Should I cancel my trip?

December 20, 2005 4:40 PM

What to do about Holiday Depression-related Decision. I have a pair of tickets for me and my partner to travel to my parents' home and then on to a tropical place. My partner is in a very low point and no longer wants to go because everything seems overwhelming. Do I go alone (which would be sad and possibly leave my partner at risk of deeper depression)? Do I cancel for both? Do I cut the first part of the trip off and try to explain to my family (who knows about depression but doesn't "get" it)?

Partner is off meds (which I think is part of the problem). I don't know if the airline will refund the money or credit me. Let's assume that's not part of the decision.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (11 answers total)

People respond to depression in different ways. Speaking as a depressed person, I think cancelling everything would be a disaster. I'd be overwhelmed with guilt and (even greater) hopelessness if everything was called off on my say-so, especially if it involved losing money. And staying home alone would be very bleak indeed, even though it's probably the easiest thing to do. Easy as in 'requires least effort on the part of the depressed person'. But as miserable as staying at home would be, I'd find the Christmas with inlaws to be the most daunting thing. I'd be tempted to suggest cutting out visiting your folks (even though I'm sure they're lovely people) and going straight for tropicana. Sunshine and sand can't cure depression, but at least there could be a sense of having achieved something, and leaving the house to do something different is a signifcant step.
posted by nylon at 5:15 PM on December 20, 2005

Do I cut the first part of the trip off and try to explain to my family

So I take it that the family part is overwhelming but the tropical place might be okay? I'd at least try that route if you have no other option. Or send him directly to the tropical place now while you spend some time with your fam. They will understand on some level if you can't make it. You're not lying by telling them that he's sick and can't make it.

Of course, there are many other problems in this picture. Like getting him back on meds, the fact that one's partner is obligated to fulfill certain family functions, etc. But those are kind of upstream from where you are now.
posted by scarabic at 5:59 PM on December 20, 2005

Yes, don't cancel the whole thing -- it would probably backfire in the sense that your partner would feel guilty and even more depressed about the fact that s/he "ruined your holidaym" even if you do or say nothing to reinforce that idea. You might need to bail on your parents, for everyone's sake, unless you're planning to stay at a hotel during your visit, in which case you could spend time with your family for a while while your partner wouldn't be obligated to attend.

Do try to persuade (not harangue or guilt-trip) your partner to at least go to the tropics with you. A change of scene might well do some good, though ultimately getting back on the meds is what probably needs to happen before things will really get better.
posted by Gator at 6:02 PM on December 20, 2005

I emphatically second nylon's recommendation. Your partner needs to get back on meds, and get out of the house without being challenged by the inlaws.

If you are leaving from the inlaws' place, then perhaps you could have a brief get-together with them before you move on.

What's important is (and this is the hard thing) that you arrange everything, and ask nothing of your partner except his/her company. You pack, you drive, etc. With any luck, your partner will be more fully engaged in a few days.
posted by frykitty at 6:15 PM on December 20, 2005

Meanwhile get your partner into as much natural sunlight as possible. This is one strategy my psychiatrist gave me in addition to meds, etc.

All too well I know that overwhelmed feeling, though. It's tough.
posted by konolia at 6:45 PM on December 20, 2005

Do I cut the first part of the trip off and try to explain to my family (who knows about depression but doesn't "get" it)?

This might be the key to it - if your family don't 'get ' depression they might not be the best people for your partner to cope with right now and it might be best to miss that part out.
posted by Flitcraft at 7:19 PM on December 20, 2005

Personally, as a depressed person, I think a week in the tropics would do one helluva lot to improve my spirits. You'd probably have to force me into it (I become rather agrophobic/antisocial when depressed), but once there I think I'd be spending a lot of time in the sun and sea, which can't help but be healthy.

Mind, I also do the S.A.D. thing, so the sunshine alone would boost me a good deal.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:11 PM on December 20, 2005

Oh, and if it's the 'rents thing that's the root problem, good god, I'd want you so much to blow them off. This is one of those things that defines who's the more important: partner or parents. Both can not come first every time.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:13 PM on December 20, 2005

Do NOT send your partner to the tropics by him/herself. Speaking from experience, sunshine doesn't necessarily ease depression. See if you can talk to the person who prescribed the meds and get the doctor-- or therapist if s/he has one-- to call your partner. Massage or acupuncture might help too.
posted by brujita at 10:35 PM on December 20, 2005

Sorry, let me rephrase. See if you can get SO to call doctor/therapist.
posted by brujita at 12:32 AM on December 21, 2005

I am of the opinion that in difficult situations, parents should follow VERY closely the advice of their children about their partners. So if your parents dont "get it" - well, I think you have to be stronger and more prescriptive with them about the situation.

Their treating your depressed partner in a way that works should not be negotiable, and should not hinge on their understanding anything at all - it should follow from unconditionally following the specific request of their child.

Parents spend a lot of time asking for the unconditional support of children, and at some point with every adult child the shoe is on the other foot. IMO too few children "get" that though and take a lot of shit from otherwise wonderful parents even to the point that it damages the underlying relationship. A little clarity and faith all around would be a good thing.
posted by mikel at 3:58 AM on December 21, 2005