How hard should I try to fit in at my new job?
December 22, 2015 1:04 PM
I've been told I'm introverted and people are afraid I'm judging them.
I started a new job about 2 months ago. It's a small independent company in the entertainment industry, which has about 20 employees and we work in an open-concept office.
As you can see from my previous questions, I have a lot of social anxiety and I'm also just introverted. I love having long conversations with close friends, but I find it hard to open up to people I've just met, especially in a work setting.
The work culture initially struck me as really positive, upbeat and supportive. Everyone seems to genuinely care about each other and work together collaboratively. Funnily enough, I seem to have a problem with this.
One thing that is hard, is that most staff members have known each other for 10+ years. So they spend the whole day bantering back and forth effortlessly. I usually sit there quietly and try to smile when someone tells a joke, but I'm still feeling pretty shy there. Sure, i talk to other people, but I'm mainly stressed out about getting my work done so I feel like I'm putting up an effort not to get distracted during the day. I've tried to be as helpful as possible and do a good job with my work, and both of my supervisors who i work with on a regular basis have given me great feedback.
There was an office Christmas party a few weeks ago, a huge event involving 2 companies, and I was not feeling well that day and wasn't able to go. I'm sure this caused a bad impression of me. So i jumped at the chance to redeem myself when our bosses invited us over for dinner last Friday. Unfortunately i found this party extremely uncomfortable, as everyone was grilling me with questions all night. At one point, our executive producer was like, "oh, i get it, you're introverted. But you're not judging us, right?' And another woman said, she felt she was being judged as well and there seemed to be a consensus on that point.
After that I felt extremely awkward at the party and eventually left alone. And now the past few days I can't get it out of my mind. I'm feeling angry, frustrated and of course anxious about it and I don't know what to do. I never intended to or believed I was giving off a judgy vibe. The only thing I can think of is that during the day, many people and visitors are coming in and out of the small room where we work, and often are walking past me or having conversations around my desk. I usually try to ignore these occurences because I'm trying to get work done, so maybe I offended someone that way.
Can anyone who works in a small independent company in the arts offer any advice about this?
Am I wrong to not engage in conversations throughout the day which do not concern me or my work? Is this just a situation of a bad fit? How can I motivate myself to return to a place where my personality is seen as a hindrance? Or, is there a way I can not take this personally and not freak out about not fitting in? Why didn't my supervisors address this with me if it's a problem? Is this a red flag that I don't want to work for this company, that I'm a bad fit and I should leave? Or is it a chance to grow more comfortable around a group of people that I don't know that well?
I started a new job about 2 months ago. It's a small independent company in the entertainment industry, which has about 20 employees and we work in an open-concept office.
As you can see from my previous questions, I have a lot of social anxiety and I'm also just introverted. I love having long conversations with close friends, but I find it hard to open up to people I've just met, especially in a work setting.
The work culture initially struck me as really positive, upbeat and supportive. Everyone seems to genuinely care about each other and work together collaboratively. Funnily enough, I seem to have a problem with this.
One thing that is hard, is that most staff members have known each other for 10+ years. So they spend the whole day bantering back and forth effortlessly. I usually sit there quietly and try to smile when someone tells a joke, but I'm still feeling pretty shy there. Sure, i talk to other people, but I'm mainly stressed out about getting my work done so I feel like I'm putting up an effort not to get distracted during the day. I've tried to be as helpful as possible and do a good job with my work, and both of my supervisors who i work with on a regular basis have given me great feedback.
There was an office Christmas party a few weeks ago, a huge event involving 2 companies, and I was not feeling well that day and wasn't able to go. I'm sure this caused a bad impression of me. So i jumped at the chance to redeem myself when our bosses invited us over for dinner last Friday. Unfortunately i found this party extremely uncomfortable, as everyone was grilling me with questions all night. At one point, our executive producer was like, "oh, i get it, you're introverted. But you're not judging us, right?' And another woman said, she felt she was being judged as well and there seemed to be a consensus on that point.
After that I felt extremely awkward at the party and eventually left alone. And now the past few days I can't get it out of my mind. I'm feeling angry, frustrated and of course anxious about it and I don't know what to do. I never intended to or believed I was giving off a judgy vibe. The only thing I can think of is that during the day, many people and visitors are coming in and out of the small room where we work, and often are walking past me or having conversations around my desk. I usually try to ignore these occurences because I'm trying to get work done, so maybe I offended someone that way.
Can anyone who works in a small independent company in the arts offer any advice about this?
