How to friend as an adult?

November 12, 2015 2:07 PM

What is the best way to handle friendships ending?

This isn't a question of how to make friends. It's more about what to do after friendships inexplicably go south. How do you handle conflict without coming off as being dramatic or childish?

I had a small group of friends who would regularly hang out, sometimes as often as twice a week, sometimes only once or twice a month. We all did the birthday and holiday things. I helped them move, helped them paint their living rooms, etc. This was a steady pattern for a few years. Then, 3-6 months ago, during our casual conversations, some of my friends would start slipping in little jabs toward me (relatively innocuous--implying I was stupid for having a different opinion; ribbing me if I were in a dress while they were in jeans, etc.--but not said to the others in the group). I still got invited to events, but when I'd show up, it's almost as though I weren't there. When I invited them to my birthday, only one responded to say she wasn't coming. Silence from the rest. I announced my engagement (on Facebook, but still) and only one reached out to me (with a text).

I know I'm overly sensitive, but to me, all this points to "they're just not that into you," which is okay--people change, grow apart, etc. But is it weird to reach out to see if I did something specifically to hurt/offend them? (I'm rather socially inept, introverted, socially anxious, with a tendency toward paranoia, etc., so while I can't think of anything I've done to hurt or offend them, I could have done something without even realizing it.) Or should I just write this off and try to get on with my life? Am I overthinking this? I'll admit, I've kind of been obsessing.

I've asked two people (men, for what it's worth; the group, and I, are all women) if I should ask the group if I've done something to offend and both said, "I have no idea; women are atrocious to each other" (which I don't agree with, but it does seem there are very subtle and nuanced and confounding--and tacit!--rules for interaction that I don't notice as much (or at all) when I'm interacting with my guy friends).

I guess what I'm asking is: Is it better to Use My Words and see if there's anything I can do to salvage these friendships or just read the writing on the wall and let myself be ghosted?

posted by dearwassily to Human Relations (17 answers total)

Well, I'm sorry that you aren't getting the enjoyment that you had grown to expect from these relationships; that's a very valid thing to mourn.

However, it sounds like these have turned into the kind of friends you can live without. My guess is that you didn't do anything to offend them, but they got jealous/annoyed by something that you probably couldn't change anyway, and therefore feel the need to take you down a peg. The way you've described these little jabs sounds so ad hominem. Completely unnecessary.

Who does that? People who aren't very nice, that's who.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't be sad at the loss of these friendships, nor that finding friends isn't hard. But I reached a point where I decided that life was too short to merely be tolerated by people.
posted by St. Hubbins at 2:23 PM on November 12, 2015

I would ask the one friend who you feel closest to or maybe the one who responded to your birthday/engagement if there was something that happened as you don't hear from the gang as much as before.

Random aside, are these ladies mostly single? Is it possible they either don't like your fiancé or are jealous of your relationship (any past history of your partner with the other ladies?).
posted by saradarlin at 2:38 PM on November 12, 2015

For the whole group to go south like that, almost in unison, tends to make me believe that someone is talking out about you to the rest of the group. Agree with Saradarlin's suggestion to reach out to the one that you're still close to, and see if they are willing to give up the ghost on what happened.

I would definitely Move On Dot Org from this group, and find others who are just as awesome as yourself and be happy.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 2:40 PM on November 12, 2015

I think you need to use your words here depending on how much you like these people. Is there anyone in the group that you care enough about to maintain a separate relationship? If this is a group that's a convenience rather than a string of true friendships maybe you just let it die on the vine.
posted by 26.2 at 3:01 PM on November 12, 2015

Captain Awkward has a ton on this, and also great advice for making and finding new friends. These people seem a little cliquish and immature, but there could be one or two people worth keeping in your own circle. Work on that- and read Captain Akward, she is AWESOME at this social group stuff.
posted by TenaciousB at 3:07 PM on November 12, 2015

Move on, then ask -- if you want. That is, trust your feelings -- it is definitely over from what you report. Commit, in your mind, to moving away from that relationship, and once you've understood that to be the case internally, ask someone about what happened, if you still care after that. You may not care anymore, and that's good too.

