Am I right to suspect that I'm in danger?
January 8, 2016 7:41 PM Subscribe
I can't go to the police for personal reasons, please, I know that this is long, but, I have no one to talk to about this, and I've packed my bags in the middle of the night and am staying at an Airbnb three towns over. I've been seeing someone for the past three months who has Bi-Polar Disorder. Well, some things have happened that have left me very spooked, to say the least, and I can't tell if I'm overreacting, or if I'm spot-on in my assessment of the situation. I can't talk to anyone in my life about this because I'm afraid of how insane this situation looks.
him [35/M], me [24/F]
Please excuse my grammar and punctuation, I'm very upset right now.
The holidays are hard for him and I could tell from the beginning that he was in something of a manic state, fast thoughts, high giddy mood, affectionate & sweet, and then when I'd leave his house after staying half the week (was on vacation) he'd sink into a depressive state for a whole day and wouldn't answer calls or leave the house other than to go to work. now, before you tell me to run in the other direction- crazy people need love, too- and it just so happens that we're both just unusual in the same way, i accept his BP, and he accepts my quirky-ness. everything was going swell, we had become fast friends, great sex, perfect mix of personalities, and had so, so much in common- he also loves to cook and would invite me over for home cooked meals multiple times per week and ask for nothing in return.
Something about him that I always found unusual but never questioned (because I usually date men who are highly intelligent + highly creative + successful + have a more than a touch of (harmless) madness who love me to death and treat me like a queen.), was the fact that he says that he sees energy auras around people. I looked it up, and apparently this is actually a thing, it’s called ‘Synthesia’ and it just means that there are a few “crossed wires” between the brain and the corneas. Two days ago, we were chatting over skype when he told me how he had wanted to see a medium because of how the auras around people had begun to get worse, and he had begun seeing spirits everywhere, too. He thought that his spirit seeing, bloody nightmares, and aura seeing had gotten worse as soon as he met me, and that he was feeling spooked by it all. He thought that he felt a magnetic pull towards me, and is convinced that we were soul mates and lovers in a past life, but were not soul mates in this life, only lovers. I don’t believe in spirits or past lives, but I will admit I felt a magnetic pull towards him, and we both felt- though I would never admit it to him- that it felt already as if we’d known each other our whole lives. i could read him like a book, and vice versa- we were the same on the inside which I attributed to our incredibly, incredibly, similar and very very unusual upbringings/story.
He told me that the night before he had fallen asleep clutching my pillow since it smelled like me, and had fallen in and out of sleep all night having really terrible nightmares. (Now, please don’t judge, I’m someone who has never acted out in violence before and never feel the urge to be violent, and yet even still, I sometimes have bloody nightmares, too, so I understand him on that level.) He says that he dreamt that his floor was littered with dead bodies that had been stabbed to death, and that, when he woke up from his dream, he was actually clutching a knife in real life, though obviously, no one had been hurt. Huge red flag. He also, these past few weeks, has been telling me that I need to be careful and watch out for my own safety. He told me that night over skype that the reason why he says that to me is because he had been having these dreams about a faceless man in a hoodie abducting me in broad daylight and tying me up and killing me. In these dreams of his, the man’s face is never revealed, but my reaction to seeing the man approach me is one of pleasant surprise- as if i knew the man in real life. after telling me this he gets teary, stands up to collect himself, and comes back and sits back down and looks like he’s feeling shame. shame? why would he feel shame, he knows that I have those dreams, too. then he scared me when he told me that twice during the skype chat, he believed he saw the computer screen begin to ripple- like the way water does when you skip a stone in it- and he heard me screaming even though I never screamed. obviously, he was hallucinating.
we have fun in the sack, and play around with light dominance/submission, and i call him ‘daddy’ behind closed doors in a cutesy way, and he calls me his ‘little my_name”, and he asked me that night over skype if i wanted to be his little girl forever. he said that he knew what the world had in store for me, and that neither of us fit into the box. that madness was a sign of pain and being outcasted unfairly from a tribe one too many times, and that he saw that pain inside of me. he wanted to save me from it. he said that i had 20% battery life left, he says my time is coming soon. he says that he's convinced that i am him on the inside, that there is a man inside of me, and sometimes, when it's very quiet, the man inside of me speaks aloud to him. he says that there is also a spirit inside of me, he can see it in my eyes. he's hearing voices.
he then held his cellphone in front of the skype camera and showed me a picture i took of him and asked me if there really was a man in that picture, or if he was just imagining it.
occasionally he makes passing comments about hurting women in deviant ways, then passes them off as jokes. the thing is, he has a daughter that lives with him every other week- and they get alone well- also, his long-term ex-girlfriend still messages him occasionally asking how he’s doing, i’ve seen the messages.
I have a tattoo on my back, and he scratched the same emblem onto his calf.
i stopped seeing him and am afraid for my life, am i overreacting??? he says that i've ended things suddenly and over nothing, and that he's no threat to me, but i don't know, i'm afraid and can't tell anyone in my life about this because he threatened to blacklmail me once when we got into a verbal argument last week.
i'm a student, now staying at an airbnb, and walking around attending classes that i can't skip & going to the grocery store like a regular person all while convinced that this guy is having a psychotic break and is going to try to enact some long dormant deviant fantasy on me...
he says that last christmas he tried and failed at killing himself, this christmas we spent together.
him [35/M], me [24/F]
Please excuse my grammar and punctuation, I'm very upset right now.
The holidays are hard for him and I could tell from the beginning that he was in something of a manic state, fast thoughts, high giddy mood, affectionate & sweet, and then when I'd leave his house after staying half the week (was on vacation) he'd sink into a depressive state for a whole day and wouldn't answer calls or leave the house other than to go to work. now, before you tell me to run in the other direction- crazy people need love, too- and it just so happens that we're both just unusual in the same way, i accept his BP, and he accepts my quirky-ness. everything was going swell, we had become fast friends, great sex, perfect mix of personalities, and had so, so much in common- he also loves to cook and would invite me over for home cooked meals multiple times per week and ask for nothing in return.
Something about him that I always found unusual but never questioned (because I usually date men who are highly intelligent + highly creative + successful + have a more than a touch of (harmless) madness who love me to death and treat me like a queen.), was the fact that he says that he sees energy auras around people. I looked it up, and apparently this is actually a thing, it’s called ‘Synthesia’ and it just means that there are a few “crossed wires” between the brain and the corneas. Two days ago, we were chatting over skype when he told me how he had wanted to see a medium because of how the auras around people had begun to get worse, and he had begun seeing spirits everywhere, too. He thought that his spirit seeing, bloody nightmares, and aura seeing had gotten worse as soon as he met me, and that he was feeling spooked by it all. He thought that he felt a magnetic pull towards me, and is convinced that we were soul mates and lovers in a past life, but were not soul mates in this life, only lovers. I don’t believe in spirits or past lives, but I will admit I felt a magnetic pull towards him, and we both felt- though I would never admit it to him- that it felt already as if we’d known each other our whole lives. i could read him like a book, and vice versa- we were the same on the inside which I attributed to our incredibly, incredibly, similar and very very unusual upbringings/story.
He told me that the night before he had fallen asleep clutching my pillow since it smelled like me, and had fallen in and out of sleep all night having really terrible nightmares. (Now, please don’t judge, I’m someone who has never acted out in violence before and never feel the urge to be violent, and yet even still, I sometimes have bloody nightmares, too, so I understand him on that level.) He says that he dreamt that his floor was littered with dead bodies that had been stabbed to death, and that, when he woke up from his dream, he was actually clutching a knife in real life, though obviously, no one had been hurt. Huge red flag. He also, these past few weeks, has been telling me that I need to be careful and watch out for my own safety. He told me that night over skype that the reason why he says that to me is because he had been having these dreams about a faceless man in a hoodie abducting me in broad daylight and tying me up and killing me. In these dreams of his, the man’s face is never revealed, but my reaction to seeing the man approach me is one of pleasant surprise- as if i knew the man in real life. after telling me this he gets teary, stands up to collect himself, and comes back and sits back down and looks like he’s feeling shame. shame? why would he feel shame, he knows that I have those dreams, too. then he scared me when he told me that twice during the skype chat, he believed he saw the computer screen begin to ripple- like the way water does when you skip a stone in it- and he heard me screaming even though I never screamed. obviously, he was hallucinating.
we have fun in the sack, and play around with light dominance/submission, and i call him ‘daddy’ behind closed doors in a cutesy way, and he calls me his ‘little my_name”, and he asked me that night over skype if i wanted to be his little girl forever. he said that he knew what the world had in store for me, and that neither of us fit into the box. that madness was a sign of pain and being outcasted unfairly from a tribe one too many times, and that he saw that pain inside of me. he wanted to save me from it. he said that i had 20% battery life left, he says my time is coming soon. he says that he's convinced that i am him on the inside, that there is a man inside of me, and sometimes, when it's very quiet, the man inside of me speaks aloud to him. he says that there is also a spirit inside of me, he can see it in my eyes. he's hearing voices.
he then held his cellphone in front of the skype camera and showed me a picture i took of him and asked me if there really was a man in that picture, or if he was just imagining it.
occasionally he makes passing comments about hurting women in deviant ways, then passes them off as jokes. the thing is, he has a daughter that lives with him every other week- and they get alone well- also, his long-term ex-girlfriend still messages him occasionally asking how he’s doing, i’ve seen the messages.
I have a tattoo on my back, and he scratched the same emblem onto his calf.
i stopped seeing him and am afraid for my life, am i overreacting??? he says that i've ended things suddenly and over nothing, and that he's no threat to me, but i don't know, i'm afraid and can't tell anyone in my life about this because he threatened to blacklmail me once when we got into a verbal argument last week.
i'm a student, now staying at an airbnb, and walking around attending classes that i can't skip & going to the grocery store like a regular person all while convinced that this guy is having a psychotic break and is going to try to enact some long dormant deviant fantasy on me...
he says that last christmas he tried and failed at killing himself, this christmas we spent together.
You don't ever need anyone's permission to trust your instincts about your personal safety. If you don't feel safe, there's a good chance you're not safe.
