How do I make the leap to giving up alcohol?
July 28, 2016 9:21 PM Subscribe
I've been drinking too much for the past decade and I know in my mind that I should probably give it up.
I can hold the thought of all of the rational reasons why I should stop, but I need to get over that hump where I finally announce that I need to go sober. How do I finally get there?
Maybe some of it is embarrassment, as I often drink a 1L bottle of wine in an evening by myself. No one else knows how much I drink.
Maybe some part of me internalized the thought that I'd "hit rock bottom" eventually, but instead I just found that I was a rather "functional alcoholic" and have been in the long habit of ending my evening nicely drunk.
The thought of giving up that late night "me time" ritual terrifies me a bit. And I worried my slightly manic and OCD late night tendencies might return, and the insomnia that goes with them.
I have no interest in alcohol just as a drink. I only drink to get intoxicated. I'm never tempted by drinks at lunch with coworkers, or even at dinner. If I can't drink to get drunk, I just say no. When I am intoxicated, I know that it is just time to relax and say goodnight, to put the projects away.
Now that I am approaching my 40s, I notice my blood pressure, cholesterol and weight are creeping up, and of course the wine is a major part of this.
I do not have a lot of self-respect for myself, and in fact have dealt with a lifetime of physical dissociation, but I do have a partner and a child, and I want to be around for them as long as I can. There is a voice in my head that says "I don't want to go out like Rob Ford."
Maybe some of it is embarrassment, as I often drink a 1L bottle of wine in an evening by myself. No one else knows how much I drink.
Maybe some part of me internalized the thought that I'd "hit rock bottom" eventually, but instead I just found that I was a rather "functional alcoholic" and have been in the long habit of ending my evening nicely drunk.
The thought of giving up that late night "me time" ritual terrifies me a bit. And I worried my slightly manic and OCD late night tendencies might return, and the insomnia that goes with them.
I have no interest in alcohol just as a drink. I only drink to get intoxicated. I'm never tempted by drinks at lunch with coworkers, or even at dinner. If I can't drink to get drunk, I just say no. When I am intoxicated, I know that it is just time to relax and say goodnight, to put the projects away.
Now that I am approaching my 40s, I notice my blood pressure, cholesterol and weight are creeping up, and of course the wine is a major part of this.
I do not have a lot of self-respect for myself, and in fact have dealt with a lifetime of physical dissociation, but I do have a partner and a child, and I want to be around for them as long as I can. There is a voice in my head that says "I don't want to go out like Rob Ford."
I'm basically the same. I know the reason why for myself: deep underlying anxiety problems. I know what the solution likely is for myself (I'm just too weak-willed to go through with it), and that's psychiatric treatment and an alternative medical therapy to replace my self-medication with bourbon. If you have late-night ocd and manic behavior, and you find that wine helps keep the demons away a bit, maybe try and seek out treatment for that, and then wean yourself off the bottle?
posted by dis_integration at 9:36 PM on July 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by dis_integration at 9:36 PM on July 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
I drank myself to sleep for a while -- I'm with you on the anxiety -- but then it stopped working and just led to gastrointestinal distress. I switched to herbal teas and am still trying to figure out the anxiety, but maybe it helps to know that the drinks-to-dreams strategy may not work forever.
posted by batter_my_heart at 10:42 PM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by batter_my_heart at 10:42 PM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
What I've done, and I still haven't solved the problem, is to head to the ER and just be honest. I've received shocked remarks about how honest I've been about how often I've been through this. My advice is don't lie. They are there to help you. Apparently, many people with an alcohol problem lie to the triage nurses. That blew my mind because I was there to plead for help. My drink of choice is beer. Simple beer, but lots of it every night.
Quitting drinking has been a piece of cake for me. 0.5mg of Ativan three times a day for about ten days, and I'm done with it. (Consult a doctor first, of course) No evil nightmares like when you try to taper down on your own (never worked for me).
STAYING away from drinking is the problem for me. I'm always back at it within a few months when I want to "celebrate" my sobriety. I agree it makes no sense, but it's the thought process that takes over my brain.
I've never been to an AA meeting, but, from what I have heard, I don't think it would work for me.
I admit I'm very troubled and worried by quite a lot of things in my life right now, so I think that has something to do with my relapses.
I wish you the best, and I hope you can overcome this. I think it's important to let you know that you're not alone.
posted by LoveAndBottleRockets at 10:43 PM on July 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
Quitting drinking has been a piece of cake for me. 0.5mg of Ativan three times a day for about ten days, and I'm done with it. (Consult a doctor first, of course) No evil nightmares like when you try to taper down on your own (never worked for me).
STAYING away from drinking is the problem for me. I'm always back at it within a few months when I want to "celebrate" my sobriety. I agree it makes no sense, but it's the thought process that takes over my brain.
I've never been to an AA meeting, but, from what I have heard, I don't think it would work for me.
I admit I'm very troubled and worried by quite a lot of things in my life right now, so I think that has something to do with my relapses.
I wish you the best, and I hope you can overcome this. I think it's important to let you know that you're not alone.
posted by LoveAndBottleRockets at 10:43 PM on July 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
When you feel as if you are ready to let go of it for good, just let go of it for good. Don't announce it, unless you're a person that announces your intentions for any occasion. I've found that if I share that I am going on a diet or quitting something, I put myself under incredible pressure to do that and not fail in front of my hearer and that way I undermine my own efforts. I have been more successful doing it in stealth mode with just myself to witness my failure and subsequent attempts.
posted by Lynsey at 10:46 PM on July 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by Lynsey at 10:46 PM on July 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
A couple of other tips from the medical perspective:
- It's extremely important to be honest with your doctors about the alcohol use, because they will want to help you with the mental health issues and some of the most common medications that would be used for these are dangerous when combined with alcohol. It will also help your doctor to be aware of potential risk factors for other medical problems.
- Yes, you can go to the ER to try to get help, but I would recommend choosing which ER you go to carefully. If you go to some random small ER they may just hand you a paper list you could have Googled of detox resources. At my current urban department we have substance abuse counselors during certain hours that really do an amazing job at trying to connect people who come in with addiction problems to the right resources. It's a much higher level of support - mainly because there's such a huge need in the population we serve. So try to find a place that offers that sort of high level support for addiction treatment and make sure you go during the hours it is available.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:05 AM on July 29, 2016 [10 favorites]
- It's extremely important to be honest with your doctors about the alcohol use, because they will want to help you with the mental health issues and some of the most common medications that would be used for these are dangerous when combined with alcohol. It will also help your doctor to be aware of potential risk factors for other medical problems.
