It's not you, it's me, no, it's you.
November 24, 2015 2:11 AM Subscribe
I went out with a guy a few months ago. It didn't work out and for some reason I'm still puzzled by and dwelling at times on his behavior. Was it him? Was it me? Wtf.
I'm sorry, this will be a little scrambled. I am having a hard time writing it out because it's so confusing to me, but I'm doing the best I can.
I'm in late 20s, he was mid 30s. He'd asked me out about a month before we actually met up. At that time, after a few texts and calls about setting the first "coffee date", I ran out of steam and gave up because I have severe depression and realized it wasn't realistic for me, no matter how attracted to him or curious I was. I didn't want to mention this to a stranger so I just stopped communicating. He also stopped. I forgot about it til one day I was going through some missed voicemails (I'm really bad at listening to them on time) and saw he'd left one some weeks ago. After listening to it I felt bad that the guy had been trying to get hold of me and I blew him off so decided I'd just send one text telling him the truth. It feels rotten when people blow me off without explanation after seeming enthusiatic so I didn't want to have done the same thing, even though it was already a few weeks later. I sent a message saying hey, I have this thing, and I'm sorry I'd blown you off, but that was why. I thought it'd sufficiently explain and also put him off from contacting me again. But his response was, hey, that took some balls to be honest like that, can I take you out now? I was surprised and thought what the hell, then, maybe I'll go for it.
We'd been going out all week. If we weren't hanging out in person, we'd be on the phone for an hour or more. He was nothing but complimentary and a little overenthusiastic but it didn't feel creepy, just that he was anxious. As was I. Didn't jump in bed right away; seemed like that was not what either of us were prioritizing. There was oversharing but it didn't feel weird. Maybe in others' view we were spending too much time together but it feels weird to me to set rigid rules, like, one date per week or whatever. I tend to go with how things are feeling in the moment, and then readjust. He'd go to work, I'd go to work, and then we'd meet up or just talk on the phone in between, but had contact daily. I thought it was because we both felt the same and took it to be the natural progression of things at that time. No big deal.
Anyway, so we do sleep together toward the end of the week. I stay the night. The next day he drops me off at work and as I reach to give him a quick hug, he instantly recoils. I thought it was odd. We'd just been intimate together. He'd not given any indication he wasn't ok with things. I put it out of my mind. Maybe I'd misperceived. After work, we went to his place again. I was really happy to see him. We'd been watching this series the last couple of days and I asked if we could watch a movie that I really liked that night, or at least part of it. I'd been getting to know what he's into and wanted to have a chance to share something I liked. He quickly brushed me off with, "Yeah I can't spend the money to rent it right now." Uh... again, I thought that was weird. I'd have no problem with him just saying "maybe another night", but I was confused about his reason. The guy drives a luxury car, but couldn't afford to rent the movie. Again, I said nothing. So we commence watching the series. It was one I'd never seen before and it was kind of hard to follow everything in the beginning, but he was super into it and really enthusiastic about explaining everything. I ask a couple of questions. He'd been eager to answer the last couple of days. That evening he did the "Huh.. sorry I didn't hear you" thing.
I was beginning to get confused and eventually asked him what was up. This led to a super weird circular conversation where instead of hearing what I was saying, he'd gotten to disputing the definitions of the words I was using. I kept restating what I was saying, thinking I wasn't being clear, but it didn't change anything. I say the dreaded, "You're being distant and I'm curious about why" thing, he says I'm being accusatory and maybe instead of telling him how he's being, I should word it differently. This was making me feel nuts. It wasn't my intention to tell him how he was being. This thing also gives me flashbacks of my abusive ex so after a long while of sitting there painstakingly and *patiently* trying to talk, I started to cry. I left the room. I apologized later on and regretted the whole thing. The next morning we seemed to be fine. No one was stewing.
