How can I develop sparks while dating Mr. Sparkless But Right?
March 1, 2016 7:46 AM Subscribe
I finally met a guy who's perfect for me on paper: he's kind, polite, and considerate, and he shares many of my interests. He seems to be looking for something serious. We both want to get married and start a family (not necessarily with each other... yet).
But we don't have fun together and there aren't ANY sparks. I think it's because we're both mild-mannered introverts who need a more outgoing and sexually aggressive dating partner. Help! Do I need to morph into a different kind of person to keep this relationship going?
30ish single female here. A month ago, a friend set me up with a guy my age who is absolutely perfect for me in many ways. We have similar lifestyles, so there's a shared perspective on lots of things. What's more, he's kind, honest, polite and considerate. He's smart and responsible. He wants kids and would be a compassionate, caring father. He's conventionally attractive, to boot!
And yet... I don't feel ANY sparks. I think it's because a) he's not funny and doesn't try to be, and b) he's even more introverted than I am and sort of defers to me / looks to me for direction CONSTANTLY.
What this means in practice: We have never laughed together. Laughter has been a big part of my past relationships, but I can't "be funny" in a vacuum without a bantering partner. And the dynamic with me and this gentleman has never EVER felt romantic, since I'm the type of girl to wait for the guy to turn things romantic / be the aggressor, and he's apparently waiting for ME or something.
Is this hopeless? We're so compatible on paper but I don't know if I can feel sparks for such a serious, mild-mannered, sexually unassertive guy. We've only kissed once so far and it was (from my perspective) totally awkward and uncomfortable.
30ish single female here. A month ago, a friend set me up with a guy my age who is absolutely perfect for me in many ways. We have similar lifestyles, so there's a shared perspective on lots of things. What's more, he's kind, honest, polite and considerate. He's smart and responsible. He wants kids and would be a compassionate, caring father. He's conventionally attractive, to boot!
And yet... I don't feel ANY sparks. I think it's because a) he's not funny and doesn't try to be, and b) he's even more introverted than I am and sort of defers to me / looks to me for direction CONSTANTLY.
What this means in practice: We have never laughed together. Laughter has been a big part of my past relationships, but I can't "be funny" in a vacuum without a bantering partner. And the dynamic with me and this gentleman has never EVER felt romantic, since I'm the type of girl to wait for the guy to turn things romantic / be the aggressor, and he's apparently waiting for ME or something.
Is this hopeless? We're so compatible on paper but I don't know if I can feel sparks for such a serious, mild-mannered, sexually unassertive guy. We've only kissed once so far and it was (from my perspective) totally awkward and uncomfortable.
Aw, he's just not right for you. Keep looking.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 7:53 AM on March 1, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by Dressed to Kill at 7:53 AM on March 1, 2016 [7 favorites]
I think this is pretty dead in the water, but your hail mary pass here is to do fun wacky stuff together that'll force you both to let your guard down.
Go to one of those places where they have giant trampolines inside and spend an hour jumping around like idiots. Go somewhere large and populated (shopping mall, museum, etc) and when no one is looking sneak through a door marked employees only and look around. Is laser tag still a thing? Go play laser tag. Go hang out at city hall for several hours and be witnesses for a stranger's wedding. Pick a train at random on a Saturday morning and go explore someplace a few hours away. Find something, anything to take you out of your element and see if you like each other any better then.
And if not, move on.
And don't date people who aren't funny.
posted by phunniemee at 7:54 AM on March 1, 2016 [28 favorites]
Go to one of those places where they have giant trampolines inside and spend an hour jumping around like idiots. Go somewhere large and populated (shopping mall, museum, etc) and when no one is looking sneak through a door marked employees only and look around. Is laser tag still a thing? Go play laser tag. Go hang out at city hall for several hours and be witnesses for a stranger's wedding. Pick a train at random on a Saturday morning and go explore someplace a few hours away. Find something, anything to take you out of your element and see if you like each other any better then.
And if not, move on.
And don't date people who aren't funny.
posted by phunniemee at 7:54 AM on March 1, 2016 [28 favorites]
perfect for me on paper
Respectfully, those words don't mean anything. Not in any practical way. No sparks is a death knell.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:56 AM on March 1, 2016 [19 favorites]
Respectfully, those words don't mean anything. Not in any practical way. No sparks is a death knell.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:56 AM on March 1, 2016 [19 favorites]
"On paper" is a terrible reason to pursue a relationship, and in fact I think it's the reason so many people stay in bad relationships.
My mother once told me, "Find someone who adores you." So I'll say that to you. Find someone who adores you, and who you also adore.
posted by xingcat at 7:58 AM on March 1, 2016 [16 favorites]
My mother once told me, "Find someone who adores you." So I'll say that to you. Find someone who adores you, and who you also adore.
posted by xingcat at 7:58 AM on March 1, 2016 [16 favorites]
"No sparks" is vague enough to not necessarily be a deal breaker. There are plenty of people who have successfully gone from being great friends to a loving couple.
But "we don't have fun together" and "We have never laughed together"? You're not going to fall in love with someone you don't like.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 8:02 AM on March 1, 2016 [10 favorites]
But "we don't have fun together" and "We have never laughed together"? You're not going to fall in love with someone you don't like.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 8:02 AM on March 1, 2016 [10 favorites]
Perfect for you in some ways isn't actually the same as perfect.
If it worked like that, we'd all just get assigned a spouse and be perfectly content forever.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:02 AM on March 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
If it worked like that, we'd all just get assigned a spouse and be perfectly content forever.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:02 AM on March 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
We have never laughed together. Laughter has been a big part of my past relationships
Relationships are different for everyone, but I cannot imagine being with a partner with whom I didn't laugh.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:03 AM on March 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
Relationships are different for everyone, but I cannot imagine being with a partner with whom I didn't laugh.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:03 AM on March 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
I finally met a guy who's perfect for me on paper
We're so compatible on paper
I don't think he is good for you "on paper." I'm reading what you wrote about him — you might as well as have written it on paper. And what you wrote makes him sound bad for you. If he were good for you, you would not need to ask: "Do I need to morph into a different kind of person to keep this relationship going?"
posted by John Cohen at 8:08 AM on March 1, 2016 [7 favorites]
We're so compatible on paper
I don't think he is good for you "on paper." I'm reading what you wrote about him — you might as well as have written it on paper. And what you wrote makes him sound bad for you. If he were good for you, you would not need to ask: "Do I need to morph into a different kind of person to keep this relationship going?"
posted by John Cohen at 8:08 AM on March 1, 2016 [7 favorites]
Ugh, no. Don't try to make yourself be someone you're not. That path leads to resentment and unhappiness. Quickly move on, the longer you spend in this pointless relationship the longer you're putting off the right relationship.
posted by like_neon at 8:09 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by like_neon at 8:09 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
This sounds exhausting. Trust yourself and your ability to know when it's right — right might not look exactly the way you expected it to when you were ten, but you'll know it by the peace and happiness it brings.
posted by you're a kitty! at 8:10 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by you're a kitty! at 8:10 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
This isn't "sparkless but right". It's "wrong and sparkless". He's not an evil person and he shares some of your goals/values/interests in life - but this probably describes about 50% of the population.