- Yes, you can go to the ER to try to get help, but I would recommend choosing which ER you go to carefully. If you go to some random small ER they may just hand you a paper list you could have Googled of detox resources. At my current urban department we have substance abuse counselors during certain hours that really do an amazing job at trying to connect people who come in with addiction problems to the right resources. It's a much higher level of support - mainly because there's such a huge need in the population we serve. So try to find a place that offers that sort of high level support for addiction treatment and make sure you go during the hours it is available.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:05 AM on July 29, 2016 [10 favorites]
You're self-medicating with wine right now. There are different, safer, more effective medications that you can access (pharmaceutical and therapy) which will help you with the anxiety, self-loathing and OCD/manic stuff you're currently drinking to cope with. Once you are sober, it won't be that you'll just have to just live with your mental health problems. You *can* be healthy and happy sober; drinking isn't the only way to feel better in your head.
posted by mymbleth at 12:46 AM on July 29, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by mymbleth at 12:46 AM on July 29, 2016 [5 favorites]
I need to get over that hump where I finally announce that I need to go sober.
You know you don't have to make any big announcements, right? It's probably even better not to.
posted by thelonius at 12:47 AM on July 29, 2016 [13 favorites]
You know you don't have to make any big announcements, right? It's probably even better not to.
posted by thelonius at 12:47 AM on July 29, 2016 [13 favorites]
There are some people, like me, for whom "abstinence" is a non-viable goal.
Modern medical science has no use for "alcoholism." It is not a medical term.
You have identified a behavior in your life you want to change. There are professional counselors who can help you with that change.
I advise you to look through a phone book, look at the addiction counseling services, and phone each one.
Ask them if they:
- A) offer a free initial consultation
and
- B) embrace strategies that are not based on 12-step programs.
If they can't say "yes" to both, keep calling.
I've found a couple of places that do answer "yes" to both of my questions. I haven't yet followed up with going there.
Good luck. You are not alone.
posted by yesster at 1:11 AM on July 29, 2016 [2 favorites]
Modern medical science has no use for "alcoholism." It is not a medical term.
You have identified a behavior in your life you want to change. There are professional counselors who can help you with that change.
I advise you to look through a phone book, look at the addiction counseling services, and phone each one.
Ask them if they:
- A) offer a free initial consultation
and
- B) embrace strategies that are not based on 12-step programs.
If they can't say "yes" to both, keep calling.
I've found a couple of places that do answer "yes" to both of my questions. I haven't yet followed up with going there.
Good luck. You are not alone.
posted by yesster at 1:11 AM on July 29, 2016 [2 favorites]
I found SMART really useful *before* I was ready to give up my self-destructive behaviors. It helped me get to the point where I was ready, and unlike AA they're very understanding/accepting of people who are currently using. There are online meetings if there is no chapter near you that works with your schedule.
posted by Juliet Banana at 1:55 AM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Juliet Banana at 1:55 AM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
You know what a personal breakthrough for me was? I came to realize that I didn't have to understand everything -the nature of abuse vs. addiction, if I had a primary substance problem or if I was primarily depressed, if I was an alcoholic - before I could take action. I started to think of myself primarily as a person who really, really needed to stop drinking. If you can do that, you'll have plenty of time on your hands to figure everything out.
posted by thelonius at 4:18 AM on July 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by thelonius at 4:18 AM on July 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
Also came here to say check out the great /stopdrinking subreddit.
Also, the SMART Recovery program is built around some solid cognitive behavioral therapy concepts, and you might want to check it out.
The weird thing about quitting drinking is that first you feel like you're the only person who feels this way and no one can ever relate, and then you realize your feelings are experiences are freakishly common and you're not alone. I hope you find what you're looking for!
posted by kinsey at 4:33 AM on July 29, 2016 [5 favorites]
Also, the SMART Recovery program is built around some solid cognitive behavioral therapy concepts, and you might want to check it out.
The weird thing about quitting drinking is that first you feel like you're the only person who feels this way and no one can ever relate, and then you realize your feelings are experiences are freakishly common and you're not alone. I hope you find what you're looking for!
posted by kinsey at 4:33 AM on July 29, 2016 [5 favorites]
One, you're awesome for seeing this and deciding to make this change. You aren't alone, this is something so many people struggle with. You can do this.
I went through a period where I felt I was drinking too much and decided to stop. The single biggest thing I suggest is make sure you have a REPLACEMENT behaviour decided upon. Have some other relax end-of-day activity planned. Things that feel good and relax you and reduce your stress. Herbal tea can be good. Investing in some really nice bath stuff and having a relaxing bath can be awesome. Guided meditation that you do in the evenings could be effective. (I have found them to be effective.) In the winter, tossing your jammies in the dryer for a few minutes so that you have pre-warmed jammies to put on can be outstandingly relaxing and soothing. Just find SOMETHING to do to relax and destress at the end of the day. You're going to have a hole in your life once you take away the alcohol that you need to fill.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:15 AM on July 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
I went through a period where I felt I was drinking too much and decided to stop. The single biggest thing I suggest is make sure you have a REPLACEMENT behaviour decided upon. Have some other relax end-of-day activity planned. Things that feel good and relax you and reduce your stress. Herbal tea can be good. Investing in some really nice bath stuff and having a relaxing bath can be awesome. Guided meditation that you do in the evenings could be effective. (I have found them to be effective.) In the winter, tossing your jammies in the dryer for a few minutes so that you have pre-warmed jammies to put on can be outstandingly relaxing and soothing. Just find SOMETHING to do to relax and destress at the end of the day. You're going to have a hole in your life once you take away the alcohol that you need to fill.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:15 AM on July 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
I used to have something similar - not a physical addiction, but I couldn't stand the silence before bed, so I HAD to have something to watch or listen to, that I could fall asleep to. I was afraid of what I would think if I just sat there alone. This went on for about ten years. Once I got my anxiety treated and confronted it, all those bad feelings pretty much vanished and now I can live with my own thoughts without having to tune them out. It's about accepting yourself, and your anxiety, and realising a lot of people feel the same, and that's ok. Alcoholism is often a symptom of another problem, such as anxiety (as you say when you mention ocd; self-respect etc). The drinking is a coping mechanism, so if you deal with the issue that is making you want to drink, you will find you need the coping mechanism less - sorry if this sounds simplistic.
So just a thought for you and as others have said - why not seek out some CBT sessions with a counsellor, to make it easy on yourself as you do this? Don't make it hard, like a punishment - this is a good thing you're doing, and try to make sure you have as much support as you can in terms of people, tools, techniques, even mantras etc. Think of why you're doing it and put a support plan in place. I'd highly recommend some sessions with a psychologist or counsellor as you do this, to talk through the things that are on your mind. And the best of luck - very brave, good on you.
posted by cornflakegirl at 5:53 AM on July 29, 2016
So just a thought for you and as others have said - why not seek out some CBT sessions with a counsellor, to make it easy on yourself as you do this? Don't make it hard, like a punishment - this is a good thing you're doing, and try to make sure you have as much support as you can in terms of people, tools, techniques, even mantras etc. Think of why you're doing it and put a support plan in place. I'd highly recommend some sessions with a psychologist or counsellor as you do this, to talk through the things that are on your mind. And the best of luck - very brave, good on you.
posted by cornflakegirl at 5:53 AM on July 29, 2016
You're saying a lot of things that don't line up, and I don't know if you realize that. You want to announce that it's time to get sober, but no one knows how much you drink. And you drink 1L of wine per night. And it's your "me time" ritual. And you have a partner and a child? I guarantee you, if you live with your partner and child one or both of them aware of of how much you're drinking.
