End of an intimate relationship. How do I stay positive?
December 8, 2015 2:30 PM Subscribe
My sexual relationship has ended. It was one of the few stress-free things in my life, and now I fear for my mental and emotional health because of upcoming holidays, SAD, and a few other stressors.
I was sexually involved with a lovely guy for several months. That has ended, and I regret none of it. We had fantastic chemistry, good/fun conversations, and no drama. I know I will look back at it and him fondly.
I also know that my life is good. I have a great job and own a house. I'm healthy. Still: the anxiety-ridden holidays are coming fast, I suffer from SAD, I have financial worries.
My lover was one of the stress-free parts of my life. He wasn't involved in my daily life like a boyfriend; but he still meant/means something. And I'm afraid that without him in the context of the times we had, I won't be as well-equipped to cope with the crap that's just around the corner. Being with him was a good outlet and not just in a physical way. I don't feel very sad--more like bittersweetness, and I truly wish him well--but I fear that as days shorten and weeks pass I may start to feel worse.
If you have gone through something like this, how did you smile your way through holiday events while you were missing somebody not terribly but just enough? What did you do to survive the long dark winter--particularly with no sexytimes?
Some possibly relevant info:
- We are keeping lines of communication open; there are no hard feelings on either side.
- I am already doing light therapy for SAD.
- I'm asocial so probably won't want to do outgoing things.
- I exercise, and sleep and eat well.
I was sexually involved with a lovely guy for several months. That has ended, and I regret none of it. We had fantastic chemistry, good/fun conversations, and no drama. I know I will look back at it and him fondly.
I also know that my life is good. I have a great job and own a house. I'm healthy. Still: the anxiety-ridden holidays are coming fast, I suffer from SAD, I have financial worries.
My lover was one of the stress-free parts of my life. He wasn't involved in my daily life like a boyfriend; but he still meant/means something. And I'm afraid that without him in the context of the times we had, I won't be as well-equipped to cope with the crap that's just around the corner. Being with him was a good outlet and not just in a physical way. I don't feel very sad--more like bittersweetness, and I truly wish him well--but I fear that as days shorten and weeks pass I may start to feel worse.
If you have gone through something like this, how did you smile your way through holiday events while you were missing somebody not terribly but just enough? What did you do to survive the long dark winter--particularly with no sexytimes?
Some possibly relevant info:
- We are keeping lines of communication open; there are no hard feelings on either side.
- I am already doing light therapy for SAD.
- I'm asocial so probably won't want to do outgoing things.
- I exercise, and sleep and eat well.
Best answer: Treat yo'self. Do something extra indulgent just for you. Plan this a little ahead of time, so you have something to look forward to.
Try to fake-it-til-you-make-it through the holidays, by focussing on being present, and enjoying the company of family and friends. Truly actively listen to them when making catching-up small talk. Make a checklist in your head of things you appreciate about them.
Do something charitable. Volunteer, donate.
In short, love yourself and love others as fully as you can over the next 3 weeks.
And, as phunniemee suggests, get out there and get bangin' again. No reason not to.
posted by Fig at 4:34 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Try to fake-it-til-you-make-it through the holidays, by focussing on being present, and enjoying the company of family and friends. Truly actively listen to them when making catching-up small talk. Make a checklist in your head of things you appreciate about them.
Do something charitable. Volunteer, donate.
In short, love yourself and love others as fully as you can over the next 3 weeks.
And, as phunniemee suggests, get out there and get bangin' again. No reason not to.
posted by Fig at 4:34 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This.... is maybe a little too deep and intense for the question, but...... are you trying to fill a void in yourself with other people? I understand holidays suck, and you do sound like you have a ton of stress I don't have background on, but it also sounds like there is a fear of being alone. I might be reading too far between the lines, there.
But you can take care of yourself. You can deal with stresses, as uncomfortable as they are. You are enough, and strong enough, to be happy and love yourself whatever comes your way. You are worth good things.
posted by Jacen at 9:46 PM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
But you can take care of yourself. You can deal with stresses, as uncomfortable as they are. You are enough, and strong enough, to be happy and love yourself whatever comes your way. You are worth good things.
posted by Jacen at 9:46 PM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: This is a well-written question. I'm sorry you're not receiving more responses. Maybe it's because you generally sound capable and grounded and apt to figure this out yourself.
It sounds like your biggest worry is not how you're feeling now but how you might feel. Perhaps put together a plan of sorts for what you'd do if that happened, and see what pieces you'd want to start doing now? E.g., if you got super depressed, you'd probably want to go to therapy or a psychiatrist, so maybe you could find a therapist now, or even just gather recommendations.
Would planning a trip to somewhere sunny in, say, February or March, give you something to look forward to and something to think about and talk about with family over the holidays, and cheer you up enough to get through the rest of the winter?
posted by salvia at 12:22 AM on December 9, 2015
It sounds like your biggest worry is not how you're feeling now but how you might feel. Perhaps put together a plan of sorts for what you'd do if that happened, and see what pieces you'd want to start doing now? E.g., if you got super depressed, you'd probably want to go to therapy or a psychiatrist, so maybe you could find a therapist now, or even just gather recommendations.