I'm back at home. I've put the thing out of mind. There's a palpable distance between us now. He says he'll contact me that evening and doesn't. I knew he was writing a paper so I just checked in and asked how it was going. The next day I asked if he's not wanting to talk because of that evening and he says, "of course not". I take him at his word. He's legitimately busy with the work he does so I just take time to myself as well. So over the next week a bunch of flakiness goes on. "Hey we'll do something tomorrow" with no follow through, etc. He stops contacting me for 8 or 9 days, I call, we talk. Again, more flakiness. Then he "gets sick". He did sound it but looking back now I don't know what's what. I've pulled back quite a bit at this point and he's still maintaining contact and I'm responsive. When he gets to feeling better he calls and says, "I'm going to watch some movies for a while and call you. We'll go out tonight." The next 6 hours go by without a peep, and at 11pm I get a lone text, "Damn, I might need some of those vitamins." referring to something we talked about earlier. I told him I was sorry he was still feeling ill but that I'd gotten dressed to go out and was disappointed. He says, "It's good for you to get dressed up once in a while!" One day he calls and tells me he's at a company get-together, seemed casual and fine. Gets off the phone, and that was the last time I heard from him again.
W T F.
Why draw it out? Why repeatedly cancel on me? Why not just tell me he's done pursuing things? Is it my fault? Was it that crazy of me to have asked him what was wrong, that evening? If you noticed the things I mentioned, would you not have talk about it?
And no, I wasn't texting or calling constantly. That's not my style.
I'm sorry, this will be a little scrambled. I am having a hard time writing it out because it's so confusing to me, but I'm doing the best I can.
I'm in late 20s, he was mid 30s. He'd asked me out about a month before we actually met up. At that time, after a few texts and calls about setting the first "coffee date", I ran out of steam and gave up because I have severe depression and realized it wasn't realistic for me, no matter how attracted to him or curious I was. I didn't want to mention this to a stranger so I just stopped communicating. He also stopped. I forgot about it til one day I was going through some missed voicemails (I'm really bad at listening to them on time) and saw he'd left one some weeks ago. After listening to it I felt bad that the guy had been trying to get hold of me and I blew him off so decided I'd just send one text telling him the truth. It feels rotten when people blow me off without explanation after seeming enthusiatic so I didn't want to have done the same thing, even though it was already a few weeks later. I sent a message saying hey, I have this thing, and I'm sorry I'd blown you off, but that was why. I thought it'd sufficiently explain and also put him off from contacting me again. But his response was, hey, that took some balls to be honest like that, can I take you out now? I was surprised and thought what the hell, then, maybe I'll go for it.
We'd been going out all week. If we weren't hanging out in person, we'd be on the phone for an hour or more. He was nothing but complimentary and a little overenthusiastic but it didn't feel creepy, just that he was anxious. As was I. Didn't jump in bed right away; seemed like that was not what either of us were prioritizing. There was oversharing but it didn't feel weird. Maybe in others' view we were spending too much time together but it feels weird to me to set rigid rules, like, one date per week or whatever. I tend to go with how things are feeling in the moment, and then readjust. He'd go to work, I'd go to work, and then we'd meet up or just talk on the phone in between, but had contact daily. I thought it was because we both felt the same and took it to be the natural progression of things at that time. No big deal.
Anyway, so we do sleep together toward the end of the week. I stay the night. The next day he drops me off at work and as I reach to give him a quick hug, he instantly recoils. I thought it was odd. We'd just been intimate together. He'd not given any indication he wasn't ok with things. I put it out of my mind. Maybe I'd misperceived. After work, we went to his place again. I was really happy to see him. We'd been watching this series the last couple of days and I asked if we could watch a movie that I really liked that night, or at least part of it. I'd been getting to know what he's into and wanted to have a chance to share something I liked. He quickly brushed me off with, "Yeah I can't spend the money to rent it right now." Uh... again, I thought that was weird. I'd have no problem with him just saying "maybe another night", but I was confused about his reason. The guy drives a luxury car, but couldn't afford to rent the movie. Again, I said nothing. So we commence watching the series. It was one I'd never seen before and it was kind of hard to follow everything in the beginning, but he was super into it and really enthusiastic about explaining everything. I ask a couple of questions. He'd been eager to answer the last couple of days. That evening he did the "Huh.. sorry I didn't hear you" thing.