As someone who used to kill a bottle of wine in 30-60 minutes I know that it can be done, but it's pretty conspicuous and the aftermath is VERY conspicuous. So are you drinking 1L in several hours over the course of a night in front of them? Then they're watching you drink. Are you spending 2-3 hours alone in a basement tv room/office or something? Or the whole night? They know that you're not with them, and even if they don't realize you're drunk when you reappear they notice the absence. What are you doing with the bottles? Sticking them in with the rest of the recycling? In the neighbor's recycling? Hiding them in the middle of the garbage bag and taking out the trash? Pulling them out from a hiding place and running out 10 minutes before the recycling truck comes? Putting the empty bottle(s) in a large back and throwing them out on your way to work?
Your "me time" ritual sounds incredibly time-consuming. If no one knows how much you're drinking then you must be lacking some serious closeness in your relationship with your child and partner. OR, the more likely alternative is that you are either unaware of or unwilling to admit the extent to which they know about your problem. If you want to be around for them then you need to make sure they're still around for you.
Please, have a frank conversation with your partner. Don't announce you're getting sober. Announce that you have a problem, and go from there.
(Brief addendum: I've been to more than a dozen unique AA meetings over the years and no one has given a rip if you're still using. Shit, the first two months I went to meetings the only way I could get up the courage to go was to get drunk first. AA's not for everyone but trying it out is an hour of your life, and it sounds like you've got plenty of hours to yourself to give it a whirl.)
posted by good lorneing at 5:55 AM on July 29, 2016 [5 favorites]
As someone who used to kill a bottle of wine in 30-60 minutes I know that it can be done, but it's pretty conspicuous and the aftermath is VERY conspicuous. So are you drinking 1L in several hours over the course of a night in front of them? Then they're watching you drink. Are you spending 2-3 hours alone in a basement tv room/office or something? Or the whole night? They know that you're not with them, and even if they don't realize you're drunk when you reappear they notice the absence. What are you doing with the bottles? Sticking them in with the rest of the recycling? In the neighbor's recycling? Hiding them in the middle of the garbage bag and taking out the trash? Pulling them out from a hiding place and running out 10 minutes before the recycling truck comes? Putting the empty bottle(s) in a large back and throwing them out on your way to work?
Your "me time" ritual sounds incredibly time-consuming. If no one knows how much you're drinking then you must be lacking some serious closeness in your relationship with your child and partner. OR, the more likely alternative is that you are either unaware of or unwilling to admit the extent to which they know about your problem. If you want to be around for them then you need to make sure they're still around for you.
Please, have a frank conversation with your partner. Don't announce you're getting sober. Announce that you have a problem, and go from there.
(Brief addendum: I've been to more than a dozen unique AA meetings over the years and no one has given a rip if you're still using. Shit, the first two months I went to meetings the only way I could get up the courage to go was to get drunk first. AA's not for everyone but trying it out is an hour of your life, and it sounds like you've got plenty of hours to yourself to give it a whirl.)
posted by good lorneing at 5:55 AM on July 29, 2016 [5 favorites]
Giving up alcohol IS terrifying for those of us who use it to get drunk/escape feelings/fill the hole etc. But I can tell you once you get to the point where it is a thought to drink rather than an obsession, life is better than I ever imagined.
Recovering alcoholic here- 6 years+ without a drink. Terrified and sick of tired being sick and tired I sought out others who had given up alcohol (and were happy) for help. I could not not drink on my own. I had to have a support system that helped me get to the point where living without alcohol was better than with. Now I think of taking a drink on occasion but hope I will never give up the good feelings about me and my life for that momentary relief from my feelings. I am not obsessed and I have enough defense not to take that first drink.
Yes for me one is too many and 1,000 are not enough. Once I start I am unable to control wither it is one or 20 drinks I take. And at the end it was never one. And life without it was unthinkable 6 years ago. Just not possible.
I encourage you to find whatever support works for you. You cannot do this alone or you would have done it already.
And finally, the life I have now without alcohol is 100 times better than anything I could have imagined if I had been given a magic wand to create the life I wanted. EVERYTHING is sweeter, brighter and happier especially my spirit. I love who I am and how I behave in this crazy world. Peace, joy and happiness is mine nearly every day.
I do not live in a utopia but when life gets difficult I am equipped to do what needs to be done to resolve and I move on. My troubles are dealt with on a level that I was incapable before- I know how to take care of things so the bad things that happen get resolved and I move on back to my happy place.
It is "just alcohol"- would you have a problem giving up brussel spouts? If not then maybe it is more than just alcohol. Maybe it is a complex problem that needs others who have been successful to help guide you to a life of happiness and joy.
For those who care AA is my support system and it does resonate with me but I encourage you to get the support you must have for this issue anywhere that works.
posted by shaarog at 6:00 AM on July 29, 2016 [7 favorites]
Recovering alcoholic here- 6 years+ without a drink. Terrified and sick of tired being sick and tired I sought out others who had given up alcohol (and were happy) for help. I could not not drink on my own. I had to have a support system that helped me get to the point where living without alcohol was better than with. Now I think of taking a drink on occasion but hope I will never give up the good feelings about me and my life for that momentary relief from my feelings. I am not obsessed and I have enough defense not to take that first drink.
Yes for me one is too many and 1,000 are not enough. Once I start I am unable to control wither it is one or 20 drinks I take. And at the end it was never one. And life without it was unthinkable 6 years ago. Just not possible.
I encourage you to find whatever support works for you. You cannot do this alone or you would have done it already.
And finally, the life I have now without alcohol is 100 times better than anything I could have imagined if I had been given a magic wand to create the life I wanted. EVERYTHING is sweeter, brighter and happier especially my spirit. I love who I am and how I behave in this crazy world. Peace, joy and happiness is mine nearly every day.
I do not live in a utopia but when life gets difficult I am equipped to do what needs to be done to resolve and I move on. My troubles are dealt with on a level that I was incapable before- I know how to take care of things so the bad things that happen get resolved and I move on back to my happy place.
It is "just alcohol"- would you have a problem giving up brussel spouts? If not then maybe it is more than just alcohol. Maybe it is a complex problem that needs others who have been successful to help guide you to a life of happiness and joy.
