is to ask about the stuff under. "Mom, you seem sad lately. Is anything going on?"
posted by corb at 12:04 PM on August 16, 2016 [12 favorites]
You might look at some child of alcoholics resources. Al-Anon is sort of the "gold standard" and may be worth at least a visit to a meeting on your part. I agree with those above that your framing of this is not helpful to the situation even as it protects you and your siblings and father. Families are complex, people are complex. People are not all good or all bad.
Try not to catastrophize the future. Know this, though, alcoholism and addiction does not get more sexy with age. That shit catches up with you in a big way – your brain, your organs, your skin, your relationships, your tenacity and fortitude are greatly diminished. This will change your relationship with your mother – hopefully for the best but it's hard to say. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it. Your relationship is already changed and it will only become more so.
In the course of figuring out what to do, you should also look at non-AA avenues for your mom. I'm really intrigued by some drug therapies that are out there for cancelling out the inebriation and/or interrupting the brain response to imbibing. There's been a long narrative about "boot strapping" with alcoholism and I am kind of over it. For a lifelong drinker like your mom (3 beers a day, everyday is a lot of booze), she made need something besides cold-turkey, higher power, stuff.
posted by amanda at 12:41 PM on August 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Try not to catastrophize the future. Know this, though, alcoholism and addiction does not get more sexy with age. That shit catches up with you in a big way – your brain, your organs, your skin, your relationships, your tenacity and fortitude are greatly diminished. This will change your relationship with your mother – hopefully for the best but it's hard to say. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it. Your relationship is already changed and it will only become more so.
In the course of figuring out what to do, you should also look at non-AA avenues for your mom. I'm really intrigued by some drug therapies that are out there for cancelling out the inebriation and/or interrupting the brain response to imbibing. There's been a long narrative about "boot strapping" with alcoholism and I am kind of over it. For a lifelong drinker like your mom (3 beers a day, everyday is a lot of booze), she made need something besides cold-turkey, higher power, stuff.
posted by amanda at 12:41 PM on August 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
i feel for you so deeply, and our stories are eerily similar. i am zero percent religious, but started going to al-anon a couple months ago when i realized i just didn't have the skill set to deal with the things i was trying to manage -- it has blown my damn mind, and helped in ways immeasurable.
i'm so sorry you are dealing with this. please feel free to inbox me if you have any questions about al-anon stuff. i was really hesitant about the "higher power" stuff too, but there are def still other points of entry and understanding for those who aren't really into that part.
posted by crawfo at 1:10 PM on August 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
i'm so sorry you are dealing with this. please feel free to inbox me if you have any questions about al-anon stuff. i was really hesitant about the "higher power" stuff too, but there are def still other points of entry and understanding for those who aren't really into that part.
posted by crawfo at 1:10 PM on August 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
My mom drank herself to several TIAs and a massive stroke, and eventually to death. I lived through mom being angry and disappointed and drunk for the entire time she was around in my life, and am still working through a lot of that in therapy. Dad and I have been functional alcoholics for a long time, but after mom got sick and my doctor had a come-to-Jesus meeting with me regarding the state of my liver when I was about 28, I all but quit except for a beer here and there or a birthday or vacation celebration. And this is after years of abstinence and binge drinking and a stint in AA and making quite horrible financial and personal decisions but keeping my career and my house and my credit score. Many of my friends, coworkers, and the like had conversations with me about my drinking, but because I hadn't "lost" anything, I had assured them I was just fine.
TL;DR - people don't get help for their addictions unless THEY want to. No amount of badgering or pleading or questioning is going to lead someone to make positive changes unless they make that decision for themselves. Hopefully, your mom's doctor is as responsible and caring as mine is, and will have a conversation with her after her next round of bloodwork. But maybe encouraging her to talk to a counselor or clergy person if she feels like she has things shed like to discuss, and letting her know that you're her child and her friend and you are open and willing to help her make some healthy changes in her life - framing this as "I want you to be healthy so dad and sis and I can enjoy lots of fun family time together in the future" might be the best way to approach the situation, and not even discussing her alcoholism unless she wants to. Know that tee-totaling isn't always the answer for everyone's drinking; some people can continue to drink in moderation once they define boundaries for themselves and find themselves less physically and psychologically dependent on alcohol. For yourself, a good counselor or clergy person or Al-Anon would be great for discussing your feelings regarding your mom's drinking, because if she's struggling with an addiction, your feelings may not make things easier for her. I wish you the best of luck for you and your family, and healthy decisions for your mom.
