Which social obligation to attend?

January 9, 2016 11:02 AM

I'm torn between conflicting events on the same night and am not sure which of two events to attend and which to cancel. Since there will be drinking at either (and I can't afford a cab or get a DD on short notice) I feel I must pick one or the other. Special snowflake details inside.

I'm torn between conflicting events on the same night. The first is a retirement party for some relatives who I wouldn't describe as close. However, I have a toxic NPD mother who hoovers me into her family's social events despite the fact that they've only ever mostly seemed ambivalent towards me outside of their own events; they never call or contact me to get in touch outside of occasional family obligations/gatherings. And even then, I didn't receive my own invitation (I'm mid-30s and no longer live with my parents) -- hence partially why I forgot about the event.

Since I completely forgot about this event, I accepted a first date with someone I haven't met in person yet, but who has consistently shown interest in me on a dating app over the past few months, wishing me holiday greetings at Halloween, Thanksgiving, and the holidays -- which is more than I can say for these relatives, who never contact me.

I feel family guilt leaning me towards cancelling my first date and attending the extended family function, possibly turning the guy off and disappointing him. If I go that route, there is a 50/50 chance that the family event will be fun and worthwhile for me versus unpleasant, regrettable, and causing me resentment (due to my immediate family attending, not my extended relatives who are pleasant but neutral/disinterested). If I don't go, it will just give my toxic immediate family fodder to talk about how selfish I am, and paint me in a bad light to other attendees. I've wanted to have a relationship with those extended relatives in the past, but as time marches on, I'm still single, not getting any younger, and am starting to doubt the likelihood of having any deeper relationship with these extended relatives that isn't purely obligatory / one-sided where my mother guilts me into attending their family functions but I otherwise never see/hear from them on a personal basis.

If I cancel on the guy, there is a good chance he'd be willing to reschedule a different day based on the fact that he's patient and seemingly interested, but that just makes me want to cancel on him even less.

To complicate matters, there might be a time in the future where I'll want these extended family members to attend my social events, but there's no guarantee of that based on whether I attend the retirement party or don't.

posted by MeFiMouse to Human Relations (40 answers total)

Why not bring him with you to said extended family event? Or have him pick you up from there?
posted by Marinara at 11:06 AM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]

It sounds like you're saying you'd go to the family event if you hadn't scheduled a date, and I'm wondering why you're even considering it. Your toxic mother is going to be there, and also those family members don't mean much to you. Meanwhile, you actually do want to go on the date with the new acquaintance.

But apart from that -- you really don't have a conflict. You could go to one for a while and avoid alcohol, and then go to the other. Or you could reschedule with the guy, though I can see why you'd rather not. I suspect your feelings of family obligation are making it seem like the retirement party is more of a must than it actually is. I encourage you not to go to that.
posted by wryly at 11:11 AM on January 9, 2016 [6 favorites]

I'd send a lovely congratulations card to your relative and go on the date.
posted by gatorae at 11:13 AM on January 9, 2016 [28 favorites]

Is drinking at either event an absolute 'must'? Time wise, could you 'drop by' the family event, and then proceed to your date, if you drive yourself? "I'd love a drink, but just some soda, I'm driving....is perfectly reasonable amongst reasonable people". Making an effort to attend the family event, and then bowing out or just ghosting out, shows interest in your family, but this date sounds worthwhile. You can always frame the date as 'promised to meet up with a friend' rather than as a date if your families nosiness is a concern. You're an adult, you don't owe anyone an explanation of your every movement.
posted by Northbysomewhatcrazy at 11:15 AM on January 9, 2016 [19 favorites]

In my world, dysfunctional family still trumps potential new beau (maybe that's why I'm still single!). Most of my family gatherings of elderly relatives end by 10 pm. Can you arrange to meet up with the potential new beau after the gathering? If not, reschedule for lunch tomorrow.
posted by kbar1 at 11:16 AM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]

Well, if you already told your relatives / mother you'd come, you should. Apologize to the dude for accidentally double booking and set up an alternative date.

If you haven't, tell your mother you have a prior commitment and breaking it would be unspeakably rude.