For those who care AA is my support system and it does resonate with me but I encourage you to get the support you must have for this issue anywhere that works.
posted by shaarog at 6:00 AM on July 29, 2016 [7 favorites]
I drank a lot. Did not intefere with my job but was a downer for my marriage. Wife said: stop drinking or we end the marriage. I stopped. Needed lots of sugary candy, always on hand, to keep the need for booze down..In short time no longer needed the sweets. Then, having stopped, I never looked back. I go to restaurants with wife and friends and they drink but i do not. I buy wine, hard stuff for my wife and bring it home and do not use or need it...Now all these years later I laugh at myself and earlier needs. I saved my marriage and that made it all worth doing. Ps: feel much better each morning and day for it too. I did not go to meetings or anything. Just stopped drinking. Period. Not sure what I was able to do is what others can do. I am but one instance. Find what works for you.
posted by Postroad at 6:27 AM on July 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Postroad at 6:27 AM on July 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
Memail me (or get the mods to post an email) if you want me to send you some resources on Facebook.
posted by BibiRose at 6:49 AM on July 29, 2016
posted by BibiRose at 6:49 AM on July 29, 2016
I was you, except it was vodka instead of wine. I managed to keep my drinking a secret from my wife because vodka doesn't smell as strong as wine and because I'm a good liar.
Shame kept me from admitting what I was doing. I finally acknowledged that my self-medicating wasn't relieving my untreated depression, but was making it worse. I am now on meds and really really happy that I don't drink anymore.
You're going to have to tell your partner. Secrets like that are toxic to a relationship. Then see a good therapist to get treatment for the cause of your drinking.
MeMail me if you wish. You can do this.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 6:53 AM on July 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
Shame kept me from admitting what I was doing. I finally acknowledged that my self-medicating wasn't relieving my untreated depression, but was making it worse. I am now on meds and really really happy that I don't drink anymore.
You're going to have to tell your partner. Secrets like that are toxic to a relationship. Then see a good therapist to get treatment for the cause of your drinking.
MeMail me if you wish. You can do this.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 6:53 AM on July 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
I don't think you can do this by yourself. I stopped my "casual" drinking about six months ago for health reasons and man, it was hard to do. I was only drinking a couple of glasses of wine every night, but it was EVERY night. It took a long, long time to kick that habit. But the next time I had my checkup, all my levels were better than they had been in years.
So my advice is to get some help, I'm not sure you can do it alone. You need some support.
posted by raisingsand at 7:28 AM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
So my advice is to get some help, I'm not sure you can do it alone. You need some support.
posted by raisingsand at 7:28 AM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
for me "making the leap" involved a few things:
- an emotionally and somewhat physically violent 'rock-bottom' event to shake/push me into finally drawing the line (try not to wait for this to happen.. it's painful)
- a complete and total commitment to not put alcohol into my mouth.. come-hell-or-high-water- no-matter-what I-will-deal-with-the-fallout/consequences of-not-drinking-as-needs-be. Done- the decision is already made, I don't doubt it. I'm done. I'm done I'm done. This is MY journey, MY decision. Other people can drink, but I won't, I don't .... which was scary because it opened up a lot of unknowns... but nearly all of those unknowns have turned out to be extremely positive/ healthy/ life-affirming.
- changing my relationship with alcohol. [Thoughts] I wrote down all of my personal reasons/ insights/ turbulence/ embarrassments, and I had a lot of them, and read them every day for a couple of months. Still do once in awhile when creepers start to whisper that I might somehow, sometime drink again. I also collect, read, re-read, listen to articles/ podcasts/ forums on the subject. The dark side of alcohol is Dark and well-documented.. I dove in. [Emotions] changing the emotional aspect is more of a trick, because the body/brain knows that alcohol is great and works (in the short term). I have found that the positive emotions generated through a healthy lifestyle (I'm talking physical lifestyle here: exercising/ being hydrated/ eating well.. essentially changing my body chemistry...) create a loop that helps tremendously in drowning the lizard brain's yearning to "feel good."
[Thoughts & Emotions] - becoming more aware of my own thoughts, feelings, urges and not attaching to them. Just observing them as they come and go.. like clouds... like weather... not with judgement, but with curiosity. "Hmm, this scenario triggered something.. how about that? something is going on here... what can I do differently next time... what am I really seeking here.. etc." I worked up space between stimulus and response (not only for myself, but for circumstances/ other people) through meditation, mindfulness, and A LOT of silence. Again, this has created a loop where, the more Present I am, the more it perpetuates, making for a strikingly more stable state of being.
A word of encouragement: for me, Life is actually now easier without alcohol. I enjoy it. My emotions are more stable. I am less anxious. I have more patience. I have more energy to focus on creativity, rather than sneaking/lying/ conniving. I am more creative. I am less selfish, I am there for people I care about. I have more self respect. Getting alcohol out of my life has opened doors that I didn't even know existed. For these reasons, I strongly encourage you to do this.
posted by mrmarley at 7:40 AM on July 29, 2016 [6 favorites]
- an emotionally and somewhat physically violent 'rock-bottom' event to shake/push me into finally drawing the line (try not to wait for this to happen.. it's painful)
- a complete and total commitment to not put alcohol into my mouth.. come-hell-or-high-water- no-matter-what I-will-deal-with-the-fallout/consequences of-not-drinking-as-needs-be. Done- the decision is already made, I don't doubt it. I'm done. I'm done I'm done. This is MY journey, MY decision. Other people can drink, but I won't, I don't .... which was scary because it opened up a lot of unknowns... but nearly all of those unknowns have turned out to be extremely positive/ healthy/ life-affirming.
- changing my relationship with alcohol. [Thoughts] I wrote down all of my personal reasons/ insights/ turbulence/ embarrassments, and I had a lot of them, and read them every day for a couple of months. Still do once in awhile when creepers start to whisper that I might somehow, sometime drink again. I also collect, read, re-read, listen to articles/ podcasts/ forums on the subject. The dark side of alcohol is Dark and well-documented.. I dove in. [Emotions] changing the emotional aspect is more of a trick, because the body/brain knows that alcohol is great and works (in the short term). I have found that the positive emotions generated through a healthy lifestyle (I'm talking physical lifestyle here: exercising/ being hydrated/ eating well.. essentially changing my body chemistry...) create a loop that helps tremendously in drowning the lizard brain's yearning to "feel good."
[Thoughts & Emotions] - becoming more aware of my own thoughts, feelings, urges and not attaching to them. Just observing them as they come and go.. like clouds... like weather... not with judgement, but with curiosity. "Hmm, this scenario triggered something.. how about that? something is going on here... what can I do differently next time... what am I really seeking here.. etc." I worked up space between stimulus and response (not only for myself, but for circumstances/ other people) through meditation, mindfulness, and A LOT of silence. Again, this has created a loop where, the more Present I am, the more it perpetuates, making for a strikingly more stable state of being.
