How do I help my paranoid, elderly mom in rapid mental decline?
March 3, 2016 6:41 AM Subscribe
My elderly mom is experiencing a delusion that seems to be rapidly worsening. I am her only family and live 8 hours away. She will not see a doctor. What should I do?
She has been in decline since my dad died 19 years ago after a 10 year cascade of illnesses. I tried to intercede as our house took on rescue cats and one severely traumatized incontinent dog, with the end result being a personal breakdown that resulted in the loss of my career. After that point, I had to remove myself from the situation for my own sanity. My infrequent visits to my childhood home show our house in disrepair. Her wedding dress was covered in cat fur and scratches from kneading. Things were covered in cat urine. The house smells. Cat vomit unnoticed in a corner. Cat fur in a sandwich she made for me.
My mom has always been extremely determined and stubborn. When my dad was diagnosed with COPD and emphysema and I developed asthma, she refused to get rid of our cats under our doctor's orders. My asthma severely affected my life until I went away to college. My first visit back resulted in an emergency room visit. My mom doesn't believe that I have any allergy to the cats and that my asthma comes from dust.
When I was a senior in high school, my father's cancer became terminal. My dad was catatonic in a hospital bed in our living room with home palliative care visiting intermittently. My mom did not want to tell her employer about his illness because she didn't want to become emotional at work and went to her job. When I called myself in to my high school attendance office saying that I had to miss school to stay with him, I received a call back from the dean saying that I would not be able to return due to missing so much school that year. My father died that night and I was ultimately allowed to return and graduate, but barely. (Odd aside -- my mother had dropped out of high school her senior year because her own father died.)
Her anxiety is extreme. She hasn't traveled out of the city in 20 years. She will not come to my city to meet her grandchild. I have offered and she just simply says she can't. She will not see doctors. She will see dentists and all eye doctors, particularly because her vision has been an ongoing issue. She has had eye surgery and is facing vision loss nonetheless. Repair and delivery men are allowed in the house but none of our neighbors are. Her life centers around going to our public library, where she has an extensive queue of reserved books and art films, going to Whole Foods (she's vegetarian now), getting the five cats' health maintained, and watching two movies a day. She listens to NPR all day and follows world news closely. She presents as 100% sharp.
The delusion she is experiencing began a few years ago. Her computer got a virus and she kept having issues with it. On my advice she got an iPad, which also had issues. She connected strange phone calls to these computer issues and cancelled her land line (cutting her off from our family outside the country entirely). She then went through a succession of cell phones, changing numbers constantly and angry when the companies wouldn't understand how to fix it. She cancelled the Internet and got rid of the computer and iPad because of "the hacker." My mom is very intelligent but has always struggled with understanding computers and Internet and cell phones. She began to only charge the cell phones at the public library (where she also uses the Internet) because of a belief that charging it at home opened it up to hacking. My attempts to clarify these misunderstandings have failed.
The virus or whatever happened to her computer somehow connected to a light she saw in our neighbor's window. She confronted him and he somehow politely clarified that he did not know what she meant, and she decided he was not The Guy. The focus then moved to our other neighbor, who told her "F*** off" when she confronted him and told him to leave her phone alone. That incident happened about a year ago.
Saturday she called me, happy that she had finally figured out how The Guy was "accessing" the phone. She said she saw a pulse of light come from his house into our microwave. She went to the library, wikipedia'd microwaves, and found the entry for electromagnetic interference. She said that she had unplugged the microwave and would no longer be using it. Yesterday she called from a burner phone and said that The Guy had now gotten into the DVD player and radio and that she had gone to a home security shop, where they advised her to contact a private detective and write a cease and desist letter to The Guy. She was near tears and saying all she could do was listen to a tiny radio in our kitchen. It's possible the light pulse she saw was a result of her vision issues. She told me I can call the landline, but don't mention the burner phone's existence.
