Name not on the invite, but 99% sure I am invited to the wedding...

June 17, 2016 8:01 PM

So, live-in boyfriend of three years brother is getting married in September. We live in a different state from him and they're not particularly close, so I've only met his brother a few times and his fiancée once, but I'm on friendly terms with the family (I spend Christmas with them, etc). Boyfriend probably talks to his brother about every 6 months.

Boyfriend's invitation to the wedding recently came in the mail, and it was only addressed to him. His thinking is "Of course you're invited! Why wouldn't you be invited? We'll just RSVP you, too! No big deal! Just a careless mistake!" The super-anxious and hyper-conscious-of-etiquette Southerner in me is worried that this comes across as presumptuous and that we should ask before assuming that I would be invited. What's your take? Thanks, AskMe.

posted by socktothepuppet to Human Relations (23 answers total)

Best answer: Boyfriend should contact brother and check. Yes, you should be included on the invitation, but the situation is hinky and he should ask for clarification. (And if his brother says you're not invited, boyfriend should reconsider his relationship with brother.)
posted by lazuli at 8:03 PM on June 17, 2016 [45 favorites]

Best answer: If you have been dating for three years and live together, not inviting you would be far ruder than asking your boyfriend to check if you are invited.
posted by griphus at 8:05 PM on June 17, 2016 [31 favorites]

Best answer: If it doesn't have your name or "and guest" on the invite, definitely double check....and Nthing lazuli.
posted by brujita at 8:07 PM on June 17, 2016 [11 favorites]

Best answer: Be sure to have boyfriend ask directly. If the wedding includes dinner, then they might only have enough plates for the exact number of people they're expecting. It might just be an oversight, but its one that you should be sure to remedy before you show up at the wedding and there isn't a place for you at the table.

It might be rude, but wedding planning is chaos and sometimes things get overlooked.
posted by dis_integration at 8:07 PM on June 17, 2016 [9 favorites]

The invitation clearly specifies just your bf, neither your name nor anything about a 'plus one'? Definitely ask, don't assume you're invited.

And if they DID purposely leave you out, yeah that's rude.
posted by easily confused at 8:09 PM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]

Ask - it is possible that they sent your invitation separately.
posted by Toddles at 8:20 PM on June 17, 2016

Have him ask. I agree that it's rude to have left you out if this is a traditional big wedding. If it turns out it is a very small event with an extremely limited guest list then that's not so rude but they should have been more communicative about that to the family.

It could also be that because you aren't married they're sending you a separate invite. That's something I've seen happen with more old fashioned wedding planners running things.
posted by Mizu at 8:22 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

Nthing that you should check: people get weird when it comes to weddings.
posted by brianogilvie at 8:22 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: The hyper-conscious-of-etiquette Southerner in you is 100% correct.
posted by ejs at 8:24 PM on June 17, 2016 [33 favorites]

If you want to be super-polite about asking, your boyfriend can call his brother and say how excited he is, and (incidentally, somewhere in the conversation) that his awesome partner is also so excited for them and will be looking forward to seeing them at Christmas, but you both understand it's just family at the wedding! Or he can talk to his/the fiancee's mom or someone else likely to be involved in wedding planning to check--it's easier for someone a step removed to say "yes, I'm sorry, only married couples" (or "it's just a small wedding" or whatever) in the unlikely event this was deliberate.
posted by cogitron at 8:26 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]

I don't think you're invited. You can certainly have your boyfriend check but it sounds clear to me.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 8:27 PM on June 17, 2016 [9 favorites]

Having your boyfriend ask beforehand is infinitely less fraught and awkward than finding out when you arrive what your invitation status is.
posted by rtha at 9:03 PM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]

Definitely don't assume. I'm sure you're lovely but I can totally imagine a question coming from the other side: "I'm having a small wedding and I want to invite my brother, but his significant other really rubs me the wrong way through no fault of her own. Will they get the picture if I only address the invitation to him?" (Then of course he'd get answers saying that it's terribly rude not to invite a live-in partner.)
posted by supercres at 9:19 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]

Alternatively, if your partner is reluctant to ask his brother, if a parent is organising the invites (hosting) your boyfriend could ask them. But in my circles, according to that invite you are absolutely not invited. And if you live together, it is a very, very rude and deliberate snub.