Next!
posted by intensitymultiply at 8:12 AM on March 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
Next!
posted by intensitymultiply at 8:12 AM on March 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
Normally I'd say move along but you've only had one awkward kiss. If everything else is as great as you say why don't you give it a bit more just to see. It can't really hurt.
posted by mmascolino at 8:14 AM on March 1, 2016
posted by mmascolino at 8:14 AM on March 1, 2016
Sorry, I think you have to move on. Sometimes kissing or making out can change the chemistry from, "hmm, maybe" to "Holy CRAP!" if it's really good, but if you've already kissed and you just thought it was awkward and uncomfortable, then I think there isn't much hope for this relationship.
posted by colfax at 8:15 AM on March 1, 2016
posted by colfax at 8:15 AM on March 1, 2016
Sometimes putting someone in the "dating" mental bucket causes weirdness. Could you perhaps talk to him and see if he would be willing to hang out more with no expectations that these times are "dates", if that's something you'd be open to?
Getting set up can be weird, and there can be external and internal pressure to create a romantic or sexy dynamic that isn't there initially, but could possibly develop.
posted by Automocar at 8:17 AM on March 1, 2016
Getting set up can be weird, and there can be external and internal pressure to create a romantic or sexy dynamic that isn't there initially, but could possibly develop.
posted by Automocar at 8:17 AM on March 1, 2016
If you were LOOKING to become the more aggressive/assertive partner, and the bit about the missing sense of humor compatibility weren't there, this might make sense for you to pursue, but as-is? Nope.
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:21 AM on March 1, 2016
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:21 AM on March 1, 2016
If the thing you are asking were possible, humanity would look extremely different, there would be almost no literature or music at all, and AskMe would not exist.
(The thing you are asking is not possible.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:27 AM on March 1, 2016
(The thing you are asking is not possible.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:27 AM on March 1, 2016
Response by poster: I just don't want to end up old and alone, having passed up a smart, polite, considerate potential husband because he "wasn't funny".
posted by Guinevere at 8:28 AM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Guinevere at 8:28 AM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
Well while that could happen, what also could happen is you ditch this guy so you can end up in a relationship with someone you can describe more flatteringly than "smart, polite, considerate" and "sparkless."
Hon. I know it is hard and awful, I know. But listen to yourself! I have described baristas at the Starbucks in Target more glowingly than you can describe this dude you're trying to talk yourself into spending the next 50 years with.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:31 AM on March 1, 2016 [28 favorites]
Hon. I know it is hard and awful, I know. But listen to yourself! I have described baristas at the Starbucks in Target more glowingly than you can describe this dude you're trying to talk yourself into spending the next 50 years with.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:31 AM on March 1, 2016 [28 favorites]
Super important point here!
When someone constantly looks to you for direction, they are not "partner material." In an emergency (illness, accident, whatever) they will be literal baggage that you will be carrying. You will not be able to talk things through with them, they won't help you make any decisions in the marriage, and likely they will blame you when one of the decisions they forced you into with their utter limpness goes wrong.
You have known this guy ONE MONTH. He's likely not kind and blah blah blah if he is constantly putting the burdens of moment to moment operating onto you.
Since the unanimous cry is to move on, I just wanted to point out why this particular characteristic you highlighted is such a giant waving red flag for the next time.
posted by jbenben at 8:33 AM on March 1, 2016 [21 favorites]
When someone constantly looks to you for direction, they are not "partner material." In an emergency (illness, accident, whatever) they will be literal baggage that you will be carrying. You will not be able to talk things through with them, they won't help you make any decisions in the marriage, and likely they will blame you when one of the decisions they forced you into with their utter limpness goes wrong.
You have known this guy ONE MONTH. He's likely not kind and blah blah blah if he is constantly putting the burdens of moment to moment operating onto you.
Since the unanimous cry is to move on, I just wanted to point out why this particular characteristic you highlighted is such a giant waving red flag for the next time.
posted by jbenben at 8:33 AM on March 1, 2016 [21 favorites]
I was all set to tell you that, if you liked each other but were each used to being with more sexually assertive people, that's something that can be worked on. Then I read further and saw that you don't even laugh together. This isn't a lack of sparks, it's a lack of rapport. Y'all don't click. It can't be fixed or compensated for.
If you never laugh together, it doesn't mean he isn't a comedian. It means you just don't get each other, on a fundamental level.
Smart and responsible and considerate are not enough, and they aren't so rare that you have to settle.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:35 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you never laugh together, it doesn't mean he isn't a comedian. It means you just don't get each other, on a fundamental level.
Smart and responsible and considerate are not enough, and they aren't so rare that you have to settle.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:35 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
But this is someone you want to spend enjoyable time with. Perhaps for the next 50 years. Really? It's pretty difficult to do that when you have to pull all the weight in your interactions. Being in an LTR relationship with someone who's conversationally dull (due to lack of either skill or interest) will eventually drain you and runs the risk of making you feel iffy about your ability to connect with people.
Some introverted people don't do well as the more introverted partner in their relationships. This is a hard lesson to learn, but it may lead you towards partners with "spark" potential.
posted by blerghamot at 8:36 AM on March 1, 2016
Some introverted people don't do well as the more introverted partner in their relationships. This is a hard lesson to learn, but it may lead you towards partners with "spark" potential.
posted by blerghamot at 8:36 AM on March 1, 2016
I know "old and alone" sounds frightening but, what are you going to be getting out of a husband that's polite but you can't even share a laugh with and you don't even have physical chemistry with? I feel like that's the same feeling as being alone. Probably feels even more alone because you're living with someone you can't even have fun with.
posted by like_neon at 8:41 AM on March 1, 2016 [12 favorites]
posted by like_neon at 8:41 AM on March 1, 2016 [12 favorites]
Oh no. This is where you ask the guy what he was told about you, then you laugh and share the same and the two of you wonder why other people thought you were right for each other and either you both find pitons or you part thinking it wasn't such a waste after all because at least you've learned something about how the people you complain to see you and act upon your complaints and you've had an honest conversation with a stranger.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 8:44 AM on March 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by Mr. Yuck at 8:44 AM on March 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
I just don't want to end up old and alone, having passed up a smart, polite, considerate potential husband because he "wasn't funny".