Am I wrong to not engage in conversations throughout the day which do not concern me or my work? Is this just a situation of a bad fit? How can I motivate myself to return to a place where my personality is seen as a hindrance? Or, is there a way I can not take this personally and not freak out about not fitting in? Why didn't my supervisors address this with me if it's a problem? Is this a red flag that I don't want to work for this company, that I'm a bad fit and I should leave? Or is it a chance to grow more comfortable around a group of people that I don't know that well?
Get a jar and fill it up with candy and put it on your desk. When people are near you, smile and offer them candy.
You'd be amazed how far a simple, welcoming gesture like that will go to making people think you're friendly. You really don't even have to talk to them. Just work on inviting body language (i.e. don't hunch away from people) and have candy to share.
Your supervisors haven't brought it up as an issue because it's not an issue. This sounds like your coworkers just having a preferred way to interact with each other.
posted by phunniemee at 1:18 PM on December 22, 2015
You'd be amazed how far a simple, welcoming gesture like that will go to making people think you're friendly. You really don't even have to talk to them. Just work on inviting body language (i.e. don't hunch away from people) and have candy to share.
Your supervisors haven't brought it up as an issue because it's not an issue. This sounds like your coworkers just having a preferred way to interact with each other.
posted by phunniemee at 1:18 PM on December 22, 2015
This year I moved into a leadership position in a large organization as a sort of side gig, and I've been going through something similar with the people above and around me. What has really helped me has been studying personality types. It turns out my day job consultant is a certified Meyers Briggs...person, and he has been really helpful.
To attempt to summarize, I learned that I was giving to other people from my own set of gifts (quiet competence, basically) and expecting them to just appreciate those gifts rather than meeting them half way and participating in and appreciating areas in which they are gifted, too. Then when those people got offended or seemed to be unappreciative, I'd get confused and disoriented and just kind of spiral from there.
This made a lot of sense to me. Since then I've tried to carefully plan out ways to give other people the type of feedback that they need (very social, outgoing, even expressing love and appreciation for them, which is so out of my wheelhouse it's hilarious). Aside from making one seriously huge faux pas (giving somebody attention and feedback and then, true to my style, neglecting to attend or even comment on my inability to attend a party they were throwing) it's worked out great.
I still have moments where I realize what a fish out of water I am (if you know anything about MBTI, I'm an INTJ in an ESFJ-dominant leadership structure) and just wish somebody would do _exactly_ what I'm doing for them, but for me, in return. But this is all I can really do for now, and it's better than what I was doing before.
Hope that helps somehow. For what it's worth, your gifts are definitely useful and with coworkers like yours it's no wonder your superiors haven't said anything to demotivate you. I'm guessing they probably realize your unique strengths, see a real need for them, and want you to keep them locked in and active.
posted by circular at 1:29 PM on December 22, 2015
To attempt to summarize, I learned that I was giving to other people from my own set of gifts (quiet competence, basically) and expecting them to just appreciate those gifts rather than meeting them half way and participating in and appreciating areas in which they are gifted, too. Then when those people got offended or seemed to be unappreciative, I'd get confused and disoriented and just kind of spiral from there.
This made a lot of sense to me. Since then I've tried to carefully plan out ways to give other people the type of feedback that they need (very social, outgoing, even expressing love and appreciation for them, which is so out of my wheelhouse it's hilarious). Aside from making one seriously huge faux pas (giving somebody attention and feedback and then, true to my style, neglecting to attend or even comment on my inability to attend a party they were throwing) it's worked out great.
I still have moments where I realize what a fish out of water I am (if you know anything about MBTI, I'm an INTJ in an ESFJ-dominant leadership structure) and just wish somebody would do _exactly_ what I'm doing for them, but for me, in return. But this is all I can really do for now, and it's better than what I was doing before.
Hope that helps somehow. For what it's worth, your gifts are definitely useful and with coworkers like yours it's no wonder your superiors haven't said anything to demotivate you. I'm guessing they probably realize your unique strengths, see a real need for them, and want you to keep them locked in and active.
posted by circular at 1:29 PM on December 22, 2015
You don't have to change who you are, and if you're concerned, divide by half. You're probably attaching WAY more to this interaction than was initially meant. In a world of extroverts, an introvert is like a unicorn. We're all really curious and really want to know you better.
I love the idea of putting candy on your desk for others to help themselves as a way to be friendly without having to butt into conversations that seem to have nothing to do with you.