I was beginning to get confused and eventually asked him what was up. This led to a super weird circular conversation where instead of hearing what I was saying, he'd gotten to disputing the definitions of the words I was using. I kept restating what I was saying, thinking I wasn't being clear, but it didn't change anything. I say the dreaded, "You're being distant and I'm curious about why" thing, he says I'm being accusatory and maybe instead of telling him how he's being, I should word it differently. This was making me feel nuts. It wasn't my intention to tell him how he was being. This thing also gives me flashbacks of my abusive ex so after a long while of sitting there painstakingly and *patiently* trying to talk, I started to cry. I left the room. I apologized later on and regretted the whole thing. The next morning we seemed to be fine. No one was stewing.
I'm back at home. I've put the thing out of mind. There's a palpable distance between us now. He says he'll contact me that evening and doesn't. I knew he was writing a paper so I just checked in and asked how it was going. The next day I asked if he's not wanting to talk because of that evening and he says, "of course not". I take him at his word. He's legitimately busy with the work he does so I just take time to myself as well. So over the next week a bunch of flakiness goes on. "Hey we'll do something tomorrow" with no follow through, etc. He stops contacting me for 8 or 9 days, I call, we talk. Again, more flakiness. Then he "gets sick". He did sound it but looking back now I don't know what's what. I've pulled back quite a bit at this point and he's still maintaining contact and I'm responsive. When he gets to feeling better he calls and says, "I'm going to watch some movies for a while and call you. We'll go out tonight." The next 6 hours go by without a peep, and at 11pm I get a lone text, "Damn, I might need some of those vitamins." referring to something we talked about earlier. I told him I was sorry he was still feeling ill but that I'd gotten dressed to go out and was disappointed. He says, "It's good for you to get dressed up once in a while!" One day he calls and tells me he's at a company get-together, seemed casual and fine. Gets off the phone, and that was the last time I heard from him again.
W T F.
Why draw it out? Why repeatedly cancel on me? Why not just tell me he's done pursuing things? Is it my fault? Was it that crazy of me to have asked him what was wrong, that evening? If you noticed the things I mentioned, would you not have talk about it?
And no, I wasn't texting or calling constantly. That's not my style.
Best answer: Why draw it out? Why repeatedly cancel on me? Why not just tell me he's done pursuing things?
Because he's an immature, cowardly dater who can't stand being the Bad Guy when acting like this is what makes him a bad guy.
Is it my fault?
No. Shrug him off, treat yourself gently, move on.
Was it that crazy of me to have asked him what was wrong, that evening? If you noticed the things I mentioned, would you not have talk about it?
I think it's great you acted like an adult. Hopefully you will soon find someone else who can behave the same.
posted by like_neon at 2:38 AM on November 24, 2015 [28 favorites]
Because he's an immature, cowardly dater who can't stand being the Bad Guy when acting like this is what makes him a bad guy.
Is it my fault?
No. Shrug him off, treat yourself gently, move on.
Was it that crazy of me to have asked him what was wrong, that evening? If you noticed the things I mentioned, would you not have talk about it?
I think it's great you acted like an adult. Hopefully you will soon find someone else who can behave the same.
posted by like_neon at 2:38 AM on November 24, 2015 [28 favorites]
This led to a super weird circular conversation where instead of hearing what I was saying, he'd gotten to disputing the definitions of the words I was using. I kept restating what I was saying, thinking I wasn't being clear, but it didn't change anything.
There is a definite thing where people (especially but not exclusively women) are trained to believe that if we are trying to ask someone for something, and that someone is being awkward about the very fact we're asking, the fault lies with us for not asking it clearly/politely/deferently enough. If we could just phrase it right, surely we'd get an answer! So we keep on trying, and trying, and trying. This is how you end up seeing tons of of AskMes along the lines of "how can I get my husband/boyfriend/partner to understand [thing]?", when the question makes it pretty clear that he already understands [thing], he just doesn't care.
This isn't meant as a criticism of you. I think loads of us do this, and I know I have myself and probably to an extent still do. But these kind of conversations got a whole lot easier once I stopped thinking that the burden was on me to puzzle out the exact right way to phrase it, and started realising that "let's quibble over the way you have phrased this question!" was almost always an evasion tactic used by someone who didn't want to answer it.