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, for what it's worth. There are plenty of people in good relationships with people with mental illness, but you're not one of them.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:54 PM on January 8, 2016 [42 favorites]
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, for what it's worth. There are plenty of people in good relationships with people with mental illness, but you're not one of them.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:54 PM on January 8, 2016 [42 favorites]
Not overreacting in my opinion. He sounds like he is struggling with his grasp on reality. I'm pretty worried about his daughter too, from what you've written.
posted by forza at 7:55 PM on January 8, 2016 [28 favorites]
posted by forza at 7:55 PM on January 8, 2016 [28 favorites]
You are not overreacting. Good for you.
Take a few deep breaths, and prepare to use your brain on this.
Make sure you eat well, since I'd be surprised if you're sleeping well.
posted by amtho at 7:55 PM on January 8, 2016
Take a few deep breaths, and prepare to use your brain on this.
Make sure you eat well, since I'd be surprised if you're sleeping well.
posted by amtho at 7:55 PM on January 8, 2016
Response by poster: the thing is, he never outright threatened my safety, everything he said was round-a-bout and double sided, we both knew what we were really saying while he talked about certain things. he verbally denies being a threat to my safety, but the facts remain. obviously i ended things with him, but, he still knows where i live, and he knows a very big nasty secret about me- as well as who to tell it to. the kind of secret that would get me disowned from my family. he hasn't blackmail threatened at all again, though, and i don't believe he will even though i'm afraid for my safety.
posted by nephilim. at 7:57 PM on January 8, 2016
posted by nephilim. at 7:57 PM on January 8, 2016
He threatened to blackmail you, that is a threat to your safety. Even if he only did it once. Even if he wasn't outright. He is an unsafe person. You were right to leave.
If he comes to where you live, call the police. Do not borrow trouble about the blackmail thing - you think he won't do it and he doesn't sound like a very reputable person - what makes you think people would believe him anyway?
posted by FritoKAL at 8:00 PM on January 8, 2016 [10 favorites]
If he comes to where you live, call the police. Do not borrow trouble about the blackmail thing - you think he won't do it and he doesn't sound like a very reputable person - what makes you think people would believe him anyway?
posted by FritoKAL at 8:00 PM on January 8, 2016 [10 favorites]
You need to stay away from this person. Stay away. If he tells your family your secret, deny deny deny. Tell them he is mentally ill and obsessed with you. Stay safe.
posted by ch1x0r at 8:01 PM on January 8, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by ch1x0r at 8:01 PM on January 8, 2016 [15 favorites]
OK, look, I had typed out a point by point assessment of the situation, but I deleted it because it all comes down to this.
This dude is super bad for you and you need to get far away from him. Permanently.
I don't personally think, based on what you wrote, that you are in immediate danger of being murdered by him or anything like that. However, basically every single thing you wrote is a gigantic red flag of either A) him going through a severe manic episode that he needs treatment for, stat, and/or B) an abusive relationship.
This guy is too old for you. I have no real issue with kink, but when an older guy is dating a really young woman and having her call him daddy and being sexually dominant with her and also treating her like absolute garbage (frequent check-ins with the ex, casual jokes about violence towards women, acting out when she doesn't attend to his beck and call, etc), it's not just "kink". It's someone who is a toxic asshole who you don't need in your life.
Also wow this dude needs psychiatric help. Not from you. From, like, the men in white coats. I'm not sure I'd recommend involuntary commitment specifically, but he is obviously a danger to others and to himself. At the very least, you should contact his family and have someone more stable in his life (I get the sense you guys aren't married, haven't been together for years, etc) to figure out what the best course of treatment is for him. And you need to get outta there in a permanent way.
Go no contact, bare minimum. Speak to people at your school (maybe in security?) about having him barred from your campus. Tell roommates, your family, professors, coworkers, etc. that this is a thing and that if anyone comes looking for you, give no access to you or information about you. I'm not sure you need to be staying in an Air BnB or even move or change your phone number, but you need to block this guy from having any contact with you whatsoever.
posted by Sara C. at 8:02 PM on January 8, 2016 [65 favorites]
This dude is super bad for you and you need to get far away from him. Permanently.
I don't personally think, based on what you wrote, that you are in immediate danger of being murdered by him or anything like that. However, basically every single thing you wrote is a gigantic red flag of either A) him going through a severe manic episode that he needs treatment for, stat, and/or B) an abusive relationship.
This guy is too old for you. I have no real issue with kink, but when an older guy is dating a really young woman and having her call him daddy and being sexually dominant with her and also treating her like absolute garbage (frequent check-ins with the ex, casual jokes about violence towards women, acting out when she doesn't attend to his beck and call, etc), it's not just "kink". It's someone who is a toxic asshole who you don't need in your life.
Also wow this dude needs psychiatric help. Not from you. From, like, the men in white coats. I'm not sure I'd recommend involuntary commitment specifically, but he is obviously a danger to others and to himself. At the very least, you should contact his family and have someone more stable in his life (I get the sense you guys aren't married, haven't been together for years, etc) to figure out what the best course of treatment is for him. And you need to get outta there in a permanent way.
Go no contact, bare minimum. Speak to people at your school (maybe in security?) about having him barred from your campus. Tell roommates, your family, professors, coworkers, etc. that this is a thing and that if anyone comes looking for you, give no access to you or information about you. I'm not sure you need to be staying in an Air BnB or even move or change your phone number, but you need to block this guy from having any contact with you whatsoever.
posted by Sara C. at 8:02 PM on January 8, 2016 [65 favorites]
Fucking run. This has a lot of startling similarities to my psycho ex husband before he pulled a gun on me. Me mail me for anything you need.
posted by corb at 8:02 PM on January 8, 2016 [18 favorites]
posted by corb at 8:02 PM on January 8, 2016 [18 favorites]
#notallBPpeople but my buddy's ex-wife once chased him though the house with an ax. He had to lock himself in the bathroom to stay safe. And someone I love who has bipolar disorder once tossed a heavy object at my head. Luckily, she missed. What do MeFites always say? Believe people when they tell you who they are. "He also has been telling me these past weeks to be careful for my own safety." What could be clearer? There is obviously a part of him that is as worried as you are. Believe him, stay away from him, and go no contact. It may hurt like hell for both of you, but listen to his words. Nthing that he needs professional help, but that's not your job. Your job is to stay safe. And as best he could, even if he has forgotten now, he has asked you to stay safe. The part of him that loves you and is healthy doesn't want you to be hurt. So please, stay the hell away.
posted by Bella Donna at 8:27 PM on January 8, 2016 [22 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 8:27 PM on January 8, 2016 [22 favorites]
He absolutely threatened your safety! He is telegraphing to you that he's the "faceless man" + he threatened to blackmail you.
Call RAINN. Call a domestic abuse hotline. Get someone to go to the police with you. Tell your friends and family you were dating someone who started out normal, but ended up having a psychotic break and is now threatening you. Seek safety. Move apartments or similar. Cover your tracks electronically. Withdraw from social media. Seek professional guidance and seek safety.
He woke up with a knife in his hands? Really?
Nope nope nope nope.
Stop speaking to this person, no more explanations.
I'm so very sorry. It super duper sucks you have to alter your life significantly to keep yourself safe. This was not your fault! Although, now you know what dating scary folks looks like. It looks like this. Not your fault, but now you've got to take steps to put distance between you and this guy.
Don't be ashamed. This is not uncommon. Ask for help.
posted by jbenben at 8:28 PM on January 8, 2016 [11 favorites]
Call RAINN. Call a domestic abuse hotline. Get someone to go to the police with you. Tell your friends and family you were dating someone who started out normal, but ended up having a psychotic break and is now threatening you. Seek safety. Move apartments or similar. Cover your tracks electronically. Withdraw from social media. Seek professional guidance and seek safety.
He woke up with a knife in his hands? Really?
Nope nope nope nope.
Stop speaking to this person, no more explanations.
I'm so very sorry. It super duper sucks you have to alter your life significantly to keep yourself safe. This was not your fault! Although, now you know what dating scary folks looks like. It looks like this. Not your fault, but now you've got to take steps to put distance between you and this guy.
Don't be ashamed. This is not uncommon. Ask for help.
posted by jbenben at 8:28 PM on January 8, 2016 [11 favorites]
the thing is, he never outright threatened my safety, everything he said was round-a-bout and double sided,I don't think that's really true. "he said that i had 20% battery life left, he says my time is coming soon," is pretty close to a direct threat. He is clearly threatening you, and the fact that he's mostly doing it indirectly just makes him a manipulative asshole, rather than a plain old asshole.
One thing I think you should do right now is go to your school's website, find the search box, and type in "confidential dating violence." It's likely that your school has someone you can talk to about this who will not be required to report to anyone else. At my university, searching the phrase "victim advocate" would also bring up those resources. You want to make sure that they're confidential, because otherwise they may be required to contact the police. You may decide in the end to contact the police, but it would be helpful to talk it through with a knowledgeable person before you made up your mind about that.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:30 PM on January 8, 2016 [30 favorites]
OK, look, I had typed out a point by point assessment of the situation, but I deleted it because it all comes down to this.
I was going to do something similar, because I've had plenty weird people in my life, and bipolar is tough but yes people with bipolar deserve love, and I hear you on not wanting to judge because this is someone you care about and this stuff happens by degrees.
But yeah, his comments about the violence with women, the knife, the comments about your time being up, are completely terrifying, and also the age difference COUPLED with the Daddy stuff, neither by itself, is a red flag, so I just think your feelings are right on.
That being said, as others have said you never need validation or agreement from others to feel unsafe. Your instincts were right and I'm happy for you that you followed them. Take care of yourself.
posted by sweetkid at 8:32 PM on January 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
I was going to do something similar, because I've had plenty weird people in my life, and bipolar is tough but yes people with bipolar deserve love, and I hear you on not wanting to judge because this is someone you care about and this stuff happens by degrees.
But yeah, his comments about the violence with women, the knife, the comments about your time being up, are completely terrifying, and also the age difference COUPLED with the Daddy stuff, neither by itself, is a red flag, so I just think your feelings are right on.