Right now I have been overwhelmed in my own life with a new baby, postpartum depression, and news of my half sister outside the country being diagnosed with brain cancer. We are just barely keeping our little household running. I don't know what to do. Everyone I have asked about dementia symptoms had their extended family deal with it. I have spoken to many doctors over the years about this and none have had any helpful ideas -- one even said, "why don't you have the rug removed?" when I told him about the ongoing urine damage from the animals.
There remains one neighbor I trust. I have also identified the neighbor she believes to be doing this, a twentysomething political filmmaker activist. I am out of ideas and beyond exhausted by this. I've got nothing. What is happening here? What is she suffering from and what on earth do I do?
She has been in decline since my dad died 19 years ago after a 10 year cascade of illnesses. I tried to intercede as our house took on rescue cats and one severely traumatized incontinent dog, with the end result being a personal breakdown that resulted in the loss of my career. After that point, I had to remove myself from the situation for my own sanity. My infrequent visits to my childhood home show our house in disrepair. Her wedding dress was covered in cat fur and scratches from kneading. Things were covered in cat urine. The house smells. Cat vomit unnoticed in a corner. Cat fur in a sandwich she made for me.
My mom has always been extremely determined and stubborn. When my dad was diagnosed with COPD and emphysema and I developed asthma, she refused to get rid of our cats under our doctor's orders. My asthma severely affected my life until I went away to college. My first visit back resulted in an emergency room visit. My mom doesn't believe that I have any allergy to the cats and that my asthma comes from dust.
When I was a senior in high school, my father's cancer became terminal. My dad was catatonic in a hospital bed in our living room with home palliative care visiting intermittently. My mom did not want to tell her employer about his illness because she didn't want to become emotional at work and went to her job. When I called myself in to my high school attendance office saying that I had to miss school to stay with him, I received a call back from the dean saying that I would not be able to return due to missing so much school that year. My father died that night and I was ultimately allowed to return and graduate, but barely. (Odd aside -- my mother had dropped out of high school her senior year because her own father died.)
Her anxiety is extreme. She hasn't traveled out of the city in 20 years. She will not come to my city to meet her grandchild. I have offered and she just simply says she can't. She will not see doctors. She will see dentists and all eye doctors, particularly because her vision has been an ongoing issue. She has had eye surgery and is facing vision loss nonetheless. Repair and delivery men are allowed in the house but none of our neighbors are. Her life centers around going to our public library, where she has an extensive queue of reserved books and art films, going to Whole Foods (she's vegetarian now), getting the five cats' health maintained, and watching two movies a day. She listens to NPR all day and follows world news closely. She presents as 100% sharp.
The delusion she is experiencing began a few years ago. Her computer got a virus and she kept having issues with it. On my advice she got an iPad, which also had issues. She connected strange phone calls to these computer issues and cancelled her land line (cutting her off from our family outside the country entirely). She then went through a succession of cell phones, changing numbers constantly and angry when the companies wouldn't understand how to fix it. She cancelled the Internet and got rid of the computer and iPad because of "the hacker." My mom is very intelligent but has always struggled with understanding computers and Internet and cell phones. She began to only charge the cell phones at the public library (where she also uses the Internet) because of a belief that charging it at home opened it up to hacking. My attempts to clarify these misunderstandings have failed.
The virus or whatever happened to her computer somehow connected to a light she saw in our neighbor's window. She confronted him and he somehow politely clarified that he did not know what she meant, and she decided he was not The Guy. The focus then moved to our other neighbor, who told her "F*** off" when she confronted him and told him to leave her phone alone. That incident happened about a year ago.
Saturday she called me, happy that she had finally figured out how The Guy was "accessing" the phone. She said she saw a pulse of light come from his house into our microwave. She went to the library, wikipedia'd microwaves, and found the entry for electromagnetic interference. She said that she had unplugged the microwave and would no longer be using it. Yesterday she called from a burner phone and said that The Guy had now gotten into the DVD player and radio and that she had gone to a home security shop, where they advised her to contact a private detective and write a cease and desist letter to The Guy. She was near tears and saying all she could do was listen to a tiny radio in our kitchen. It's possible the light pulse she saw was a result of her vision issues. She told me I can call the landline, but don't mention the burner phone's existence.