Do you want to end up old and married to someone really boring who you have no fun with, because "on paper he was a good match"?
posted by EndsOfInvention at 8:47 AM on March 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
Do you want to end up old and married to someone really boring who you have no fun with, because "on paper he was a good match"?
posted by EndsOfInvention at 8:47 AM on March 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
I was going to suggest that maybe he might make good friend material, but it doesn't sound like you have much fun with him. Do you want to date someone you don't want as a friend?
I do, however, like the idea upthread of trying date activity that is completely outside your comfort zone. See if you can have a bonding moment and step outside of your shells.
posted by hydra77 at 8:48 AM on March 1, 2016
I do, however, like the idea upthread of trying date activity that is completely outside your comfort zone. See if you can have a bonding moment and step outside of your shells.
posted by hydra77 at 8:48 AM on March 1, 2016
You should see how he behaves around the friend that set you up. Maybe he's super shy and just hasn't come out of his shell yet. Although after a month, you'd think he would start loosening up a bit if that was the case.
Have you asked him what he thinks is funny? Find out what the last thing to make him laugh really hard is and what kinds of comedies he likes. Maybe that'll give you an indication if he has a humorous side.
posted by ilovewinter at 8:52 AM on March 1, 2016
Have you asked him what he thinks is funny? Find out what the last thing to make him laugh really hard is and what kinds of comedies he likes. Maybe that'll give you an indication if he has a humorous side.
posted by ilovewinter at 8:52 AM on March 1, 2016
I just don't want to end up old and alone, having passed up a smart, polite, considerate potential husband because he "wasn't funny".
Would you rather end up old and alone, having missed out on missing someone you really enjoyed being with because you married this one, and then he bailed when he met someone he had a real connection with?
Or worse, still together and both of you bitter as shit and sick of each other, with kids who tell their friends their parents were "polite, but never seemed to really be into each other."
This is a two-way street, unless you have been granted some sort of magic power that forces whoever you choose to stay with you until you decide he's allowed to leave.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:57 AM on March 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
Would you rather end up old and alone, having missed out on missing someone you really enjoyed being with because you married this one, and then he bailed when he met someone he had a real connection with?
Or worse, still together and both of you bitter as shit and sick of each other, with kids who tell their friends their parents were "polite, but never seemed to really be into each other."
This is a two-way street, unless you have been granted some sort of magic power that forces whoever you choose to stay with you until you decide he's allowed to leave.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:57 AM on March 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
Mod note: One comment deleted. Guinevere, AskMe isn't a space for back-and-forth discussion; you've asked your question, now you can read people's comments and use the answers that are most helpful to you.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 9:04 AM on March 1, 2016
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 9:04 AM on March 1, 2016
a) I could live with but b) is a total turn off. Put the two together and it's not likely it's gonna work.
But give it a shot - set a time limit of 1-2 months and by then you'll know for sure either way.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:06 AM on March 1, 2016
But give it a shot - set a time limit of 1-2 months and by then you'll know for sure either way.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:06 AM on March 1, 2016
Maybe we ALL just want to date extroverts.
I'll rephrase what I said earlier so that it doesn't fall into the introvert/extrovert trap: everyone in a relationship should come to the table with strong enough interpersonal skills to pull their weight. Lots of introverts are capable of that, but ones you would immediately describe as particularly shy, or passive, or deferential, or dull are probably going to have trouble with those skills. Don't be hard on yourself - you don't sound like that at all, largely because you're able to clearly articulate what you want and don't want. Chances are if your guy were asked about the situation with you two, he may not be able to muster a response beyond "I dunno?" Happiness doesn't come in the shape of an "I dunno" guy.
It sounds like maybe your guy has fun with your friend because they're just friends. It's possible that he can't function all that well when there's romantic pressure. Whether you, at 30, want to deal with the implications of entering an LTR with someone who clams up this hard in a dating setting raises another set of questions. Can you trust him to deal with conflict appropriately? Can you trust him to be honest about his desires? The answers to these questions will become more clear with time, but if you're several dates in and you're still iffy about him, there's your answer.
posted by blerghamot at 9:09 AM on March 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'll rephrase what I said earlier so that it doesn't fall into the introvert/extrovert trap: everyone in a relationship should come to the table with strong enough interpersonal skills to pull their weight. Lots of introverts are capable of that, but ones you would immediately describe as particularly shy, or passive, or deferential, or dull are probably going to have trouble with those skills. Don't be hard on yourself - you don't sound like that at all, largely because you're able to clearly articulate what you want and don't want. Chances are if your guy were asked about the situation with you two, he may not be able to muster a response beyond "I dunno?" Happiness doesn't come in the shape of an "I dunno" guy.
It sounds like maybe your guy has fun with your friend because they're just friends. It's possible that he can't function all that well when there's romantic pressure. Whether you, at 30, want to deal with the implications of entering an LTR with someone who clams up this hard in a dating setting raises another set of questions. Can you trust him to deal with conflict appropriately? Can you trust him to be honest about his desires? The answers to these questions will become more clear with time, but if you're several dates in and you're still iffy about him, there's your answer.
posted by blerghamot at 9:09 AM on March 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
Sparks can come a bit later. I've had that happen. I don't think you need to write him off right away, but I would focus on the humor part. I like the idea of going to a comedy show/movie together. Some people are funny, but it comes out slowly. I think another few dates could really solidify your yes or no.
(Also, sounds like both of you need to get a bit more assertive. Passive is also lazy, not wanting to be responsible, not being emotionally engaged, passing the buck on emotional labor (yes, I said it). I'm introverted and know when I'm using it as a safety crutch.)
posted by Vaike at 9:10 AM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
(Also, sounds like both of you need to get a bit more assertive. Passive is also lazy, not wanting to be responsible, not being emotionally engaged, passing the buck on emotional labor (yes, I said it). I'm introverted and know when I'm using it as a safety crutch.)
posted by Vaike at 9:10 AM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
The thing for me is, a month can be nothing or it can be a lifetime. How many times have you been together at this point? Is this 3 times getting together and still no sparks, or a dozen?
If you're both shy and haven't spent much time together, I'd say give it a bit longer. Find an activity to do together that puts both of you outside your comfort zone. Ideally the kind of thing both of you really can't see yourselves doing. Nothing forms a bond between two people like hating something together. It can bring out humor and show what someone is like when exasperated. And yeah, sometimes sparks.
