Help me win her over with music

December 10, 2005 11:18 AM

Im just starting out in a relationship with a really great girl. Problem is, when we met she was also starting a relationship with another guy. Now shes torn between us. Help me win her over musically.

I'm pretty sure I'm "winning". Weve spent almost every day this last week together and have an amazing bond already. I really want to win her over with a great CD of music.

What songs will say I want to be with her, without using the L word? And if possible, are humorous.

Currently have:
Such Great Height - The Postal Service
I Just Wanna Be Loved - AM Radio (its ok to say *I* need love, but not that I LOVE her)
As Lovers Go - Dashboard Confessional
Strange & Beautiful - Aqualung
Only You - Caesar's Palace (we always poke fun at each other)
Dice (Feat. Beth Orton) - Finley Quaye
Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Jet
Nothing Compares 2 U - Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Heal Me, I'm Heartsick - No Vacancy
Save Me - Remy Zero
Let Me Love You - Mario
Ever Fallen In Love - The Buzzcocks

Varid styles is good. We both have very broad tastes.

(also, any advice about on how to handle this slightly icky situation would be welcome)

posted by lemonfridge to media & arts (57 comments total)

The Aquabats - Lovers of Loving Love (too much love?)
Andrew W.K. - She is Beautiful

That's all I got right now.
posted by nitsuj at 11:27 AM on December 10, 2005

"Girlfriend" by Matthew Sweet and "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend" by the Ramones strike me a must-includes.

Two other good ones I'm fond of for mixes of this sort are "Slackjawed" by the Connells and "At First Sight" by the Stems.
posted by scody at 11:41 AM on December 10, 2005

I would advise not to push things and "woo" her; honestly, I have found that giving people the freedom (and setting a precedence of letting people live pressure-less lives) works out really well in the end. Let them know that you want them to choose on their own time and when they're ready and usually that'll give them the bump they need to know they can be themselves around you, regardless of what it might do to you.

GL.
posted by dflemingdotorg at 11:41 AM on December 10, 2005

"I wanna be loved by you" by Marilyn Monroe, from the Some Like It Hot soundtrack? It's a cool song with silly scat bits.
posted by Lotto at 11:50 AM on December 10, 2005

Do you really want to start a relationship with a girl who's already in relationship and is torn? If she's not faithful to me, what makes you think she'll be faithful to you?

Just food for thought.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:52 AM on December 10, 2005

I would advise not (necessarily) heeding dflemingdotorg's advice. It depends on the person.

Several years back I made a mix tape like this for a girl who I was trying to "woo" and it apparently worked. We're still together, almost 3 years now. Some girls like that type of stuff, some don't; it would seem that you'd be the best judge of that amongst a community of strangers.

Both of those songs I listed were on said mix tape, though I can't remember any more of them.
posted by nitsuj at 11:54 AM on December 10, 2005

You do know that a girl who is "torn between" two people will string out said situation as long as possible, don't you?

I hope you don't share a dorm hallway with that other guy.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 12:11 PM on December 10, 2005

the other guy is long distance, and they dont see each other very often. (thankfully)

Im giving her loads of space, but want to giver her a message with the CD, that i REALLY want her in my life.
posted by lemonfridge at 12:18 PM on December 10, 2005

My favorites: Lover's Spit (Redux) by Broken Social Scene, All I Bring You Is Love by Diane Cluck, Publish My Love by Rogue Wave, Girl Like You by Pete Yorn, Sonnet 29 by Rufus Wainwright, Say Hello To The Angels by Interpol, He Lays In The Reins by Calexico/Iron & Wine, Fratres by Arvo Pärt, It's In Our Hands by Björk, One Dance by Dan Bern, Quedate Luna by Devendra Banhart, The Source in B Minor by Marzuki, Love Me Or Leave Me by Nina Simone, Chinese New Year by Per se/Anne Adams, For The Widows In Paradise and Vitto's Ordination Song by Sufjan Stevens.
posted by cior at 12:20 PM on December 10, 2005

I'd vote strongly against Such Great Heights. Some Dan Bern songs that fit your criteria (in that they are also humorous also, I love Dan):

Eva
Estelle
Jerusalem
New American Lanaguage
Albuquerque Lullaby
posted by panoptican at 12:36 PM on December 10, 2005

can i ask why the vote against SGH?
posted by lemonfridge at 12:38 PM on December 10, 2005

fell in love with a girl by the white stripes
don't leave me girl by blackstreet
officially missing you by tamia
wish i didn't miss you by angie stone
green eyes by erykah badu
waiting for a girl like you by foreigner (cheesy but good)
posted by heartquake at 12:42 PM on December 10, 2005