You can't make her be happy about it, but it would be the grown up thing to do.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:20 AM on January 9, 2016 [1 favorite]

In my book, staying home with the cat trumps a retirement party for people with whom you have no real relationship that you've been sucked into by a NPD parent.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:20 AM on January 9, 2016 [77 favorites]

I say go on the date. It sounds like the main reason to go to the retirement party would be to please your unpleasable mother. Even if you go you'll probably be miserable, and your extended family won't mind either way.
posted by ejs at 11:23 AM on January 9, 2016 [3 favorites]

Go on the date and for god's sake don't ever, ever bring a first date to a family event attended by an unpredictably hurtful and cruel member of your family.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:26 AM on January 9, 2016 [66 favorites]

This is a fine excuse to free yourself from toxic family obligations. The chances this particular date will be a significant positive event in your life are tiny. The chances that telling your controlling family to get lost will be a significant positive event in your life are significant.

Go on the date. Send a card to your retiring relatives wishing them well. Stop returning your mother's calls until she's calmed down and apologized for being a jerk.

Note: most people on earth would almost certainly disagree with this advice.
posted by eotvos at 11:28 AM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Additional details: there are out of towners traveling in for the family event whom I like but don't seem terribly interested in any substantial relationship outside of their immediate family events. Both events are taking place at bars where I won't be paying for alcohol either way, so no, I can't turn down free alcohol. I don't have a cat. (And marinara: an extended family event on a first date? Be serious.)
posted by MeFiMouse at 11:28 AM on January 9, 2016 [6 favorites]

Miss Manners says you have to attend the event you first accepted the invitation to.

I say let toxic family members be toxic in your absence, go on the date.

Take your pick.
posted by PMdixon at 11:40 AM on January 9, 2016 [4 favorites]

Just for the record: you can absolutely turn down free alcohol. Get a rum & Coke (hold the rum) and no one will be able to tell.
posted by SMPA at 11:40 AM on January 9, 2016 [20 favorites]

Both events are taking place at bars where I won't be paying for alcohol either way, so no, I can't turn down free alcohol.

Can you clarify this?
posted by mochapickle at 11:41 AM on January 9, 2016 [12 favorites]

I accepted a first date with someone I haven't met in person yet, but who has consistently shown interest in me on a dating app over the past few months, wishing me holiday greetings at Halloween, Thanksgiving, and the holidays

Look, this is really simple. This ^ dude? This dude who has been interested in you for months? This dude can wait one more week. Someone legitimately interested in you for MONTHS will still be interested in you a week from now.

For what it's worth, it is very rare that a "normal" person would have sustained, months-long interest in someone they haven't even met. And why haven't they given up and dated other people yet? Quite a few "is this relationship abusive?" questions right here on the green start out with similar stories of "he pursued me for months and I finally gave in." Use this as a good time to test the waters. If he reacts poorly to the request to postpone the date, he's probably an asshole.
posted by phunniemee at 11:41 AM on January 9, 2016 [6 favorites]

Why not tell the date you have a family obligation you forgot about (but were just reminded) and would he be able to meet up with you the night before or after? If he's interested, this will not be a problem. If it is a problem, that's a huge red flag that he's either not that interested or that he thinks he's much more important than your entire life, so either way you find out something important about him. Seriously, if he won't reschedule due to a family obligation, he's not worth meeting anyhow.
posted by DoubleLune at 11:41 AM on January 9, 2016 [4 favorites]

First date, hands down. Send a pretty card to the relatives, follow up with them later and arrange another event minus your mom at which to bond.
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:41 AM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]

At this point I'm just more confused about why you think you MUST drink at the retirement event. Go for an hour, say hi to who you want to say hi to, drink sparkling water or a soda or whatever, and then go meet the date.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:45 AM on January 9, 2016 [22 favorites]

I didn't receive my own invitation
Why are you considering going to an event you aren't invited to? Apologies if I'm misunderstanding, but....
posted by sageleaf at 11:47 AM on January 9, 2016 [3 favorites]

Well, you can a) drink and attend one and feel bad and/or experience repercussions or 2) not drink, go to both and not feel bad about having to chose between the two. I know which route I'd go.
posted by Beti at 11:51 AM on January 9, 2016 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Further clarifications: I was invited to the family event, I think, but I personally never saw the invitation since I was just lumped onto my parents' invitation even though I haven't lived with them in over a decade. There is a lot of triangulation, naturally, and I never communicate with any of the extended relatives directly -- only through my mother, the grapevine.

"I can't" turn down free alcohol = am unwilling to.