That being said, as others have said you never need validation or agreement from others to feel unsafe. Your instincts were right and I'm happy for you that you followed them. Take care of yourself.
posted by sweetkid at 8:32 PM on January 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
1. I'm glad you're trusting your instincts and staying away from him.
2. Your city or county likely has a 24-hour crisis line (this counts as a crisis) that you can call for advice. They may also be able to go check in on him and offer help, without necessarily getting the police involved. You can google your city name (if you're in a big city) or your county name (if you're not) and "mental health crisis." Look for the .gov URLs. They'll likely have something called an "Access Team" or "Crisis Line," and that's the number that you want. (If you want help finding your local mental-health resources, please feel free to send me a message with your city/county and I'd be happy to look it up for you.)
posted by jaguar at 8:35 PM on January 8, 2016 [6 favorites]
2. Your city or county likely has a 24-hour crisis line (this counts as a crisis) that you can call for advice. They may also be able to go check in on him and offer help, without necessarily getting the police involved. You can google your city name (if you're in a big city) or your county name (if you're not) and "mental health crisis." Look for the .gov URLs. They'll likely have something called an "Access Team" or "Crisis Line," and that's the number that you want. (If you want help finding your local mental-health resources, please feel free to send me a message with your city/county and I'd be happy to look it up for you.)
posted by jaguar at 8:35 PM on January 8, 2016 [6 favorites]
Very intelligent men dominate in the most clever ways. You are in danger. You know you are in danger. He knows you are in danger. He also knows how to threaten you without giving you anything that would fit nicely in a police report. If you want an obvious threat, date a guy just like him only not as smart. It doesn't matter what his history with other women is or how he is with his daughter. What matters is that you are his current victim, and you are not safe.
posted by myselfasme at 8:36 PM on January 8, 2016 [19 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 8:36 PM on January 8, 2016 [19 favorites]
Uh, that hoodie dream is scary as fuck. You're so smart to stay away from him! Please consider confiding in a person you love and trust. You did nothing wrong here, and it will help to have an ally.
"Crazy people need love, too?" That's fair and fine, but "all people need respect and safety." He doesn't get your love because he's not being loving toward you. In fact, he's being a predator.
posted by jessca84 at 8:41 PM on January 8, 2016 [22 favorites]
"Crazy people need love, too?" That's fair and fine, but "all people need respect and safety." He doesn't get your love because he's not being loving toward you. In fact, he's being a predator.
posted by jessca84 at 8:41 PM on January 8, 2016 [22 favorites]
Look, the good news is if he blabs your secret, he is psychotic, and clearly not in his right mind, so how could it be true?
I would call 911 or its local equivalent and have him checked on. And even if he knows something on you that would put you in jail? Jail is better than dead, honey.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:45 PM on January 8, 2016 [12 favorites]
I would call 911 or its local equivalent and have him checked on. And even if he knows something on you that would put you in jail? Jail is better than dead, honey.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:45 PM on January 8, 2016 [12 favorites]
As a professor I urge you to seek out University resources to help you. I'd also meet with your professors and tell them that you're in the middle of breaking up with someone dangerous. This will be helpful so that your professors are even more eagle eyed than normal about random people around the classroom. We are obligated to keep your information private but we sometimes slip up. I'd rather they be working with you.
posted by k8t at 8:59 PM on January 8, 2016 [19 favorites]
posted by k8t at 8:59 PM on January 8, 2016 [19 favorites]
I agree with someone up top - I think he's very cleverly victimizing you in a way that won't fit neatly into a police report. In other words, I doubt he's seeing screens ripple and isn't 100% in control of his actions. Either way he's scary as fuck and bad news. This is just my take. I am not a mental health professional, and neither are you. You do know what he's said and done. This is what counts.
Lots of good advice above. Again, reach out for help and protection. This happens, you are not to blame. Don't be ashamed to reach out for help! Stay safe.
posted by jbenben at 8:59 PM on January 8, 2016 [7 favorites]
Lots of good advice above. Again, reach out for help and protection. This happens, you are not to blame. Don't be ashamed to reach out for help! Stay safe.
posted by jbenben at 8:59 PM on January 8, 2016 [7 favorites]
he says that he's convinced that i am him on the inside, that there is a man inside of me, and sometimes, when it's very quiet, the man inside of me speaks aloud to him. he says that there is also a spirit inside of me, he can see it in my eyes. he's hearing voices.
Yeah, stay away from him. If he pursues you, get a restraining order. He is literally crazy, or incredibly disingenuous, and it's not your job to fix him. There's more going on here than just his being bipolar.
posted by limeonaire at 9:00 PM on January 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
Yeah, stay away from him. If he pursues you, get a restraining order. He is literally crazy, or incredibly disingenuous, and it's not your job to fix him. There's more going on here than just his being bipolar.
posted by limeonaire at 9:00 PM on January 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
i'm a submissive woman in a 24/7 bdsm relationship with a man a few years older than me - we say things in the bedroom that i'm sure many wouldn't approve of. our relationship is loving and supportive and perfect for us. i have previously been in abusive bdsm relationships - you are in an abusive one.
i know - no one has understood you like he does and more than that, you've never gotten anyone like you get him - it feels as if it's at a molecular level. things buzz. the sex is good but it's more than that. you feel responsible for him in a way. i know. he's abusing you. presently it's (i hope) confined to emotional abuse, but he's ramping up. he's also ill - i absolutely believe that and mental health is rough, i know. but on top of his mental health, he's abusing you. he's dangerous for you to be around.
as to the blackmail - he'll likely not do it and even if he does, being disowned is a better outcome than the one it seems like he has in store for you if you were to stay.
posted by nadawi at 9:03 PM on January 8, 2016 [37 favorites]
i know - no one has understood you like he does and more than that, you've never gotten anyone like you get him - it feels as if it's at a molecular level. things buzz. the sex is good but it's more than that. you feel responsible for him in a way. i know. he's abusing you. presently it's (i hope) confined to emotional abuse, but he's ramping up. he's also ill - i absolutely believe that and mental health is rough, i know. but on top of his mental health, he's abusing you. he's dangerous for you to be around.
as to the blackmail - he'll likely not do it and even if he does, being disowned is a better outcome than the one it seems like he has in store for you if you were to stay.
posted by nadawi at 9:03 PM on January 8, 2016 [37 favorites]
The official name of the person to ask for at your school is the Title IX Coordinator. That person's job is to help students confidentially in cases like yours (they handle stalking, abusive relationships, domestic violence, sexual assault, etc.).
A bi-polar breakdown is not to be taken lightly when the person is showing psychotic, abusive symptoms. Don't ignore the red flags of manipulative, controlling, intimidating behavior. In your situation, he may be emotionally abusive (which often leads to physical abuse). I've had experiences with bi-polar and emotionally abusive boyfriends, and minimized the red flags like you're doing. It's very common to question your judgment. You're not overreacting. Your situation doesn't sound urgent, but it's wise to put your own needs for safety first.
posted by mountainpeak at 9:09 PM on January 8, 2016 [6 favorites]
A bi-polar breakdown is not to be taken lightly when the person is showing psychotic, abusive symptoms. Don't ignore the red flags of manipulative, controlling, intimidating behavior. In your situation, he may be emotionally abusive (which often leads to physical abuse). I've had experiences with bi-polar and emotionally abusive boyfriends, and minimized the red flags like you're doing. It's very common to question your judgment. You're not overreacting. Your situation doesn't sound urgent, but it's wise to put your own needs for safety first.
posted by mountainpeak at 9:09 PM on January 8, 2016 [6 favorites]
Nthing you did the right thing by trusting your instincts and getting out. This doesn't sound like "just" a manic episode, it does sound like more than that. Regardless of the diagnosis, you don't feel safe and that is the key thing here. Your safety is more important than the risk of him sharing the thing that he knows about you.
It sounds like you lived together? If you have your own place, feel free to move back but get the locks changed if he has a key.
Speak to people at your college or other places (as suggested by other posters) about getting a restraining order. I'm not suggesting you need to get a restraining order now, but if things escalate, then knowing the steps to take makes it easier if it does come to that.
And please, if you have friends or family that you trust, talk to them. Sure, it sounds all crazy and mixed up. But people that love you are there for you. They won't judge you. (They will sure as heck judge him, because that's what friends do). But having someone to talk to is invaluable.
Your safety is the priority here. But it sounds like you care about him a lot and want to help him. And it definitely sounds like he needs help. You don't say how old the daughter is, I'm guessing probably not old enough that she should be expected to help out, but is there any way you can reach out to the daughter's mother? Chances are she's seen this behavior before, but has managed to reach a point where they can co-parent relatively amicably. She may be able to provide an objective perspective, and if it gets to the point where he refuses to get treatment and needs to be sectioned, she may be able to help with that - she has an interest in doing to to keep her daughter safe. Focusing that conversation on the daughter is the best approach, particularly if the relationship is not that amicable. Same goes for the ex-girlfriend (if that's a different person to his daughter's mother).
Be safe. That is the most important thing.
posted by finding.perdita at 9:14 PM on January 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you lived together? If you have your own place, feel free to move back but get the locks changed if he has a key.
Speak to people at your college or other places (as suggested by other posters) about getting a restraining order. I'm not suggesting you need to get a restraining order now, but if things escalate, then knowing the steps to take makes it easier if it does come to that.
And please, if you have friends or family that you trust, talk to them. Sure, it sounds all crazy and mixed up. But people that love you are there for you. They won't judge you. (They will sure as heck judge him, because that's what friends do). But having someone to talk to is invaluable.
Your safety is the priority here. But it sounds like you care about him a lot and want to help him. And it definitely sounds like he needs help. You don't say how old the daughter is, I'm guessing probably not old enough that she should be expected to help out, but is there any way you can reach out to the daughter's mother? Chances are she's seen this behavior before, but has managed to reach a point where they can co-parent relatively amicably. She may be able to provide an objective perspective, and if it gets to the point where he refuses to get treatment and needs to be sectioned, she may be able to help with that - she has an interest in doing to to keep her daughter safe. Focusing that conversation on the daughter is the best approach, particularly if the relationship is not that amicable. Same goes for the ex-girlfriend (if that's a different person to his daughter's mother).
Be safe. That is the most important thing.
posted by finding.perdita at 9:14 PM on January 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Some of what you've shared about this man sounds like psychosis (delusions, hallucinations). That may be part of his bipolar disorder. It's also possible he has schizoaffective disorder and has yet to be diagnosed.
Some of what he says seems like he has a personality disorder. Like blackmailing you. Or sharing graphic details of dreams he had about you that are very disturbing to hear. He is very manipulative and insensitive..but charismatic and he puts on the charm to lure people in. Hallmarks of a personality disorder.