Lots of people are great on paper - it's not him or no one, and I agree with the others who say you can't create sparks if they're just not there. But if you like a lot about him and he does about you, then putting another month of your life against seeing where things go isn't the worst thing you can do.
posted by Mchelly at 9:17 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you're both shy and haven't spent much time together, I'd say give it a bit longer. Find an activity to do together that puts both of you outside your comfort zone. Ideally the kind of thing both of you really can't see yourselves doing. Nothing forms a bond between two people like hating something together. It can bring out humor and show what someone is like when exasperated. And yeah, sometimes sparks.
Lots of people are great on paper - it's not him or no one, and I agree with the others who say you can't create sparks if they're just not there. But if you like a lot about him and he does about you, then putting another month of your life against seeing where things go isn't the worst thing you can do.
posted by Mchelly at 9:17 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Look, it would be one thing if you had said, "I'm dating this guy; I really like him and we have a good time when we go out together, but I just don't feel a spark yet," then I might agree that you should give it another month or so. But you actually said, "we don't have fun together." So I'm having trouble understanding why you're even considering staying with this guy, and in fact, even why you maintain that he's "perfect for you on paper." What's the perfect part, exactly?
And marrying him? Frankly, this doesn't sound like anyone you'd even want to be friends with. The way you describe him sounds more like a colleague you don't mind having lunch with or something like that.
posted by holborne at 9:20 AM on March 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
And marrying him? Frankly, this doesn't sound like anyone you'd even want to be friends with. The way you describe him sounds more like a colleague you don't mind having lunch with or something like that.
posted by holborne at 9:20 AM on March 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
Sounds a bit to me like this is your first time consciously dating for "husband-and-father" qualities -- can't otherwise see you listing "polite" as a notably positive quality. You will find out what this guy finds funny and fun, sure enough, but I doubt that you'll ever change his passivity. That's really bred in the bone, and there are plenty of women who are very happy to take the reigns of guys like that ... let him go to find his bliss (and you yours!)
posted by MattD at 9:22 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by MattD at 9:22 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
One kiss in a month of dating and no sparks and you're already evaluating this one for marriage and children? That sounds a bit like trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole out of desperation. I am all for not dismissing a guy too soon to give time to see if the connection grows, but this sounds like a bad match with a good man.
While it probably feels like you're running short on time to find a husband and have children, staying single is far better than living in a loveless, laughless, bad match of a marriage.
posted by cecic at 9:31 AM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
While it probably feels like you're running short on time to find a husband and have children, staying single is far better than living in a loveless, laughless, bad match of a marriage.
posted by cecic at 9:31 AM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
I just don't want to end up old and alone, having passed up a smart, polite, considerate potential husband because he "wasn't funny".
Worst reason ever to continue to date someone.
If you're not attracted to him, there's pretty much no way to fix that. No spark, no connection...it won't get better.
Never settle You get what you settle for.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:37 AM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
Worst reason ever to continue to date someone.
If you're not attracted to him, there's pretty much no way to fix that. No spark, no connection...it won't get better.
Never settle You get what you settle for.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:37 AM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
I just don't want to end up old and alone, having passed up a smart, polite, considerate potential husband because he "wasn't funny".
Even worse would be to marry someone with whom you had no fun and felt no sparks and spend the rest of your life wondering if you could have done better.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:39 AM on March 1, 2016
Even worse would be to marry someone with whom you had no fun and felt no sparks and spend the rest of your life wondering if you could have done better.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:39 AM on March 1, 2016
It's only been a month - I think people are too quick to tell you you're signing yourself up for a life of mirthless misery.
In my experience introverts sometimes take a bit longer to open up, especially if they are used to a more extroverted partner who does the opening up for them.
I would try more activity oriented dates, like trivia or board games, and let the thing breathe a little. A month is early, he might just not be opening yet.
posted by zutalors! at 9:39 AM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
In my experience introverts sometimes take a bit longer to open up, especially if they are used to a more extroverted partner who does the opening up for them.
I would try more activity oriented dates, like trivia or board games, and let the thing breathe a little. A month is early, he might just not be opening yet.
posted by zutalors! at 9:39 AM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'll not pile on with the overwhelming 'your question isn't valid' milieu. The activity date idea above is good! Also consider including some alcohol? Don't drink yourself into thinking this guy is the one but as someone similar to this guy I will say, a glass or two of wine goes a long way towards being a little more open about banter and flirtation, letting me actually show the engaged, sexually attracted, humorous spouse I am. As for all this business about ignoring 'the paper' there is nothing wrong with wanting a stable, respectful relationship that will be good for raising children. Hell, as long as you're both on the same page there is nothing that says you can't marry him and start a family while you both get your sexual needs filled elsewhere.
posted by deadwater at 9:49 AM on March 1, 2016
posted by deadwater at 9:49 AM on March 1, 2016
No sparks is one thing, but you don't even have fun? Geez. What kind of a life would that be?
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:53 AM on March 1, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:53 AM on March 1, 2016 [7 favorites]
In October I broke up with someone I spent 3 years trying to make laugh, to no avail. The upshot is that I no longer consider myself an introvert.
I'm a bit older than you, and now that this has happened a few times I'm starting to realize that "looks good on paper" is a euphemism for "I'm ignoring red flags."
posted by rhizome at 10:00 AM on March 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'm a bit older than you, and now that this has happened a few times I'm starting to realize that "looks good on paper" is a euphemism for "I'm ignoring red flags."
posted by rhizome at 10:00 AM on March 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
I am in a relationship with someone that at the start did not look good on paper nor did I have any romantic sparks with. They grew over time, we were however friends. We had similar interests, he made me laugh. I think these things are important & something that can take time to develop, a lot of humor comes from shared stories & reference points.
My husband has for the first 12 years relationship as friends & how husband & wife always looked to me to be the lead, that's just how he is. If he cares enough to voice an opinion on what we do we usually do it, but he is a really easy going, go with the flow, drive you crazy because he won't make a decision kind of person.
This weekend I had 2 seizures, I have never had a seizure in my life. I was confused, terrified & for part of the time unconscious. I scared the shit out of a bunch of friends we were with at the time, & every single one of them that came to the hospital to visit me how he stepped up & handled things so calmly they were surprised as it wasn't "like him". Just because a guy is easy going & deferential doesn't' care where you go for dinner or what movie you see, doesn't mean they aren't going to step up & be there when you need them to.
posted by wwax at 10:04 AM on March 1, 2016 [10 favorites]
My husband has for the first 12 years relationship as friends & how husband & wife always looked to me to be the lead, that's just how he is. If he cares enough to voice an opinion on what we do we usually do it, but he is a really easy going, go with the flow, drive you crazy because he won't make a decision kind of person.