If I go to the family event, I'm probably not going to want to leave immediately on behalf of the out or towners. Saying hi for 5 minutes seems more painful than bowing out of the event entirely.
posted by MeFiMouse at 11:55 AM on January 9, 2016

Being unwilling to turn down a free drink is kind of a little weird, OP.

If you can't make an early exit from the party (my whole social coping strategy is based on early exits, and it's wonderfully liberating), skip the party, send a card to the relative, and email the out-of-towners that you'd like to meet up some other time. Whether you go on the date or stay home and do something else is up to you.
posted by mochapickle at 12:01 PM on January 9, 2016 [14 favorites]

With updates, it really sounds like you want us to tell you to go to the family thing.

I wouldn't - not for anything - but you're not me. If you're looking for permission, you have a random stranger on the internet's permission to go to the family event.

But it sounds like you'd be better off staying home or going on a date.
posted by guster4lovers at 12:09 PM on January 9, 2016 [4 favorites]

This is the type of conflict that "making an appearance" was made for. Go to the family event, have one non-alcoholic drink, then go on the date and soak up all the free alcohol you'd like. I think your refusal to turn down free alcohol is needlessly complicating this.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:09 PM on January 9, 2016 [9 favorites]

You go to the event you accepted first, in this case the family retirement party. The presence or absence of alcohol at either event is immaterial.
posted by easily confused at 12:13 PM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]

Cultivate a relationship with the relatives you want to without your hard to please mother's interference. For me, this would mean not going to the retirement party but sending a congratulations card. Follow up with a phone call. The reason you get lumped in with your parents (unless I am misunderstanding) is because your mom is the one who guilts you into going to these things and communicates with the relatives on your behalf. Don't let her do that anymore and you don't have to worry that your relatives won't attend your events because of a lack of relationship. Since they didn't invite you directly—it doesn't count if it was implied—it doesn't sound like they got a direct "yes, I will be attending" from you so it doesn't seem rude to cancel.

Go on the date. You did say yes to this date directly, so if you're interested, go on the date. If you feel "meh" about the guy (he's been pursuing you for months and you're just now accepting a date?) I guess cancelling isn't that big of a deal in that case, but it sounds like you'd really like to take dating seriously. I guess the overall thing I want to convey here is that you have to take charge of your own life. Don't let your mom control your relationships with relatives and if you don't want to be single anymore, give first dates your best shot.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 12:13 PM on January 9, 2016 [8 favorites]

If free booze is your first priority, go to the event that provides more of it.

Personally I'd go to the retirement party for an hour or so, and then have a late-ish date.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:14 PM on January 9, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Skip both the date and your dysfunctional family event, see a therapist instead. This is not meant as rude or snarky!

I thought this was going to be an easy question where you take the encouragement and dump the family event, instead you are pushing back on the thread the way your NPD mom probably pushes back on you.

This is not that difficult to parse, but you're making it that way.

ProTip: You are an adult, you can do whatever you want - no permission necessary!

Since you're finding this concept difficult to implement, invest in yourself and have a few therapy sessions. If you want a lovely and fulfilling life, you'll need some boundaries and skills for putting your dysfunctional family in perspective. People cross this threshold every day and go on to healthier living habits, you can too.

TL;DR - It doesn't matter which event you choose, for whatever reason you aren't choosing what's in your own best interests, and you don't seem to know what might be in your best interests...therefore, therapy.
posted by jbenben at 12:19 PM on January 9, 2016 [35 favorites]

I have a mother who is similar, and a somewhat fractured family. I'd also like to be closer to some of those relatives, despite or outside of my mother's drama. But consider: they might mentally lump you in with your mother, or consider your mother to be a barrier in a closer relationship with you -- they might be looking to avoid her, too, and your relationships are a byproduct of that.

I think this is going on, for me. I haven't seen that side of my family since years, and after I got married (in what the pictures made clear was a verrrrrry small event) last summer, I sent out a few announcements. I hoped I'd hear back -- a card, an email, just "congratulations", something (note: not looking for gifts). But I heard nothing. That's disappointing. I'm still glad I made the effort. I'm pretty sure they are still pissed at my mother, for reasons, and I expect that's why. Hope this is helpful for your perspective / effort towards your own extended family.
posted by Dashy at 12:20 PM on January 9, 2016

Go to the family event for an hour or so, don't drink and then go on your date.