Regardless of which and how many mental health challenges he has, he seems to be untreated. If he were under the regular care of a psychiatrist and therapist, and took his medications (at the very least he needs a mood stabilizer and an anti-psychotic), some of his behavior and the ways he's perceiving things around him would be very different. FYI, it's easier to treat psychosis and mood imbalances than personality disorders.
Being in a relationship with a person who has even one untreated mental health disorder is hard enough. But to be in a relationship with someone who may have multiple untreated disorders is going to put you at risk. At the very least, risk of emotional and psychological abuse. At the very worst, physical harm.
I think you already know you were not safe. Otherwise, you wouldn't have left. Your instinct came from a very primal part of your consciousness - must run, must get away, must get to safety. Trust your gut every time. Questioning your instincts could put you in danger, including in this situation.
This guy is not safe. Be safe. Take care of yourself. And no matter how much he might reach out to you, don't help him or take care of him. If he can't take care of himself, that is not your problem. You must prioritize your mental and physical safety. Please take good care of yourself.
posted by healing xochi at 9:39 PM on January 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
Some of what he says seems like he has a personality disorder. Like blackmailing you. Or sharing graphic details of dreams he had about you that are very disturbing to hear. He is very manipulative and insensitive..but charismatic and he puts on the charm to lure people in. Hallmarks of a personality disorder.
Regardless of which and how many mental health challenges he has, he seems to be untreated. If he were under the regular care of a psychiatrist and therapist, and took his medications (at the very least he needs a mood stabilizer and an anti-psychotic), some of his behavior and the ways he's perceiving things around him would be very different. FYI, it's easier to treat psychosis and mood imbalances than personality disorders.
Being in a relationship with a person who has even one untreated mental health disorder is hard enough. But to be in a relationship with someone who may have multiple untreated disorders is going to put you at risk. At the very least, risk of emotional and psychological abuse. At the very worst, physical harm.
I think you already know you were not safe. Otherwise, you wouldn't have left. Your instinct came from a very primal part of your consciousness - must run, must get away, must get to safety. Trust your gut every time. Questioning your instincts could put you in danger, including in this situation.
This guy is not safe. Be safe. Take care of yourself. And no matter how much he might reach out to you, don't help him or take care of him. If he can't take care of himself, that is not your problem. You must prioritize your mental and physical safety. Please take good care of yourself.
posted by healing xochi at 9:39 PM on January 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
Good that you got out—continue to stay away.
Let your friends know what is happening and what has happened. There is strength in sharing the truth.
But also, this man has a young daughter that is under his roof/control/influence half of the time. If her mother is frequently checking up on him, it may be that she is worried about just such a relapse, his sanity, or whatever.
Make no mistake, his behavior is frightening, and has absolutely no place around a child. I fear for the child’s safety.
I would give mom a come-to-Jesus head’s up as to what’s been going on, letting her know that you’ve moved out because you fear-for-your-life/safety around him.
Mom needs to know, and it may end up saving this child’s life (getting her safely away from an un-hinged man who makes “jokes” about hurting women in deviant ways).
Please contact this un-safe child’s mother.
posted by blueberry at 9:46 PM on January 8, 2016 [46 favorites]
Let your friends know what is happening and what has happened. There is strength in sharing the truth.
But also, this man has a young daughter that is under his roof/control/influence half of the time. If her mother is frequently checking up on him, it may be that she is worried about just such a relapse, his sanity, or whatever.
Make no mistake, his behavior is frightening, and has absolutely no place around a child. I fear for the child’s safety.
I would give mom a come-to-Jesus head’s up as to what’s been going on, letting her know that you’ve moved out because you fear-for-your-life/safety around him.
Mom needs to know, and it may end up saving this child’s life (getting her safely away from an un-hinged man who makes “jokes” about hurting women in deviant ways).
Please contact this un-safe child’s mother.
posted by blueberry at 9:46 PM on January 8, 2016 [46 favorites]
I'd overreact because better safe than sorry.
Change apartments. Let the police know. Let your university know. Cut all contact with him. Cut all social media. Let your friends and family know. Stay sober, aware, alert to and from your car and around town.
Try not to be alone, travel in groups, maybe move to a new place with roommates.
Whatever connection you thought you had with him? Work on forgetting it and moving on to new people/experiences/adventures in your life.
posted by slateyness at 10:18 PM on January 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
Change apartments. Let the police know. Let your university know. Cut all contact with him. Cut all social media. Let your friends and family know. Stay sober, aware, alert to and from your car and around town.
Try not to be alone, travel in groups, maybe move to a new place with roommates.
Whatever connection you thought you had with him? Work on forgetting it and moving on to new people/experiences/adventures in your life.
posted by slateyness at 10:18 PM on January 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
First tell your family the situation. I also am of the belief that you cannot be blackmailed if you come clean first. I cannot think of anything you might have as a secret from your family that is more precious than life itself. Even if you will be disowned so to speak, being alive and disowned is better than dead and loved.
Also, have a plan. Actually several plans or one plan with several alternatives. Know what you are going to do if he shows up at your door. Know what you are going to do if you come home one day and he is waiting for you. Know what you are going to do if he shows up at school. Know what you are going to do if he contacts your parents or school. Know what you are going to do if he starts following you. Have a plan for every contingency no matter how unlikely it is. In times of stress, having a preset plan will really be of help. Have a plan to leave town. Know the bus/train/plane schedule. Have access to emergency funds even if that is simply room on your credit card. If it were me, I would set up a twice a day contact with someone that if I miss it by say 20 minutes, they should take some steps that are also preplanned such as calling the police or coming to your house or something.
I have an internet stalker who used to work with me now 10+ years ago. I went to the police. After a long discussion with them, I purchased a licensed handgun. While I was able to get a carry permit, I do not carry it. I do have it in my house. I will take whatever action is necessary to protect myself and/or my family should this person come to my door (or come on my property at all). While I know guns are not for everyone nor are they a solution to a problem, I suggest finding something you are comfortable with that can be used defensively if necessary. That might be pepper spray, a loud whistle, a baseball bat, a stun gun, whatever you feel comfortable with.
Hopefully, we are all over reacting, but be prepared just in case.
posted by AugustWest at 10:33 PM on January 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
Also, have a plan. Actually several plans or one plan with several alternatives. Know what you are going to do if he shows up at your door. Know what you are going to do if you come home one day and he is waiting for you. Know what you are going to do if he shows up at school. Know what you are going to do if he contacts your parents or school. Know what you are going to do if he starts following you. Have a plan for every contingency no matter how unlikely it is. In times of stress, having a preset plan will really be of help. Have a plan to leave town. Know the bus/train/plane schedule. Have access to emergency funds even if that is simply room on your credit card. If it were me, I would set up a twice a day contact with someone that if I miss it by say 20 minutes, they should take some steps that are also preplanned such as calling the police or coming to your house or something.
I have an internet stalker who used to work with me now 10+ years ago. I went to the police. After a long discussion with them, I purchased a licensed handgun. While I was able to get a carry permit, I do not carry it. I do have it in my house. I will take whatever action is necessary to protect myself and/or my family should this person come to my door (or come on my property at all). While I know guns are not for everyone nor are they a solution to a problem, I suggest finding something you are comfortable with that can be used defensively if necessary. That might be pepper spray, a loud whistle, a baseball bat, a stun gun, whatever you feel comfortable with.
Hopefully, we are all over reacting, but be prepared just in case.
posted by AugustWest at 10:33 PM on January 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
Subtext does mean that he's "saying" that he's a threat to you. You know what you heard; don't force yourself to only interpret his words in an overly simplistic way. Maybe there's a non-zero chance that he isn't telegraphing that some force inside him is compelling him to harm you, but it's a small chance, and the incredibly grave consequences of getting this wrong mean that such a small chance isn't enough.
posted by amtho at 10:57 PM on January 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by amtho at 10:57 PM on January 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
Oh! Finally remembered that important thing I wanted to pass on to you...
"he said that i had 20% battery life left, he says my time is coming soon,"
In most jurisdictions (all?) this is criminal threatening, it's usually a misdemeanor, but pretty much always a crime. Just to give you some perspective you might have missed. It's not like you would know this unless it's happened to you before or you've had a lot of contact with law enforcement or whatever. I just want you to know this is a crime because it's serious. It's actionable legally because sometimes folks who say stuff like this escalate, so "criminal threatening" is a tool law enforcement has to address this sort of stuff before it get out of hand.
I'm not saying you should press charges, or even report it. I am alerting you that this sort of threatening is considered serious under the law. You were right to take precautions to find a safe place to stay while you evaluate the situation.
posted by jbenben at 10:59 PM on January 8, 2016 [22 favorites]
"he said that i had 20% battery life left, he says my time is coming soon,"
In most jurisdictions (all?) this is criminal threatening, it's usually a misdemeanor, but pretty much always a crime. Just to give you some perspective you might have missed. It's not like you would know this unless it's happened to you before or you've had a lot of contact with law enforcement or whatever. I just want you to know this is a crime because it's serious. It's actionable legally because sometimes folks who say stuff like this escalate, so "criminal threatening" is a tool law enforcement has to address this sort of stuff before it get out of hand.
I'm not saying you should press charges, or even report it. I am alerting you that this sort of threatening is considered serious under the law. You were right to take precautions to find a safe place to stay while you evaluate the situation.
posted by jbenben at 10:59 PM on January 8, 2016 [22 favorites]
Please listen to what kanata said. You don't need to get involved in this family's drama.
Trying to protect the daughter could backfire and get you entangled in a big mess. You have no idea if the mother will be receptive to your reaching out. And if the guy finds out, he might try to hurt you.
Disentanglement may be your safest option right now. If you called a domestic violence shelter they would make a safety plan with you, and they would discourage you from contacting this man, or anyone in his family, ever again. They would tell you to block his phone number and email address, and to disconnect from him on social media. To cut all ties.
Sometimes that's the only way to stay safe. Please be safe. Put your safety above everything else. Everything.
posted by healing xochi at 12:19 AM on January 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
Trying to protect the daughter could backfire and get you entangled in a big mess. You have no idea if the mother will be receptive to your reaching out. And if the guy finds out, he might try to hurt you.
Disentanglement may be your safest option right now. If you called a domestic violence shelter they would make a safety plan with you, and they would discourage you from contacting this man, or anyone in his family, ever again. They would tell you to block his phone number and email address, and to disconnect from him on social media. To cut all ties.
