Should I bring up an issue of listening skills after one date?

May 1, 2016 8:40 PM

I value listening skills in a partner. I was surprised to find that a man who was responsive, curious and affirming via online message didn't bring the conversational energy I expected when we met in person. Can I communicate this to him after our first date?

I went on a date with a man with a lot of high expectations and was surprised to find that our conversation didn't flow the way I expected. In writing, he was affirming, asked questions, complimented me, seemed really interested in what I do and why... But when we met in person, it was quite different than I expected. He seemed content to chat about his life, his dog, his family, his friends (by name! who I don't even know!), the configuration of his house...

Here's how the conversation went from my perspective: I asked questions, then listened to him. I asked probing questions and follow-ups when it felt right. I was fascinated! But then he kept talking. Over an hour and a half he asked me maybe three questions? and after I responded, he did not probe or reflect back what I said--he instead talked about something relevant from his own life. If I brought up something just on my own without being invited, he seemed fine to talk about it--but would still bring it back to his own experience right away. For the last 15 minutes I just occasionally gazed away at the wall and stopped giving the same level of responsiveness. He did not seem to notice anything. I felt like he wasn't responding to me as a conversational partner.

I know my behavior was passive. I just wasn't sure what to bring up directly.

This guy is cute, I like his voice, I like his face, I want to make out with him, I enjoyed the conversation aside from the balance... but I know that someone not being an active listener is a deal-breaker for me. It's an important part of the emotional dynamic that leads to me feeling safe and attracted to someone.

I just hate this dynamic where people talk for most of a date, I listen, and in the end they have a great time and I don't and they have no idea.

He already wrote me a text offering to meet up again. I am wondering how to respond, if at all. Should I say something about this? Can I make a joke or should I be direct? Can you speak at all to the fact that this is something I've encountered repeatedly on dates?

My potential blind spots: Maybe I am too impressed by my perception of my own listening skills. I can also feel a bit insecure about putting my thoughts out there, especially if I don't think the other person welcomes them and wants to hear them. Maybe I am a bit particular about what topics people bring to a first date?

He's mid-thirties, I'm late twenties.

posted by ramenopres to Human Relations (17 answers total)

I don't think bringing this up is likely to help. I would either walk away or go out again and see if you click better.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:43 PM on May 1, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: One date? Even after a long online relationship, an IRL date can still be awkward or otherwise like a first meeting. Give it another shot.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:45 PM on May 1, 2016 [22 favorites]

Can't tell whether you want to tell him as a helpful tip for his future dates or so that you have a better time when you go out with him again. Both probably futile; he's not likely to change now
posted by supercres at 8:46 PM on May 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

He was probably nervous and running at the mouth. I'd say, since you seem to like him otherwise, give it another date or two to see if he settles down and is a better conversationalist when he's a little more comfortable.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:47 PM on May 1, 2016 [31 favorites]

Reading the other comments, I've changed my mind. Especially if he seemed somewhat nervous otherwise instead of self-centered or pompous. But either way I wouldn't say anything.
posted by supercres at 8:49 PM on May 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Captain Awkward has you covered on this one.

If I were you, I'd give Date #2 a shot, and don't bring up your concerns - just see how he interacts with you. First dates are usually awkward in one way or another, and hopefully, it was just a matter of nervousness on his part. If he's still bloviating abut his frigging floor plan, walk; you're better off single than having to cringe your way through interacting with someone who can't or won't make the effort to be a decent conversationalist.
posted by blerghamot at 8:51 PM on May 1, 2016 [10 favorites]

I've been on dates with people who chatter about themselves like mad when they're nervous-- it's a way to keep awkward silences from happening-- but have turned out to be deeply interested in me as a person. If you like him otherwise see about giving it another go, but I don't know if I'd say anything about it to him in advance. One, he's not all that likely to change his behavior for you long term so it's good to know now if that's just how he is, and two, you might make him even more self-conscious.
posted by WidgetAlley at 8:51 PM on May 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'd go out with him again, but do some activity together instead of sitting and talking: take a walk, visit a museum, go DO something together. If he's the same on date #2, move on and keep looking.
posted by summerstorm at 9:29 PM on May 1, 2016 [2 favorites]

Give it another or two more dates, but definitely move on if there's no improvement. I spent 6+ months on a guy like this before finally admitting that he was just looking for an audience rather than a gf and I wished I'd cut my losses earlier.
posted by TwoStride at 9:35 PM on May 1, 2016

If you like him, then sure, go for a second date- he might have just been nervous.

If he keeps doing it and it's in line with your overall communication style, you could maybe make a joke about it about halfway through the date. If you like him, you can soften the joke with nice "I like you" signals like eye contact, flirting, touching, compliments, attention, whatever- show you like him while giving feedback. The direct approach can be wonderful with certain people- it can be charming / disarming / sexy / bold / fun / intimate to be straightforward. Depending on his personality, he might like it- I find I tend to like and respect people who notice things I do and constructively criticize me.

If being that direct isn't your style, or if you feel it'll hurt his feelings more than it's worth, you might wanna bring it up directly by email after the date.