If you need to vent, you can memail me.
posted by sara is disenchanted at 1:15 PM on August 16, 2016 [5 favorites]
TL;DR - people don't get help for their addictions unless THEY want to. No amount of badgering or pleading or questioning is going to lead someone to make positive changes unless they make that decision for themselves. Hopefully, your mom's doctor is as responsible and caring as mine is, and will have a conversation with her after her next round of bloodwork. But maybe encouraging her to talk to a counselor or clergy person if she feels like she has things shed like to discuss, and letting her know that you're her child and her friend and you are open and willing to help her make some healthy changes in her life - framing this as "I want you to be healthy so dad and sis and I can enjoy lots of fun family time together in the future" might be the best way to approach the situation, and not even discussing her alcoholism unless she wants to. Know that tee-totaling isn't always the answer for everyone's drinking; some people can continue to drink in moderation once they define boundaries for themselves and find themselves less physically and psychologically dependent on alcohol. For yourself, a good counselor or clergy person or Al-Anon would be great for discussing your feelings regarding your mom's drinking, because if she's struggling with an addiction, your feelings may not make things easier for her. I wish you the best of luck for you and your family, and healthy decisions for your mom.
If you need to vent, you can memail me.
posted by sara is disenchanted at 1:15 PM on August 16, 2016 [5 favorites]
Please get to Al-Anon as soon as possible. You sound so lost and it will really help you to orient yourself in this disease.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:19 PM on August 16, 2016
posted by DarlingBri at 1:19 PM on August 16, 2016
I wonder if this has anything to do with her cancer treatment. People can develop ptsd from medical treatment, or she may be in pain or very unhappy with her post-treatment physical abilities or appearance. Or she may have cognitive damage from the chemo. I think it's worth approaching this from that perspective first. Invasive medical treatment is life saving but it doesn't leave you unchanged. She may regret some of it or if she's in daily pain she may resent what was done to her. She may not be absorbing food and be deficient in B12 or D vitamins or something else that makes her depressed or unable to regulate her emotions properly.
posted by fshgrl at 2:27 PM on August 16, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 2:27 PM on August 16, 2016 [7 favorites]
The April issue of The Atlantic has a great story about treatments for alcohol abuse. I recommend you read it.
posted by SyraCarol at 6:30 PM on August 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by SyraCarol at 6:30 PM on August 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Mom, you know I love you. I'm worried about the effects alcohol is having on your life. If there's anything I can do to help, I'm here for you.
posted by theora55 at 7:55 PM on August 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 7:55 PM on August 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
Ok. You want to help her. You're trying to figure out the best way to help her. Boy howdy is this all familiar to me. Here is something important to remember - you cannot help her if she is not ready for help. That's not a comforting thought at all... no one likes feeling helpless like that. But, something more important to remember: No matter how bad her drinking gets, or what consequences she suffers for it (or even what consequences you, your father or your siblings might suffer as a result of her drinking) you must always remember that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn't fail somehow that caused her to start drinking. You didn't fail because you couldn't figure out a way to make her stop drinking. In the end, we are all responsible for the choices we make and this includes what can happen when drinking alcohol. She is responsible for her choices, not you.
No matter what she may say, she has a problem and you're justified to be worried about it. When anything you do in life, whether it be drinking, drugs, eating, sex, gambling, or whatever starts negatively affecting you or others and you can't stop doing it, you have a problem. She may say she doesn't, but she clearly does. Being abusive and drinking to the point of ending up with a DUI and yet not being willing to stop... those are clear signs that she has a problem. You aren't overreacting. Feel free to say your piece, that you feel she has a problem and here's why, but also be ready to accept that it may not got farther than that.
Be wary of your own drinking. If she had an alcoholic father, and she's an alcoholic, you're at a higher risk yourself. (Both of my parents were. I don't drink at all; I had three siblings get hooked.) If the opportunity comes to help her pick herself back up, you can help her with that, but there use concentrate on keeping your health and sanity.