This weekend I had 2 seizures, I have never had a seizure in my life. I was confused, terrified & for part of the time unconscious. I scared the shit out of a bunch of friends we were with at the time, & every single one of them that came to the hospital to visit me how he stepped up & handled things so calmly they were surprised as it wasn't "like him". Just because a guy is easy going & deferential doesn't' care where you go for dinner or what movie you see, doesn't mean they aren't going to step up & be there when you need them to.
posted by wwax at 10:04 AM on March 1, 2016 [10 favorites]
It might be too early to give up on it. You've been seeing him for a month, but how much time have you actually spent together? I have a very introverted friend who decided to give a guy one more chance - that's when he finally opened up and sparks flew - and they've been happily married for more than ten years. If you're both shy, it may take a bit of time to connect. Definitely don't marry someone because he seems good on paper, but I would give it another few dates before deciding he's not right for you.
posted by FencingGal at 10:07 AM on March 1, 2016
posted by FencingGal at 10:07 AM on March 1, 2016
b) he's even more introverted than I am and sort of defers to me / looks to me for direction CONSTANTLY.
Kiss of death. I know a lot of women who find that terribly unattractive. I don't think you can save it. It would cause the end of the relationship over time.
I would look with someone with that first and looks second.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:10 AM on March 1, 2016
Kiss of death. I know a lot of women who find that terribly unattractive. I don't think you can save it. It would cause the end of the relationship over time.
I would look with someone with that first and looks second.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:10 AM on March 1, 2016
Is he very inexperienced? Depressed? Are you positive he's actually into you? Would he describe you as perfect on paper?
I'm not going to berate you for wanting this to work. I think people are overreacting just a tad.
You might just have to lead the horse to water. Watch a movie at his/your place. Make it the funniest movie you can find. Scootch over on the couch near him. (Pretend you're cold. Whatever.) See if snuggling ensues and he's at all able to reciprocate.
posted by quincunx at 11:12 AM on March 1, 2016
I'm not going to berate you for wanting this to work. I think people are overreacting just a tad.
You might just have to lead the horse to water. Watch a movie at his/your place. Make it the funniest movie you can find. Scootch over on the couch near him. (Pretend you're cold. Whatever.) See if snuggling ensues and he's at all able to reciprocate.
posted by quincunx at 11:12 AM on March 1, 2016
He's afraid. That explains both the lack of humor - humor is often playing with stuff that's otherwise scary - and the lack of spine.
Are you unafraid enough yourself to say so? To say, "I think I like you, but it's like you're afraid of me or something. Could we reset, and you say what you're thinking, say what you'd like, make jokes even if you're afraid they'll offend me?"
You might find out that he's funny and great, once he loosens up.
Or you might find out that he's an asshole, and it's only his fear that makes him do kind, polite and considerate things.
posted by clawsoon at 11:12 AM on March 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
Are you unafraid enough yourself to say so? To say, "I think I like you, but it's like you're afraid of me or something. Could we reset, and you say what you're thinking, say what you'd like, make jokes even if you're afraid they'll offend me?"
You might find out that he's funny and great, once he loosens up.
Or you might find out that he's an asshole, and it's only his fear that makes him do kind, polite and considerate things.
posted by clawsoon at 11:12 AM on March 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
I agree with everyone who says having fun together is essential in a relationship. This is not about the introversion. My boyfriend and I are both introverts. We also make each other laugh so hard that tears spurt from our eyes. And neither of us are passive. In fact, as introverts we have to be assertive to get our needs for alone time met. Don't settle for someone you're not really into. It is truly better to be alone, old or not. Plus, "old" isn't what it used to be. People are staying youthful a lot longer and finding partners later in life. I know fertility doesn't last forever, but it's not as hard to have babies in your late 30s-midforties as the media would have us believe. Don't settle!
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 11:44 AM on March 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 11:44 AM on March 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
Move on. I dated a ton in my early-mid 30s and met a few men who made me stop and go, "Wow, he is GREAT." And I could list a dozen reasons why. Those "sparks" weren't there, though, and did not develop over a few months. These guys all made me laugh, though, even if our senses of humor weren't totally in sync.
But no sparks AND no laughing together? Seems like a real drag. And potentially very lonely. Plus, you mentioned that he looks to you for direction all the time? That sounds really tiring. Does not sound like a recipe for an equal partnership.
posted by medeine at 1:03 PM on March 1, 2016
But no sparks AND no laughing together? Seems like a real drag. And potentially very lonely. Plus, you mentioned that he looks to you for direction all the time? That sounds really tiring. Does not sound like a recipe for an equal partnership.
posted by medeine at 1:03 PM on March 1, 2016
I just don't want to end up old and alone, having passed up a smart, polite, considerate potential husband because he "wasn't funny".
If you have a very realistic/limited expectation of what marriage should be like, you could potentially get past "not funny" by sharing humorous moments with other friends and family instead. But "sort of defers to me / looks to me for direction CONSTANTLY" is the least attractive quality a man can have IMHO. No wonder you're not attracted to him! There's no way to get past that. And it's not about him (or you) being introverted. Seriously, I'm almost a decade older than you and therefore should be that much more desperate to marry anyone at all, but indecisive and directionless and depending on me for everything? I'd pick alone forever any day.
I vaguely recall reading about studies that indicate sparks can happen when two people are placed in a mildly frightening situation together. So maybe go on some high-adrenaline physically challenging date? But I think those studies were about strangers, not people who have already established that they're kinda "blah" together.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 1:26 PM on March 1, 2016
If you have a very realistic/limited expectation of what marriage should be like, you could potentially get past "not funny" by sharing humorous moments with other friends and family instead. But "sort of defers to me / looks to me for direction CONSTANTLY" is the least attractive quality a man can have IMHO. No wonder you're not attracted to him! There's no way to get past that. And it's not about him (or you) being introverted. Seriously, I'm almost a decade older than you and therefore should be that much more desperate to marry anyone at all, but indecisive and directionless and depending on me for everything? I'd pick alone forever any day.
I vaguely recall reading about studies that indicate sparks can happen when two people are placed in a mildly frightening situation together. So maybe go on some high-adrenaline physically challenging date? But I think those studies were about strangers, not people who have already established that they're kinda "blah" together.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 1:26 PM on March 1, 2016
I am going to disagree with the crowd here - I don't actually think this is necessarily hopeless, or at least not yet.
I think, given your description, that there's a pretty good chance both the hesitancy and the lack of humor are coming from anxiety and being unsure about the situation. Some people take a really long time to warm up to people, and he may just be one of those people. Try a couple of really fun lighthearted dates and see if he loosens up a little. If that works and he seems more comfortable, tell him that him deferring to you all the time isn't sexy and see what he says.
