Self care for hard trip to see parents

August 11, 2016 8:17 PM

I'm flying to my parents house tomorrow to say goodbye to my dad who is in the end stage of dying from complications of dementia--stopped eating/drinking/talking. I'm a nurse so the question is not so much about how to deal with the details of my dad, it's more about how to help myself not fall apart.

Backstory, my husband left me almost a year ago so my heart is broken on two axes. I will be there (Santa Fe) for a week and there will be down time and I'm trying to think of things that are other than white wine to help me survive and be kind and gentle to myself. I am bringing a Terry Pratchet novel, a Pema Chodron book and my iPad which has Steven Universe, a few movies, The Room games, a yoga app and more Pema Chodron loaded on it. I'm scared, and so so sad, and looking for ideas of small simple things to do while I'm there to not fall the ever loving fuck apart. I will be sitting with him for long periods of time while he lies there, I will be able to leave occasionally for short periods of time, and there will be a bit of time to myself in the evenings. I guess specifically, things to read/watch? Things that have helped others through their worst times? I wish I could bring my cat with me but mom vetoed. Help? Any ideas?

posted by eggkeeper to Human Relations (14 answers total)

I am so sorry you are going through this harrowing time.

I wish I could bring my cat with me but mom vetoed.
You'll have wifi access? If so, Maru has your back. His uniquely soothing YouTube channel is mugumogu.
posted by feral_goldfish at 8:44 PM on August 11, 2016 [5 favorites]

This might be helpful. Also, do you have any hobbies such as knitting or cross stitch? That kind of focused activity can be soothing, both when sitting at a bedside and while watching TV in the evening.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
posted by bunderful at 8:52 PM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm so sorry you are facing this.

Don't forget about food. Both comfort food and healthy, makes you feel good, food. Bring snacks? Treat yourself to killer Sante Fe food to go? Cook if that is something you enjoy? Plan on feeding yourself being a vital part of your day for both physical and mental health.
posted by Grandysaur at 9:03 PM on August 11, 2016

Bring more books. Put ebooks on your iPad. Make a closed facebook group and invite your most helpful friends to post entertaining and distracting things there (like cat videos).

Mostly what I did while my mom was dying was read some of my favorite books over again and otherwise distract myself with TV (at the time, Xena: Warrior Princess). I'm so sorry you're going through this.
posted by rtha at 9:08 PM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]

You trust that you have the resources, because you do. They come pre-installed.

My experience is that this exact situation will control everything and you will find not a lot of time to dwell on things because you will be living them.

I also know this tough time will pass and there is something new coming up for you wirh many possibilities.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:16 PM on August 11, 2016 [4 favorites]

It's ok to feel what you're feeling. It's also ok to distract yourself from your feelings (which is what you're describing as your coping tools), but it's ok to fall apart, too.
posted by lazuli at 10:15 PM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]

That is to say, allowing yourself to feel your feelings, rather than repressing or ignoring them, is a very valid piece of self-care.
posted by lazuli at 10:17 PM on August 11, 2016 [6 favorites]

Going for a walk is always good.
posted by Puddle Jumper at 11:07 PM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]

Perhaps this is not your flavor, but maybe some gentle humor from a fave comedian (YTube, etc) could help set a better mood for awhile. Or even take the car out and sing w your music. This lightness may help strengthen your spirit.
posted by artdrectr at 12:49 AM on August 12, 2016

If you have some time alone in the evenings, as you say you will, perhaps you should "fall apart" for a few hours, then gather yourself up again, and go out and face the situation once more.
posted by seasparrow at 6:43 AM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]

I like Indigo Daya's handout on coping skills (pdf), because it offers suggestions in different categories (distraction, grounding, emotional release, thought challenge, etc), which can be helpful if one style of coping isn't helping in the moment.
posted by lazuli at 7:18 AM on August 12, 2016

Go to museums, listen to beautiful music, spend time outdoors at sunrise or sunset. The moon will be full Th the 18th. Beauty always comforts me, I hope it helps for you.
posted by theora55 at 9:04 AM on August 12, 2016

Did this myself with hospice, divorce included.
Take advantage of the Bob Ross on YT. Totally serious.
posted by oflinkey at 10:03 AM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thank you all for your kind words and great ideas.
posted by eggkeeper at 9:11 PM on August 12, 2016