Sometimes that's the only way to stay safe. Please be safe. Put your safety above everything else. Everything.
posted by healing xochi at 12:19 AM on January 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
Everyone else has said good things that you should listen to, but I wanted to add a data point about synesthesia. It doesn't really have anything to do with reading auras or feeling some kind of lifetime pull with each other. Synesthesia is basically when multiple sense fire off at once, so you get the phenomena of seeing sound or each letter having its own color or tasting touch or whatever. Stuff that's a little weird but closer to mundane than seeing auras and reading personalities based off them.
posted by divabat at 12:40 AM on January 9, 2016 [27 favorites]
posted by divabat at 12:40 AM on January 9, 2016 [27 favorites]
Your instincts are right. Trust your instincts. This guy is really bad news. Tell your friends and family about him so they know what's up (that way he can't get information about you from them by finding them on Facebook and pretending to still be in a relationship with you). Talk to your advisor at school or a dean at your university and tell them you're worried about your safety. I think in situations like this, it is important for the people around you to be alerted--partly so they can help keep you safe, and partly because I think it's easy to feel ashamed after something like this, like it's your fault somehow, and having people around you to talk with will help you remember that it's not your fault and this dude is both crazy and scary.
Also, just for future reference, this made me think of something:
though I would never admit it to him- that it felt already as if we’d known each other our whole lives. i could read him like a book, and vice versa- we were the same on the inside
Namely, abusive people sometimes do something called mirroring when you are first getting to know them. Here's an article about it from a website called Lovefraud.com. It is talking about sociopaths, but your ex sounds scary enough that I think it's still relevant. I've learned that there is a difference between a real connection with someone, where communicating is easy and natural, but you don't feel like you can see into someone's soul after a week and you notice small differences pretty quickly (they like asparagus and you don't). A faked manipulative connection can feel super-duper over-the-top intense: after a week your partner is saying they've never loved anyone the way they love you, that you're soul mates, that no one has every understood them the way you do now. I have learned to be wary of people who try and convince me that we are exactly alike.
posted by colfax at 1:29 AM on January 9, 2016 [18 favorites]
Also, just for future reference, this made me think of something:
though I would never admit it to him- that it felt already as if we’d known each other our whole lives. i could read him like a book, and vice versa- we were the same on the inside
Namely, abusive people sometimes do something called mirroring when you are first getting to know them. Here's an article about it from a website called Lovefraud.com. It is talking about sociopaths, but your ex sounds scary enough that I think it's still relevant. I've learned that there is a difference between a real connection with someone, where communicating is easy and natural, but you don't feel like you can see into someone's soul after a week and you notice small differences pretty quickly (they like asparagus and you don't). A faked manipulative connection can feel super-duper over-the-top intense: after a week your partner is saying they've never loved anyone the way they love you, that you're soul mates, that no one has every understood them the way you do now. I have learned to be wary of people who try and convince me that we are exactly alike.
posted by colfax at 1:29 AM on January 9, 2016 [18 favorites]
the thing is, he never outright threatened my safety,
You sound like you're questioning your own grasp on reality and the only place your grasp on reality lightens is when you question your grasp on reality.
Your logical brain is right in what it's telling you about every single facet of your question.
Whatever part of yourself is sitting there going 'but I have nightmares sometimes, too....' is a part of yourself that wants to hold on to him because you feel sorry for him or you'e scared or all your friends are hooked up and you're not or you're stressed out and need some comfort. Those parts of yourself are completely valid and have every right to be sitting there weighing in, but in this case you can put logical brain in charge--you're right. Something is wrong. You need to stay away from him, not engage, surround yourself with friends, change your passwords, and stay alert.
Trust your compass. It's pointing north.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:24 AM on January 9, 2016 [5 favorites]
You sound like you're questioning your own grasp on reality and the only place your grasp on reality lightens is when you question your grasp on reality.
Your logical brain is right in what it's telling you about every single facet of your question.
Whatever part of yourself is sitting there going 'but I have nightmares sometimes, too....' is a part of yourself that wants to hold on to him because you feel sorry for him or you'e scared or all your friends are hooked up and you're not or you're stressed out and need some comfort. Those parts of yourself are completely valid and have every right to be sitting there weighing in, but in this case you can put logical brain in charge--you're right. Something is wrong. You need to stay away from him, not engage, surround yourself with friends, change your passwords, and stay alert.
Trust your compass. It's pointing north.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:24 AM on January 9, 2016 [5 favorites]
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. YOU HAVE 100% DEAD-ON INSTINCTS.
Your instincts are saying that something is wrong and you did an amazingly brave thing by listening to them and getting out of the situation.
I can tell from the way you've written the question that you're asking us to confirm your instincts, which is a totally natural thing to do when you're suddenly confronted with anything this out of the ordinary.
What I mean is this: in early and giddy dating days, our brains are using SO MUCH ENERGY categorizing everything new we're taking in about this person. Every single thing about them is new. We try to make sense of them in a way that makes sense to us. We're using a lot of brain power making sense of a new person and when we combine that with great sexual attraction that can warp our perceptions, our primal wiring gets a little overloaded. Examples:
Gourmet cook? We know where to file that. That's something people do and it's a quality we appreciate.
Sometimes stays up all night? That can be worrisome, but we can file that into wait and see and see how it plays out.
Tells you he sees a man inside you? This cannot be filed into a category of things healthy people do. This is something that feels alarming. It IS alarming.
I see you have received excellent advice about what to do next, but I just wanted to jump in and tell you that you did some awesome self-protection. Continue to trust your instincts.
I usually date men who are highly intelligent + highly creative + successful + have a more than a touch of (harmless) madness who love me to death and treat me like a queen.)
Those are the ones my lizard-brain tries to get me to pick, too. My primal brain is attracted to Jim Morrison, Scott Weiland, Jackson Pollock; never Stanley in Accounting.
Moving forward, I hope you will see that while these can be fun people to date, things can go very badly very quickly.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:22 AM on January 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
Your instincts are saying that something is wrong and you did an amazingly brave thing by listening to them and getting out of the situation.
I can tell from the way you've written the question that you're asking us to confirm your instincts, which is a totally natural thing to do when you're suddenly confronted with anything this out of the ordinary.
What I mean is this: in early and giddy dating days, our brains are using SO MUCH ENERGY categorizing everything new we're taking in about this person. Every single thing about them is new. We try to make sense of them in a way that makes sense to us. We're using a lot of brain power making sense of a new person and when we combine that with great sexual attraction that can warp our perceptions, our primal wiring gets a little overloaded. Examples:
Gourmet cook? We know where to file that. That's something people do and it's a quality we appreciate.
Sometimes stays up all night? That can be worrisome, but we can file that into wait and see and see how it plays out.
Tells you he sees a man inside you? This cannot be filed into a category of things healthy people do. This is something that feels alarming. It IS alarming.
I see you have received excellent advice about what to do next, but I just wanted to jump in and tell you that you did some awesome self-protection. Continue to trust your instincts.
I usually date men who are highly intelligent + highly creative + successful + have a more than a touch of (harmless) madness who love me to death and treat me like a queen.)
Those are the ones my lizard-brain tries to get me to pick, too. My primal brain is attracted to Jim Morrison, Scott Weiland, Jackson Pollock; never Stanley in Accounting.
Moving forward, I hope you will see that while these can be fun people to date, things can go very badly very quickly.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:22 AM on January 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
Please trust your instincts and get out of this relationship NOW, and you may need to get over your aversion to calling the police if he persists in trying to contact you. Someone previously mentioned that this sounds like a psychotic break, and a person in that state may not even know who you are when he attacks. His delusions have taken over his mind and are more real to him than anything you can say or do. Your first responsibility is to keep yourself safe. There is nothing you can do for him in that condition, he needs to be restrained and put where he cannot hurt you or anyone else.
Many years ago I was briefly involved with a guy who later went over the edge into a psychotic break, started calling me and making threats and anti-semitic slurs about my current boyfriend, who had even let him stay at our place when he was homeless but more sane. I was terrified of the guy, who eventually was arrested and committed for viciously attacking his own mother.
A close friend repeatedly got involved with guys like this, who were always "perfect" at the start and so devoted and they were soul mates etc until they turned on her. I feared for her life with several of her boyfriends, and a husband whom she was lucky to escape. She never did learn, got involved with the same type again and again, and now is old and ill and alone. You need to not only ditch this guy but learn why you are attracted to this destructive abusive type so it does not happen again and again. You are young, you can change. Right now you need to trust your instincts and cut this man out of your life and stay safe.
posted by mermayd at 4:24 AM on January 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Many years ago I was briefly involved with a guy who later went over the edge into a psychotic break, started calling me and making threats and anti-semitic slurs about my current boyfriend, who had even let him stay at our place when he was homeless but more sane. I was terrified of the guy, who eventually was arrested and committed for viciously attacking his own mother.
A close friend repeatedly got involved with guys like this, who were always "perfect" at the start and so devoted and they were soul mates etc until they turned on her. I feared for her life with several of her boyfriends, and a husband whom she was lucky to escape. She never did learn, got involved with the same type again and again, and now is old and ill and alone. You need to not only ditch this guy but learn why you are attracted to this destructive abusive type so it does not happen again and again. You are young, you can change. Right now you need to trust your instincts and cut this man out of your life and stay safe.
posted by mermayd at 4:24 AM on January 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
What was the context of him threatening to blackmail you? Think about that and know you've made the right decision in seeing him as a threat.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:03 AM on January 9, 2016
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:03 AM on January 9, 2016
As others have said, this is an abusive relationship, this guy has serious mental health problems and you are well out of it.
Yes, mentally ill people need love too, but that doesn't mean that you have to be the one seeking them out. There are also some ground rules, the most important being that the person is compliant with meds and checking in with appropriate mental health professionals. Your guy isn't one of these folks, is he?
You seem to romanticize mental illness, and while many of us are in long term relationships with someone with a mental illness, the fact that you're seeking them out and actually seeing madness as a positive attribute suggests to me that you're a bit of a drama llama. Please speak to someone at your school about why you're drawn to people like this, because, as you've experienced, sometimes that madness isn't so nice.
Go back home, change your locks, change your email, change your telephone number. Tell people that you're concerned for your safety and have them be on the lookout for this guy, should he come skulking around. You might also want to apply for a retraining order, based on his threats to you.