If you try this and things still aren't improving, yeah let him go. But it really sounds more like social anxiety than personality to me.
posted by zug at 1:56 PM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think, given your description, that there's a pretty good chance both the hesitancy and the lack of humor are coming from anxiety and being unsure about the situation. Some people take a really long time to warm up to people, and he may just be one of those people. Try a couple of really fun lighthearted dates and see if he loosens up a little. If that works and he seems more comfortable, tell him that him deferring to you all the time isn't sexy and see what he says.
If you try this and things still aren't improving, yeah let him go. But it really sounds more like social anxiety than personality to me.
posted by zug at 1:56 PM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
One random phrase from a book by a marriage counselor that has stuck in my head: "I have yet to meet a couple who was ready to divorce or having significant problems because one was not witty enough..."
posted by clawsoon at 2:08 PM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by clawsoon at 2:08 PM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
I guess what it boils down to for you is which is worse: possibly ending up alone because you didn't settle for a guy who was less interesting than a random barista, or ending up with this guy who sounds boring.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:47 PM on March 1, 2016
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:47 PM on March 1, 2016
BTW, I mostly remember that quote because I'm a boring guy and I hope it's true. Your mileage may vary.
posted by clawsoon at 3:12 PM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by clawsoon at 3:12 PM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you already feel the need to change yourself in order to make the relationship work because you're scared of being alone and want to settle for someone who you don't even have fun with.... that sounds like a recipe for an unhappy disaster on your end. You don't describe anything about this guy that makes that kind of pain (and it would be painful to force yourself to be a different person all the time) worthwhile.
I once tried to date a friend of mine who was lovely in so many ways but we just did not click. Our senses of humour missed, we set off each other's insecurities, we didn't enjoy the same things, we had fun but it didn't come easily, downtime together was a problem not an enjoyment, etc. We both really wanted to make it work because a) we were friends, b) we both thought the other was good enough (neither scary nor abusive), and c) because we felt it should be good enough and there was something wrong with us for not being satisfied with that. 4 years later, I am so so glad we called it quits at a month. I would have been miserable. They would have been miserable. Our friends would have seen us being miserable and making each other miserable and it would have been really frustrating and embarrassing and confusing.
You deserve a relationship that you are excited about. You deserve a relationship that you are not convincing yourself to stay in. You deserve a relationship that makes you happy, that brings you joy, that makes you laugh, and that bolsters you on shitty days. It sounds like this relationship does not give you that and settling will only make you miserable. It sucks, it's disappointing, but don't try to force something that sounds so incredibly blah. Future!you will thank you for moving on from this one.
posted by buteo at 3:46 PM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
I once tried to date a friend of mine who was lovely in so many ways but we just did not click. Our senses of humour missed, we set off each other's insecurities, we didn't enjoy the same things, we had fun but it didn't come easily, downtime together was a problem not an enjoyment, etc. We both really wanted to make it work because a) we were friends, b) we both thought the other was good enough (neither scary nor abusive), and c) because we felt it should be good enough and there was something wrong with us for not being satisfied with that. 4 years later, I am so so glad we called it quits at a month. I would have been miserable. They would have been miserable. Our friends would have seen us being miserable and making each other miserable and it would have been really frustrating and embarrassing and confusing.
You deserve a relationship that you are excited about. You deserve a relationship that you are not convincing yourself to stay in. You deserve a relationship that makes you happy, that brings you joy, that makes you laugh, and that bolsters you on shitty days. It sounds like this relationship does not give you that and settling will only make you miserable. It sucks, it's disappointing, but don't try to force something that sounds so incredibly blah. Future!you will thank you for moving on from this one.
posted by buteo at 3:46 PM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Have you met his family yet? You might see what kind of relationship he has with them, and what his parents and siblings are like.
And I strongly encourage you to reread jbenben's comment above. Living with a partner who puts the burden of decisions and emotional well being on you will suck the soul right out of you.
posted by LaBellaStella at 3:47 PM on March 1, 2016
And I strongly encourage you to reread jbenben's comment above. Living with a partner who puts the burden of decisions and emotional well being on you will suck the soul right out of you.
posted by LaBellaStella at 3:47 PM on March 1, 2016
I totally get where you are coming from. I really do, but you're trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole. It's not going to fit no matter how much you try to make it fit.
Why not try to transition to a friendship? Keep him in your life and maybe one day things will change and you can try dating again. You have lots of common interests. Maybe he'd hit it off with one of your friends or you with one of his friends. He sounds like he'd make a great friend and might expand both of your social circles to meet like minded people who you do have chemistry with.
posted by whoaali at 3:59 PM on March 1, 2016
Why not try to transition to a friendship? Keep him in your life and maybe one day things will change and you can try dating again. You have lots of common interests. Maybe he'd hit it off with one of your friends or you with one of his friends. He sounds like he'd make a great friend and might expand both of your social circles to meet like minded people who you do have chemistry with.
posted by whoaali at 3:59 PM on March 1, 2016
OK here is a slightly arbitrarily bossy answer for you to either agree with or push back against- here is what I'd do if I was playing the odds and wanting to have kids:
If you're under 27, move on.
If you're between 28-34, try to spice it up for 2 months, but if it doesn't get spicy, move on.
If you're over 35 and want kids, suck it up and try to make it work.
Some strategies:
What if you experimentally tried to spice up your sex life? Tell him all your fantasies. Nudge him for his. If you're considering breaking up anyway, you may as well risk rejection/embarrassment and go for broke in bed. Try things you've always been curious about.
What if you tried hard to cultivate humour? Make inside jokes. Laugh at his jokes to encourage him. Hang out with funny people. Take an improv class together.
Cultivate silliness and physicality- go dancing at a retro music night, play sports, do prancercize at home. Give massages. Learn to twerk. Try couples' yoga. Use recreational substances to loosen inhibition if you roll that way. Make sure you're accepting and welcoming (ie laugh and try to deepen connection) when he makes any kind of joke or "emotional bid".
Babysit together. Kids are funny and might help with the humour/laughing. Plus, if you love how he is with kids, a lot of other things can be forgiven- it's not like exhausted parents are really feelin the spark when a toddler barfs in their bed.
If this feels like bad advice, by all means don't take it though- don't marry someone you don't like. But I think it's ok to marry someone who's not the best lover or the funniest comedian- so much of a marriage is about doing work together and being comfortable together, so that is probably the most important.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:52 PM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
If you're under 27, move on.
If you're between 28-34, try to spice it up for 2 months, but if it doesn't get spicy, move on.
If you're over 35 and want kids, suck it up and try to make it work.
Some strategies:
What if you experimentally tried to spice up your sex life? Tell him all your fantasies. Nudge him for his. If you're considering breaking up anyway, you may as well risk rejection/embarrassment and go for broke in bed. Try things you've always been curious about.