A word of encouragement: for me, Life is actually now easier without alcohol. I enjoy it. My emotions are more stable. I am less anxious. I have more patience. I have more energy to focus on creativity, rather than sneaking/lying/ conniving. I am more creative. I am less selfish, I am there for people I care about. I have more self respect. Getting alcohol out of my life has opened doors that I didn't even know existed. For these reasons, I strongly encourage you to do this.
posted by mrmarley at 7:40 AM on July 29, 2016 [6 favorites]
Go to AA.
I sobbed right through my first two meetings. I went to a different meeting each time so that I wouldn't be recognized.
Hearing people's stories of staying sober filled me with such hope. People of all different patterns with alcohol and reasons for drinking, but they were able to stay clean. Really remarkable people.
AA's thing is that you admit you are powerless against your addiction and submit to a higher power. For me that higher power is my husband. Here's why:
I woke up one night floating in the middle of a lake, in the middle of nowhere, in my bridesmaids dress and heels. Had no idea where I was and spent the rest of the night wandering through the woods until I found a road to hitchhike back to my house. The next day my husband said he was sadder and more afraid than he'd ever been in his life, and this is a guy who's seen some shit. I went to AA that afternoon. Have had one relapse but now I'm back on the wagon.
Go, go, go to AA. I think you will feel a tremendous sense of relief as you listen to people share their stories.
Do not let the fact that you are a functional alcoholic who didn't "hit rock bottom" keep you away from AA. There are tons of AA members with similar drinking patterns to yours. And I'd had many similar experiences to the one I just shared and kept right on drinking because I didn't care about myself enough to stop. Rock bottom is a dangerous myth. You
posted by pintapicasso at 7:45 AM on July 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
I sobbed right through my first two meetings. I went to a different meeting each time so that I wouldn't be recognized.
Hearing people's stories of staying sober filled me with such hope. People of all different patterns with alcohol and reasons for drinking, but they were able to stay clean. Really remarkable people.
AA's thing is that you admit you are powerless against your addiction and submit to a higher power. For me that higher power is my husband. Here's why:
I woke up one night floating in the middle of a lake, in the middle of nowhere, in my bridesmaids dress and heels. Had no idea where I was and spent the rest of the night wandering through the woods until I found a road to hitchhike back to my house. The next day my husband said he was sadder and more afraid than he'd ever been in his life, and this is a guy who's seen some shit. I went to AA that afternoon. Have had one relapse but now I'm back on the wagon.
Go, go, go to AA. I think you will feel a tremendous sense of relief as you listen to people share their stories.
Do not let the fact that you are a functional alcoholic who didn't "hit rock bottom" keep you away from AA. There are tons of AA members with similar drinking patterns to yours. And I'd had many similar experiences to the one I just shared and kept right on drinking because I didn't care about myself enough to stop. Rock bottom is a dangerous myth. You
posted by pintapicasso at 7:45 AM on July 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
Everyone is different, but you sound a lot like me, so I'll tell you what worked for me (so far), in no particular order.
1) See a doctor. I didn't detox under medical supervision, but I did have a pre-existing prescription for xanax. If you have anxiety and sleep issues and those are keeping you from quitting, getting professional help with those issues will help you stop self-medicating. Medication can also help with the short-term panicky feelings about quitting and worrying about what you'll do in the evenings when you have to deal with your own brain.
2) Set a date to stop. I picked Lent because it was an externally existing thing. I kept saying I would quit on Jan 1, then Feb 1, etc. and not doing it. Picking any date might work for you, or picking a special date or time period (your child's birthday, your birthday) might be better.
3) If you're panicked about NEVER EVER DRINKING again, set a limited time period that you won't drink, with the expectation that you will extend it. Again, this is why Lent worked for me. Even though I knew I was not going to start drinking again after Lent, I was able to trick myself a little bit and assuage my panic by having the (fake) escape hatch of a limited period. If you're like me, once you get a month under your belt, it gets easier (mostly).
4) Tell someone. Some people have said not to tell anyone, but I needed the external accountability. I didn't say the words "I'm an alcoholic" and I didn't tell anyone how much I was drinking. I just told people, "I'm going to stop drinking for awhile." If anyone asked why, I was kind of vague about drinking not being good for me or feeling like I was drinking too much. People could read between the lines or not.
5) Track your days. Especially if you have OCD tendencies, this might be really helpful. Watching the days add up, and not wanting to break the streak, have been really helpful for me. I use a Don't Break the Chain app.
6) Track the money you're saving. The money you're spending on wine is probably money you could use elsewhere. If you're drinking a cheap $15 liter of wine daily, at the end of the month you'll have $450. In a year that's $5400. Use that to pay for something you wouldn't do or have if you were drinking--an evening class, a personal trainer, a vacation. I actually have a spreadsheet and I enter the amount I was spending daily and watch it add up.
7) Be prepared for it to suck sometimes and accept that. I had some pretty bad sleep problems, and a brief period of crushing depression. I knew they would pass, and if they didn't, I have a good doctor that I trust.
8) Don't get complacent. I quit drinking for over a year several years ago, and then felt confident that I could return to healthy drinking. It worked for awhile, but I very gradually crept back up to nightly wine. It happened so gradually I was able to convince myself it wasn't happening until I was right back where I started. I am now at 168 days without a drink, and I am very conscious that I cannot do healthy drinking.
So, I guess, whether I have truly successfully stopped drinking is an open question since I failed once before and am not even at 6 months yet. But I feel good about it. For me, just taking that first step and the first weeks were hardest, so these tips are how I did that.
posted by thisismysock at 8:18 AM on July 29, 2016 [6 favorites]
1) See a doctor. I didn't detox under medical supervision, but I did have a pre-existing prescription for xanax. If you have anxiety and sleep issues and those are keeping you from quitting, getting professional help with those issues will help you stop self-medicating. Medication can also help with the short-term panicky feelings about quitting and worrying about what you'll do in the evenings when you have to deal with your own brain.
2) Set a date to stop. I picked Lent because it was an externally existing thing. I kept saying I would quit on Jan 1, then Feb 1, etc. and not doing it. Picking any date might work for you, or picking a special date or time period (your child's birthday, your birthday) might be better.
3) If you're panicked about NEVER EVER DRINKING again, set a limited time period that you won't drink, with the expectation that you will extend it. Again, this is why Lent worked for me. Even though I knew I was not going to start drinking again after Lent, I was able to trick myself a little bit and assuage my panic by having the (fake) escape hatch of a limited period. If you're like me, once you get a month under your belt, it gets easier (mostly).
4) Tell someone. Some people have said not to tell anyone, but I needed the external accountability. I didn't say the words "I'm an alcoholic" and I didn't tell anyone how much I was drinking. I just told people, "I'm going to stop drinking for awhile." If anyone asked why, I was kind of vague about drinking not being good for me or feeling like I was drinking too much. People could read between the lines or not.