If that seems extreme, it isn't. It is the natural consequence for threatening someone with whom you are in an intimate relationship. Rest assured, you have been threatened. You have a right to be concerned. But call a domestic abuse hotline and discuss it with them, they'll help you with resources.
Now, my largest concern is for his daughter. Please call your local Department of Children and Families, or whatever it's called in your jurisdiction and let them know that she is in danger. Explain what you experienced and tell them that you think that he's not on his meds, that he's having a psychotic break and that he is dangerous. Leave his Ex out of it. You don't even have to tell them your name. Hopefully they'll investigate and give her mother a heads-up.
Take care.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:15 AM on January 9, 2016 [10 favorites]
Yes, mentally ill people need love too, but that doesn't mean that you have to be the one seeking them out. There are also some ground rules, the most important being that the person is compliant with meds and checking in with appropriate mental health professionals. Your guy isn't one of these folks, is he?
You seem to romanticize mental illness, and while many of us are in long term relationships with someone with a mental illness, the fact that you're seeking them out and actually seeing madness as a positive attribute suggests to me that you're a bit of a drama llama. Please speak to someone at your school about why you're drawn to people like this, because, as you've experienced, sometimes that madness isn't so nice.
Go back home, change your locks, change your email, change your telephone number. Tell people that you're concerned for your safety and have them be on the lookout for this guy, should he come skulking around. You might also want to apply for a retraining order, based on his threats to you.
If that seems extreme, it isn't. It is the natural consequence for threatening someone with whom you are in an intimate relationship. Rest assured, you have been threatened. You have a right to be concerned. But call a domestic abuse hotline and discuss it with them, they'll help you with resources.
Now, my largest concern is for his daughter. Please call your local Department of Children and Families, or whatever it's called in your jurisdiction and let them know that she is in danger. Explain what you experienced and tell them that you think that he's not on his meds, that he's having a psychotic break and that he is dangerous. Leave his Ex out of it. You don't even have to tell them your name. Hopefully they'll investigate and give her mother a heads-up.
Take care.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:15 AM on January 9, 2016 [10 favorites]
Hey. I'm proud of you for asking this and for doing the hard thing and starting to walk away. Your gut is right.
Your next step is to call your local domestic violence shelter. They're experts. You can also call the national domestic violence hotline. They are amazing and skilled at helping women in your shoes. 1-800-799-7233.
I was in a similar situation. My university did fuck-all to help me. They are not on your side the way a domestic violence shelter is. They see this kind of thing and think about how it might cause the school a problem. A DV counselor exists solely to help women in your exact situation. To help you.
I'm sorry. I understand. Leaving my ex was the worst and hardest thing I've ever done. But life is much safer without him. Even though my ex has a lot of dirt on me and a lot of evidence that he could use to ruin my career and my life, he didn't. And if he had, I would still be alive. Life would go on. Being disowned would be terrible, but being killed by your violent sociopath of an ex would be far worse. It's worth the risk.
Take care. I am thinking of you.
posted by sockermom at 6:42 AM on January 9, 2016 [11 favorites]
Your next step is to call your local domestic violence shelter. They're experts. You can also call the national domestic violence hotline. They are amazing and skilled at helping women in your shoes. 1-800-799-7233.
I was in a similar situation. My university did fuck-all to help me. They are not on your side the way a domestic violence shelter is. They see this kind of thing and think about how it might cause the school a problem. A DV counselor exists solely to help women in your exact situation. To help you.
I'm sorry. I understand. Leaving my ex was the worst and hardest thing I've ever done. But life is much safer without him. Even though my ex has a lot of dirt on me and a lot of evidence that he could use to ruin my career and my life, he didn't. And if he had, I would still be alive. Life would go on. Being disowned would be terrible, but being killed by your violent sociopath of an ex would be far worse. It's worth the risk.
Take care. I am thinking of you.
posted by sockermom at 6:42 AM on January 9, 2016 [11 favorites]
the thing is, he never outright threatened my safety
OP, I think you may have written this question in the hopes that we would tell you that you are overreacting but that you already know what your very perceptive gut is telling you. You wrote a very long and articulate description of your situation; there is no small detail that everyone is overlooking that means we and you are wrong about the situation.
Over the years there have been many, many generous MeFites who have shared their own personal stories that are just like yours to help other women avoid potential dangers and I urge you to listen to them here. It's rare that Ask falls in line with unanimous responses but when it does it is serious. I'm so sorry you are going through this but please, please listen to the people here and listen to your gut. You know exactly what is happening and are brave to be finding a way out.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:51 AM on January 9, 2016 [8 favorites]
OP, I think you may have written this question in the hopes that we would tell you that you are overreacting but that you already know what your very perceptive gut is telling you. You wrote a very long and articulate description of your situation; there is no small detail that everyone is overlooking that means we and you are wrong about the situation.
Over the years there have been many, many generous MeFites who have shared their own personal stories that are just like yours to help other women avoid potential dangers and I urge you to listen to them here. It's rare that Ask falls in line with unanimous responses but when it does it is serious. I'm so sorry you are going through this but please, please listen to the people here and listen to your gut. You know exactly what is happening and are brave to be finding a way out.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:51 AM on January 9, 2016 [8 favorites]
The thing about not "outright" threatening is that this is a deliberate strategy: he gets to intimidate you while making it harder for you to go to other people and tell them you were threatened.
To add to all the other sound advice, get hold of a copy of The Gift Of Fear.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 9:38 AM on January 9, 2016 [9 favorites]
To add to all the other sound advice, get hold of a copy of The Gift Of Fear.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 9:38 AM on January 9, 2016 [9 favorites]
he sees energy auras around people. I looked it up, and apparently this is actually a thing, it’s called ‘Synthesia’
divabat did a great job already covering this, but I just wanted to add that I think that's an extra-red red flag that he would have delusions/hallucinations and try to claim that had anything to do with synaesthesia. I personally would find the delusion there extra-scary.
posted by kmennie at 10:07 AM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
divabat did a great job already covering this, but I just wanted to add that I think that's an extra-red red flag that he would have delusions/hallucinations and try to claim that had anything to do with synaesthesia. I personally would find the delusion there extra-scary.
posted by kmennie at 10:07 AM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
I can't go to the police for personal reasons
Is this because of your "horrible secret"? Did you do something illegal? You can call the DV lines that people mentioned above anonymously. I'm not sure what would get you disowned - let's say you stole money from a family member - but it's better than being dead.
I can't talk to anyone in my life about this because I'm afraid of how insane this situation looks.
There are lots of people in this thread who have had similar experiences. I guarantee that there is someone close to you that has been in an abusive or otherwise scary situation. Silence will not help you here. You need a support network, you need people watching out for you. You don't have to spill every single detail you've told us here (for example, your sex life), but people need to know that this man is dangerous and they should watch out for him.
posted by desjardins at 10:13 AM on January 9, 2016 [11 favorites]
Is this because of your "horrible secret"? Did you do something illegal? You can call the DV lines that people mentioned above anonymously. I'm not sure what would get you disowned - let's say you stole money from a family member - but it's better than being dead.
I can't talk to anyone in my life about this because I'm afraid of how insane this situation looks.
There are lots of people in this thread who have had similar experiences. I guarantee that there is someone close to you that has been in an abusive or otherwise scary situation. Silence will not help you here. You need a support network, you need people watching out for you. You don't have to spill every single detail you've told us here (for example, your sex life), but people need to know that this man is dangerous and they should watch out for him.
posted by desjardins at 10:13 AM on January 9, 2016 [11 favorites]
There are lots of really great people out there who have mental illness, including bipolar disorder. One of the things that often distinguishes them is that they seek and pursue treatment when that is appropriate, and they take symptoms of psychosis seriously because they are very serious symptoms, and often terrifying to experience. It sounds like this guy is not getting the help he needs and that the symptoms he is experiencing are making him more aggressive. I know you want to think you are overreacting, but you're not - he could hurt you, he could kill you, he may not have said in so many words that he is going to do this but it sounds like that's because he's smart. He's certainly said it indirectly and he has overtly threatened to blackmail you - he is trying to control you. He is emotionally manipulative. One of the unfortunate features of many abusive people is that they can be very magnetic and charming, you feel that instant connection, they make out that they're vulnerable and need you oh so much, and then once you're sucked in, the abuse starts. The link above from colfax is exactly on point (ask me how I know).
Stay away from him. Tell people around you that he's threatening you and making things up about you. Get your locks changed if you ever gave him a key or left him alone with your keys. Let your landlord know that he's threatening you. All of the above advice about getting help from a DV group or shelter is really solid.
Stay safe.
posted by bile and syntax at 11:46 AM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
Stay away from him. Tell people around you that he's threatening you and making things up about you. Get your locks changed if you ever gave him a key or left him alone with your keys. Let your landlord know that he's threatening you. All of the above advice about getting help from a DV group or shelter is really solid.
Stay safe.
posted by bile and syntax at 11:46 AM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
Anyone threatening to blackmail you does not love you and is willing to harm you.
I was briefly involved with someone who had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I wrote out somewhere what went down with that. If you want that story, you can memail me. I can dig it up and send you a copy.
The short version: He willfully deceived me in a manner that was a danger to my health and he knew it, then tried to take this weird ass position that willfully deceiving me was somehow morally upstanding because it didn't involve lying. He also told me "If it was that important to you, you should have asked." Uh, no. Wrong answer. When someone is willfully deceiving you, point blank asking doesn't solve the problem. Also, I don't want and cannot afford to have someone close to me who is willing to knowingly and intentionally endanger my health in order to try to get laid. I need people around me who will actively check if x, y or z is okay out of deference to my serious health problems. It is the only hope I have of being okay.
So, yes, he was a brilliant man and he had some fine qualities and I really liked him, but willful endangerment is a dealbreaker. Your guy is willing to harm you. He has already told you that by threatening blackmail. I am trying to say I sympathize with your confusion. This man was a master of mental gymnastics and could be very convincing. I had to seek outside help to get clarity and also put my foot down about no, really, we are done. I feel like I am normally pretty clear headed about things like that, so I really sympathize. But he is a threat to you and that is the most important detail here.
posted by Michele in California at 12:29 PM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
I was briefly involved with someone who had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I wrote out somewhere what went down with that. If you want that story, you can memail me. I can dig it up and send you a copy.