I would definitely recommend against putting songs on the mix with themes/lyrics about you wanting her to be your girlfriend, "I Just Wanna be Loved," "Only You" etc. Just making her a kick ass mix tape/cd with out these "suggestive" songs would probably help your case more, in my opinion, and she would still get the idea that you want to be with her. Doing otherwise may make you look too "eager" which may push her away. In my case I made the girl I had been dating for a couple of weeks a hip-hop/R&B mix, of songs I liked and were fairly general (no gangster rap, nothing too obscure). I did put one--just one--song on there however, that could imply I wanted to be with her, India Arie's "Can You Be a Part of My Life." She later told me this mix was what sealed the deal for me. Also, this may sound lame and childish, but in my experience you will do much better with women if they get the sense that you'll be fine without them/ that you don't need them. Play it cool, show some interest, but I again would say don't give her songs that make you look eager. My $.02.
posted by slow, man at 12:44 PM on December 10, 2005

A few more that just popped in my head

i wanna be your lover by prince
i'm the one you need by the jackson 5
if you're not the one by daniel bedingfield
posted by heartquake at 12:48 PM on December 10, 2005

can i ask why the vote against SGH?

I don't think the lyrics at all match the message you are trying to convey. Aside from them being pretty cheesy, the lyrics are saying that this person is made for you, that it was meant to be, so on and so forth (i would like to speculate that god himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay). Plus at this point, it has been so overplayed.

Also, another fun song that's actually pretty explicit about your intentions:
The Ramones - I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend
posted by panoptican at 12:52 PM on December 10, 2005

"Celeste Aida", a famous aria from Verdi's Aida. free download here

translation here:

And to return to you, my sweet Aida,
crowned with laurels…
to tell you: for you I fought, for you I conquered!

Heavenly Aida, form divine,
mystical garland of light and flowers,
of my thoughts you are the queen,
you are the light of my life.

I would return to you your lovely sky,
the gentle breezes of your native land;
a royal crown on your brow I would set,
build you a throne next to the sun.

Heavenly Aida, form divine,
mystical gleam of light and flowers

posted by matteo at 12:58 PM on December 10, 2005

I think slow, man's advice is the best, just speaking as a girl who's recieved a few mixtapes in my life.
posted by statolith at 1:12 PM on December 10, 2005

I did her 2 right after we met. One of general good stuff, and another of chillout tunes.

Shes already mentioned that "Dream Lover" by Bobby Darin makes her think of me *heart skips a beat*.

This one is just to state my intentions, and then back off.
posted by lemonfridge at 1:31 PM on December 10, 2005

i would highly recommend antony and the johnsons - i am a bird now.

she'll be yours forever.
posted by specialk420 at 1:32 PM on December 10, 2005

I also agree with slow, man. The fact alone that you're making a mix for her already says a lot, and I would warn against overdoing it. Instead, take time and do research and make a mix that you think she will really like. Say, 25% artists you know she likes and 75% artists you think she will like. Extra points if you can find a band you think she will like covering a song by one of her favorite artists. What you really want is for her to play it a lot because then she'll think of you every time she does. You can throw in a couple of love songs (isn't that what 95% of songs are about, anyway?) but it shouldn't be anything overweeningly earnest. Keep it cool, something upbeat and not too serious, like The Beatles' 'I Wanna Be Your Man'.
posted by Kronoss at 1:32 PM on December 10, 2005

she plays the first one i did for her all the time already (hence Dream Lover ref). it was 100% new stuff for her and she loves it.

The more I think about things. The more I worry why she is still torn. :s
posted by lemonfridge at 1:40 PM on December 10, 2005

Magnetic Fields - The Luckiest Guy On the Lower East Side
posted by rafter at 2:03 PM on December 10, 2005

She's Crafty by the Beastie Boys.
posted by bondcliff at 2:07 PM on December 10, 2005

"Maps" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs--very beautiful and simple, plus it includes the line "They don't love you like I love you," which seems to be the sentiment you're trying to express
posted by feathermeat at 2:17 PM on December 10, 2005

Okay, you did ask for advice on handling your situation. I was once the girl torn between two wonderful guys. I finally broke up with the long-distance guy. After I did, it seemed that the close-proximity guy, whom I was crazy for, got used to being my real boyfriend -- lost his motivation to be the ultimate best guy for me, maybe? Or maybe I wanted more drama. Anyway, my relationship with him started to go downhill after his rival and I called it quits.

Also, when I was seeing both of them, I'd think a lot about the differences between them. LD guy was very supportive emotionally and we had a true and deep friendship. CP guy was very romantic and intense and exciting.