Right now I have been overwhelmed in my own life with a new baby, postpartum depression, and news of my half sister outside the country being diagnosed with brain cancer. We are just barely keeping our little household running. I don't know what to do. Everyone I have asked about dementia symptoms had their extended family deal with it. I have spoken to many doctors over the years about this and none have had any helpful ideas -- one even said, "why don't you have the rug removed?" when I told him about the ongoing urine damage from the animals.
There remains one neighbor I trust. I have also identified the neighbor she believes to be doing this, a twentysomething political filmmaker activist. I am out of ideas and beyond exhausted by this. I've got nothing. What is happening here? What is she suffering from and what on earth do I do?
I think about the only thing you may be able to do is contact Elder Services in the state your mom lives in and ask them these questions....what help can she get?
But the other underlying issue is if you do get someone out there willing to help, will she accept it? It doesn't seem likely, and unfortunately, unless she poses an active danger to herself or others, there may not be much that can be done if she refuses any assistance offered. But at the very least, you may be able to get a social worker or a police officer to check on the situation. I'd also suggest that you contact the local police department and ask if there is a way you can ask them to conduct relatively routine wellness checks on her --- like once a month, or to ask them if it's going to be an issue if you ask them with some frequency to do one given the circumstances.
As for the animals --- you could get an animal control officer involved to remove the animals from the premises if she is collecting. That likely won't help her, and it may make things worse, but it's something that could be looked into for the sake of the animals in her care.
This is all so very hard. I hope you are putting your own oxygen mask on first and have a good supports for you where you are. If you don't have your own therapist, please consider looking into getting one --- your own therapist could even have more resources you could consider while also helping you to let what you can't do for her go.
posted by zizzle at 6:56 AM on March 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
But the other underlying issue is if you do get someone out there willing to help, will she accept it? It doesn't seem likely, and unfortunately, unless she poses an active danger to herself or others, there may not be much that can be done if she refuses any assistance offered. But at the very least, you may be able to get a social worker or a police officer to check on the situation. I'd also suggest that you contact the local police department and ask if there is a way you can ask them to conduct relatively routine wellness checks on her --- like once a month, or to ask them if it's going to be an issue if you ask them with some frequency to do one given the circumstances.
As for the animals --- you could get an animal control officer involved to remove the animals from the premises if she is collecting. That likely won't help her, and it may make things worse, but it's something that could be looked into for the sake of the animals in her care.
This is all so very hard. I hope you are putting your own oxygen mask on first and have a good supports for you where you are. If you don't have your own therapist, please consider looking into getting one --- your own therapist could even have more resources you could consider while also helping you to let what you can't do for her go.
posted by zizzle at 6:56 AM on March 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Quick addendum: I am in the US, she is in Illinois, and my mom stopped taking cats in several years ago and the cats she has left are ferals.
Also, apologies for the level of detail. I included it because I wanted to illustrate her intractability and levels of denial, and also was hoping someone could spitball what exactly happened to her.
posted by Locative at 7:10 AM on March 3, 2016
Also, apologies for the level of detail. I included it because I wanted to illustrate her intractability and levels of denial, and also was hoping someone could spitball what exactly happened to her.
posted by Locative at 7:10 AM on March 3, 2016
Illinois Eldercare Helpline 1-800-252-8966
Directory of Illinois eldercare resources & services
Start with the helpline.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:15 AM on March 3, 2016 [8 favorites]
Directory of Illinois eldercare resources & services
Start with the helpline.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:15 AM on March 3, 2016 [8 favorites]
I don't think anyone can give you any insights as to what is going on with her. It could be numerous things. There is no shortage of disorders she could be suffering from, and without an examination by a qualified professional, there will be no way to know for sure. Dementia seems a really likely culprit, but it could be a number of other things unrelated to dementia or she could have a disorder that is comorbid with the dementia.