Keep in mind how this supposed dilemma (created almost entirely by the unwillingness to delay drinking for an hour or two) could play out on your first date: If I went on a first date with someone and found out that they felt like not drinking when alcohol was available was just not an option they were willing to consider I would consider that a huge red flag. If you reschedule the date because you can't wait an hour or two to drink, that's what I would be thinking if I were your date.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 12:22 PM on January 9, 2016 [3 favorites]

oh, and in this case: I would often do the drop-in to events like this; but in your shoes, I'd probably be a frazzled antisocial frustrated mess after dealing with my mother, so wouldn't be my usual sparkly (hah) self for a date immediately after. I'd want to separate those events.
posted by Dashy at 12:23 PM on January 9, 2016 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks for everyone's input. I opted to request a later start time for the date and to "make an appearance" at the family event, perhaps have 1 drink there and then have the date later. I'm interested to see how the day pans out at the very least.

And jbenben: thanks for weighing in, not to flatter you but I always love your advice! (Speaking as a lurker). I am in therapy, but practically it's had no effect so far on my paralyzing indecision and ability to be rendered immobile by conflicting emotions of guilt, anger, obligation, competing priorities, mixed messages, complex human relationships and so forth. Thanks!
posted by MeFiMouse at 12:25 PM on January 9, 2016 [4 favorites]

That sounds like a good plan, OP. If this works for you, have a really nice music playlist or some kind of ritual that will help you reset your mindset when going into the date. I find that as long as I stay within the confines of the present moment, it helps deal with anxiety and transitions.
posted by yueliang at 12:29 PM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]

I just saw this thread and though I am weighing in after the best answer has been marked and you've made your decision, I think you made the right choice.

Something to consider: you mentioned several times that these family members don't show much interest in you. Once you're no longer living with your parents, the family communication should go both ways. Don't expect them to do all the reaching out. Reach out to them! You can have relationships with your family members without involving your mother at all. In fact, you should. Send greeting cards at the holidays. Call on birthdays. Whatever. And make sure they have your address. You might then get treated like the autonomous person you now are.
posted by clone boulevard at 12:36 PM on January 9, 2016 [5 favorites]

Is the drinking thing also related to pressure from your mom? Will you get shit from her if you don't drink?
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:14 PM on January 9, 2016

Take it from someone older than you: the date dude can wait. You may have mixed feelings about family, but there will come a time when those people are gone and you may wish you'd had the opportunity to connect with them while you could.
posted by zadcat at 1:47 PM on January 9, 2016

i'm sorry, i'd avoid the family and go on the date. that person might end up being your family in the future. my grandmother is toxic, and there has not been one instance where i have ever regretted canceling on her. i vote date.
posted by koroshiya at 2:01 PM on January 9, 2016 [1 favorite]

I agree that you've made the best choice. FWIW, if I'd been pursuing someone for a while and then they bailed on me after we finally set up a first date, I'd likely be done with them.

"I can't" turn down free alcohol = am unwilling to.

Even if it's free, I'd highly recommend drinking in moderation on a first date.. In general, really, but especially on a first date.
posted by Candleman at 3:05 PM on January 9, 2016 [1 favorite]

"Go to something you weren't invited to in order to please somebody who is terrible and toxic for you to maintain relationships with people who aren't interested in you"

vs.

"Take a chance at establishing a relationship with somebody who treats you properly and actively wants to spend time with you"

Like jbenben says, it seems for whatever reason you are not interested in doing what might be healthiest and most enjoyable. I had a hell of a childhood that's resulted in me struggling to make decisions that demonstrate my inherent worth as a human being. In a choice like this it helps to pretend a friend is in the same situation and asking me what they should do. Oftentimes the answer is much more clear. Even if I still end up picking the less-healthy decision, it helps me put into perspective how little respect and credit I am giving myself.

(if I had to spend time with the family you described I would take all the free alcohol given to me too . . . that is further indication that maybe it's not the greatest thing)
posted by Anonymous at 3:11 PM on January 9, 2016

I would send a congratulations card or email to the family member, which will also provide them with your direct contact information. I am also well into my thirties and often receive invites to family events through my parents. Until I read your post, I hadn't really considered this a sign of disinterest on their part! If there are family members you'd like to be better acquainted with, consider reaching out to them individually.
Have fun on the date!
posted by areaperson at 3:42 PM on January 9, 2016