Years later, it looks to me as if neither one was really what I needed. I wanted romance and friendship. Later on, I found both with the right guy. Of course, later on I was lucky enough to have lost my immature tolerance/desire for drama and chaos.

My advice: guard your heart. Enjoy what you have right now. She's not cheating on anybody if everybody knows what's going on. And keep in mind that she's probably enjoying the situation immensely while simultaneously feeling a lot of pain.
posted by wryly at 2:26 PM on December 10, 2005

can i ask why the vote against SGH?

Because it's totally played out, and if offered sincerely and unironically on a "love mix" is rather cheesy?

But that's the problem with these questions; they're too subjective. I would never try to win a girl over with a mix of music. What are you trying to do here? Communicate a message through the themes/lyrics of the songs? It strikes me as a little juvenile to take that kind of "I can't put my feelings into words, but these pop songs can" approach, but maybe that's just me.

If, on the other hand, you want her to like you because you're giving her good music, that's a totally different question, but again it's very subjective. It depends on the girl. I mean, Dashboard Confessional? Jet? I might tell you to take that stuff off before she thinks you're lame. But I won't, because I don't know either of you, so chances are that's not true.

Anyway, if I were going to do this, I'd probably just give her 69 Love Songs, Vol. 1. If not that, then at least "All My Little Words."
posted by ludwig_van at 2:40 PM on December 10, 2005

The obvious answer: "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" by The Smiths.

Also: "Head Full of Steam" by the Go-Betweens.
posted by josh at 2:46 PM on December 10, 2005

Personally I don't think that going all out with love/coutship songs is really the way to go. I think it makes you come off as being more desperate than attractive. When I make a mix tape for somebody such as you want to create, I try to pick songs that make me feel the way that person makes you feel. Unique and lush songs, songs of indescribable beauty, songs of reflection and appreciation, songs of isolation and togetherness. Basically, the songs you've listed are (as fas as subject matter is concerned) one song done in 10 or 12 variations.

Try putting a bit more subjective depth and detail into your mix- my experience is that when you present reticent women with pure desire they tend to shy away from you. She wants to find you on her own terms. She knows you're attracted to her, so it isn't necessary to tell her the same with 12 or 15 love songs. In fact, girls that I know who have recieved such mixes (as a courtship mix and not a consummation mix) find it extremely creepy. Save the list you have for later...for now, tell her about yourself, not how strongly you desire her.

Also, you could just skip the mix tape entirely and write her a song. You'd be suprised how far a few major chords can get you.
posted by baphomet at 3:06 PM on December 10, 2005

I was in a similar situation years ago. We had an amazing chemistry but she chose the one who had the resources to help her get thru med school. I was devastated at the time, but ended up meeting someone who is my best friend as well as the love of my life. Things apparently worked out for her also as she finished med school, got married, and had a kid. Not sure how she's doing now, but I think of her sometimes. In the end I think things worked out the best for both of us, but just be prepared if you're not the one chosen, I was crushed and depressed for months, even though I thought I had prepared myself mentally for not being "the one". Sometimes practicality and logic wins out over emotion,whether we like it or not.
posted by white_devil at 3:10 PM on December 10, 2005

Basically, the songs you've listed are (as fas as subject matter is concerned) one song done in 10 or 12 variations.

Also, you could just skip the mix tape entirely and write her a song. You'd be suprised how far a few major chords can get you.

Yes and yes. The latter is what I thought this question was going to be about when I read the front page description.
posted by ludwig_van at 3:16 PM on December 10, 2005

If it's not creepy, or weird, a song about a girl can win her over. Just ask my fiance.
posted by nev at 3:31 PM on December 10, 2005

Another vote against "message-specific" songs in any great number. One or two is sly and cute, but a whole tape/CD-full is needy and a bit whiny. Just go for abundant musical awesomeness.
posted by desuetude at 3:48 PM on December 10, 2005

mixtapes and mixcds are odd. i think that you've got the right attitude: "i want you in my life" over "i want you out of the other dood's life," though i'm not sure which "i want you in my pants" should be over.

at any rate, best of luck in yr efforts.

some quick n ez suggestions for accessible tunes:

1. delta - could you
2. magnetic fields - i'm tongue-tied
3. red house painters - revelation big sur
4. pavement - AT&T
5. luna - malibu love nest
6. versus - glitter of love
7. aarktika - ocean
8. true love always - party time
9. red elvises - my love is killing me
10. my bloody valentine - soon
11. +/- - megalomaniac
12. yo la tengo - the whole of the law.