The reason I don't dismiss the idea of asking is that sometimes it can be a learning experience to find out in a more empirical way that your gut was right, and sometimes (but very, very rarely) you might find a personal behavior that you should fix. We are often distrustful of our gut, and simultaneously unaware of our own biases, which is confusing.

That said, I had a very similar thing happen to me (I'm a guy, but it happened after I got married, strangely enough). I was very confused for a long time about it until I realized the problem was I had just invested too much into the group and the group had changed and *I* had changed. That is, it was a combination of a few immature people in a larger group, and my projection onto the entire group from that. And the thing is, it didn't matter. Even if I faded away partly due to my own anxieties, it wasn't like people were calling up wondering where I had gone or treating me any better when I was there. They didn't really care.

I learned a lot about the warning signs from that, and not to take abuse hoping that it is temporary.

I'm pretty sure your ex-group doesn't really care either. It's slightly depressing, but it's also freeing to realize that what you do to them is not important.. so go ahead, if you want, ask them uncomfortable questions... it's not your problem if they are uncomfortable or can't give you a straight answer.
posted by smidgen at 3:21 PM on November 12, 2015

I'm a gay guy, but I definitely noticed this sort of thing happening during the period in my life when I was slowly transitioning from reliable barfly party boy to partnered responsible adult. When I lost my dance-for-us-monkey shine, a large swathe of people I considered close friends started to get bored with, or even frustrated by, my presence. It hurt, to say the least, but a lot of time has passed and thinking about it now--believe it or not--I seriously wish I had made more of an issue of it at the time. I took the high road when it was happening and stayed silent about it.

As follow up, I was recently back in the city where this group of people mostly still live. I randomly bumped into one of them, the one I'd been closest to, and we awkwardly went out to have a drink at an old haunt. I brought it up. It was pretty raw and weird, but I feel so relieved to have brought it up. Unfortunately, I didn't get any kind of response that I'd consider helpful or informative. I think that's because it's hard for people to talk about what pushes people apart, so maybe we give simplistic answers (or denial). And at the the end of the day, my goal wasn't to understand the change. My goal was to address it, and let them know that it was hurtful and very much noticed.

So I say go for it. Why not?
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:28 PM on November 12, 2015

I has something like this happen. It broke my heart, I mourned it, and then when the feeling didn't go away, I confronted one of them.

When it got to the hard question, she evaded, and then gave a BS answer. It hurt.

I gave up on her, and then some months later the hurt resurfaced when I saw her again. I stopped her, and with tears in my eyes told her that she hurt me terribly, reminded her that I never did anything wrong, and that I didn't deserve such shit treatment. She said she was sorry, with almost no emotion, and asked to hug me. I said no.

All said and done, I'm very glad I confronted her/them. It resolved any sense of worry, and affirmed for me that we're not friends, and I never want to be again. I realized that people who are willing to do such hurtful things to me, don't deserve to be in my life.

I'm sure you'll figure that out eventually, too.
posted by meeeese at 4:53 PM on November 12, 2015

This sounds terrible, I'm sorry. This is the kind of thing you expect to hear about in middle or high school, but not from adults. Unfortunately, it does seem to carry over sometimes into adulthood as well - usually when there is one or two dominant members of the group who set the tone.

It sounds to me like there's not much left for you in this friend group, which is too bad. But - people don't come as a package deal. Are there certain members of the group who you still like hanging out with and who have not treated you crappily? If so, I'd definitely try to keep those friendships going, and maybe eventually ask them what happened with the rest of the group. If not, then I would probably just move on and not ask - but there's not a lot of potential harm in asking, especially if you've already moved on.
posted by lunasol at 5:22 PM on November 12, 2015

It happens, even in adulthood. I think you're better off not trying to find out why, though. There's no way in hell you're gonna be able to live with that answer, and the worst has already happened. I've just come to the conclusion that sometimes people snap and either no longer like you or outright hate you and that's just how life goes.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:21 PM on November 12, 2015

My crackpot theory is you did or didn't do something and all of a sudden, everyone tore you to pieces behind your back at some point. They all had a great time ripping you to shreds. Then, they convinced themselves that you weren't worth their time anymore and started to act accordingly.