Or, to be more indirect, you could praise how nicely he emails, with specific hints ("That's a good question!", "I love that you asked me that", "Wow, you're perceptive" -type comments) and he will then know you like conversations that also focus on you. Or at some point you could bring it up indirectly, "I have this friend who never asks me any questions, I find it so weird!" He might take the hint.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:41 PM on May 1, 2016

Best answer: So you didn't like the dynamic, then don't go out with him again. But if I got criticized like that (which I see as a red flag indicating overly controlling behavior---it's not his job to live up to your high expectations, it's your job to manage yourself emotionally enough to be realistic) I'd leave.

Also, he sounds boring. There are a lot of guys who just want you to be their audience. See if he keeps doing it. You can't manage and control other people though. Just move on.
posted by discopolo at 11:04 PM on May 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I've gone out with guys like this. In my experience it's not even that uncommon for men to be self-obsessed and uninterested in others' experiences, feelings, and thoughts. If you ask them questions, they'll happily pontificate on their favorite subject--themselves--with nary an inkling that maybe they should show a modicum of interest in the human being sitting across from them. I've given these eejuts second (and third, and...) chances. Never once gave they behaved differently on subsequent occasions.

Not once.

I've tried being explicit ("I like being asked questions", "I'm happy to talk about X", etc.). It's never resulted in a change. And I don't like inserting monologues into a conversation. I like a back and forth. I can't deal with just a forth. So this'd be a deal-breaker for me.

I don't buy nervousness as a reason for this particular behaviour continuing for an hour and a half. I think if he were truly interested in you, he'd ask questions about you and your experiences. He's not. You know that mefi saying, that you should believe it when someone shows or tells you who they are? Well, he's showing you he's a self-absorbed waste of time; believe it.

Somehow he's learned some words to type over email that get him dates. But when it comes down to real time, who he is comes out.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 11:46 PM on May 1, 2016 [13 favorites]

Best answer: The only way this guy (or any person) is going to know how you feel is if you tell him. It doesn't have to be a come-to-jesus talk, just respond in the moment.

"Wow that was a lot of info, I'm almost afraid to ask another question!"

"OK my turn now - what would you like to know?"

"I'm not sure we're in sync here. You are talking a lot. Are you nervous? Because you don't need to be, I like you."
posted by headnsouth at 6:23 AM on May 2, 2016 [6 favorites]

Response by poster: These are really helpful. I appreciate the mix of responses!

To respond to a common idea: My read on it wasn't that he was nervous, more that he was getting into a comfortable flow and enjoyed hearing himself talk. I don't mean that in a cruel way. It just appeared to be something that gave him some level of pleasure and felt natural to him. I know it can feel heady to have someone give you their full attention, especially if you don't get that often.

One thing I'm telling myself is people our age have had the chance to get feedback and change, so I don't need to give more than one opportunity to respond or adjust or act more like themselves (e.g., a second date or one of the things headnsouth suggested, which I think would feel natural for me to say in a friendly way)... if that.

Definitely agree with the tip to meet ASAP and will try to do that more often. In this case we both had conflicting schedules and couldn't quite find time to meet up for a few weeks, and I didn't hold back in messaging as much as might have been helpful... but, yeah. I think that'll help a lot, if only so I can feel less invested when I have to say no. :(
posted by ramenopres at 6:43 AM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I would do another date and try to change the dynamic without bringing it up.

I can be like this and it's more obvious when I first meet someone because it's like I want to tell the person everything about myself and then I feel like they "get" me and then I feel comfortable. I come from a family of talkative and very divergent conversationalists (where the rules are that you get to talk about yourself as much as you want but you can also interrupt others as needed/get interrupted without being offended) so learning to rein it in and be a better listener with people who have good conversational/listening skills has been a process.

If it's really a turn-off that's understandable but I'd give it another go if everything else is good and given that he was good over email, he might have felt he had a good handle on you from the online conversations and wanted to open up to you.

Also, try an activity-oriented date where there's less room for monologues.
posted by lafemma at 7:23 AM on May 2, 2016 [3 favorites]

I went out with a guy recently who was great at texting (smart, funny, quick-witted), but awful at face-to-face conversations. I know he was into me (he made that very clear), so it wasn't like he was trying to give me the brush-off. I initially thought that he was just nervous, but after 4-5 dates, I was still doing mostly all of the talking and asking of questions. It was exhausting! I eventually asked him about it and he said it was because he liked me a lot and didn't want to say something stupid. (Good grief.) I stopped seeing him.
posted by ATX Peanut at 9:31 AM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: One thing I'm telling myself is people our age have had the chance to get feedback and change, so I don't need to give more than one opportunity to respond or adjust or act more like themselves

Well, some people have gotten the clue that they need to be a really good conversationalist and make a very good impression on first dates if they want to go out again. So they will seem like they are interested in hearing about you and listening at first, even if they are actually incredibly self absorbed and not even actually paying attention to anything you say -- but you won't find this out until later.

People don't necessarily "act like themselves" on first dates, some people are very practiced at acting like who they are not. You can certainly choose to reject people after one date for anything you wish, but you will be skewing your dating choices in favor of people who have created very practiced and smooth personas they trot out on first dates to make a good impression. Often these same people don't turn out to be as wonderful later on.
posted by yohko at 11:07 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]