You tried to discuss things like an adult. He didn't want to discuss things like an adult. That's his problem, not yours.
posted by Catseye at 3:01 AM on November 24, 2015 [41 favorites]
There is a definite thing where people (especially but not exclusively women) are trained to believe that if we are trying to ask someone for something, and that someone is being awkward about the very fact we're asking, the fault lies with us for not asking it clearly/politely/deferently enough. If we could just phrase it right, surely we'd get an answer! So we keep on trying, and trying, and trying. This is how you end up seeing tons of of AskMes along the lines of "how can I get my husband/boyfriend/partner to understand [thing]?", when the question makes it pretty clear that he already understands [thing], he just doesn't care.
This isn't meant as a criticism of you. I think loads of us do this, and I know I have myself and probably to an extent still do. But these kind of conversations got a whole lot easier once I stopped thinking that the burden was on me to puzzle out the exact right way to phrase it, and started realising that "let's quibble over the way you have phrased this question!" was almost always an evasion tactic used by someone who didn't want to answer it.
You tried to discuss things like an adult. He didn't want to discuss things like an adult. That's his problem, not yours.
posted by Catseye at 3:01 AM on November 24, 2015 [41 favorites]
Response by poster: three blind mice, i hear what you're saying, but i don't think this was the case. there was no indication he wasn't into it. the following morning he was pretty excited again and it was i who was feeling a little too worn out to have more sex.
posted by a knot unknown at 3:02 AM on November 24, 2015
posted by a knot unknown at 3:02 AM on November 24, 2015
If you turned him down for sex in the morning, that might have been what started him being distant to you? Ack, dating sucks!
posted by fourpotatoes at 3:30 AM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by fourpotatoes at 3:30 AM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: yeah, and came back the very same evening after work clearly very enthusiastic about him.
not thread-sitting, but really don't feel it was the sex thing. there is no way that would have caused the rudeness and blowing me off multiple times later, telling me it was ok that i got dressed to go out even though he blew me off.
posted by a knot unknown at 3:36 AM on November 24, 2015
not thread-sitting, but really don't feel it was the sex thing. there is no way that would have caused the rudeness and blowing me off multiple times later, telling me it was ok that i got dressed to go out even though he blew me off.
posted by a knot unknown at 3:36 AM on November 24, 2015
Is it possible that he was just in it for the chase, and once you had slept together he was no longer interested? That sucks, but it's happened to me.
posted by Dorothea_in_Rome at 3:45 AM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Dorothea_in_Rome at 3:45 AM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
It is definitely not you, it is definitely him.
You don't have to be perfect and say the exact right thing at every moment to be loved. Even if you DID say something that mildly irritated him, so what? There has to be some generosity towards the other person to build a relationship . So even if you said something that wasn't perfectly what he wanted to hear, it's still him and not you.
Unfortunately, there are people who begin to treat partners disrespectully, freak out and withdraw, and become anxiously ambivalent as soon as the relationship ratchets up into sexual intimacy. It has everything to do with their intimacy issues, not with sudden problems in their partners.
posted by flourpot at 4:03 AM on November 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
You don't have to be perfect and say the exact right thing at every moment to be loved. Even if you DID say something that mildly irritated him, so what? There has to be some generosity towards the other person to build a relationship . So even if you said something that wasn't perfectly what he wanted to hear, it's still him and not you.
Unfortunately, there are people who begin to treat partners disrespectully, freak out and withdraw, and become anxiously ambivalent as soon as the relationship ratchets up into sexual intimacy. It has everything to do with their intimacy issues, not with sudden problems in their partners.
posted by flourpot at 4:03 AM on November 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: There are people out there who lose interest once you've expressed yours. He was very keen when you were indifferent, and once you became involved he ghosted.
Who knows why these people do this, but they do. It has nothing to do with you. It wasn't the sex, it wasn't the way you spoke to him, it wasn't anything you did or didn't do. This is all him.