Is this fair? No. Does it happen? Yeah.

I don't think you'll ever worm your way back into the fold; their guilty consciences won't allow for it. What you could try would be to approach them one by one and don't bring "it" up. Just say, "Hey, Sally, wanna meet for coffee?" If she doesn't respond, cross her off your list.
Then, "Hey, Linda, want to meet for coffee?" If she responds, meet her for coffee and just be happy and breezy and don't bring "it" up. Linda doesn't want to be pumped for information because she probably acted atrociously towards you and said things she's not proud of.

You'll probably never know what you did or didn't do. Does it matter? No. They all needed a feeding frenzy or something to bond over and you provided it.

I've been dumped and I've dumped others. It's a nasty, ugly business but it happens. I'm still mourning relationships that went south from 15 years ago.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 3:43 AM on November 13, 2015

Sometimes there's one person in a group who isn't as good a fit. I've definitely been in social groups where there are one or two outliers, generally the one quiet person in a group of extroverts, or the loud person in a group of quiet people, or just the one person who doesn't share the same interests. There's no actual dislike involved, just a sense that this one person doesn't mesh very well with the rest.

I'm going to disagree with people above who are saying this group are bad or immature people. I just can't tell that from the information provided. I also really object to the idea that it has anything to do with their gender. It just sounds to me like they are just not your type of people, full stop.

I don't think that asking for clarification can do you any good, sorry, because sometimes there just isn't a clear answer. Doesn't sound to me like you've done anything to offend them, you just don't fit in that well with them. I promise you that any answer you do get from them will probably just lead to more obsessing. The best thing you can do is fade out yourself, walk away and find friends who are more sympathetic to you. On preview, what jenfullmoon said.
posted by Ziggy500 at 3:46 AM on November 13, 2015

Is it better to {...} just read the writing on the wall and let myself be ghosted?

This. 100%. Otherwise, you might not like their answer.
posted by Kwadeng at 5:11 AM on November 13, 2015

Nthing what others have said. Also? There's a high likelihood that if you did ask, the person you ask would give you a strawman answer. Real friends – even a single real friend in the group – would have told you by now for anything genuine. That hasn't happened, and the reason could be just not meshing, or a scapegoat thing. In either case you won't get a real answer now.

Go forth and find new people! In time you'll see more clearly how you no longer fit with this group, I bet. I had a "best friend" in high school and university who dumped me unceremoniously, said it was my fault for giving her a bad birthday gift (I was a poor student, so yeah, it wasn't a terrific gift...) and didn't speak to me again for 15 years, until Facebook came along. When we reconnected, I realized she'd never been a great friend, but a schmooze, and that once she'd gotten what she wanted from people, she was constantly putting out petty reasons for disliking and dropping them. At that instant, I also realized that it had never occurred to me in my then-35 years on the planet to critique a gift from a close friend. The whole thing was revelatory. Sad, but revelatory.

Part of adulthood is gaining more perspective, knowing ourselves better, and having a better idea of what's healthy in relationships. A lot of that is learned through painful experiences like these. Empathy and self-reflection are what help us grow – no worries, you're adulting well.
posted by fraula at 5:27 AM on November 13, 2015

Is there a single queen bee (or king bee, whatever) in this pack who thrives on gossip and drama? It just takes one shit-stirrer who has decided you're one degree off of the norm of the group (even if it's something positive and possibly envy provoking, like the response you get from men/women when you go out, etc.) to subtly "turn" a not-so-mature group with a pack mentality. The big "tell" is whether or not you've got a big (and miserable in some way) gossip in the group, I've found. The target of wild speculation and gleeful, weirdly middle schoolish character attacks will eventually circle around to being you if you're quieter, louder, nerdier, hipper, thinner, fatter, poorer, richer, more extroverted, more deferential, etc. than the majority group baseline. I no longer engage in these kinds of groups anymore, and there is nothing like the sensation, years later, of running into someone from one of those groups and thinking, "huh, why was I even hanging out with people like that in the first place instead of the people I enjoy in my life now?" (The sad thing, to keep it real, is how implausible it can be to assimilate into a social group that's a "thing" as a "social group" if you're diverse from the norm in any way at all, no matter how well and affectionately you treat people. We truly are pack animals.)
posted by blue suede stockings at 7:11 AM on November 13, 2015