Take care of yourself. Do check into Al-Anon.
posted by azpenguin at 10:19 PM on August 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
No matter what she may say, she has a problem and you're justified to be worried about it. When anything you do in life, whether it be drinking, drugs, eating, sex, gambling, or whatever starts negatively affecting you or others and you can't stop doing it, you have a problem. She may say she doesn't, but she clearly does. Being abusive and drinking to the point of ending up with a DUI and yet not being willing to stop... those are clear signs that she has a problem. You aren't overreacting. Feel free to say your piece, that you feel she has a problem and here's why, but also be ready to accept that it may not got farther than that.
Be wary of your own drinking. If she had an alcoholic father, and she's an alcoholic, you're at a higher risk yourself. (Both of my parents were. I don't drink at all; I had three siblings get hooked.) If the opportunity comes to help her pick herself back up, you can help her with that, but there use concentrate on keeping your health and sanity.
Take care of yourself. Do check into Al-Anon.
posted by azpenguin at 10:19 PM on August 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
On the Al-Anon front, a central tenant is to "take what you like and leave the rest." No part of the program is mandatory--traditional, perhaps, but not mandatory. For example, because I'm an atheist, the higher power I have chosen is reality. Here's another example: part of the traditional third step goes "Turned my will and my life over to the power of God as I understood him." Now, I grew up in a fundamentalist church and that's exactly what that church preached. I could never follow the third step as written. My sponsor let me know I could write my own third step, so I did. This is all simply to say, that Al-Anon can work for people of no faith or any faith if you're willing to sit through references to God which as understood to mean a higher power, which can be anything you want including physics. My mom died too early, partly as a result of damage from a period of serious drinking earlier in her life. I am so sorry you are facing such a painful situation. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:00 PM on August 16, 2016
posted by Bella Donna at 11:00 PM on August 16, 2016
It can also help you to learn more about the science of addiction. Mefi's Own maias has written a really good book about it, Unbroken Brain. It's not about how to help someone, exactly, but understanding why my dad drinks has made me better able to support him as he tries to stop.
Your mum needs your love and support right now. You can best give that to her if you have all the info and support that you need. Big hugs and all the good luck for all of you!
posted by harriet vane at 6:37 AM on August 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Your mum needs your love and support right now. You can best give that to her if you have all the info and support that you need. Big hugs and all the good luck for all of you!
posted by harriet vane at 6:37 AM on August 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'd like to second the comments that mentioned preparing yourself to possibly hear some negative things about your dad/family in general. When there are underlying family problems, sometimes our perception of our perfect family growing up may not always match reality - partly because our parents wanted us to have a perfect childhood. None of that means that you shouldn't try to give this a go. Just realize that she may say some things that you disagree with or feel very differently about; that's okay. Let her feel differently, and don't try to "prove" to her that your family/dad is great, even if you're feeling defensive. Just listen.
Also, remember that while there are things you can definitely do to help (and you are super awesome and should be proud of yourself for taking action) you cannot be your mom's therapist. Do what you can, and encourage her to get professional help. Also, i would definitely follow the advice of other commenters and seek some professional direction yourself as to how to deal with all this.
posted by quiet_musings at 1:48 AM on August 18, 2016
Also, remember that while there are things you can definitely do to help (and you are super awesome and should be proud of yourself for taking action) you cannot be your mom's therapist. Do what you can, and encourage her to get professional help. Also, i would definitely follow the advice of other commenters and seek some professional direction yourself as to how to deal with all this.
posted by quiet_musings at 1:48 AM on August 18, 2016
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If yes, you can go with her to her GP, that's the best way to begin addressing a problem that is as much medical as anything else. Support her as she talks through her options.
If no, you'll have to wait until she is ready.
It's that simple. It's not like there's a magic word you have to say or it won't work. You don't get to fix this, and you don't get to force her to do anything at this stage. She won't get better if she's not ready, whether you hold a literal or metaphorical gun to her head or not. You don't get to decide.
She may want to drink herself to death. She may be self-medicating something. In that case, addressing the drinking is actually secondary to treating the underlying physical/mental health issues. Focusing on the drinking and ignoring those issues will fix nothing.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:20 AM on August 16, 2016 [4 favorites]