5) Track your days. Especially if you have OCD tendencies, this might be really helpful. Watching the days add up, and not wanting to break the streak, have been really helpful for me. I use a Don't Break the Chain app.
6) Track the money you're saving. The money you're spending on wine is probably money you could use elsewhere. If you're drinking a cheap $15 liter of wine daily, at the end of the month you'll have $450. In a year that's $5400. Use that to pay for something you wouldn't do or have if you were drinking--an evening class, a personal trainer, a vacation. I actually have a spreadsheet and I enter the amount I was spending daily and watch it add up.
7) Be prepared for it to suck sometimes and accept that. I had some pretty bad sleep problems, and a brief period of crushing depression. I knew they would pass, and if they didn't, I have a good doctor that I trust.
8) Don't get complacent. I quit drinking for over a year several years ago, and then felt confident that I could return to healthy drinking. It worked for awhile, but I very gradually crept back up to nightly wine. It happened so gradually I was able to convince myself it wasn't happening until I was right back where I started. I am now at 168 days without a drink, and I am very conscious that I cannot do healthy drinking.
So, I guess, whether I have truly successfully stopped drinking is an open question since I failed once before and am not even at 6 months yet. But I feel good about it. For me, just taking that first step and the first weeks were hardest, so these tips are how I did that.
posted by thisismysock at 8:18 AM on July 29, 2016 [6 favorites]
The thought of giving up that late night "me time" ritual terrifies me a bit. And I worried my slightly manic and OCD late night tendencies might return, and the insomnia that goes with them.
You realize that this attachment to "me time" is also another function of OCD type attachment right? I'm not sure if you are actually diagnosed with these things or if they just plague you are you are self-medicating for some reason (instead of going to a doctor) but that sort of "Aaaa I hate what I am doing but I can't do anything else because of REASONS" is itself a manifestation of the anxiety parasite and it is something you can work on.
I grew up with you as a dad and it never got better and, towards the end of his life, it got a lot worse. He wasn't physically abusive but he was sort of neglectful and not-that-nice when drinking and you just knew that if anything happened that required a parent after about 7 pm (when I was with him, my parent split when I was 11) well I just didn't have one. That's sort of crummy.
I don't know what his underlying issues were but I just did the "OK I have boundaries now" thing and we gradually got more and more distant because I just wouldn't deal with the sloppy mopey mess who thought he knew more than anyone else anymore. I have my own issues with drinking (if I start sometimes it's tough to stop so I rarely start but I can manage the occasional beer now and again) but I feel like I was lucky enough to be able to manage it and a lot of it is luck plus having good support. I bet your wife would like to help you stop. I bet you have a doctor who could help you stop. There is probably a community in your area who could help you stop. It's hard and scary because you have to admit that you may need to as others for help, and not go it all alone, and open up about your concerns. But there is help there, a lot of places, and people who would like to try to help you get to a happier place both with your drinking and your body image issues and whatever keeps you up at night.
posted by jessamyn at 8:19 AM on July 29, 2016 [7 favorites]
You realize that this attachment to "me time" is also another function of OCD type attachment right? I'm not sure if you are actually diagnosed with these things or if they just plague you are you are self-medicating for some reason (instead of going to a doctor) but that sort of "Aaaa I hate what I am doing but I can't do anything else because of REASONS" is itself a manifestation of the anxiety parasite and it is something you can work on.
I grew up with you as a dad and it never got better and, towards the end of his life, it got a lot worse. He wasn't physically abusive but he was sort of neglectful and not-that-nice when drinking and you just knew that if anything happened that required a parent after about 7 pm (when I was with him, my parent split when I was 11) well I just didn't have one. That's sort of crummy.
I don't know what his underlying issues were but I just did the "OK I have boundaries now" thing and we gradually got more and more distant because I just wouldn't deal with the sloppy mopey mess who thought he knew more than anyone else anymore. I have my own issues with drinking (if I start sometimes it's tough to stop so I rarely start but I can manage the occasional beer now and again) but I feel like I was lucky enough to be able to manage it and a lot of it is luck plus having good support. I bet your wife would like to help you stop. I bet you have a doctor who could help you stop. There is probably a community in your area who could help you stop. It's hard and scary because you have to admit that you may need to as others for help, and not go it all alone, and open up about your concerns. But there is help there, a lot of places, and people who would like to try to help you get to a happier place both with your drinking and your body image issues and whatever keeps you up at night.
posted by jessamyn at 8:19 AM on July 29, 2016 [7 favorites]
I'd suggest joining a group for support. Everyone I've known who has beat addiction (alcohol or otherwise) has done so through a group of people who understand the struggles specific to being addicted to X. It's a really powerful thing to hear others stories and be in a group of people who simply understand and don't judge. Friends and family are great, but a group may understand your struggle in a way that those close to you cannot.
Another idea - you mentioned rituals and it made me think of it. Adopt other healthy habits (only ones that are appealing/motivational to you) specifically at night which serve the purpose of relaxing you. Of course alcohol is addicting, easier and hard to give up - there's a reason why you drink and I'm not minimizing the addiction aspect of it - but there may be other things that you can do each night which motivate you to NOT drink and also serve the purpose of being calming. Of course it's not that simple, but adopting other habits that make you feel good might help with the "giving up" part.
And I worried my slightly manic and OCD late night tendencies might return, and the insomnia that goes with them.
Have you seen a therapist or your doctor about this to check that you don't have an underlying issue that you're self-medicating?
posted by onecircleaday at 8:39 AM on July 29, 2016
Another idea - you mentioned rituals and it made me think of it. Adopt other healthy habits (only ones that are appealing/motivational to you) specifically at night which serve the purpose of relaxing you. Of course alcohol is addicting, easier and hard to give up - there's a reason why you drink and I'm not minimizing the addiction aspect of it - but there may be other things that you can do each night which motivate you to NOT drink and also serve the purpose of being calming. Of course it's not that simple, but adopting other habits that make you feel good might help with the "giving up" part.
And I worried my slightly manic and OCD late night tendencies might return, and the insomnia that goes with them.
Have you seen a therapist or your doctor about this to check that you don't have an underlying issue that you're self-medicating?
posted by onecircleaday at 8:39 AM on July 29, 2016
Also, just a thought that occurred to me - there's a lot of language around addiction as "having to give up" something. And of course that's true. But I think it may also be valuable to spend time thinking about what you're gaining by not drinking. There are plenty of posters on AskMe who struggle with a family member with addiction - and would gain much from their loved one kicking the habit. Perhaps if you identify what you and your loved ones will gain when you kick the addiction, it may make the journey more positive and therefore a bit easier. I speak from experience; I come from a family with severe addiction problems to both alcohol and hard drugs and I was fortunate enough in life to gain my family back as an adult. Despite having lost a tremendous amount as a child, I feel very fortunate as an adult to have them back. It's never too late.
posted by onecircleaday at 8:46 AM on July 29, 2016
posted by onecircleaday at 8:46 AM on July 29, 2016
Tell someone. Some people have said not to tell anyone, but I needed the external accountability.