You took this at the pace that was right for you, good for you. I think all of us have one of these in our past. Some baffling interaction with someone that left us wondering what THAT was all about.
You had a nice time with him for a bit, but don't let this interlude rent space in your brain for another second. He's immature, trifling and kind of a dick. You found this out, and luckily it ended before he could steal any more time from you.
Don't let this experience keep you from putting yourself out there.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:06 AM on November 24, 2015 [17 favorites]
Who knows why these people do this, but they do. It has nothing to do with you. It wasn't the sex, it wasn't the way you spoke to him, it wasn't anything you did or didn't do. This is all him.
You took this at the pace that was right for you, good for you. I think all of us have one of these in our past. Some baffling interaction with someone that left us wondering what THAT was all about.
You had a nice time with him for a bit, but don't let this interlude rent space in your brain for another second. He's immature, trifling and kind of a dick. You found this out, and luckily it ended before he could steal any more time from you.
Don't let this experience keep you from putting yourself out there.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:06 AM on November 24, 2015 [17 favorites]
I'm pretty sure he's not who you thought he was. No one may be able to break it down precisely, but, between the recoil and the gross why he handled conversation about conflict, you should have quietly kicked his ass to the curb.
I promise you he'll be like this for a few more years. I dated this type of guy a few times. He has unresolved issues, which is why he's dating women in their 20's. He'll still be doing that in his 40's.
I swear there is nothing wrong with you. Next time, don't be afraid to cut bait sooner. This is a particular "type." I swear there was nothing you could have done differently. Some men run hot and cold. The reasons are individual, but claiming "nothing's wrong" is damn near universal. I don't think they know themselves. Or something.
Anyway. Don't be afraid to drop someone if you see this behavior again. As far as my experience goes, you can't fix it and you can't explain it. It's not fixable, so don't beat yourself up or feel badly.
posted by jbenben at 4:12 AM on November 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
I promise you he'll be like this for a few more years. I dated this type of guy a few times. He has unresolved issues, which is why he's dating women in their 20's. He'll still be doing that in his 40's.
I swear there is nothing wrong with you. Next time, don't be afraid to cut bait sooner. This is a particular "type." I swear there was nothing you could have done differently. Some men run hot and cold. The reasons are individual, but claiming "nothing's wrong" is damn near universal. I don't think they know themselves. Or something.
Anyway. Don't be afraid to drop someone if you see this behavior again. As far as my experience goes, you can't fix it and you can't explain it. It's not fixable, so don't beat yourself up or feel badly.
posted by jbenben at 4:12 AM on November 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
i hear what you're saying, but i don't think this was the case.
".... between the recoil and the gross [way] he handled conversation about conflict..." I think this was pretty clearly the case. You don't sleep with a woman and then act all weird about it unless you're the one whose motives are messed up.
And so what? Why beat yourself up over it? In my dating experience, they are all wrong until you find one that is right. That's how it works. It's not about you, it's about finding someone "you" have something with and this is - for most people - really hard and largely a matter of good fortune.
Cut yourself some slack. Stop overthinking it and wondering what "you" did wrong. I've said this before, but it always comes back to what economists call "the endowment effect" - this only means something to you because you've made an emotional investment in it. In other words what you perceive is the value of your own investment (which you properly place value on) and not the value of the object itself. Now you're trying to recover some of your losses when writing them off totally is what a smart investor would do. Let it go. OK?
posted by three blind mice at 4:47 AM on November 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
".... between the recoil and the gross [way] he handled conversation about conflict..." I think this was pretty clearly the case. You don't sleep with a woman and then act all weird about it unless you're the one whose motives are messed up.
And so what? Why beat yourself up over it? In my dating experience, they are all wrong until you find one that is right. That's how it works. It's not about you, it's about finding someone "you" have something with and this is - for most people - really hard and largely a matter of good fortune.