What I do know is her behaviors are not as uncommon as we would maybe like them to be for a relatively older person who has spent much of the past decade on their own --- which is not an indictment of you, by the way. Some not dissimilar things occurred with my grandfather, and the furthest one of his kids lived away was 90 minutes and the closest less than 10. You're far from alone in this experience.
posted by zizzle at 7:40 AM on March 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
What I do know is her behaviors are not as uncommon as we would maybe like them to be for a relatively older person who has spent much of the past decade on their own --- which is not an indictment of you, by the way. Some not dissimilar things occurred with my grandfather, and the furthest one of his kids lived away was 90 minutes and the closest less than 10. You're far from alone in this experience.
posted by zizzle at 7:40 AM on March 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
From my experience with my mother I discovered that a UTI meant almost immediate dementia settling in. The typical symptoms that younger women experience do not appear, but serious confusion did. This can be reversed with full treatment of antibiotics.
Good luck...my mother is in an assisted living a few miles away and she still keeps me hopping.
posted by OkTwigs at 7:50 AM on March 3, 2016 [12 favorites]
Good luck...my mother is in an assisted living a few miles away and she still keeps me hopping.
posted by OkTwigs at 7:50 AM on March 3, 2016 [12 favorites]
It might be a good idea to severely limit your interactions with her for the time being. You've got enough to deal with at home. Are you getting help from a therapist for your post-partum depression? If you're not, please consider seeing one. A therapist, in addition to helping you with your depression, may be able to help you with your mother. Focus on your own stuff for as long as it takes you to feel strong enough to deal with your mother's issues. Take care of yourself and your baby. You should absolutely not feel any guilt for putting your baby's and your needs ahead of your mother's.
Tell your mother in no uncertain terms that you cannot take care of her now and to stop bothering you with stories about electronics. If you have a good partner she or he can help you establish firm rules limiting contact with your mother. And yes, call whatever elder services exist in her community.
posted by mareli at 7:53 AM on March 3, 2016 [6 favorites]
Tell your mother in no uncertain terms that you cannot take care of her now and to stop bothering you with stories about electronics. If you have a good partner she or he can help you establish firm rules limiting contact with your mother. And yes, call whatever elder services exist in her community.
posted by mareli at 7:53 AM on March 3, 2016 [6 favorites]
To add to OKTwigs above, after caring for both an elderly aunt and uncle that had mild dementia that occasionally spiraled in to the paranoid delusions you are describing, I learned much about the onset of UITs. We learned that when they exhibited paranoia to have them checked for UTIs and get them on antibiotics immediately. Infections like this are extremely common in the elderly. I have my own little theory that they are being attacked by infection and somehow it is perceived as an external threat.
Of course, this means getting her in to a doctor. My aunt would not go, but then again her delusions made her call 911 as many as seven times in one night so she would end up hospitalized, although against her will as a mental heath risk. This sucks and I am sorry you are going thru this.
posted by readery at 8:36 AM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Of course, this means getting her in to a doctor. My aunt would not go, but then again her delusions made her call 911 as many as seven times in one night so she would end up hospitalized, although against her will as a mental heath risk. This sucks and I am sorry you are going thru this.
posted by readery at 8:36 AM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also chiming in with the UTI. My dad got one and it made his dementia considerably worse to the point of violence, and he was never -ever- a violent man previously.
Call the hotlines you've been given, and call social services.
posted by FritoKAL at 8:50 AM on March 3, 2016
Call the hotlines you've been given, and call social services.
posted by FritoKAL at 8:50 AM on March 3, 2016
Eldercare is a great place to start. I would specifically see if you can sit down with a social worker who can help you walk through all various care and support options that are available to your mother. And then have the social worker come with you to meet your mother and try to build a relationship with her that can open the door for more care and support. Things that might be available to your mother include a visiting nurse, meals-on-wheels, therapy via phone.
You also need to start thinking through who should have financial control. Does someone need to be appointed power of attorney? Are their health directives on file?