The short version: He willfully deceived me in a manner that was a danger to my health and he knew it, then tried to take this weird ass position that willfully deceiving me was somehow morally upstanding because it didn't involve lying. He also told me "If it was that important to you, you should have asked." Uh, no. Wrong answer. When someone is willfully deceiving you, point blank asking doesn't solve the problem. Also, I don't want and cannot afford to have someone close to me who is willing to knowingly and intentionally endanger my health in order to try to get laid. I need people around me who will actively check if x, y or z is okay out of deference to my serious health problems. It is the only hope I have of being okay.
So, yes, he was a brilliant man and he had some fine qualities and I really liked him, but willful endangerment is a dealbreaker. Your guy is willing to harm you. He has already told you that by threatening blackmail. I am trying to say I sympathize with your confusion. This man was a master of mental gymnastics and could be very convincing. I had to seek outside help to get clarity and also put my foot down about no, really, we are done. I feel like I am normally pretty clear headed about things like that, so I really sympathize. But he is a threat to you and that is the most important detail here.
posted by Michele in California at 12:29 PM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
I work with people with psychotic disorders, and I do want to say that simply having hallucinations or delusions, even refusing treatment for hallucinations and delusions, does not automatically make someone dangerous to themselves or others.
The specific things this man has done and said to you, however, are red flags that he may be dangerous. This situation doesn't have to be a statement about mental illness in general; you can evaluate the situation based on its particulars, and those particulars sound scary and dangerous.
posted by jaguar at 12:36 PM on January 9, 2016 [12 favorites]
The specific things this man has done and said to you, however, are red flags that he may be dangerous. This situation doesn't have to be a statement about mental illness in general; you can evaluate the situation based on its particulars, and those particulars sound scary and dangerous.
posted by jaguar at 12:36 PM on January 9, 2016 [12 favorites]
It sounds to me like he is testing you to see how far you are already separated from your gut instincts and your support group. He is checking to see if you are helpless enough yet to become his victim. I've been through this, myself. You did the right thing, you trusted your instincts and got yourself to safety. Please continue to take this very seriously. This is real and this is potentially very bad. Do follow the excellent advice here. In particular make a plan for every contingency you can think of, tell people around you what is going on, call a domestic violence hot line for help and resources (more help may exist than you think be it financial or otherwise) and no mater what, NO CONTACT WITH HIM WHAT SO EVER! If it were me I'd go right away and see if I could get a restraining order, except it probably won't be called a restraining order, it will probably be called A Temporary Injunction For Protection Against Domestic Violence. This can be made permanent so don't let the 'Temporary' part put you off. Some forms of aid can be dependent on you having one of these so go now! Abusers often pick people without good access to resources that most other people have; for example they pick people who don't for whatever reason, have close ties with family, or people who don't have lots of financial resources. It's important to take advantage of every resource that you can right now. Law enforcement is part of your resources, don't be afraid to contact them. I don't think they would use this as an opportunity to nab you for anything else illegal going on in your life. They certainly didn't in my case and they could have.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 3:18 PM on January 9, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 3:18 PM on January 9, 2016 [6 favorites]
I would personally not be literally afraid for my safety, but this guy clearly does need help. He is having a schizophrenic episode and needs to be on the appropriate meds. If you can convince him to see a doc, that would be a good thing. Whether he will listen is up in the air, but one can hope. Statistically speaking, he is much more likely to be victimized in his present state than he is to harm anyone else. Not that that means it is safe to be around him, since he is not a statistic, but is an actual human being.
Unless he is attempting to stalk you or is directly threatening you and has the means to harm you this is not a police thing, it is a medical thing. He is very likely to come to serious physical harm if he is unnecessarily put in contact with the police. (At least if you are in the US) If you find yourself in a situation where you are likely to come to physical harm at this person's hand, by all means call them, but otherwise work on convincing him to see a psychiatrist. Hopefully his feeling that you understand him and are looking out for his best interests will allow him to see that it is for the best.
One of my best friends ended up having a similar episode of paranoid schizophrenia and was pretty out there for a couple of months before I managed to convince him to get help. Despite thinking that his neighbors were intentionally saying rather disturbing things about him in a way calculated to ensure he could hear them, he was not actually a danger to them. Thankfully, he both understands that the voices he hears are not real and is usually willing to take his meds to keep them under control. What worries me about your guy is that he seems to think that his hallucinations are both real and a gift. Hopefully if he gets on meds for a while and gets therapy he can come to realize that they are neither.
To me, he sounds more desperate than violent. Amongst the mentally ill, threats of blackmail aren't terribly uncommon and usually are an attempt to avoid abandonment rather than any kind of actual threat. In their desperation to avoid being abandoned by their social circle they resort to such things as it seems to them to be the only way to keep from being left for dead.
Do be wary, but at the same time don't overreact. And if he refuses to get help, cut him off for your own sanity. You can't save someone who is trying to drag you down with them, but I think this guy is salvageable, even if your relationship is not.
posted by wierdo at 9:28 PM on January 9, 2016
Unless he is attempting to stalk you or is directly threatening you and has the means to harm you this is not a police thing, it is a medical thing. He is very likely to come to serious physical harm if he is unnecessarily put in contact with the police. (At least if you are in the US) If you find yourself in a situation where you are likely to come to physical harm at this person's hand, by all means call them, but otherwise work on convincing him to see a psychiatrist. Hopefully his feeling that you understand him and are looking out for his best interests will allow him to see that it is for the best.
One of my best friends ended up having a similar episode of paranoid schizophrenia and was pretty out there for a couple of months before I managed to convince him to get help. Despite thinking that his neighbors were intentionally saying rather disturbing things about him in a way calculated to ensure he could hear them, he was not actually a danger to them. Thankfully, he both understands that the voices he hears are not real and is usually willing to take his meds to keep them under control. What worries me about your guy is that he seems to think that his hallucinations are both real and a gift. Hopefully if he gets on meds for a while and gets therapy he can come to realize that they are neither.
To me, he sounds more desperate than violent. Amongst the mentally ill, threats of blackmail aren't terribly uncommon and usually are an attempt to avoid abandonment rather than any kind of actual threat. In their desperation to avoid being abandoned by their social circle they resort to such things as it seems to them to be the only way to keep from being left for dead.
Do be wary, but at the same time don't overreact. And if he refuses to get help, cut him off for your own sanity. You can't save someone who is trying to drag you down with them, but I think this guy is salvageable, even if your relationship is not.
posted by wierdo at 9:28 PM on January 9, 2016
He might be salvageable, but it's not necessarily your job to do the salvaging.
I think your instincts are spot on. I think you should continue to do what you need to do to keep yourself safe, first and foremost. There are several good suggestions above.
For reference, I've been with someone long term who has mental illness issues, including auditory hallucinations. As Ruthless Bunny said above, one of the ground rules is that he needs to be on meds and actively working to keep himself as healthy as possible. He also has never threatened me, threatened to blackmail me, or scared me the way I was scared for you when reading what you wrote.
Put your own oxygen mask on first.
posted by RogueTech at 10:11 PM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think your instincts are spot on. I think you should continue to do what you need to do to keep yourself safe, first and foremost. There are several good suggestions above.
For reference, I've been with someone long term who has mental illness issues, including auditory hallucinations. As Ruthless Bunny said above, one of the ground rules is that he needs to be on meds and actively working to keep himself as healthy as possible. He also has never threatened me, threatened to blackmail me, or scared me the way I was scared for you when reading what you wrote.
Put your own oxygen mask on first.
posted by RogueTech at 10:11 PM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
he sees energy auras around people. I looked it up, and apparently this is actually a thing, it’s called ‘Synthesia’
I've had this all my life, and for me at least, it's not synesthesia. It's an aspect of the visual snow that I've had ever since I can remember. The outlines that I can see around people (and dogs, and flatware, and fruit, and every-goddamn-thing) can vary in size, shape, density, and color, but those variations have absolutely nothing to do with the "energy" of anything, and they never, ever feel like they do. It's just that my vision's got this weird-- stuff-- in it. If I pay attention to the visual snow, it can become quite pronounced, but if I don't focus on it, it just recedes into the background. Though it does give me cruddier-than-average night vision, in the light, I can quite easily read small text through it, work under a microscope through it, etc. Its impact on my life is near nil-- which is fortunate, because there is no proven treatment for it.
The formal things he's saying about the images he sees sound very much to me like descriptions of visual snow-- indeed, I've seen both auras and persistent, roughly person-sized, oblong afterimages within last week-- but here's the crucial difference: Generally speaking, folks who aren't having other issues don't interpret their visual snow the way he is. Instead, they tend to read it medically, in terms of migraine visuals, floaters, psychedelic flashbacks, etc. Sometimes they wonder if they're having strokes or other neurological problems, because (and this is another crucial difference) it doesn't have an inherent emotional dimension. (That isn't to say that people don't get irritated or freaked out by their visual snow, especially when they have an adult onset and don't understand what's going on, but it doesn't act directly on the emotions the way, say, a hormonal imbalance might.)
It sounds to me (a layperson without any medical training whatsoever) like he's got some other mental health issue(s), and it's causing him to ascribe mystical and paranoiac qualities to visual snow. And assuming that's right, my guess is that if he didn't have visual snow to focus on, he'd be investing something else in his world with those mystical/paranoiac qualities-- sounds that come through the walls of his apartment, the play of light through his blinds, the way people on the bus look at him, etc.
So regardless of what's going on with his eyesight, you have every reason to worry about the paranoia, the veiled threats, and all the rest. Whether it's synesthesia, visual snow, some dread amoebic eyeball parasite, or pure confabulation, it does not give him a pass. He is behaving in an extremely frightening way, and you're doing the exact, right thing by staying far, far away.
Congratulations on trusting your instincts and taking steps to keep yourself safe.
And second the recommendations to phone your local domestic violence shelter. The people working the hotline will help you with safety planning, which is the process of carefully thinking through what you'll do if you encounter him at your home, at school, at the store, etc. Safety planning is absolutely invaluable, and you need to do it as soon as possible.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:16 AM on January 10, 2016 [8 favorites]
I've had this all my life, and for me at least, it's not synesthesia. It's an aspect of the visual snow that I've had ever since I can remember. The outlines that I can see around people (and dogs, and flatware, and fruit, and every-goddamn-thing) can vary in size, shape, density, and color, but those variations have absolutely nothing to do with the "energy" of anything, and they never, ever feel like they do. It's just that my vision's got this weird-- stuff-- in it. If I pay attention to the visual snow, it can become quite pronounced, but if I don't focus on it, it just recedes into the background. Though it does give me cruddier-than-average night vision, in the light, I can quite easily read small text through it, work under a microscope through it, etc. Its impact on my life is near nil-- which is fortunate, because there is no proven treatment for it.