sprinkle sound clips from movies (hook up yr dvd player to yr computer or summin) liberally, as needed.
posted by herrdoktor at 4:34 PM on December 10, 2005

10. my bloody valentine - soon

Oh man, I totally dig Loveless, but I don't know about "accessible."
posted by ludwig_van at 4:39 PM on December 10, 2005

Oh man, I totally dig Loveless, but I don't know about "accessible."
yeah, i dunno whut i was thinkin. i just went all bananas over songs i like, i spose.

i think baphomet's answer is pretty good. i once made a dippy song for this cute popcorn concession counter girl at a local theater (who also chose the music that played before movies started) , and it worked, sorta. a year or two after the fact, she said it was swell n stuff. etc. 8P

anyway, yeah. the more i think about it, the more slapping together a whole bunch of songs essentially saying the same thing seems interesting. no. wait. the other one. tedious. maybe this is why I GET NO MACKITUDE. cry.
posted by herrdoktor at 4:54 PM on December 10, 2005

Ride of the Valkyries.
posted by gsteff at 6:28 PM on December 10, 2005

Ride of the Valkyries.

Well, sure, if she loves the smell of napalm in the morning.
posted by scody at 6:41 PM on December 10, 2005

Love The One You're With

Take Me To Your Heart
posted by geekyguy at 7:07 PM on December 10, 2005

Go for it. Don't try to be clever or impress her with your mad indy song-knowing skillz, just pick stuff you like that relates to your relationship. Songs about things you like to do together or about the place she's from or places you've been that make her think of you. No generic love songs, even if you have to go with music neither one of you would normally listen to. There are country songs about everything so that's a good place to look. You're not trying to make her favourite CD of all time, you're trying to show her that you actually pay attention and think about her.
posted by fshgrl at 7:14 PM on December 10, 2005

All My Little Words would be kind of awesome, but it might be a smidge too representative of the real sitch. Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side might be a skosh too self-effacing. I'd go for The Way You Say Goodnight instead.
I might throw on some Belle and Sebastian; I find that I like people just a little better when I find out they like Belle and Sebastian. You're Just a Baby is fun, not too serious, and seems appropriate. Simple Things less so, but it's a damn good song. Oooh, or Waiting for the Moon to Rise. Or Photo Jenny! Ahem. Let's move on.
Little Bit of You by Laura Cantrell is great, great, great.
How about Big Star? When My Baby's Beside Me rules. Or the Black Keys? I'll Be Your Man is so good.
Cheap Trick could be sweet. I Want You To Want Me (live, naturally) might strike just the right chord.
Elvis? (Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear is about as classic as classic gets. Oooh, or Cat Stevens–Here Comes My Baby!
Ladies love Jonathan Richman; You Can't Talk to the Dude seems to fit here.
Ehh, that's all I've got.
posted by willpie at 7:16 PM on December 10, 2005

Why should she choose between you? And why should you compete with the other guy?
posted by davy at 7:19 PM on December 10, 2005

I might throw on some Belle and Sebastian; I find that I like people just a little better when I find out they like Belle and Sebastian.

Well, I like you just a little bit better now, too. How about We Rule the School?
posted by ludwig_van at 7:30 PM on December 10, 2005

Don't give her romantic. Give her sexy. Skip I Just Called To Say I Love You. Put on Boogie On Reggae Woman. To that end:

Brazilian Girls: Don't Stop
Magnetic Fields: Fido, Your Leash Is Too Long
Outkast (Andre 3000): Happy Valentine's Day
Prince: She's Always In My Hair
Soul Coughing: Soft Serve

All on iTMS, I think.
posted by mkultra at 7:31 PM on December 10, 2005

Here are a few songs that came to mind. I definitely vote against SGH. I would also suggest mixing it up a bit in subject, the list I made is specific to your situation, especially the MMJ track which I think is probably a bit too blunt: "Don't try and tell me there's another boy, don't try and use me like a lover's toy". Probably the sexiest of the songs is the Van Morrison track (lyrics).

Evelyn Is Not Real - My Morning Jacket (The Tennessee Fire)
Ballerina - Van Morrison (Astral Weeks)
Place To Be - Nick Drake (Pink Moon)
A Sight to Behold - Devendra Banhardt (Rejoicing In The Hands)

ludvig_van: What about "Seeing Other People"? :)
posted by Mijo Bijo at 7:40 PM on December 10, 2005

Make a cool mix and include David Gray's Be Mine. I think it might be slightly freaky to have a CD that was all . . . for lack of a better term, explicit. A guy made a great tape for me once, that that included everything from Elvis Costello to Sid Vicious. I think it might be cooler if it was all songs that put you in mind of her (whatever, they are, whatever genre, whatever they're about . . . just, whatever). That's going to come off as requiring more thought, IMHO.