What if you tried hard to cultivate humour? Make inside jokes. Laugh at his jokes to encourage him. Hang out with funny people. Take an improv class together.
Cultivate silliness and physicality- go dancing at a retro music night, play sports, do prancercize at home. Give massages. Learn to twerk. Try couples' yoga. Use recreational substances to loosen inhibition if you roll that way. Make sure you're accepting and welcoming (ie laugh and try to deepen connection) when he makes any kind of joke or "emotional bid".
Babysit together. Kids are funny and might help with the humour/laughing. Plus, if you love how he is with kids, a lot of other things can be forgiven- it's not like exhausted parents are really feelin the spark when a toddler barfs in their bed.
If this feels like bad advice, by all means don't take it though- don't marry someone you don't like. But I think it's ok to marry someone who's not the best lover or the funniest comedian- so much of a marriage is about doing work together and being comfortable together, so that is probably the most important.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:52 PM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
OK here is a slightly arbitrarily bossy answer for you to either agree with or push back against- here is what I'd do if I was playing the odds and wanting to have kids:
If you're under 27, move on.
If you're between 28-34, try to spice it up for 2 months, but if it doesn't get spicy, move on.
If you're over 35 and want kids, suck it up and try to make it work.
This is extremely arbitrary - regardless of age, if you're concerned about fertility visit a specialist.
posted by zutalors! at 6:08 PM on March 1, 2016
It's not so much the age of your fertility so much as the terrible selection.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:24 PM on March 1, 2016
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:24 PM on March 1, 2016
Best answer: I (at first) didn't have sparks with my now fiance. For me, it was because I wasn't in the right head-space-- I was mooning over a friend that I'd gone there to meet, and met him by association. I knew my now-fiance had a crush on me, but I was sure I just didn't see him that way, and probably never would date him. I was pretty numb, and I had a different impression of him than I do now. He asked me out and I told him as such how I felt, never expecting 'sparks' to develop. I was wrong. But it was different to your situation. He was funny and cute and we had fun together. We had good, intelligent conversations that flowed naturally. We're both on the introverted side, but not enough that we're passive together. It feels very 50/50. I just didn't see him that way at first, and when he flirted I was a bit hesitant. He also came across as a bit shy, and awkward, but when things started romantically escalating I realized that he wasn't that shy at all, and we had good sexual chemistry. This when things flipped for me into a romantic context, I suppose, and I felt the sparks.
So, I mean, it may be too early to tell. It took about two months of dating for me. Also, I don't think it's fair you put 100% of the onus on him for flirting and being more sexually aggressive. Flirting is a game of escalation and it's a two way street. No one is going to start blatantly taking charge romantically when they're not sure about the signals they're getting being reciprocal or not. If he's not taking your flirting cues at all, that's one thing, but don't begrudge him for not taking the lead if you're not giving any signal you're attracted to him either. It'd be madness for him to throw himself at you in that instance, and kind of unwanted and creepy. Besides, guys want to feel desired and lusted after too. And yeah, maybe after doing all that he still won't be as sexually aggressive as you may like, and it'll be awkward and you may be incompatible. But maybe not. For me, while my fiance had asked to kiss me early on, he was a but unsure what I wanted back because I wasn't feeling it yet. It was only when I started upping the ante with my flirting that he got the green light to be bold back, and we had very intense chemistry after this. So even if it doesn't work that way with this guy, I hope you drop the notion you need someone to make all the moves all the time.
But I think certain things are important for sparks to even develop; you need to have fun with him. You need to respect him. You need to like being around him in a non-romantic context. If he wasn't your date, would you want him as a friend? Because I was sure I wanted Mr. Future-Dimes as a friend, no matter what. I could tell he was a great person and I enjoyed my time with him very much. I don't feel that level of enthusiasm from your post. If I'm wrong, I would definitely give him another chance, because yes, sparks can develop.
But it instead feels like you're here because you're scared about the future and has the right traits on paper and ticks the boxes-- but he doesn't tick ALL the boxes, he just ticks most of them. If he ticked ALL the boxes, then you wouldn't be asking this question. Moreover, that's a terrible reason to pick someone. Imagine if a work place picked someone who was completely the wrong fit for the company, and lacked a fundamental quality for the job-- only because they're the only applicant? It's a recipe for disaster. They'd be an awful fit and not be able to do the job. You wouldn't trust a job to an obvious wrongly suited applicant, so why would you trust the rest of your life with one?
Look, I know what it feels like to have the clock ticking and feel like you're out of options or this is your last chance, etc. It's fucking scary. There's so much pressure on women to get married and have kids. There's an argument to be said, for just picking someone decent, and so be it, rather then searching for that elusive spark and maybe not ever finding it. And yeah, Hollywood love lies to you, too. The Hollywood romance doesn't really exist, moreover, a spark doesn't last for prolonged periods of time, anyway. So in a practical sense? Why not?
Because it sucks, that's why. Because it's boring. Because the sex will be terrible, then dry up. Because your kids will become your life, probably, because you won't have any deep connection to your spouse. Because it's eventually like living with a roommate, or a sibling, because it puts a grey cast on life-- because you'll always look longingly at other couples, other people, and wish you had a partner who made you laugh and got butterflies for occasionally. Because having your needs met is important. Because that's the whole point of having a partner, really. Someone who suits and compliments you, and vice versa. And maybe this guy is perfectly decent and not a bad dude, I'm sure. But forever? You'll just be unbearably unhappy. You know how I know? I can tell by your question you're sort of unhappy already.
Lastly, even if you do move forward and make a life with Mr Not-Terrible, there's no guarantees it'll work. There's no guarantee you won't just get divorced in future before you start a family, or after. What if he decides it isn't right for him, either? It's not like just picking someone automatically means forever. And then what? You'll be worse off than now.
But you may not meet someone 'better', no. Finding someone compatible can be difficult. And that if you walk away that's a risk. And perhaps you're not the kind of person that can do that or can be alone. Perhaps you're really worried about not being able to start a family. That's fair enough, you know? Don't feel bad. If you just can't stomach being alone, then perhaps this is the best course of action.