If someone wants to talk to you, for sure, stop your work and chat with them for a while. It will go a long way! About 15 minutes before the usual lunch time, ask a few of your cube mates where a good place to get: Pho, Bun Mi, Kung Po, salad, sushi, etc. You're fishing for a lunch invitation.
If you do go to lunch, have some questions ready to ask so that you can engage, but not feel self conscious.
It's going to be okay, really. They seem friendly and they want you to feel included. Interpret everything in the kindest possible light.
Note: I have General Anxiety Disorder and my world got a LOT easier to manage when I started on Celexa. Just a thought.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:29 PM on December 22, 2015
I love the idea of putting candy on your desk for others to help themselves as a way to be friendly without having to butt into conversations that seem to have nothing to do with you.
If someone wants to talk to you, for sure, stop your work and chat with them for a while. It will go a long way! About 15 minutes before the usual lunch time, ask a few of your cube mates where a good place to get: Pho, Bun Mi, Kung Po, salad, sushi, etc. You're fishing for a lunch invitation.
If you do go to lunch, have some questions ready to ask so that you can engage, but not feel self conscious.
It's going to be okay, really. They seem friendly and they want you to feel included. Interpret everything in the kindest possible light.
Note: I have General Anxiety Disorder and my world got a LOT easier to manage when I started on Celexa. Just a thought.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:29 PM on December 22, 2015
Expressing appreciation for and interest in what your colleagues do/who they are seems like the easiest way to head off an impression that you are secretly judging everyone. Instead of them having to guess what you think of things, be positive! (as a natural cynic this does not come easily for me).
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 1:41 PM on December 22, 2015
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 1:41 PM on December 22, 2015
Riffing off of what's already been said, ITA that your supervisors didn't address this issue because they don't have a problem with you or the way you work. You're fine! Take a deep breath; don't panic. Your personality is not a hindrance, but here are a few things you might consider doing to appear more friendly (and still get your work done).
1. When someone comes into the office or your area, greet them. If you don't know them, introduce yourself. Just a quick "Hey, how's it going?" is good enough to get most people going. Exchange pleasantries and then get back to work.
2. I've found that many people who feel "judged" by someone who is quiet or introverted are usually just insecure in general. That type of person is just fobbing off their insecurity on you and your behavior. You can put them at ease by being a little more talkative than you normally would. If you don't like making small talk, ask them about themselves, their hobbies, family, something neat on their desk, etc. Most of the time, they just want to talk about themselves anyway.
3. If you're going to get a coffee or something, tell your coworkers you're making a coffee run and ask if anybody wants anything.
4. When someone leaves, say "See ya!"
5. Relax. You sound super tense. Your supervisors think you're doing great, so don't be so rigid about concentrating on work every moment you're at work. Take time to get to know the people you work with. These folks have known each other a long time, so it's only natural that they'd have a kind of comfortable banter among themselves. In time, they'll get to know you too and you won't feel so anxious.
Good luck!
posted by LuckySeven~ at 1:55 PM on December 22, 2015
1. When someone comes into the office or your area, greet them. If you don't know them, introduce yourself. Just a quick "Hey, how's it going?" is good enough to get most people going. Exchange pleasantries and then get back to work.
2. I've found that many people who feel "judged" by someone who is quiet or introverted are usually just insecure in general. That type of person is just fobbing off their insecurity on you and your behavior. You can put them at ease by being a little more talkative than you normally would. If you don't like making small talk, ask them about themselves, their hobbies, family, something neat on their desk, etc. Most of the time, they just want to talk about themselves anyway.
3. If you're going to get a coffee or something, tell your coworkers you're making a coffee run and ask if anybody wants anything.
4. When someone leaves, say "See ya!"
5. Relax. You sound super tense. Your supervisors think you're doing great, so don't be so rigid about concentrating on work every moment you're at work. Take time to get to know the people you work with. These folks have known each other a long time, so it's only natural that they'd have a kind of comfortable banter among themselves. In time, they'll get to know you too and you won't feel so anxious.
Good luck!
posted by LuckySeven~ at 1:55 PM on December 22, 2015
Show biz is a business where getting along with lots of different kinds of people can greatly enhance your chances of continued employment. Being an extrovert is more the norm, but lots of introverts also thrive, especially as editors and working in post production. ( Being shy is not the same as being introverted, by the by.)
Your bantering colleagues don't expect you to get their shared jokes, but asking about the history of the joke is a good way to learn a little more about them, and have them get comfortable with you.