I guess I should add that I took (perhaps wrongly) OP as thinking, I have to announce to everyone in my life that I am giving up drinking, right at the outset. And what I'm saying is, no, don't put that kind of pressure on yourself, you can go slow on sharing this with people.
Telling significant others or close friends and family is different - it's not something you even can really keep from them.
posted by thelonius at 9:15 AM on July 29, 2016
I guess I should add that I took (perhaps wrongly) OP as thinking, I have to announce to everyone in my life that I am giving up drinking, right at the outset. And what I'm saying is, no, don't put that kind of pressure on yourself, you can go slow on sharing this with people.
Telling significant others or close friends and family is different - it's not something you even can really keep from them.
posted by thelonius at 9:15 AM on July 29, 2016
About a year ago now I was just starting to deal with what turned out to be a severe vitamin b12 deficiency. I thought I was dying (I knew, rationally, that it was 2015 and I was unlikely to have something incurable, but various systems seemed to be shutting down left and right and it took a while to get a diagnosis -- and people did die from it before they figured out how to treat it, so the 'I feel like I'm dying' was not that wide off the mark)...
Anyway, I mention this because it can really make a mess of your brain chemistry. I went from being pretty happy to dealing with thoughts of suicide.
I have a daughter. The biggest help, by far, was forcing myself to read narratives from children who had lost a parent to suicide. It was very, very difficult reading; I cried, I had to really push to get through it.
And then my brain had a first-rate tool to combat the horrible idea. Any time I had the idea that I might do well to be dead, I forced myself to think about what I had read until that was my brain's dominant thought. Not an option; you can't do that to her. I have friends and family I also do not want to hurt, but focused on what a hell it would be for a child. One's own child. It doesn't matter what I want or what my then messed-up brain wanted; all that mattered was the kid. Repeat as needed.
Since you are also a parent -- try reading stories from children of alcoholics. It probably won't be an instant, magical cure, but it will give you a good place to send your brain when your brain is trying to say "Let's get drunk again!"
Even if you are viewing yourself as functional right now, even if you are boozing only after the kid is in bed, routine heavy drinking is not compatible with stable family life and good parenting. Replace any thoughts of low self-respect with thoughts about how much you respect your child. Simplify and just do it for him or her; no other reason required.
Do see a doctor about medications to deal with losing the self-medicating aspect of this. I have had horrible sleep issues for decades, and for a while drank too often to try to mediate this. Once, somebody gently noted 'I know you're just trying to fall asleep, but it doesn't actually seem to help that much with your sleep?' A light bulb went off and I dramatically reduced my consumption once freed from the idea that I was 'helping' my sleep -- in reality, I was just going to bed a bit lit; I wasn't actually doing anything useful. Now I take sleeping pills -- not ideal, but they do actually help with sleep while not damaging anything else.
Anyway. Do seek out the voices of people who grew up with substance-dependent parents. You probably know some in real life, but a browse around the internet and library will get you loads of reading material. If I could manage to leverage that into staying alive while a vitamin-deficient brain was trying very hard to torpedo me, I've got to think it's a technique that can be applied to other problems. The critical parts were forcing myself to do the hard work of reading the narratives, and streamlining and distilling it all into just: you can not do this because you are a parent, full stop, instead of a set of multiple issues. Set aside the writings that resonated with you, that were the most painful to read, and return to them when your brain starts in with the lie that another night with another litre of plonk will be a great idea. You can even tell yourself you just have to tough it out until the kid's grown and stable and settled if that's what it takes, and then you can drink yourself stupid -- but right now, no deal.
posted by kmennie at 10:14 AM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Anyway, I mention this because it can really make a mess of your brain chemistry. I went from being pretty happy to dealing with thoughts of suicide.
I have a daughter. The biggest help, by far, was forcing myself to read narratives from children who had lost a parent to suicide. It was very, very difficult reading; I cried, I had to really push to get through it.
And then my brain had a first-rate tool to combat the horrible idea. Any time I had the idea that I might do well to be dead, I forced myself to think about what I had read until that was my brain's dominant thought. Not an option; you can't do that to her. I have friends and family I also do not want to hurt, but focused on what a hell it would be for a child. One's own child. It doesn't matter what I want or what my then messed-up brain wanted; all that mattered was the kid. Repeat as needed.
Since you are also a parent -- try reading stories from children of alcoholics. It probably won't be an instant, magical cure, but it will give you a good place to send your brain when your brain is trying to say "Let's get drunk again!"
Even if you are viewing yourself as functional right now, even if you are boozing only after the kid is in bed, routine heavy drinking is not compatible with stable family life and good parenting. Replace any thoughts of low self-respect with thoughts about how much you respect your child. Simplify and just do it for him or her; no other reason required.
Do see a doctor about medications to deal with losing the self-medicating aspect of this. I have had horrible sleep issues for decades, and for a while drank too often to try to mediate this. Once, somebody gently noted 'I know you're just trying to fall asleep, but it doesn't actually seem to help that much with your sleep?' A light bulb went off and I dramatically reduced my consumption once freed from the idea that I was 'helping' my sleep -- in reality, I was just going to bed a bit lit; I wasn't actually doing anything useful. Now I take sleeping pills -- not ideal, but they do actually help with sleep while not damaging anything else.
Anyway. Do seek out the voices of people who grew up with substance-dependent parents. You probably know some in real life, but a browse around the internet and library will get you loads of reading material. If I could manage to leverage that into staying alive while a vitamin-deficient brain was trying very hard to torpedo me, I've got to think it's a technique that can be applied to other problems. The critical parts were forcing myself to do the hard work of reading the narratives, and streamlining and distilling it all into just: you can not do this because you are a parent, full stop, instead of a set of multiple issues. Set aside the writings that resonated with you, that were the most painful to read, and return to them when your brain starts in with the lie that another night with another litre of plonk will be a great idea. You can even tell yourself you just have to tough it out until the kid's grown and stable and settled if that's what it takes, and then you can drink yourself stupid -- but right now, no deal.
posted by kmennie at 10:14 AM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you're looking for a new "ritual," you could try bedtime yoga. Here's two videos on YouTube from Yoga with Adriene: 20 minute practice that is mostly slowing down and being calm with a bit of stretching out, and Bedtime Yoga Sequence that is 35 minutes long and gets into more stretching. Both are very relaxing, and give you some nice personal time to be quiet and reflect. You can do them alone, or with your partner and/or child.