I wish I'd never asked my former best friend. After months of just being ignored or "Oh yeah, maybe." with no followup, I finally called him and asked because I had to know if I was still at least going to the wedding (I had originally been asked to officiate). I got a really generic explanation that I had developed a tone. He had never mentioned it or tried to work anything out just one day a switch flipped.

It didn't feel good in the end. It just felt like I'd wasted my time and energy on someone. A real friend would invest in the friendship, and he clearly was no longer my friend if indeed he ever actually was beyond that it was easy for him. There's a lot of people out there.

But if it's important to you, go for it. That's just my story. If my friend reached out to talk and apologized, I'd listen and we could probably be friends again. But that would be far too much work/actually make yourself vulnerable so I assume he will never do that. Most people won't put themselves out there for a thing like that.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:31 PM on November 13, 2015

I think the cases where I would discuss a friend-dump (or more accurately, a friend-drop/dial-back) would be pretty rare and special.

If it were a very very good friend, where I had so much love for her AND so much confidence in her ability to handle a difficult conversation with potentially very personal implications, I might try to discuss things with her before dialing back the friendship. I would probably broach the subject pretty carefully and only proceed if I were getting good go-ahead signals.

If I decided not to do that, and she noticed and asked my what happened, I would be very wary about answering. There was probably a reason I didn't discuss it in the first place.

On top of that, there is an element of humility. Just because someone doesn't suit me so well as a friend, does that mean she needs to be criticized? I would want her to have friends that can affirm her and enjoy her how she is, not for her to feel like she needs to adjust herself.

And then, there are some people who probably do need to adjust themselves. But I'm not a professional who can make that diagnosis and I'm also not someone they'd probably take that feedback from, and it wouldn't do them any good anyway.

I think if I had a friend I needed distance from who struck me as socially inept/anxious with a tendency towards paranoia, I would be the most likely to be extremely careful/reticent to give her critical social feedback. I would suspect it would do her no good, possibly do her harm, and possibly harm me in the social blowback. If I was finding her difficult on some level, which can happen even with friends I really treasure, I would give myself the space from/in the friendship that I needed to be able to stay on a positive level with her and maximize the chances of keeping the friendship intact long term.

There are reasons why people advise against giving a thorough and honest explanation for dumping someone and they map fairly well onto friendship ending as well.

I think that if you are looking to ask someone for that kind of feedback, it would be helpful to recognize that you are actually asking for an enormous favor, and asking her to go out on a pretty big social limb to help you out. It also doesn't make sense to ask someone whom you aren't even sure whether you respect/like.

If you are really worried that it's you, maybe the more productive thing to do would be to check whether you come across as the kind of person who deals with personal difficult conversations/confrontations mildly and positively and practice strategies for seeking social feedback in a way that feels safe for both you and your interlocutor. Those are good skills to have regardless.

Is it the same friend who rsvp-ed no to your birthday and who texted you on your engagement? If it is, it may be worth trying to preserve the friendship with her, even if on a less intense level. Just because you had been a group for a while does not mean that the relationships can only move forward as a group or not at all.

Friendships and group dynamics do change and evolve. Sometimes things are just coincidence. Maybe you inadvertently did say or do something really hurtful. Maybe one of them honestly misunderstood you and thought that you did. Maybe they are just immature jerks. I feel like it's impossible for us to know, from this distance, who if anybody is an asshole. But it definitely sounds like these people have pulled back a bit and even if it's just an ebb and flow, it sounds like it would be helpful for you to think through some of your own social challenges/needs (possibly with a therapist) and to make sure you have other friends and social networks in your life.
posted by Salamandrous at 2:08 PM on November 14, 2015