They don't expect you to open up about your entire life, but having a capsule version of how you got there is useful. (Mine is "Was a print journalist, moved to LA because husband went to film school, lucked into PBS gig and here I am, x years later.") Your co-workers aren't "grilling" you--they're showing an interest in you, the new kid. Every time they ask you a question, reply graciously and then ask them one.
Keeping your head down and working is excellent, but you could try wearing headphone/ear buds so people can see that you're not looking for conversation or overhearing theirs. It's a visual medium.
posted by Ideefixe at 3:07 PM on December 22, 2015
Your bantering colleagues don't expect you to get their shared jokes, but asking about the history of the joke is a good way to learn a little more about them, and have them get comfortable with you.
They don't expect you to open up about your entire life, but having a capsule version of how you got there is useful. (Mine is "Was a print journalist, moved to LA because husband went to film school, lucked into PBS gig and here I am, x years later.") Your co-workers aren't "grilling" you--they're showing an interest in you, the new kid. Every time they ask you a question, reply graciously and then ask them one.
Keeping your head down and working is excellent, but you could try wearing headphone/ear buds so people can see that you're not looking for conversation or overhearing theirs. It's a visual medium.
posted by Ideefixe at 3:07 PM on December 22, 2015
A few things:
1. we work in an open-concept office.
Start here. Open-plan offices are becoming notorious for being bad places for people in general, and especially for introverts.
Open-plan offices were devised by Satan in the deepest caverns of hell&
open plan offices are associated with high staff turnover. They make people sick, hostile, unmotivated and insecure
even the tiniest amount of personalisation can improve wellbeing
There's 16,000 search results on google for that one... point being that people who practice introverted attention need downtime to recharge. They need space to think and be with thoughts.
2. I love having long conversations with close friends, but I find it hard to open up to people I've just met, especially in a work setting.
Extroversion and introversion exist on a scale. Nobody is 100% extroverted, and nobody is 100% introverted. Jung said "those people would be institutionalised". So you're somewhere in between. One facet to who you are may be that it takes longer to warm up to people and "let them in." Another may be that once you do let them in, you are a kind, patient, and supportive listener / friend.
This may sound basic, and it's true, neither introversion or extraversion are "good" or "bad". Your orientation is simply a tool that you have to work with.
If I say to you: At the end of your life, you will look back on your career, and you will be happy and fulfilled. You will have achieved success on your own terms, and you will have found great places and the people along the way. You did this simply by being yourself, and being competent and confident in your capabilities.
If I could guarantee you that would happen by simply being as you are today, would you still say that there is a problem here? Because what I see is that you are relatively happy with your workplace and competent – if not stretched – in your skills. You may feel that something greater is expected of you, but nobody has said that.
If you're self-conscious that you're missing clues and generally don't have the extroverted talent of sussing the nuances of situations, then accept that as one of your weaknesses. The counterbalanced strength is that when you do engage, you do so wholeheartedly. Work to the strength and not the weakness. And most important, trust that other people will see the strong side of you. Maybe it will take them longer to see it, but you have to trust that they will see it.
3.most staff members have known each other for 10+ years. So they spend the whole day bantering back and forth effortlessly. I usually sit there quietly and try to smile when someone tells a joke, but I'm still feeling pretty shy there.
It took them ten years to create that banter and chat. Keep your head down, and give yourself more time.
4. There was an office Christmas party a few weeks ago...
Your experience there is not uncommon. Some people love office parties, other people loathe them. There's some truth in the fact that social people get ahead in companies, and there's equal counters where people have spent years schmoozing and not advanced substantially. There's no rhyme or reason.
I go back to Eckhart Tolle here. "If I was in a noisy disco and I was deeply unhappy there, I would leave." For some reason, I think many of us can overrate the importance of corporate social events. While they may seem tremendously important, the required box can be ticked by showing up for an hour, having two drinks, and then being on the way. If it's a dinner, show up early and leave early. There may be a compulsion to be present, but there is probably not a compulsion to stay in a situation that is uncomfortable.
It is the most powerful thing to say, "No". And if you're worried about the office banter still, they developed the office banter... in the office.
5. Quick fire answers
Can anyone who works in a small independent company in the arts offer any advice about this?
Don't take it so personally. You're there to do a job. The social events are meant to be fun. If you do not enjoy them, make a quick appearance and go do something you truly enjoy. Because if you continue to force yourself into situations that do not suit you, you will become awkward and guarded, and that creates an energy that can become a liability – mainly because you will be unhappy by forcing yourself to do things that you don't want to do.
Am I wrong to not engage in conversations throughout the day which do not concern me or my work?