Warning: All of these lyrics sites have stupid pop-ups. FireFox ate them for me. May the force be with you.
posted by Medieval Maven at 8:13 PM on December 10, 2005

Oh, and the Library of Congress has awesome audio you can get and use to bridge the tracks, if you're all fancy like that.
posted by Medieval Maven at 8:18 PM on December 10, 2005

I tell you, there's nothing as romantic as mix cd by committee! Oy.

If you're sure a mix cd is sending the right message, then choose stuff you know and love and that speaks to you. That's what makes it work, not the perfect songs but the ones that when she says "I like track three, what's that" you can tell her not only the title and the artist but also the story behind the song for you.

(Also keep in mind that nowadays getting a mix cd from someone over, say, 20 might raise an eyebrow, the hipsters having all been rounded up, hogtied with their white belts and thrown into a vat of PBR. It might send the same sort of vibe as a promise ring outside of high school, if you know what I mean.)
posted by mendel at 9:23 PM on December 10, 2005

How, how, how did this thread get so long with no one suggesting "Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps" by Doris Day?

if you can't make your mind up
we'll never get started
and i don't wanna wind up
being parted
broken-hearted

Any girl who fails to laugh at that isn't worth the cost of a blank CD. ;)
posted by precipice at 10:43 PM on December 10, 2005

"Happy Together", The Turtles
posted by 6:1 at 10:55 PM on December 10, 2005

Ooh, ooh -- "I'm Straight" by Jonathan Richman and the Moden Lovers!

I saw you today, you know, walk by with hippie Johnny.
Look, I had to call up and say, I want to take his place.
See he's stoned, hippie Johnny.
Now get this, I'm straight and I want to take his place.
Now look, I like him too, I like hippie Johnny.
But I'm straight
and I want to take his place.

For the record, I used the Doris Day one with my fianceé, before we started saying the L word to each other. Worked like a charm. And "I'm Straight" reduced an ex to teary-eyed laughter once.
posted by precipice at 10:58 PM on December 10, 2005

As always with personal advice on AskMe, we're just throwing darts in a pitch-black room. Something, I don't know what, compels me to suggest, though, that this is the sort of thing I tried a lot in high school. I should also point out that I was always the one not picked in high school. I was passed over in favor of the guy who was ignoring the girl with whom I was smitten. I realized something prosaic and dumb, but important for a young fella trying to "win" the girl - that shit sells movies rather than happening in real life. Once I decided that I had to be interested in myself before anyone else would be interested in me, I made my last mixtape. The very next girl I met is still with me 11 years later...
posted by Slothrop at 10:17 AM on December 11, 2005

ludwig_van: How about We Rule the School?

Lovely song, maybe a bit twee for current purposes?

I mean, really, this is a terrible idea and you shouldn't do it all. But if you have do, at least do it with a sense of humor. Like, I totally second "I'm Straight." Or how about Bohemian Like You by the Dandy Warhols?
posted by myeviltwin at 11:40 AM on December 11, 2005

To elaborate on "this is a terrible idea." Here's why: it makes you look needy and obsessive. I'm pretty sure she already knows you like her. Right now your job is to make HER think that she'd be lucky to have YOU, not to demonstrate your undying devotion.
posted by myeviltwin at 11:44 AM on December 11, 2005

Lovely song, maybe a bit twee for current purposes?

Pshaw, no such thing!
posted by ludwig_van at 12:46 PM on December 11, 2005

Second (or third, or fourth...) the idea of avoiding a flat-out love letter of a mix (I've done this and it didn't work); use it as a document to describe yourself musically, in ideal terms. I don't mean describe yourself as a romantic partner -- describe yourself as a person. Show her the context of being with you.

(FWIW, "Acoustic Guitar" is the best song on 69 Love Songs, and I think it would good for something like this.)
posted by aaronetc at 1:05 PM on December 11, 2005

umm, i have said from the start i dont want to say i LOVE her, just that god dammit she should be with me.

thats for all the suggestions.
posted by lemonfridge at 3:07 PM on December 11, 2005

"i dont want to say i LOVE her, just that god dammit she should be with me."

Then why should she be with you instead of with the other guy? After all, he might LOVE her -- like you don't.

It sounds like you just want to score a "victory" over the other guy to boost your own "manhood" or something, that she is just a means to that end. I bet you wouldn't want her as much (if at all) if there was no "competition."

Maybe you should tell us why we should help you screw two people over?
posted by davy at 7:53 PM on December 18, 2005