The formal things he's saying about the images he sees sound very much to me like descriptions of visual snow-- indeed, I've seen both auras and persistent, roughly person-sized, oblong afterimages within last week-- but here's the crucial difference: Generally speaking, folks who aren't having other issues don't interpret their visual snow the way he is. Instead, they tend to read it medically, in terms of migraine visuals, floaters, psychedelic flashbacks, etc. Sometimes they wonder if they're having strokes or other neurological problems, because (and this is another crucial difference) it doesn't have an inherent emotional dimension. (That isn't to say that people don't get irritated or freaked out by their visual snow, especially when they have an adult onset and don't understand what's going on, but it doesn't act directly on the emotions the way, say, a hormonal imbalance might.)
It sounds to me (a layperson without any medical training whatsoever) like he's got some other mental health issue(s), and it's causing him to ascribe mystical and paranoiac qualities to visual snow. And assuming that's right, my guess is that if he didn't have visual snow to focus on, he'd be investing something else in his world with those mystical/paranoiac qualities-- sounds that come through the walls of his apartment, the play of light through his blinds, the way people on the bus look at him, etc.
So regardless of what's going on with his eyesight, you have every reason to worry about the paranoia, the veiled threats, and all the rest. Whether it's synesthesia, visual snow, some dread amoebic eyeball parasite, or pure confabulation, it does not give him a pass. He is behaving in an extremely frightening way, and you're doing the exact, right thing by staying far, far away.
Congratulations on trusting your instincts and taking steps to keep yourself safe.
And second the recommendations to phone your local domestic violence shelter. The people working the hotline will help you with safety planning, which is the process of carefully thinking through what you'll do if you encounter him at your home, at school, at the store, etc. Safety planning is absolutely invaluable, and you need to do it as soon as possible.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:16 AM on January 10, 2016 [8 favorites]
I can't talk to anyone in my life about this because I'm afraid of how insane this situation looks.
In addition to all of the good advice above, I wanted to address this. You can and should tell people in your life about this. If you think it sounds insane in the details, you don't have to share the details, but for your own safety you need the support and awareness of the people around you. "Joe is having mental health issues and isn't safe to be around right now" is a perfectly fine thing to say. You can add "Please help me avoid him by X, Y and Z and don't give him any of my details without checking in with me first" if you think that's helpful with specific people.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:26 AM on January 10, 2016 [9 favorites]
In addition to all of the good advice above, I wanted to address this. You can and should tell people in your life about this. If you think it sounds insane in the details, you don't have to share the details, but for your own safety you need the support and awareness of the people around you. "Joe is having mental health issues and isn't safe to be around right now" is a perfectly fine thing to say. You can add "Please help me avoid him by X, Y and Z and don't give him any of my details without checking in with me first" if you think that's helpful with specific people.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:26 AM on January 10, 2016 [9 favorites]
Wierdo, from all described by the OP it is not her job at this point to urge this person to get help or go to a doctor or to protect him in any way; she needs to cut all ties with him and keep herself safe. Some mentally ill people can and do harm and kill others. Look at recent mass shooter incidents that were not terrorism. Statistics mean nothing when you are the person being targeted for domestic violence for whatever reason, mental illness included. Also agreeing with everyone who said to tell others in her life what is happening and get in touch with a domestic violence hotline and proceed from there to take care of herself.
Nephilim, can you let us know you are ok?
posted by mermayd at 4:12 AM on January 10, 2016 [9 favorites]
Nephilim, can you let us know you are ok?
posted by mermayd at 4:12 AM on January 10, 2016 [9 favorites]
I can't talk to anyone in my life about this because I'm afraid of how insane this situation looks.
You can and you should. Please listen. I was married for 17 years and had 3 kids with a guy who was mostly okay. I was an elected official, I had a serious GROWN UP JOB.
In the last year of my marriage, my husband started to change and became abusive.
Like you, I couldn't tell anyone because I knew how insane the situation looked and I was married to this guy for 17 years.
I'm cutting a lot, a lot, A LOT, out, but my point is that I did eventually tell people and their only responses were kindness and support.
People will help and people will care. Never, ever be afraid of how insane a situation looks to others. Ask for help when you need it.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:19 AM on January 10, 2016 [7 favorites]
You can and you should. Please listen. I was married for 17 years and had 3 kids with a guy who was mostly okay. I was an elected official, I had a serious GROWN UP JOB.
In the last year of my marriage, my husband started to change and became abusive.
Like you, I couldn't tell anyone because I knew how insane the situation looked and I was married to this guy for 17 years.
I'm cutting a lot, a lot, A LOT, out, but my point is that I did eventually tell people and their only responses were kindness and support.
People will help and people will care. Never, ever be afraid of how insane a situation looks to others. Ask for help when you need it.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:19 AM on January 10, 2016 [7 favorites]
Statistically speaking, he is much more likely to be victimized in his present state than he is to harm anyone else.
This is a common misunderstanding of how statistics work.
J. Random Patient is much more likely to be victimized than to harm anyone else.
This guy is threatening to harm the OP, making it much more likely that he will harm the OP.
posted by tel3path at 4:22 AM on January 10, 2016 [28 favorites]
This is a common misunderstanding of how statistics work.
J. Random Patient is much more likely to be victimized than to harm anyone else.
This guy is threatening to harm the OP, making it much more likely that he will harm the OP.
posted by tel3path at 4:22 AM on January 10, 2016 [28 favorites]
Chiming in with almost everyone else: No, you are not overreacting! This situation sounds scary, and your instincts are good. I think there is a combination of mental illness and abusive behavior happening here, and you were smart to react as you did. It's OK to have compassion for his suffering, but it is NOT your job to fix this dude.
You're dealing with something even more extreme, but I thought this excellent Captain Awkward post was relevant to your situation. The guy you're dealing with sounds so, so much like what she's describing. Speaking from personal experience: abusive behavior isn't just scary, it's also bewildering, especially the first time you encounter it. It's really helpful to frame it as part of a pattern of behavior, instead of isolated, confusing incidents. All the best of luck to you.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 11:22 AM on January 10, 2016
You're dealing with something even more extreme, but I thought this excellent Captain Awkward post was relevant to your situation. The guy you're dealing with sounds so, so much like what she's describing. Speaking from personal experience: abusive behavior isn't just scary, it's also bewildering, especially the first time you encounter it. It's really helpful to frame it as part of a pattern of behavior, instead of isolated, confusing incidents. All the best of luck to you.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 11:22 AM on January 10, 2016
You sound like you feel conflicted about this guy, and that's understandable. There are obviously ways in which he's good and kind and fun: otherwise you wouldn't have enjoyed the three months you've spent together.
So listen. You don't need to hate him or repudiate the relationship. You don't need to believe he's being deliberately manipulative or predatory or abusive. There is nothing wrong with you for enjoying the time you've spent with him. He is probably a lovely person in many ways. Still, it sounds like he is suffering from delusions that make him dangerous to you.
"He also has been telling me these past weeks to be careful for my own safety." What could be clearer? There is obviously a part of him that is as worried as you are. Believe him, stay away from him, and go no contact. [...] The part of him that loves you and is healthy doesn't want you to be hurt. So please, stay the hell away.
I think BellaDonna is right that he is warning you because he is afraid he is going to hurt you. You are right to be frightened and you need to protect yourself. He is telling you explicitly: he isn't safe for you.
Nthing people who are telling you to involve others so they can help you. Go no contact. Read The Gift of Fear. You might also find something useful here or here or here. Please also try to see if you can access counselling through your school: it would probably help you to have somebody to talk this through with.
posted by Susan PG at 12:24 PM on January 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
So listen. You don't need to hate him or repudiate the relationship. You don't need to believe he's being deliberately manipulative or predatory or abusive. There is nothing wrong with you for enjoying the time you've spent with him. He is probably a lovely person in many ways. Still, it sounds like he is suffering from delusions that make him dangerous to you.
"He also has been telling me these past weeks to be careful for my own safety." What could be clearer? There is obviously a part of him that is as worried as you are. Believe him, stay away from him, and go no contact. [...] The part of him that loves you and is healthy doesn't want you to be hurt. So please, stay the hell away.
I think BellaDonna is right that he is warning you because he is afraid he is going to hurt you. You are right to be frightened and you need to protect yourself. He is telling you explicitly: he isn't safe for you.
Nthing people who are telling you to involve others so they can help you. Go no contact. Read The Gift of Fear. You might also find something useful here or here or here. Please also try to see if you can access counselling through your school: it would probably help you to have somebody to talk this through with.
posted by Susan PG at 12:24 PM on January 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
Reiterating what darlingbri said above - please, please let the people in your life know that:
- this person is no longer your boyfriend
- he is not welcome anywhere near you, or to any information about you or your whereabouts, and
- you believe that he may intend you harm
How long can you afford to stay at the AirBNB? Is it a long-term stay? How secure is your apartment that you left?
I am so glad to hear that you took it seriously. Please keep records of any time that he tries to contact you and screenshot recent text messages. You may end up needing those. Post an update if you can.
posted by amicamentis at 8:44 AM on January 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
- this person is no longer your boyfriend
- he is not welcome anywhere near you, or to any information about you or your whereabouts, and
- you believe that he may intend you harm
How long can you afford to stay at the AirBNB? Is it a long-term stay? How secure is your apartment that you left?
I am so glad to hear that you took it seriously. Please keep records of any time that he tries to contact you and screenshot recent text messages. You may end up needing those. Post an update if you can.
posted by amicamentis at 8:44 AM on January 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: am ok, pulled through, no need to worry anymore. thank you, everyone who helped out, you're all very kind.
posted by nephilim. at 9:51 AM on February 13, 2016 [13 favorites]
posted by nephilim. at 9:51 AM on February 13, 2016 [13 favorites]
Glad to hear you're ok! Thanks for checking in.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 10:21 AM on February 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 10:21 AM on February 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Good to hear. I was checking this thread just yesterday, wondering if you were ok.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:35 PM on February 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:35 PM on February 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
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posted by FritoKAL at 7:52 PM on January 8, 2016 [25 favorites]