But for me, I'd rather be single forever than be in a stagnant relationship where my needs aren't met, where I'm not turned on, and I can't even laugh with the person. Those things don't magically get better. And I know it's easy for me to say since I have someone I'm compatible with now, but just prior to meeting my fiance, I thought I wouldn't find anyone decent. I was disheartened. I met a guy who seemed perfect-- was maybe the most conventional guy I dated-- but had these fundamental incompatibilities with me, and it's not that I was especially picky. But he didn't make me laugh, nor I him (very important to me, actually) or he didn't really 'get' me, and he was slightly opinionated and boring. I looked at the future with this person and I felt... real dread. And yet my friends pushed me towards this, and my mother loved the idea of him and was already planning our wedding. I was torn. I felt really subconsciously pressured. So I thought long and hard about continuing dating him and ultimately decided I'd rather have been alone. I'd rather not have kids, or be a single mom through adoption or insemination, than have them with the wrong person, I'd rather be free and travel and be awesome and learn things and become a kick-ass old lady, than become someone miserable and tied down to Mr. Good Enough. I welcomed the opportunity to meet a companion later in life, beyond 40. I realized it wasn't the end. It was tough to make that decision to be happy single but ultimately, I looked forward and was actually excited about that future.
Of course, in the end I did meet someone. And it worked out for me, and we're compatible. But I think being ok with the alternative of being single really helped me.
Also it's not a decision to be 'alone' -- I wasn't alone and neither are you. You have friends, I presume, and family and colleagues and people who care about you. It was a decision to be single, which is wholly different. Don't conflate being single with being alone.
But you're not me, and perhaps that future isn't enough for you. But I wouldn't settle just yet.
Best of luck.
posted by Dimes at 3:02 AM on March 2, 2016 [13 favorites]
So, I mean, it may be too early to tell. It took about two months of dating for me. Also, I don't think it's fair you put 100% of the onus on him for flirting and being more sexually aggressive. Flirting is a game of escalation and it's a two way street. No one is going to start blatantly taking charge romantically when they're not sure about the signals they're getting being reciprocal or not. If he's not taking your flirting cues at all, that's one thing, but don't begrudge him for not taking the lead if you're not giving any signal you're attracted to him either. It'd be madness for him to throw himself at you in that instance, and kind of unwanted and creepy. Besides, guys want to feel desired and lusted after too. And yeah, maybe after doing all that he still won't be as sexually aggressive as you may like, and it'll be awkward and you may be incompatible. But maybe not. For me, while my fiance had asked to kiss me early on, he was a but unsure what I wanted back because I wasn't feeling it yet. It was only when I started upping the ante with my flirting that he got the green light to be bold back, and we had very intense chemistry after this. So even if it doesn't work that way with this guy, I hope you drop the notion you need someone to make all the moves all the time.
But I think certain things are important for sparks to even develop; you need to have fun with him. You need to respect him. You need to like being around him in a non-romantic context. If he wasn't your date, would you want him as a friend? Because I was sure I wanted Mr. Future-Dimes as a friend, no matter what. I could tell he was a great person and I enjoyed my time with him very much. I don't feel that level of enthusiasm from your post. If I'm wrong, I would definitely give him another chance, because yes, sparks can develop.
But it instead feels like you're here because you're scared about the future and has the right traits on paper and ticks the boxes-- but he doesn't tick ALL the boxes, he just ticks most of them. If he ticked ALL the boxes, then you wouldn't be asking this question. Moreover, that's a terrible reason to pick someone. Imagine if a work place picked someone who was completely the wrong fit for the company, and lacked a fundamental quality for the job-- only because they're the only applicant? It's a recipe for disaster. They'd be an awful fit and not be able to do the job. You wouldn't trust a job to an obvious wrongly suited applicant, so why would you trust the rest of your life with one?
Look, I know what it feels like to have the clock ticking and feel like you're out of options or this is your last chance, etc. It's fucking scary. There's so much pressure on women to get married and have kids. There's an argument to be said, for just picking someone decent, and so be it, rather then searching for that elusive spark and maybe not ever finding it. And yeah, Hollywood love lies to you, too. The Hollywood romance doesn't really exist, moreover, a spark doesn't last for prolonged periods of time, anyway. So in a practical sense? Why not?
Because it sucks, that's why. Because it's boring. Because the sex will be terrible, then dry up. Because your kids will become your life, probably, because you won't have any deep connection to your spouse. Because it's eventually like living with a roommate, or a sibling, because it puts a grey cast on life-- because you'll always look longingly at other couples, other people, and wish you had a partner who made you laugh and got butterflies for occasionally. Because having your needs met is important. Because that's the whole point of having a partner, really. Someone who suits and compliments you, and vice versa. And maybe this guy is perfectly decent and not a bad dude, I'm sure. But forever? You'll just be unbearably unhappy. You know how I know? I can tell by your question you're sort of unhappy already.
Lastly, even if you do move forward and make a life with Mr Not-Terrible, there's no guarantees it'll work. There's no guarantee you won't just get divorced in future before you start a family, or after. What if he decides it isn't right for him, either? It's not like just picking someone automatically means forever. And then what? You'll be worse off than now.
But you may not meet someone 'better', no. Finding someone compatible can be difficult. And that if you walk away that's a risk. And perhaps you're not the kind of person that can do that or can be alone. Perhaps you're really worried about not being able to start a family. That's fair enough, you know? Don't feel bad. If you just can't stomach being alone, then perhaps this is the best course of action.
But for me, I'd rather be single forever than be in a stagnant relationship where my needs aren't met, where I'm not turned on, and I can't even laugh with the person. Those things don't magically get better. And I know it's easy for me to say since I have someone I'm compatible with now, but just prior to meeting my fiance, I thought I wouldn't find anyone decent. I was disheartened. I met a guy who seemed perfect-- was maybe the most conventional guy I dated-- but had these fundamental incompatibilities with me, and it's not that I was especially picky. But he didn't make me laugh, nor I him (very important to me, actually) or he didn't really 'get' me, and he was slightly opinionated and boring. I looked at the future with this person and I felt... real dread. And yet my friends pushed me towards this, and my mother loved the idea of him and was already planning our wedding. I was torn. I felt really subconsciously pressured. So I thought long and hard about continuing dating him and ultimately decided I'd rather have been alone. I'd rather not have kids, or be a single mom through adoption or insemination, than have them with the wrong person, I'd rather be free and travel and be awesome and learn things and become a kick-ass old lady, than become someone miserable and tied down to Mr. Good Enough. I welcomed the opportunity to meet a companion later in life, beyond 40. I realized it wasn't the end. It was tough to make that decision to be happy single but ultimately, I looked forward and was actually excited about that future.
Of course, in the end I did meet someone. And it worked out for me, and we're compatible. But I think being ok with the alternative of being single really helped me.
Also it's not a decision to be 'alone' -- I wasn't alone and neither are you. You have friends, I presume, and family and colleagues and people who care about you. It was a decision to be single, which is wholly different. Don't conflate being single with being alone.
But you're not me, and perhaps that future isn't enough for you. But I wouldn't settle just yet.
Best of luck.
posted by Dimes at 3:02 AM on March 2, 2016 [13 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by holborne at 7:51 AM on March 1, 2016 [59 favorites]