Here is a link to IL Department of Aging. Make sure to check out the support services for caregivers.
posted by brookeb at 8:52 AM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
You also need to start thinking through who should have financial control. Does someone need to be appointed power of attorney? Are their health directives on file?
Here is a link to IL Department of Aging. Make sure to check out the support services for caregivers.
posted by brookeb at 8:52 AM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
I would second the recommendation on police wellness checks.
Does she have the Lifeline service? My out of state mom, who had dementia and anxiety, used to have it when she lived in her condo. She started using it frequently as her mental state declined... and it wound up leading to a brief hospitalization and into assisted living where she belonged. No amount of my talking her into going would have sufficed.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 9:13 AM on March 3, 2016
Does she have the Lifeline service? My out of state mom, who had dementia and anxiety, used to have it when she lived in her condo. She started using it frequently as her mental state declined... and it wound up leading to a brief hospitalization and into assisted living where she belonged. No amount of my talking her into going would have sufficed.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 9:13 AM on March 3, 2016
Response by poster: Thank you for all these great suggestions. I do see a therapist for my postpartum depression and have an appointment Monday as well. I have a wonderful partner who will support me however he can.
The logistics of traveling to Chicago (where she is) are tough. I would have to bring my infant son and there would be no car there for me to use, nor could I stay at her house due to my health -- friends will host, but no one is anywhere close. My husband teaches at two schools and the breaks don't coincide, which is why I would be solo.
There are no medical directives or even a will. She will not discuss plans for if she became ill. She strongly disbelieves in psychotropic drugs and encourages me to eat healthy to remedy my postpartum depression instead of staying on medication.
I have consulted two social workers who gave me advice opposed to the advice here -- do I call every day and get very involved? As pointed out above, I want to protect myself. I have really worked hard to get my current happiness.
I left out how poorly she has taken it when I've suggested that she is being paranoid. She becomes angry and shuts me out indefinitely. I worry that I would have no way then of keeping tabs on her and also just that she would be suffering. In 2003 I had the dog removed by animal control. She actually drove there and paid the fee to adopt him back. She didn't speak to me for a long time after that.
I am also concerned she will confront this neighbor and that the police will be called, or that he or she will end up hurt.
Thanks again. I appreciate all advice. Being cautious not to threadsit. I hope this clarifies anything left out (ha! From that long post, I know).
posted by Locative at 9:53 AM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
The logistics of traveling to Chicago (where she is) are tough. I would have to bring my infant son and there would be no car there for me to use, nor could I stay at her house due to my health -- friends will host, but no one is anywhere close. My husband teaches at two schools and the breaks don't coincide, which is why I would be solo.
There are no medical directives or even a will. She will not discuss plans for if she became ill. She strongly disbelieves in psychotropic drugs and encourages me to eat healthy to remedy my postpartum depression instead of staying on medication.
I have consulted two social workers who gave me advice opposed to the advice here -- do I call every day and get very involved? As pointed out above, I want to protect myself. I have really worked hard to get my current happiness.
I left out how poorly she has taken it when I've suggested that she is being paranoid. She becomes angry and shuts me out indefinitely. I worry that I would have no way then of keeping tabs on her and also just that she would be suffering. In 2003 I had the dog removed by animal control. She actually drove there and paid the fee to adopt him back. She didn't speak to me for a long time after that.
I am also concerned she will confront this neighbor and that the police will be called, or that he or she will end up hurt.
Thanks again. I appreciate all advice. Being cautious not to threadsit. I hope this clarifies anything left out (ha! From that long post, I know).
posted by Locative at 9:53 AM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I just went through something similar. I agree that you should call the social service agencies suggested, but sometimes there is nothing to do but wait for the situation to get bad enough for the authorities to get involved. In my relative's case, she finally got sick enough that she was persuaded to go to the hospital (and she had been opposed to all medical care, so that was a struggle too). At that point, we asked for a psychiatric evaluation and she was found indecisional, so she was not able to go home.