If financial motivators work for you, you could put the money you'd spend on wine into a "celebration" container, either as cash or bank transfers into a savings account, and either at a given period or when the money reaches a certain goal, you can splurge on something that makes you happy, either as a solitary thing or something with your partner and/or child. Or spend the money on them.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:54 AM on July 29, 2016 [5 favorites]
If financial motivators work for you, you could put the money you'd spend on wine into a "celebration" container, either as cash or bank transfers into a savings account, and either at a given period or when the money reaches a certain goal, you can splurge on something that makes you happy, either as a solitary thing or something with your partner and/or child. Or spend the money on them.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:54 AM on July 29, 2016 [5 favorites]
The thought of giving up that late night "me time" ritual terrifies me a bit.
I've been thinking about this a bit as I went about my day. I'm definitely a ritual person (never diagnosed with anything but count stairs, tap things, take too long to make the bed) and I remember this from my dad's patterns of drinking. Because at some level what I really had was a few cognitive distortions about my life ("I can't sleep without this" and "My precarious life will turn into a pile of shit without sleep so I am making the smart choice" was the main set). Since I don't drink seriously any more, I can look back on that and see it for the distorted thinking that it was but at the time it was SO REAL that I really couldn't see it any other way.
And the thing about my alcoholic dad (never drank before 5 pm, always convinced himself that he was a "functioning alcoholic" and the problem was people giving him shit about his drinking, not his drinking. This is all, sadly, typical) was that he was deeply frightened of things. Of being uncomfortable. Of trying to be different and failing. Of his marriage falling apart. Of not knowing the answer. Of getting older. Of being lonely and forgotten. Whatever the thing was. And instead of voicing his fears and being able to work on managing them, he just obliterated them every night so that he could get some peace. And his life got very small. Wouldn't go to any restaurant he'd never been to before. Wouldn't meet new people. Wouldn't do his own laundry or cleaning. Wouldn't leave the house. Wouldn't go into rooms of the house which had problems he would need to deal with. Wouldn't scoop the litter box. Wouldn't admit that some of this stuff had gotten out of hand because of him. And his body broke down a little. He'd fall at night. He wasn't sure if some of his problems were because of hitting his head, or his drinking, or something else. He had other problems too dismal to go into, but it wasn't that great to be him.
I'm an anxious person too and I am often frightened. But every day I'm not drinking is a day I can work on my shit. I meditate. I go to therapy. I reality check some of my concerns with friends. I tell them when I am worried about myself, or about my life. I forgive myself and other people. I am tuned in to my imperfections. And I learn, slowly, that the anxiety can go away when you're not holding on so tightly to it that it drives your decisions, that it needs to be obliterated.
I miss being out of it. It's actually more work to care than not to care and that frustrates the hell out of me. Sleep takes work for me, though I do sleep (and like kmennie sometimes I take medicine, it helps). Interacting with other people sober is challenging but also genuine. There are a lot of peopel walking the same path and it's helpful to me to hear their stories here and elsewhere and know that everyone's got a thing they're working on, and that means they can understand your thing and maybe help you with it.
posted by jessamyn at 11:48 AM on July 29, 2016 [17 favorites]
I've been thinking about this a bit as I went about my day. I'm definitely a ritual person (never diagnosed with anything but count stairs, tap things, take too long to make the bed) and I remember this from my dad's patterns of drinking. Because at some level what I really had was a few cognitive distortions about my life ("I can't sleep without this" and "My precarious life will turn into a pile of shit without sleep so I am making the smart choice" was the main set). Since I don't drink seriously any more, I can look back on that and see it for the distorted thinking that it was but at the time it was SO REAL that I really couldn't see it any other way.
And the thing about my alcoholic dad (never drank before 5 pm, always convinced himself that he was a "functioning alcoholic" and the problem was people giving him shit about his drinking, not his drinking. This is all, sadly, typical) was that he was deeply frightened of things. Of being uncomfortable. Of trying to be different and failing. Of his marriage falling apart. Of not knowing the answer. Of getting older. Of being lonely and forgotten. Whatever the thing was. And instead of voicing his fears and being able to work on managing them, he just obliterated them every night so that he could get some peace. And his life got very small. Wouldn't go to any restaurant he'd never been to before. Wouldn't meet new people. Wouldn't do his own laundry or cleaning. Wouldn't leave the house. Wouldn't go into rooms of the house which had problems he would need to deal with. Wouldn't scoop the litter box. Wouldn't admit that some of this stuff had gotten out of hand because of him. And his body broke down a little. He'd fall at night. He wasn't sure if some of his problems were because of hitting his head, or his drinking, or something else. He had other problems too dismal to go into, but it wasn't that great to be him.
I'm an anxious person too and I am often frightened. But every day I'm not drinking is a day I can work on my shit. I meditate. I go to therapy. I reality check some of my concerns with friends. I tell them when I am worried about myself, or about my life. I forgive myself and other people. I am tuned in to my imperfections. And I learn, slowly, that the anxiety can go away when you're not holding on so tightly to it that it drives your decisions, that it needs to be obliterated.
I miss being out of it. It's actually more work to care than not to care and that frustrates the hell out of me. Sleep takes work for me, though I do sleep (and like kmennie sometimes I take medicine, it helps). Interacting with other people sober is challenging but also genuine. There are a lot of peopel walking the same path and it's helpful to me to hear their stories here and elsewhere and know that everyone's got a thing they're working on, and that means they can understand your thing and maybe help you with it.
posted by jessamyn at 11:48 AM on July 29, 2016 [17 favorites]
Skipped to the bottom to tell you what I believe you know . . . you are an alcoholic. And I'd strongly recommend a treatment program. Look carefully and find one that works for you, and then keep it going with a simpatico outpatient group (an AA meeting you like for example) and a strong sponsor.
The sense of attachment you have to your evening ritual is one of the many ways your addiction is keeping you under lock and key. You can only move away from these seductive addictive thoughts by learning how to confront them, and frankly the best way to do that is treatment and consistent community based followup.
posted by bearwife at 1:17 PM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
The sense of attachment you have to your evening ritual is one of the many ways your addiction is keeping you under lock and key. You can only move away from these seductive addictive thoughts by learning how to confront them, and frankly the best way to do that is treatment and consistent community based followup.
posted by bearwife at 1:17 PM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
P.S. I have a book recommendation for you. This is one of the most insightful books I'v read on alcoholism, although there are more good ones out there.
posted by bearwife at 1:20 PM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by bearwife at 1:20 PM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
You pretty much exactly describe me before I got sober. Shoot me a memail and we can talk about my experience in AA and/or what being sober is like, if you like. Short version is it's the best thing I ever did!
posted by soakimbo at 6:29 PM on July 29, 2016
posted by soakimbo at 6:29 PM on July 29, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
I guess more to your point: it's something you have to find or discover or decide. Posting this question is solid indication you're ready to make that discovery or decision. At times when I've chosen to not drink for prolonged periods of time, /r/stopdrinking has been awesome. I found AA something that very much did not resonate with me. YMMV of course, and I encourage you to check out AA if you think it might resonate with you.
posted by so fucking future at 9:26 PM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]