Cut yourself some slack. Stop overthinking it and wondering what "you" did wrong. I've said this before, but it always comes back to what economists call "the endowment effect" - this only means something to you because you've made an emotional investment in it. In other words what you perceive is the value of your own investment (which you properly place value on) and not the value of the object itself. Now you're trying to recover some of your losses when writing them off totally is what a smart investor would do. Let it go. OK?
posted by three blind mice at 4:47 AM on November 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
My experience is that you'll really understand what happened here in about 15, 20 years. It's going to take a lot more time observing yourself and the patterns of your relationships to truly get it in a way that sinks in and benefits you. And you won't feel bad about it; you'll then just feel a comfort of self-knowledge.
In the short term, though: he doesn't matter, you did nothing wrong, he was not good to you, and the puzzle will continue to feel inexplicable for some time. Likely you will feel this way again. That's good data, so remember the feeling, it'll serve you well.
May I recommend as a soft guideline going forward that if you are crying in a fellow's house during a date because of the way he has treated you that you should then leave and go take care of yourself. You deserve it.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:38 AM on November 24, 2015 [9 favorites]
In the short term, though: he doesn't matter, you did nothing wrong, he was not good to you, and the puzzle will continue to feel inexplicable for some time. Likely you will feel this way again. That's good data, so remember the feeling, it'll serve you well.
May I recommend as a soft guideline going forward that if you are crying in a fellow's house during a date because of the way he has treated you that you should then leave and go take care of yourself. You deserve it.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:38 AM on November 24, 2015 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: I thought that I cried because I'm crazy and overreactive. And if this was the case, I wanted people to tell me.
Without writing an essay, I was severely abused by both parents growing up. I had no friends and no witnesses. I didn't have normal social experiences. These things are hard for me, obviously that's why I'm posting here. If things were clearer, I wouldn't be writing. I don't have a gauge on whether my behavior is normal or not. I don't know what I should expect from other people. I think the way to know is by reaching out and asking.
And three blind mice, that's a good economic theory but people aren't objects, so interactions between them in romantic relationships especially seem a lot more complicated to me than that. I'm not seeking to recoup my losses. I stated that I moved on and that this happened a few months ago. I am seeking to understand if it's ok for me to hurt, because that isn't a feeling I was ever allowed to feel. I don't know what's ok and not ok, even at my age. OK?
posted by a knot unknown at 5:51 AM on November 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Without writing an essay, I was severely abused by both parents growing up. I had no friends and no witnesses. I didn't have normal social experiences. These things are hard for me, obviously that's why I'm posting here. If things were clearer, I wouldn't be writing. I don't have a gauge on whether my behavior is normal or not. I don't know what I should expect from other people. I think the way to know is by reaching out and asking.
And three blind mice, that's a good economic theory but people aren't objects, so interactions between them in romantic relationships especially seem a lot more complicated to me than that. I'm not seeking to recoup my losses. I stated that I moved on and that this happened a few months ago. I am seeking to understand if it's ok for me to hurt, because that isn't a feeling I was ever allowed to feel. I don't know what's ok and not ok, even at my age. OK?
posted by a knot unknown at 5:51 AM on November 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Mod note: OP, this additional background will probably help answerers understand the context, and I think folks can help with some good advice, but Ask Metafilter isn't really for back and forth conversation, so going forward, you can just relax and take in the answers, and just choose what is helpful and useful for you. Thanks.
posted by taz (staff) at 6:15 AM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by taz (staff) at 6:15 AM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am seeking to understand if it's ok for me to hurt, because that isn't a feeling I was ever allowed to feel.
Yes, it is definitely okay for you to feel hurt. You could feel hurt even if it were completely your fault.
It's hard to evaluate this without knowing how the conversation about him being distant went, exactly. But it does seem like something changed when you two had sex.
Are you in therapy or a support group, by the way? If not, it seems like that could be helpful.
posted by salvia at 6:35 AM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yes, it is definitely okay for you to feel hurt. You could feel hurt even if it were completely your fault.
It's hard to evaluate this without knowing how the conversation about him being distant went, exactly. But it does seem like something changed when you two had sex.