It sounds to me like calling every day would be too difficult for you and unlikely to result in any kind of positive outcome. It's very important to try to just realize that there is a limit to what you can do. And if her neighbor calls the police, it might not be the worst thing. It could result in the state stepping in, and I'm sorry to say that may ultimately be what it will take to resolve the situation. We also just had to accept that my relative might get hurt and that it would be the result of choices she had made. It is heartbreaking to watch it happen, but adults who have not been declared incompetent are allowed to make their own decisions, even if they are bad ones.
It's a very hard thing to go through. Please take care of yourself. Your ability to care for yourself and your child need to come first.
posted by FencingGal at 10:06 AM on March 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
It sounds to me like calling every day would be too difficult for you and unlikely to result in any kind of positive outcome. It's very important to try to just realize that there is a limit to what you can do. And if her neighbor calls the police, it might not be the worst thing. It could result in the state stepping in, and I'm sorry to say that may ultimately be what it will take to resolve the situation. We also just had to accept that my relative might get hurt and that it would be the result of choices she had made. It is heartbreaking to watch it happen, but adults who have not been declared incompetent are allowed to make their own decisions, even if they are bad ones.
It's a very hard thing to go through. Please take care of yourself. Your ability to care for yourself and your child need to come first.
posted by FencingGal at 10:06 AM on March 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: It is heartbreaking to watch it happen, but adults who have not been declared incompetent are allowed to make their own decisions, even if they are bad ones.
This is very painfully true.
If it doesn't adversely affect your own health and safety, getting her on the radar of social services may be a good idea. If you aren't able to, THAT IS OKAY.
The power differential in parent/adult child relationships when the parent has dementia can become incredibly distorted and unsafe. You have the right to set boundaries.
posted by sutureselves at 10:31 AM on March 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
This is very painfully true.
If it doesn't adversely affect your own health and safety, getting her on the radar of social services may be a good idea. If you aren't able to, THAT IS OKAY.
The power differential in parent/adult child relationships when the parent has dementia can become incredibly distorted and unsafe. You have the right to set boundaries.
posted by sutureselves at 10:31 AM on March 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
In my experience going through this with my parents (both of whom I was estranged from) there is a heavy expectation on the part of all potentially involved parties such as elder care and county social services that next of kin will assist. And they tend to get very bullying about it especially if the elderly person isn't poor enough for medicaid assisted living nor rich enough to afford assisted living on their own. Everyone will tell you it's your job to help her oncell they have your contact info. It's guilt inducing and traumatizing. And if you throw up your hands and say sorry I can't because of (insert perfectly logical reasons here) then she will continue to decline at home until eventually when she becomes incapacitated in some way and ends up in the hospital they will dump her in a nursing home that will be the end of her bc without a strong advocate to play watchdog over her and make sure she is properly cared for the nursing home staff will get sloppy and bedsores or uti will lead to infection and death. This is what you're facing. I went through this twice and it was horrible each time. Horrible. :(
posted by TestamentToGrace at 10:56 AM on March 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by TestamentToGrace at 10:56 AM on March 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Something no one has mentioned is guardianship. If she refuses to create a will, this may be something you end up doing down the line anyway.
If you wanted to pursue it now, here's an idea of what that process would be like. You might consult with an elder care attorney near your mother's home to see if they have any ideas about what to do--I'm sure they've heard it all before.
posted by purple_bird at 11:46 AM on March 3, 2016
If you wanted to pursue it now, here's an idea of what that process would be like. You might consult with an elder care attorney near your mother's home to see if they have any ideas about what to do--I'm sure they've heard it all before.
posted by purple_bird at 11:46 AM on March 3, 2016
Best answer: I see elderly people like this in the emergency department all the time, so I have a lot of experience with similar situations. I'm sorry you're going through it. It's much harder for family members - the patients themselves have the strength of their convictions so I think they don't suffer as much.