No. There is no right or wrong. Look at it this way. You cannot be good at everything. You will be better at some things in life, and worse at others. Do you want to be good at office banter? If so, then practice it. Start with jokes that bomb terribly. Lose your ego. Have fun with it. If you don't want to be good at office banter, then show up, do your work, and then go live your life.
And I'll tell you this. People that are worried about other people judging them, are generally the people who are judging others. Use your introverted powers of observation and analysis to see beyond the words. Who are these people, and what are they really saying?
Is this just a situation of a bad fit?
You won't know that until you get past this set of expectations that you seem to think that other people have of you.
How can I motivate myself to return to a place where my personality is seen as a hindrance?
Stop seeing your personality as a hindrance.
is there a way I can not take this personally and not freak out about not fitting in?
Don't take this personally and stop freaking out about not fitting in. You don't have to fit in everywhere. You have to fit in somewhere. Maybe you are the life of the party at the office. Maybe you have a weekend softball league where you're the hero. Maybe you fit in with two great friends and you don't need anyone else. Maybe you fit in with your partner/spouse. Maybe it's your family. Maybe it's your best mate. Maybe it's your church.
It doesn't matter where it is, how big it is, or who it is. It's what is truly important to you. Like said, for some people, work is just work. Companies will always talk about corporate culture, because they want people to be happy working there. They want to create places people want to be. But it's secondary to the work. Show me a company that kicks out kick-ass introverts to keep mediocre extroverts, and I'll show you a crap company.
Why didn't my supervisors address this with me if it's a problem?
Seems like you are turning it into a big deal.
1. You're an introvert who likes long conversations with friends
2. You get a job in a social workplace
3. They've worked together ten years
4. You're by default the outsider
5. That plugs into your self-concious fear about how you appear to other people
6. You feel like an outsider, so you act like an outsider
7. You go to dinner feeling like an outsider
8. Everyone else knows each other
9. Jokes are made. You take them seriously
10. You brood away on them and start thinking there's role-related commentary there
11. You become self-concious about your work and your role
12. You work starts to suffer
13. There's now a problem for your supervisor to discuss with you.
Let's go back to #4. You are an outsider. There is a company culture, and it takes time to become part of that. It's not good or bad that you're an outside, it's just a thing. The problem starts when you internalise that from a work setting, which is you are a new employee outsider, to a personal setting, which is that you are a general outsider.
Break the chain there, and the rest disappears. Continue the chain from there, and you may well get dinged for poor performance because your head isn't in the game.
Is this a red flag that I don't want to work for this company, that I'm a bad fit and I should leave?
It's a red flag that you may be prone to overthinking and missing opportunities.
Or is it a chance to grow more comfortable around a group of people that I don't know that well?
Yes.
posted by nickrussell at 7:02 PM on December 22, 2015
1. we work in an open-concept office.
Start here. Open-plan offices are becoming notorious for being bad places for people in general, and especially for introverts.
Open-plan offices were devised by Satan in the deepest caverns of hell&
open plan offices are associated with high staff turnover. They make people sick, hostile, unmotivated and insecure
even the tiniest amount of personalisation can improve wellbeing
There's 16,000 search results on google for that one... point being that people who practice introverted attention need downtime to recharge. They need space to think and be with thoughts.
2. I love having long conversations with close friends, but I find it hard to open up to people I've just met, especially in a work setting.
Extroversion and introversion exist on a scale. Nobody is 100% extroverted, and nobody is 100% introverted. Jung said "those people would be institutionalised". So you're somewhere in between. One facet to who you are may be that it takes longer to warm up to people and "let them in." Another may be that once you do let them in, you are a kind, patient, and supportive listener / friend.
This may sound basic, and it's true, neither introversion or extraversion are "good" or "bad". Your orientation is simply a tool that you have to work with.
If I say to you: At the end of your life, you will look back on your career, and you will be happy and fulfilled. You will have achieved success on your own terms, and you will have found great places and the people along the way. You did this simply by being yourself, and being competent and confident in your capabilities.
If I could guarantee you that would happen by simply being as you are today, would you still say that there is a problem here? Because what I see is that you are relatively happy with your workplace and competent – if not stretched – in your skills. You may feel that something greater is expected of you, but nobody has said that.
If you're self-conscious that you're missing clues and generally don't have the extroverted talent of sussing the nuances of situations, then accept that as one of your weaknesses. The counterbalanced strength is that when you do engage, you do so wholeheartedly. Work to the strength and not the weakness. And most important, trust that other people will see the strong side of you. Maybe it will take them longer to see it, but you have to trust that they will see it.