Are you in therapy or a support group, by the way? If not, it seems like that could be helpful.
posted by salvia at 6:35 AM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Something like this happened to me on a smaller scale just last week and it's actually incredibly common. It's okay to feel hurt by it, whatever feelings you're having are totally valid. This really isn't about you, though. This is all him. If he's anything like the guys who have ghosted on me before, he needs to think of himself as a good guy, not the kind of guy who hurts a girl's feelings by telling her he's not interested in dating her. He's also motivated by selfishness -- he doesn't want to deal with an unpleasant scene, or have to feel any unpleasant emotions, or think about how his actions affect other people, so instead of experiencing the brief discomfort of being honest, he just fades away. Sometimes it reminds me of a small child's object impermanence... it's like playing romantic peekaboo, they think if they just hide a little we'll forget they exist or something. Anyway. The point is, it really is not you at all, because this is how they operate. Guys like this don't have their shit together enough to handle an actual relationship with an equal, which is why they typically end up either in long strings of entanglements like this or with younger women who don't know any better.
TL;DR version: this guy did you a favor by bouncing that early into things, instead of tangling you up for months in an on-again, off-again thing that just sucks out your energy and makes you feel like you're going crazy trying to keep his interest. Let him be someone else's problem.
posted by palomar at 7:43 AM on November 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
TL;DR version: this guy did you a favor by bouncing that early into things, instead of tangling you up for months in an on-again, off-again thing that just sucks out your energy and makes you feel like you're going crazy trying to keep his interest. Let him be someone else's problem.
posted by palomar at 7:43 AM on November 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
This wondering about who it was or why a relationship didn't work out is a normal response to have. I was dating a guy who I liked a lot but things ended a little bit weirdly, mainly because of his mental health issues. I ended up getting back together with a man who I still had feelings for. I am head over heals in love with my current fellow and would not want to go back to the other guy. In retrospect it was not a good fit at all. BUT I still turn over in my head whose "fault" it was, and what am I doing back with my guy, and is there anyone else out there, and I wish I could go back and say that awesome retort that I am just now thinking of or call him out on his lame ass response. I feel this way sometimes about my ex husband, who I split up with 10 years ago. I also still at times have it about a three date online guy who totally disappeared despite me feeling like we had connected. For me, I have had to practice having a compassionate conversation with myself where I tease out what I am really upset about. It's usually that I felt rejected. I spent a lot of my life denying my feelings because of my upbringing.
What you are feeling is normal. How you process it, and how much it occupies your mind space is the thing that you need to try and control.
posted by momochan at 7:46 AM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
What you are feeling is normal. How you process it, and how much it occupies your mind space is the thing that you need to try and control.
posted by momochan at 7:46 AM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
This reads to me like a guy who is conflicted between digging a woman and digging PUL bullshit, OR someone who suddenly has a new option like a re-emerging ex.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:50 AM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 7:50 AM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Let me speak directly to your question about whether or not crying was weird for you to do given the situation, and how you can evaluate such feelings in future situations. I grew up abused, so I feel you on this and have made many mistakes in seeking to calibrate my responses to things...
My rule of thumb, generally, is when someone or something makes you feel shitty, it's such a big world, the best choice is to quietly move on. I give this advice over and over again.
Have a friend that is charismatic but makes you feel insecure? Move on! Have a boss that sucks? Find another job! Dating someone that constantly makes you question yourself or them? Next!!
Sticking around when something makes you feel badly does not improve you. You can learn to learn from positive life experiences. If you grew up abused, you've already done lots of tough emotional work in life. You've done your penance. You are an adult now. It's OK to shift gears, get out of unpleasant environments, relationships, or unfair agreements. You have this power, so use it.
I have noticed successful people don't stick around when it isn't working for them. That's what makes them successful, usually. I see no reason not to do the same thing in my own life.
Hope that helps.
posted by jbenben at 8:10 AM on November 24, 2015 [9 favorites]
My rule of thumb, generally, is when someone or something makes you feel shitty, it's such a big world, the best choice is to quietly move on. I give this advice over and over again.
Have a friend that is charismatic but makes you feel insecure? Move on! Have a boss that sucks? Find another job! Dating someone that constantly makes you question yourself or them? Next!!