A UTI could worsen dementia or delusions that are already present, but a UTI doesn't explain her issues that have been going on for years. You say that she is mentally very sharp and not forgetful, and the only area of concern is the delusions. This suggests against dementia as the problem (although impossible to exclude without doing a mental status exam on her). It sounds more like schizoaffective disorder or something along those lines. It also sounds like she may have had some elements of this problem or another personality disorder earlier in life as well, in addition to untreated anxiety.
Read up more on how to deal with delusions. Reading about dementia in parents may help you a lot even if this isn't dementia. One book that's very frequently recommended is the 36 hour day.
Definitely look into conservatorship/guardianship. If her home is a health hazard that would probably work in your favor. You're likely to need to do this someday, so better to get the ball rolling sooner than later because it can take a long time when the person in question is being combative. If you get concerned about her health or safety, either call Elder Services or 911 locally to send someone for a welfare check.
No, you don't need to call her daily or get heavily involved in her life. Keep your own oxygen mask on first. One thing you might consider is asking the neighbor you trust to pass on a message to The Guy. If you send a kind message saying that your mother is mentally ill and you really apologize if she's making his life difficult, you're trying to do what you can do help but you aren't able to do much, forgive her as she knows not what she does - he probably knows all that already but it might be appreciated. And just tell him to please call 911 if she ever displays any concerning behavior towards him.
Final point to make is very important, about delusions.
You cannot reason someone out of a delusion.
A delusion is by definition a fixed, false belief that persists despite all evidence to the contrary. There is no point in trying to convince her that she is wrong or suggest that she's being paranoid. She doesn't have the ability to recognize that and I'm sorry to say that she probably won't ever have insight about this. You can read tons more online on best ways to deal with people who are trying to talk to you about their delusions, but this is the number one rule.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:02 PM on March 3, 2016 [9 favorites]
A UTI could worsen dementia or delusions that are already present, but a UTI doesn't explain her issues that have been going on for years. You say that she is mentally very sharp and not forgetful, and the only area of concern is the delusions. This suggests against dementia as the problem (although impossible to exclude without doing a mental status exam on her). It sounds more like schizoaffective disorder or something along those lines. It also sounds like she may have had some elements of this problem or another personality disorder earlier in life as well, in addition to untreated anxiety.
Read up more on how to deal with delusions. Reading about dementia in parents may help you a lot even if this isn't dementia. One book that's very frequently recommended is the 36 hour day.
Definitely look into conservatorship/guardianship. If her home is a health hazard that would probably work in your favor. You're likely to need to do this someday, so better to get the ball rolling sooner than later because it can take a long time when the person in question is being combative. If you get concerned about her health or safety, either call Elder Services or 911 locally to send someone for a welfare check.
No, you don't need to call her daily or get heavily involved in her life. Keep your own oxygen mask on first. One thing you might consider is asking the neighbor you trust to pass on a message to The Guy. If you send a kind message saying that your mother is mentally ill and you really apologize if she's making his life difficult, you're trying to do what you can do help but you aren't able to do much, forgive her as she knows not what she does - he probably knows all that already but it might be appreciated. And just tell him to please call 911 if she ever displays any concerning behavior towards him.
Final point to make is very important, about delusions.
You cannot reason someone out of a delusion.
A delusion is by definition a fixed, false belief that persists despite all evidence to the contrary. There is no point in trying to convince her that she is wrong or suggest that she's being paranoid. She doesn't have the ability to recognize that and I'm sorry to say that she probably won't ever have insight about this. You can read tons more online on best ways to deal with people who are trying to talk to you about their delusions, but this is the number one rule.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:02 PM on March 3, 2016 [9 favorites]
Regarding guardianship in Illinois, you would first have to hire an attorney licensed to practice in Illinois - which would be in the range of several thousand dollars (if you win, you could be reimbursed from her estate). She would first be appointed a Guardian ad Litem, who would present her with the petition for guardianship and ask her if she wants an attorney. If she chooses to fight it (and it sounds like she will), that attorney's job would be to get her what she wants, no matter how crazy it sounds. If you do decide to pursue guardianship, definitely hire an attorney who specializes in elder law. It can get really messy really fast, and you need someone who knows what he or she is doing. I've dealt with this in Chicago, so feel free to memail me.