Would planning a trip to somewhere sunny in, say, February or March, give you something to look forward to and something to think about and talk about with family over the holidays, and cheer you up enough to get through the rest of the winter?
posted by salvia at 12:22 AM on December 9, 2015
Best answer: Have massages or beauty treatments. Human touch can make a big difference to mood.
posted by kjs4 at 12:45 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by kjs4 at 12:45 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Someone mentioned to me yesterday that Christmas is the shortest day of the year. I'd forgotten that. And Christmas is only two weeks away, which means if I can just make it through the next two weeks, the days will start getting longer and warmer again. It gave me quite a sense of optimism. Maybe it'll do the same for you.
posted by Brittanie at 1:47 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Brittanie at 1:47 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The shortest day is the solstice, Dec. 21st. So even less time to wait than Christmas before days get longer.
posted by sweetkid at 7:10 AM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by sweetkid at 7:10 AM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I haven't had your exact scenario (my last breakup occurred on Valentine's day), but I do have experience getting through the cold and dark of winter during tough years, and my recommendation is to try to spend time outside. One of the horrible things about winter is that you can get stuck inside only visiting home, work, and the gym. Even looking out the windows seems different because it is so frequently dark. The resulting feeling of being trapped can play into whatever other gloomy stuff is going on in your life. So, I think it is important to get outside. The sunlight, when available, can do you a world of good, and it even feels good to get outside when it is dark out. So, put on some long-winter underwear, bundle up in a warm coat and hat and mittens, and go out and ski, snowshoe, hike, ice skate, attend some outdoor public event, or just go for a walk.
I also like the idea of planning a get-away, if you can afford it. Just planning for and knowing that you have a beach vacation coming up can be a real solace.
posted by Area Man at 7:14 AM on December 9, 2015
I also like the idea of planning a get-away, if you can afford it. Just planning for and knowing that you have a beach vacation coming up can be a real solace.
posted by Area Man at 7:14 AM on December 9, 2015
Best answer: Except for "...and own a house," I could have sworn you were the sweet woman who just ended a great, easy thing with me. (I'm the "lovely guy.") So no, I haven't been through this before, but this is what I'll be doing:
Double down on friendships. I'll be spending some time on Xmas day with a couple friends. I'll have drinks with another friend on Festivus. I'll be contacting other single friends and making plans. On my alone-evenings I'll visit my favorite neighborhood bar and chat with the cute bartender. Getting my ass out of the house should boost my spirits. I hope.
posted by booth at 11:19 AM on December 9, 2015
Double down on friendships. I'll be spending some time on Xmas day with a couple friends. I'll have drinks with another friend on Festivus. I'll be contacting other single friends and making plans. On my alone-evenings I'll visit my favorite neighborhood bar and chat with the cute bartender. Getting my ass out of the house should boost my spirits. I hope.
posted by booth at 11:19 AM on December 9, 2015
Response by poster: Thanks very much, everyone. True there are few answers but what I did get really helped, either in your suggestions or in reinforcing what I may have been already thinking. Maybe I do have most of my shit together and just needed some external affirmation. To address your replies:
- I definitely will try to start bangin' again, but in the new year. I'm taking some time to reflect and 'mourn' the end of the relationship and its transition into a sort of friendship, or whatever it turns out to be. That too is something to look forward to, I think.
- Volunteering/donating is something I do regularly. So is getting massages. I agree these are all good for mind, heart, and spirit.
- I am going to take each day as it comes, leading up to the holidays and afterwards. The weather has been crappier than usual lately, which makes it exceedingly hard, but I have now circled December 21 on my calendar as a day to celebrate. :)
- After some thought, I doubt that I am trying to fill a void. Or rather, I think there is a specific void but it is not fear of being alone: it is a lack of creative outlet/expression. I might write, probably just a private journal-type thing, about my experience.
- It would be great to plan a trip, but finances are tight (I have dependents). That might not be do-able in the short term or even semi-long term. But it's in the back of my mind/further down on my to-do list.
- I fully intend to have hygge this winter/early spring!
- booth, take care. :)
posted by destroying_angel at 7:34 AM on December 10, 2015
- I definitely will try to start bangin' again, but in the new year. I'm taking some time to reflect and 'mourn' the end of the relationship and its transition into a sort of friendship, or whatever it turns out to be. That too is something to look forward to, I think.
- Volunteering/donating is something I do regularly. So is getting massages. I agree these are all good for mind, heart, and spirit.
- I am going to take each day as it comes, leading up to the holidays and afterwards. The weather has been crappier than usual lately, which makes it exceedingly hard, but I have now circled December 21 on my calendar as a day to celebrate. :)
- After some thought, I doubt that I am trying to fill a void. Or rather, I think there is a specific void but it is not fear of being alone: it is a lack of creative outlet/expression. I might write, probably just a private journal-type thing, about my experience.
- It would be great to plan a trip, but finances are tight (I have dependents). That might not be do-able in the short term or even semi-long term. But it's in the back of my mind/further down on my to-do list.
- I fully intend to have hygge this winter/early spring!
- booth, take care. :)
posted by destroying_angel at 7:34 AM on December 10, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
You know, there are other people out there to have sex with, and even more to have flirty text convos with over the holidays. Get yourself up on okcupid or tinder and start swiping.
Just because you're not having sex with this dude anymore doesn't mean you have to lock yourself away until June.
posted by phunniemee at 2:36 PM on December 8, 2015 [4 favorites]