3.most staff members have known each other for 10+ years. So they spend the whole day bantering back and forth effortlessly. I usually sit there quietly and try to smile when someone tells a joke, but I'm still feeling pretty shy there.
It took them ten years to create that banter and chat. Keep your head down, and give yourself more time.
4. There was an office Christmas party a few weeks ago...
Your experience there is not uncommon. Some people love office parties, other people loathe them. There's some truth in the fact that social people get ahead in companies, and there's equal counters where people have spent years schmoozing and not advanced substantially. There's no rhyme or reason.
I go back to Eckhart Tolle here. "If I was in a noisy disco and I was deeply unhappy there, I would leave." For some reason, I think many of us can overrate the importance of corporate social events. While they may seem tremendously important, the required box can be ticked by showing up for an hour, having two drinks, and then being on the way. If it's a dinner, show up early and leave early. There may be a compulsion to be present, but there is probably not a compulsion to stay in a situation that is uncomfortable.
It is the most powerful thing to say, "No". And if you're worried about the office banter still, they developed the office banter... in the office.
5. Quick fire answers
Can anyone who works in a small independent company in the arts offer any advice about this?
Don't take it so personally. You're there to do a job. The social events are meant to be fun. If you do not enjoy them, make a quick appearance and go do something you truly enjoy. Because if you continue to force yourself into situations that do not suit you, you will become awkward and guarded, and that creates an energy that can become a liability – mainly because you will be unhappy by forcing yourself to do things that you don't want to do.
Am I wrong to not engage in conversations throughout the day which do not concern me or my work?
No. There is no right or wrong. Look at it this way. You cannot be good at everything. You will be better at some things in life, and worse at others. Do you want to be good at office banter? If so, then practice it. Start with jokes that bomb terribly. Lose your ego. Have fun with it. If you don't want to be good at office banter, then show up, do your work, and then go live your life.
And I'll tell you this. People that are worried about other people judging them, are generally the people who are judging others. Use your introverted powers of observation and analysis to see beyond the words. Who are these people, and what are they really saying?
Is this just a situation of a bad fit?
You won't know that until you get past this set of expectations that you seem to think that other people have of you.
How can I motivate myself to return to a place where my personality is seen as a hindrance?
Stop seeing your personality as a hindrance.
is there a way I can not take this personally and not freak out about not fitting in?
Don't take this personally and stop freaking out about not fitting in. You don't have to fit in everywhere. You have to fit in somewhere. Maybe you are the life of the party at the office. Maybe you have a weekend softball league where you're the hero. Maybe you fit in with two great friends and you don't need anyone else. Maybe you fit in with your partner/spouse. Maybe it's your family. Maybe it's your best mate. Maybe it's your church.
It doesn't matter where it is, how big it is, or who it is. It's what is truly important to you. Like said, for some people, work is just work. Companies will always talk about corporate culture, because they want people to be happy working there. They want to create places people want to be. But it's secondary to the work. Show me a company that kicks out kick-ass introverts to keep mediocre extroverts, and I'll show you a crap company.
Why didn't my supervisors address this with me if it's a problem?
Seems like you are turning it into a big deal.
1. You're an introvert who likes long conversations with friends
2. You get a job in a social workplace
3. They've worked together ten years
4. You're by default the outsider
5. That plugs into your self-concious fear about how you appear to other people
6. You feel like an outsider, so you act like an outsider
7. You go to dinner feeling like an outsider
8. Everyone else knows each other
9. Jokes are made. You take them seriously
10. You brood away on them and start thinking there's role-related commentary there
11. You become self-concious about your work and your role
12. You work starts to suffer
13. There's now a problem for your supervisor to discuss with you.
Let's go back to #4. You are an outsider. There is a company culture, and it takes time to become part of that. It's not good or bad that you're an outside, it's just a thing. The problem starts when you internalise that from a work setting, which is you are a new employee outsider, to a personal setting, which is that you are a general outsider.
Break the chain there, and the rest disappears. Continue the chain from there, and you may well get dinged for poor performance because your head isn't in the game.
Is this a red flag that I don't want to work for this company, that I'm a bad fit and I should leave?
It's a red flag that you may be prone to overthinking and missing opportunities.
Or is it a chance to grow more comfortable around a group of people that I don't know that well?
Yes.
posted by nickrussell at 7:02 PM on December 22, 2015
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posted by Riverine at 1:17 PM on December 22, 2015