posted by FencingGal at 12:11 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by FencingGal at 12:11 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
I hate to say it, but almost the best thing that can happen is the neighbor calling 911 due to a threat. I was worried sick about my aunt getting someone to go buy her cigarettes while she was on oxygen for COPD in an apartment filled with her hoards of paper, every piece of junk mail she had ever received. Once she started calling the police and slapped a nurse at the ER, the hospital social worker was more than happy to walk me thru guardianship.
You are doing the right thing, watch out for yourself.
posted by readery at 12:14 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
You are doing the right thing, watch out for yourself.
posted by readery at 12:14 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Whatever you decide to do, please please please put your needs and the needs of your baby first. Your mother sounds like she's been abusive to you (putting teen you in charge of managing your father's decline, ignoring your very serious health issues, driving you to a breakdown, taking you out of school so she wouldn't have to be emotional at work, etc) and it's not OK for you to sacrifice your own compromised health and that of your baby in order to struggle with her. She refuses medical care and is not interested in helping herself in a productive way. She hasn't been interested in taking care of herself for many years - this isn't a new issue, it's a continuation of mental illness that has been a factor in her life for decades.
There's not much you can do here that will result in a better outcome for her. Speak to social services and be sure to safeguard your own wellbeing when dealing with them. You are a survivor of a chaotic family of origin and have already been extensivley harmed by her actions. Please don't allow yourself or your husband and child be further harmed at a time when taking care of your own health is so critically important. I'm sorry. This must be heartbreaking and confusing, but make sure you take care of yourself first.
posted by quince at 12:15 PM on March 3, 2016 [13 favorites]
There's not much you can do here that will result in a better outcome for her. Speak to social services and be sure to safeguard your own wellbeing when dealing with them. You are a survivor of a chaotic family of origin and have already been extensivley harmed by her actions. Please don't allow yourself or your husband and child be further harmed at a time when taking care of your own health is so critically important. I'm sorry. This must be heartbreaking and confusing, but make sure you take care of yourself first.
posted by quince at 12:15 PM on March 3, 2016 [13 favorites]
I know someone, call her Mary, who is in a similar situation as you. Her mother is in many ways competent at self-care, but is clearly suffering from some kind of mental illness. The difference is that Mary lives close to her mother. Mary works part time, but takes off even more time to help her mother with medical appointments. Her mom refuses to move to assisted living, or even move in with her. Her mom refuses a lot of medical care. Her mom refuses to admit that she has any mental problems, despite not depositing rent checks. Mary is extremely frustrated despite spending hours and hours every week, and still desperately wishes she could make her mother's life better. My point is, you could be on site every single day and still have very limited ability to intervene in a positive way.
posted by wnissen at 10:44 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by wnissen at 10:44 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
She hasn't been interested in taking care of herself for many years - this isn't a new issue, it's a continuation of mental illness that has been a factor in her life for decades.
Exactly, quince.
posted by sutureselves at 5:13 PM on March 7, 2016
Exactly, quince.
posted by sutureselves at 5:13 PM on March 7, 2016
Response by poster: Thank you all for the incredibly thoughtful and helpful advice. All the answers in this thread were helpful, so I marked the ones that suit my particular situation the best right now. I will be referring back to this thread as the situation evolves.
posted by Locative at 10:40 AM on March 19, 2016
posted by Locative at 10:40 AM on March 19, 2016
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The National Center on Elder Abuse (they are a subagency of Heath & Human Services) is one place to look for resources. Some of it is framed around suspected abuse by caregivers but they also cover self-neglect and related issues like what you describe here. (I'm assuming this is in the US but if not there will likely be some sort of equivalent government office.)
posted by Wretch729 at 6:52 AM on March 3, 2016 [5 favorites]