Because it is so socially egregious, it's usually a mistake. Your partner absolutely must check with someone. It cannot be assumed that you were invited because the wording on the invite is almost universally coded the same as saying "UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES BRING SOCKTOTHEPUPPET to our wedding."


Double check with the host.
posted by taff at 9:23 PM on June 17, 2016 [7 favorites]

Best answer: I also think the invitation is clear and that you are not invited. I also think it is super weird/rude/omg...

- It totally occurs to me that her family sent out the invitation and they don't know you exist because boyfriend's brother and bride left that info out.

Your boyfriend needs to be direct and ask his brother, but in a nice way. There is a chance this is an oversight.

OTOH...Y'know. It sounds like the brother and his bride might be assholes, and if that turns out to be the case, I don't think you should take it at all personally! Your boyfriend can go to the wedding or not. Like, these people sound so bizarre, I think you should laugh at them. A lot.

They're not normal if they did not invite you on purpose. It would be so ridiculous and petty that I want your boyfriend to let the bait lie there on the floor without comment. Don't sink to their level if this was on purpose! They're not worth it!!**


**Totally hoping the bride's family made a mistake, fingers crossed :))
posted by jbenben at 9:29 PM on June 17, 2016 [7 favorites]

Yeah definitely your bf needs to ask. It could very well be small enough that you didn't make the guest list, or (more likely) it was an oversight, but even in that case you don't want to show up and find there's no place set for you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:40 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Phew! Okay, showed boyfriend the thread, and he's going to ask and make sure. I guess his parents have already been working under the assumption that I'm invited/invited me to the rehearsal dinner, so it sounds like it's most likely a communication snafu between brother/fiancée and her parents (who sent the invitation). Will post an update when I know more, but I'm glad my instincts on this to "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CHECK BEFORE ASSUMING" were right.
posted by socktothepuppet at 10:07 PM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]

Others have pointed out that it is rude but left out the reason. People who are living together are assumed to be secretly engaged for wedding etiquette purposes. Not inviting both halves of an engaged couple is completely beyond the pale. Your boyfriend should check before RSVPing and then not go if it was intentional.
posted by Mitheral at 11:04 PM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]

When I got married, my side of the family did the invites (mr. Kitty reviewed the list and was fine with it). Later on I realized we didn't invite kids of his friends, who we would have been thrilled to invite - but he didn't think of it and I didn't know when addressing invites. You should 109% check with the brother, but I wouldn't immediately jump to an assumption that you were left off on purpose, especially if they only talk twice a year.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 11:46 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]

FWIW, in the chaos of sending out our invitations, we inadvertently wrote out Mr & Mrs Whatsit and daughter, on autopilot, because the three of them were always referred to in that unit - as a bit of a family joke. We did not invite other children, and shouldn't have included the daughter, and caused a bit of a family kerfuffle, when she came to the wedding- mistakes happen, so just ask!
posted by sarajane at 7:55 AM on June 18, 2016

I was once invited to the wedding of some college friends who lived elsewhere, and the invite only had me on the envelope, not my live-in girlfriend (now wife). We assumed she wasn't invited, and I went without her. When I was at the reception, my newlywed friends asked me where she was. So in this case, they had clearly meant to invite her and neglected to put her name on the envelope. It happens.

It wasn't that big a deal as my partner didn't really know them well, but in your case the relationships are closer. I'd assume you are invited, but certainty ask first.
posted by Leontine at 12:34 PM on June 18, 2016

Response by poster: Okay, boyfriend talked to brother, and it turns out he had put an asterisk next to boyfriend's name to remind himself to ask boyfriend what my full name was, and in the ridiculousness of wedding planning invites were sent out and fiancée saw the asterisk and didn't know what it meant and sent the invite without me. They were apologetic and very welcoming. In short, all was resolved. Thanks for the advice, everyone!
posted by socktothepuppet at 6:35 PM on June 18, 2016 [47 favorites]

Best answer: Ask > Guess, once again. 😉
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:35 PM on June 20, 2016 [2 favorites]