Sticking around when something makes you feel badly does not improve you. You can learn to learn from positive life experiences. If you grew up abused, you've already done lots of tough emotional work in life. You've done your penance. You are an adult now. It's OK to shift gears, get out of unpleasant environments, relationships, or unfair agreements. You have this power, so use it.
I have noticed successful people don't stick around when it isn't working for them. That's what makes them successful, usually. I see no reason not to do the same thing in my own life.
Hope that helps.
posted by jbenben at 8:10 AM on November 24, 2015 [9 favorites]
I am seeking to understand if it's ok for me to hurt, because that isn't a feeling I was ever allowed to feel. I don't know what's ok and not ok, even at my age. OK?
Yes, that's okay.
Here is what a number of us are saying: if it hurts, go away from it. And that it's the right thing to do.
Some of us keep touching the hot stove and thinking, "Well, maybe this stove doesn't hurt other people!" Or: "Maybe I shouldn't MIND that the hot stove hurts me!" Or: "Well I grew up in a family that loved to touch hot stoves so that's the way life is supposed to be."
But that's nonsense, right? The stove burns. When it hurts, the only reasonable choice is that we are supposed to take our hand away.
You were hurt when you encountered this person. Whether he was hurtful—and I think you understand that he was, and just aren't ready to say that about another person out loud yet—or whether the situation was just painful, you don't really need to distinguish.
It felt bad. And that's not good enough for you.
You will build a better library over time of what these feelings mean. Don't beat yourself up into trying to understand it all. It's frustrating. It'll all click together.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 8:16 AM on November 24, 2015 [13 favorites]
Yes, that's okay.
Here is what a number of us are saying: if it hurts, go away from it. And that it's the right thing to do.
Some of us keep touching the hot stove and thinking, "Well, maybe this stove doesn't hurt other people!" Or: "Maybe I shouldn't MIND that the hot stove hurts me!" Or: "Well I grew up in a family that loved to touch hot stoves so that's the way life is supposed to be."
But that's nonsense, right? The stove burns. When it hurts, the only reasonable choice is that we are supposed to take our hand away.
You were hurt when you encountered this person. Whether he was hurtful—and I think you understand that he was, and just aren't ready to say that about another person out loud yet—or whether the situation was just painful, you don't really need to distinguish.
It felt bad. And that's not good enough for you.
You will build a better library over time of what these feelings mean. Don't beat yourself up into trying to understand it all. It's frustrating. It'll all click together.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 8:16 AM on November 24, 2015 [13 favorites]
So the thing is we can't know why he did something without asking him. That said, most likely he's just an emotionally immature dude who praises openness in others while failing to see why proactive honesty is important for him to perform as well. Less charitably, encouraging others to be open and honest while being withholding yourself is an extremely effective power play.
Either way, inexplicable and rude behaviour is gone from your life. Celebrate that--the trash took itself out.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:27 AM on November 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
Either way, inexplicable and rude behaviour is gone from your life. Celebrate that--the trash took itself out.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:27 AM on November 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
Here's the thing. It doesn't matter if it was him, OR you.
Human beings are complex, we don't always understand ourselves let alone others around us. Perspectives are different depending on whose point of view you present. You'll never get an answer about this, but I guess you have to become okay with that, and better yet if you can stop feeling like you need one for closure.
Chalk it up to "some people are plain weird and not suited for me", and move on. It's the only way to date.
posted by shazzam! at 3:53 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Human beings are complex, we don't always understand ourselves let alone others around us. Perspectives are different depending on whose point of view you present. You'll never get an answer about this, but I guess you have to become okay with that, and better yet if you can stop feeling like you need one for closure.
Chalk it up to "some people are plain weird and not suited for me", and move on. It's the only way to date.
posted by shazzam! at 3:53 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
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This is what a friend of mine refers to as an "edge of the bed" experience. The sex isn't that great, you're not really into the person, and so you spend the night on the edge of the bed as far from showing any affection as you can get without being downright insulting.
He's just not that into you and he thinks he's being nice by not just telling you that. It happens. It's no one's "fault". Don't overthink it. Let it go.
posted by three blind mice at 2:31 AM on November 24, 2015 [7 favorites]